Chapter 35
"Are you sleeping better?"
Regina leaned her head back against the couch and stared toward the ceiling. She took her time answering, and only just before it might seem that she had forgotten the question or was ignoring it did she say, "Not really." Her eyes broke away from the ceiling and moved back to Archie, who was sitting across from her. "You said it would get better if I was a good girl doing the exercises."
Archie set aside the pad of paper he'd been taking notes on and leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. His brow furrowed as he wrinkled his nose slightly and pushed his glasses back up further. "But I also said it would be a slow process, not a spontaneous overnight improvement. Regina, you see, the human psyche is a complicated construct, not a machine. If it were, I'd be unemployed by now."
"Great." Regina's gaze turned icy as she straightened her back and stiffened. "I'll tell you what I think, Hopper: I'm wasting my time here with you, exactly as I suspected from the start."
"How's your heart?" he interjected, completely unimpressed by her angry demeanor, which he knew full well was just a masquerade she was trying to protect herself with.
"Excuse me?" A dark eyebrow shot up as the psychiatrist asked the seemingly out of nowhere question.
"Your heart. Have the arrhythmias improved? You've been coming to see me almost daily for over a week now, and we've never talked about it since day one."
"I..." The question caught Regina slightly off guard, as she hadn't expected it. "The inner turmoil has lessened, I think," she finally admitted.
Archie nodded. "You see. Then a start has been made. You just can't give up now, because you're on the right track."
"Emma is expected to be discharged tomorrow," she blurted out. In fact, her insomnia had improved in the meantime, but that had changed again two days ago when Heart had told her she was going to discharge Emma. Since then, she felt like she hadn't slept a wink.
"That's a good sign, isn't it?" Archie wanted to know, who picked up his pad again and jotted a few words on it.
Regina was distracted by that and followed his pen with her eyes. Nervously, she pulled her lower lip between her teeth and bit down on it until the onset of pain catapulted her back to the here and now. "She's better, yes," she confirmed, chewing on her lip again.
Archie's pen paused and he looked up at her. "I can't help but hear a 'but' in your sentence," he said.
"It's a lot of responsibility to take care of her, and I don't know if I can," she countered, running a hand through her hair. "She's doing better. But she's very weakened and far from healthy."
"What don't you know? Whether you are psychologically capable of caring for her, or whether you have the skills to do so?" he wanted to know.
"I am psychologically very capable of taking care of her. Who do you think you are?" she sneered at him as her cheeks blushed. "I came to you because it's not easy to come to terms with the fact that my girlfriend is terminally ill. But that doesn't mean I'm a completely helpless emotional wreck."
"I have accused you of nothing of the sort. I just want to understand what is upsetting you. If you say your psyche is strong enough to take care of Emma, I'm not questioning that. I just want to know what it is then. What are you afraid of, Regina?" He remained very still and could watch the mayor's face return to normal color, whereas the haze of tears in her eyes remained.
Her answer was little more than a whisper. "I fear that I am not enough. That I'm making mistakes, not taking care of her properly, not meeting her needs. The doctors and nurses know what they're doing. She's in good hands at the hospital and with me...what if I harm her?"
"I know one thing for sure," Archie countered, looking her firmly in the eyes reddened by little sleep. "No professional is worth as much as family. Emma doesn't need a perfectly trained caregiver, she needs you. When she's back home, sleeping in her own bed and sitting on the sofa with her girlfriend and son, she'll automatically feel better. Because some things can only be managed by the familiar environment and no medicine or specialist in the world."
"But she's sick, Hopper!" While Regina had been whispering almost inaudibly before, she was now literally screaming the words out. "She needs regular medication and has to go to the hospital for treatments and her catheters need to be kept clean," she sputtered out.
Archie couldn't help a small smirk appearing on his lips. "And what exactly are you worried about now? You're well informed, Regina. You know what she needs and I'm sure you know when she needs it too. Now you just need to start trusting yourself to get it done. Do you think you can do that?"
Regina opened her mouth to reply, but changed her mind the next moment and closed it again. Henry had already said something similar to her when he had come back from his school trip and found her completely dissolved in the kitchen between three different cakes she had baked to get her mind off things, which hadn't worked as well as it always had before. "I have to," she finally stated quietly.
"No, that's the completely wrong attitude." Shaking his head, Archie looked at her. "You have to believe in yourself and not think that you just have to function, come what may."
"Well, I don't trust myself to do that!", Regina snapped at him angrily. "Do you perhaps think I'm doing this on purpose? My mother fed me a completely twisted version of right and wrong for my entire childhood, and she didn't stop when I was an adult either. So I'm sorry that I can't just ignore and turn off 30 years of self-doubt and self-loathing just because that's what I need to do now." Her look changed from angry to frustrated to vulnerable as she continued, tapping the side of her head with her finger. "She's in there whispering to me that I'm no good for anything and that I can't save Emma and I'm only hurting her more instead of helping her."
Archie took a deep breath. They had finally gotten to the essence of the real problem. "I don't expect you to be able to immediately ignore what you've been imprinted with for half your life. But there is one thing you should always remind yourself of when these thoughts threaten to engulf you: Your mother is no longer here. This is your life and you are the architect of your own fortune. The limits you set for yourself come from yourself, no longer from your mother. You need to push her out of your mind little by little so you can finally take a breath and start living properly."
Archie's words continued to echo in Regina's head long after she was home and preparing dinner. The session had drained her and now she felt completely worn out, and had even less an idea of what to think or feel anymore. So instead of the salad and the freshly breaded fish fillets she had wanted to prepare, she just threw some noodles into the cooking pot and heated up a tomato sauce from a jar to go with it. When she heard footsteps on the stairs, she turned toward the entry leading to the foyer.
"Hey, Mom," Henry greeted her, crossing the kitchen in a few steps and wrapping his arms around the slender brunette. "I didn't hear you return."
"I would have gotten you for dinner later," she smiled wryly and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "How are you, Henry?"
The teen shrugged, glanced at the pot on the stove, then started setting the table. "Normal, I guess," he finally replied. "I mean... Emma's coming home tomorrow, that's cause for celebration, isn't it?"
Regina nodded, nervously drumming her fingers on the kitchen counter next to the stove as she stirred with her free hand.
"Tomorrow is Saturday," Henry reminded his mother, leaning his buttocks against the cabinet so he could look at her. He'd been noticing for a while now that she got especially nervous whenever Emma's discharge came up. "I'll be here too, you don't have to do this alone, I can help you with her if there's the need to."
"You know she doesn't want that," Regina countered without lifting her eyes to him.
"Maybe so, but still, you don't have to worry about not being able to do it alone. You have me."
This statement did make Regina look at her son and give him a faint, loving smile. "And that is my greatest happiness," she whispered, putting a hand to his cheek.
They paused in that position for a few seconds before Henry continued to set the table. "Were you with Emma until just now?"
Shaking her head, Regina carried the pot to the sink and poured the pasta into the colander. "I had an appointment with Archie."
"You want to talk about it?" Henry watched his mother from the table as she walked stiffly back and forth between the sink and the stove, her hands seeking occupation permanently.
"Not really," she returned, setting the food on the table before taking a seat across from her son. "Enjoy it."
Hesitantly, Henry eyed her for a while before reaching for his fork. "You too."
Barely five minutes had passed when Henry's smartphone rang, resting on the table beside him.
Regina raised a brow and eyed her son sternly. "Henry, what did we discuss about cell phones at the table?" she asked.
"I know, Mom. May I answer it just this once? It's Emma," he asked, which a glance at the display told him.
Immediately, Regina felt her heartbeat quicken. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that in case of an emergency, it would be the hospital calling, not Emma. And then they would call her, not Henry. "Okay, agreed," she finally nodded, pulling herself together for her son's sake.
Henry smiled and then took the video call. "Hey, Emma!" he greeted her happily as his birth mother smiled at him from his display.
"Hey, kid." Her eyes scanned Henry's surroundings and immediately she looked horrified. "Oh God, I'm interrupting your dinner! I'll call you back."
"No, wait," Regina said quickly before she rounded the table and stepped into view as well. "It's okay. We'll make an exception today, right Henry?"
The boy just grinned and winked at Emma.
"Definitely cancer bonus," the latter decided, leaning closer toward the camera. Her torso was tucked into a now much too large black hoodie, the hood of which sat on top of her head. "But it's good that you're here too. If you have time, you can pick me up tomorrow right after breakfast. The discharge report is already done after all, so I don't have to wait until noon like I thought."
Regina put her arms around Henry from behind and her chin on his shoulder so that she fit into the screen as well. To sign that she understood, she nodded. "Okay, then you don't have to wait that long."
"My thoughts exactly," Emma nodded, giving her a tender smile before turning to Henry again. "How was your day? I miss you."
"It was all right. The field trip was more interesting than normal classes, anyway," he grinned. "I miss you, too."
"Definitely keep tomorrow night free, we have to watch Spiderman – all the parts!"
Regina sighed theatrically and rolled her eyes.
"Don't argue, you have to watch Spiderman too, Regina," the cell phone speaker blared.
Henry laughed, while the brunette sighed defeatedly. "I couldn't think of anything better to watch on Saturday night anyway," she replied ironically with curled lips, but actually wasn't even lying about it. Snuggling up on the sofa with Emma in her arms was clearly one of her top 3 favorite ways to spend her evening. Besides, it was like a balm to her soul how well Emma seemed to be doing that evening. Sitting cross-legged in front of the camera, grinning cheekily at her, you could almost think she was back to her old self.
"Wonderful. So I'll see you tomorrow. Keep enjoying yourselves now, I don't want to be to blame if your mom's incredible food gets cold. I love you guys." Emma smiled again before the image froze and finally only Henry's home screen was visible.
Regina took her seat again and reached for her fork.
"You didn't tell me she was doing so well," Henry said reproachfully, looking at his mother.
"Because she wasn't like that at noon today," she only replied, poking at her plate more or less enthusiastically before finally pushing it away from her completely. "Henry, don't be angry with me, but I'm pretty tired. If you're done, I'm going to bed, if that's all right with you."
"Why would I mind?" the teenager wanted to know suspiciously, and his attentive eyes scrutinized Regina closely.
She shrugged her shoulders and then shook her head slightly for a moment. "If you want to talk or need help with your school stuff, you can tell me, of course."
"No, it's fine. You need your sleep," he immediately rebuffed, shoving the last forkful of pasta into his mouth. "I'll clean up here, you go to bed."
Regina was about to object, but by then her son had already stacked the plates and was carrying them toward the sink. "All right, thank you. Good night, Henry. I love you." Despite his slight protest, she pressed a kiss to his cheek before climbing the stairs and disappearing into the bathroom.
"Good night, Mom!" Henry called after her, tidying up the kitchen. It surprised him on the one hand that she actually let him do it, and at the same time made him worry because it wasn't like her.
Coming out of the bathroom, Regina slipped under her covers and turned onto her right side so she could look at Emma's empty bed. By this time tomorrow, it would no longer be empty, because Emma would finally be back. But before that, she had to somehow manage to get her up the stairs. She might have to set her up for the night on the sofa after some back and forth if she couldn't manage the stairs. But if Emma was on the sofa and she herself was in bed, she would be far too far away from her should she wake up in the night and need her help. Regina's breathing quickened as she stared at the white sheet beside her in the darkness. There were far too many uncertainties confronting them and making their lives difficult. She had to make sure Emma was okay, but even little things like where to sleep were already failing. Hot tears burned in her eyes and shortly thereafter traced their way down her cheeks as she pressed Emma's pillow against herself with trembling hands. It wasn't long before gasping sobs kept escaping her between her frantic breaths.
"Mom."
When Henry's arms suddenly wrapped around her from behind, she winced violently, but otherwise didn't move a bit.
"Mom, what's wrong?" Henry took a seat on the edge of the bed and pulled Regina into a sitting position so she could lean her back against him.
Her trembling hands still pressed the pillow to her chest as if her life depended on it. "What are you doing here? You should go to bed," she almost whimpered.
Henry frowned and gently stroked her slender shoulders. At that moment, she seemed so tiny, so fragile. He had often heard his mother crying in the evenings over the past few days, but this day had been different. First, she had left him to do the dishes, then she had gone to bed earlier than ever, and finally he had heard her choking gasps through the closed door. All this he had not been able to simply ignore, and so had acted on the urge to check on her. "You're clearly not feeling well, Mom."
"I'm just..." She broke off, not knowing herself what to actually answer. Besides, the panic attack was preventing her from getting enough air, and the constant thoughts of her failure weren't helping her feel better either.
"You need to breathe. Like you learned from Archie," Henry whispered, not breaking physical contact even for a moment. "Come on, we'll do it together. Breathe the way I do." Slowly and deeply, he inhaled and then let the air escape between his lips in a steady stream, which he repeated several times.
Regina tried, but then shook her head violently, whereupon new tears streamed down her face and a tremor shook her body. "I can't."
"What's wrong? Talk to me." The teenager tried his best to remain calm, even though it was anything but easy for him with his mother's condition. He might have to call Archie.
"Emma, she...," Regina began in a shaky voice before taking another heavy breath several times. "I don't want to do anything wrong," she finally confessed through tears.
"You're not doing anything wrong. Emma couldn't be in better hands," Henry whispered against her ear, stroking her hair soothingly. "And I don't know anyone more undemanding than Emma."
"That's just it! She's taking it all way too lightly!" Regina cried, squeezing shakily into her son's arms.
"And you're taking it too seriously. She was doing just fine today, wasn't she? We'll be fine."
"She was fine tonight. Who knows what tomorrow's going to be like!" Regina countered, who could hear her heart pounding next to the rush of her blood in her ears.
"It doesn't matter what tomorrow is. We live here and now, and what tomorrow is, we'll see when the time comes. Now try to calm down." Carefully, he laid her down and slid behind her so he could continue to hold her. "Remember when Emma climbed up the tree to get the cat down because she thought she could do it better than the fire department?" he asked with a smirk on his lips.
"She fell down and broke her lateral ankle joint," Regina replied, quivering as she pressed the pillow against her.
"Yes, she fell down. But do you also remember what she said at the hospital?" he asked.
Regina's breathing calmed a little as she stared into the darkness as if she could see the scene right in front of her. "She said she at least tried."
Henry nodded. "Exactly. You were pissed off with her, said she could have kicked the bucket because of that stupid critter. But she said she'd rather die a cat-saving heroine than get hit by a falling branch on a boring walk someday."
"She could have died," Regina whispered.
"Yes. But you know, if you're too worried now and don't let her live, she'll feel like she's on a boring walk. Don't let it come to that," he countered, unspeakably glad that his mother's breathing was almost back to normal again.
Regina was silent for a long time, and only her trembling hands told Henry that she was not yet asleep. "I'm tired," she whispered abruptly, but the thought of lying alone in the darkness immediately caused her breathing rate to rise again.
"Then sleep," the teenager responded softly, who held his mother tightly in his arms and continued to stroke her hair.
Regina turned her gaze over her shoulder and her red-rimmed eyes had lost all of their usual expression that made people tremble. "Will you stay with me?" she wanted to know, barely audible.
Nodding, Henry pushed her pillow more comfortably into place and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Of course I'll stay with you. Sleep now, Mom."
Regina's head sank onto the soft pillow and before her gloomy thoughts could take possession of her again, she focused all her attention on Henry's warm body against her back and the comforting caress of his fingers in her hair. Both helped her finally fall into the peaceful sleep she so desperately needed.
