Chapter 36
When Regina awoke very early the next morning and looked down at her son lying peacefully sleeping beside her, she couldn't have been more ashamed. She wondered what she had been thinking, begging him to stay with her. Just the thought of it brought tears to her eyes once again, but she held them back, instead tucking Henry in and briefly stroking his hair, which was tousled from sleeping, before slipping out of the room.
In the hallway, she felt her way along the wall in the dark so that the glow of light that would inevitably pass under the door when she turned on the lamp wouldn't wake Henry and slipped into the bathroom, where she finally flipped on the light switch. It took her eyes a while to adjust to the sudden brightness and right after that she had to realize that it would have been better if they hadn't. Having fallen asleep completely in tears, she now looked ghastly; deep dark rings under her eyes marred her face and her eyes themselves were still red and swollen. Her hair stood out in seemingly every direction imaginable and she was pale, so incredibly pale.
Dead beat, Regina ran her hands over her cheeks and stared at her reflection in the mirror before finally brushing her teeth and then stepping into the shower. The hot water that rained down on her did her good, and when she finally turned the faucet to cold, she had the impression that her spirits were reawakened.
With still slightly damp hair, but otherwise ready dressed in jeans and a gray turtleneck sweater, she entered the kitchen a little later. By now it was getting a little light outside, so she fixed herself a cup of coffee and leaned her arms on the kitchen counter to watch the sunrise while she let sip after sip of the hot drink run down her throat.
Not knowing whether she would have to wait a while later at the hospital, she forced herself to eat a slice of toast with butter and then set the breakfast table for Henry, so that her son could at least enjoy a hearty breakfast after sleeping in, after she had been such an imposition on him the night before.
When Regina got into her car, it was eight o'clock and even though she knew Emma preferred to sleep in, she was sure she would already be awake. For one thing, it was customary for the nurses to make their rounds early in the morning, and for another, she certainly couldn't wait to finally leave the clinic, and she didn't want to be the cause of her homecoming being delayed.
"Good morning, Ms. Mills," the lady in the lobby greeted, who had her hands full at this hour.
Regina gave her a brief polite nod and a moment later was already on her way to the elevator to Ward E. As she was about to enter Emma's room, a nurse stopped her, who was putting away a laundry cart in the corridor. "Ms. Mills, good morning," she also greeted, straightening from her stooped posture. "Rounds is in the room right now, would you mind waiting outside for a moment?" she asked.
"Of course, no problem. And good morning to you, too," Regina returned, leaning against the wall opposite the hospital room. While she waited, she watched the bustle of the ward and how breakfast was just being handed out at the other end of the corridor, but moments later the door opened and Dr. Heart, Nurse Maureen and a young doctor she didn't know exited the room.
Heart smiled at Regina and moved away from her colleagues for a moment to talk with her briefly. "Hello, Ms. Mills."
"Good morning. How's things? Is she doing okay? Can she go home, or has something changed?" the brunette immediately wanted to know, pushing herself off the wall to stand full height in front of her.
"Everything's ready, she has her papers already too. You can leave as soon as you have everything packed up," she assured her. "I wish you both all the best, enjoy the next time Emma doesn't receive chemo."
"We certainly will," Regina replied, "Thank you for everything."
"As I said before, thank me when she is back to health again." With that, she raised her hand briefly in farewell and rejoined her colleagues, who had gone one door down and were waiting for her there.
Despite her previous doubts and fears, Regina could now hardly wait to finally take Emma into her arms. Gently, she knocked on the door and then gained entry. At first glance, the room seemed deserted, but hearing noises in the bathroom, she put down her purse and removed her coat. "Emma, I'm here!" she finally called out, trying not to startle her girlfriend. "I'll start packing everything up!" She had barely finished her sentence when the bathroom door opened and Emma leaned in the doorway, grinning. Regina would have had to be lying if she claimed that the sight of her bald head didn't still make her falter a little.
"You're early," Emma observed. "All the better." She smiled and approached her girlfriend at a slow pace, one hand always on the wall, bed or chairs for support. "Off with the mask," she whispered after pressing a kiss to her cheek. "And no buts, I got the doping shot for my leukocytes, my values are fine and I'm allowed to go home now, so put it away."
Regina rolled her eyes slightly, but also wore a grin as she pulled the mask off her face.
"Much better," Emma smirked, wrapping her arms around Regina's neck and pulling her in for a heartfelt kiss.
Regina returned the caress, but restrained herself enough to match Emma's level, who was surely feeling pain from the sores in her mouth if she pushed too hard.
With a slightly short-winded gasp, Emma finally broke off the kiss and sat on the edge of her bed, from where she looked up at Regina. "I was going to pack up my things in the bathroom," she explained. "Maybe you could do that?" she then added hesitantly.
"Of course I can," Regina replied with a slightly amused shake of her head. "Give me five minutes and we can leave."
Emma nodded, then slid fully back into her bed to lean against the headrest. She felt fine, if only it weren't for that dragging-down exhaustion that made her days hell. "There's been no breakfast yet," she called to Regina in the adjoining room after a while. "But I would absolutely not mind eating at home."
With her wash bag packed, Regina stepped back into the hospital room. "What about your medications?"
"What about them?"
"You shouldn't take them on an empty stomach," she pointed out.
Again, a grin crossed Emma's face, with which she regarded Regina.
"What?" the latter wanted to know.
"Nothing," Emma answered. "I kind of missed that, even though it bugs me sometimes."
Rolling her eyes, Regina continued packing Emma's things as she watched her from the bed, pulling her sweat jacket tighter around her.
Lately, Emma had been nothing but tired, easily irritable, and cold; nothing she would have known about herself before her illness. Her eyes only wandered from Regina to the door when a male nurse came in with breakfast and her pills.
"A very good morning, ladies," he smiled, setting the tray down on the nightstand.
"Good morning. I'd rather have breakfast at home, Marc. If that's all right." She gave the young man the loveliest look in her eyes, which made him laugh.
"I don't mind," he nodded, taking the cup of medicine from the dining tray. "Then today is finally the day. I told you you wouldn't have to rot in here."
Emma shrugged and grabbed the banana off the tray before he could take it all back. "Just felt like that in between, what can I do about it?"
He laughed again, then tapped the brim of his non-existent hat before leaving, which Emma did as well in turn.
"Who was that?" Regina wanted to know after the male nurse had disappeared again.
"Marc," was all Emma replied, peeling the banana to eat something real before the pills. "One of the nurses."
"You're that intimate?" Regina's eyebrow shot up in disbelief and she crossed her arms in front of her chest.
Puzzled, Emma looked at her. "Um, yeah?! Is that forbidden?"
"No, just..."
"You're not jealous, are you?" she laughed, biting into the banana.
"Nonsense!" Regina snorted and slumped down on one of the chairs.
"Regina, I've sort of been living here lately. Don't you think it's logical, sooner or later, to be kinda close with someone who's the same age?" she asked with amusement, guzzling the many pills all at once into her mouth, then washing them down with water.
"I'm not jealous," the brunette repeated overtly, crossing her legs.
Emma smiled, but said nothing in addition. She thought it was cute how her girlfriend marked her territory, letting her know she could always count on her no matter what. "If you want, we can go," she finally said, setting the leftover half banana down on the nightstand.
"It's all packed, on my part we can start," Regina nodded and stood up. "Maybe I'd better take the bags down to the car first." She wanted her hands free to support Emma, and the travel bag and her purse would only be cumbersome.
"No need, you can put them on my lap," Emma surprisingly returned, however.
Puzzled, Regina watched her as she laboriously sat back up, slipped into her anorak, and slid into the wheelchair that stood beside the bed.
"What's wrong?" Emma asked as she pulled the hood of her sweat jacket over her head.
"Nothing. I just thought you'd rather want to walk by yourself again," Regina explained her reaction, carefully placing the travel bag on her knees.
A bitter laugh was heard from Emma. "I want to, believe me."
Regina would have liked to slap herself for her remark, but she just gave Emma's shoulder a brief apologetic squeeze and then pushed her in her wheelchair to the elevators and then out to her Mercedes.
Emma didn't say a word the entire time and was more than glad to finally be able to climb into the passenger seat of the car.
"I'm just going to put the wheelchair back in, I'll be right back," Regina explained before she left Emma alone.
"Don't hurry, I'm not driving away," Emma muttered more to herself, letting her head sink against the headrest. She took a few deep breaths and resolved to pull herself together. After all, it wasn't Regina's fault that she was getting worse, and her girlfriend was already trying her best to please her anyway.
"You can have breakfast right when we arrive, or later, just as you like," Regina said, getting into the car as well a moment later, while buckling her seatbelt. Her hand was already on the ignition key when Emma put hers over it, making her pause.
The young woman waited until she looked at her and then gave her an apologetic smile. "Regina, I'm sorry I'm always so defensive." She sighed and rested her head on the side of Regina's shoulder over the center console. "I can't stand the person I'm slowly turning into. You don't always have to be considerate of me and keep your head down. That's not like you, that's not who you are, you're welcome to give me a piece of your mind. That's the worst idea for me. That I'm changing you too along the way."
"It's okay, Emma."
"No, it's not," she stated gruffly before she lifted her head and looked at her again. "Nothing gives me the right to give such ill-tempered answers. You meant well, you wanted me to feel comfortable, and this is how I thank you." Her eyes darted over Regina's face and her voice became soft as she put a hand to her cheek. "I know you're not feeling well. You did a great job with the makeup, but I'm not blind. And I'm not going to let my illness take you down."
Regina looked away from her and instead at her knuckles, which gripped the steering wheel so tightly they were turning white.
"I want us to go home now and there we will enjoy being a family and you will rest and do nothing, at least for this one day," Emma decided softly. Her hand slid down from her cheek and paused instead on Regina's thigh.
The brunette remained silent, but it was hard for her to hold back her tears when she finally started the engine, put the car in gear and brought them both home.
The car hadn't even come to a stop when Henry stepped out of the front door with his hands in his coat pockets, grinning broadly. "Ma!" he called out happily as Emma lowered the window.
"Hey, kid." Emma eyed her son gently, as if it had been weeks, not days, that they hadn't seen each other.
"Can you carry the bags in, please, Henry?" Regina asked as she saw her son open the passenger door and being about to help Emma to her feet.
Somewhat puzzled, he nodded and ran to the trunk while Regina took his place and reached under Emma's arms.
"Thank you," she whispered, meaning not only Regina's help, but also that her girlfriend complied with her request to keep Henry away from nursing activities as much as possible.
Regina just nodded, barely noticeably, and pulled Emma's skinny body to her.
Her steps became more sluggish with each meter, and by the time they reached the garden path between the flower beds, she was gasping for air so hard that her lungs were burning.
"Do you need a break?" Regina wanted to know anxiously.
Emma shook her head and pressed, "It's okay," from between her lips, even though she felt like she was going to pass out at any moment. She wanted to get it over with and lie down, and any delay would only worsen her condition.
"Henry, will you please open the door?", Regina asked their boy as calmly as possible and was once again glad that he was so understanding and refrained from asking questions at that moment. Slowly, but still with some urgency, Regina brought Emma into the living room and laid her on the sofa, where she unzipped her anorak and pulled the hood off her head so she could breathe easier.
Emma just let her do it, keeping her eyes closed and concentrating on her breathing as she enjoyed the feeling of the pain in her joints subsiding again.
Henry had dropped the bags in the foyer and now stood frozen in the doorway to the living room, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. He wanted to help, but didn't know how, and seeing Emma like this caused him almost physical pain. It wasn't the fact that she had lost weight or the absence of hair. It was the way Regina cared for her and the lack of protest she could no longer afford because she would be completely lost without her.
After sliding a pillow under Emma's head and her legs and covering her, Regina took a seat next to her on the sofa and gently stroked her head. Her wildly pounding heartbeat calmed only when Emma's face lost its gray tone and she regained some color.
Emma opened her eyes at the touch. "Henry," she whispered. Seeing Regina looking at her in confusion, she nodded slightly toward the door. "I'm fine. Go to him."
Torn between the need not to leave Emma's side and the urge to reassure her son, the brunette finally stood up and put her arms around Henry. Only now did she notice that he was still wearing his pajamas under his coat. "Have you had breakfast yet, honey?"
"Mom, what's wrong with her?" he demanded to know without taking his eyes off his other mother.
"Let's go over to the kitchen until she's rested a bit, okay?" Regina asked, not knowing what was the right thing to do at that moment. Henry was always so brave, stoically enduring whatever disasters befell their family. It was too easy for her to forget that he was still a child.
"Henry, come here," Emma asked softly, who had been watching the scene from the sofa, and extended a hand in his direction.
The teenager didn't have to be told twice. He carefully pulled away from Regina's arms and grabbed Emma's hand when he was getting close enough to her and slid cross-legged to the floor beside the couch.
"Regina's right, Henry. I'll rest a bit and you can go over and have breakfast in the meantime," she said softly as her thumb stroked his hand soothingly.
"Ma..."
"No," she interrupted him immediately. "Listen, I know you're worried. And I can totally understand that. But I'll be fine once I've been lying down for a while." She exchanged a quick glance with Regina, who immediately understood and withdraw next door to give them both a little time.
"You're much worse than you were before the treatment," Henry countered, lowering his gaze to Emma's hand, which was covered in bruises.
"I wasn't well when I came home after the first cycle either. You just don't remember that because then it got better again. And it will be the same this time, you'll see." She didn't want to promise him anything as she felt her body conk out more and more, but she was convinced that without the chemo, at least she would have a little more strength again.
"You don't have to say that to make me feel better," Henry muttered, letting his head drop.
Emma sighed. "Have I ever lied to you, kid? In all these past weeks, have I ever not told you the truth about my illness?" she wanted to know.
Henry shrugged his shoulders.
Emma watched her son for a while, wondering what was suddenly wrong with him. Of course she was miserable and of course it would be a miracle if Henry wasn't affected by it, but so far she had really had the impression that he and she had held on to hope, while Regina had been more the one who only saw a black abyss opening up in front of her. "Did Regina say anything?" she wanted to know abruptly at this thought.
"What do you mean?" At last Henry raised his head again and looked at her.
She shrugged her shoulders. "Where did this sudden negative attitude of yours come from?"
Henry swallowed and averted his eyes from her again, staring instead at nothing in particular.
"Henry? What's wrong?" Emma's voice took on a stern tone that would not tolerate him denying her an answer.
"It's Mom," he whispered, after making sure Regina was no longer around. "She..." He broke off, shaking his head.
"She...what? What about her?"
"I shouldn't be talking to you about this, it's her business," he replied quietly.
Emma sighed and pushed herself up slightly on her forearms. "Now spill it out. If I don't know what's going on, I can't help you or her."
Chewing on his lower lip, Henry looked up at her. "Promise me you won't tell her I talked to you about it."
"I can't do that, Henry, and you know it. She won't bite us, whatever it is," she encouraged him to confide in her. However, knowing how Regina could react if her trust was abused, however well intentioned, she fully understood his hesitation.
Henry was silent for quite a while before he finally took a deep breath and answered her. "She seemed pretty upset last night and went to bed early. Then when I checked on her later, she was lying in bed shaking and breathing alarmingly fast. I was able to calm her down eventually and stayed with her overnight."
"She had a panic attack?" Emma asked in horror. As she sat up jerkily on the sofa, all exhaustion seemed forgotten. "I'm so sorry you had to witness that," Emma whispered, pulling her son close.
"It was okay," he murmured, and in turn put his arms around Emma. It had been a long time since he had been able to hug her and he enjoyed it all the more at that moment.
"This is anything but okay. I know how helpless one feels when seeing that. Hopefully that was the first and only time, right?" She almost dreaded the answer.
"She's been crying a lot lately," he admitted carefully. "But it's never been this bad."
Emma took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she ran her hand over her head, a gesture she was accustomed to, one in which she had always slicked her hair back when she was nervous. "Is she still seeing Archie?"
"I think so. At least that's what she says," Henry nodded.
"Good. That's good," she stated, lost in thought, before she lifted her gaze again and looked at Henry. "Thank you for telling me. I always want you to come to me with things like this, kid. Not just because I want to know when your mom is miserable, but also because you can't work something like this out with yourself. It's not something you can just get over with. And if it happens again while I'm not there, please call me, no matter what time it is. Got it?"
Rolling his eyes slightly, he nodded.
"I couldn't hear you that well. I wanted to know if you understand me."
"Yes, understood," he sighed humbly.
"Good boy. And now off to breakfast with you," she winked at him mischievously, trying to lighten the gloomy mood at least a tiny bit again.
