Chapter 37
"And then Grumpy said if he doesn't get new fried eggs right away, he'll spread the rumor that Granny's lasagna comes from the frozen food aisle at the supermarket," Ruby explained, shaking her head indignantly. "I mean, just because there was a little eggshell in there? It's eggs, for crying out loud. There can be bones in fish, too. I'd understand the excitement if it had all been full of wolf hair."
"Is it really a rumor?" Zelena wanted to know with a grin, taking the remote from Robin as she was about to shove it in her mouth.
Ruby eyed her indignantly. "From the supermarket? That's an absolute insult!"
"Your Granny said herself that the lasagna is frozen," Emma smirked exhaustedly, pulling her cold hands back into the overlong sleeves of her hoodie.
"Frozen, yes. But before that, of course, she made it herself," Ruby explained, taking a sip from her wine glass. "I swear to you, Grumpy may be our best customer, but he doesn't need to think he can get away with anything!"
"Now calm down and drink your wine," Zelena countered dryly, having now taken Robin onto her lap. "Even though I don't think he's particularly smart, he'll probably be just smart enough not to mess with you. Where else is he going to get his meals?"
Still grumbling to herself, Ruby now dropped back against the back of the sofa in frustration, her already half-emptied glass in her hand.
Emma had spent most of the time listening to Ruby, Zelena, and Regina talk and enjoy each other's company. It had been far too long since they'd had a girls' night like this, and even though she was tired and hardly joined in the conversations, this bit of normalcy did her an awful lot of good. "Don't worry, if he's spreading lies around town, I'll take care of it myself," she joked, slowly pushing herself to the edge of the armchair before standing up with some effort. "I'll go see if Regina can use some help." She knew how ridiculous that must sound, especially since she felt the stares of the others at her back as she left the living room with unsteady steps and at a snail's pace, crossing the foyer and finally reaching the kitchen. At the door she paused for a while and, with a smile on her lips, leaned her head against the frame, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she watched her girlfriend.
Regina stood at the kitchen counter with her back to the door, chopping a large pile of tomatoes. As a salsa tune played from the radio, her hips swayed gently back and forth to the beat and she hummed along softly.
Not wanting to startle her, Emma cleared her throat slightly before fully entering the kitchen and placing her hands on Regina's shoulders from behind. Gently, her fingers began to massage her quite automatically. It had always been like this in the past, during their wonderful year together before she had gotten sick; Regina had cooked and Emma had watched her or distracted her with seductive touches.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be playing hostess to Ruby and my sister?", Regina wanted to know with a smirk, but shortly after made a pleasurable sound as her muscles relaxed under Emma's touch.
Shrugging her shoulders, her hands slid down Regina's back before she planted a kiss on the back of her neck. "They both have drinks in their glasses and are talking. I'm not needed in this," she explained, leaning her cheek on Regina's shoulder.
Regina finally put down her knife, wiped her hands on her chef's apron, and turned to face her girlfriend, whom she casually put her arms around her neck and looked into her eyes. "Was it a stupid idea to invite them? I mean, you just got home three days ago and now the house is sitting full of people and..."
"Hey," Emma interrupted her, burying her hand in Regina's hair as she returned her gaze. "It's a perfect night. How many of those do I have? That should be taken advantage of. And two people and a kid are really not a house full of people. Besides, a little change of pace is good for you, too."
Sighing, Regina nodded and leaned her forehead against Emma's. "But seriously... Why did you come over?"
Also sighing, Emma pulled away from her and leaned against the kitchen counter. "I don't know. It's good to hear some news and talk about things other than my illness, infection risks, and what drug works best for chemotherapy induced vomiting. But..." She didn't know how to explain it for a moment. "I feel like I'm listening to strangers talk about their lives. I used to be a part of all this, and now I live in this bubble. Everyone says I'm brave and that they can understand me and of course I continue to belong, but it's just not like that. The disease has made me an outsider. I know that no one wants to exclude me on purpose, because it happens automatically. While I was in the hospital, I was busy with myself and when you visited me, it was always about how I was feeling. With luck, I at least got to know how you guys were doing, but that was it. I didn't hear anything from anyone else or Storybrooke. They could have torn down the entire main street and planted grass instead and I wouldn't have caught it." She took a deep breath and shook her head slightly. "These are my friends and acquaintances they're talking about, but it feels like stories out of Henry's book. Not tangible."
Regina was silent for a long time before she leaned against the counter next to Emma and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I had no idea this was bothering you so much," she admitted quietly. "I was aware that it made you feel isolated, that you had to go to the hospital a lot, that you couldn't do your job, that you spent a lot of time in the house. But I didn't know you felt like a stranger. Why didn't you say something sooner?"
"Because there's nothing to say. Regina, I... there's nothing you can do about it," she indicated, turning her gaze to her. "Until I get better and can participate in social life again, things will stay the way they are now. And that's okay. It's just... It's only by finding a home, family and friends here that I realize how quickly those very things can slip away from me again. I never had all that, and now it feels like it's being taken away from me again."
Sadly, Regina eyed her girlfriend and stroked her cheek before kissing her. "It won't. I can't speak for everyone else, but you won't get rid of me, Miss Swan."
A faint smile flitted across Emma's face before she turned her gaze to the half-finished meal. "Maybe we should get on with it if we don't want to send our guests home hungry later," she mused.
"Yeah, maybe," Regina admitted. "But not until I've kissed you again," she whispered, pulling Emma in for a long, heartfelt kiss.
The fact that the sun was already in the sky when she awoke in the morning told Emma that it must already be late. In November, it often didn't show itself until just before noon, or not at all. Logically, Regina's half of the bed had long since grown cold and she was certainly at Town Hall, so Emma allowed herself a few more moments before getting up and pushing her legs ponderously out of bed. A smirk flitted across her lips as she noticed a glass of water and her pills on the nightstand, which Regina had placed there without question. Sighing, she took the medication and blinked into the bright light for a while, sitting on the edge of the bed, to let her muscles adjust to work.
Finally, she slowly got up and walked with unsteady steps across the corridor and into the bathroom. Although she took her time with everything and supported herself wherever she could, she finally had to sit down exhausted on the stool Regina had placed next to the sink. Apparently, she wanted to put her basket on it when she sorted the dirty laundry, but Emma knew for a fact that she always did that in the basement and the stool was there solely because Emma could no longer stand for so long when she washed herself.
Of course, she was feeling much better by now; another four days had passed and even her appetite was slowly returning as the wounds that the chemo left in her mouth each time healed. But her body was exhausted and worn out from the treatment and every step strained her, while her movements caused her pain despite the analgesics. In addition, she continued to undergo dialysis every two days to support her battered kidneys, but this further drained her.
Slowly, she began to take off her pajamas and wash. She was already anxious to see who Regina had assigned to watch over her today. Her mother, Zelena, and even Ruby had been around here lately and the reason, unfortunately, was not because they wanted to visit her, but because Regina had to go to work and not leave Emma alone for so long. Although she stopped to not even leave her unattended for a second like in the beginning, if she was gone for several hours, Emma always had a watchdog. Sighing, she ran her washcloth over her face. How could she leave her alone? She was barely able to get from bed to bathroom, and even though she was often stubborn and forced herself to do everything herself if possible, she wasn't particularly fond of falling down the stairs.
Emma was still undressed and brushing her teeth when the bathroom door opened, sending a blast of cold air into the room. "What the...," it escaped her as she dropped the toothbrush into the sink and covered her upper body with her arms.
With a smirk, Regina pressed a kiss to her cheek and wiped the toothpaste from the corner of her mouth. "It's just me."
Rolling her eyes, Emma lowered her arms and rinsed her mouth. "Couldn't you have given me a heads up? I was afraid you'd hired Killian to babysit me now and he wouldn't know what was good for him."
"Even if he had, the seat of his pants would be on fire by now," Regina replied dryly.
Groaning, Emma stood up and grabbed fresh bandages from the small wall-cupboard before settling back down and removing the dressing from her Hickman catheter. Meticulously, she disinfected the area and re-bandaged it. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at Town Hall?"
"Do you want me to go?" Regina inquired with her eyebrows raised in surprise, watching her actions. Secretly, she was glad that Emma was taking care of the accesses herself, since she herself always felt so clumsy when it came to medical activities.
"Nonsense. I'm just wondering," Emma explained, shrugging her shoulders. When she was done with the Shaldon catheter as well, she slipped into her sweater and took a deep breath before standing up again. Swaying slightly, she propped herself up against the sink and closed her eyes briefly before she already felt Regina's hand on her elbow.
"Do you want breakfast? It's already after eleven, we could have lunch at Granny's instead if you want," she let her choose and slowly walked her to the stairs.
"Give me a moment," the young woman asked as Regina was already making her way downstairs. Breathing heavily, she placed her free arm on the banister and leaned forward to rest her forehead on it. She remained like that for a minute before nodding to Regina, thus giving her the okay to begin the descent.
When they reached the bottom, Regina gently pushed her girlfriend down by the shoulder so that they came to sit side by side on the second to last step. "We have time," she whispered to her, stroking her back.
Willingly, Emma leaned her head against Regina's shoulder and concentrated on her breathing. "I don't know if I feel like leaving the house today," she admitted. "Maybe you could get us something from Granny?" she suggested in return, drawing her knees up to her body.
Regina hesitated and put her free hand on her knee. "If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do. I just wanted to show you something and I thought it would be a good opportunity for you to get out of here," she admitted.
Emma raised her eyes and eyed her curiously. "What do you want to show me?"
"We can do that another day. When you're feeling better," she affirmed.
"Since that probably won't happen anytime soon, we might as well do it today. Because now you've got me curious," Emma grinned, reaching up to the handrail. "Can you help me?" she asked, pulling herself up with her right hand while Regina supported her on her left side.
"You really don't have to feel obliged now, Emma."
"I know. But you're right. One more week in this house and I'll go completely crazy. Those days in the hospital were more varied," she countered, grabbing her anorak and shoes. Finally, she wrapped the scarf crocheted by her mother around her neck and put on the matching cap.
A brief smile lit up Regina's face when she saw Emma standing in front of her like that. "Those clothes look so amazing on you!"
Emma returned the smile and linked arms with her again as they walked to the car. The cool air stung her lungs, but at the same time awakened her spirits. She breathed in and out deeply, enjoying the fresh air. Airing the rooms regularly just wasn't the same as being outside. "I wish we could walk to the diner," she admitted as she lowered herself into the passenger seat and Regina climbed in beside her. "The walk home from the diner was always the shortest part of my round when I went for a run," she whispered, swallowing frantically to not allow any further thought related to the deterioration of her body.
"As soon as it gets warmer again, we can do that," Regina countered, simply unable to find any other suitable words. Apologetically, she looked over at Emma and took her hand.
Snorting, Emma stared at their entwined fingers. "You know how I meant it."
"And I meant it, too," Regina nodded.
"By the time it gets warmer again, I may not be able to stand on my feet, or I may be long dead," Emma murmured, looking up at her.
Regina fell silent and pressed her lips together into a thin line.
"I don't want to spread bad vibes, I just think we shouldn't close our eyes to reality," Emma said softly, squeezing Regina's fingers. "I worry about you tremendously. I... know about the panic attacks, Henry told me."
Startled, Regina's gaze shot up and her features changed from surprise to anger. "He shouldn't have done that. That shouldn't weigh up on your mind in addition!"
Emma shook her head and stroked her cheek. "He did exactly the right thing when he told me about it. The panic attacks, Regina... they're clearly an expression of you being afraid of what's coming. One minute we're having a good day, the next I'm feeling bad. I just want us to be prepared for all possibilities. One of them is that I don't survive the whole thing, and as unattractive as I think that is, I've come to terms with it. If my life continues, all the better. If not, I'm grateful for the time we were able to have together. I know it's a lot to ask, but I hope that someday you too will be able to accept that I could possibly die without fighting for air every time you think about it."
"How could I ever accept you dying? That's not something you can accept or be okay with," Regina countered bitterly, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.
"No, but you can realize that you have to take it as it comes," Emma nodded. "Listen, I... when you're going to Archie's, I can be there if you want me to."
Regina was silent for a moment, letting this suggestion run through her mind. "I don't know," she finally said quietly, "Can I think about it?"
"Of course you can." With a loving expression in her eyes, Emma eyed her girlfriend. "Come on, let's enjoy the day for now. I'm feeling better already, now I'm starting to get hungry."
Regina nodded, squeezed her fingers one last time, then released her hand as she pulled out of the driveway. Just a few cross streets away, she snagged a parking spot right in front of the diner's entrance and helped Emma get out.
"What you want to show me isn't at Granny's, though, is it?" Emma wanted to know as they crossed the small porch and climbed the few steps that led into the diner.
Regina shook her head and unwrapped her scarf from her neck, as soon as they had locked out the cold November day and found themselves in the warm, cozy atmosphere. "No, it isn't. This is really just a normal lunch and trying to get you to see something else than our four walls," she explained, sliding into the next best alcove. Normally, when they had a free choice of seats, they tended to sit in the back of the diner, but Regina wanted Emma to do as little walking as possible.
While Emma also took off her scarf and anorak, she kept her cap on her head. She hadn't been out in public since she shaved off her hair, and suddenly she felt an insecurity she hadn't known at all so far.
Regina noticed her hesitation, but said nothing; Emma had to feel comfortable and the decision to leave the cap on or take it off was entirely up to her. So she opened the menu and ran her eyes over the selection. Only a suppressed giggle from Emma made her look up and raise a brow. "What?"
"What's the point of the menu? Did you ever order anything but the garden salad?", Emma wanted to know amused.
"Yes, I did," Regina stated slightly offended, "I've also had the Mediterranean salad." Another snort from Emma sounded and Regina's expression darkened. "And in case you can't remember, Miss Swan, I've also had burgers and fries with you!"
"Which you definitely didn't pick," Emma nodded, reaching across the table for Regina's hand. "You wouldn't be you without those salads. So don't let me tease you," she said softly, her gaze deep in her eyes.
"What can I get you two lovebirds?", Granny then interrupted the familiar moment in a chipper voice. Her gaze slid from Regina to Emma, whereupon the smile vanished from her lips and she put a hand to her mouth. "Oh, my dear child! Your hair!"
Emma sighed soundlessly and tried for a wry smile as she shrugged one shoulder. "To be expected, I guess." It was Granny's reaction that made her pull the cap off her head now, after all. It made no difference whether she wore it or not. You could tell her hair was missing even with the cap on, and if she wore it, it only gave the impression that she was embarrassed.
Granny eyed her pityingly for a moment before Regina released her girlfriend of the embarrassing situation. "I'll have the garden salad and a glass of still water. The salad with cheese, please, no egg," she placed her order.
Granny nodded and then turned to Emma again.
"A still water for me, too, please, and the fries with chicken nuggets. No ketchup, no mayo." She hoped her stomach could handle the greasy food, but she hadn't had fast food in so long that her mouth watered at the mere idea. She flipped the menu closed and put it back in its designated stand in the center of the table.
"This woman is...," Regina began, shaking her head, when the old lady had moved away from their table and disappeared into the kitchen.
"... worried," Emma finished her sentence. "She's just worried. I know it seems rude the way she's reacting, but it's normal. She cares."
"If you say so," Regina replied with a shrug, then studied Emma's face in silence for a while. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. Please don't ask me every few minutes," she asked softly. "I'm looking forward to my food."
Regina grinned. "I'm glad to hear that." It had become rare to get Emma excited about food. So it was all the more logical that after Granny brought them their orders a short time later, Regina happily watched Emma devour her fries for quite a while before starting to eat herself.
When everything was consumed down to the last crumb, Emma leaned back and held her flat stomach. "That was good." Threateningly, she raised her index finger and stared down at herself. "And that stays in there, got it?"
Chuckling in amusement, Regina let the last leaf of lettuce disappear into her mouth. "If I were your stomach, I'd rather listen to you."
Emma grinned, then watched Regina pulling out the money they owed Granny and put it on the table.
"Are you ready to go see what I did?" Regina then wanted to know.
"'What you did,'" Emma repeated. "After all, it's getting more and more mysterious. In any case, I'm ready." Rising somewhat ponderously, she called out a farewell to the diner's owner as the two women stepped back out into the street.
"I hope you're not disappointed. It's not that great," Regina muttered uncertainly as they got into the car.
Emma shook her head in disbelief and buckled her seat belt. "You're not able to disappoint me."
A brief smile flitted across Regina's lips before she drove off and parked in front of the Town Hall.
"What are we doing here?", Emma wanted to know with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, in there is what I want to show you," the brunette explained, linking arms with Emma as they crossed the forecourt of the official building and went inside.
Emma's steps were already getting heavier again as they reached the entrance, but she tried not to let on and keep her pace. "Regina, what...?" Completely confused, she stared at the inscription 'Mayor' on the door, in front of which her girlfriend had finally stopped and knocked.
"Yes?" a bell-like voice sounded from inside before Emma could verbally express her confusion further.
Regina opened the door and pushed Emma inside with her.
"Mom?" Emma said incredulously as she found Snow sitting behind the desk in Regina's office. "What's that about?" Her questioning gaze slid from Regina to her mother and back again.
"Hello, sweetheart," Snow replied affectionately, who rose and wrapped her daughter in her arms.
Meanwhile, Regina pulled up a chair so Emma could sit down as Snow released her. "Snow has agreed to share the position with me," Regina explained, looking down at Emma. Nervous, not being able to estimate how Emma felt about it, she arched her back and crossed her arms tightly in front of her chest. "That way I can be home in the mornings, then check on things here briefly and take any work that has come up home for the afternoon."
Emma was so surprised that she didn't say anything at all at first.
"I... thought you'd be happy to have me with you. I know it's stressful to have different people taking care of you all the time," Regina continued slowly.
"It's great," Emma stated with a wide smile. Her misty eyes glistening slightly. "Thank you." At that, she looked back and forth between Regina and Snow again. "Thank you for going through such trouble to make me feel good." Her lips trembled and she looked down at her hands knotted together in her lap.
"Don't, Emma. Don't cry. We love you! So it was easy for us to think of something so someone familiar could be with you," Snow assured her daughter, stroking her head.
"I know," Emma whispered, leaning her head against her mother's stomach. "That's just it, I love you so much too," she returned, wiping tears from her cheeks. When she had talked to Regina in the car a little earlier, she had been completely serious when she said that she had accepted that she might not be able to beat the disease. But in moments like these, she couldn't imagine having to leave any of her family behind and knowing how much they would mourn for her.
Regina relaxed again and disentangled her arms as she stepped closer and stroked Emma's back. "I didn't do this just for you, Emma, but for me, too. You've asked me so many times to take care of myself and this is an attempt to take some of the pressure off me," she explained.
Nodding, Emma pulled Regina closer to her and snuggled up to her as well, so that the two dark-haired women were close together, both with an arm around Emma. "That's what I was hoping," she whispered.
Snow smiled and turned her gaze to her former stepmother, who had lowered her eyes to Emma and was also clearly struggling with tears. Hesitantly at first, soon after firmly, she put her arm around her and squeezed her shoulder.
At that moment, their shared past no longer mattered; they were a mother and her daughter-in-law, both equally concerned about the person they loved to death. Mentally completely drained, Regina let her head sink against Snow's shoulder and closed her eyes. It felt too good not to have to carry this burden alone, at least for a few minutes.
