Chapter 38

"I don't get it," Emma muttered as she squinted her eyes and looked back and forth between the baking book and the bowl of dough with a furrowed brow.

Henry wiped his flour-dusted hands on his baking apron and stepped next to his mother so he could look over her shoulder. "What don't you get?"

"Just look at this dough. It's so sticky, we'll never be able to roll it out, let alone make cookies from it! But I don't know what we're supposed to have done wrong," she muttered, lowering the book to the kitchen counter before pushing herself up from her chair and at least turning on the oven already, as the recipe called for.

"Ma... You said 200 grams of butter and 150 grams of flour," Henry then stated slowly, who had been leaning over Regina's baking book in Emma's place.

"So?" she retorted.

"But it says 200 grams of flour and 150 grams of butter. No wonder the dough isn't solid." The boy had to laugh and shook his head in amusement.

Emma, on the other hand, screwed up her face, dropped back into her chair, and ran her hand over her face. She had wanted to surprise Regina and her sister with the homemade cookies, but now it turned out that she was not even capable of mixing a dough with only three different ingredients flawlessly. Fatigue already had a firm grip on her again and while in the past she would have wiped away the mishap with a grin, at that moment a world collapsed for her and tears came to her eyes.

"Emma, there's nothing wrong with that. We'll just throw in some more flour and sugar and then the mixing ratio will be right again," Henry, not oblivious to her state of mind, quickly tried to cheer her up. He was glad she had brought herself to do something with him that day and didn't want it to end in tears.

"But then we have way too much dough and I'm already so exhausted again, as if I've already baked three cakes and five loaves of bread," Emma snorted in frustration, sweeping the cookie cutters off the table in her anger at herself, which then bounced clattering across the tiled floor and spread out in the kitchen.

Henry paused for a moment before coming over to Emma and gently taking her by the arm. "Come on, I'll finish this and you lie down in the meantime," he asked her, looking into her green eyes that stared dully ahead.

"It was my idea," she replied shaking her head, withdrawing her arm from him before looking down at the cutters scattered on the floor in shame. "I'm sorry I freaked out like that. We'll finish this together, okay?"

Hesitantly, Henry nodded, gathering up the cookie cutters and washing them up while Emma was already balancing the ingredients in the bowl so the mix was right again. When he finally joined her side again, he kneaded the dough and rolled it out. "Looks like we'll have to eat cookies from now until the end of the year," he noted, based on the quantity.

"Then I guess we should start cutting them out so we don't have to eat the dough raw," Emma nodded, grabbing one of the cutters. "Does your mom only own apple and heart shaped cookie cutters?" she asked incredulously after looking through a few.

"At one point we also had dinosaurs, but I guess she just bought those for my sake and stashed them in the attic when I wasn't five anymore," Henry smirked, holding the two remaining designs up in the air. "So, do you want to cut out hearts or apples?" he asked with a grin.

Emma snatched the heart from his hand and eagerly set to work. "If I had known, I would have gotten more beforehand. Zelena would be more excited about witch hats for sure."

"We can glaze some of the apples green," Henry chuckled, soon putting the first cookie sheet in the oven, then turning his attention to the remaining dough as the first batch baked.

"I definitely don't have enough strength left for that, but feel free to do so," Emma replied with a wry grin, casting probably the hundredth glance at the clock. They still had two hours until Regina would be home to pick them up for the session at Archie's. By then, the kitchen had to be all cleaned up and she wanted to have taken a little nap.

Henry didn't miss Emma's repeated glance at the clock. "I can really finish this by myself. You should get some rest before Mom gets here," he indicated carefully, lowering his eyes to his cookie cutter. He wasn't afraid of Emma or her reaction, but these days you could never be sure how she reacted. Sometimes she resignedly agreed with him, while other times she got angry when he questioned her abilities.

"I will. Let's just finish this together. Maybe you could do the cleanup later?" she asked, seeking his gaze.

Henry lifted his head and nodded at her with a smile, "Sure, no problem."

Emma smiled, too, and immediately returned her attention to her cookie hearts. Although it was exhausting to sit in the kitchen for so long, she enjoyed every single moment she could spend with her son. These days it was rare that she could muster enough pep to do anything other than lie around, and when she did, she usually wasn't alone with Henry, but Regina was with them or she provided some other watchdog. "I can't even remember the last time you and I did something together," she finally admitted quietly.

"I visited you on my own in the hospital a couple of times," Henry said, looking up at her.

A frustrated laugh escaped Emma. "And you call that doing something?" she asked incredulously, shaking her head. "When did we have fun together and did silly tricks?"

Henry thought for a moment, meanwhile taking the finished cookies out of the oven to scoop the next ones onto the cookie sheet. "On my birthday, I guess," he then said, closing the oven door. "It was fun, and it was pretty silly, and for a while I thought Mom was going to kick you out."

The corners of Emma's mouth twisted into a smirk. "Rightfully so. Looking back, it's not funny at all anymore," she admitted.

"After all, you didn't see her panicking, screeching, and jumping fully clothed into the pool to save you after a sprint across the meadow," he chuckled.

Now Emma couldn't quite hold back a short laugh either. "I believe you that looked funny. But I shouldn't have scared her like that, it wasn't fair. We were having a good time, but she was scared to death for me. I mean... I was lying face down on the surface of the water, pretending to be unconscious after my jump from the five-meter board. She was so scared that she jumped in after me even though she can't swim." Emma shook her head and propped it up in her hand for a moment, leaving a trail of flour on her face. What she had found funny and creepily romantic at the time she just felt ashamed of now. "You don't scare someone you love like that."

Henry eyed her serious, exhausted face and again wiped his hands on his apron before stepping beside her again. "You're quite right," he admitted. "But she forgave you and even had to laugh herself afterwards."

Emma nodded and eyed him up and down. "What's going on? Why aren't we continuing?"

"I'm taking you to the living room so you can rest," he replied calmly, holding out his hands to her promptly, but waiting for her permission to help her up.

Sighing, Emma let her gaze slide over the mess they had made. "It was a stupid idea. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't. I don't mind clearing the decks here," he said honestly, still waiting for Emma to put her hand in his.

"Okay then." She had no choice anyway if she wanted to be of any use to Regina later on, so she let her son help her up, albeit reluctantly, and escort her to the living room. "I'll be all right, Henry. You still have a lot to do," she finally fended him off when he tried to lay her down and tuck her in, too. "Thanks for your help."

"Sure," he nodded, for a moment watching her sink heavily into the pillows and pull her legs up against her body before he returned to the kitchen.


Emma opened her eyes as she felt the gentle touch of slender fingers against her head. Immediately a smile flitted across her face as she then caught sight of Regina, who had taken a seat next to her on the couch.

Her dark eyes scrutinized every square inch of Emma's face before she smiled, too. "I let you sleep as long as I could," she whispered, pressing a kiss to her lips.

Emma nodded, ran a hand over her tired eyes, then straightened. "Thanks for waking me up." Gently, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and nuzzled her head into the crook of her neck. "Did you get everything done that you were planning for?" she then wanted to know as sleep gradually fell away from her more and more.

Regina nodded and tenderly stroked circles on her back. "All done. Do you want something to eat before we leave?" On one hand, she was hoping for a yes, because Emma desperately needed to fuel her body with nutrients. But another part of her would welcome it if only because then they could delay going to Archie's a little longer.

Shaking her head however, Emma sat down on the edge of the sofa next to her and then shakily got to her feet. "I'll just freshen up and have a something to drink," she replied. The nap had done her good and she made it easily to the foyer, where she turned into the guest bathroom to save herself a trip up the stairs. When she emerged a few minutes later, she continued her way to the kitchen, where Regina was already waiting for her with a glass of water, which she held out to her when she arrived.

"So, you've been baking." Her expression was inscrutable as she first eyed the towering cookies sitting on the counter to cool and then watched Emma empty her glass.

"And we didn't set the house on fire in the process," Emma nodded after she finished her drink. "We figured since it's Thanksgiving, we should probably at least contribute a little something if we're going to be invited to your sister's house."

Regina nodded briefly, then grinned. "With Henry being with you, I didn't have to worry about the state of the house at all."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Shrugging her shoulders, she took the glass from Emma and put it in the sink. "I taught him how to bake cookies and use a fire extinguisher. So you were in no danger at any time."

"Hey!" With arms folded indignantly in front of her chest, Emma followed her girlfriend into the foyer, where she was already slipping into her coat and high boots. "I had a life in Boston before I came here, remember? Food doesn't fall from the sky there either."

Regina's grin widened; she loved how Emma still jumped at it when she criticized her cooking and baking abilities. "I get it, honey."

Emma, however, just snorted playfully and dressed as well.

"Henry, we're leaving! Make sure you're ready when we get back in two hours! We want to go to Zelena's right after!", Regina called up the stairs before she opened the front door and the two women got into the car.

It didn't escape Emma's notice that Regina grew more silent with each side-street they passed that brought them closer to Archie's practice. "If you're not ready for this, I can wait in the car. I understand, it's something very personal and a big step for you," she said softly, turning her head to the side so she could eye the brunette.

"I'll never be more ready for it than I am now." Regina took a deep breath after she parked, then turned her gaze to Emma as well. "I love you, and it's as much your business as it is mine what goes on inside me, even if I'd prefer to keep you from it."

"You have no idea how glad I am to be able to return something to you in this way, Regina. For weeks, our entire daily routine has revolved around me and my sensitivities. Now I finally have the chance to help you."

Again, Regina took a deep breath and finally nodded. "Well, come on then. You shouldn't spend any more time than necessary out here in the cold.

Emma rolled her eyes and whispered, "Yeah, Mom," but then got out of the car as did Regina. "Pretty nice of Archie to give you another appointment on Thanksgiving."

Regina acknowledged this statement with only a brief nod. She didn't want to bring up the fact that he was probably worried about her mental health if he denied her a conversation on the holidays. Eager to shake off the thought, she put an arm around Emma and led her into the house, where she finally knocked on Archie's door.

Pongo let out a delighted bark before the door opened and Archie looked back and forth between the two women. Tail wagging, Pongo left the room and pressed against Regina's legs.

"Hello, Pongo," she greeted the dog softly, petting his slightly bristly back fur before straightening back up to her full height and looking Archie in the eye. "Hello, Dr. Hopper."

"Regina, Emma." The redheaded therapist nodded to the two with a smile and motioned for them to enter and take a seat. "Nice you join us today, Emma."

"Hey, Archie," the younger of the two smiled at him and then let Regina escort her to the couch in the center of the room. The few steps from the house to the car and then from the car to the doctor's practice had already left her very drained again, and it took a while before she could breathe more calmly again.

"Is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about today, Regina?" Archie finally inquired after everyone had found a seat and he had filled three glasses of water.

"Not really, I guess I assumed I was bringing Emma and then... well, you seemed like you had a definite plan for this one," Regina started and almost instantly began kneading her fingers in her lap.

Emma could practically grasp the change in her girlfriend, and by the way she was being scrutinized by Archie, she knew that he had wanted her to see just that. Gently, she placed her hand over Regina's and squeezed it gently. "It's all right. We're just here to talk, nothing else."

The tension in Regina's shoulder line eased a little as she felt Emma's touch and heard her words, and after a while she managed to look up at Archie again. "I think the panic attacks may have subsided a bit," she finally stated.

"That's good," the therapist nodded. "Are you sleeping better, too?"

"I... yeah. Well, I wake up a lot, but it's alright," the brunette nodded, though her body tensed more again.

"She's a very restless sleeper," Emma said cautiously, who wasn't sure to what extent she was here just to listen and if she was allowed to interfere. However, since Archie's look was encouraging, she continued. "She moves around a lot, sometimes she talks."

Shocked, Regina's head snapped around to face her. "I talk in my sleep?"

"Nothing intelligible. You're more like mumbling," Emma tried to reassure her. "It's just, I lie awake at night sometimes when I'm in pain and can't get back to sleep, and then I'm noticing it."

"Do you have bad dreams?", Archie then wanted to know directly.

"I... Not that I'm aware of," Regina replied, who almost never remembered her dreams when she woke up, if she had any at all. She was silent for a while before continuing. "I don't think I have nightmares. It's more like an uneasy feeling, like a bad premonition that I'm already falling asleep with and then... That's probably why my body refuses to be fast sleep."

"Can you be more specific about this uneasy feeling?"

Regina visibly wrestled with herself. Her hands began to tremble and she dug her fingernails into her palms until they broke through the skin in places and blood was trickling out.

"It's okay," Emma whispered, putting her arm around Regina's shoulders. "It's just Archie and me, you don't have to be afraid." Her free hand gently stroked through her hair to ground her again.

"Whatever it is, we're here to talk about it, so don't hold in," Archie encouraged her, already having a guess as to what it was about and why Regina was suddenly so upset.

Regina swallowed and visibly fought tears as she shook her head. "I can't," she pressed out, but at least stopped hurting herself. "I shouldn't have brought you, I'm sorry," she then turned to Emma.

"Nonsense. I wanted to come and you asked me to. You don't have to be afraid to speak out about what's going on inside you," she replied softly, her arm still around Regina.

The brunette raised her eyes to Archie and in the same move took Emma's hand, squeezing it so tightly that it partially cut off the blood circulation. "I'm afraid of falling asleep too hard and then don't notice when Emma isn't feeling well. As soon as I close my eyes, my mother looks at me disapprovingly and shakes her head. 'I told you so, but you wouldn't listen,' she then says."

Anger settled on Emma's features when she heard this and saw her girlfriend so vulnerable. "Cora! She did this to you!" she cursed. She felt more vital than she had in a long time, and if Cora were still alive, she would have jumped up now and paid her a less than friendly visit.

"Regina, maybe nothing bad is happening in your dreams that you could name, but these are nightmares nonetheless," Archie said quietly, who didn't want the situation to escalate.

Regina swallowed and stared at her knees. She couldn't look at either of them and was still fighting tears. Sometimes she wondered what was the point of coming here. Whenever she was here, she felt terrible, was an emotional wreck, and her nerves reached breaking point while she was doing much better at home. "I wonder," she quietly put these thoughts into words for the first time, "why I need to tell you this. I never feel as bad as I do here, I don't know why I do this to myself and come to you, Hopper. I'd be fine without all this talking." Her voice sounded rough and she hated the vulnerable tone that resonated in it.

"You're just not fine, Regina," he contradicted her. "I know it's hard to talk about it, but you'll never get through it any other way. I believe you that it's hard and also that you're usually better off at home than you are now. But only mostly and that is the problem. At some point, there's the straw that will break the camel's back, and then you'll get into situations like the one with Henry a few weeks ago." He paused, trying to fathom whether his words were reaching her. "If you stop therapy at that point, it can have devastating consequences. Let me help you, I beg you."

Emma was silent; it felt wrong to disrupt this moment with her words, so she just continued to give Regina support and hopefully let her feel that she was not alone.

Regina sighed and loosened her grip on Emma's fingers a tiny bit. "I'm not stopping therapy," she finally stated. "I'm just starting to not know how to go on. I feel like I'm running in place."

"I have a suggestion, and I would like you to listen to it before you reject it."

Expectantly, both women eyed the doctor.

"We talked about this some time ago and you were against it, but I feel like it's time we make use of some medications," he began.

Immediately Regina shook her head and wanted to start protesting.

"Let him finish first, please," Emma gently replied, who could understand, however, that Regina was not exactly taken with the idea of being sedated with pills.

The brunette almost had to bite her tongue, but she complied with Emma's request and remained silent.

"It scares a lot of patients when they hear they're supposed to take pills," Archie then continued, giving Emma a brief, grateful look before returning his full focus to Regina, "but I'm only talking about light sleeping pills and anxiolytics to make sure you can sleep properly again on the one hand and help with anxiety on the other. It would just be a little support to our sessions, but again, they'll be easier for you if you're not chronically sleep-deprived and have to recover from frequent panic attacks on top of that."

"I can't take something like that," Regina whispered, shaking her head, her gaze once again fixed on her knees.

"Well, why not, Regina? What he says actually sounds quite reasonable," Emma tried.

Regina lifted her gaze and looked her in the eye. "I can't, because then I'll be way too fast asleep. What do you think it does to my psyche when you can't get me awake and actually need my help?"

"Could that happen?" Emma turned to Archie.

"Not likely. We're not talking about knocking you out, we're talking about a mild sleep aid to help you calm down."

"There you hear it," Emma responded. "We'll definitely try that."

"Since when do you get to decide what I supply to my body and what I don't?" Regina snapped angrily, pulling away from Emma's grasp.

Concerned, Emma looked at her. "I don't. That's still up to you to decide. But I love you and I can't let you keep beating yourself up like this. So I'll tell you how I'm going to make your decision easier: I'm moving in with my parents."

Regina's eyes grew huge, but before she could say anything, Emma grabbed her hands and continued speaking.

"Temporarily. Just until you know how the medication works and you're sure you can tell when something's wrong with me."

"And how am I supposed to notice when you're not sleeping next to me?" Regina wanted to know with a raised eyebrow.

"Touché." Emma looked away from her and considered how they could solve the problem differently.

"If I may make a suggestion," Archie intervened again then and instantly had the couple's attention. "You could move into Emma's parents' apartment together, or have someone move in with the two of you who can keep an eye on you."

Emma tilted her head and eyed Regina with a mischievous grin.

The brunette looked at her questioningly before shaking her head vigorously. "Oh no, absolutely not!"

"And why not?"

"Because... no! Just no!" Regina got worked up about it, suddenly back to her old self. "That didn't work the first time either!"

"I say yes! It's the best option we have. What a stroke of luck that we can ask her in person later." Emma's grin widened as she squeezed Regina's hand encouragingly.