Chapter 40
"So, was the agitation justified?", Heart wanted to know with a slight smile as she released Emma from the IV tube and flushed her catheter.
Shrugging her shoulders, Emma looked down at herself and watched the doctor do her work. "I can't exactly say that's an experience everyone needs to have," she finally replied dryly.
"You have a point," the doctor admitted. "So, that's it. You're free to go, and I'll see you again on Friday."
Emma nodded and zipped up her hoodie. "Yeah, I guess I won't have a choice," she said, but then smiled. "However, I'm not going to complain. After all, you made me a huge gift today."
Heart smirked slightly. "Your kidneys are doing better, and it's reasonable to try without the dialysis; that doesn't mean it has to stay that way though, so please continue to take it easy."
"Sure," Emma replied dryly. "At least let me have this little fit of euphoria."
"You're allowed that," the oncologist nodded. "Well, see you Friday."
Still smiling, Emma nodded and watched her go as she crossed the room to release another patient of the tube through which he had received his chemo. Inexplicably, Emma had been more excited that morning than she had been at previous chemo appointments, when she had had to stay in the clinic. The prospect of being allowed to go home immediately after treatment should have encouraged her, but the underlying fear of how she would feel had made her nervous. For the moment however, she was doing quite well. The good news about the improved kidney function had given her a bit of a boost, and even though her stomach was rumbling uncomfortably and she was feeling a bit dizzy, the side effects had been bearable so far. Not wanting to block the chair for an unnecessarily long time, and since she could think of better places to wait for her girlfriend, Emma finally rose slowly and heavily, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "See you Friday," she said goodbye to Loraine, who happened to have the chair next to her and with whom she had been talking off and on for the past few hours.
"See you Friday. Have a good rest," the older woman nodded, who had arrived a little later than Emma and whose treatment therefore took some more time.
"Same to you." Slowly, Emma crossed the room, nodded goodbye to one of the nurses sitting at the reception desk, and shuffled into the clinic's entrance hall, where she sank exhausted onto one of the countless chairs lined up around the edge. Shivering, she slipped her arms into her jacket sleeves and tucked the cap she'd gotten from her mother for her birthday over her head. Closing her eyes, she concentrated on slowing her frantic breathing and fighting down the dizziness.
The days after Thanksgiving had again passed at a tremendous rate, and no sooner had she recovered to the point where she was no longer constantly dizzy and nauseous and the pain had allowed her to sleep again than she had once again sat in Heart's consultation room, received an iliac crest puncture, and discussed further therapy with her. For the time being, this consisted of three more chemo cycles, each of which included six sessions, and this time they were done on an outpatient basis. Therefore, Regina brought her to the hospital every Tuesday and Friday to pick her up again four hours later.
It wasn't until she heard the clicking of heels hurrying down the tiled hall that she opened her eyes again and tried for a wry smile.
"Sorry I'm so late, but at the check-out in front of me there was...," Regina began, but Emma gently put her index finger to her lips.
"It's okay, I'm not your only purpose in life. It gave me a few more minutes to rest," she countered, pulling her down to her by the coat collar so she could press a kiss to her lips.
Regina returned the kiss, but then sighed heavily and took a seat in the chair next to Emma for a moment. "You don't have to say that."
"That's the way it is, though. I've been waiting for no more than ten minutes, not two hours. Everything's fine," she affirmed, squeezing her hand. Another chill ran over her and made her teeth chatter briefly, giving the lie to her words.
"Then at least let's not waste any more time now. Come on, I'll take you home," Regina stated softly as she took the bag from her and slipped an arm around her waist to help her up.
"I'm fine," Emma whispered, taking a deep breath before slowly starting to walk. Although she could have done it on her own, she was grateful for the arm that kept her upright, as it meant she had to use a little less strength. "Did you go to the town hall today, too?"
Shaking her head, Regina unlocked the Mercedes and held the passenger door open for Emma. "Snow took over. I was just at Archie's and doing grocery-shopping," she replied curtly.
Glad that Regina wasn't taking on as much as she had a few weeks ago, Emma buckled her seat belt. "How was it like with Archie?" she inquired when Regina finally sat next to her.
"Okay," the latter just mumbled and left the parking space.
"You don't want to talk about it?" Emma speculated, looking at her from the side.
"I don't know what to say about it," Regina improved and sighed. "Let's go home for now and talk about it later," she asked and then focused on the road ahead of them.
Not wanting to distract her from driving, Emma kept silent and leaned her forehead against the side window. The cool surface did her aching head some good, even if the rest of her body was still getting chills coming in attacks. "I have good news, by the way," she said quietly after a while.
"Really? Tell me."
A small smile crept onto her lips before she straightened fully in her seat again and turned to Regina. "My kidney values have stabilized. Of course, we'll have to wait and see how it develops, but Heart is confident I won't need dialysis anymore."
"Emma, that's great news! Why are you just coming out with it now?", Regina wanted to know with slight accusation in her voice as she felt for Emma's forearm and squeezed it gently.
Shrugging her shoulders, she sighed slightly and then stared out the windshield at the driveway that was by now in front of them. "I don't know... I smell a rat. Is there really something working out well in the end? So far it never has."
"Then it's about time it does," Regina nodded, parking her car. "You know I'm pretty much the last person to look on the bright side of everything, but even you can't be that unlucky that everything always ends badly."
Emma let out a short laugh before slowly getting out of the car and taking a deep breath of the fresh air. The nausea faded a little as a result and she breathed a sigh of relief.
"Shall we?" Regina asked a moment later, offering her an arm.
"Yes," Emma agreed, walking with her to the front door. "Just give me a minute, the air is doing me good," she then asked as Regina was already putting the key in the lock.
"Whatever you want," she nodded and put her arms around her. Gently she stroked her cheek and then pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm glad your values have improved," she whispered, smiling softly as she studied Emma's green eyes. Eventually, she lowered her gaze and became more serious again. "About Hopper..." she began slowly, then broke off again. Her eyes fixed on a spot over Emma's shoulder so she wouldn't have to look at her.
Emma knew better than to urge her to speak, and thus merely squeezed her hands in encouragement.
"He's started the conversation about the meds again," she finally whispered, sighing before looking her girlfriend in the eye again. "Emma, I don't want this."
Emma tilted her head to the side and gently touched her shoulder. "You know my opinion on this. You know Zelena's opinion on it. And you know Archie's, too. But ultimately, what you take and what you don't take is your decision alone. I've got your back; I hope you know that. I probably pushed you too hard the other day and I'm sorry about that. However, I really think you'd feel better if you agreed, and I care about nothing more than making you feel comfortable."
"I'm not comfortable with the idea, though."
Nodding, Emma pulled her into a hug and stroked her back. "Then wait until you're comfortable with it. You've managed without so far, so you will for a while longer. Just don't wait until you collapse from overstrain again," she said gently.
Regina closed her eyes and enjoyed the love and care Emma was giving her as she nodded slowly. "I'll keep considering it, I promise," she brought out in a slightly choked voice.
"You'll do the right thing, I know you will," Emma nodded, leaning away from her again. "Let's go inside before my knees get any softer," she then asked with an apologetic smile on her lips.
So, Regina opened the door and let Emma go ahead. "Do you want to change first?"
The prospect of having to climb the stairs didn't make Emma feel a bit comfortable, so she delayed her answer while she slipped off her shoes. "I think I'll just freshen up a bit," she then said slowly, her eyes fixed on the door of the downstairs guest bathroom.
"I can get your clothes down for you," Regina replied.
Emma eyed her silently, pressed her lips together into a thin line, then nodded. "Thanks," she whispered and slowly walked into the bathroom. She didn't want to cause inconvenience for her girlfriend, and she especially didn't want to say out loud that she felt too weak to climb the stairs at the moment. Emma's head was spinning as she closed the bathroom door behind her and rested her hands on the edge of the sink. Taking a deep breath, she raised her head and risked a fleeting glance at her reflection. She barely wanted to look at herself anymore, and it was beyond her that Regina did it. It wasn't even the baldness that bothered her the most, but rather her emaciated, pale skin that, even without the loss of her hair, clearly said she was gravely ill. Sighing, Emma turned on the faucet and washed her face cold with her free hand while continuing to hold onto the sink with the other.
"I didn't know if you'd rather have the hoodie, or a shirt with a jacket over it, so I brought both," Regina stated as she reentered the small room and hung Emma's clothes over a towel rack.
"Thank you," Emma nodded again, giving her a fleeting smile before looking away from her again and continuing to breathe deeply and slowly.
Regina eyed her hesitantly, but instead of leaving the bathroom as Emma had expected, she moved closer and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?"
Emma just got around to nodding before she ripped open the lid of the toilet and threw up. She didn't have the strength to squat down, so she just lowered herself completely to the floor and held onto the toilet bowl. Sweat was on her forehead and tears in her eyes as she lifted her gaze and fixed Regina. "Go, please."
"Emma..."
"Get out!" Nothing was further from her mind than snapping at Regina, but she wanted to maintain at least a modicum of dignity and that was impossible for her with Regina watching her regurgitate the contents of her stomach.
Torn, Regina remained rooted to the spot at first and finally pushed up the sleeves of her light gray cardigan before wetting a washcloth and squatting down next to Emma. "I'm here for you, you don't have to go easy on me," she whispered, gently dabbing her forehead and neck before placing the rag on the back of her neck and securing it there with her hand.
At first Emma stiffened, but then concentrated fully on the pleasant coolness, ignoring the guilt she felt toward Regina. "I'll be fine," she said quietly after a while, when she was sure she wasn't going to throw up again right away.
"Do you want to get up?" Regina asked gently.
Emma didn't manage to look her in the eye as she nodded and reached for the window sill above her head to pull herself up.
Wrapping her arm around Emma's skinny waist, Regina helped her girlfriend up from the floor and let her take a seat on the enclosed toilet. "Do you want me to help you change?"
Jerkily Emma's gaze shot up to her and she was about to say that wasn't necessary, but her knees were still shaking even in her sitting position and any overexertion was poison to her body. "With the pants, maybe," she whispered, barely audible, and lowered her gaze.
"Of course. Just hold onto me, okay?", Regina nodded and waited until Emma had reluctantly wrapped her arms around her neck before slowly straightening her up and pushing her jeans down. She then squatted down in front of Emma again and pulled her sweatpants over her feet.
"I can't do this anymore," Emma whispered as Regina stood in front of her, helping her up again.
"We can wait a minute if you need to rest for a moment," Regina immediately said.
Emma however shook her head, putting a hand to her forehead. "That's not what I mean. I don't want you to see me like this, having to dress me and wash me, that... That's worse than the disease itself." Toward the end, she grew quieter and quieter and looked away from her.
Taking a deep breath, Regina leaned her buttocks against the sink and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "We've talked about getting a caregiver before," she stated slowly. "If that's what you want..."
"Of course it's not!" Emma retorted quickly. "I wish I... I wish everything was the way it used to be."
Regina bit her lower lip and nodded slowly as she stared at the tiled wall across from her. "I would wish that, too. But that's just not how it works." She took a deep breath and finally turned back to her girlfriend. "Listen... I know you feel terrible about this, and I can understand you, 100 percent. But I also want you to know that you can always count on me and that I don't see it as a burden, a strain, or an imposition to care for you. Quite the opposite, Emma. I think it's important that we don't lose our closeness to each other, and if we make an effort, we might even manage to make it not just care, but something beautiful, something intimate. Something that belongs to us."
Looking up at her in disbelief, Emma slowly shook her head. "Something beautiful? What's beautiful about me mutating into a toddler or a senior citizen or whatever?"
"Nothing is beautiful about it. But if we make an effort not to let it become a chore, it's certainly more pleasant than having an outside caregiver treat you like what you are to him: his job," Regina said gently, hesitantly taking Emma's hand. "After all, we have nothing to lose. Let's give it a try, and then if you still don't think you can take it, I can look around immediately and hire someone."
Emma's jaw muscles twitched, but after a while she barely noticeably squeezed Regina's hand. "Alright, let's try," she agreed quietly and sighed, "But I have one thing to ask of you."
Questioningly, Regina looked at her.
"Let me do what I can still do myself. Don't take away my every move to go easy on me. Ask me if you should and may help me. That's my condition," Emma stated in a firm voice.
"I can live with that," Regina nodded and handed her the comfortable hoodie she had brought for her.
Emma wrestled a small smile as she laboriously slipped out of her top and slipped the hoodie over her head instead. By now she had to be careful to not to stick on one but two catheters, so it took quite a while, but she was grateful that Regina seemed to abide by her request and did not interfere.
"Would you rather lie down in bed?" her girlfriend finally wanted to know as she helped Emma up and they stepped back into the foyer.
"No, I can lie in bed all night. I want to be with you and Henry," she immediately replied, making her way into the living room. Besides, she still didn't feel any better and wanted to avoid the top floor as long as possible.
Without protests, Regina went with her and spread out some pillows for her to get comfortable. Only after she had tucked Emma in and fixed her a glass of water did she take a seat on the edge of the sofa and gently stroked Emma's arm.
Emma flinched briefly at first at the touch, as her skin was hypersensitive after each chemo, but eventually enjoyed Regina's caresses.
"What about the catheter for dialysis? When will it be removed?" she asked, letting her fingers slide over Emma's arm a little more gently so as not to hurt her.
"Sometime in the next few days, I guess. Not until they're sure my kidneys can handle it themselves," Emma explained sighing. "I didn't think I'd be able to get off dialysis again."
Smirking, Regina leaned over her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I told you not to throw in the towel just yet," she countered.
"Has just been hard," Emma admitted, shifting a little as her back began to ache. "You know what?"
"Huh?"
"I haven't even thanked you yet," she stated, looking Regina firmly in the eye.
Confused, Regina eyed her. "For what?"
"You were the one who pushed me to get my symptoms checked up when my kidneys gave up the ghost. If you hadn't done that, I would definitely be worse off now, if I were alive at all. And even though I complain a lot, I'm glad I'm still here. With you." She tilted her head slightly on the pillow and smiled at Regina as she put her hands around hers and stroked her thumbs over them. "I love you."
"And I love you," Regina replied, returning her wide smile that had become far too rare. "But you still don't have to thank me. Not for this."
Emma rolled her eyes, but didn't get a chance to reply, as Henry unlocked the front door at that moment, dropped his school backpack, kicked off his shoes, and came into the living room.
"Emma, how did it go?" he immediately wanted to know and dropped into the armchair opposite the couch where both his mothers were.
"Hi, kid," she greeted her son and sat up a little. "Well... it was chemo, what can I say," she then grinned wryly and shook her head. "But it was okay. And hey, from the looks of it, my kidneys are through the worst of it. So I don't think the day could have gone any better."
"Really? That's awesome! I'm happy for you, Ma!" the teenager immediately cheered, before jumping back up and wrapping one arm around Emma and one around Regina. "Then maybe everything will be okay after all."
Emma gave Regina an uncertain sideways glance as she stroked Henry's back, then put a kiss on his cheek. "Yeah, maybe."
"Hey!" Henry protested immediately, wiping away his mother's wet smack.
"Don't hug me if you can't live with kisses," Emma grinned tiredly.
Also grinning, Henry looked back and forth between the two. "You know what? We haven't had a family afternoon in a while. Don't you want to do something?"
Regina looked worriedly at Emma and was already opening her mouth, but she interrupted.
"Sure, why not? Do you want to watch a movie? Or play something?" she asked her son.
"What do you think about 'Ludo'?" Henry suggested as quickly as if he had already thought about it for a long time.
"Whatever you want," Emma nodded, watching him as he ran out of the room beaming, grabbing his backpack as he passed and hurrying upstairs to his room.
"A board game? You'd better get some rest," Regina pointed out when Henry was out of earshot, turning to Emma as he did so.
Sighing, the latter put the blanket aside and sat up fully. "I can always rest later," she indicated, meeting Regina's gaze. "He's 15; I don't think he wants to do this much longer. And even if he does, I don't know if I'll be around forever to do this with him. Right now, I don't feel too bad, so I'm going to take advantage of that." She took a sip from the glass of water on the table and then put her hand to Regina's cheek before gently turning her face toward herself and kissing her.
Regina returned the kiss, one hand loosely in Emma's, the other around her shoulders.
"Urgh, moms! Is that really necessary?" it sounded in from the doorway to the living room.
Her lips still on Regina's, Emma twisted hers into a smirk. "You could have taken your time," she said dryly and let go of her girlfriend.
Henry rolled his eyes, but then returned to the coffee table, where he set up the game board. "What color do you want?"
Simultaneously as Emma shouted "Green!", Regina demanded "Red!".
Shaking his head, Henry set up the game pieces on the board and took the blue ones himself.
"Why the head shaking?" Regina demanded with a raised eyebrow.
"Nothing," Henry replied, handing her the dice. "You start."
"No, no, no, not so fast. Why the head shaking?" Regina persisted.
Grinning, Henry folded his arms in front of him on the table and rested his chin on them. "You guys are already pretty aggressive with the choice of color, so what's the game going to be like?"
"Don't be silly, we're adults and that's how we're going to act," Regina stated indignantly and rolled the dice three times. When no six appeared, she pushed the dice on to her son with a frustrated snort.
He exchanged a knowing grin with Emma and then began rolling the dice himself. He already knew that he had had a good idea with his suggestion and that the afternoon would be nice despite Emma's weakened condition.
