Chapter 41
"You really don't have to stay. That's nonsense, Regina. You'd better work or do errands in that time, otherwise you'll stress yourself out again when I get home. So far, I've always managed perfectly well on my own." Emma's gaze slid over the nervous mayor, who stood in front of her, looking down at her indecisively while a nurse hooked up an IV to Emma and connected the chemo.
"Not that it's any of my business," she interjected, "but Emma's right, Ms. Mills. The treatment takes about three hours of time, followed by another hour during which we observe Emma, and then you can pick her up again. In the meantime, we'll take good care of her."
"You heard her!" When the nurse stepped back and stopped fiddling about with her catheter, Emma leaned forward and reached for Regina's hand. "See you in four hours?"
Hesitantly, Regina nodded and gave Emma a kiss on the forehead. "See you then."
Emma watched her go and leaned back in her chair again with a sigh.
"Who would have thought Regina Mills could drive herself crazy because of someone else," the nurse's voice was heard. "No offense. She's just never shown it like that before."
Nodding, Emma continued to watch as the nurse connected her with the tubes and put the blood pressure cuff on her. "For a long time, only Henry could make her do that," she admitted, looking over at the door through which Regina had disappeared. "Sometimes I wish she'd take it a little easier on herself. She worries about me more than it's good for her."
"A lot of patients have that problem with their loved ones, especially with such delicate illnesses where the prognosis is unclear."
"So, do you have any advice for me on how we can solve this problem?" the young woman wanted to know.
"Unfortunately, no, sorry," she returned, pulling off her gloves as she finished programming the pump. "It often helps if you show them that you're not as helpless as they assume."
"Unfortunately, though, it's gotten to the point where I really need help with almost everything," Emma sighed.
"It's hard, I know. But looking at the two of you, I have no doubt you'll be able to get through this together," she smiled and picked up her syringe-tray. "If there's any problem, please let me know anytime."
Emma nodded. "Thank you." As the nurse walked to the next chair, where another cancer patient was waiting for her, she closed her eyes. She would have liked to say that the outpatient appointments were more convenient for her when, instead of the full ten days, she only had to go twice a week for treatment and could spend the rest of the time at home. But the trips there and back were exhausting, and her body was less and less able to recover between sessions before the next one was already upcoming. To make matters worse, although Regina had spoken to her sister that evening at Zelena's farmhouse, she still hadn't been able to bring herself to take the pills Archie had suggested, even though Zelena had agreed to the request without batting an eye.
Emma's hope was that after the 18 completed treatments, it would be over and she would be in remission, which would certainly help improve Regina's mental well-being, but since today was only her fourth session, that goal seemed so far off that it almost made her despair.
"Hello, Emma!"
Abruptly, Emma opened her eyes again and turned to the voice that had addressed her. "Hi." She gave Loraine, who had stopped beside her, a look with a smile. They had noticed that the older woman always had her chemo appointments at the same times as Emma, and since there wasn't much else to distract them from the nausea and pain, they had talked more and more during the past three times. So Emma already knew that before the curse, she had been a simple baker who had lived without a husband or children in one of the many settlements in the Enchanted Forest. Emma felt sorry for her every time she came and went all alone; she herself did not know if she would not have already given up long ago without her family.
Loraine put her pillow, which she always had with her, in the chair to be more comfortable and then took a seat. Even before a nurse could come, she exposed her port.
"How are you?", Emma wanted to know and changed her position slightly so that she could look at her better.
Her fellow-sufferer smirked and shook her head. "Your fourth session, right?" she recalled, "and you're still asking people in a room full of cancer patients how they're doing," she said amusedly.
Emma grinned wryly as well and let her head sink against the back of the chair. "Habit? Decency? Take your pick."
"I've been worse," Loraine finally answered after all, shrugging her shoulders. "But also better, I guess."
Pressing her lips together, Emma eyed her for a while and nodded slowly. It wasn't hard to see that her body was almost finished. Unlike herself, she was suffering from a chronic form of leukemia that, while not as aggressive, had been a part of her for more than three years now.
Loraine just waved it off when she noticed Emma's look. "Let's talk about something else. After all, we want to distract ourselves," she indicated, and then greeted the nurse, who was also taking her values, and then hooked her up to the chemo. "How's the mayor doing?"
Emma raised a brow. "You mean Regina, my girlfriend? It's weird when everyone always calls her 'the mayor.' But how do you come up with her now?"
The older woman looked Emma in the eye for a long moment before taking as deep a breath as she could. "A few weeks ago, you were at Dr. Heart's together. I was there, too, though you only gave me a passing greeting as you came out of the consulting room. Regina was waiting for you outside and we talked briefly," she explained.
Tensely, Emma looked at her. "I know. What did you talk about? Regina didn't say anything when I asked her about it."
Loraine hesitated and just eyed Emma out of her intelligent blue eyes for a while. "I offered to talk to her to make her feel better," she finally decided that the truth was best. "She seemed very upset."
"I'm not really making it easy for her," Emma muttered, wrapping her arms around her shivering body as she stared at the floor in front of her.
"Because you're sick? You can't help that," Loraine reasoned.
"I know, but... I hate to burden her with this. At least my kidneys have recovered enough to keep me off dialysis."
She nodded and gave a quick dry cough. "You're lucky to have her." Her words were barely a whisper.
Emma looked up and gazed apologetically into her eyes. "I am! And yet it feels shit to know she's suffering because of me. Because she is. She tries to hide it, but I can tell because I know her. And she goes to Hopper, and that means she's really, really miserable."
"At least she's seeking help," Loraine considered.
"I'm unspeakably glad she is. I could never forgive myself if she broke because of my disease. It's my disease, not hers."
A smile lit up Loraine's face when she heard those words. "Of course it's not nice, but it shows how much she loves you. Otherwise, it wouldn't take it's toll on her so much."
Emma snorted briefly. "I really could have done without that. I knew she loved me; I don't need leukemia for that."
Loraine chuckled and shook her head slightly. "I didn't mean it that way, of course."
"I know." Emma sighed and pulled her blanket out of her bag to wrap it around herself. She knew by now that the terrible cold that seemed to be eating away at her bones and guts was coming from within her and couldn't be controlled with a blanket, but at least it felt a little cozier that way. Despite the pills she took before each treatment, she was already feeling nauseous again and the morning's tea was rebelling in her stomach.
Immediately Loraine fell silent, noticing Emma's discomfort. She felt sorry for the young woman and almost as sorry for her son, her parents and her partner. Such a diagnosis was never convenient, no matter how old one was, but Emma was in her golden years and she didn't know if she could bear it if she'd lose the battle. Filled with apprehension, she had watched her deteriorate more and more the last few times they had seen each other, and with each passing time, Regina seemed to be aging years out of concern as well.
Emma, unaware of Loraine's thoughts, reached for the emetic bowl moments later and threw up her tea explosively. Exhausted, she then slumped back in her chair and shakily wiped her mouth with a handkerchief as she closed her eyes.
"Would you like a drink of water?" the nurse wanted to know, who was on hand almost at the same time, clearing away the bowl.
"Hell no," Emma whispered, taking a deep breath. She met Loraine's worried gaze and immediately closed her eyes again. She felt uncomfortable that anyone could watch her regurgitate her breakfast. Of course, she wasn't the only one who felt this way, but she had never once seen Loraine vomit. "How do you do that?" she wanted to know.
"How do I do what?" the latter replied confused.
"I've never seen you throw up before. Do you hold it back and then carry it out at home, or what?" She didn't care about her choice of words at that moment. It didn't get any less repulsive to use chosen language.
Loraine had to laugh. "Of course not. I think you're just on a much more aggressive drug than I am. I'm usually just tired all the time and sometimes a little dizzy, otherwise I feel okay."
"Great," Emma muttered, before again leaning forward strained and retching, only by now her stomach was empty. Tears ran down her cheeks, which she wiped away furiously. "It's humiliating."
"No one here cares, believe me."
"If I can ever be sheriff again, no one will take me seriously."
Loraine shook her head. "That's just bullshit. The opposite will be true. They'll celebrate and admire you as a hero for withstanding so bravely."
"Ha-ha," Emma said unconvinced before she slumped and pulled the blanket around her.
Loraine decided to let her have her rest as Emma grew quiet, her body apparently having finally adapted somewhat to the treatment, and closed her eyes herself. She probably even fell asleep briefly, because the next time she opened her eyes, the front door opened and Regina came in, heels clicking on the floor.
The mayor's face was rigid, allowing no movement as she passed the rows of patients and some relatives. She merely nodded politely to them and headed for the end of the room where Emma sat. Only when she reached her did her features soften and she took a seat on the stool next to her chair.
Emma opened her eyes and blinked for a moment against the brightness that was giving her a headache. "You're back already?" she asked weakly, trying to pull herself up a little. Her gaze slid to the IV stand, which was empty. "I didn't even realize it was over," she noted dumbfounded, and straightened up some more. "Oh damn," she cursed as she screwed up her face and her hand darted to her aching hip.
"Slow down, Emma. We have time," Regina replied, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. "Hello, Ms. Baker," she greeted Loraine with her usual detachment when she noticed her gaze.
"Good afternoon, Ms. Mills," the former baker replied curtly. She didn't want to disturb either of them, and Emma was clearly dealing with herself as she slid forward to the edge of the chair, not quite seeming to know how to get to her feet.
"What have you been doing in the meantime?" the young woman wanted to know, trying to distract from herself and her condition.
"I helped your mother at the town hall for a while, packed up some files and then did the weekend grocery-shopping," Regina listed.
"Glad you got it all done," she countered.
Regina didn't want to push Emma, so she took a quick look around the room, which she had now entered several times. "Where does that door actually lead to?" she finally inquired. She had seen nurses go in and out of there several times, but had never been there herself.
"You don't want to know," Emma muttered, taking a deep breath.
Waiting, Regina looked at her.
Sighing, Emma shrugged in response. "That's where the ones get their chemo, whose ends are near." Of course, it wasn't officially the case that everyone who was treated there died, and it was meant to sound funny, but secretly she was afraid of possibly ending up there too at some point. "Anyway, let's go now," she therefore asked quickly.
Regina swallowed and nodded hastily before reaching under her girlfriend's arms.
Emma gritted her teeth and stood up, only to sink back into the chair with a pained gasp the next moment. "Regina, I..." she whispered, staring at her trembling knees.
The brunette nodded and gave her arm a quick squeeze. "It's okay, I know." She looked around for a nurse and stopped her as she passed by them. "Could we possibly have a wheelchair?" she asked in a discreetly lowered voice.
"Of course," the nurse nodded graciously. "Just a moment, please."
Emma propped her elbow on her knee and lowered her head into her palm. "We could have waited a little longer and I'm sure it would have been fine," she stated full of self-loathing.
"I know. I just want you to be able to lie down soon, okay?" Regina replied gently, putting her arms around her so Emma's head came to rest against her stomach.
Loraine loved how Regina tried to talk Emma out of being too weak to get up, saying instead that she just wanted to get her home quickly. "I'll see you on Tuesday then, Emma?"
Emma looked up a little and nodded slowly. "I guess so. We won't have any other choice." She managed a wry smile before the nurse returned with the wheelchair and she and Regina helped her into it. Emma felt like sinking into the ground. Inside her, shame and exhaustion dueled, but the latter seemed to win as she nearly collapsed again when she had to stand up, the pain almost making her cry out. "See you Tuesday," she whispered to Loraine after Regina had packed her blanket back into her bag and draped it around herself.
"See you Tuesday," Loraine nodded, then gave Regina a look that hopefully told her to hang in there.
Slowly Regina pushed Emma, who was saying goodbye to the nurses as she passed, out the door. "Now you're over the halfway mark!" she tried to cheer her up as she headed for her Mercedes.
"From the first of the three cycles," Emma nodded unenthusiastically, staring at the car in front of her. While she was still considering whether it would be worse to fall or to ask Regina for help, she had already pushed her arms under her armpits again and transferred her to the car seat.
"I'll be right back," the dark-haired woman said quietly before she returned the wheelchair.
Emma buckled her seatbelt and then stared after her. She just needed some rest. If she lay down on the sofa right away, she would surely feel better afterwards. She hoped so much for it that she couldn't even begin to doubt it. "Is Henry home yet?" she wanted to know when her girlfriend was back.
"I don't think so, it's still early," Regina considered, then drove home in silence. She was worried about how to carry on, because now exactly what she had been most afraid of all along was happening: Emma could no longer manage to stay on her feet.
Tired, Emma looked over at her as she remained persistently silent the entire way. "What are you thinking about?" She tried very hard not to let her discomfort show, as of course she had an exactly accurate guess.
"I'm thinking of calling Zelena," she admitted, stopping in the driveway.
"Zelena?"
"Would you prefer Snow?" Regina asked, taking a deep breath. "I don't know if I'll be able to get you upstairs," she admitted truthfully, lowering her gaze.
Emma bit her lip for a moment before shaking her head. "You don't have to. I have to. And I will. Trust me."
Regina looked up at her, wanting to retort that she could barely stand up, let alone climb a flight of stairs, but she remained silent and nodded. She wanted desperately to trust her, as insane as the thought was.
"If you help me, I can go in, and after I've rested for a while, I can manage the stairs." She squeezed Regina's hand and smiled at her.
"I love you," Regina whispered chokingly, then jerked out of the car.
Emma sighed, knowing that Regina only got out so quickly because she didn't want her to see her tears. But since she had no other choice, she remained in her seat until her girlfriend regained her composure, opened the door and helped her out of the car. Again, her knees buckled under her weight, but she managed, with Regina's help, to steady her footing and then walked at a snail's pace to the house. She didn't know what was worse: her weakened condition that kept causing her to stagger and forced her to lean on Regina, the nausea that raged inside her, or her racing heart that was desperately trying to fuel her muscles with oxygen, of which there simply wasn't enough.
"We'll be right there," Regina kept repeating as they walked in.
If Emma had had the breath, she would have retorted that she knew where their living room was, but she had to pace herself, so she dragged herself along, step by step, only to collapse downright onto the sofa. While Regina made her comfortable with pillows and blankets, she just lay there gasping for air like a fish out of water, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.
"Emma, stay with me, okay?" Regina said nervously, who leaned over her girlfriend and frowned anxiously.
Slowly, Emma fixed her eyes on her and nodded. Regina looked so pretty with the way her hair fell forward and framed her face. She wished she didn't look so sad and scared. Her hand trembled as she lifted her arm with the greatest effort to be able to touch her cheek. "I love you too," she replied between her quick breaths before she was forced to close her eyes
Regina took Emma's hand and held it against her cheek for a moment longer, then pressed a kiss to it and gently placed her arm back beside her. She was afraid she wouldn't recover, but after a few minutes her shoulders slumped in relief as Emma's breathing finally returned to normal and she fell asleep.
