Chapter 43
The following week seemed to drag on infinitely. Tuesday's chemotherapy came and went and so did Friday's, but both treatments left Emma a little more worn down.
As she lay in her bed in the evening staring at the ceiling, she should have been relieved. She had survived another cycle and now had a three-week recovery break ahead of her. In addition, Christmas was just around the corner. But none of that could lighten her depressed mood at the moment. She felt more and more like a burden to her family and even though fortunately no further incident had occurred in which Henry had had to intervene, the experience had burned itself deep into her thoughts and haunted her every waking minute and sometimes even in her dreams. Although it had been two days since the last treatment, she had spent half the day kneeling in front of the toilet and vomiting until her lips had split open and started to bleed. Nevertheless, her stomach, which was actually completely empty by now, was still rumbling.
Her throat burned painfully as Emma swallowed hard and turned her gaze to the door as it slowly opened.
Regina slipped into the room in her silk pajamas and closed the door behind her as quietly as possible.
"I'm awake," Emma whispered, not wanting to startle her or strain her scratchy voice too much.
With a flowing movement, Regina took a seat on the bed and eyed her girlfriend, "Can't sleep?"
"I'm too exhausted to sleep." She knew how strange this sounded, but she had been feeling this way a lot lately. When she was too worn out and really needed rest, she just couldn't manage to fall asleep.
Furrowing her brows in concern, Regina nodded and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Is there anything I can get you?"
Emma shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. "Just sleep, I'm sure I'll fall asleep eventually." With that, she closed her eyes and hoped her girlfriend would comply with the request.
Regina paused indecisively on the edge of the bed for a moment before slipping under her covers and lying down. "Wake me up if you don't feel well."
To her reassurance, Emma nodded with her eyes closed.
"Sleep well," Regina whispered. Her heart was pounding; it had been like this every night at bedtime since she took the medication she had finally had Archie prescribe. Zelena was in the guest room next door, as promised, but still she was afraid that neither of them would wake up if worst came to worst. As her hands began to tremble, she inhaled deeply through her nose and exhaled through her mouth to steady herself, but by then Emma's hand already was around hers.
"It's all right," she whispered, squeezing her fingers gently. "When I woke you up last night, you woke right up, didn't you?"
Regina nodded slowly, but she still couldn't fully convince her.
"Have you watched TV?", Emma wanted to know after a few minutes of silence.
"Uh-huh," it sounded from Regina, "Robin fell asleep quickly and we weren't tired yet."
"That's good." Emma felt like she was claiming Regina's every waking minute; she was all the more relieved to hear that she was at least spending time with her sister.
Regina slid a little closer to Emma and put her arm around her. "If I'd known you weren't asleep, I would have come to you sooner."
"Why? You more than deserve a night off. What's so bad about me lying here and you having fun with Zelena?" Emma sighed and opened her eyes. "Stop wasting your life. It can't be healthy to be around me all day. I'm a walking corpse, I'm just dragging you down."
"Emma, what the...?!" Regina shook her head, returning her gaze in horror. "Stop even thinking such things. You'll be fine."
Emma just nodded and closed her eyes again. She knew well enough that it was useless to discuss this subject with Regina. But the worse she got, the more she felt she had to talk about the fact that she might die. However, it was incredibly debilitating that no one wanted to hear about it, leaving her alone with her gloomy thoughts.
Regina looked at Emma in the darkness for a while longer, but eventually her fatigue caught up with her and the pills did the rest, so sleep overtook her.
It took an incredibly long time for Emma to finally fall asleep, only to wake up again just two hours later. With trembling fingers, she ran her hand over her sweaty forehead. Her stomach seemed to do somersaults once again, and so, with a wildly pounding heart, she threw back her covers and pushed her legs out of bed in pain.
With one arm wrapped around her stomach and the other hand supporting against the wall, she left the bedroom and staggered strenuously to the bathroom, where she was able to open the toilet lid just in time before she threw up profusely. A pain-filled sound escaped her as gastric acid caused her sores in her esophagus and mouth to reopen. Tears ran down her cheeks without her being able to do anything about them.
Emma took a deep breath as the nausea subsided somewhat for now and slipped out of her sweat-soaked sleep shirt to wash her upper body with a washcloth. Every movement was beyond exhausting, so she hoped to return to her bed immediately afterwards.
As she dried herself, however, she felt nauseous again and threw up yet another time. Trembling, she sank to the floor next to the toilet and clung to the white porcelain. Again and again her stomach heaved and as blood mingled with the bilious green color, she tried not to panic and just keep breathing calmly, but she was so dizzy and the oxygen in the room seemed to be running low. With her body quivering, when the vomiting finally subsided, she simply lay down on the cold tiled floor, drew her knees up to her naked torso and wrapped her arms around them. She remained in this fetal position until she felt warm fingers against her ice-cold skin.
"Emma, can you hear me?" Regina's voice almost cracked in fear when she found her girlfriend half naked on the cold floor and saw all the blood.
"I feel sick," Emma whispered. That was all her battered vocal cords could manage. She had no idea how long she had been lying in the bathroom before her girlfriend had found her. It could have been minutes, but it could just as easily have been hours.
It was only thanks to Regina, who pulled Emma up from the tiles, that she vomited again into the toilet bowl instead of just beside her. Only her hands held her upright and prevented her from immediately slumping down again. Horrified, Regina stared at the clots of blood her girlfriend coughed up. "Where does all that blood come from?" She didn't expect an answer from her and could only pull herself out of her state of shock with all her might. "Don't be scared, I'll be right back. Just breathe and stay awake." As she spoke, she put a bath towel around her shoulders to keep her at least a little warm and leaned her back against the wall.
Emma fought unconsciousness with all her might. She had no idea where Regina had gone or when she would return. She had lost all sense of time and didn't even feel the cold that had made her shiver just a few minutes ago. As her head fell to the side, Regina's gentle, warm hands reached for her again.
"Stay awake, Emma!" she almost shouted at her, but it helped.
Emma's eyes opened a crack again and fixed on her.
"That's it. Help is on the way. I'll get you dressed, just let me do it."
Too weak to say anything back or resist in any way, she let Regina put her in a loose sweater and sweatpants. Even as Regina washed her face, she just stared ahead. Only vaguely did she notice Zelena's presence. She had no idea when Regina's sister had joined them.
"How long did you say they needed?" the latter wanted to know from the sink, where she was packing Emma's toothbrush into the emergency hospital bag. Her hair was disheveled from sleep and her dark green bathrobe was just thrown on, not tied.
"Too long, if you ask me," Regina replied through clenched teeth, and would have loved to do a happy dance when the ambulance finally pulled up in front of the house with lights flashing.
Immediately, Zelena made her way downstairs to let the paramedics in and then took a quick peek into the guest room to make sure her daughter was still sound asleep.
Regina answered the paramedics' questions as best and accurately as she could while she watched them hook Emma up to a monitor, put an oxygen mask on her, and administer various medications through the catheter that was already in place.
"Regina," came Emma's whisper after a while.
It was only thanks to the fact that Regina was paying attention to her every movement that she had even realized she had said anything. "Don't speak, everything will be fine."
"Tell Henry... Tell him I love him," Emma continued unperturbed in a hoarse voice.
"You tell him that yourself," Regina countered firmly. "Don't you dare say goodbye!"
Emma's lips twisted into a smile. "It's okay."
"We have to go," one of the paramedics said before Regina could respond to Emma's words.
Emma's face contorted in pain as they lifted the gurney with her on it and took it down to the ambulance.
Regina immediately wanted to rush after them, but Zelena held her back from behind by her upper arms. "Let them do their work first. I know it's hard, but try to calm down, okay?"
Blankly, Regina looked at her from almost black, tear-veiled eyes. "Calm down? You want me to calm down?"
"This exactly. She's not dying, they'll fix it," Zelena assured her, wiping tears from her sister's cheeks. Her gaze slid to Regina's trembling hands hanging down beside her body, covered in blood. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up first, then we'll get changed and have a drink, and in the meantime, they'll take care of Emma. You can't see her in the ER anyway." With gentle force, she pushed Regina to the sink, pushed up her sleeves, and used a hand brush to remove the dried traces of blood from her skin.
"You can't know if she'll survive this. I don't want her to be alone when she dies," she returned in a choked voice.
Zelena paused and met Regina's gaze in the mirror. "They can help her, you'll see." She hesitated for a while before looking down at the floor and then drying Regina's hands and forearms. "Do you want to wake Henry?"
Immediately the brunette shook her head. "No, it's enough for us not to sleep."
"But there's no way I'm letting you drive alone, and someone has to keep an eye on Robin."
Regina took a deep breath and lowered herself onto the stool next to the sink. "It's not far after all, I can drive myself."
"And have an accident? Emma will never forgive me," Zelena objected, tossing Regina a pair of jeans and a sweater she'd found in the linen closet.
"These are Emma's things," Regina whispered chokingly, running her hand over her forehead. "I'll drive carefully. And someone needs to tell Henry what's going on in case he wakes up. End of discussion." Firmly, as if she couldn't otherwise find the strength, she rose again, stuffed the clothes back into the closet, and grabbed her own.
Zelena watched her sister slip into a skin-tight blouse and pencil skirt in the middle of the night, with plans to visit a hospital, but she said nothing. She knew that only her professional mask could keep her from shattering to pieces. "I'll make us some tea," she finally said quietly before she tied her robe and disappeared downstairs into the kitchen.
Regina propped herself up on the edge of the sink, fighting down her anxiety as she finally had a moment alone. Closing her eyes, she took deep breaths in and out. When she finally opened them again, her eyes fell on Emma's bracelet - the brown leather cord with the tree of life - that Henry had given her. She had probably taken it off when she washed herself. Regina swallowed and took it between her fingers. She was not a superstitious person, but seeing it lying here while Emma was fighting for her life almost made her panic again. Closing her fist tightly around the bracelet, she descended the stairs and grabbed her coat and boots.
"Hey, what about the tea?" Zelena asked, stepping out the kitchen door.
"I never said I wanted any," Regina countered, reaching for her car keys and house keys.
Zelena quickly came the few more steps over to her sister and put her hands on her shoulders while looking her firmly in the eyes. "Drive carefully, please."
Regina nodded and allowed the hug Zelena pulled her into afterwards, but did not return it. "See you then." She had no idea when 'then' would be, so she lowered her eyes and left the house.
The cold night air stung like needles on her skin and as she got into the car, her teeth chattered with cold and fatigue. The car also failed to warm up the interior during the few-minute drive, so she was still freezing when she finally entered the emergency room.
Since emergencies were rare in a small town in general, and especially at nighttime, Regina knew immediately in which of the rooms Emma was being treated. Her legs automatically carried her toward the commotion.
"Ms. Mills, you can't go in there," the nurse's voice rang out from the admissions desk, and she immediately rushed to her side and took her by the arm.
It wasn't an aggressive gesture meant to stop her or even pull her back, but a support that could give her emotional assistance. Nevertheless, Regina looked with glaring eyes at the hand that had wrapped itself around her forearm. Apparently, the hospital staff seemed quite unimpressed with her reputation, which she noticed at that moment, not for the first time. "Nurse..."
"Juliet," she completed, even before Regina had deciphered her name tag.
"Yeah, if you like. Nurse Juliet. If you don't tell me right now how Emma is doing, I can't guarantee that door over there won't catch fire in the next few seconds."
Undeterred by the threat, the nurse nodded and brushed a strand of hair that had come loose from her topknot behind her ear. "Let's sit down for a minute," she suggested, subtly nudging Regina toward the nearest waiting chairs. "I understand your anxiety and that you feel you need to do something. But the best thing you can do right now is let the doctors and nurses do their job. Emma is in the best hands here, and you'll be allowed to see her as soon as she's stable."
Regina stared at her and slowly shook her head, not registering it herself. She couldn't count the number of times they'd tried to reassure her this way in the last few weeks, and she hated it. "That's not good enough for me. I want to be with her in case she..." She didn't manage to finish the sentence and closed her eyes in resignation.
"I'll make you an offer: I'll go in, let Emma know you're there, and ask how things are going. Agreed?"
Hesitantly, Regina looked at her. The reassuring expression on Juliet's face almost made her sob, but she pulled herself together. It was nobody's business how upset she was inside. "Fine. But if she gets worse, then..."
"...you may see her, of course," Juliet finished her sentence, nodding, and rose. "Is there anything in particular you want me to tell her?"
Regina looked thoughtfully at the closed door and finally shook her head slowly. "Just that I'm here and she shouldn't be afraid," she whispered.
Nodding, the nurse withdrew and entered the exam room.
Regina had hoped to catch a glimpse of Emma, but unfortunately the door closed again too quickly. While she waited, she didn't take her eyes off it for a moment, even though her adrenaline level seemed to be slowly dropping and fatigue was returning with full force. By now it was close to three in the morning.
After a short while Juliet came back and took her seat again next to Regina, who immediately shot up bolt upright and looked at her expectantly. "She's stable so far, they'll be taking her to the ward in a minute," the nurse informed her.
Regina breathed a sigh of relief and just barely managed to hold back her tears of relief.
"She said you should go home and sleep."
Regina then raised her eyes in disbelief. "She can forget about that." Of course, the nurse's words had been a reassurance, but she needed to see for herself how Emma was doing before she left here.
Juliet sighed. "She expected that answer."
"Of course she did, we just know each other," Regina returned a little more harshly than intended.
"You can stay for all I care, no problem. But your girlfriend is right. Sleep is important, even for you."
Regina merely nodded and gave her a brief, grateful look as she rose and returned behind the reception desk. The abrupt silence seemed to literally ring in her ears, and when the door suddenly clicked a few minutes later and Emma was pushed out on the gurney, Regina visibly flinched before she too was on her feet and rushing to her side. "Hey."
Emma forced an exhausted smile and looked her in the eye. "Hey. What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." Her voice was so raspy and low that Regina had to lean over her to understand; the oxygen mask covering her mouth and nose further muffled it.
"I had to make sure you were okay first," Regina returned quietly, glad to meet Heart's gaze when she raised her head. It wasn't necessarily likely that she, of all people, was working the night shift.
"Let's talk for a minute while Emma is being taken to a room, shall we?" the doctor's calm voice asked.
Regina took the hint immediately. She was not to stand in the way of the nurses, and in return she was offered to hear firsthand about Emma's condition. So she nodded and let Heart take her aside. "Is she going to be okay?" she immediately blurted out, however, as soon as they were in a room where they could talk undisturbed.
Heart pointed to a group of chairs and then lowered herself onto one. "She'll be fine."
"But?" Regina realized that couldn't be all of it. They truly didn't have to go into another room specifically for this. "Is it her kidneys? Are they failing completely this time?"
"It's not her kidneys. But she's very sick, Regina. You can never tell exactly how long her body will hold this condition. We've substituted platelet concentrates and various other clotting factors for now to get the bleeding under control, but it's not just her clotting. She will also need erythrocytes again, her levels are at rock bottom. She also has a low-grade fever. At this point in treatment, it's not uncommon for patients to struggle with infections that their bodies can't handle. She certainly hasn't been well for a while, has she?" she wanted to know sympathetically.
Regina's head was pounding from all the technical terms and information. "She blamed it on the chemo," she finally whispered.
"Understandable," Heart nodded. "She's on antibiotics and various blood products for now. If her values improve and she tolerates everything without any problems, she should be home by Christmas. I can't promise anything, but the odds are good."
"Thank you." Actually, Regina didn't care at all whether Emma was home for Christmas or not. All she cared about was her getting better. She would spend Christmas Eve wherever her girlfriend was, whether in the hospital or the living room at home. "Can I go see her now?"
"Of course. I'll be in for rounds tomorrow morning before my shift ends. So if any questions do come up, you can ask them then."
Together they left the small room again and while the doctor disappeared into one of the on-call rooms to get some more sleep, Regina had Nurse Juliet give her Emma's room number.
On her way there, she texted Zelena: 'Her state isn't critical anymore. For now.' As she exited the elevator, the beeping of her smartphone announced that her sister had already responded.
'Thank goodness. Henry's still asleep. I'll tell him in the morning. - Z.'
Relieved that Zelena was at their place and so Henry wouldn't have to find an empty house in the morning, she then entered Emma's hospital room. She had avoided knocking, not wanting to wake her, but Emma's eyes were open and fixed on the ceiling when Regina entered.
Slowly, she turned her head a little in her direction and threw her a half-hearted smile. It was very clear that both was incredibly straining for her.
"Heart says you'll be better soon," Regina whispered, gently stroking her shoulder before her gaze slid from the nasogastric tube that had been inserted into Emma's nose to the monitor that was incessantly recording her racing heartbeat and indicating a worryingly low blood pressure.
"Then it must be true," Emma countered sarcastically, closing her eyes.
Regina could barely detect any movement of her chest, but as each of her breaths fogged up the inside of the oxygen mask, she could clearly see that they were abnormally rapid as well. She took a deep breath and took Emma's hand between hers. Gently, she put her bracelet on her wrist.
"Thank you," Emma said softly without opening her eyes. "Go home, Regina. Do me this favor."
"It's okay. I don't mind."
"But I do!" Emma raised her voice, but her pained expression made it clear that it had not been a good idea. She looked at Regina and shook her head slightly. "I just asked you to go home to your bed. Is that so hard?" she nevertheless wanted to know further regardless of her pain and the effort it took to speak.
"It's not," Regina whispered, rising unsteadily from the edge of the bed. Her nervous fingers smoothed her already smooth skirt once more.
"Hey." Emma reached for one of her hands and squeezed it gently. "I'll be glad when you come back tomorrow. I mean that in the nicest possible way. I just want you to be comfortable."
"I know." Regina lowered her eyes and swallowed hard before leaning over to Emma and pressing a kiss to her heated forehead. "I love you." Her last word was already swallowed by a sob, so she quickly turned around and hurried out of the room. Emma shouldn't see how upset she was. She had to focus her remaining strength on recovering instead of dealing with her and her disturbed psyche. It wasn't until she arrived at her car and slammed the driver's door shut that she fully burst into tears. Three hours ago, she had thought she was losing Emma, and she couldn't remember ever feeling anything like it in her life. Each of her heartbeats had felt like it was her last.
