Chapter 44
"Mom!" Henry cried out as soon as Regina opened the front door.
"Why aren't you in bed, Henry?" Regina asked, even though she knew the question was foolish.
"He woke up shortly after your message." Zelena stepped out of the kitchen, her hands clasped around a cup of tea. She looked completely sleepy and dead tired, but even if Henry hadn't woken up, she would have been waiting for news from her sister. She hadn't expected her here at all, though. "Did they kick you out?"
"Emma," Regina explained, taking a deep breath before turning back to her son, who clearly deserved an explanation. "I was hoping you'd just sleep through. I'm sorry you didn't know what was going on."
"Zelena told me that Emma collapsed. How is she?" the teenager wanted to know seriously, looking urgently at his mother.
"Better by now. Her blood counts, especially the coagulation, were not good at all and on top of that she has an infection, hence her poor general condition in the last few days. And tonight she started bleeding a lot." She did not know what Zelena had already told him, but she did not necessarily want to go into more detail. It was enough that she wouldn't be able to get rid of the images in her head for a long time. "They're giving her different blood components and medications and then she should be better soon."
Henry nodded slowly, but his expression made it clear that while that had answered a few of his questions, he now had new ones in return.
"We should try to get some more sleep," Regina said, gently taking him into her arms before stroking his hair.
For once, he allowed it and pressed his face against Regina's shoulder as he stared ahead.
"I'll go back to Robin then," Zelena said quietly, who felt disturbing at that moment.
"Okay," Regina nodded, looking her in the eye. "Thank you... for everything."
The redhead nodded and then climbed the stairs. A moment later, the soft clicking of the room's door could be heard.
"Mom?" Henry asked softly.
She looked expectantly at her son.
"Do you really think she's going to get better soon? I mean... She's been bad for so long now, and her blood counts were still fine then. They check them every chemo day, don't they?" he wanted to know.
"I..." Regina didn't know what to say in response and first just took a deep breath before pulling Henry next to her onto the second to last step so they were no longer standing around in the foyer. "You're right, of course, Henry. But Dr. Heart is very optimistic that her condition will improve."
"But... improving doesn't mean she's doing well, does it? The last two chemos took a lot out of her," he said slowly and quietly. "I'm scared for her."
"I know. And I don't think she'll ever be well while she's still in treatment. But we have to make the best of it, right?"
Henry nodded and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek before getting up again. "Then let's go to bed now. Surely we can see her tomorrow."
"Yes, of course," Regina agreed and let her son help her to her feet, who was offering her a hand. "Good night, sweetheart."
Henry just nodded and disappeared into his room.
Regina, on the other hand, went into the bathroom to change and wash the smell of hospital off her hands. As soon as she entered the room, however, she stopped as if rooted to the spot. Zelena had apparently cleaned the bathroom in the meantime, because there was nothing to indicate that the tiles had been covered in Emma's blood just a short time before. Still, her heartbeat quickened and she did her best to breathe slowly and evenly as the scene from a few hours ago flooded in on her fully. "She's fine," she whispered to herself over and over again as if in a mantra, and so after a few minutes she was actually in her pajamas and then under her covers. The tiredness, however, had completely disappeared and had given way to an alertness that did not even allow her to close her eyes. Lost in gloomy thoughts, she stared alternately at the ceiling and at the now cold side of the bed on which Emma was supposed to be lying. A small, desperate sound escaped her and her hand automatically found her mouth to stifle any further sound that might escape as she cried. She didn't want to upset Henry or Zelena, she just wanted her peace. The one person she would have loved to be held by was lying in a hospital bed, fighting for her life.
She longed to fall asleep, but instead she lay awake for more hours. She didn't dare take another sleeping pill, as the early morning hours had long since dawned, so she climbed out of her bed, completely exhausted, as soon as the alarm clock showed a time that somewhat justified getting up.
She didn't need to glance at her cell phone to see if there were any messages from the hospital; she'd done that a zillion times during the night. Instead, she groped wearily down the stairs and turned on the coffee machine. Regina almost smashed the coffeepot when her sister's voice suddenly sounded behind her.
"Up again?" Zelena asked, tilting her head.
"Do you have to scare me like that?" Regina retorted, waiting for the adrenaline rush to wear off. "More like still awake. What about you?"
Zelena shrugged and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Sort of. You look horrible."
"Thanks, likewise," she nodded, grabbing a second cup from the cupboard. "Want some tea?"
"Sure." Zelena took a seat at the table and watched her sister fix her a drink as well. "Did you tell Henry the truth?"
Raising her right eyebrow, Regina turned to her. "What kind of question is that? Of course I did."
"I'm sorry, but... If everything's not so bad and she'll be better soon, why are you so upset and not sleeping?"
"Zelena, she doesn't have a simple cold. Just because she's going to recover from last night doesn't mean she's healthy," she indignantly said, downright slamming the cups on the wood of the table before sitting down.
"Thanks for the information, but I'm not that naive," Zelena sneered back, slumping backwards against her backrest. "It's just... she's been unwell for a while now. So what's wrong with you?"
Regina looked away from her and fixed her coffee cup. "I've never been a very good sleeper," she said quietly. A snort of laughter escaped her and she rolled her eyes. "Ironic, I know. The Evil Queen has trouble sleeping. Not because she regrets her horrible deeds, no. It's because her mother drilled into her that she's worth less than dirt."
Now it was Zelena's turn to laugh. "That's more my line, isn't it?"
"In a way, yes." Regina looked up. "But I've never been enough. Didn't make anything of my life, at least that was her view. And now that she's dead, she still manages to poison my thoughts. When I lie awake at night and my mind whispers to me that Emma is going to die, that's her voice I hear. The only problem is that sleep wouldn't bring any relief because... then she just follows me into my dreams."
"Wow. You're more messed up than I thought," Zelena noted, blowing into her hot tea.
"I shouldn't have said anything," Regina muttered, looking away from her.
"No, hey, I didn't mean it that way," the redhead backpedaled in response. "I just mean... you were her favorite daughter. And don't even deny it, because that's the way it is! I'm just saying that you actually were the lucky one out of the two of us, but still, she managed to bring you into line. Are you really going to let that happen? For her to win?"
"No, I don't!" Regina returned louder than she intended. "I can't just turn it off, though. Otherwise, I wouldn't be swallowing fucking psycho pills and running to a self-proclaimed amateur psychiatrist!"
"Calm down, sis."
"I'll calm down when it suits me!" She got up and started pacing back and forth in the kitchen, arms crossed tightly in front of her body. For a while there was absolute silence except for her hurried steps. Finally, she stopped abruptly and looked at Zelena with tears in her eyes. "She was lying on the floor when I came to her," she said in a choking voice, "Her skin was ice-cold. I think she thought she was dying."
"I believe you that was bad, finding her like that. But what makes you think she thought that? She's Emma! She's brave and fighting and..."
"She wanted me to tell Henry she loved him," she interrupted her. "I just can't get that out of my head, Zelena. The way she was lying there, her face covered in blood, wanting me to tell him that." She bit her lip until she tasted blood and shook her head before taking her seat again. "At the hospital I spent the whole time waiting for someone to come out and tell me there was nothing more they could do for her. I sat in the waiting area and pictured the scene in my head and how I would probably react to the news. I was trying to prepare myself for the inevitable."
Zelena looked at her seriously, but remained silent.
"I wish we hadn't wasted so much time," she continued in a whisper, staring at the dark window, shaking her head. "Five years. Five years of fighting and acting like pubescent children."
"I really don't want to interrupt your black monologue, but now you're the one talking about her death," Zelena stated. "She'll get better, you'll see. Now eat something and get changed so you can go to the hospital and see for yourself."
"Sometimes I really hate you," Regina replied with a sigh.
Zelena grinned, stood up and took her in her arms. "I know. But that's what I'm here for. If you need anything, you can call me."
Regina nodded and buried her face in her curly mane for a moment. "Thanks."
"Not for this. I have to get back upstairs now, Robin will be awake soon if she isn't by now."
"Yes, of course. I don't want to detain you," Regina nodded and looked after her sister as she left the kitchen. She then fixed herself a sandwich with cheese and salad in the unlikely circumstance that she did feel hungry later, and cleaned all the countertops before washing and changing in the bathroom and doing a makeshift bit of makeup.
"You're early," Emma noted when Regina knocked on the door of her hospital room a little later and invited her in. Her voice was a bit stronger again, although the rough scratching was still there due to the wounds in her throat and the nasogastric tube.
"I haven't really been able to sleep well," Regina replied honestly, setting down her purse and hanging up her coat before stepping up to Emma's bedside and gently gathering her in her arms. She looked so fragile under her hands, and there were tubes and wires hanging everywhere.
Emma eyed her girlfriend silently for a while after she took a seat on the edge of her bed before her gaze went to the two bags of blood on the IV stand, one of which was already half empty. "I'm sorry I sent you away. But you wouldn't have slept any better here. Every time I moved, something beeped, and the nurses kept checking on me."
"Were you able to get some more sleep?"
"I can actually sleep pretty much all the time," she nodded slowly and fell silent again for a long time. "Regina, I'm... I'm sorry for what I put you through last night."
Regina shook her head and took her hand. "It wasn't your fault."
"And yet you had to witness it." She lowered her eyes to Regina's hand, which held hers.
Regina knew nothing to say in response; for her, taking care of Emma was a matter of course. "If only I knew how to talk you out of these guilty feelings," she whispered after a while.
"You can't," Emma countered, straining to reach for the water cup on her nightstand that had a straw in it. Carefully, she took a few laborious sips in her semi-recumbent position before setting it down again.
"Heart said last night that you'd be able to go home soon if everything went well."
Emma snorted lightly and turned a little more on her side to relieve her aching back. "Have you taken a look at me?" she asked, sighing. "I don't know if I even want to go home," she then added monotonously.
"What are you talking about? Tomorrow is Christmas Eve."
"Indeed. That's exactly the worst part," she said seriously. "I know how this is going to go. You'll be running back and forth like a crazy person all day, cooking the food, serving the guests, and then taking care of me, too. My parents are going to be there looking at me with these horrible looks, which I honestly can't even blame them for. I don't want that, can't you understand?"
"We can keep to ourselves if you'd rather," Regina suggested.
"And that's exactly what we can't do," Emma sighed. "I can't uninvite my parents and forbid them to spend what may be my last Christmas with me."
Regina opened her mouth to say something, but Emma silenced her with a squeeze of her hand.
"I know what Heart said. But I just don't feel like I'm getting better. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'm in pain, Regina. Even breathing is exhausting," she whispered, looking into her eyes. "There's a tube in my nose that I'm being fed through. I'm sorry if I can't believe anything is getting better right now."
Regina bit her lip and then gently stroked Emma's cheek. "I understand. I really do." As much as it hurt to hear her words, she didn't even want to imagine what it must be like to have everyone around you talking about how everything was going to get better, while you yourself felt more like you were going to shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment.
Emma took a deep breath and nestled her head against Regina's palm. "How's Henry?"
"He worries, of course," Regina replied slowly. "He's dying to see you after school."
"I'm afraid he'll change. Because of me," she whispered, gritting her teeth tightly.
"At least he knows he can always trust us to tell him the truth," Regina countered softly. "I think if we tried to go easy on him, he'd be a lot more desperate. There's nothing worse than uncertainty." She'd had to experience that last part firsthand just the previous night, waiting in the emergency room.
Emma sighed and shook her head slightly, as if trying to put the subject to rest for now, though of course it was omnipresent in her thoughts. "Would it be okay with you if I invited Loraine? She doesn't have any family and I don't want her to spend Christmas completely alone. Maybe then the evening wouldn't be quite so unbearable. If Mom and Dad meet someone new, maybe they won't be exclusively focused on me."
"That's a very good idea, I think," Regina immediately agreed, who of course didn't mind. She liked the older woman and was glad that Emma had found in her a friend who made the chemos a little more bearable.
Emma nodded. "I'll call her later, then," she decided, turning slightly again to shift her position. "How are you, Regina?" She knew what she was putting her through on a daily basis. That alone would have been enough, but since her girlfriend hadn't been on the pills for long, she wondered how her body was coping with all this.
"That's my line," she smirked wryly, looking at the transfusion bags. "I don't know, to be honest. It's a lot. Having Zelena there helps."
"I could kiss her for that," Emma nodded. She was incredibly glad that Zelena was supporting her sister so naturally.
"Now, let's not exaggerate," Regina stated wryly, whose head shot up as a knock sounded on the door and it opened immediately.
Dr. Heart stepped into the room and closed the door behind herself. "Good morning!" she greeted, "nice to find you both here."
"Good morning," Regina replied, while Emma smiled only briefly, as the doctor had already visited her earlier to attach the blood units.
"How are you feeling, Emma? Everything all right so far?" she inquired after a searching look at the monitor before putting on gloves and attaching the second blood bag.
Emma helped her by holding aside the neckline of her nightgown so she could reach her catheter. "I'm going to assume you're referring to transfusion reactions. As far as that goes, I don't notice anything."
"Good," she nodded, tossed the gloves in the trash can, sanitized her hands, and then took a seat at Emma's bedside. "So, here's the deal: Your blood counts have already stabilized significantly. You've had no more signs of bleeding. Your fever has also gone down since we started you on the antibiotics. Normally, I'd still like to keep you here for a few more days for observation, but with the holidays coming up, I'm going to discharge you tomorrow if things continue like this. However, I must insist that you return to the clinic immediately if your temperature rises or you start bleeding."
Emma nodded and tried a smile, which failed.
"The enthusiasm was usually greater, if I may say so," the doctor noted, looking questioningly back and forth between Emma and Regina. "Is this about your general condition, Emma?"
Emma sighed and finally nodded slowly. "I can barely stand up with help, let alone without it. I'm just a burden now, and I don't know how to do this to anyone."
Regina stiffened, but she didn't want to disrupt the conversation, so she merely knotted her hands in her lap and gave the oncologist an expectant look.
"I understand your concerns. But you will get a little stronger with each passing day. The chemo cycle is over for now, and when your blood counts have fully recovered, you'll feel better again." Seeing Emma's unconvinced expression, she continued. "I know that this sounds too good to be true, but you are not my first patient. I've had experience with this. You see, your low hemoglobin level alone is enough to make you feel completely exhausted, your muscles ache and that you can't breathe at the slightest exertion. That will get better as soon as we've provided you with blood."
"Then I won't need an oxygen machine at home?", Emma wanted to know in a hopeful voice. Since she couldn't even lie in bed without supplemental oxygen at the moment, she had already come to terms with the idea that she probably wouldn't be spared that either.
"Not for now, anyway," Heart nodded. "As for the feeding tube... I know it's uncomfortable, but I hate to take a chance and remove it already. We should give your mucous membranes some time to recover."
Emma nodded again; she hadn't expected to get rid of the tube so soon, so her disappointment was contained. "Are we talking about days or weeks?" she still wanted to know.
"Days, a week maybe," the doctor replied.
"Okay, thank you," Emma whispered.
"If you'd like, later a nurse will show you both how to handle the tube at home."
Regina looked at Emma as if to get her permission. She knew how sensitive she was when she had to perform nursing tasks on her.
"That would be nice," Emma responded. "Thank you."
"Great, then I'll see you tomorrow morning when I bring you your discharge papers," Heart said, standing up. "Have a great day to you both!"
"Thank you, have a nice day," Emma replied, vaguely remembering that Heart had been on the night shift and had admitted her in her desolate condition.
The doctor gave her a smile. "Goodbye, Regina."
"Yes, goodbye." As soon as the door was closed again, Regina turned to Emma. "We're going to be all right, I promise."
Emma nodded slightly absently and then reached out to snuggle up to her girlfriend. No matter what Heart said or how much experience she had, she felt like crap and no words or assurances in the world could change that. "You think they teach that in medical school when you become a doctor?" she muttered after a while.
Regina, who had been stroking her back, paused. "What do you mean?"
"That unwavering optimism. It makes you sick, doesn't it? She might as well be advertising some junk and everyone would buy it," Emma grumbled. "I mean, honestly? She just glossed over that sucky feeding tube and made me thank her that way. Is that some kind of spell?"
A short laugh escaped Regina as she continued to stroke her. "I don't mean to scare you, but she certainly didn't get it from a university. I provided her with the knowledge of a doctor when I cast the curse. Be thankful Whale isn't your doctor, he probably would have groped you by now and convinced you he was just checking your pulse."
At these words even Emma had to laugh a little, even if she felt more like crying at the moment. "I'm glad you're here," she said softly, as she raised her head a little to look into Regina's eyes.
"I am, too," she replied, memorizing Emma's happy expression as precisely as possible.
