Chapter 45

Emma's hands were knotted tensely in her lap as she sat on the sofa staring at the Christmas tree that Henry had gotten with David the day before and decorated that morning together with Zelena and Robin. The golden angels with their little trumpets swung cheerfully back and forth between the red baubles and, together with the Christmas music, bathed the living room in a festive atmosphere. Still, Emma could not relax. The fact that Loraine had agreed to spend the evening with them was only a small consolation.

Regina had really made every imaginable effort to help her into a pair of jeans and put on a fancy red top that didn't hang off her shoulders like a sack. She had even applied mascara and some eyeliner modestly at her request, but she knew that none of that could distract from her sickly appearance and the nasogastric tube she had tucked behind her ear, but which nevertheless disfigured her emaciated face even more. Despite her best efforts, she looked like someone who had just been prematurely discharged from the hospital.

"Ma? How late are Grandma and Grandpa coming?" Henry wanted to know as he came down the stairs and joined her in the living room.

"Any minute," she replied softly, looking up at her son. "I like that sweater on you," she said in response, forcing a smile.

Henry smirked and settled down next to her in the green and blue striped sweatshirt. "Are you not feeling well?"

"Why do you ask?" she replied with a counter-question, because of course she wasn't feeling very well, but she didn't want to tell him that.

"You look unhappy. Would you rather lie down?"

Emma smiled wryly and stroked his cheek. "Lying down sounds great. But, no. Not today. I'm not unhappy either, not exactly anyway. It's just... you know how your grandparents can be. Mom will look at me so shocked and want to give me good advice, and Dad always gets this teary-eyed look on his face when he sees me. It's all not that great, you know?"

Henry nodded his understanding and put his arm around her shoulders. "At least it proves they care about you."

"I could really do without that."

"I know," he countered. "But before I took you home, I'm sure you didn't have such a nice tree for Christmas, did you? Did you spend the whole evening alone?"

Emma's gaze went blank as she thought back to before Storybrooke. "I usually worked on Christmas Eve and went straight to bed when I got to my unheated apartment late at night." She turned her gaze to her son and smiled; this time it reached her eyes. "Thank you, Henry."

"I didn't do anything," he stated shrugging before he pressed a kiss to her cheek and stood up. "I'm going to go check on Mom and see if she needs help in the kitchen."

Nodding, Emma looked after him and snuggled more into the blanket that lay on her legs. Regina had picked her up right after morning rounds, so she'd still had half the day to rest. Even the tube feed nutrition had been given to her by her girlfriend without her help while she had dozed away. Still, she already felt as drained again as if she had been up since early in the morning and had not been in her bed.

When the doorbell rang, she looked up and fumbled uneasily with the feeding tube, as if she could make it disappear that way, and put the blanket aside to at least look a little less miserable.

"I'll get it!" Henry's voice rang out. "Grandma, Grandpa, hi! Hi, Neal!"

Emma listened for the brief exchange of words at the door, but couldn't make out anything else.

"In the living room. You can sit with her, I'll be in the kitchen with Mom. Do you want something to drink?" were the first words Emma could clearly hear.

"Not at the moment," David declined gratefully.

"And I really shouldn't give Regina a hand in the kitchen?", Snow wanted to know, and her tone made it clear that she wasn't asking the question for the first time.

"No, you shouldn't," Regina's warm, deep voice rang out. "Your daughter can use some company and I have active support from Henry, don't worry."

Snow sighed audibly. "Just as you like. But you can let me know if you do change your mind."

"I will."

"Hello, Emma," David finally said softly, who had entered the room.

Sitting with her back to the door, Emma took another deep breath and braced herself to greet her parents. "Hi, Dad," she finally replied, hating that her voice was still so hoarse. "Hey, Mom," she then added when she heard the second pair of shoes and recognized her mother by her step.

"Hi, sweetie," Snow said, finally stepping into Emma's field of vision with her husband.

Before she could even make eye contact, Emma lowered her gaze and hunched her shoulders, literally disappearing into the couch. She didn't dare look at either of them; she felt like a disappointment.

Snow took a seat to Emma's left and gently put an arm around her shoulders. "Merry Christmas, my sweetheart," she whispered, clasping Emma's fingers with her free hand.

At last Emma looked up at her and met her tear-blurred gaze. "I wish you the same," she nodded, then leaned her head against Snow's shoulder as David stroked her back.

"Regina called us yesterday and told us what happened," David told her quietly.

Emma nodded slightly and squeezed her mother's hand. "Yeah, I gave her quite a scare. But I'm all better now." It wasn't a lie; she wasn't fine, but she was better.

After looking around the house extensively, Neal also came toddling in, clumsily wrapping his short arms around Emma's legs. "Emma!" he squealed gleefully, looking up at his sister, beaming.

"Hello, little man," Emma smiled, running her hand through his hair.

Giggling, he held out his little arms to her. "Neal wants to go up!"

"Can you hand him to me? I can't lift him," Emma begged her father, allowing Neal to sit on her lap who immediately clung to her neck. "Hey, don't strangle me," she laughed, giving him a kiss on the tip of his nose.

"Like Emma," said the boy as he snuggled against Emma's chest.

Touched, Emma stroked his back and nodded. "I love you too, little brother." His weight on her legs made her ache and his head was right where the stitching of her catheter for chemo was, but she said nothing, enjoying every moment despite everything.

It was Snow who finally intervened and got Neal onto her own lap when he started bouncing, wanting to ride Emma's legs. "You can ride on my lap, okay?" she said gently.

Emma struggled to push back the pained expression on her face and take a deep breath.

"No. Emma!" Neal demanded disappointedly, reaching back toward his big sister.

"It's okay," Emma said, catching Snow's unhappy look. "Will you give us a few minutes?"

Uncertain, Snow looked to David, who nodded and held out his hand to her. Together they left the living room, after Snow had put her son in the seat from which she had risen.

"We always had a lot of fun together, didn't we?" Emma began, looking at Neal with a gentle smile.

The little boy nodded and rocked back and forth in his seat.

"You know, it's not so easy for me right now. I would incredibly love to play with you, but unfortunately, I'm not feeling so well. I'm sick, Neal," she said slowly, not knowing if he could yet grasp what she was telling him.

"Emma cold?" he wanted to know.

Emma smiled sadly. "No, not a cold. I..." She hesitated, wondering if, and if so, what her parents had told the little guy. "My blood is sick."

"Med'cin?" he asked, looking at her from wide, round eyes.

"Yes, I'm taking medicine for it. But I don't have that much strength right now, so I can't lift you, and when you bounce on me, it hurts me, you know?"

Startled, he looked at her before lowering his eyes and mumbling, "Sorry."

"No, it's okay. You couldn't have known." Affectionately, she stroked his hair and gently placed her hand under his chin, making him look at her again. "I want you to have fun, it is Christmas after all! It's just not possible with me right now, okay?"

"Okay," he nodded and hugged her, this time actually being careful not to be too fierce and squeeze her too tightly. "What's that?" he then wanted to know as he let go of her again, pointing to the feeding tube.

"I can eat something through that. It's... like a straw you know?" she tried to explain without him getting scared.

Astonished, he drew his little eyebrows together thoughtfully. "Neal blows bubbles, Mommy scolds," he explained seriously, pointing to his nose.

Emma had to laugh. "Yeah, she's right about that. You mustn't stick the straw up your nose and foam up your milk that way."

"Emma's allowed to do that?"

"No, I'm not allowed to do that either," she smirked, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "It's very unpleasant, too. If I had a choice, I wouldn't stick anything up my nose voluntarily."

Neal tilted his head and put on an expression as if he needed to think about it for a while first.

"Are you going to go find Mommy and Daddy?", Emma encouraged him to get her parents back.

Nodding, he ran off and Emma watched him go until he disappeared from her sight.

"That was fast," Emma noted when she felt her mother's warm hand on her shoulder just a moment later. When she looked up, however, she realized it wasn't her mother at all, but Regina. "Oh, it's you." Signaling that she should sit down, Emma briefly brushed her hand over the seat beside her.

"Who were you expecting?", Regina wanted to know and complied with her wordless request.

"My mother."

"I was wondering why your parents left you here alone anyway," Regina admitted.

"They were here until earlier," Emma sighed, leaning forward and burying her face in her hands, shaking her head.

"That bad?" Regina asked.

Emma looked up at her and shook her head. "No, not really. I was just trying to explain to my two-year-old brother that I have cancer and I didn't stick the tube up my nose by choice."

Regina had to laugh for a moment and put her arm around her. "I'm convinced you handled that brilliantly."

"I hope so," Emma whispered, staring ahead of her.

"Do you need a little rest? Everyone would understand if you withdrew for a while..."

"No," Emma interrupted her immediately. "I'll be all right. Sooner or later the moment will come when I have to lie down anyway, but I want to put it off as long as possible."

"All right. I think Zelena will be back from her walk with Robin soon. Then after the little one has slept in, I'm sure she can play with Neal for a bit while David picks up Loraine. What time did you say you've agreed with her?"

"Half past four," Emma replied, glancing at the clock as well. "Still plenty of time, then."

Regina nodded and gave her a careful kiss on the lips.

Emma sensed she was being extra gentle so as not to hurt her and returned it. "There are kids and parents and stuff everywhere," she reminded her with a grin, stroking back a strand of hair that had come loose from the ponytail she wore to cook.

"I don't care," Regina replied, putting her arms around Emma so she could lean against her. Gently, she ran her fingers over Emma's collarbone and then further down her arm.

Pleasurably, Emma stretched out a bit and was sighing contentedly. "Life could be so beautiful."

Regina's expression darkened a little as she stroked her bald head and then pressed a kiss to it. "It will be beautiful again."

"Yes," Emma replied tersely. She had gotten out of the habit of arguing against it. If Regina was comfortable with the idea that everything was going to be okay, even if possibly the opposite was true, that was good enough for her.

"I have to go check on dinner," Regina's voice sounded after a while.

"Isn't Henry over there?"

"No, he went upstairs to his room with your parents and Neal. Wanted to show them something, I guess." Gently, she leaned Emma back against the sofa cushions and stood up. Before she could move away, however, Emma held her hand tightly.

"Will you take me with you?" she asked, looking up at her. "If I'm going to sit around pointlessly, I'd rather at least be with you."

For a brief moment, hesitation flitted across Regina's face before she finally nodded. "If that's what you want." She was a little uncomfortable with the thought of moving Emma more than was absolutely necessary. When she had picked her up from the hospital that morning, she had been anything but fit and had been in quite a bit of pain.

"I can do it if you help me," Emma whispered, not missing Regina's uncertain expression.

"I know," the brunette nodded, sliding her arms under Emma's armpits so she could rest her hands on her shoulder blades.

Wrapping her arms around Regina's neck, Emma braced herself, briefly resting her forehead on her girlfriend's shoulder as she finally stood to breathe away the pain.

"I'm sure David would help you and-"

"No," Emma immediately shook her head as she slowly turned toward the door, one hand clutching Regina, the other on her aching hip. "I can manage."

Regina now replied nothing and silently helped her into the kitchen, trying to ignore her suppressed sounds of pain. Carefully, she set her down on one of the chairs.

"Thank you," Emma whispered, wrapping her arms around her body as a shiver ran over her, even though it was boiling hot in the room due to the oven and stove being switched on.

Regina then disappeared again and returned a little later with the blanket they had left on the sofa and placed it around her shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she said almost tonelessly as Regina tucked the blanket around her.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Regina replied, shaking her head and stroking her cheek. "Do you want something to drink?"

"I can't have anything but water," she said with a sigh. "But yes, I should drink something."

Regina nodded and placed a cup of still mineral water next to her on the table. To make it easier for her to drink with the tube, she had stuck a straw in it.

Smirking, Emma glanced at it. "If Neal sees this, he'll want one, too, after that talk earlier." Carefully, she took two sips and then leaned back. Her gaze followed Regina as she busily stirred in her pots, seasoning sauces and vegetables here and there. In a way, it grounded her to watch her girlfriend cook. It was something she had done and loved before her diagnosis, only this time she wouldn't be able to taste it in the run-up or eat it later. She had really picked the worst possible time, Christmas, to be given a feeding tube. But she would also never take the risk and try it, possibly tearing open the barely healed wounds in her esophagus, only to end up spitting blood in the emergency room again on Christmas Eve.

"What are you thinking about?" Regina wanted to know, who had noticed Emma's thoughtful look.

"About how I like watching you cook. And that I won't be able to eat any of it. But that's okay," she added quickly, before Regina could feel guilty. "Really. It's much more important to me that I get to be here. This could have turned out differently."

Regina nodded and stuck her head out the kitchen door when she heard the front door open. "Hey, knock off the snow before you spread it everywhere!" she called out, no sooner than catching sight of her sister with her daughter.

"Yeah, yeah," Zelena's annoyed voice rang out, making Emma smile.

"I guess it wasn't much of sleeping by the sound of it," she then commented.

"Not really. Robin is a living snowball, and if Zelena doesn't catch her right away, we'll have puddles all over the foyer." With that, she stomped out of the kitchen and over to them. "I meant it!"

"I get it," Zelena replied. "I don't remember you ever not meaning it. Now, why don't you let us arrive first!"

"Do you want an accident here tonight because someone slips in the slush?" she asked in a hissing voice.

Emma smirked to herself as she followed the conversation. She would have liked to interject that it might lighten up the evening, but at the moment she doubted Regina would be able to laugh about it, and besides, she knew her voice would be too low and weak for them to hear.

"She's sweeping my daughter with a hand brush, can you believe it?" Zelena asked a short time later as she bustled into the kitchen and dropped into a chair across from Emma.

"Be glad she's not drying her with magic. With her current mood, I'd be afraid Robin would catch fire if she did," she teased her sister-in-law.

Zelena rolled her eyes. "Very funny, Emma." Her gaze slid over her for a moment and her anger seemed to fade.

Now it was Emma's turn to roll her eyes. "I know I look like death warmed up. That doesn't mean you all have to be considerate about it. You're still allowed to be mad and yell."

"If I want to be mad and yell, you'll catch it, don't worry," Zelena grinned.

"Sure," Emma grinned back, then quickly turned her face away from her so she wouldn't see her contort it in pain.

Zelena wasn't an idiot, though, and instantly stood beside her. As gently as one wouldn't have expected her to, she put a hand on Emma's shoulder. "Do you want me to bring you any of your medications?" she wanted to know quietly, so as not to immediately set Regina off, while her tone had changed from amused to serious.

Shaking her head, Emma put her hand on her hip and propped her head up. "I'm fine."

"I know that phrase, it usually doesn't bode well," Regina stated, who had just entered the room with Robin on her hip and set the little girl down on the floor, no sooner than seeing her sister bending over Emma.

"I'm really fine, though!" Emma affirmed, looking back and forth between the two sisters in annoyance. "I'm not going to suddenly pass out or anything, you guys can calm down."

Regina took a deep breath and looked at her with a furrowed brow. "Okay, just... you should really lie down for a while. The evening will be long enough. If you want, I'll wake you up as soon as David gets back with Loraine."

Emma visibly struggled with herself, gritting her teeth tightly. Finally, she made a decision. "All right, then. I'm going to go lie down. But you're definitely waking me up when Loraine gets here!" she asked firmly before she clung to the edge of the table, trying to decide what was the easiest way to get to her feet.

It was Zelena who provided her with the solution to the problem, unceremoniously linking arms with her and helping her up. "I'm capable of getting her to bed. There's quite a bit of steam coming out of one of your pots back there. You better take care of it," she then said, turning to Regina as she tried to take her place at Emma's side.

"But..." she began and was interrupted by Emma.

"It's all right. She's right." She gave her an encouraging smile and then concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other.

"Is she always like a mother hen?" Zelena wanted to know when they reached the stairs.

Emma put her head back in her neck unhappily and looked at the long way up she had to go in a few moments. "Yes, she is," she murmured after a while, putting her hand on the banister. "Let's go then." She tried to breathe slowly and evenly as she climbed up to the second floor with Zelena's help. After a few long pauses on the stairs, they had finally made it, which Emma was jubilant about.

"Do you want to go to the bathroom first?", Zelena inquired of her.

"Straight to bed," Emma answered curtly. She felt cold sweat break out and wanted to avoid blacking out as well, which would inevitably happen if she didn't get to lie down immediately.

Without asking any more questions, Zelena literally dragged her the last few meters and then laid her comfortably on her bed, where she covered her with a thick wool blanket, as she was still shivering pathetically from the cold.

"Thank you," Emma whispered honestly and closed her eyes. Now that the exertion was over for the time being, she felt the pain again more clearly, which she had pretty successfully blocked out for the last few minutes.

"Really no painkiller?" Zelena asked again.

Emma almost had to grin. "You're a worthy stand-in for Regina. It's okay. If I lie down for a while, it will hurt less again."

Zelena had taken a seat on the edge of the bed and eyed her silently for a while. "Where exactly do you hurt?" she then wanted to know.

Emma opened her eyes and met Zelena's gaze. Recognizing in it that her question showed genuine interest, she didn't want to owe her the answer. "Almost everywhere by now," she replied, sighing. "My muscles and joints hurt, but the pain in my bones is the worst right now, especially my pelvis, spine and shoulder blades, because my hematopoiesis is disrupted. And the chemo has messed up my nerves, so 24 hours a day it feels like someone is sticking needles in my hands and feet." She twisted her mouth into a wry smile. The constant pain often made her irritable, and the worst part was when she then snapped at Regina, who couldn't help it.

"But don't you have medication for that?", Zelena wanted to know, trying hard not to look too pityingly at Emma, knowing how much she hated that.

"The pills are barely helping anymore," she admitted quietly. "But don't tell Regina that."

"Why not? Do you really think you can fool her?"

"She worries enough as it is." Emma looked away from her and instead to Regina's nightstand, where the pill bottle containing her sleeping pills sat. "At least let her think the medication is working well, please. There's nothing she can do anyway if she knows the truth. All that would be different is that she would worry even more."

Zelena seemed to consider, but nodded. "I can't promise anything, but for now I won't tell her. Get some rest now." With that, she rose and headed for the door.

"Thank you, Zelena," Emma whispered, and then looked for as comfortable a position as possible where she might be able to relax a bit.