Chapter 46
When Emma awoke, it was already pitch dark outside. It took her a moment to notice Regina sitting by her bedside, holding her hand. "Hey," she whispered, squeezing her fingers as she forced herself to smile. "What time is it?" she then wanted to know disoriented.
"A little before five. Loraine's here now," Regina replied, letting her gaze wander briefly over Emma's body. "Do you want to put on something more comfortable?"
"You mean now that the guests are here, I can safely put on sweatpants?" Emma laughed, her face contorting as she sat up with effort and some assistance from Regina. "What happened to 'put on something nice, we'll be having guests'?"
"You're in pain, even if you deny it. I'm sure those tight jeans aren't making it any better," she explained.
Emma sighed. "There's nothing tight about those jeans anymore. Don't worry about it, everything is fine. Let's just go downstairs, please," she begged, waiting for Regina to help her to her feet. It wore her out beyond belief to have to rely on a third party for every step, and she missed the times when she could just leave the room when she was tired of a conversation. Breathing heavily, she finally arrived back on the first floor with Regina and paused for a moment until she was sure she could walk on.
"They're all in the living room," Regina explained, slowly leading her there as Emma just nodded in response.
As they entered the room, Emma smiled wryly and let her eyes wander over her family before making eye contact with Loraine, who had taken a seat on the sofa next to Snow. "Hello, glad you could come," she said sincerely to the older woman, who stood up and gave her a welcoming hug.
"Thank you for inviting me, Emma." Smiling, she looked at her with her blue eyes that matched the dark blue blouse she was wearing.
Emma returned the smile, but in the next moment leaned more on Regina, while her hand involuntarily shot up to her pelvis again.
"Sit down first, then you can talk," Regina said softly.
Snow immediately got up from the sofa to make room. "I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about. You can have my seat, Emma, then you can sit next to each other."
"Thank you," was all her daughter could manage, and she settled down before looking down at the floor. It was humiliating to see everyone staring at her.
"Do you guys want to bake cookies?", Regina immediately turned to Robin and Neal, who were obviously starting to get bored and were picking at the branches of the Christmas tree.
"Baking cookies!" Neal exclaimed enthusiastically, instantly jumping to his little feet, while Robin raised her head in interest and followed him on all fours.
Smiling, Regina received the two children and as they walked toward the kitchen, Zelena joined them as well.
"Sorry for the mess. This is just a normal family party at our house," Emma grinned at Loraine.
"It's no mess. It's perfect," she replied quietly, letting her eyes wander around the room.
Emma eyed her and propped her forearms on her thighs. "I'm glad you agreed to come." Her wistful look told her exactly how lonely the holidays of the past few years must have been for her.
"I didn't want to at first," she admitted, meeting Emma's gaze. "I didn't want to interrupt your cozy get-together."
"I wouldn't have invited you if that was a problem," Emma reasoned. She looked over at Henry and her parents on the other side of the living room, who by now were engrossed in a round of 'The Settlers of Catan' and obviously had their full attention on the game.
This time it was Loraine who eyed Emma. "I was so sorry for you when you called me from the hospital yesterday."
Emma shrugged and slumped back against the back of the sofa. "Won't be unfamiliar to you," she admitted with a wry grin, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "At least I didn't have to stay long."
"Still. Spending the days between cycles there just sucks."
A laugh escaped Emma. "Well, what can I say? That's life. Short and unfair." She grinned. "Speaking of which: When are your next appointments? I hope mine coincide with yours again."
Loraine took a deep breath and looked away from her as she kneaded her fingers in her lap.
"Loraine?"
"That's... what I wanted to talk to you about. Just not today," she stated slowly.
Emma tilted her head and frowned. "Now I want to know more than ever."
"Emma, please..." she tried.
"No, look at me. I'm emaciated and bald, I've got a catheter hanging out of my chest and now I've got a tube stuck up my nose. You can't deny me a request, all right?" she grinned, reaching for her hand. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened," Loraine affirmed and sighed.
Emma paused and the grin disappeared from her lips. "Are you dying? Are they stopping the treatment?" she asked. "Loraine...I..."
"No, Emma," she replied before she finally returned the squeeze of her hand. "No, it..." She sighed again and her shoulders slumped. "They're not stopping the treatment. I decided to stop it," she finally admitted quietly, staring at her and Emma's clasped hands.
"What?" she breathed, her mouth almost hanging open.
Loraine nodded slowly and cautiously raised her eyes. "I was going to tell you, just not today."
Confused, Emma shook her head. "Why do you want to stop the treatments?" she asked in horror before she wrapped her arms around her friend. "How am I supposed to hold out if you don't?"
Loraine returned the hug and stroked Emma's back briefly before they separated again. "You're much younger than I am, and you're needed. I never had a chance to get better and it's not enough for me to just survive anymore. The chemos would maybe keep me alive for a few more years, but at what cost? I'm exhausted, I don't want this anymore. I'd rather enjoy the time I have left and that's without hospitals."
Emma felt tears welling up in her eyes, but she blinked them away. She didn't know whether to be angry with Loraine or to admire her. She herself had not only once toyed with the idea of just letting things take their course, but Loraine was right: if she kept fighting, she could get better. Loraine's chronic illness, on the other hand, was not curable, and Emma didn't think she could take on these tortures for years without a goal in mind. "How am I going to get through chemo without you?" she finally pressed out.
"I'm sure you'll find someone else. And if you want, I'll come with you."
"No way. I would never ask you to voluntarily put yourself back in that torture chamber," Emma immediately countered. "No, I can handle it myself, and next year we'll celebrate Christmas together again."
Loraine smiled wryly and stroked her back. "Thank you for not trying to stop me," she whispered.
Emma shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe I'm just too shocked right now to try."
Smirking, Loraine stroked her cheek briefly before standing up. "I'd like to make myself a little useful. Do you think there's any way to help Regina in the kitchen now that she has her hands full with the kids?"
Emma shrugged. "You can ask her if you really want to. But expect a snub," she added with a grin. As Loraine left the living room, Emma took a deep breath. She really had expected anything but this. Her thoughts were spinning wildly in her head. She hadn't known Loraine long, but right now she couldn't imagine a world without those bright, kind eyes.
"I'm awake." Emma's alarm clock told her it was close to midnight when Regina slipped into bed with her. Since she couldn't eat anyway, she had said goodbye to everyone under the pretense of being tired and let Regina take her to the bedroom.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," the brunette replied, turning on the bedside lamp so as not to fall in the darkness as she got up once more to close the tilted window.
Emma shook her head and waited until she was back with her. "You haven't. I haven't slept not yet."
"You've been lying here awake for almost four hours?", Regina wanted to know in horror, looking at Emma properly for the first time since she had entered the room and turned on the light. "Honey, what's wrong?" Gently, she ran her fingers over Emma's forehead, which was covered in sweat.
The latter pulled her head back from her and wiped it with the sleeve of her pajamas instead. "Nothing. It's all right."
"Emma... It's not all right," Regina objected, kneeling in her bed facing Emma.
Sighing, Emma turned her gaze back to her girlfriend. "Go to sleep, it's late," she begged her, "Don't worry."
"You know, that very phrase worries me immensely, though. You might have a fever again. We shouldn't have invited so many people, we've been very careless lately anyway. If you've picked up any other germs on top of your infection..."
"Regina, I don't have a fever," Emma interrupted her, taking one of her hands to stroke it reassuringly with her thumb.
"How would you know?" Regina asked challengingly, raising a brow. "You're sweating and obviously can't sleep. I'm not going to let you die of a damn flu."
"I know that because I know the reason for the sweating," she said quietly.
Her mouth was already opening to contradict her again, but then Emma's words seemed to get through to her and she closed it again.
"I'm in pain," she whispered, taking a shaky breath. "I have all day. But since I've been here and have no distractions, it's become almost unbearable."
"Why didn't you say something? You have on-demand medication for this!", Regina reminded her, already wanting to get up, but Emma didn't let go of her hand, only closed her fingers tighter around it.
"Because they don't help." As hard as it was for her to admit it, Zelena had been right when she said that she couldn't fool Regina forever. After all, what was the point of taking pain killers that didn't help and putting even more unnecessary strain on her organs? "They did at first, but by now they haven't for a while."
Regina stared at her thunderstrucked before asking, "And when exactly were you planning to tell me about this?"
"I didn't want to worry you, and I thought it would get better on its own once I was through with the chemo cycle. But instead, it's gotten worse with each passing day," Emma now admitted honestly, who couldn't bear to look at her any longer, so she closed her eyes. "I was going to talk to Heart when the holidays were over."
"There's no way we're waiting that long," Regina decided.
"Yes, we are. If all her patients call her during the holidays, then the poor woman might as well come to work even though she's off," Emma insisted before her voice became gentle again. "Now please just lie down. Tomorrow morning the kids will be up at the crack of dawn again to see what Santa brought them."
"And you? You're going to lie awake all night in pain?" she asked sarcastically, standing up. "I'll find something, if I have to wake Zelena and brew a potion with her to do it," she insisted.
"Regina, please." Emma didn't know what exactly caused her girlfriend to stop in her tracks now after all and look at her with a sad expression. Probably it was her tormented tone and the fact that she was on the verge of crying. "Please just come to bed and hold me. Please."
Regina's jaw muscles twitched, but she complied with the request, slowly returning to Emma and gently pulling her into her arms.
"Thank you," she sighed and closed her eyes. Regina's presence couldn't take away her pain, but it made it more bearable and that was all that mattered.
Carefully, after a while, Regina pulled Emma's top up and started massaging Emma's back with light pressure.
At the very first touch, Emma gasped and clenched her teeth tightly.
"Sorry." Immediately Regina withdrew her hand, but Emma shook her head and looked at her over her shoulder.
"No, it's fine. It's just... it's a good pain." She didn't know how else to put it. The bone pain in her spine and pelvis changed with touch, and the burning in her joints changed with movement. It didn't go away, but it improved. The only problem was that she wasn't capable of much movement.
Hesitantly, Regina continued the massage, trying to ignore the fact that Emma kept wincing and finally buried her face in her pillow.
At first, only Emma's shoulders shook, but eventually she could no longer hold back the sobs that had been building up inside her for half the evening. When she felt Regina pull her top back into place and carefully turn her onto her back so she could look at her, she tried to pull herself together, but it just didn't work. She continued to sob unrestrainedly and Regina's gentle fingers stroking her cheek, taking the tears away with them, only made it worse instead of better. "I can't do this anymore," she finally whispered breathlessly.
"I know. But I'm here for you. And what matters is that you're alive. Someday things will be like they used to be, you'll see." She had no idea where these completely abstruse promises came from, but she knew she could hardly bear to see Emma break like this. She had always been the one of the two of them who had faced her fate defiantly. Regina didn't know if she could handle it if that were to change now.
"That's no life, Regina. This is hell. And the worst part is that I'm allowing you and Henry to witness it. I never should have let it get this far. I should have broken up with you when I was first diagnosed. Decent people would do that. I'm the pits."
"Emma, enough. That's not you talking, that's your pain," Regina interrupted her and sat up. "What's good for you when it's this bad?"
"Regina..."
"Let's have it." Her tone had sharpened, and Emma knew she'd better not talk back to her on this one.
"Movement," Emma whispered, looking away from her.
Nodding, Regina got up and pulled on sweatpants and a sweatshirt over her pajamas.
"What are you doing?" Emma asked as she too was pulled to the edge of the bed.
"We're going out now. And no matter what you say, it won't stop me." With those words, she also pulled on Emma's thick socks, pants and sweater.
Emma did not resist, but she shook her head. "Regina, I can't manage this."
"You're Emma Swan. That little bit of cancer won't stop you from doing anything if you just want it to!" She was aware that she must sound like a madwoman, but she didn't care. The sound Emma made as she pulled her to her feet went right through her, but she swallowed her own tears and then led her step by step out of the room and to the stairs.
Due to Emma's condition, it was impossible to move extra quietly, so as expected, Henry's room door opened as they passed it. Sleepy and with disheveled hair, the teenager eyed his two mothers questioningly. "Moms? What are you doing?"
"We're getting some fresh air," Regina replied.
Henry's confused gaze slid from her to Emma, who was wordlessly leaning against her, breathing heavily. "It's the middle of the night."
Regina looked to her girlfriend and tightened her grip around her shoulders. "Emma's in a bad way. Walking helps her."
Unconvinced by this statement, Henry paused for a moment before turning his eyes to Emma again. "May I come with you?" He deliberately asked her and not Regina, since he didn't want to make a decision over her head and she had become even more sensitive since he had carried her up the stairs without being asked.
Emma returned her son's gaze wordlessly for a long time before nodding and whispering, "Okay," in reply.
Immediately Henry disappeared into his room and came out fully clothed only moments later. It was probably thanks to him that they reached the foot of the stairs so easily.
Wrapped in their winter coats, the three of them found themselves on the snowy, silent streets of Storybrooke. Their breath rose in little clouds in front of them and for a long time, only the crunch of snow could be heard beneath their boots.
While Emma had been tense at first, as time drew on her steps became more confident and she put aside her fear of falling. Regina and Henry not only kept her warm and upright, but also gave her new strength. Her frantic breaths slowed and finally she stopped and put her head back in her neck to look up at the starry sky above her. "Maybe we'll see Santa's sleigh," she whispered with a grin after a while.
"Yeah, maybe." Instead of looking up into the dark night sky as well, Regina looked at Emma from the side, memorizing every feature of her face. She wouldn't have thought it possible half an hour ago that she would be able to see Emma's smile now. "Are you sure you're not too cold?"
Emma nodded her head without taking her eyes off the glittering dots of light amid the black sea above her.
Henry snuggled closer to Emma and after a while rested his head on her shoulder. "All we need now are shooting stars."
Giggling, Emma stroked his back. "I guess that would be a little too cheesy then. After all, we're not in a romantic comedy here."
Silently, Regina had to agree with her. Nothing about this was funny, and the reasons they were standing on the snowy nighttime street at that moment were something she could have done without. "How are you feeling?" she wanted to know quietly from Emma after a while.
"Better." At last, she turned her gaze in Regina's direction and gave her a faint smile. "Thank you." She closed her eyes and leaned closer in her girlfriend's direction before she could feel her lips on hers. Unlike her own, they were pleasantly warm and Emma enjoyed how gentle yet urgent Regina's kiss was. All too soon she pulled away again and Emma looked into her eyes once more. "We should get back before I can't make it anymore."
Slowly, Regina nodded and briefly stroked her son's knit cap on his head before they all made the short walk back to the house.
They hadn't gone far, as Emma's physical condition wouldn't have allowed it, but it was obvious that it had done her an incredible amount of good nonetheless. When they re-entered the house, however, she immediately dropped onto the low dresser next to the door in the foyer and leaned her head back against the wall. Apparently, she could only choose between pain and exhaustion. "I'll sleep on the sofa," she said when everyone had gotten rid of their coats, shoes, scarves and caps and were ready to return to their beds.
"Out of the question, it's far too uncomfortable," Regina replied instantly, but picked up Emma's tired gaze looking unhappily to the many stairs leading up.
"It's not, I've slept on the sofa many times. And it's better than me dragging myself up there and immediately undoing any relief the walk has brought with it," Emma stated, shaking her head, before she used the wall as a support and made her way to the living room with slow steps.
Henry came to her other side and helped her after giving Regina an apologetic look. He could understand that Emma was so worn out that she couldn't make it up the stairs, and there was no way he would suggest carrying her again. She had made it abundantly clear what she thought of that and he respected her wishes. This was not an emergency, so he was not imposing on her.
When Emma finally took a seat on the broad couch, her legs felt like jello. "Thanks, kid," she whispered and lay down. Her head barely touched the pillow when she already closed her eyes.
Regina spread a large fleece blanket over her and then pressed a kiss to her forehead.
A smile flitted across Emma's face and her lips formed a soundless "Thank you" before her deep breaths made it clear that she had fallen asleep.
"Morning!"
Blinking, Emma opened her eyes and tried to get her bearings. It was still quite gloomy in the room except for the lighting of the Christmas tree, and only now did she remember that she had spent the night on the sofa. "Good morning," she replied, patting Neal on the head, who was standing right in front of her. "What are you doing down here all alone?" she wanted to know, wearily running her hand over her eyes.
"Presents!" the little boy beamed. "Emma sofa?" he then wanted to know in wonder, tilting his head.
"Yeah, I... wanted to wait for Santa and must have fallen asleep," she quickly thought of an explanation for why she had spent the night on the sofa.
Neal was satisfied with it, grinned conspiratorially, and shortly thereafter dropped to his knees in front of the Christmas tree under which the boxes of gifts were piled.
A smile slid across Emma's face before she sat up straining. Wearily, she leaned back against the back of the sofa as soon as she was sitting upright and let her head sink back. She wondered what time it was; it wasn't dawning until late this time of year, and since she could hear clattering and low voices in the house, most of the others were probably already up.
"Good morning, sweetheart," Snow said softly then, entering the living room in search of her son. "Did he wake you?"
Emma looked up at her mother with a smile and shook her head. "That's okay, it doesn't matter. It's Christmas morning, after all," she indicated, turning her eyes to her little brother.
"Regina told us you were sleeping down here... Are you feeling better by now?" Snow inquired with a furrowed brow, giving Emma a kiss on the forehead.
The latter nodded slowly. "Yes, I slept well." She took a deep breath and glanced at the door, through which the rest of the family was now trickling in one by one.
"Merry Christmas!" Henry cried out, who brought up the rear behind David and then settled to Emma's right and put an arm around her shoulders before Regina took a seat to her left and pressed a quick kiss to her lips.
"It's rare to wake up like this," Emma noted with a wry grin, snuggling up to her two loved ones.
Regina put a blanket around her shoulders and over her legs, then stroked her back. "It's not Christmas that often," she said dryly. Involuntarily, she rubbed her tense neck briefly, having slept all night in the armchair across from Emma, in case she would have needed her. "You may unwrap the presents," she finally laughed, seeing how impatient Neal and Robin were slowly but surely becoming.
Instantly, the children pounced on the boxes. However, since they were still too small to read the labels, their parents helped them and soon Neal was beaming, holding up a police car with flashing lights, while Robin pressed a small stuffed duckling to her chest. One by one, the adults unwrapped their presents as well.
Only Emma, Regina, and Henry sat side by side on the couch watching everyone else, happy to see how excited they were.
"I have your presents upstairs in my nightstand," Emma said after a while, alternating looking between her girlfriend and her son. "Can you get them, please, Henry?" she then asked softly, looking down at the floor. She felt Regina's gaze on her as her son nodded and sprinted up the stairs, but said nothing. She wanted nothing more than to be able to celebrate with them without a care in the world, but the aches and pains that were already tugging at her again from sitting for the past half hour were a constant reminder of how transient life was. She was glad that Regina also kept silent and Henry returned already a short time later, in his hands two gifts wrapped in red paper and tied with golden ribbon. "For you," she said softly, taking the gift from Henry, on which she had written Regina's name to pass it on to her.
"Thanks, Ma," Henry said honestly, who exchanged a quick glance with his other mother before removing the paper.
"It's nothing special, but it's all I could get off the ground from my bed," Emma explained quietly and slightly apologetically, who kept an eye on Henry's reaction as he opened the photo album Emma had designed on her laptop and then had printed.
"It's beautiful, Ma. Thank you!" Firmly, yet gently at the same time, he wrapped his arms around her neck and closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, he met Regina's gaze over Emma's shoulder, sitting next to them with tears in her eyes and slumped shoulders, holding her own photo album in her lap with shaky fingers.
"The albums are pretty much identical. They only differ slightly in that Henry's has more pictures of him and me and yours has more pictures of you and me," Emma continued to explain after a while, turning to Regina after releasing her embrace with Henry. "Regina?"
The dark-haired woman nodded only briefly, unable to say a single word. She was touched and hurt in equal measure. Emma had given them her memories, and Regina couldn't shake the feeling that she had done it for the sole purpose of giving her and Henry something to remember her by when she could no longer be with them.
