Chapter 47
New Year's Eve passed without much celebration. Snow and David merely dropped by with Neal for dinner before putting their son to bed at home and sitting in silent togetherness arm in arm at the loft window, watching the fireworks that conjured up colorful hues in the night sky. Zelena and Henry toasted with non-alcoholic champagne at midnight, while Robin had been asleep in her bed for hours. Regina had left them around 11 p.m. so she could be with Emma for the turn of the year, who had barely managed to get out of bed that day, forcing herself to make only a few necessary bathroom visits before she had to lie down again. Her doctor had prescribed transdermal fentanyl patches when they had been there between Christmas and New Year's Eve at Regina's insistence, and these lowered her pain to a level where she could at least somehow get through the day, but of course still did not significantly improve her general condition.
The following two weeks also passed without any special incidents. Emma got rid of the feeding tube, but she had less appetite than she had in a long time, which is why Regina tried to literally force her to eat. Her fear was also that after the news of Loraine, Emma was giving up more and more and was increasingly breaking down. When she finally started driving her girlfriend to her chemo sessions again, eating was even more out of the question.
With her arms folded in front of her chest, Regina entered the clinic on Tuesday of the second week of chemo and looked out for Emma. The chair where she usually sat was empty, so she searchingly let her gaze wander around the sprawling room.
"Ms. Mills?" a nurse's voice sounded behind Regina, causing her to whirl around.
"Where's Emma? I was going to pick her up, but..." she began, hastily glancing at her wristwatch to make sure she hadn't gotten the time wrong.
The nurse nodded and, with an outstretched arm, gestured to Regina that they needed to go into the adjoining room.
Regina had a feeling, after Emma had already told her several times that this was where those 'whose ends are near' were taken, that her knees would give way at any moment, but she somehow managed to keep her composure and smoothed out her cloth pants, which were actually much too thin for the weather, before tightening her coat around herself.
"She was feeling lightheaded due to her bad circulation in between, that's why she's here today," the nurse explained as they headed for the doorway.
"But she gets to go home?" Regina inquired uncertainly, trying not to let her anxiety about what to expect show.
The nurse nodded. "Dr. Heart wants to check on her again before you leave, but in principle you may take her with you." She stopped in the doorway and let Regina pass. "I'll let the doctor know you're here."
"Thank you," Regina replied curtly before the nurse returned to the main room and left her alone. Somewhat disoriented, since she had never been here before, Regina looked around the somewhat smaller room. Against the walls, instead of armchairs, were beds separated by curtains. Directly across from the door, she could make out the outline of an elderly man who, upon closer inspection, appeared more dead than alive. Regina quickly tore her gaze away from him and continued to scan the room. In fact, only three of the beds were occupied. In one lay the man, in a second, in the far corner, a woman whose hand was held by a young man, presumably her son, and in the third Emma, who seemed to be staring blankly at the ceiling and did not yet seem to have registered her appearance. Slowly and quietly, so that her boot heels did not make a clattering noise on the linoleum floor, she stepped to Emma's side and briefly stroked her forearm.
Wearily, Emma turned her face to her and sighed. "Now I'm with the ones whose ends are near," she said tonelessly before she coughed briefly and held her head.
"Stop it, you're just lying down instead of sitting, that's all," Regina nearly snapped at her, sitting down on a swivel stool that was probably there for the doctors and nurses.
"Exactly," Emma nodded, teeth chattering shiveringly as a chill ran through her.
"Your mother is at our place because she wanted to spend the afternoon with you and give me a hand with the paperwork about the town hall renovation," Regina explained quietly. She didn't want to disturb the other patients in any way, so she didn't dare raise her voice any more than necessary. "I'll call her and tell her we'll postpone, okay?"
Unexpectedly for Regina, however, Emma shook her head. "That'll just make her losing it out of worry again. You guys can work, don't let me bother you," she countered, closing her eyes.
When the blood pressure cuff made a whirring sound, Regina lifted her eyes to the monitor above Emma's bed, which a little later displayed the current reading. Only the sound of footsteps coming from the door made Regina avert her eyes again.
"Hello, Regina," Heart greeted her, extending her hand.
Immediately Regina stood up and returned the handshake. "Hello." She didn't dare ask any questions; the doctor's furrowed brow was enough to quicken her heartbeat for now.
"Your blood pressure is still pretty low. Are you still dizzy, Emma?" Heart inquired gently of her patient.
"Not as bad as earlier," Emma returned, craning her neck to look at her readings for herself. "Oh, come on. When is my blood pressure ever higher than 100?" she then waved it off lightly.
"Hardly ever," the doctor nodded in agreement. "But stable above 80 would suit me just fine."
"I'm going to lie down as soon as I get home anyway." Emma straightened up a tiny bit and looked at her with a pleading expression in her eyes. "Please. I don't want to stay here."
Heart sighed audibly, then turned her gaze to Regina. "Is there anyone at home with her?"
"Of course," the latter assured her. Still, she wasn't comfortable with the idea of taking Emma with her unless her doctor seemed absolutely convinced she was well enough to do so. However, she was equally reluctant to approach her about it and stab Emma in the back that way.
"All right, you may leave once the IV runs out," Heart finally relented, writing a few words in Emma's patient chart hanging by the bed.
"Thank you," Emma said, a load off her mind. She was tired of inpatient stays that weren't absolutely necessary.
Dr. Heart nodded and slipped her pen back into the breast pocket of her white coat. "But if your condition deteriorates again at home, I expect you to be sensible enough to come back to the clinic," she demanded sternly. "Your leukocytes are low and your inflammatory values are still slightly elevated, so watch yourself. And think again about what we talked about today. All the best, hopefully see you Friday," she then smiled a bit wryly.
"See you Friday," Emma nodded and gave her a quick look before looking at Regina and clearing her throat slightly. "Don't worry, my blood pressure is always low and I'm feeling much better."
"I know. What did she mean just now? What did you guys talk about?", Regina then wanted to know.
"Nothing in particular. She just asked me to take it easy." She rolled her eyes. "As if I had anything else to do."
Regina nodded curtly and bit her lip. It felt wrong to have Snow sitting expectantly on her couch, dealing with paperwork instead of caring for Emma like a loving girlfriend should.
"Regina? What's wrong?"
"You really don't miss a trick, do you?" she sighed, rolling her eyes briefly. "I don't know if my head feels like office work."
"You'll be fine. My mom's been behaving pretty good lately, right?" Emma smirked Emma, giving her hand a quick squeeze.
"Yeah," Regina just returned, then fell silent.
Shortly after, the nurse returned and removed Emma from the empty IV bottle before slowly helping her up and into the wheelchair. "Do you want me to come with you to the car? My colleague is next door with the other patients," she then offered.
Regina shook her head, however, and helped Emma slip into her jacket. "Thank you, we can handle this."
"Okay, I'll see you Friday, Emma."
"Yes," she nodded exhaustedly and, without protesting, let Regina zipper up her anorak as if she was a little child and then push her to her Mercedes. It was so cold outside that she immediately started shivering again and wrapped her arms around herself. "I wish it was at least summer," she quivered as she slid into the passenger seat with Regina's help and buckled herself up with difficulty.
"I don't think any extreme weather would suit you very well right now," Regina countered, and was behind the wheel just a few minutes later.
Emma tried everything to hold back the chattering of her teeth and turned the car's warm ventilation directly on herself. When the house came into view, she breathed a sigh of relief and unbuckled her seatbelt as the car came to a stop.
Regina considered going to get Snow for a moment so she could support Emma with her, but then decided against it. "Can you walk?"
"What other choice do I have?", Emma wanted to know with a short laugh. "Are you going to make me grow wings?"
Rolling her eyes, Regina pulled her arm around her shoulders and wrapped her free one around Emma's waist. She hadn't thought it possible for Emma to lose any more weight, but that's exactly what had happened in the past few weeks. For that reason alone, however, she now probably managed to maneuver her all the way inside and make her sit on the dresser.
"You're back!", Snow's bright voice sounded enthusiastically through the house before she hurried out of the living room and entered the foyer. Her happy expression got a few cracks, though, when she saw her daughter's slumped figure crouching on the small cabinet while Regina had squatted down in front of her to take off her shoes. "Hi, Emma," she finally brought out past the lump in her throat.
"Hi, Mom," Emma nodded with a weak smile and lowered her head against the wall as she waited for Regina to help her back up.
"Are you ready?" the latter wanted to know, and at her nod pulled her to her feet again.
Emma stumbled and clung to her. "I'm sorry," it escaped her quietly.
Regina, however, just shook her head. "It's all right. You're almost there." She was at least as relieved as Emma herself when they reached the sofa and she could lay her down on it. "Will you move the papers to the kitchen table, please?" she then turned to Snow, who was hovering around them with an anxious face, as if she had just learned that Emma was sick. She would really have preferred to put Emma to bed right away, but it was out of the question that she could manage the stairs in her current condition.
"Yeah, sure," Snow nodded, gathering up the papers spread out on the coffee table. "Emma, honey, is there anything I can do for you?" she then wanted to know when she got back.
Emma just shook her head silently. The chemo and the exertion had made her feel incredibly sick in equal parts, and she couldn't say anything more as saliva was already pooling in her mouth and she pressed her hand to it.
Since Regina had been there often enough by now when Emma was about to throw up, she knew the signs and was already holding a bucket in front of her chest while she straightened her up with her other hand.
Regina's reaction came not a moment too soon, and Emma was already projectile vomiting. Tears burned in her eyes and ran down her cheeks as she fell back onto the sofa weakly as soon as her girlfriend pulled back her helping hand from her back.
"Let me help somehow," Snow pleaded again as she watched Regina wipe Emma's mouth with a tissue in routine movements.
"Then go to the bathroom and get a lukewarm washcloth. Use a soft one," Regina instructed her in a strained voice, not turning away from Emma. "Are you okay?" she then wanted to know, again more gently and stroked her girlfriend's forehead briefly.
Emma nodded and took an effortful slow, deep breath. "But I think there's more to come soon," she whispered, closing her eyes in exhaustion.
"Here," Snow said at that moment, who half ran into the living room, stretching out the washcloth in Regina's direction and finally coming to a skidding halt beside the sofa.
"Thank you, Snow," she nodded to her stepdaughter and reached for the damp, soft fabric. "Don't get a fright," she said gently, before carefully dabbing Emma's face until her tension eased a bit.
When Regina also ran the cloth over her hands and forearms, she again contorted her face in pain. The light massage was actually good for her overstimulated skin, which Regina knew of course, but it always took a while before her damaged nerves registered the touches as gentle.
Finally, Regina looked up at Snow, who stood frozen beside them. "Can you take over for a minute?" she asked softly, holding the cloth out to her.
"I don't know what to do," Snow started, but Regina just pulled her down next to her on the couch so she was sitting closer than she was to Emma's head.
"Slow, circular motions. Gently, don't press down too hard," she instructed her, guiding her hand briefly before withdrawing hers and standing up.
Immediately, Snow's gaze snapped up to her. "Where are you going?"
"I'll be right back," was all Regina said, and she took the bucket into the bathroom, where she emptied and rinsed it. She allowed herself a few more minutes of deep breathing.
"Mom?" Emma whispered after a while.
"Yes?"
Emma had to clear her throat and cough briefly before continuing. "During chemo today..." she began, taking a deep breath. She hadn't been able to think of anything else since Heart had come to see her to talk to her shortly after treatment began that morning. But until now, she hadn't felt ready to broach the subject with Regina either. "My doctor came to me," she finally said, averting her eyes from her mother. "My circulation wasn't very good today, and she said that the physical examination didn't satisfy her. I... well... she thinks it would be better and safer for me to use a wheelchair in the future." She swallowed frantically, and this time it wasn't because her esophagus hurt from frequent vomiting.
"Honey, I... well, I'm sure she only wants what's best for you," Snow stated helplessly, who suddenly saw Regina leaning in the doorway leading to the foyer. Judging from her pained expression, she had heard Emma's words as well. "It's only for a certain amount of time. Just until you get better."
"What if I never get better?" Emma whispered, looking at Snow with tear-blurred eyes. "I know that's bullshit, but I've always felt up until now that I can't be that bad if my feet are still carrying me. If I don't even have that anymore..."
"Emma, I understand that this is scary to you. I probably can't even basically imagine how much. But you can't give up now, you hear me?"
"I wish I could just get anything done on my own again and not have to rely on others to do it. Is that really too much to ask?" she sobbed.
Before Snow could answer, Regina pushed herself off the doorframe and rejoined them at the couch. "You're upset and I can understand, but you need to try to calm down and rest," she said gently, wiping the tears from Emma's cheeks before pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I'll put the bucket here and Snow and I will be in the kitchen. If you need anything, just call."
Emma met her gaze with her eyes and nodded. She had no way of knowing that Regina had heard her previous words as well and was now simply trying to reassure her. She couldn't bring herself to say another word and just watched as Snow and Regina left the living room to go to the kitchen.
"How do you do that?", Snow wanted to know, no sooner than being out of earshot.
"How do I do what?" Regina asked, turning to her with a raised eyebrow.
Snow slumped down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table and buried her hands in her hair as she propped her elbows on the table. "How can you stay so calm when she's in such bad shape?"
Regina poured two cups of coffee and slid one of them to Snow before taking a seat across from her. "Emma has been sick for over three months now. I don't want to say you get used to it, because I guess you never do. But I've seen her in such a state many times, and I know by now how to respond and what she needs then. There's no point in running around frantic and scared."
Silently, Snow blew into her hot coffee and stared ahead. "Did you hear what she said to me?"
Regina nodded, then ran a hand briefly over her eyes. "Do you want me to be honest? I'm not surprised. I've been waiting for the day when she no longer has the strength to walk the short distances around the house or from the car to the door," she admitted, taking a deep breath. "But I was equally aware that this would destroy her."
"Why do you think she told me and not you?"
Regina gave a quick shrug of one shoulder. "Maybe because you're not as close as I am. You see her every now and then, but still, you're more remotely involved. Or maybe that's just a thing she needs her mother for."
Snow was silent for a while before she glanced uneasily at the door. "Do we hear her calling when we're here?"
"I check on her regularly anyway. Don't worry, she prefers not to be watched all the time. She needs that," Regina countered, although of course she would also have preferred to stay sitting next to Emma and be on hand immediately if she felt uncomfortable. "Let's just try to get on with the work," she then said, pulling some pieces of paper towards her. She was as unfocused and agitated as Snow, but she knew she had to distract herself somehow to keep from losing her nerve. She had clearly noted that Heart would have preferred Emma to be admitted as an inpatient. She trusted the doctor's judgment, but she too seemed conflicted.
While Regina and Snow went about their work, Emma lay on the sofa staring at the ceiling, as she had done in the hospital before Regina had come. She was far too agitated to rest or even think about sleep; besides, she was still nauseous. Her thoughts turned over and over again to Heart's words. She bravely held back her tears and bit her already chapped lower lip. She didn't want to be this person she had become more and more with each passing week; who couldn't cope without the help of others, who was weak and in pain and couldn't be let out of sight for a second. She felt she had to prove to herself and her family that she wasn't at the end of her rope, that she was still capable of getting her life sorted on her own. She sighed in frustration and punched one of the soft sofa cushions with her fist, which unfortunately was not as satisfying as she had hoped.
In the afternoon, Henry brought a stream of swirling snowflakes though the door with him when he came home from school. He had stopped by Max's for a bit, where they had worked on a project for the next week and then played on his console for a bit.
Regina and Snow had made good progress on their work in the meantime. They had checked on Emma every hour or so and otherwise concentrated fully on the plans, which by now covered the entire kitchen table.
As Henry entered the kitchen with his backpack over his shoulder, Regina looked up and gave him a smile. "Hello, Henry. Are you hungry?"
"Hey Mom, hi Grandma," he greeted the two women and hugged Snow before setting his bag down and pouring himself a glass of orange juice. "No, I was at Max's, his mom made us something," he explained, glancing over Regina's shoulder at the many papers. "What are you doing?"
"Boring paperwork," Regina replied.
"City Hall is in need of some renovations if we don't want the roof to collapse on us at some point," Snow elaborated on what they were brooding over.
"You should have added indestructible building fabric to your curse, Mom," Henry grinned, taking a sip of his juice as he leaned his buttocks against the kitchen counter. "Is Emma upstairs in bed?"
Still half thinking about the blueprints, Regina slowly shook her head without looking up at him. "No, she's on the sofa," she mumbled in reply.
"Um... no, she isn't. I was just in the living room when I came home," Henry replied slowly, looking uncertainly back and forth between Snow and Regina.
"What?!" This time Regina focused her full attention on her son as her head shot up and she was already standing next to her chair at the same moment. "What are you talking about, I just went to check on her." Hastily she left the kitchen and hurried into the living room.
Snow looked at Henry questioningly for a moment before she too stood up when she heard Regina call Emma's name. In the foyer, she bumped into her stepmother, who yanked open the door to the guest bathroom and once again called out her girlfriend's name with growing panic in her voice.
Her eyes widened in horror as Regina turned back around and met Snow's gaze. "She can't be gone! She could barely stay on her feet when we got back. Emma, if this is supposed to be a joke, it's not funny!" She shouted the last sentence again, but received only absolute silence in response.
"Did you guys have a fight or something?" Henry wanted to know, who put a hand on Regina's forearm to calm her down.
"No, she was just exhausted and pretty depressed," the brunette replied, struggling to take deep breaths as she felt her hands begin to shake.
"You check upstairs and I'll have a look around the garden," Henry responded.
"I don't think Emma will be up there, Henry," Snow pointed out. "She wouldn't have made it."
"This is my Ma we're talking about. If she sets her mind to something, she'll get it done. Besides, the alternative would be that she disappeared into thin air," the teenager shrugged his shoulders before he once again slipped into his jacket and winter boots to scan the garden.
Regina was already on her way upstairs and tore open every single door there as well, but without finding her girlfriend. A part of her that had feared she might have tried to end her life herself in desperation was relieved, but the fact that they still hadn't found her tugged at her nerves.
"Mom!" Henry's voice finally sounded from downstairs up the stairs, and Regina hurried to the banister to look down at her son.
Snow was standing in the doorway to the living room and also paused as Henry, his hair covered in a thin layer of snow, rushed in the front door.
Henry lifted his head to his mother and looked into her dark eyes with a flickering gaze. "Mom, her car is gone."
