Chapter 48

"What do you mean, her car is gone? Think about what you're saying!" was Regina's first gruff reaction as she came down the stairs and pushed Henry aside to hurry right out onto the porch without her jacket and then into the driveway. The absence of the yellow Beetle under the carport nearly made her heart stop. "That's not possible," she muttered, shivering as she wrapped her arms around herself.

"I think it's possible," Snow stated slowly, who had stepped up beside her and was pointing at the ground. "Look."

"What am I supposed to see, Miss Tracker?", Regina snapped at her. Her anger wasn't directed at Snow; in fact, she wasn't even angry. She was simply terrified for her girlfriend.

Unfazed by Regina's tone, Snow crouched down and pointed to footprints almost completely covered by snow leading to the carport.

"Those could be Henry's, his bike is under there too," Regina said gruffly.

"But the tracks only lead in one direction. And with the strength of the snowfall, they can't be too old either," Snow pointed out. "Besides, they match Emma. See, there are drag marks between each footprint. She didn't lift her feet properly and over there she slipped and stumbled." It was clear that Snow was fully in her element. It was probably that which gave her a sense of composure. She trusted in her abilities, which she was confident would lead her to her daughter.

"She left... with the car?" Regina sounded as if she would break down at any moment. "We have to find her, right now. It's too cold for her, and even worse, she may have an accident."

"We'll find her. We'll just follow the skid marks and..." Snow began, but was interrupted by a snorting sound from Regina.

"Absolutely not! I'm casting a locator spell. Do you really think I'm going to wait for you to read in some snapped branches?" With that, she went back into the house and disappeared through the door that led to the basement. She didn't have as much magic equipment at home as she did in her vault, but it should be absolutely sufficient for a simple locator spell. Only minutes later she came back upstairs with the small vial in her hand and poured the contents onto Emma's scarf.

Snow, in the meantime, had called her husband to drive the patrol car down the streets looking for their daughter's conspicuous car.

"Do you have any guesses as to where she might be?" Henry wanted to know from Regina as she enchanted the scarf.

"No, but we don't need to. We'll find her with this in no time," she replied, getting dressed and then hurrying to her car, Snow close behind her. "Henry, I want you to stay here in case she comes back."

"But..."

"No buts. Someone has to stay here. If she shows up, you call me immediately," Regina instructed her son. She could understand his wanting to come along, but Regina preferred Snow to be with her at that moment. She feared finding the yellow Beetle smoking and totaled wrapped around a tree somewhere, and she certainly didn't want Henry to be with them then, seeing Emma in whatever state she was in.

With drooping shoulders, Henry stopped in the front doorway and watched as Regina backed out at lightning speed, Snow bracing herself against the dashboard as she drove rapidly while Emma's scarf floated in gentle waves in front of them.

"Don't drive so fast, please," Snow said after a while and after the rear of the car had careered out of control on a curve for the second time.

"Now is not the time to criticize my driving," Regina snapped, turning sharply to the right as the hovering scarf suddenly left the main road and turned into a small forest path.

"An accident won't do us, and it certainly won't do Emma any good," Snow implored her, then squinted as they turned onto the uncleared path. It was only thanks to the closely standing trees that it was possible to drive on it in a car at all, otherwise the snow would have been several feet high. "At least your magic is working," she then muttered as they could see clear, fresh skid marks leading into the forest. "She used to drive into the woods when she needed to think in peace."

"So, she thought it was a good idea in her condition, with 23 degrees and heavy snowfall?" Regina hissed, gritting her teeth tightly. Her knuckles gripped the steering wheel so tightly they were already white.

"She's desperate. Desperation makes people do the craziest things," Snow whispered.

"There!" Regina shouted out suddenly as they came around a bend and Emma's car was in the middle of the path. Relieved that the accident she had feared had failed to happen, she unfastened her seat belt and hurried through the ankle-deep snow to the driver's door.

Emma sat strapped behind the wheel of the car, but her upper body had slumped forward and her head was leaning sideways on the steering wheel.

"Emma!" Regina cried, grateful that the car wouldn't lock from the inside as she yanked the door open and put an arm around her girlfriend. "Emma, wake up!" Carefully, Regina leaned her unconscious girlfriend back in the seat and stroked her ice-cold face. Her pants were full of vomit and instead of an anorak, she only wore her red leather jacket over the white sweater she had also worn during chemo. "Snow, call an ambulance!" Regina shouted outside, taking off her own coat to wrap Emma in it.

"I hope they find us. I gave the directions as best I could," Snow stammered nervously as she came up behind Regina a few moments later.

"I need you to help me carry her to the Mercedes. The engine won't start and before the ambulance arrives, she'll be frozen to death," Regina said immediately, who slipped her arms under Emma's armpits from behind, pulling her out of the car.

Immediately Snow took her legs and the two of them carried the unconscious young woman to Regina's car, where they laid her on the back seat.

Before climbing in next to Emma and closing the doors, Regina turned the heater to the highest setting and then took Emma's head in her lap. "Come on, wake up," she whispered.

Snow sat in the passenger seat and stuck her head between the front seats, from where she looked at her daughter with a worried frown. "Why do you think she's not regaining consciousness?"

"Her circulation collapsed during chemo today. I'm surprised she got this far at all," Regina replied tensely, pulling Emma's gray beanie further over her ears in a nervous gesture, as if this might protect her from the bitter cold. As she did so, she noticed Emma's eyelids fluttering open a bit. "Emma... can you hear me?"

At first, she was silent, her face as white as the snow that hung on Regina's black coat and had not yet melted. "Where are we?" she finally whispered strained. "My chest hurts."

"In the car. You passed out after going... wherever," Regina said.

"I'm sorry." Emma's eyes welled up with tears. "I wanted to think about everything in peace and prove I wasn't completely helpless. I wanted to do this on my own, and I wanted you to see that I could still be counted on. I wanted you to be proud of me again," she sobbed, hot tears running down her cold skin.

Regina's heart almost broke when she saw her like this and heard her words. "I'm always proud of you, Emma. That was a really stupid idea of yours," she whispered chokingly.

"I know. I just... wanted to feel like myself again. Just once briefly." Speaking strained her even more, and she had the oppressive feeling that soon she wouldn't be able to breathe at all.

Nodding, Regina stroked her cheek. "I know. It's okay. I'm not mad at you." Relief spread through her as the lights of the ambulance cast flickering blue flashes on the surrounding trees. "Emma, the ambulance is here. But I'm right here with you. And your mom's here too, okay?"

Emma shed new tears as she returned Snow's gaze. "I don't want to go to the hospital."

"It's okay, sweetie. I'm sure you'll feel better soon and then you'll come back home," Snow pressed out, forbidding herself to cry. She took a deep breath and finally got out to talk to the ambulance drivers.

"Where's Henry?" Emma asked into the sudden silence.

"At home. He noticed you left with the car," Regina explained quietly, wincing as the doors of her car were yanked open.

"Hi, would you mind stepping out of the car, ma'am, so we can get your girlfriend out of there?" one of the drivers asked, addressing Regina.

Reluctantly, she complied, especially as Emma's hand groped disorientedly as she slid away from her. "I'll be right back, I promise," she whispered to her before retreating from the door of the car. "I'll call Henry," she then informed Snow, pulling her cell phone from her back pocket.

"And I'll call David," the latter nodded.

Tensely, the two women then watched as Emma was tended to and lifted into the ambulance on the gurney, their hands automatically finding each other and holding tight.


"Intensive care unit?" Regina asked horrified when Dr. Heart had barely finished her first sentence. "But she just had a brief black out, like this morning!"

"She has pneumonia, Regina. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. In Emma's condition, it's life-threatening," the doctor countered, reaching for Regina's forearm as she swayed slightly. "Come on, let's sit down."

"I don't want to sit down," Regina countered gruffly, pulling her arm out of the doctor's grip. "What's going to happen now?"

"She'll get antibiotics and her breathing will be supported. We're also monitoring her around the clock."

"And that's it? Nothing else? There must be something you can do to make her better!" Regina roared again. Self-reproach gnawed at her; she hadn't taken care of Emma and now, after the hour in the cold, she had pneumonia that might kill her.

"Unfortunately, we can only treat the symptoms. Don't blame yourself, Regina. It could have happened at any time given Emma's general condition," she tried to reassure her.

"No, it couldn't have! I wasn't paying attention to her and she went out in this cold. I cannot and will not forgive myself for that."

Heart took a deep breath. "Sure, it wasn't exactly convenient, but you don't get pneumonia that quickly. She must have been carrying it around for a while. And besides, Emma is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Her decision today was stupid and careless, you can't blame yourself for that. Likewise, I could blame myself for letting her go at midday today. But that doesn't do anyone any good now."

Regina's jaw tightened and she closed her eyes briefly, shaking her head. "Anyway... Can I go see her now?"

"Yeah, just one more thing," Heart nodded. "I know you don't want to hear about this right now, but we should talk in a timely manner about whether Emma wants to be invasively ventilated if worst comes to the worst."

"What do you mean?" Regina felt the lump in her throat grow.

"Right now, she's too weak to breathe unassisted, but she's still managing small breaths that are deepened by the device. But if her lung function continues to deteriorate, we may have to put her in a coma and put her on full artificial respiration," she explained slowly.

"Wait, what?" Regina ran both hands through her hair and took a deep breath. "Is that necessary?"

"Not at the moment," Heart reassured her. "But if Emma's condition worsens, the doctors and nurses need to know how to respond. She has no documents on file in that regard, and just in case she can't decide for herself, which is applicable right now, you're our contact person."

"I'm supposed to decide that?" she asked in horror, clutching the strap of her purse. "I can't!"

"You don't have to give me an answer right now. Go to her first, think about it. I just want you to know where this is going," Heart answered sympathetically.

Regina just nodded, stunned.

"Do you need me to tell you how to get to the ICU?" Heart finally asked.

"No, that's not necessary. Thank you." As if in a trance, Regina turned away from her and walked slowly toward the elevator.

"What did she say? How is she?" Snow's voice reached Regina from the left.

She had completely forgotten that her stepdaughter had been waiting for her during the conversation. "She has pneumonia," Regina replied wearily, pressing the call button on the elevator.

"Oh," Snow whispered. "But it's easily treatable, isn't it?"

Blankly, Regina turned her gaze to her. She had no energy for a discussion of this kind. "She has cancer, Snow. Pneumonia can kill her." Glad that the elevator doors opened at that moment, Regina got in.

Snow froze for a moment before following her and finally falling silent as well.

Regina immediately inquired about Emma on the ward, where they let her and Snow join her without any problems. As they were about to enter the hospital room, Regina paused in the middle of the doorway, causing Snow to almost run into her. Clinging to the frame with her hand, she finally leaned her forehead against it during a few deep breaths until she felt Snow's hand on her shoulder. The trembling of her fingers, however, told Regina that Emma's sight had not left her unscathed either.

"Maybe we'd better visit her one after the other," Snow suggested quietly after a few moments, seeking Regina's gaze. She felt that Regina was repressing her feelings too much while she was with her, and she didn't want to be responsible for possibly making her feel worse psychologically as a result.

"Yeah, maybe. Do you want to see her first?" Regina asked.

Snow shook her head. "I think you're the one she needs right now." With a tear-blurred look, she took a seat in a chair in the corridor and gave Regina an encouraging nod with a forced smile.

Taking a deep breath, Regina tightened her shoulders and closed the door behind her, causing the room to suddenly be eerily quiet after the bustle of nurses in the corridors was shut out. "Emma?" Regina whispered, reaching for her hand lying limply on the bedspread.

Emma's eyes remained closed as the ventilator, its mask strapped around her head with straps of soft fabric covering nearly her entire pale face, made hissing sounds with each of her breaths.

"What were you thinking?" Regina whispered, vigorously wiping the tears from her cheeks before taking a deep breath and shaking her hair back. She couldn't lose control of herself now; Emma needed her. Affectionately, she stroked her head without releasing her other hand from Emma's. She remained in this position silently for the next few minutes until her girlfriend's eyes opened a crack.

Disoriented and weakened, Emma stared ahead for a while before lifting her free hand to her face and pressing against the respirator mask on her face.

"Emma, don't. You're in the hospital, the mask is helping you breathe," Regina said softly. "Just keep breathing, you're doing great." Her voice almost broke at her last words, especially when she saw Emma moving her lips soundlessly and squeezing her hand in a barely noticeable way. "Don't speak. Save your strength."

Emma's facial expressions clearly stated that she was uncomfortable with the way the mask pressed against her face and that the device partially controlled her breaths by increasing each inhale and exhale, but she was too weakened to fight it, so she kept her eyes on Regina for a moment and then gave in to the urge to close them again.

Regina bit her lip and closed her eyes for a while. Heart liked to claim that Emma had had the pneumonia before, but she still blamed herself for her current condition. To stretch her legs for a moment, she got up and stepped to the window, in front of which snow from the sky continued to swirl to the ground. The clothes Emma had been wearing when she was admitted lay in a crumpled heap on a chair next to the window, and as if some magical attraction was emanating from it, Regina's fingers brushed the scuffed leather of Emma's red jacket a moment later. She had said she wanted to feel like herself again. The thought brought tears to Regina's eyes again, and before she could start crying, she took a deep breath and withdrew her hand. Her chest continued to ache nonetheless as she once again took a seat by Emma's bed and stroked her fingers.

"Hey," Snow finally whispered as she put one hand on Regina's shoulder from behind and held a coffee mug out to her with the other.

Regina looked up at her; she hadn't realized that over an hour had passed in the meantime, during which she had been silently staring at Emma and stroking her. "I lost track of time, sorry," she said immediately as she realized that Snow had been waiting outside all this time. Sighing, she reached for the cup. "Thanks."

She shook her head, however. "No problem, really." Her gaze slid to her daughter, who lay motionless in the hospital bed and had never looked more fragile. "Were you able to talk to her?"

"No," Regina replied curtly, and stood up. She needed to move when she got restless, and besides, she felt as if she had Snow's daughter on her conscience by not paying attention. She should have known her well enough to know she was about to do something stupid. Almost mechanically, she sipped the hot drink.

As Regina moved away from the bed, Snow stepped closer in return and gently stroked Emma's head. She didn't miss the way her skin burned from the fever. "Emma, we're here. You're not alone, do you hear me? Keep fighting, sweetheart."

Regina felt more miserable with every word Snow said. How could they ask Emma to keep fighting and fighting? None of them knew how she really felt, and their trip into the woods had only shown anew that she was desperate. "I'll wait for you outside," she finally said, addressing Snow, and headed for the door. She could no longer bear to see Emma so broken and to hear Snow continue to keep on at her, as if all she had to do was fight the infection and then all would be well. As she took a seat on one of the benches outside the door, she tried to imagine how Emma would decide. They had never talked explicitly about what the doctors should or should not do in such a case, since neither of them had expected that they would not at least be able to talk about it together when the time came. She only had her vague statement about not wanting to be kept alive by machines when she was already in bad shape. And after experiencing Emma that day, she didn't want to put her through any more than she already had to endure. Her girlfriend had shown clear defensive behavior and felt disturbed by the respirator mask. Therefore, she found it inhumane to take the next step as well. Regina felt nauseous as she realized what she was about to do. Slowly, she walked to the nurses' station and inquired about Dr. Heart. When she was told she could be found in her office, she knocked there a short time later and entered when she was invited in.

"Regina, is something wrong with Emma?" the doctor asked in surprise, looking up from the file that lay unfolded on the desk in front of her. "Please, have a seat."

Regina lowered herself into the chair across from the desk and stared unblinkingly out the window. "I've been thinking about what you said," she explained monotonously, without looking at her. "I don't think she wants to be kept alive come hell or high water. She's exhausted. Her body can't take it anymore. I don't want to be the one to force her through this hell just because I'm not able to let go."

"Those are very reasonable considerations, and it's good that you've addressed them. You just shouldn't make any decisions while you're as agitated as you are right now," Heart stated quietly.

"Then you disagree?" Regina finally looked in her direction.

The oncologist shook her head. "This has nothing to do with any opinion of mine. You have given very good reasons, but it is still important that you are fully aware of the implications. Sleep on it for a night, talk to your family. They all know Emma better than I do and will surely make the right decision in the end. Also, we are still talking about a worst-case scenario here. Maybe invasive ventilation won't be necessary at all."

"Do you really believe that?" Regina asked straight-faced, looking at the doctor.

"I don't know. No one can. We have to be prepared for all eventualities and everything else remains to be seen," she replied honestly.

Regina sighed and chewed on her lower lip out of a nervous tic. "Snow will never agree to my decision," she then almost whispered.

"Legally, she doesn't have to. The power of attorney has your name on it, Regina."

"That may be, but she's still Emma's mother. What kind of person am I if I make a decision like that over her head?" she asked more to herself, not really expecting an answer.

"You're making a decision for Emma and the way you think she would decide herself," Heart opined. "And as harsh as that may sound, this is not about Snow, it's solely about Emma."