Chapter 51
"Do you want something to drink?" Regina was relieved that Emma hadn't immediately resisted when Ruby had called and asked if she could visit her. Emma had been barely recognizable since her discharge from the hospital two days earlier, and Regina feared that soon she would not be able to help her sufficiently and Archie would have to pay her a visit.
Emma spent her days and nights almost exclusively on the sofa or in her bed. She couldn't manage to sit upright for more than a few minutes, and when she did, she soon became short of breath. That and the onset of dizziness kept reminding her that pneumonia had nearly killed her. "Not for me, thanks," she declined, pulling her blanket further over her.
"I don't need anything either. Thank you, Regina," Ruby then replied as well, giving the mayor a wry smile that was meant to be encouraging. She hadn't seen Emma for a long time and it hurt to find her friend so changed. She couldn't even imagine how Regina must feel.
"Do you want to stay for dinner?", Regina wanted to know.
"Oh, no. I have to work later, before that I want to shower and change," Ruby explained immediately. "But thanks for the offer."
"You don't have to cook because of me either," Emma responded monotonously. Just the thought of food turned her stomach upside down.
Regina snorted. "I get it. If it were up to you, our refrigerator would be empty and we'd all be feeding on air." With that, she returned to the kitchen, shaking her head.
"She's just trying to help," Ruby tried to stand up for her, turning to Emma.
"I know," the latter whispered without looking at her.
Ruby eyed Emma and then hesitated a bit before gently placing a hand on her forearm. "I really hope for your sake that you feel better soon."
Emma twisted her mouth into a pained smile. "I hope so, too." She hadn't known for a long time how to think positively and reassure Regina and Henry that she was keeping her nerve. Even though her doctor said she hadn't caused her condition herself, she realized how pointless and stupid it had been to get in the car and drive into the woods. But at that point she had felt like she was going to go crazy if she didn't manage to prove to herself that she was still capable of doing something normal and had given in to that urge in a knee-jerk reaction. Now, however, she was paying for this moment of weakness with utter helplessness. The illness had left her in such a bad state that she was lying around on the sofa while she had visitors, something that had been absolutely unthinkable for her even at the beginning of her disease, even at Christmas. Emma sighed and then let her head roll back around on the pillow to Ruby. "I don't want to kick you out, but I'm really tired."
"Okay, then definitely get some rest now. It was good to see you," the young woman said hastily. "I mean... that we could talk after all this time," she added quickly when she noticed Emma's skeptical look.
"Yeah," Emma replied tonelessly with a dull look, putting a hand to Ruby's back as she bent over her to hug her in her lying position. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass on walking you to the door today."
"I'll find my way out, don't worry," Ruby smiled and hurriedly picked up her purse from the windowsill where she had set it down. "See you around, Emma." She was already at the front door when she called out a farewell to Regina.
As the door slammed into the lock, the tension also fell from Emma and her face contorted into a grimace of pain and anger.
"Ruby was in a real hurry now," Regina noted at that moment, coming back into the living room with her cooking apron over the dark blue sweater she was wearing. "Emma, are you all right?" she then wanted to know and hurried worriedly to the sofa when she saw her girlfriend's pinched expression.
"The usual," Emma only replied, pressing her hand against her upper left abdomen as she tried to breathe away the pain between clenched teeth.
Regina eyed her with a deeply furrowed brow and gently stroked Emma's head. "I'll get you a pill, okay?"
Emma nodded and tried to slightly change her position on the sofa, but was unable to do so due to the acute pain and her general weakness.
Regina noticed her efforts and helped her turn onto her side.
Immediately, the pain subsided somewhat and Emma was able to breathe more freely. "I wish I had frozen to death in the woods," she muttered to herself in disgust, closing her eyes.
Regina clenched her teeth tightly and pretended not to have heard the words. Instead of saying anything in response, she fetched Emma's painkillers and some water and slowly put her girlfriend upright a little more.
Emma winced and grimaced with pain, but didn't let a sound pass her lips as sitting up only made her pain worse. She quickly swallowed the medication and then dropped weakly back onto the sofa with her eyes closed.
For a while Regina eyed her silently before stroking her head. "Is it because of Loraine?"
"Huh?" Emma made, opening her eyes a crack.
"Maybe you don't even notice, but you're giving up on yourself."
"Am I? Because I'm not as active and cheerful as usual? I don't know if it's escaped your notice, but I almost died of pneumonia and now I feel like I can't breathe every time I try to move more than my fingers," Emma retorted sharply.
"It hasn't just been like that since pneumonia," Regina whispered, her eyes sad. "You've been nothing but depressed since Christmas, and then that crazy action when you left with the car. I've never been in your situation, but I beg you, focus on yourself and not on Loraine or anyone else."
Emma's anger gave way to tears. "You want me to pretend she never existed? We became friends, we went through the same shit, and now? Now she's waiting for death and I have to pretend I'm on the mend. But I'm not, I'm fucked up beyond belief! You think I met Ruby today because I wanted to? I did that for you, so you could worry less about me and what do you do? You accuse me of giving up on myself!"
"I didn't mean that as an accusation!" Regina returned, stiffening her spine. There was no way she was going to burst into tears in front of Emma right now. "I just don't want you to equate yourself with Loraine and give up. Because she's not waiting for death, she's finally feeling better without the treatments and enjoying the time she has left. You, on the other hand, can have a whole life ahead of you with Henry and me if you keep hanging in there. Isn't that worth something?"
"Yes, it is," Emma whispered. "Regina, I don't wanna give up," she then continued quietly. "If that's how you interpreted it, then I'm honestly sorry. I'm just insanely exhausted. I'm so exhausted that the effort puts me off more than the nausea when I'm supposed to be eating," she admitted, looking away from her girlfriend. "I know Heart says I can't lose any more weight and how hard you're trying, but even threatening to force-feed me won't change anything. It's not stubbornness that makes me refuse to eat, I'm just... I just can't take it anymore, Regina."
The lump in her throat grew larger and larger, especially now that Emma was talking to her so openly and without anger about how she was feeling. "I wish you would talk to me about it more often."
"You know how hard this admission is for me. I don't want to be weak."
"And you're not. No one who fights as hard as you do is weak," Regina nodded and leaned over her to press a kiss to her forehead.
Emma enjoyed the tender gesture and twisted her lips into a wry smirk. "Can I hope to get a real kiss, too?"
Relieved, Regina nodded and gently placed her hand against Emma's cheek before their lips touched. If this disease were a curse, Regina probably would have broken it with that kiss; her heart was so full of love for Emma that she felt she could do anything if she just stayed with her forever. But instead of a golden wave of magic bursting from them, Emma audibly struggled to breathe as they parted again, catapulting Regina back to bitter reality. "Just breathe, I'm here, okay?"
Exhausted, Emma closed her eyes and just nodded, barely visible, while trying to get enough oxygen into her lungs. Her fingers clung weakly to Regina's wrist, as if afraid she might leave her alone if she didn't.
"Easy, the pain will subside in a minute," Regina whispered, not sure if she was trying to reassure Emma or more herself.
"Regina?" it sounded from the doorway to the foyer at that moment.
Regina turned questioningly to her sister's voice.
Zelena nodded her head slightly toward the foyer. "Can we talk?"
Desperately, Regina looked down at Emma.
The latter opened her eyes weakly and nodded, barely visible. "It's okay, go," she whispered.
"I'll be right back," Regina promised, squeezing Emma's hand and rising from the couch to join her sister.
Zelena went ahead into the kitchen and finally stopped beside the table with her hands on her hips, where she turned to Regina.
"What's that supposed to mean? She needs me now! What do you want?" she snapped at her sister.
"Regina... Things cannot go on like that," Zelena said in a calm voice, her eyes fixed on Regina's. "Can't you... help her somehow?"
With a bitter laugh, Regina propped herself against the kitchen counter and brushed her hair back from her face with her free hand. "Seriously? You're taking me away from her for this?"
"I know her doctor switched her meds and that the painkillers are working better again, but... Honestly? It doesn't look like it. Isn't there anything else that can be done?" the redhead wanted to know, taking a few steps closer to her sister.
"It's her... her lungs and..." Sighing, Regina ran her hand over her face and swallowed her tears. "The infection has taken the last bit of her strength and the chemo has destroyed her nerves. It's no wonder she's in pain and has no will to live," she whispered, staring into space.
Zelena took a deep breath and pulled her sister into a tight hug. Gently, she stroked her back and buried her hand in the hair of the back of her head. "It's not just her nerves, though, is it?"
"No," Regina stated tonelessly, who broke free of the embrace and took a seat at the table instead. "Her bones, her muscles... It would be easier to list what doesn't hurt her. And at that, I'm sure she doesn't even tell me about everything."
"Isn't there anything that can be done?"
Shrugging her shoulders, Regina propped her head in her hand, elbow on the table. "Maybe a warm bath would relax her muscles a little. But the bath itself... well... it's probably too straining for her."
"And what if it's not? If she would agree?" Zelena asked eagerly.
"I'll never get her in there, let alone out. She's too weak for that and I'm not strong enough." Angry with herself, Regina gritted her teeth tightly.
"Okay, so if it's just that, then ask her. After all, I'm here too, and if that helps her, then we should try that."
Astonished, Regina raised her head and tilted it as she looked at Zelena. "Where does this eagerness come from?"
"Even though sometimes you still pretend that I don't have feelings, I'm sorry to tell you: I have! Do you think I don't care how Emma is doing? I'm in this house a lot too, especially at night, and I assure you: the walls are really thin. I can hear her whimpering in pain when you're in bed and even if I wouldn't care about her, you do. I'm not blind, I can see what this is doing to you. You love her and you have to see her suffer and I can't let that happen."
"And what are you going to do about it?" Regina sighed.
"Help you. The two of us can definitely get her out of the tub, she hardly weighs anything anymore," Zelena indicated, putting a hand on her shoulder as she looked at her firmly. "Ask her and don't let her turn you away. Surely she'll say no, but you said yourself that it would do her good, so let's give it a try."
"I don't know, Zelena. I don't want to push her into doing more things she doesn't want to do," Regina said uncertainly, looking up at her. "Neither you nor I can understand how she feels. Every movement is torture for her."
"And so is lying around, you said so yourself once," she interrupted her. "I'm not talking about forcibly throwing her into the tub. I just don't want you to be fobbed off with a simple no, but to try a little harder. Your powers of persuasion have usually been pretty good." She added the last part with a smirk.
Regina took a deep breath and stood up. "I can give it a try. But for now, I have to go look after her and see if the painkiller helped." With that, she pushed past Zelena out the door and was back with her girlfriend in the living room a moment later.
Emma's breathing had calmed down a bit, but the pain that still plagued her body despite the medication wouldn't let her sleep. "Is everything all right?" she whispered when Regina was with her again.
Nodding, Regina took a seat from where she had stood up earlier and gently stroked Emma's side. "Yes, everything's fine. How are you feeling in the meantime?"
"A little better," she replied, wrestling a brief smile from herself for Regina's sake. The painkiller was doing what it was supposed to, but it wasn't enough. It never was. "What did Zelena want from you?"
Sighing, Regina hung her head. "She... said she was willing to help us."
"To do what?"
Regina slowly lifted a shoulder, then looked at Emma again. She literally squirmed under her gaze. "Of course, she sees the state you're in, too, and I told her that a bath might relax your muscles a little."
"No!" Emma immediately replied brusquely with a shake of her head. "You won't do that, think of your back. I'm no help to you and once I'm in there you'll never get me out!"
"Exactly," Regina calmed her and took her hand. "That's why Zelena offered to help us."
"I don't want that," Emma said overly clearly, looking her girlfriend firmly in the eye.
"Are you afraid it will be too much trouble? I understand that completely. But we could make it as easy as possible for you, so you don't have to exert yourself at all. I'm sure the warm water would do you good," Regina said quickly, who still had her sister's words in her ear.
Emma nodded and took a deep breath before biting her lower lip as she shifted her position. "I know all of this. And I trust you guys. But I still don't want you to depend absolutely everything on me. You've been having repeatedly back and neck problems lately and don't deny it, that's not a question, it's a fact. What do you think that comes from? You're constantly having to help me up, move me, lay me down... I... I don't want that, Regina. I don't want you to ruin your body for me." Tears welled up in her eyes, which she weakly covered with one hand as her shoulders shook.
"And I want you to feel better," she replied calmly, reaching for Emma's free hand. "Look, I understand your concerns, and you're absolutely right: I have to be careful not to strain myself. I've never really been muscular, and that hasn't changed. All the sitting at my job isn't doing my back any good either. But that's something we can do. After all, if David takes you upstairs later, I'd help you wash anyway. Together with Zelena, we'll get you in and out of the tub unscathed without it being too strenuous for either of us, I promise!"
"You're going to do whatever you want anyway. What could I do about it?" Emma muttered, lowering her hand from her face, her gaze fixed on the ceiling. Her cheeks were covered with tear tracks, but she was no longer crying.
Shaking her head, Regina squeezed Emma's hand. "That's not true. I would never do anything that you didn't agree to. I'm just asking you to think it over because... I want to help you. Zelena wants this too. I can't accept that that's all we can do. Giving you pain pills that barely help and hoping for the best."
"Sometimes that's just the way it is, though. We have to accept that," Emma replied tonelessly, rolling her head around to face her girlfriend. Her gaze softened a bit as she eyed her expressive dark eyes, tears swimming in them. "Regina, I... I don't think I can do this."
"You don't have to. We'll help you," Regina replied gently.
Emma, however, shook her head. "That's not what I mean." Her voice was barely a whisper and she hoped Regina wouldn't interrupt her again, as she barely had the strength left to put her thoughts into words. "I'm tired. I can't take it anymore. And it has absolutely nothing to do with Loraine. I haven't been well for a long time, but lately... I can't go on like that, Regina. It feels different than before. Maybe that's what the end feels like, I don't know."
"Emma." All color had drained from Regina's cheeks as she stared at her girlfriend from widened eyes.
"I'm sorry I was obviously wrong. I thought fighting for you would be enough, but maybe it isn't. Maybe I just can't cope anymore."
"It's the pain, Emma... You can't think straight," Regina said defensively, who clung to her girlfriend's hand like a lifeline.
Emma eyed her silently and stroked her hand with her thumb. She hadn't managed to talk to her about it yet, but she owed it to her to at least share her thoughts. "I wanted to give you the world for your birthday. But what you got is a day in the hospital at my bedside," she whispered. "It's a sum of all those things. My condition and the resulting sacrifices you have to make just because of me." Briefly, she looked away from Regina and moistened her lips with her tongue before turning back to her. "We'll try this bath thing, okay?" she finally said quietly, taking a deep breath. She still didn't want to get in the tub, but she hoped she could at least lift Regina up a little with this concession. She was doing it for her, not for herself.
"Okay," Regina nodded and leaned down to kiss Emma. It was a kiss full of desperation and pain, but the feeling of Emma's warm lips on hers made sure she didn't instantly shatter into a million pieces.
