Chapter 53

Regina had been standing in the bathroom for more than five minutes now, staring at her reflection in the mirror, while outside the window thick snowflakes were swirling from the sky to the ground. Her birthday had long since passed and spring was just around the corner. Usually, the weather got better after that. But this year, the snow stayed steadfastly in their garden. Regina took a deep breath and finally, sighing, applied a thin layer of skin-care balm to her chapped lips. Since taking the sleeping pills and anxiolytics, the dark circles under her eyes had at least diminished somewhat, but she still wasn't getting much sleep at the moment, and she was still pale and easily flustered when something didn't go according to plan. She had never been a spontaneous personality, but she was not used to this inner fear and restlessness.

With a click, the door burst open and Zelena stepped into the room. "Oh, good morning. Sorry, sis, I thought the bathroom was free. I can go down to the guest bathroom."

"Morning. No, come on in, I'm ready," she replied, buttoning her blouse and swallowing her pills. As she was about to leave the room with her eyes downcast, Zelena held her by the arm. Questioningly, she raised her gaze and looked her sister in the eyes.

"Are you okay?"

Regina shrugged her shoulders and nodded vaguely. "Sure."

"Were you able to sleep tonight?" Zelena had offered several times that she too could take care of Emma at night, after all she was getting enough sleep since Robin had been sleeping through the night for quite some time, but Regina refused each time, insisting that she was only present for absolute emergencies.

"All right," she replied, but with Zelena still looking at her expectantly and her hand remaining on her arm, a long-drawn sigh escaped her. "She often wakes up because of the pain and can hardly find a position that is bearable to lie in."

Zelena pursed her lips and furrowed her brow in deep worry. "Can't she increase the dose anymore?"

"Yes, she can. But she doesn't want to. The painkillers make her even sleepier than she already is." Regina swallowed and squeezed her sister's hand briefly with a grateful smile on her lips. Her tincture had ensured that Emma's pain had been bearable for at least most of the past few days. Besides, she was glad to have her near, even if she had trouble showing it at times. "I'm going to make some breakfast, would you like me to put some out for you, too?"

"No need, thanks. I'll make Robin a little something later, and I think we'll have lunch promptly today," the redhead declined, reaching for the toothbrush.

Regina hesitated for a moment in the doorway.

"Is there anything else?" Zelena wanted to know, turning to her again.

"Do you have anything planned for today? I... wanted to leave for a little while later and..." the brunette started, but was immediately interrupted.

"I'll stay with her, no problem."

"Thank you." Regina smiled wryly again, then closed the door behind her to give her sister her privacy. Henry had already left for school two hours ago, and she admired him for never asking if he could stay home, which she would have understood perfectly. In the past she would never have had such thoughts and had always insisted that he went to school, but by now she felt that every day he didn't get to spend with Emma was a waste. Although she still pushed the thought that Emma might die far away from her, she wasn't a clairvoyant or a doctor and so all she could do was wait and hope, neither of which were exactly her strong points.

When she arrived in the kitchen, the first thing she did was turn on the coffee machine and the kettle, and then grabbed a roll and some cheese from the fridge. While the coffee was still brewing, she loaded a tray with a slice of buttered toast and a cup of herbal tea. Since Emma preferred her tea lukewarm or cold, she could prepare it ahead of time regardless of when she would wake up. Just as she took a seat at the table and took the first sip of her coffee, she heard Zelena leave the bathroom again and then for a moment heard Robin's squeaky voice and how Zelena responded before the sounds were locked away by the closing of the door. Regina allowed herself a brief smile; Robin really was her sister's everything and she was glad to have them both in her life.

After she had finished eating and cleaned up her dishes, she climbed the stairs again to check on Emma once more. Quietly, she pushed open the bedroom door and was surprised when her girlfriend returned her gaze. "You're already awake," she noted in a low voice, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"What time is it?", Emma wanted to know and briefly glanced at the window, through which, however, she could only see the thick snowfall. The dull gray sky did not allow any conclusion about the time.

"A little before ten."

She gave a short laugh. "And you call that 'already'?"

Regina shrugged one shoulder and then, smiling, leaned over her to press a tender kiss to her lips, which Emma returned with her eyes closed. "You're a late sleeper and you were up a lot last night... So it's still early," she then replied.

Emma's gaze took on a sad expression. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Hey, no. Emma, I didn't mean that as an accusation."

"I know that. But I'm still sorry I'm depriving you of sleep. By now I feel like everyone exists just to serve me," she muttered wanly, then propped herself up on her elbows with strain.

"We're your family," Regina reminded her, helping her into the seated position she couldn't make it to on her own, despite the raising aid. "That's where you help each other."

"That's right, each other. But I don't do anything while the rest of you does everything." Frustrated, she stared at the aids at her bedside.

"You don't always need something in return for everything. Besides, you're doing a lot better now than you were a week ago. Now, enough of that. Do you want to go to the bathroom?" she changed the subject.

"Is my dad here yet?" Emma wanted to know first.

Regina shook her head. "No, I think he wanted to let you sleep in first."

"To the bathroom then," Emma nodded before shrugging her shoulders. "He doesn't have to comply with that in addition, I can sleep on the couch. Optionally on the kitchen chair, too. After all, I sleep everywhere all the time by now." When Regina had helped her to the edge of the bed and her feet touched the floor, she closed her eyes again and took a deep breath.

"Do you want me to get Zelena?" Regina wanted to know, gently holding her by the shoulders.

Emma shook her head and then held onto Regina with one hand while she propped herself up on the mattress with the other. "Give me a second, I'll be fine."

Even though Regina was pretty sure Emma would always say that she would be fine, even if she possibly wasn't, she kept silent. She was glad her girlfriend had regained the will to make it on her own. "Just tell me in time when you're not anymore," she merely asked her, then held her upright with all her might as Emma shuffled, leaning on her, to the next door but one into the bathroom.

As soon as they arrived, she dropped onto the stool, gasping for air, and leaned against the sink. "Thank you," she gasped, struggling to breathe slowly and deeply to get her breathing back under control.

"I'll help you," Regina stated quietly, who knew that Emma was actually dismissing her with her thanks, but who knew equally well that she would never ask her for help on her own. Since her girlfriend didn't protest either, but just looked at her with a dull gaze, she interpreted it as tacit permission and carefully pulled the pajama top over her head before washing her off with gentle circular motions of the washcloth.

"I need to change the dressing and flush the catheter," Emma stated as Regina was already dressing her again. Although she hadn't had to do anything the whole time, she was already infinitely exhausted again, so that even the doorknob of the cabinet in which they kept the dressing materials slipped from her fingers when she tried to open it.

Regina watched her as she failed the second attempt as well, before she intervened with a heavy heart and took out the utensils herself. "Will you tell me what to do?" she asked her quietly. While she had covered the bandage many times when she had showered or bathed Emma, she had never had to change it completely. So far, either the nurses had done that, or her girlfriend had done the dressing change herself.

Emma pressed her lips together and nodded, before she looked away from her full of shame. "First you have to remove the old bandage and spray everything generously with disinfectant," she began, trying to convince herself that it wasn't her girlfriend, but a nurse who had forgotten how to do her job. It hurt too much to think of the reasons Regina had touched the well-formed curves of her breasts in the past and why she was doing it now.

Only a few minutes later, Regina had managed to apply a fresh, wrinkle-free dressing, flush the catheter with shaky fingers, and wrap Emma in her comfortable sweatpants and a sweatshirt. She hoped she hadn't noticed her nervousness and was more than happy that Emma had regenerated enough in the meantime that she could almost manage going to the toilet on her own and she only had to help her stand up. She wouldn't have minded really, and after all it wouldn't be the first time, but she knew that Emma could only take a certain amount of humiliation at once.

"Have you had breakfast yet?", Emma wanted to know as they once again left the bathroom seemingly in slow motion.

"Yeah, I was going to head out later and run a few more errands."

Emma stopped and frowned. "In this weather? Wouldn't you rather wait until the heavy snow stops?"

"Regardless of the weather, I have to cook something," she pointed out with a grin. "And just because I'm the mayor, I don't think they're going to open the stores on Sunday only for my sake."

Sighing, Emma tilted her head before leaning it against Regina's shoulder. "Please just drive carefully, okay?"

Regina nodded, but was unable to respond as at that moment David came up the stairs taking two steps at a time. "Good morning, ladies," he greeted them, "Zelena let me in."

"Hey, Dad," Emma smiled, willingly letting him pull her into a hug.

David returned his daughter's smile, enjoying the way she snuggled against him for a moment before he glanced over her shoulder at Regina. "Are you guys ready yet? I can wait a minute."

"No, we're ready," Emma replied in Regina's place, putting an arm around her father's neck. As he lifted her, she struggled to make herself as light as possible, ignoring the gnawing thoughts in her head that seemed to circle incessantly within, whispering to her how useless she had become.

David was quite gentle as he effortlessly carried Emma downstairs where she slid into her wheelchair. "Are you comfortable, sweety?" he then assured himself, pushing aside the knot in his stomach that stirred like a wild animal every time he saw his gravely ill daughter.

"Yeah, it's okay," Emma confirmed as usual, looking up at him. "Thanks, Dad. Will you stay for breakfast?"

"I'm afraid I have to leave right away, actually my shift started a long time ago," he replied apologetically.

"Sure. You have to work," Emma nodded, swallowing past the lump in her throat. "Be careful in this weather." Again, she felt like sinking into the ground with shame. Every morning her dad came to carry her down the stairs and every evening to carry her back up. He went to work on the side, and she feared that her mother and brother hardly got to see him because of her.

"I'm always careful," he nodded reassuringly.

Before he could leave, Emma grabbed his hand and pulled him down to her so she could hug him again. "Thank you for doing this for me. But please don't forget about Mom and Neal, okay? You don't have to come every day, I... I can sleep downstairs or I can just stay upstairs for a while."

"Emma, it's okay. I'll be happy to do that for you," he assured her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "See you tonight."

"See you tonight." She held back the sigh that was building in her throat and just watched him leave the house through the front door, swallowed by the swirling snowflakes, before the door slammed shut again.

"Do you want something to eat first?" Regina's soft, warm hand landed on Emma's shoulder, stroking it once briefly.

Emma smiled wryly and lifted her eyes to her girlfriend. "Don't want to, but I guess I should," she replied, putting her hands on the wheels of the wheelchair to manoeuvre herself weakly into the kitchen. "You don't have to stay until I'm done." She looked to the tray Regina had prepared for her, which she now brought to her at the table. "You said you had errands to run, and Zelena is here after all. I'm sure she'll help me if it becomes necessary."

"A moment ago, you were most reluctant to let me go at all, and now you want to get rid of me as soon as possible?" Regina asked in an attempt to joke.

"If you leave faster, you can come back faster too," Emma pointed out, smiling wryly at her.

Regina curled her lips and set her medication out for her girlfriend. "Alright, just as you like... Enjoy your meal then. I'll see you later. I love you." Hands on her cheeks, she leaned toward Emma and kissed her.

Emma returned the kiss and nodded. Her eyes followed her girlfriend and she couldn't help but notice that she would have given anything to be able to go outside right now. The child in her longed to run through the wildly swirling snowflakes, build a snowman, and drop into the endless white to make a snow angel.

"Anyone here?"

Confused, Emma looked up at Zelena, who was suddenly standing next to her with Robin in her arms. She blinked once briefly and nodded. "Sure. I was just thinking. Good morning, you two."

Zelena sat her daughter down in her high chair and put the bib around her neck before setting the bowl of already prepared porridge down for her.

Instantly, the little girl began to work her food with the spoon, most of it ending up in Robin's face, but at least some in her mouth.

"Has my sister left yet?" Zelena repeated the question she had already asked when Emma had not been listening to her.

"Just gone." Emma watched Robin for a while before reaching for the cup of pills and pouring them into her mouth. She felt like there were more every day, but since Regina was meticulous about what she took and when, she didn't waste any more thought on it. She just hoped that her pain would subside a bit before she got so tired anyway that she would have to lie down again.

Zelena brewed herself some tea and then joined them at the table. "I was thinking I could cook something today. Then Regina won't have to do that too when she gets back."

"Sounds good to me." Still staring at the toast, Emma had no appetite, nor was she hungry. In the past, even when she'd caught a cold that had others long since laid on the sofa not wanting to eat at all, she'd still had an appetite and hadn't imagined that would ever change. Yet here she sat now, not knowing how she was going to get this tiny portion down. "Aren't you going to eat?" she finally asked, turning to Zelena, who had put her hands around her teacup to warm them on it.

Shaking her head, she wiped Robin's mouth clean with a damp cloth. "I'm not much for breakfast," she admitted. "When you've never had enough to eat, you don't suddenly need three sumptuous meals a day."

Emma looked up at her, but remained silent. It was very rare for Zelena to talk about times before they met, and from the way she was now chewing on her lower lip, Emma could clearly tell that she wasn't going to elaborate on her statement now either. "Just be glad Regina isn't making you eat too," she thus said with only a half-hearted smirk, nibbling on a corner of the toast.

"I'm sure she's just trying to keep you from having to go to the hospital for malnutrition," Zelena indicated, meeting Emma's gaze.

"It's not on purpose that I'm not eating," she muttered, plucking small pieces off the white bread and popping them into her mouth. "It's so exhausting," she sighed, "and I feel sick all the time, and I don't have an appetite."

"Hopefully that will change soon. We should still celebrate Regina's birthday sometime, and you already had to watch us eat at Christmas."

Emma smiled. "It's been a long time since the last chemo, and slowly but surely I feel like things are at least starting to get better a bit. So we can hope."

Zelena returned her smile, then stared down at the buttered slice of toast with her nose scrunched. "Does she begrudge you more, or do you really not want any toppings?"

"As long as she doesn't go back to making me smoothies that you then microwave, I'm fine with anything."

"You're going to rub that in my face forever, aren't you?" Zelena rolled her eyes and took the spoon from Robin, scraping the last bits of porridge from the bowl and shoving it into her mouth.

"That's right. But not because I'm resentful. By now, I just think it's funny," Emma countered, finally letting go of the half-eaten slice of toast. "I'm sure you'd like to take Robin out for some fresh air... Don't let me stop you."

"You wish," Zelena laughed out. "Do you want my sister to make me a head shorter for leaving you alone?"

Emma rolled her eyes and slowly moved the wheelchair backward away from the table. "What's going to happen? You think I'm going to fall out of this comfortable vehicle?" she asked sarcastically, staring at her legs in disgust. She hated being dependent on the wheelchair. She used it only to avoid causing more grief to Regina, who had begged her not to get up again without help for fear of falling. Had it been up to her, she would have crawled rather than admit that she could no longer muster the strength to walk.

"For instance," Zelena nodded wryly and sighed before turning serious again and lifting Robin onto her arm. "Seriously, Emma. Anything could happen to you at any time... Robin and I can go outside later, after Regina gets back, right?"

Emma was silent, still staring into her lap.

"Can you really not understand me one bit?"

"Yes, I can." She looked up and met the concerned gaze from Zelena's ice-blue eyes. "The question is more whether you can understand me, too. I'm 33 years old and I can't walk, I'm tired all the time, and everything, just everything, hurts me. All of that together is bad enough, but you know what's worst? I don't have a second to myself anymore because I need a watchdog 24/7. I already can't remember what that felt like, to be alone at least for a moment."

Sighing, Zelena lowered her wriggling daughter down to the floor, whereupon she immediately scrambled off to explore. "I understand what you mean. But I'm asking you to discuss this with Regina and not with me. She trusts me and I'm not going to jeopardize that. I'm sorry." Her apologetic gaze rested on Emma for a few more moments before she hurried in behind Robin.

Emma glared after her and then, with a few weak arm movements, pushed the wheelchair until she came to a stop in front of the window. Longingly, she folded her arms on the window sill and rested her chin on them to at least have the illusion of being able to go outside whenever she wanted.