Precipice by shadowsong26


Part 4: Commander

Commander: Chapter 14

By the time Anakin and Rex got to Tatooine, the painkillers had mostly worn off, which meant every move he made sent shooting pain up his thigh, bad enough that his vision greyed out at the edges a couple times. So he wasn't all that inclined to argue when Rex insisted on a speeder instead of eopies, or when he refused to let him drive. The heat wasn't helping, making him even dizzier and lending a disconcerting haze to everything he saw; when the light from the suns wasn't trying to dig its way past his skull, adding to the pounding headache the drugs had left behind. Between all of that and the way the horizon kept tilting dangerously, it was a lot easier to just close his eyes, rely on Rex to find their way, and focus on not passing out.

You can do this, he told himself. Come on, remember why you're here. Keep it together. For Leia.

They got to the farm-a whole hell of a lot quicker than they should have. Or maybe he'd fallen asleep for a while; despite having apparently done not much else for the last day or so, he was still bone-deep tired.

But then Leia's presence emerged like a third sun on the horizon-which meant they were practically on top of their destination; he and Obi-Wan had taught her basic shielding as soon as they could so no one would find her that way-and he came more or less fully awake in response.

He opened his eyes when the faint whine of the engines cut off, and Leia was standing right there, wide-eyed and tense, a spiky tendril of alarm twining through her.

He squelched a stab of guilt as best he could and smiled. "Hey, princess," he said, ruffling her hair. "Missed you lots."

"Missed you, too," she said, then the next thing he knew she was perched on the speeder itself, clinging tight. Her breath came shaky in his ear and he thought he heard her sniff a little bit.

"Hey…" he said again, hugging her close. "Hey, it's okay, princess. It's okay, I'm here." He did his best to project calm and reassurance at her- see, Daddy's fine, I'm here, I made it, just like I promised, don't cry, everything's gonna be fine -but he wasn't all that sure it was working.

He was vaguely aware of Rex coming up behind Leia and murmuring something he couldn't quite catch, and then Leia let go and jumped down off the speeder.

"We should get inside, sir," Rex said, quietly, once she was clear.

"Yeah." He got an arm around Rex's shoulder and braced himself to move and it was awful. For a split second, the pain was almost overwhelming and then he was vertical, clinging to Rex with his eyes squeezed shut against the swirling sky.

Still conscious, at least. That was a plus.

Although he must have been closer to the edge than he thought; he barely registered what was happening when someone-Beru; that was definitely Beru-slipped under his other arm a moment later, helping Rex support him, other than a fresh burst of pain and vertigo as his weight shifted. He bit back a faint moan-Leia was right there, and she was already upset, scared, which was not why he was here. As soon as he got inside and stopped moving and the horizon settled a little bit, he could reassure her, and then-

He probably blacked out for a minute then, because the next thing he knew, he was settled on one of the sleeping platforms inside, under what was probably the softest blanket they had.

Cautiously, he opened his eyes-everything was still fuzzy on the edges, which was a little discouraging, but at least it wasn't as bright in here. Which helped with the headache, a little bit. Kept it from getting worse, anyway.

His leg, though, was still burning, even when he was trying not to move. And, yeah, it wasn't as bad as-

Automatically, he shied away from that comparison; latched onto another, slightly less devastating.

It was worse than when Dooku had taken his arm. Which was not a good sign, but probably not because Specter had done any more damage himself, but back then he'd gotten treated a lot faster, which-he wasn't stupid. He knew that made a difference, he knew this time would have been worse than before, even with all the resources of the Temple to help, and without that-just, he knew things were pretty bad right now. For all Obi-Wan liked to lecture him about being reckless and ignoring medics when he got himself blown up (which, really, like he could talk, Anakin remembered what had happened at the Second Battle of Geonosis, okay)-but he...there were things that were important, things that he had to do, and anyway he could take the pain, so-

"Daddy?" Leia's voice cut through his thoughts, bringing his attention back where it belonged, to the most important thing in his life right now. She was hovering at his side, watching over him; had probably sensed him starting to wake up.

She sounded-she sounded like she'd been crying.

Damn it. He mustered as much energy as he could and half sat up, gritting his teeth against the wave of dizziness and propping himself up on one arm. "Hey, princess," he said, dredging up a smile for her that hopefully didn't look too forced.

A burst of relief shone out of her-not quite enough to totally overcome her worry, but better than nothing-matched by a brilliant smile of her own in response.

"Hi, Daddy. Here," she said, pressing a cup into his free hand.

"Thanks," he said. He pressed it against his forehead briefly before drinking it, but it wasn't quite cold enough to help with the headache, or that fever Rex had pointed out when trying to talk him out of coming here. Though, on second thought, that was maybe for the best-he vaguely remembered Rex mentioning to-someone; he was having trouble sorting through much of anything after his duel with Specter with any kind of clarity, at least up until the point where he'd woken up in that clinic, mostly lucid except for the drugs. And the fever. Which was-maybe higher now? Or maybe that was just from the heat outside; how long had he been out?

The point was, he thought Rex had mentioned hypothermia, and it made sense, since he'd been left exposed on the icy mountain for a while. Which wasn't Rex's fault, of course, since he'd had to climb down to where Anakin had fallen and then figure out how to carry him safely back up the sheer cliff, it was just-a thing, that had happened, making everything worse. But, anyway, probably the last thing he needed right now was another temperature-related shock, so it was good the water wasn't too cold. Or-something.

Focus. He pulled his scattered thoughts together as best he could, and handed Leia back the empty cup. He noticed that it wasn't exactly steady, but he wasn't totally sure if he was shaking or if that was just the way the room was spinning.

Say something. "Sorry about earlier," he said. Because Leia would probably be upset if he let himself drift and talking helped him stay alert. "I didn't, uh, I shouldn't have faded out like that."

She shook her head. "You're sick." She gripped the cup a little tighter, and her lower lip trembled just a little bit.

"Hey-" he said, holding out his hand. "C'mere, it's okay."

She hesitated half a heartbeat, then scrambled up onto the platform next to him, careful to skirt around his injured leg. Which didn't stop the pallet under them from shifting, putting different pressure points on the wound. He saw stars for a few seconds, but at least he didn't pass out again.

"Daddy?"

"S'all right," he said, blinking rapidly to clear his vision. "I'm all right."

She didn't look at all convinced, but she nodded anyway and nestled close, putting her head on his shoulder.

"It's really gonna be okay, princess," he promised her. "I'm gonna be fine."

"Okay," she said, then took a slightly shaky breath. "Only-only you wouldn't wake up, and you've got a really bad fever, a-and-"

"I'm awake now," he said. "And-look, I've been hurt worse than this before, okay? And I got-I got better then, so I'll get better now."

But that was-that was-that was a bad thought to have, because the First Battle of Geonosis hadn't been worse than this and so he tried to route his brain to Maridun instead which sort of had, with mixed success. Probably because it was-it was the anniversary, and his grip on sort of everything was sort of tenuous right now, and anyway bringing it up didn't actually seem to comfort her at all, so why was he stupid enough to-

He needed to shake off those ghosts, fast, before they took over completely. Not easy at the best of times, and the stupid kriffing fever wasn't exactly helping.

Good thing Leia was here, because her presence was helping. Just like always. And he wasn't about to lose a good chunk of her birthday to-memories. Especially not when he'd already spent way too much of it unconscious.

He took a breath and started to drag himself further upright. "You know, I'm here now, and I'm awake, and-and it's your birthday, so why don't we-"

"Daddy!" She pushed down on his shoulders, and-okay, yeah, it probably wasn't a good sign that his tiny six-year-old barely had to put any pressure on him at all before he collapsed back. "You're sick. You're s'posed to stay in bed 'til your fever goes away. Aunt Beru said."

And some combination of that tone she used, the one she had right from the beginning, when she picked up on him wallowing in self-pity or thought he was being an idiot; and the way she was glaring at him, and looked so much like-so much like her mother in that moment-

He gave in.

Especially because-well, now that she felt like she was doing something, that seemed to cut through her anxieties more than anything else he'd tried. Which made perfect sense to him. Feeling helpless was-as long as he was doing something, as long as there was something to do, as long as he felt like he was fighting back against whatever was going wrong, it wasn't that bad. Leia was like him that way.

And he was here for her. So there it was. He'd stay in bed and let her boss him around for a while, if that would make her less upset.

Plus, the room was still sort of wobbly, and everything hurt, and he was starting to get a little nauseous thanks to one or the other.

"All right," he said. "All right. Uh." He tried to think of something else to suggest, something to keep his mind from spiraling into a dark place where he could not let her follow, and then remembered-he should have it in his pocket, and...yes, there it was. Leia's present; he could give it to her now.

Normally, they did this outside-they had a whole ritual about it, where he'd take her out a little bit into the desert, until it was only the two of them and the sands and the sky, and he'd tell her its story. Because he got her the same thing every year, ish-he kept an eye out for wood or stone with interesting patterns on his missions, and then spent his spare moments carving it into a shape that would appeal to her. It helped him feel close to her, when he was away so much, and he thought-he hoped -it helped her feel less disconnected from him.

This year, about six months ago, he'd been on a planet with dark pink crystalline forests, the trees stretching up hundreds of meters until he couldn't see the canopy above them. The branches' cross-sections were pentagonal, so he'd cut off a piece of one that had fallen to the ground, and spent hours smoothing and polishing it, so the corners weren't so sharp and the imperfections where the heat from his 'saber had warped it looked decorative, rather than defective.

"All right," he said again, pulling it out of his pocket while moving as little as possible. "I know this isn't how we normally do this, princess, but if you won't let me get up…"

She shot him a look.

He smiled, took her hand, and carefully placed the crystal in it; it was almost as big as her palm. "Happy birthday, princess."

She blinked, then really looked at the stone in her hand, and then brightened a little. "Wow," she said. "It's really pretty, Daddy." She snuggled against him again.

"I thought so," he said, and kissed the top of her head. "I'm glad you like it."

"Where's it from?"

"A long, long way away from here," he said. "Uncle Rex, Uncle Obi-Wan, and I got very, very lost in a forest, while we were looking for..." He trailed off, frowning, the thread of the story slipping out of his grasp, which was ridiculous-he'd had the whole story planned out and rehearsed for weeks.

We were looking for-what were we looking for when we got lost? Okay, think. I remember the way rain sounded like chimes, and the look on Obi-Wan's face when he fell into that creek right before the shooting started...

He hadn't quite gotten it back when the door opened; Beru interrupting them.

"Leia, sweetheart, Uncle Owen needs your help outside."

Leia looked up at Anakin, then over at Beru, her jaw taking on a very familiar stubborn set.

"Go," he said, before she could actually start arguing. He didn't really want to fight with Owen right now. He ran a hand through her hair-it was definitely shaking now; not good. He let it drop back down onto the bed, clenching his fist to make it stop. "I'll be here; tell you the rest then."

She looked back at him, now a little conflicted. "Promise?"

"Yes."

"Okay." She very carefully climbed down again. "Don't move," she added severely, when the pain faded and he could focus again. "I'll be right back."

He nodded, which just made his head spin again. He closed his eyes and waited for it to pass; which it did, after a few seconds, leaving a wave of utter exhaustion behind. Keeping up appearances for Leia must have taken more out of him than he'd thought.

The door opened and shut again, and then he heard Beru approach before feeling her hand resting cool on his forehead. It felt nice, for a moment, before she took it away.

"You feel up to eating something?" she asked softly. "You should probably try."

That idea did not appeal at all. "Maybe later," he managed. Because she wasn't wrong-fever burned up a lot of energy, and it would probably help with the dizziness. Assuming he could keep it down, which was not-not a sure thing right now.

"All right," she said. "Water, though. And this." She held up a pill bottle to show him. "Fever reducer. Might help with the pain, too, but I don't think I have anything strong enough to do you any real good there."

"Yeah," he said. She handed him the pill, then helped him sit up to drink it down, which hurt-noticeably less than when he'd tried it by himself, at least. He still hissed a little at the movement; had to pause for a second and wait for the room to steady before accepting the water.

"Sorry," she breathed, and eased him back again.

"S'fine," he said. A cold trickle of sweat was starting to work its way down his spine; that would hopefully stop once the pill kicked in.

She nodded and sat down next to the bed. "Ani, what are you doing here?" she asked. "You're supposed to be in a hospital. You need to be in a hospital."

He-probably should have expected that. He sighed. "I need to be here," he said. "For Leia. I promised her I would never miss-"

"She'd've been upset either way," Beru pointed out, and he winced a little. Because, yeah, Leia had been very upset; he probably wouldn't have needed the Force to see how worried she was about him, which wasn't exactly the plan, he was just-just dizzier than he'd thought he would be, that was all. "So you didn't have to pick the risky, stupid option," she went on. "I don't know if it's better or worse for her right now, and we'll probably never figure that out, but for you-"

"I'm not-" he interrupted, then caught the look on her face. "I can-I can handle it. I couldn't-I needed to-be here."

She sighed. "Because you needed to see her as much as you thought she needed to see you."

He flinched; that hit-that hit a little too close to the mark, even though he hadn't seen it until she'd said it. But once she did, it was-inescapable. Because he had needed this-seeing Leia made everything better, seeing her always had, and especially this week- if he focused on his daughter, he couldn't fixate on everything he'd lost, and that was on a normal year; with everything-with everything about Specter thrown in, too, with the stark, harsh reminder of all the things he'd done and failed to do, of how much more could have been lost-

Selfish, echoed alongside his too-rapid heartbeat. All of this is your fault anyway, everything that happened to the Order, the way the Chancellor ruined that kid, it's all on you, because you let him in, because you couldn't bring him down when you had the chance, you are a terrible Jedi, failed Chosen One, and you lean on your six-year-old child for comfort what the hell kind of father are you-

Beru's hand landed on his and squeezed very gently. "Anakin," she said, like she'd said it four or five times already. "I didn't mean that-I wasn't trying to-I get it, okay? I know I haven't been through a fraction of the horrible things you have, but when something awful happens, I have the same impulse. Hell, even when it doesn't happen to me, or Owen, or you, or-when it's just something I've read about. Especially if there are kids involved. To reassure myself that there are still good things in this world, or just that-just that she's still there and okay. That's normal, Ani."

He blinked at her, hazily. "But-" he said. "But-but I don't want-"

"Believe me, if I ever think you're leaning on her too much, I'll tell you," Beru said firmly. "Because that's not healthy for either of you. Okay?"

And Beru wouldn't lie to him. Not about that. She loved Leia too much for that. So even if it wasn't enough to totally kill the guilt-not that anything ever was-and even if his pulse was still racing uncomfortably under his skin, it was enough perspective to slam that kriffing voice back where it belonged.

"Okay," he said.

"Good," she said, and squeezed his hand again. "But-look, just because I get why you did it, doesn't change the fact that this was a stupid thing to do, Ani. You could have called."

"S'not the same," he said. And it probably sounded weak, and it kind of was a terrible excuse, but it wasn't the same, and he didn't think he could explain that to someone-to someone who didn't have the Force, who couldn't feel the things he felt. Besides, he might have been more able to hide how he felt over comms, but that was no guarantee that Leia wouldn't see through him anyway. So what was the point of only calling?

Besides, he'd promised, and that still mattered. If he was going to upset her either way, at least he hadn't betrayed her trust, too.

"All right," she said. "Then she could've come to you. You could've just sent Rex to pick her up."

No. No, no, no, he could not have done that. Because, for all Leia's insistence that she was-that she could help, she was still too little, and there were so many risks, so many people who could see her, could make the connection, maybe even track back to Luke and Padme, too, and-

He shook his head rapidly and regretted it when the room kept moving long after his head had stopped. "S'not-not safe," he forced out through gritted teeth, gripping the blanket so tight he heard his metal hand creaking at the strain, waiting for the vertigo to subside.

"And this was?" she asked.

"For Leia."

"And how, exactly, does risking your health and safety like this protect her?" she shot back.

"I-it's-I…"

She let that hang in the air for a minute, then softly said, "Look-she did need to see you. Does need to see you. She was watching the horizon all day, waiting for you to come home. I'm not about to pretend that she didn't. But, Ani, she's going to need to see you next year, too. And the year after that. And for a long time. So you have to take better care of yourself, okay?"

Which-he wasn't dying; his fever would be a lot higher if he were actually-actually septic or something and…

And Leia had been scared.

He looked up at the ceiling, which was wavering in a completely different way now.

She sighed, and reached out to brush his forehead again. "Get some rest, all right? I'll be close by if you need anything."

"Okay," he whispered.

She squeezed his hand one more time, and he shut his eyes, listening to her quietly slip out of the room, leaving him alone.

For a moment, the silence weighed on him and he tried to keep it from swallowing him up, from leaving him with nothing but that murmur of guilt, keeping time with his heartbeat. But with no one to talk to, nothing to distract him, it was-hard.

Until the meds Beru had given him finally kicked in, taking just enough of the edge off that he couldn't even focus on that anymore; fever and exhaustion winning out and dragging him down into dim, uneasy dreams.


Original Author's Notes: As I've mentioned, I know very little about medicine, so please look kindly on any mistakes made there. So sorry for the late update; this chapter took longer (and is longer) than I thought it would. 3

See you guys next week! (Which will finally involve Obi-Wan and Ahsoka joining them, I promise!)

~shadowsong


Repost Note: We are now officially half way through the story. Hope you all are still enjoying it!