Eighteen
It has happened.
He has returned.
Albus knew it would happen.
Severus felt it in his bones.
They both knew it was inevitable, nothing they could do would stop it.
The fear, bone-chilling panic, the pain in his arm as Potter and Diggory grabbed the cup in the center of the maze. He knew in his soul that something was wrong, he rushed to Albus, desperate for something to be done. By the time they had their bearings in order, a plan of some sort formulated, Potter and Diggory had materialized outside of the maze. The crowd roared, not yet aware of what he knew to be true.
Diggory was dead.
Murdered.
By The Dark Lord.
Severus removes his cloak, places it over the boy's body. A vain attempt to give the child some semblance of privacy, a partial attempt to keep his father from having to see the terrified look on his lifeless face.
He was too young, they all were.
Severus is tired. He has been tired his entire life. He would give anything in the world to go back in time, change his mind, never join. If he could just get his hands on a time turner, he would shake his younger self, tell him what all was at stake. He was so poor, so desperate for things to be different. Malfoy and Mulciber gave him an out, promised him that his life would mean something, that he would be someone. Goddamn did it sound good. Looking back now, it was too good to be true. He had nothing to lose, he had hoped that Lily would forgive him, see that he was not truly one of them, he only needed some prospects and then he was out for good. It wouldn't be forever, it couldn't be. She told him over and over again that Avery and Mulciber were no good, that they would be the ruin of him. If only she knew how right she was.
Before he knew it, he was face to face with The Dark Lord. Avery, Malfoy, and Mulciber had told Him how talented he was, what a shame it was that he was a half-blood. The Dark Lord was taken aback by this, but soon saw just how talented he was, told him what good he would do. How could Severus refuse when he told him to hold out his arm, prove to Him how badly he wanted to be a part of his family. That's what he called them all back then, his family. What a fucking family. It wasn't as if he would be torturing or murdering people. No, he wasn't the muscle, he was the brains. He simply needed to spy, brew the occasional potion when called upon, and relay messages. He wasn't hurting anyone, not physically, anyway. That's what he used to justify it, if only Lily would just listen to him, he could explain it. She would see, he was not a bad man, his soul was still intact.
The word slipped out before he could stop it. He didn't mean it, truly, he didn't. He was just so frustrated, so tortured, so humiliated. He wanted someone, anyone to hurt as badly as he did, and Lily was there, and his words were daggers. Dear god, he wanted to take it back the moment the word left his lips. He had begged her to please just give him another chance, but she wouldn't. It broke his heart, shattered him, pushed him further towards Mulciber and Avery, had him staying at Malfoy Manor instead of going back to Spinner's End.
Severus just wanted Lily to understand what they had put him though. Truly see the pain they had caused him, but she wouldn't, couldn't. She was blind to it. When word got out that she was actually dating that swine Potter, he was taken aback. Hadn't she turned him down time and time again? When he heard that they had married, it broke something inside of him forever.
When Lily stopped speaking to him, he took that anger out on his mother. She didn't deserve it; he was a stupid kid. Severus blamed her though. Blamed her for marrying a Muggle, for staying with him all those years, letting him torture them. He only went back to Spinner's End at the end of seventh year to issue her an ultimatum; come with him and rebuild the Prince name, or she would never see him again. She was dead for months at that point and he hated himself. For months he plotted just how he would kill Tobias, what would be a painful enough death that he truly deserved. When he finally had the answer, he went to the place to issue Tobias' death warrant and learned that he was already dead. Drunk himself to death. Severus almost lit the home on fire and danced on its smoldering remains. But he couldn't, something inside of him screamed to make it his, to make it better. So, he did. Maybe it was to torture himself, or perhaps it was some fucked up way of healing long buried wounds.
If Severus had known that the prophecy he overheard was about Lily, he never would have relayed the message. He would have gone straight to the Potter's house, begged them on bended knee to just leave, protect themselves, never trust Wormtail. Lily wasn't even pregnant at the time, and he didn't even hear the full prophecy before being caught and thrown out, it could have been about anyone! Months later, when The Dark Lord decided that it was about Lily and her son, he panicked. Knew that it was his fault that He even had that information. Of course, he went directly to Albus, he had no other choice. He needed to protect her, but he failed.
Severus knows that the girl is not Lily, it is a fight he struggles with daily. She is intelligent, and far kinder than her father could ever imagine being. While she struggles with wandless magic, and apparently apparition as well, she more than makes up for it in Herbology and Potions. The girl signed up for apparition lessons, much to his pleasure, he was able to sit in on a few lessons and got a front row seat to her countless failed attempts. There were no spliced limbs or missing chunks, she simply did not move. Severus watched as she closed her eyes and scrunched her face in concentration, each time growing redder and redder in frustration and embarrassment when she opened her eyes to find that she had not moved. Part of him wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it, the other part of him wanted to sit her down and tell her just how brilliant she was at every other aspect of her life. She had a full breakdown in his brewing room later that evening, ranting, raving, pacing. He had never seen her so unhinged, so close to a fit of rage. She was positively glowing in frustration and anger.
"Is there such a thing as a partial Squib?" She asked him, eyes wide with fury, hair plastered to her reddened face with sweat. She was unrecognizable; possessed even.
"No, Miss Black, there is not."
"There has to be. There absolutely has to be because that's what I am!"
"You are not a Squib, Miss Black."
She laughed, a guttural, maniacal laugh that chilled him to the bone. There he was, Sirius Black, clawing his way out of the depths of her being. Severus took her by the hand, so small and warm, and sat her on a stool. After several moments, she placed her head in her hands and sobbed. It took several moments for her to compose herself, at which point she told him how terrified she was of failure. How afraid she would be cast out of the wizarding world, the sleepless nights of worry over having nowhere to go after she graduated. He wanted to pull her in to his arms and tell her how truly brilliant she was, how proud she made him. Severus just wanted to tell her that she had a home to go to after term ended, that he had paid for it himself. He couldn't. He simply gave her a mug of tea and sent her to bed, eyes red with tears, where she would undoubtedly lie awake the rest of the night in worry.
Madam Rosmerta found a home for her. It took two long weeks, but she finally wrote back with the address. Severus went to view it himself, to ensure its safety and proximity to Hogsmeade. To his surprise, it was only a short walk from The Three Broomsticks, he could look out of the bedroom window and down at its back entrance. If she were in any sort of trouble, all she would have to do is open the window, and shout. Madam Rosmerta, or one of her patrons would hear, and come to her aid. Just as he promised, he paid Madam Rosmerta handsomely for her involvement, paid for eight months' rent in advance, and slipped the key and address into the envelope containing her N.E.W.T scores. A simple white lie, which Albus produced, ensured she would be under the impression that the Ministry secured the home on her behalf. She would never know that it was actually him.
"Severus, my friend. I was beginning to think you were lost to me."
Severus bows deeply at His feet and prepares himself for him impact. He will be punished for being late, but he had to prepare himself.
"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, My Lord."
"Oh, Severus. How thoughtful you are. Tell me, where have you been?"
"My lord," Severus clears his mind, pushes the girl out of every thought and memory, and rises to meet His eye. "I simply needed to ensure our position."
"Our position?"
"Yes, My Lord. If I had left as soon as you called, Dumbledore would know why. I would lose his trust, my position at Hogwarts. We would no longer have inside knowledge of his plans." His head began to swirl and throb, memories flashed at speeds he could not process, Voldemort was in his head, as he predicted.
"Severus, always so loyal. Always so obedient."
Severus paces Albus' office, the students will leave the castle tomorrow morning. Tonight, however, he is to escort Miss Black to Grimmauld Place to meet Sirius Black.
"Perhaps, Severus," Albus begins, his icy blue eyes filled with wonder and curiosity, "I should be the one to accompany Miss Black."
"No!" He shouts, perhaps a bit too loudly. Fawkes ruffles his feathers at the outburst and swoops from his perch and up towards the ceiling, sending red feathers in his wake.
"She will be arriving momentarily, Severus. You must calm yourself."
"I am calm." Severus grits his teeth and takes a seat across from Albus, just as the door swings open and Miss Black cautiously makes her way towards them. Only two short years ago they were in this same office, her demeanor much the same.
"You asked to see me, Headmaster?"
"Yes, Miss Black. Sit, sit. Might I offer you a lemon drop?" Albus gestures to the bowl of lemon candies in front of him as the girl takes her seat next to Severus and eyes him quizzically. She turns down the offer of lemon drops, despite constantly helping herself to the bowl of cinnamon disks he leaves in his brewing room.
"Miss Black," Albus begins, timidly, "we have been fortunate enough to establish your paternity."
"You….You have?" The girls eyes light up, she turns to him with a wide grin on her face. He wishes desperately that he could be happy for her.
"He wishes to meet you. If you are interested in the reunion, that is."
"He…he wants to meet….me? Really?"
"Yes, only if you are open to it."
"Yes! Yes I am! When? When can I meet him?" She is already out of her seat, practically jumping for joy.
"Is tonight an agreeable time for you, Miss Black?"
"Of course! Yes!" The girl claps her hands, actually claps them like a small child.
"Miss Black, I must warn you of something beforehand."
Her eyes sadden, afraid of what she will hear, then widen in terror when his name is uttered. Of course, she knew who Sirius Black was, everyone did. Now, she's learning that he is her father. Still, though, she agrees to meet him, and now, he must as well. Apparating to Grimmauld Place was quick, waiting for her breathing to regulate itself took several moments. She didn't vomit this time, but stayed glued to the spot, staring at the house as it pushes numbers eleven and thirteen out of the way. She still gripped his hand tightly, refusing to budge even when he attempted to pry it out of hers. She was afraid, terrified even. Finally, he takes the lead and practically drags her up the stoop. The door swings open before they even knock, a house-elf on the other side mutters something about blood traitors before being chased off by Lupin who was waiting a short distance from the door. She releases his hand, leaving it chilled and empty. Before they can step foot inside, Lupin stops them, raises his finger to his lips in a shushing motion, and slowly tiptoes to the door to greet them.
"You must walk carefully, stay as silent as possible. We can't get a…particular portrait down."
Lupin turns and shows them where to step on the boards to keep them from creaking too loudly. The girl trembles beside him before filing in directly behind him, gripping the back of his cloak as if her life depended on it. The house reeks of rot and decay, cobwebs and dust fill the air, making it impossible to breathe. A short walk down the hall, he spots the portrait in question sporting a tattered blanket strewn halfway across the front. The occupant inside mutters something unintelligible before shrieking. The blanket had somehow shifted, a single eye glares down at them from a large hole in the blankets fabric before it falls to the ground. "MUDBLOOD! IN MY HOUSE! TRAITOROUS SPAWN INVITING A HALFBREED IN TO MY HOME! IN TO MY BLOODLINE!" The girl jumps and grips him around the waist tightly before burying her face in his back. Lupin rushes them through an open door and slams it behind him. He leans against it, closes his eyes, and slides down to sit on the floor, all while the portrait rages on the other side. The girl unglues herself from his spine and peers around the room. Lupin stands now, just as the door they had come through opens a crack, and Black slinks in.
"Snivellus. How g-"
"Don't call him that!" The girl snaps. Sirius looks taken aback, Lupin's eyes dart between Sirius, Black, and Severus before finally walking forward, clasping Sirius on the back, and motioning them all to sit.
"I'm sorry, Miss Black. Sni- Severus."
The four of them take their seats along the great wooden table in the room. A large pot of tea sits in the center of the table, Sirius busies himself with it before finally giving up a folding his hands in his lap.
"I must apologize for the outburst you heard. We have been rather unable to remove the vile thing from the wall. Kreacher likes to corrupt everything we put in place to silence her disgusting mouth." He shouts the last part over his shoulder, directed, apparently, at Kreacher himself undoubtedly lurking outside of the door.
"It's….I understand." The girl remarks almost too quietly.
The room is awkward and tense, everyone eyes one another suspiciously. Finally, the girl clears her throat and asks every question that has been seared into his mind for the last seven years.
"Who is my mother?"
"Her name was….is….well….I'm not sure which it is to be quite frank. Is. We will go with is. Her name is Rose. Rose Evans."
Rose Evans. Lily and Petunia's first cousin on their fathers side; her father and Mr. Evans were twin brothers. Rose would come stay several weeks each summer at the Evans' home. Each Christmas, Lily and her family would make their way to Edinburgh for a week. Lily would return with grand tales of castles and Loch Ness Monsters. Severus and Lily planned to run away together, forge a castle and take it as their own, live together as king and queen; Petunia would be allowed to visit, only on special occasions, Rose could come and go as she pleased. Absolutely, positively, no parents allowed. They would eat ice cream for breakfast, cereal for dinner, never clean behind their ears, and itchy wool jumpers were banned without question. They were twelve years old, and it was a solid plan. From what he remembered of Rose, she looked strikingly like Lily, except with blue eyes. A trait from their fathers, as Lily received her green eyes from her mother. Severus knew the three Evans girls had floral names to honor their grandmother, Iris, who had passed away when the girls fathers were small children. He knew that Lily planned to name her own future daughter Iris, to commemorate her. She never got the opportunity.
"I met her when I was seventeen. Summer before seventh year." Sirius continues. "I was staying with my friend, James Potter. The Potter's were always very kind to me."
Sirius stops, a far off look in his eye, before Lupin brings him back to the present and he continues.
"Anyway. James was dating Lily, and we would sneak out to go meet Lily at the park by her house. Typical teenage stuff, you know? One night, she brought her cousin, Rose, with her. I was smitten, instantly. She was too. We were inseparable that summer. She was a few years older, I thought I was so cool."
Sirius grins out of the corner of his mouth and chuckles to himself. The girl sits there, engrossed in the story.
"Well, it went on like that until it was time to go back to Hogwarts. Lily told her we all went to the same boarding school in Scotland. She was a Muggle, you see. Of course, Lily's sister, Petunia, knew what we all were, and she hated it. Lily loved Rose; she didn't want her to have the same reaction Petunia did. A couple months go by, and we leave Hogwarts for Christmas, I tried to find Rose but couldn't. I was heartbroken over it. On the train back to Hogwarts, Lily tells me that Rose had gotten 'into some trouble.' I didn't know what it meant, so she had to dumb it down for me. She was pregnant. That's what everyone called it back then. Getting into trouble. I freaked out, you know? I was a kid! Times were dark, real dark. I was afraid. I told Lily that I couldn't be responsible. I was afraid. Not only about a kid, but because if You-Know-Who found out, especially since I had proved to be a 'blood traitor' as it was called, He would have killed her. You too."
Sirius gestures towards the girl with his chin then looks down at his hands knotted in his lap before standing and pacing the room.
"I did what I thought was best. I thought it would be better for her, for you, if I wasn't in the picture."
"What happened to her?"
"I don't know. The Evans' were killed in an automobile accident the summer after seventh year. James went to the funeral, I didn't, but I should have. He told me Rose was there with the baby. With you. That you were beautiful." Sirius smiled then, remembering the moment. "He told me that Rose asked after me, and he told her I would write to her, that I would like a photograph of you. She gave him one. It was of you and her together. She was holding you above her head and you were smiling down at her. I kept that photograph with me for years. I don't know what became of it when I was arrested."
Sirius gets that faraway look in his eyes again, slams his hand on the table, and storms from the room. Lupin rises from his seat and apologizes before picking up where Sirius had left off.
"He is still adjusting; he gets like this sometimes and must go be alone. I was aware of most of the story, having been there too. I was at the funeral. I held you for Sirius. You were so small."
"You knew? The whole time, all last year, you knew?" The girls voice cracks, Severus glances at her to see a small tear rolling down her cheek.
"Yes. I wanted to tell you, truly, I did. I saw you in my class that first day and it took my breath away. You look so much like Rose. Like Lily. It's hard for Sirius. I warned him before you came. I told him how upsetting it could be for him."
"He mentioned James Potter. James Potter, as in, Harry Potter's father?"
"Yes. James Potter was married to Lily Evans, your second cousin. That would make Harry your third cousin."
"What happened next?"
"Sirius wrote to Rose; he carried the letter around for weeks. He never sent it. He and Lily discussed it, it was just too dangerous. Lily would relay messages as she could, but you have to understand. It was wartime. Things were dark. Families were hunted down, killed for no reason. We couldn't….he couldn't risk that. We are unclear about what happened next. We don't know how you came to be where you were. We have a theory, but it is just that, a theory."
"Explain." Severus clears his throat and sneers the word at Lupin.
"We think that Wormtail turned her in shortly before turning in Lily and James."
"Who is Wormtail?" The girl asks, eyes darting between Severus and Lupin, sensing the tension between the two men.
"Wormta-Peter Pettigrew is his name. He was a friend of ours. He turned. Gave Lily and James up."
Sirius Black never reemerged. Never saw them off, and never said another word to his daughter. Upon leaving, the girl lingered in the doorway for a moment, perhaps hopeful he would come to say something to her. Finally, she turned to Severus, took his hand, and the two apparated back to Hogwarts.
Once back, the two sit in silence in his office, each going over the events of the evening. How had he not thought of Rose? It was obvious, now. However, the last time he sat eyes on Rose Evens, he was fifteen, she was eighteen with bleached blonde pixie cut, a nose ring, and a fake tan. She looked nothing like herself, nothing like Lily. Her true image had been lost to him, until Sirius brought it back.
"I won't see you again, will I?" She looks into his eyes kindly before shaking her head and smiling shyly. "I shouldn't have asked that. I'm sorry."
"I do not know, Miss Black." He hoped they would cross paths. Somehow be able to brew a potion, discuss a book.
"Thank you. For everything. You don't know what it has meant to me, Sir." The girl looks to be on the verge of tears again as she looks around the room, trying to burn each corner to her memory.
Black excuses herself to bed, Severus reaches into his desk drawer and produces a book. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. He passes it to her, but she simply shakes her head.
"I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't possibly finish it tonight."
"Keep it."
Black takes the book from his hands and clutches it to her chest. The smile she gives him fills his heart with such warmth and joy.
So much like Lily.
