(Rachel)
The auditorium was full, not packed. It was a larger audience than we expected for the 3pm slot. We were the fourth choir to perform. The third group, Strawberry Fields from Salen High Oregon, was performing a Taylor Swift song. They weren't very good, in my opinion. The song is adolescent, sweet and too weak, despite the artist in question being one of the most successful, commercially speaking. It's not my thing, and from the chilly reaction of the audience, I'd say the Oregon school would have trouble qualifying. When the light first went out in the waiting room, it was the five-minute signal for us. I could feel our team's apprehension growing.
Finn had that faraway, lost look in his eyes. Soon he'd start pacing back and forth and then he'd go through motions like he was going to start warming up for a football game. Artie was snapping his fingers, Tina was looking at everyone like she was angry, Lauren was exercising with a hand grip, Mike was stretching, Kurt had that look like he was going to run out, and Quinn was leaning back in a chair like she was feeling sick. I looked at Finn. Then I looked at Quinn. I wanted to lean on someone before I went on stage and it couldn't be either of them. That left Santana.
"How are you?" I asked my sister who was doing some vocal warm-up exercises.
"I'll finish them." Her confidence was always noticeable in these moments.
"Hopefully, because if you wobble, I'll kill you."
"Rachel... relax... I organized this setlist just right, didn't I? It won't be the first time I've led."
Santana would be the lead voice for the round. It was a gamble to use the joke "what if Amy Winehouse sang Lou Reed in The Velvet Underground" and the one who had the closest voice timbre to what was intended was Santana. Of course, I forced her to do exercises with me every night to improve her vocal techniques.
The lights flashed. Signal for us to go down the aisle to the stage. The boys in our band were already positioned. Our performance would have the classic drums-guitar-bass lineup, but with a slightly heavier, more pulsating arrangement than the original. Act 1: drugs.
Everyone rushed to their starting positions, with Santana front and center on the stage. Counting down, the boys start playing at once. A deafening wall of sound is formed that gradually lowers in volume as the curtain opens. The lighting is dark at first, with a spotlight on a Santana dressed in jeans, black converse and a black tank top. The mash-up was the relationship between the user and the dealer. Santana would act as if she was the user, while Artie and Noah would take turns as the dealers. The rest of us would do the backing vocals and the rest of the acting, as if it were a number from a Broadway musical, with the proper proportions taken into account.
"I'm waiting for my man/ 26 dollars in my hand/ Up to Lexington, 125/ Feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive/ I'm waiting for my man". While Santana sang the first verse alone, we started to evolve behind. The lights were dancing, evolving. The wall of sound was firm, but not overpowering the voice. Artie and Noah join my sister, taking turns between verses of the second verse. "Hey, white boy, what you doin'uptown?/ Hey, White boy, you chasin'our women around?/ Oh pardon me sir, it's the farest from my mind/ I'm Just lookingin' for a dear, dear friend of mine". And they all sing together "I'm waiting for my man".
The coral interferes more in the third stanza, the lights are clearer, brighter. "Here He comes, he's all dressed in Black RP shoes and a big straw hat/ He's never early, he's always late/ First thing you learn is you always gotta wait/ I'm waiting for my man". Then comes the second song, with an altered arrangement to better suit the first song. Santana sang while we harmonized with her. "We passed upon the stairs, we spoke of was and when/ Although I wasn't there, He Said i was his friend/ which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes/ I thought you died alone, a long long time ago / oh no, not me/ we never lost control/ you're face to face/ with the man who sold the world"
Artie and Santana intersperse again while the rest of the choir did their part to sustain harmony. "Up to a brownstone, up three flights of stairs/ everybody's pinned you, but nobody cares. He's got the woks, gives you sweet taste/ ah then you gotta split because you got no time to waste". And everyone sings "i'm waiting for my man". Gradually we return to our starting positions, the light darkens and Santana has the ground again. "baby don't you holler, darlin' don't you bawl and shout/ i'm feeling good, you know i'm gonna work it on out/ i'm feeling good, i'm feeling oh so fine/ till tomorrow, but that's Just other time/ i'm waiting for my man". And our presentation ends with Santana acting out the drug use. The band stops and she starts a cappella.
"Hello darkness, my only friend/ I've come to talk with you again/ Because a vision soflty creeping/ Left its seeds while I was sleeping/ and the vision that was planted in my brain/ still remains within the sound of silence. " The choir girls join Santana and we continue a cappella. "In restless dreams I walked alone/ Narrow streets of cobblestone/ Neath the halo of street lamp/ I turned my collar to the cold and damp/ When my eyes were stabbed/ by the flash of neon light/ that split the night/ and touched the sound of silence."
Santana "dies" onstage the boys remove her "body" while we, the girls, take over the next verses. "And in the naked light I saw/ ten thousand people, maybe more/ people talking without speaking/ people hearing without listening/ People writing songs that voices never share/ and no one dare/ disturb the sound of silence." Finally all the members of the choir (including Santana "resurrected"), female and male voices, unite for the final verses of "Sound of Silence" a cappella.
We heard the auditorium erupt in applause, with those present welcoming the end of our presentation standing up, because it was the most original of all. We ran to the center of the stage and took a bow of thanks. More than that: I felt we were in, that we would be back on Friday. When the lights came on in the aisle and the curtains closed, the movement was intense for the next chorus. The guys in the band barely turned off their instruments and other musicians were already there to take their place, except for the drums, which were the same for everyone. But we let ourselves stay there for a while to celebrate and let the adrenaline subside.
It didn't even seem like Sam had an elbow ache over Quinn, that Artie avoided being around Santana for too long because he was still resentful over his breakup with Brittany, that Finn and Noah were acting weird, that Santana and Quinn were too close to go out on a limb, or that most of the choir just tolerated me. Finn wrapped his arms around me, lifted me off the ground, and spun me in the air. Then he gave me a quick kiss on the lips in front of everyone.
"Please clear the area." One of the organizers ordered and we obeyed to avoid problems like fines and disqualifications.
We left celebrating between the dressing room and the halls until we reached ours (which was to be quickly vacated).
"So Rachel, did your daily torture to get me to do the exercises pay off?"
"I'd say it was a job above expectations." I smiled and hugged Santana. God knows how hard it was to make this creature work, and at the same time be prepared to run at the slightest sign that she was going to jump on my neck to gulp me down.
Mr. Schuester entered our dressing room in high spirits, giving high fives.
"Guys, you were superb. I wanted to smack myself for almost not allowing that number."
According to the rules, at least the captains and the choir director had to be there when the results were announced, so the rest of the team was excused to enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening. Even Finn and I could go away and not come back until the announcement time. But I wanted and needed to meet the other contestants, and Mr. Schue would do the same. Finn opted to come back later. But not before trying in vain to talk me out of it. Quinn, to my surprise, took her camera out of her backpack and stayed.
"I'm going to take advantage and record some images. Maybe I'll catch some unusual things?" Quinn said in an almost indifferent tone as we bought mineral water. Whenever she kissed me, she acted as if nothing had happened afterwards. I frowned. I thought it would be impossible for her to keep up the game after confessing that she wanted to be with me. Or was she acting this way because of her most recent public kiss with Finn?
I felt like asking her, but the 15-minute break for the second block was ending. As the team dispersed, I sat in one of the unoccupied chairs right next to Mr. Schue and focused on the performances of the other teams. The second block was stronger than ours, where we were the best. The Steinbeck High choir from North Carolina was more traditionalist and less performative. But very solid and organized. Another very strong competitor was the house choir from New York. It was almost like watching the movie "Habit Change 2" with Lauryn Hill and Jay Z in the lead. I needed to take a breather at the interval.
"Are we that bad off?" Quinn met me in the foyer.
"That block of five was pretty strong, and Vocal Adrenaline hasn't even performed yet."
"Hey..." Quinn put her hand on my cheek. "It's going to work out, okay?"
"Will it? What if I fought so hard with Schuester only to be wrong in the end?"
"What I saw is that the audience gave us a standing ovation. As much as I hate to admit it, Santana, Puck and Artie went above expectations. The boys in the band did an excellent arrangement and we were able to manage very well a cappella to meet the technical requirement. There is nothing to be afraid of, Rachel."
"I wish I had your confidence."
"Let's make a bet. Without even seeing the third block, I guarantee you we'll place in the top five." I tried to counter argue, but Quinn held up her finger in warning to wait for her to finish. "And if that turns out to be true, you'll owe me a favor. I'll tell you what it is when the time comes."
"What if we can't?"
"Then I'll owe you a favor."
I looked at her still in her jeans and black Iron Maiden t-shirt. She was beautiful, even when she was underdressed. This crush of mine on her was getting serious.
"Quinn... about yesterday..."
"I know. We need to talk. Today, on the hostel terrace?" I nodded positively.
The warning bell for everyone to sit down rang. I went to the same seat where Mr. Schue and I had been earlier. Quinn sat in the row behind, but stayed away from us. The first choir, from Texas, was technically very good, but I think they made a mistake in their choice of music: Johnny Cash didn't quite fit the format. In the meantime, Finn, Kurt and Mercedes returned to the auditorium with new clothes. Then came Vocal Adrenaline, as perfect as ever, but with one key difference: Corazón Sunshine was a strange presence despite her impressive singing. In a way, I preferred Jesse and Giselle's perfect, robotic leads on stage with my mother directing. I really liked Lived Kennedys (a reference to the band Dead Kennedys) from Idaho: it was a minimal group, like ours, but more homogeneous. They did an impressive mash-up of Rihanna and Lady Gaga.
Finn held my hand at the time of the result and kissed my cheek, asking for trust ourselves. I didn't want to look at Quinn, who was right behind us, along with Kurt and Mercedes. It seemed like a deliberate cruelty, but the organization decided to announce from 10th to 1st in the auditorium (later they would make the same list available on the event website). The first five went by and no New Directions. The choir from North Carolina ranked sixth. To the surprise of myself and others, Vocal Adrenaline was announced in fifth place. Their director didn't look happy. The group from New York was fourth and my nervousness only increased.
"In third place was New Directions from Lima, Ohio."
Finn immediately hugged me and lifted me off the ground for the second time that day. He, I, and mr. Schue walked up to the stage to pick up the symbolic "medallion" that gave access to the next phase. The card meant a symbolic prize of 100 dollars, distributed to all the teams that went to the second round. It was at least enough to pay for the hotel room. Most importantly, we were ranked third out of 15 best competitors in the country. Lived Kennedys came second. The winner of the first round was New Beats from Riverside, California. It was a surprise to me because I even considered the number with Bruce Springsteen music good enough to qualify. But in fact, although they didn't give an eye-popping performance like ours, technically they were perfect, which was the most important thing in the first round. I also took that as a sign that the nationals would bring surprising results in some way. I just don't know if it would be for good or for bad.
…
I couldn't wait to get to the hostel and finally have my conversation. I needed to understand this twisted relationship I was building with Quinn. I had to think hard about whether I really wanted Finn to have a place in my life as a boyfriend or as a friend. That's why I chose to go back to the hostel alone in one of the van seats because it would be hard to be next to her or Finn while my mind was messed up in the love field. Finn was clueless about my recent double affair, and Quinn had that "I'm the big bitch" look that she does better than anyone: very hard to interpret what's behind it. Anyway, as soon as Quinn gave me a signal, we were off to that roof to have our chat.
"Schuester." One of the band kids ran up to us in the hall. "Trouble."
He led us to one of the rooms, where some kind of ruckus was going on. We saw Santana, Noah and Sam drunk and partially naked playing strip poker against two other guys and a girl from the opposing choir. There was a sizable crowd around as well as two empty vodka bottles.
"EVERYONE, OUT!" Schuester shouted. Just then, their director arrived, not happy at all. Soon the room emptied out. "GET YOURSELVES OUT NOW!" And he turned more discreetly to me. "You better go help your sister before I suspend her."
"You're not really going to suspend her, are you?"
"Santana and the others will have to be punished somehow."
"Perhaps this unpleasant incident should stay between us." Coach Wang said as she helped the lead singer to his feet. But I noticed that he seemed more sober than he appeared. He could do the number four with his legs if ordered. "I'm sure each team can handle their own." Of course, she would tone it down, since her team was also went to the next phase.
Santana was in bad shape, just in her panties and bra. She put on her blouse with some difficulty. Brittany and I had to help her put on her pants. I saw that some girls were helping the other girl, who was only in her panties, while the boys managed by themselves and they looked… fine? Noah appeared to be sobber. I interpreted that as odd. It was as if they had put something in the girls' drink and then done something to them. I could expect that from the boys in the other choir, since I didn't know them. But from Noah? I found it odd that he and Sam didn't protect Santana. I also wasn't sure I wanted to confront him about it, since my sister needed help right away. I put Santana's arm over my shoulder and helped her out of that room. Quinn assisted me, clearing the way.
"I told her not to play!" Brittany brooded. "But she never listen to me! Even so..."
"Even so what, Brittany?" I pressed her.
"Santana only had three shots. She's not that weak with booze."
From Brittany's explanation, my theory of the drink spiked with some drug started to make real sense. I wasn't going to confront the boys since nothing happened to my sister or the other girl in the North Carolina choir. But it was really weird and I completely lost trust in Noah.
"I was going to kick their asses." Santana spoke with his tongue curled. "Schuuu's a spoiler."
I offered no opinion. If I said anything directed at my sister, I'd be cursing the fifth generation of her future children for getting into this mess. It was better to leave the scolding for later.
"Britt, will you get some clean clothes from her suitcase? If the closet is locked, get clothes from my suitcase." I handed over a bunch of keys. "It's the black one..." And I looked at Quinn. "Will you help me put her in the shower?" She nodded.
"What? I don't want her to see me naked!" Santana grumbled. "That yellow one is a frustrated gay." And she turned to me as if she was going to tell a confidence, only for everyone to hear. "Be careful she's into you. I don't want to see her paws all over you, Ray... because otherwise I'll have to beat her ass up... You hear that, bitch?" she yelled in Quinn's face.
"You know what?" Quinn opened the bathroom door so he could enter with Santana. "Drunk, drugged or not, she's your problem, Rachel. I don't have to listen to that kind of crap. Brittany will help you deal with it."
I was about to get my sister out of her clothes, who was cooperating, when Brittany arrived with my pajamas, a towel, listerine, aspirin, and a bottle of water.
"We need to get her to drink water and take her meds now." She warned. "It'll make it less bad tomorrow."
Still under the shower, Santana was surprisingly cooperative. It was even odd that she obeyed me like that. As the cold stream poured over her body, Santana drank the water and medicine without insistence. As soon as Santana stepped out of the shower, I put the towel over her back, wiping it carefully. Her hair was the last we dry. I helped her put on her clothes and brush her hair. Lastly, Santana made use of the listerine. She looked better when she came out of the bathroom, still, I made sure to help her by passing my arm firmly around her waist.
"Tonight you sleep here." I sat down next to her.
"Good night..." She nestled in without further ceremony.
Quinn wasn't in the room, but Kurt, Mercedes and Tina offered to hang around and chat, and also to keep an eye out in case any emergency happened, although extra help at that point was unnecessary. I was exhausted and this Santana incident was the icing on the cake. I thought of Quinn and imagined that maybe she was on the roof. I decided to check it out and sneaked up the stairs. My intuition didn't deceive me.
"Did you solve your sister's problem?" Quinn said without even turning to me, and I was beginning to hate this habit of hers. She was sitting right on those disgusting lounge chairs.
"She's asleep."
"At least San made her opinion of me clear. Hypocrite. Anyone who sees it like that would think she was the straight captain."
"She was drunk... possibly they put some drugs in her drink. She never denied being bisexual to anyone. At least, not to her family." Her relationship with Brittany was so natural to me, I forgot that they never came out publicly at school.
"Drunks tend to be very outspoken." Quinn stood up and walked toward me. Bitch expression locked on her face. I felt cowed. "I think it's worth taking a moment to talk."
"I... I agree."
"Let me make a few things clear here, Rachel. You said I should take a stand on my relationship with Sam and that's exactly what I did. To be honest, I was only with him for the popularity, and your ultimatum in the auditorium did me a favor in ending something that was doomed from the start."
"I'm glad..."
"Shiiiiii..." She cut me off and I shut up. "What I want to make clear here, Rachel, is that I like you, and I want to be with you. My intentions are very clear, but yours, not so much."
"Don't be unfair, Quinn. You know that I like Finn, and that I still need some time to deal with all of this in the proper way. We're in the middle of nationals..."
"Then we shouldn't kiss anymore until you're settled."
"Quinn, please..." Suddenly, the possibility of not being able to kiss Quinn anymore terrified me. "You don't do it like that. You make me want... things and frankly, it makes me confused."
"Right..." She kept circling me like a predator. It was as if she waited for the answer since she didn't seem to be discouraged. "I'm glad you want me. I'm just not good at sharing, you know?" Quinn looked at me in a half angry, half serious way that I found sexy and terrifying at the same time. I just nodded. "Don't think you can hang out with me and Finn at the same time in the same way your little sister does with Brittany and Puck. If you want to be with me, then you'll be with me and no one else. The same way you demanded of me to stop playing games, and break up with Sam, I have the right to demand the same of you."
"Fair enough."
"Good. So what do you say?"
"I... I... I... could you not make that face like you're going to throw a slushie at me any minute? It makes me nervous!" Quinn took two steps back and I took a breath. "I won't kid you, Quinn. My feelings for Finn are still strong, and I don't think those feelings are going to end in the snap of a finger. But I also feel this crazy attraction to you and I have this yearning inside of me to experience something new. A new romance. To have new expectations. And you are here offering me just that. I know your intentions and I don't hide my doubts or my feelings. I don't like cheat on Finn and I can't give you an answer here and now. You'll have to be patient a little longer."
"I understand! I will give you space. But don't take too long with the answer. Right now, I could wait for you forever. But you never know if tomorrow another girl might come into my life."
"Another girl?" I frowned.
"Santana is correct about me, Rachel... I am gay."
"Oh..."
"So what about the amazement of the girl who already stuck her tongue in my mouth..."
"It's not that... look... I was raised by two dads and I have a bisexual sister... I think I'm bi myself... it's just... you can't blame me that hearing it from you, with your relationship history, isn't an impact."
"It's the first time I've confessed my sexuality to someone from school."
"Thanks for the confidence."
"Look... I need to ask you..."
"I won't tell anyone. I won't make any comments until you're ready."
"Thank you. That means a lot to me."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course!" Quinn sat back in the disgusting chair.
"How... how did you find out you were gay, if you only dated boys? Was it me?"
"That also." She smiled.
"What?"
"It wasn't an easy path, Rachel. Maybe it's simpler to kiss girls when you've had a liberal, progressive dads and relatives. That was never the case for me. I've always been attracted to girls from the time I started thinking about these things, but I could never admit it even to myself."
"That's horrible... I mean, not being able to express yourself because of your family. My family is not as liberal and progressive as you might think, but it's true that my dads have always dealt with my and Santana's sexuality in the best possible way."
"Yeah..."
"Was I the first girl you kissed?"
"No!" Suddenly my pride was hurt by Quinn's answer, and that nagging green monster of jealousy invaded my being.
"Who? Brittany? I swear she kisses everyone! She almost kissed me once..."
"I've done a lot more than kiss girls, Rachel. I've had sexual experience with a woman. Claudia helped me a lot with that. But I don't think that's a story you'll want to hear right now."
"I don't think so." I took a deep breath. I wanted to rip that jealous feeling out of me. "I'm going downstairs... it's cold and we have competition..."
"Okay... I'll stay up here for a few more minutes."
"Okay. But don't take too long. This cold might hurt your throat."
Quinn nodded, but continued to stand there, looking down at the street from the top of the building. Quinn was gay. Not just gay for me, but really gay. Lesbian. This was indeed a day full of surprises.
...
May 11, 2012
It was a good thing to have come third in the first round: the position allowed New Directions to perform in the second block, which would start from seven in the evening. Being in the prime time of the competition was a way for the organization to reward the best of the previous day, since the score was zero to everyone. Another good thing was that one could sleep all morning. Santana became ill in the early hours of the morning. She vomited and had to take a second shower because she was soaked with sweat. This reinforced the theory that they put something else in her drink. Was it an attempt at sabotage because they thought she was our main soloist?
I helped Santana as quietly as possible so as not to wake the other girls. Unfortunately Quinn woke up. She seemed to be a light sleeper, but I signaled for her to continue lying down. I had a feeling that if she tried to help, Santana might be rude to her and I didn't have the heart to put up with that in the early hours of the morning.
"Rachel, I'm not sick anymore!" Santana grumbled. In a few minutes our choir would leave the hostel to go to the auditorium. I decided to take the time to try to take some of the edge off her hoarseness with tea and honey.
"I'm not looking after you, just your throat, or have you forgotten that you're going to sing one of the songs and still do some high notes? Oh, of course you forgot! Because you decided to get up to a mess yesterday!"
"I don't remember drinking that much... I hardly remember what happened yesterday. I don't know why I was so bad."
"It doesn't matter now Santy. If you don't drink this stuff in five minutes, I swear I'll slime you and you won't have to sing anything else."
I would have liked to follow the first block of the qualifiers. But I understand that, given the circumstances, it was better to rest and concentrate as well as possible. I was concerned that our group showed signs of dejection. Noah was quiet. He had approached me earlier, explaining that he wouldn't let anything happen to Santana, and that mr. Schuester had made a big deal out of it. I rebutted that nothing would happen to her in other people's beds: only in his. Sam was also unhappy about yesterday's mess. Mike felt a little discomfort in his calf (and we made him eat bananas), Finn was confused that I hadn't allowed him to kiss me, and Artie looked like he was going to explode with nerves about his first big duet in competition. We put on our clothes. Elegant black and white clothes. Mr. Schue gave a motivational lecture ten minutes before our entrance, but my biggest boost had already come when I saw the message on my cell phone: Papi and Mom were in the audience.
No entering from behind this time, as was the team's duet tradition. Our performance began with Mike and Brittany evolving to a strong, fast-paced beat coming from the pick-ups with direct projections on the curtain. They would be the couple in a sensual situation. Artie enters on the left side of the stage and our act 2: sex, begins. "Hey girl/ is he everything you wanted in a man?/ you know i gave you the world/ you had me in the palm of your hand/ so, why the love went away?/ i Just can't seem to understand/ thought it was me and you, baby/ me and you until the end/ but i guess i was wrong."
Mercedes appeared on the other side of the stage to harmonize with Artie. "Don't wanna think about it/ don't wanna talk about it/ i'm Just sick about it/ i can't believe it's ending this way/ Just so confused about it/ i Just can't do without ya/ tell me is this fair." Mercedes took over lead vocals. "Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye?/ should've know better/ when you come around/ that you were gonna make me cry/ it's breaking my heart to watch you run around/ cause i know that you're living a lie/ but that's ok baby/ cause in time you will find."
And it's our turn to sing hard still behind the curtains. "What goes around, goes around, goes around/ comes all the way back around." After the chorus of the Justin Timberlake song, which we don't sing the entirety of, the beat stops and the curtain rises revealing the rest of New Directions. Mike, Brittany, Mercedes and Artie retake new places on stage. The lighting remains deliberately low with the projections now looming over us as the audience comes crashing down to a sensational and sexy but tasteful dance number. The new arrangement that the boys in the band made was sensational.
We started vocalizing "Toxic" with some adaptations in relation to our first presentation at school that ended in an embarrassing way. Instead of Mr. Schuester, Noah: he had the necessary appeal for music, after all, he exuded sex. The crowd kept coming down as me, Noah and Brittany did our solo lines with Santana functioning as a permanent backing vocal. Santana made the final high notes, and it didn't even look like she'd spent the day with any hoarseness. Once again the audience erupted in applause.
We exploded backstage once more. Being so excited (and knowing that we wouldn't have to run to vacate the dressing room), we didn't even see the presentation of the group from New York, which would be the penultimate. The downed team from the early afternoon no longer existed. We decided to stay together behind the scenes until the organization called us to announce the five big finalists. Finn was holding my hand, and I've never been more anxious in my life. I thought of Quinn. I looked for her. I went to find her on my left next to Tina. She looks at me with a frown, and I respond with a smile. I held Finn's hand in that moment, but I wanted hers.
The organizers called the teams. In fifth place was Vocal Adrenaline and once again the team did not leave the stage satisfied. The Lived Kennedys of Idaho also made the grand finals with fourth place in the playoffs, and it was good for us as they were also a small-member group. In third was New York and the Texan team that passed in 10th in the elimination of the previous day with the dull presentation of Johnny Cash recovered and nailed the second place. There was only room for one more and my heart was about to burst out of my mouth. I grabbed someone else's hand and squeezed – it was Kurt's. When the presenter announced New Directions, from Lima, Ohio, then I was sure my heart had left my mouth. The whole group hugged and jumped onstage, as if we had received the ultimate prize. How good it was to be a winner sometimes.
Mr. Schue received the ticket to the grand finale medallion, and the $200 prize, given to all five finalists. Our group celebrated like crazy backstage. In the midst of this confusion, I took the opportunity to pull Quinn into an empty dressing room and closed the door. She leaned me against the wall and we kissed passionately. I know I was determined to think more carefully, to treat Finn with the respect he deserved, but I just couldn't resist. Judging by the enthusiasm, neither did she.
...
After lots of hugs and tears of joy, Santana found me in the crowd and pulled me out backstage so we could meet Papi and Shelby outside the auditorium. He had booked a table at Felidia Ristorante, one of NYC's best Italian restaurants. When we got to them, we found it strange how close they were. I exchanged glances with Santana. We hugged Papi first and I hugged Shelby next. Santana, as usual, was the coolest and just gave our mother a quick peck on her cheek.
"Where's Beth?" Santana adored our little sister.
"I came to cheer you both." Shelby smiled at me. "And the night is not appropriate for a little baby, is it?" The voice was a warning to Santana. It always was like that. "Beth stayed at the hotel with my mother."
We didn't know our maternal grandmother and we didn't hear stories about her either. We knew that she was alive and that she lived in Findlay, Ohio. I looked at Santana, who shrugged her shoulders in a "whatever" sign. We got into the taxi towards 58th street where the main interaction was between my father and Shelby, as if they were old friends. I watched as Santana crossed her arms and squinted. Something told me that dinner was going to pay off.
The restaurant was wonderful. In addition to traditional Italian food, it also offers a wide menu for vegetarians. I had to give up some of my principles for one night to eat ingredients made with milk and eggs, but this was the only exception I made. The veggie lasagna was spectacular, and it was made even better by the pleasant conversation between me, Shelby and papi. I haven't had a lot of time to talk to my mother in the last few weeks, so she wasn't aware of the system with which we organize our presentations. She was very impressed with how the students were able to craft a choral musical performance with theatrical overtones. But my mother didn't know that I had extensive experience in theater as well.
"Your technique has improved a lot, Santana." Shelby tried to bring my sister into the conversation.
"It's because you didn't see her yesterday. She was our main player and will be even more important tomorrow." My praise was sincere.
"Rachel pestered me to do technique drills." That was the first thing Santana said at dinner, apart from the moment she ordered the dish and drink.
"Doing the exercises is fundamental." Shelby said. "There is no way to develop singing without them."
"I fully agree. I myself dedicate a few minutes of my day to doing this type of exercise. Sometimes even for breakfast. So my technique is advanced in comparison..."
"Why are you here, Shelby?" Santana cut me off and I was apprehensive. "I mean, honestly?"
"Santana!" My father reacted. "That's no way to speak to your mother. She's here as my guest to honor you both, and I demand respect."
"Are you guys having an affair?" Santana shot and Papi threw the cloth napkin on the table, drawing attention from other customers. It felt like everyone stopped breathing.
"If your mother and I are having an affair, it's none of your business, mija. Didn't you make me sign your emancipation to live in New York and do as you please? If legally nothing you do now is my business, I demand the same rights. Now finish eating."
We sat in silence and the clatter of cutlery on the plate became deafening. Turns out Santana had a point here. Shelby's presence itself wasn't a big deal. But the way she interacted with my father showed a considerable degree of intimacy. They touched each other discreetly, but they were unnecessary gestures in normal situations. It was as if they were looking for any excuse to bump into each other.
"Papi." I plucked up the courage to speak. "Don't take it as if I wanted to interfere with you or my mother's life, but if by any chance you're... getting to know each other better... I think Santana and I deserve to know. And if you're here just as friends, I don't see the reason for the war atmosphere. You could just say 'no'."
Shelby, who was next to me, looked at Papi and he took a deep breath with an expression of "I can't believe this is happening". So he just shrugged his shoulders in a "whatever" sign, just like Santana used to do.
"Your father and I are seeing each other." Shelby fired.
That was a standard answer to: We're having no-strings sex for now. It was my turn to be upset. In normal situations, I think any kid would be happy to know that their parents are coming to terms. Our case was very different. We knew that our dads were physically separated, but the fact was that daddy had died five months ago, and he was a man that Santana and I loved unconditionally. I know it's not fair, but in my imagination, papi had been a widower for five months only. Shelby, as much as she was our biological mother, was still not fully integrated into our family life. It was weird.
"How long have you guys been… seeing each other?" I asked, not sure I really wanted to know the answer.
"About two months." Papi replied.
"Have you been dating for like two months behind our backs?" I was uneasy because they had been going out for two months and they didn't tell us anything? And they planned to reveal this in New York in the middle of our competition? It wasn't fair.
"Shelby and I decided to first understand what was happening to us. We needed to be sure before telling you because it was the most prudent." Papi tried to explain. "Don't you guys like New York so much? We thought it would be a good opportunity to taste the waters."
"Please just tell me the insemination was really artificial." Santana dropped the bomb, and I just closed my eyes waiting for the impact.
Papi got up from the table angrily and went outside to get some air. I was sure he would do something stupid if he stood there listening to Santana's accusations, especially since they weren't having a good time and were fighting a lot. Shelby glared at my sister, making it clear that she wasn't going to allow her to win.
"What can I say, Santana? Only one egg was fertilized in a clinical procedure. The other was ruptured by a sperm after a long run. You know, those things that happen after a night of great sex. You want to guess which one?" Santana turned red. My face was also hot with anger and embarrassment. "Juan and I aren't doing anything wrong!" Shelby's face hardened. Her voice was firm. "His and Hiram's marriage was over before a I arrived in Lima. We are responsible and independent adults. Yes, we have two daughters born in a special situation. Juan said that you both know that we had a flirtation 18 years ago, but not that's why I came back to Ohio. Anyway, Juan and I became friends again and we realized that what we felt for each other was still alive. Juan and I are free to continue our story. I would love for you two to be by our side, supporting us."
"He's gay, Corcoran…" After a murderous look, Santana corrected her. "Shelby."
"Juan isn't gay. He IS bisexual. Just like you, from what I've seen." I swear to god I heard my sister growl. "Again, Santana, I'm a grown up woman and I know where I stand."
There was an awkward silence. Santana was paralyzed, and I wasn't much better. The delicious lasagna has lost its flavor.
"I think we just need to get used to the idea." I spoke after a long time. "You will agree that this situation was not introduced properly."
"Is there a more appropriate situation than a family dinner, in a really good restaurant, and in a city like this? If that wasn't a good idea, I don't know what would be. Your father and I wanted to introduce the new status of our relationship slowly, as naturally as possible. Too bad Santana looks so much like someone I knew when I was the same age."
"With whom?" I asked.
"With me." Shelby sighed and finished her glass of wine. "I know you're extremely perceptive and smart, Santana. But it's better to learn to keep certain things to yourself, and express yourself in a way that doesn't seem like you want to drop a bomb on people's heads. I hope I can give you this lesson here, because if you let life do that, it can't be so kind. Believe me, I know."
Our hunger passed, and we asked for the bill. There was no longer any mood to celebrate. Papi called a taxi for Santana and me. He paid in advance. He guaranteed that he and Shelby would be there for the grand finale, and I know he would be as good as his word. Santana refused to say goodbye to them. I am not. I hugged Papi and Shelby.
"Don't bother with Santana, okay? She's just going through a really bad phase, and everything that happens takes on disproportionate dimensions with the problem. But I'm on your side. I'm happy you two are reunited."
"Thanks, Rachel." Shelby hugged me again. "I'm rooting for you two tomorrow. Everything will be fine."
I waved at Papi and Shelby before getting into the cab with my sister. Santana had her arms crossed, brow furrowed and I knew she was holding back from crying because deep down she knew her reaction was over the top.
"That's disgusting!" Santana raged in the cab.
"Disgusting that Papi and Shelby are dating? She is our mother... and perhaps this relationship will do our father good."
"You're naive, Rachel. I don't buy this story in a million years! They didn't start this relationship now. This goes way back than you might think."
"Why do you say this?"
"Just look at the evidence. You think I'm blind? When Shelby pulled that trap on you..."
"Do you think she had help from Papi?"
"To be fair, I don't think so. Papi would never have been able to fake that surprised look on his face when I told him about our meeting with Shelby that day. He's a terrible actor. What struck me was his behavior after Shelby showed up. Remember Gaga's day? I went to Carmel that day because I needed to get some things straightened out. Dad was there in her office and they were arguing. I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but Dad left the office in a huff, and Shelby stood there crying. That's when she changed her mind and walked away."
"Do you think Dad threatened her?"
"He confessed to me that he threatened her with a millionaire lawsuit and told her to stay away. Not just because of us. He was trying to fight for his marriage too. It was after that happened that Papi moved into the pool house. It was because of Shelby, because up until then, Dad and Papi were still sleeping in the same room and trying hard to fix their marriage."
"I never thought about it from that angle."
"Shelby and Papi have been together for over two months. She came into our lives very quickly after Dad died, and Papi was the one who opened all the doors and windows. He called her the day Dad had his accident to get her to stay with us. Why? It can only be because of that. They were already getting together since that time. For me, tonight's dinner only confirms everything."
"I just think we have to give them both the benefit of the doubt. Shelby's been trying hard. Truth be told, Santy, as much as I don't like this seemingly sudden relationship either, they're adults and free."
Santana was silent the rest of the way. At the hostel, I could see that the North Carolina choir was now more at ease. Maybe the boys would go out and enjoy some New York nightlife now that they weren't in the competition anymore. On the other hand, the members of New Directions were withdrawn. Santana grabbed clean clothes and went straight to the shower, not talking to anyone. Quinn stared at me like she wanted to have a telepathic conversation, and I motioned for us to talk outside.
"What happened?" Quinn asked as soon as we reached the roof. She was already in pajamas and wearing a winter coat.
"My mom and papi are dating. Santana freaked out. It wasn't pretty."
"Oh..." She kissed me lightly and hugged me, trying to wrap me in her winter coat.
I allowed myself to enjoy the good heat of Quinn's body for a bit and closed my eyes. I never thought I could be so comfortable with a woman's body.
"Beth is in town?" she asked suddenly.
"Yeah, apparently at the hotel with grandma… my grandma… who I don't even know yet."
Quinn saw Beth at Christmas on a quick visit. She was satisfied with Shelby's terms for visits, which yes, they were fair. The next date with her biological daughter was at her one year old birthday party.
"May I ask what that means?" Quinn asked as she still held me and warmed me in her arms, "About us?"
"I think it's pretty clear."
"Are you 100% sure?"
"Yes and no."
"What are you sure of right now?"
"It won't be a simple conversation with Finn."
"It seemed simple enough for him when he broke up with you twice."
"I am not like him."
"You're not. You're better than him, and you care. That's why you find it so difficult."
"I think we better go back to the room."
Quinn nodded and released me from her arms. I immediately felt an emptiness, an urge to run to her one more time. But I kept my composure and we went back down to our room. The grand finale wasn't going to be easy and I had too much on my mind to absorb.
...
May 12, 2012
The whole team was nervous about the finals. We all stayed at the hostel most of the time until we left for the auditorium. The exception was when Finn and I snuck out to lunch at a place other than the usual restaurant adopted by the team. The diner was just over the next block, where we could talk in peace. But I wasn't at peace.
"You've been distant and we've been talking so little these last few days." He said.
"I'm tense with nationals."
"Don't worry. We will win and go back to McKinley as heroes."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because I trust the talent of our team, and today it will be your turn to show once again how special you are." I smiled at the compliment. Small kindnesses only made things more complicated. "Too bad we won't have our duet."
"Group veto, not Mr. Schuester. It would happen for me. Our voices match very well."
"That's how we fell in love."
"I was in love with you long before that."
"Really?"
"You were my first love, Finn. And it had nothing to do with the music. The fact that we sang well together was the something else."
Finn smiled and leaned down to kiss me. He frowned when I broke the kiss almost immediately. I needed to breack up with him, but not on the eve of the most important competition of the year. Maybe my life.
The auditorium was packed. And that was the biggest venue any of us had played in our lives. It was safe to say that we were in front of our biggest audience. Quinn started to complain about her stomach, I was sweating cold, Mike complained again about his calf (he wouldn't have to dance like he did on the second day anyway), Mercedes showed tranquility and Santana spent the whole day distracted, not talking to anyone. I would be more worried about my sister, but that was the moment of the big competition, I had to focus on one thing or another: obviously I chose choir over my family dramas.
We put on our costumes. All in old, faded jeans, t-shirts that represented their style and personality, and a pair of converses. The presentation order would follow the classification of the previous day, that is, Vocal Adrenaline would open the shows and we would close them. As the auditorium was full, we didn't have chairs, but we could watch the other groups standing in two of the boxes that the organization had reserved for the five groups. Vocal Adrenaline tried a smart move by making a potpourri of James Bond themes (taking advantage of Pierce Brosnan being the celebrity judge). Once again, Corazón Sunshine's voice was perfect, especially on "Live and Let Die" and "Goldfinger", but her presence was eerie, even with all the impeccable dancing, scenery and performance. Maybe in an individual show, just hers, that would have more impact. The applause was long, loud, but not enthusiastic. Vocal Adrenaline became a solo show with dancers. And the soloist was no Beyonce.
Lived Kennedys were the first to break into popular pop-rock by making two Coldplay songs. The reception was practically the same as Vocal Adrenaline. The New York group moved with a beautiful cover of "No Woman No Cry" that moved between the original version by Bob Marley and a more recent one by the Fugees. They were epic and not by chance received the first standing ovation. The Texan group also surprised. They opened their presentation with a shortened version of "Oye Como Va", by Carlos Santana. It wasn't difficult for an American to sing, as the lyrics were only two verses long and filled with long guitar solos. Either way, it served them up for a good dance number. I'm sure in the middle of the audience, papi was grinning from ear to ear. Then came Del Shannon's "Runaway". It was funny, but it was a sensation.
The bell sounded. It was the signal for us to retire to the waiting room. The impression I had was of a hole in my stomach. After Santana, Mercedes and Artie, now the responsibility was in my hands. The choir took a stand. Quinn and I purposely stayed last. She held my hand and squeezed. She wished to "break her leg" with a discreet affectionate gesture before positioning herself. I smiled. Act 3: rock'n'roll
New directions was introduced, the curtains opened and I entered in silence. I was at center stage for a few seconds. Still silent, I paced back and forth, doing my act. The audience began to tense up at the non-start. So I faced the people and started a cappella. She's got a smile that it seems to me/ reminds of childhood memories/ where everything was as fresh/ as the bright blue Sky". Quinn appears on stage and joins me to do the second voice and evolving the choreography along with me. " Now and then when i see her face/she takes me away to that special place/ and if i stere too long/ i'd probably break down and cry". duet. "Ohh! sweet child o'mine/ ohh! Sweet Love of' mine". The choir continued their work of snapping their fingers and moving as they arranged the vocalizations. The audience began to snap their fingers in rhythm as well. "She's got eyes of the bluest skies/ as if they thought of rain/ i hate to look into those eyes/ and see an ounce of pain". Again Quinn harmonized with me. "Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place/ where as a child i'd hide/ and pray for the thurner and the rain/ to quietly pass me by". And the choir ended "ohh! Sweet child o'mine/ ohh! Sweet Love of' mine".
Our version was well produced, the light plays were perfect and I used to gain confidence after singing the first verse. The choreography also has a positive impact. We were the second group of the night to get a standing ovation. But it wasn't over yet.
Santana took center stage and began the solo that would be just a vignette for our next song. Then she sang a capella while we did the vocal arrangement. " You shout it loud/ but i can't hear a word you say/ i'm talking loud not saying much/ i'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet/ you shoot me down. But I get up/ I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose/ fire away, fire away/ ricochets, you take your aim/ fire away, fire away/ you shoot me down but I won't fall/ I am titanium/ you shoot me down but I won't fall/ I am titanium."
The lights went up, the band came on strong and we started jumping around the stage like crazy people in a heavy song. We heard roars coming from the audience as soon as they recognized the initial guitar riffs. I went to the front of the stage when the guitarist strummed. And I sang with all the aggression I had. "Load up on guns and bring your friends/ it's fun to lose and to pretend/ she's over bored and self assured/ oh, no, i know a dirty Word". Artie, Sam, Tina and Quinn vocalized "hello, hello, hello, how low...".
The band increased the aggressiveness in the beat and we sang with all the energy we had with my voice leading the choir. "With the lights out it's less dangerous/ here we are now entertain us/ i feel stupid and contagious/ here we are now entertain us/ a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido/ yeah! Yay!". The melody soothed and returned with the solo. "I'm worse at what i do Best/ and for this gift i feel blessed/ our little group has always been/ and always Will until the end". Now it was Finn, Mike, Santana and Brittany who sang "hello, hello, hello, how low...". We'd go back to the chorus with me screaming more than singing.
I continued to sing as best I could in the last sequence. "And i forget Just why i test/ oh yeah, i guess it makes me smile/ i found it hard, it's hard to find/ oh well, whatever, nevermind". Artie, Noah, Mercedes, Kurt and Lauren who vocalized "hello, hello, hello, how low...". Before exploding into the chorus for the last time, at the end screaming "a denial". The audience erupted in applause and I'm sure if the ceiling were any lower there would have been a freak or two hanging from it. A delight to be applauded for the third day in a row. We were technically perfect on the first song and epic in chaos during the last one. Who would have thought that Nirvana could be used in a choir?
The jurors retired and would have 15 minutes for the decision. The organization asked for another 15 extra to organize things. In the meantime, the audience was entertained with a stand-up comedy show. In the meantime, we collected ourselves in the dressing rooms. We didn't want to see anyone, we didn't want to spread out. Mr. Schuester said a few complimentary words, that regardless of the outcome he was proud of the work and so on. I sat down on the couch next to Kurt and Mike. I held my friend's hand and stayed there until we were told to go on stage to hear the final result.
Pierce Brosnan was in charge of announcing the winners and handing out the trophies (as the choir took the opportunity to take photos with the ex-007). In fifth place was the Lived Kennedys. It was pretty much what I predicted, but they left happy. Then the first slightly disputed result from the audience: the Texan group only took fourth place. Embarrassing booing for the judges. Vocal Adrenaline came third, and there they ended the group's worst run in five years. It was impressive nonetheless.
That left us and the group from New York. I should be happy to have already secured the runners-up spot, which would be historic. We had a winning campaign, with a concept and consistency. We've always finished in the top three at every eliminatory. It would be our justice. Brosnan held his breath, the audience also seemed apprehensive. The chaotic, visceral presentation, or the one full of consoling sentiments? Revolt or hope?
"New Directions!" Brosnan shouted.
Applause, recognition. The losers won. I cried. Everyone cried.
...
Half an hour after the announcement of the result, when things were calmer, a few men started circulating among the dressing rooms, handing out cards to specific people. A man in his late 30s handed out cards to me, Santana, Quinn, Mike and Brittany.
"We're having a cast audition this Wednesday. It's a very short run play that we're going to try out this summer and we're looking for young people like yourselves. Unfamiliar faces, you know? I'd like you to audition at this address. When you arrive, tell them you came from the choir competition. We'll give you priority."
When the man left, I took a good look at the card.
"This guy is really weird. Don't you think he's a fraud?" Quinn asked me.
"Hardly. These names here on the card are Tony Award-winning producers. They're famous for doing off-Broadway plays and for having a production company that specializes in indie films."
"What's that?" Finn approached us suspiciously.
"This?" I held up the card and he nodded. "This right here, Finn, could be my first big chance."
