Being Alone


He stood at his gravesite. The frown was ever-growing, ever-present, ever reminding him about the failure he was. About the failure he held. About what he couldn't do. It was cloudy, nothing to disturb his rest in the ground. Po wiped his face free from the tears.

Why?

Why wasn't he strong enough? Fast enough? Enough?

The grave stood right outside of the valley, next to the other dead people. Po looked at his hands and clenched them, trying to grasp the promises he made and tried to keep. Only to fail. Only to crack. Only to fall into a dark pit that he wished to just end it all.

The panda shook his head. No. The young owner of the tombstone wouldn't have wanted that. He would've wanted him to keep going and be the best warrior there was. "I'm sorry, Haizi," Po sighed, feeling his heart touch the ground. "I just wish I could have-"

"Po?"

The panda spun around and quickly wiped his eyes. He couldn't let her see his tears. "Tigress! What are you doing here?"

"We were wondering where you were," Tigress said, walking up to his side. "I figured that..." She trailed off. A small sigh spilled out of Po's mouth. Of course she would. Po could probably count on one hand how many times Tigress didn't know how he acted. The panda took a long breath, hoping, praying that the air sucked into his lungs could take away the grief and pain in his heart and chest. Was this how it was with Tigress? How she "felt nothing"?

"Does it get easier?"

"What?"

"Losing someone? Does it get easier?" Po looked her straight in the eyes. The tiger simply blinked but her elongated frown made it seem he had made a mistake. "Tigress?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Well, you've been doing this a long time... sooo"

"Each time," Tigress interrupted, "Feels like the first."

"But... you make it seems so-"

"Don't confuse my...guarded nature for strength. It hurts just as much as anyone else," She paused for a moment, staring at the ground, staring at the little grave. "Probably more since I don't express much."

"Oh," Po said. He didn't have the energy to lift his voice any higher than a small whisper. He looked at his hands as he replayed the day in his mind.

Little Haizi, a small bunny boy, ran up to Po, hugging his leg as the panda smiled wide and large at the bunny. "Hey, little guy! Whatcha doing?" Po asked, kneeling down.

"Mr. Ping wanted my help. Maybe, if I work with your dad, I'll be chosen to be a strong warrior too!" Haizi smiled. The sun could reflect in the kid's grin, and Po chuckled as he wrapped his arm around Haizi and lifted him up, just as the Furious Five came in. "Hi masters!"

"Good morning, Haizi," Tigress smiled, smaller than Po. "Aren't you supposed to be with the orphan caretaker?"

The little bunny huffed and crossed his arms. "She said that I shouldn't be helping Mr. Ping because he gets rob so many time. But I wanna help!"

"Ah, you want to help?" Mr. Ping muttered from the back with a great crate of potatoes. "Po's supposed to peel these potatoes, but you could do them instead."

"Yay!" Haizi jumped off the panda's arm and got to work. The panda chuckled. There was so much innocence and life in the bunny. He bounced excitedly just from peeling off the skins of the potatoes.

"You know," Monkey smirked at Po, "I didn't know you were a dad, Po."

"Come on, Monkey," Po said. "Haizi just likes being around me."

"What kid doesn't," Monkey sniggered. "Anyway, we need to go. Some bandits were sighted up north."

"Alright, I'm coming. Haizi, make sure that you go straight back home after you're done, okay?"

"Okay dad... I mean, Mr. Po," Haizi's cheeks tinted a light pink while the panda grinned wider.

The team ran out of the village to tackle the bandit problem, but as the fighting processed, the bandits retreated further and further away from the village.

"It's a diversion!" Came a shout from up in the air. Po looked up and saw Crane circling above. "I see smoke coming from the village!"

"They're trying to lure us out," Tigress said. "Fall back!" The team ran back through the village. Houses and carts laid in a messy road. Tigress and Po headed towards the east, where Mr. Ping's shop was. "Po!"

"I have to make sure my dad's okay!" Po shouted. Tigress grunted. They both knew he was determined. The two of them ran, darting over burning heaps of broken wood and smashed fruit carts. Soon, they came to the shop. It still stood just as they left it, with the exception of a few smashed tables. "Dad!"

"PO!" Mr. Ping jumped out from behind the counter and ran up to him. "There isn't much time! Haizi! The bandits!"

"Slow down, what happened to Haizi?"

"The bandits stole some of the money, and Haizi went after them!" Mr. Ping shouted. Po's eyes widened as his heart sank. "They went south!" Without another word, Po rushed out the shop. He didn't remember Tigress was after him. He didn't care. His mind ignored every signal of hunger, fatigue, and noise. He ran to the very edge of the village where four bandits huddled together.

"That's what you get for being a hero, kid," One burly snow leopard laughed, calling the others to laugh with him. He tossed something to the side.

A body.

A small bunny child.

"HAIZI!" Po screamed. The bunny didn't move. Deep red liquid poured down his stomach. The panda gritted his teeth until they pained and charged towards the small group of bandits. His hands latched onto the snow leopard first, strangling his neck. "What did you do to him!?"

But the crook couldn't answer. His teammates tried to knock Po off of him, but the panda simply caught their weapons and whacked them into walls. His hands returned to the snow leopard's throat. "What did you do to him!?"

The snow leopard couldn't answer.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him off. "Po! Po! Po!"

"Leave me alone, Tigress!"

"Po! Please!"

"I have to make him pay, Tigress!" Po growled. Burning tears dripped down his face. "He... he killed him!"

"Po!"

"WHAT!"

"He's dead."

"I know Haizi dead!"

"No! I mean... Look." Tigress pointed to the snow leopard's body, still and silent. Po released his neck, expecting him to breathe again. He didn't. Life had already left his body.

"Mr... Mr... Po?"

The sound came in weak and crackled, but Po could hear it from a mile. He raced over to Haizi who was coughing up blood. "Haizi! Haizi. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."

"I'm... I'm sorry."

"No, no, no, it's not your fault, little guy. It's not your fault." Po hugged the little bunny. "You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

"Mr. Po...I... I love you."

Po's tears dripped onto Haizi's little clothes. "I love you too, little guy."

"Thank you... for being there... for... me." Haizi's eyes drifted off as his head rested against Po's arm.

"Haizi? Haizi! Please no, don't... You're going to be okay!" Po tried using his Qi technique, but it changed nothing. "No. Please, No... Please... I'm sorry. I'm soo sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Please... Please." Po cradled the little boy in his arms, rocking him back and forth.

Like it was his little child.

And now he stood at Haizi's grave, wishing on every star in the heavens that the grave wasn't there. That it wasn't so cold and silent on that hill. That there wasn't a gnawing pit where his heart used to be. The Furious Five and Po spent the next two weeks repairing the village. The orphan caretaker had made a tombstone just for Haizi. Small, cute, and lovely.

Just like him.

"I'm sorry, Haizi," Po mumbled again and again. He felt Tigress's hand on his shoulder. He sighed.

He really didn't want to be lectured about moving on. But she stayed silent. "Why... why wasn't I stronger? I could have... how did this happen? Why didn't I..." He trailed off. Again silence. Po looked at Tigress, silently staring at the ground. She had her hands loosely clasped together in front. Po sighed, "I shouldn't be like this, huh?" Tigress looked up at him. "I should be strong and move on. It's gonna be like this for anyone. I have to get over it and-"

"No." Po's head jerked back. Tigress's glared hard into Po's. Her hands clenched and the very air around her was tense.

"N-no?"

"I've told you before, Po," She said sternly, "Just because I'm reserved doesn't mean that I don't feel the pains and emotions. I still feel, Po. I always have."

"L-Like when?"

"When you nearly die." Po could feel the gravity increase around him. He felt present and yet lost like he had felt when he first fought Tai-Lung. "Po, I understand your pain. More than anyone because I've been there multiple times." She exhaled while rolling her shoulders back. Was she breathing out some bad memory? Po couldn't tell. "While I don't know what it's like to lose someone this close to you... I know how hard it is to move on. Or to even see past this."

"How?" Po's throat was thick and sounded hoarse. "How do I get past this? How can I just... move on? It feels like... I'll forget him if I don't remember how I feel."

The tiger smiled a hint. "You will never forget him. Trust me. We never forget the people we've lost. Never." Po looked into her eyes. Nothing but peace and understanding stared back.

Sniff sniff

The panda dropped to his knees, sobbing and crying. He wailed until he couldn't feel the pain in his throat anymore. He couldn't even feel the hug that Tigress gave him as he cried onto her shoulder.

Time passed faster than either of them could remember. Po laid on his side, staring at the newly made tombstone, using his arms as a pillow. It was nighttime when the panda finally uttered any form of words. "I'm sorry, Tigress."

Tigress sat next to his head, huddling her knees to her chest. "Why?"

"I'm sorry I... wasn't strong enough... I'm sorry you had to see me like that." His voice barely broke the silence. For a moment, he thought he would have to repeat himself until the tiger made the most unusual sound.

"Hehe," she laughed sadly. Po rose his head and saw Tigress looking at the starry sky. A single tear streaked down her face, but she wiped it off before it could fall off her face. "Po... You don't know how many times I've cried in secret."

Before he could even ask, Tigress stood up. "But you're not going to get through this in one night."

"When do I feel better?"

Tigress sighed. "Don't worry about feeling better. Worry about being honest with yourself and how you feel. The important thing is that you're not keeping it in and suffering. No one deserves suffering." The panda couldn't find the courage to say a word, but he struggled to his feet. IT wasn't strength. He couldn't feel any kind of strength. No pain, no anger, nothing. "You'll feel numb for a while," Tigress said, heading towards the village, "But it will get better."

"How do you know all of this?" Po asked. Tigress stopped in her tracks. She stood completely still. "T-Tigress?"

"I've done this many times, Po. Many times. Believe me when I say that I know what you're going through and I know your pain." She turned and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Take one step at a time, Po. Just do that. If you feel like crying, cry. The one thing I need you to know is that you're never alone. No one is ever alone."

"Why does it feel like it, though?" Po said thickly.

The tiger smiled sadly, "Because you want people to understand you. You want people to help you take away the pain that you're going through. And when they don't understand or can't take away the pain, you get upset. Po, you remove your own pain, whether you believe it or not. Through tears, through words, through pain. That is how you recover. You choose what you will do."

Sniff sniff

Po latched onto Tigress in a tight hug, crying again into her shoulder. He didn't know what, but he could something dripping onto his own shoulder. A tear? No, she wouldn't-

It didn't matter. Po cried his heart out until his wails became a small murmur, whispered into Tigress's ear. "Thank you."

"Always," Tigress whispered back.

You are never alone. You may never see it, you may never believe it, but the fact is you are never alone. Never forget that you are never alone. Despite all the things your mind, your heart, and your pain tell you. You are never alone.

The end

A/N: I am fine, please do not worry. This was really really personal. Recently I failed someone and writing helps with the pain and helps me process some of the issues. I know that all the self-blame isn't gonna fix anything, but from what I've seen, some of the things I've learned are best understood and taken when I write it in a story. It's painful because it means walking through hell and all its torment.

But you and I can walk through it. I know it because it is the human thing to do. Thank you all for being such wonderful people. Don't worry I'm not suddenly stopping forever. Just wanted to thank all of you, wherever you are. And I know whatever darkness you go through, you will find light. It is guaranteed.