The Past Me
It started when he got too tired to play with the little kids. He sighed with a smile. Somber air exited his lungs more than he usually would admit to, but he was glad to play with them one more time. As the day waxed on into night, he took his large frame up the stone stairs and into his bed where he dreamed into morning again.
The tasks had to be done and when they were, he went back down the mountain. Some old friends came to visit. They heard about the Dragon Warrior who was surprisingly Po and had to see it with their own eyes. They talked about the old days and how Po had done the craziest things to either help them or just for fun. The panda would laugh. Laughter would spread around the entire village at the noodle shop where he had his favorite Dragon Warrior-sized dumpling. Then the sun dipped again in the western hemisphere. "Goodnight Po, it was great to see you again," His friends said.
"It was nice to see you too!" Po waved back. Though he smiled, he turned back to the mountain and saw its foreboding shadow start to cover the village. He sighed and walked back up the stairs under the cover of night. His heart dragged lower than his feet. He tumbled slowly into the barracks where creaking wood announced his presence to whoever was in the kitchen.
"Po?"
"Oh, Tigress. You're still up."
"I was just about to go to bed." The tiger examined his eyes. "Are you okay, Po? You look upset."
"Hmm? Nah, I'm just a little tiger... I mean, tired."
"I see," Tigress smiled a bit.
"It was a long day. I had some old friends visit me. But tomorrow is going to be a lot."
"You're talking about the Dragon Warrior teacher day?" Po nodded. Tigress rested her hand on his shoulder. "It'll be okay. The others and I will be there with you to make sure that everything goes according to plan."
"Thanks, Tigress," Po smiled. Tigress nodded and went to her room.
Po stared along the tiger's path out of the kitchen and sighed.
He hadn't expected his smile to fool Tigress's probing eye that night.
The day came. They just kept coming. Day and night. Day and night. And he woke up that day, got dressed, went to the kitchen, ate, moved his body to the Training Hall, trained, sat down, and waited for the students to come. He looked out the door where the courtyard stood and sighed. No one yet. "What time is it?" He muttered to himself.
"It's barely noon."
"Huh?" Po's heart lept a bit. Excitement? At this hour of the day? From where? He turned around. "Tigress? What did you say?"
"You're early, Po. Extremely early."
"Hehe, you know. Just wanna get a headstart on things, you know. Hehe."
"Mmm, are you sure it's not something else?" Tigress asked. "You've been very... somber lately."
"What makes you say that?"
"You didn't eat much at breakfast, you went through the motions at training, and I've said good morning to you several times now and you haven't even looked up from the floor."
"Oh," Po shrank a bit. He didn't mean to be that obvious.
"Po, what's wrong? Something is bothering you and I don't think it's the Dragon Warrior Teacher Day."
"We've got to come up with a shorter name for that," Po muttered to himself. Tigress's face didn't change. She was going to get the words out of him whether he liked it or not. Po sighed, "I just... remember when I said my friends came over to see how I was doing?" Tigress nodded. "It's just... I miss my life. My old life. And... I just realized that... I can't go back to the way things were." Po's face hung low and he gave another long sigh. "I know it sounds silly but-"
"I didn't say that," Tigress interrupted in a more gentle tone. She sat next to him. "I was just going to ask how this makes you feel?"
Po narrowed his eyes at her and tilted his head. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Ask how I feel?"
"Because I want to know."
"Yeah, but... you did that when we were fighting Shen. Why are you so worried about how I feel?"
Tigress continued to stare. "What makes you think that I shouldn't?"
"It... it's just that... well... I don't know shouldn't a warrior... not feel?"
Tigress smiled, "Feelings give an edge. They remind us that we're alive. There have been many wars won based on a... gut feeling."
Groooowwwwwwlll
Po held his stomach. "Shush you." The tiger smiled wider.
"Your feelings as well as your thoughts matter, Po. They don't define you, but they are important to you."
Po blinked several times over before giving a long sigh. "It... it feels... bad. Not bad like evil but... empty. Like I've got nothing left inside of me. I mean sure, I'll always have the memories of the past and how good things were and that shouldn't take me away from the present. Bla bla bla. But... it still hurts. It still hurts that... I don't know. I'll never get that simple happiness that I once had. It was just... easy to be happy. Easy to be friends. Easy to just... be."
He had no more words to say. Over their silence, they could hear the small chatter outside. People were starting to come, but Tigress knew they could wait. Right now, her friend needed her.
"I don't know, maybe I'm just... maybe this whole thing will blow away after a while, but... it just hurts. It feels like, I was so sure about who I was in the past and now... sure, I'm the Dragon Warrior, but... I'm still learning what that means. And who is Po."
Another silence passed them. Tigress could only sit there listening to every word. Po sighed. He didn't speak, just exhaled breath. It was hard to name the feeling. Empty? Lonely? Feeling like an old man accepting that everything is gone? "I just feel-"
"Lost?"
Po turned to Tigress. "Yes. But also-"
"Like you know you shouldn't."
"Yeah... I don't know."
"It sounds like," Tigress ventured on, "you're realizing that knowledge has responsibility but it also has problems. When you were young, it was easier to be yourself and be happy, because that's all you knew. You didn't know everything else that could happen. Now, you're searching for happiness, but that comes from you. You decided to be happy. The difference between you as a kid and you as an adult is that you're preoccupied with... well... yourself. When we fought Shen and Kai, how did you realize how to be yourself?"
"By just... being myself," Po said slowly.
"I'm not denying that at times it's hard to be happy. Even a child cries. But maybe it's hard to be because you're not letting yourself just... be." Po blinked again as Tigress smiled and rested her hand on his shoulder. "You're right. The child that you were is in the past but that past is still a part of you. Instead of thinking of how you should feel and who you should be, just accept who you are now. Besides," She smirked a bit. "Knowing you, you'll never outgrow acting like a kid."
"Hey," Po smirked back. The tiger grinned. "Thanks, Tigress. I still feel the way I feel, but... I don't feel scared to keep moving forward."
"That's the panda I know," Tigress said. The sound of the crowd grew louder as the others came up to the two warriors. "I think it's time that the village learn some of your deep wisdom."
"Hehe, maybe I should just have you talk," Po smiled. Tigress smiled back and the team walked out into the courtyard where Po made a new memory.
And a new part of himself.
A/n: I am so so sorry that I'm like this XD lately I've been waxing philosophical and I absolutely hate it because while the lesson is interesting when I write it, it just feels boring. XD. I've been having a bit of brain fog so that might also contribute. Either way, I'll try my best to edit this and see if I can't fix that, but if I can't I apologize.
