Was she harsh on him or on herself by breaking off their arrangement? She got mad at him, and she knew she was right to do so. Then she wanted to be alone. But when he was gone, she started to miss him. Every night was making her feel more lonely than the last one. She could not get used to just being forever by herself in an empty apartment again. She kept thinking about him, reliving memories of his warm body, arms around her as he carried her, touched her… His fingers tracing her back and hips, pulling her closer… she had it too good with him to let it go.
Part of her wanted them to go back to what they had, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to talk to him again. Not in work, but for real, in private. Some of her reluctance to invite him over again came from anger she still felt towards him, but some of it was just her pride. She couldn't throw him out of her apartment and right after that ask him to come back. That would be pathetic. But on the other hand so was avoiding the conversation to get back at him. At least it was making her feel pathetic. Eh, it would be so much easier, if he just never fucked it up.
She wasn't detached from reality, she understood he didn't tell anyone about them on purpose and that he felt bad about it. As much as she truly hated that anyone found out and could spread the word, she did not think he was very much guilty, probably. It was accidental, not done out of disrespect. When she was honest with herself, she had to admit she wasn't mad at him about what he did, but what he didn't. She wished he went above and beyond to keep her secrets. She shouldn't demand it. It wasn't fair. Who was he to her? Why would he make impossible happen only to fulfill her whims? Nonetheless, she was finding out she was disappointed that he didn't. Her pride she could overcome, but accepting what truthfully was making her angry was harder.
They haven't really seen each other since their terrible meeting with Rose and she could not make her mind whether it was good or bad. Maybe it was simpler, but… she missed him. Who knew, maybe in the long run if they saw each other more during work it would make it less troublesome to talk to him again, but… she still missed him. And she had to be the one to say something first, she kicked him out after all. If he tried to invite himself over for sex after that, it would actually be disrespectful. He was bitter, but he wasn't intrusive.
A week of doubt, longing and unsatisfying masturbation has passed and it was time for another security briefing. Two of them alone in the business office, well almost, Bufkin was still going to be there. She was stressed about it and anticipating it at the same time. Why did she ever think she could be able to just have sex with a coworker without it having any bearing on her job? Maybe from the beginning she knew it would be a struggle, but wanted it too much and for too long to resist the temptation.
He took a place in front of her instead of sitting on her desk as usual, but except for that Bigby seemed… normal. Perhaps he was pretending to behave as usual. She surely was. She had to go on like nothing happened, there was no other choice. Trying to look collected, she took notes from his report on minor cases closed within the last few days, while breathing in the smell from his cigarette. She didn't ask him to put it out.
"And about 'Magic Touch'?"
"I was getting to it," he answered. "I'm not finished with it, I'm in the process of tracking the money. But what I know is none of the products are magical, they lied to the clients about it being illegal to get them to buy. On this I could get them on community service, unfortunately it's hard to prove illegality of sketchy financial agreements."
"Great," she said, looking at the desk top. "But don't tell them that, or they will try again. If they won't break up until the end of their punishment" she added with dismissal after a moment of consideration.
"I didn't."
"Great" she repeated herself with the same tone. "I need to add some annotations." She turned back to call out help. "Bufkin, find me Jack's and Rose's financial statements."
Bigby wanted to go already, but she had one last thing to say to him before he was gone. She had to prove to herself she could fulfill her duties, even when it made her feel uncomfortable on a personal front to raise certain topics. She also had to get it done. Paradoxically, for personal reasons as much as official.
"You really need to send Colin back to the Farm."
"He will go back" he responded annoyingly calmly. "He's not leaving my room, he's as much of a danger to the secrecy of Fabletown as Bufkin."
"I'm not joking." She looked straight at his face for the first time during the meeting. He looked back at her as if to challenge her and she got mad at herself, because her first reaction was to wonder if he was impressed by her appearance. She spent twice as much time on make-up in the morning, knowing that she was going to see him. And even then she was mad at herself.
"The files" said Bufkin, flying from the depth of the room to leave the papers she requested on her desk. "Lovers' quarrel?" he asked looking suggestively at both of them.
"What?!" she raised her voice uncontrollably and glared at the monkey.
"I've seen in the mirror" he answered tensely and quickly flew away to hide between bookstands.
Snow suddenly felt very hot and couldn't catch a breath. Her face had to be red from embarrassment, because it felt like it was on fire. She bent down to hide behind her hair, but it was doing nothing, Bigby could clearly see how distressed she was. They exchanged one look and then he rapidly got up from his chair. With a quick step he went after Bufkin, as she assumed. She didn't look.
She didn't know how much time passed exactly before he came back. A minute, five, ten… she couldn't say, but she hated every moment. It had been a long time since she felt so much disgrace. The shame was making her angry, she wanted to go back home and get a cold shower. But that would be giving up, and she couldn't do that. She had to fulfill her duties, whether it was uncomfortable or not.
"It's taken care of" she heard Bigby say from behind her back. "Do you want to talk later?" He lit a new cigarette.
"Yes."

"For a while I thought you killed him" she said after Bigby showed up in her apartment in the evening. She got herself in order until then. "He wasn't bothering me until the end of the day."
"No. I only told him that if I ever hear that he said a word to anyone, and I will hear about it, because I always do, then I will kill him." She could easily imagine him saying it. And him keeping his word.
"Let's sit down." She led him to the living room.
"Does it make sense for me to tell you again how sorry I am for Cindy and Colin finding out about us?" He said right before they took a seat. There was never so much distance between them when they used this couch.
"I know you're sorry" she answered. "Ugh, I need a drink. Do you want wine?" She got up again, went to the cabinet and took the first bottle she saw.
"Sure." And two glasses.
Snow sat down again, poured alcohol for both of them and took a sip right away. The wine was sweet, good, she liked drinks that did not taste like alcohol at all.
"You probably think I'm overreacting."
He shrugged.
"Not really. It was always clear that it's important to you that it stays a secret" he said slowly. His composure had a bit of a calming effect on her.
"But you don't care who knows." She took another sip. He started drinking as well.
"I care if you care," he stated firmly and turned to look at her. She could not tell what was behind his gaze, but she rarely could.
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I could not give a fuck about who knows. But you said before it's different for women, so what does it matter if I give a fuck or not."
She sighed, wishing it could be as simple for her.
"I can't get over it. I hate that anyone knows that I'm someone who…" She didn't know how to end this sentence. She couldn't find words to describe it.
"Has sex?"
"Well, yes." She looked back at him resigned and drank more wine.
"It's not a bad thing, you know." It made her want to roll her eyes. He could say that, but it didn't change how it felt to her. "And people say worse things about you already." He sounded like he was asking a question. He wanted her to elaborate on her fear of public humiliation.
"Maybe that's why I can't stand making the rumors true." That was all she could think of as a response. Putting into words how she felt about her image turned out to be even harder than she expected. She didn't talk about it often, if ever.
"So you're going to let strangers rule your life?"
"Get Colin out of the city. I'm serious. Send him back." It might've seemed like she changed the topic, but she didn't really.
"I will" he agreed reluctantly. She was happy she didn't have to argue about it. She was too tired for it.
"Good."
"But I still don't get what is the difference between true and untrue rumors from your point of view. Also, I see I can't convince you that none of them is going to gossip about you." No, he could not.
"This… This is one thing, and I was ready to try moving on. Us not seeing each other would not stop anyone from talking after all, I was actually going to invite you over… soon…" He was lighting up as she was saying it. It was evident he loved every word he was hearing. Maybe he missed her as much as she missed him… hmm… she liked the idea. "But this thing with Bufkin…" She felt her face warming up again, but it was different this time, less weird. She didn't need to hide. "This is awful. I hate it. I hate I'll have to see this stupid fucking monkey every day." She finished drinking her wine and delved into the couch.
"I can always go back and just kill him if that would make you feel better." Knowing him it wasn't a joke, but it made her laugh quietly.
"No, don't do that. Nobody else knows how to find anything in the archives." She straightened up to get more wine. "But now I will never stop wondering when he might be watching."
"Honestly, I don't think he does that as a habit. It's not Crane, I don't think Bufkin is stalking you. He's probably just a creeper and checks on different fables when he's drunk and bored."
"But aren't you saying that just to get laid." It wasn't a question, she meant it as a statement. After all, she was talking to a man, she couldn't forget that.
"No," he said and finished his wine. "Are you really going to live your life for everyone around not to think you… don't live in celibacy? And it is living a lie, you do enjoy sex, as most people do, wouldn't it be easier to own it? Why are you so committed to proving everyone wrong, even when they aren't?" She didn't have an answer to that. At least now. "I'm sorry, if I'm stepping out of line. I shouldn't comment on that, I don't know what it's like for you as a woman, but…" He raised his hand as if to make a gesture, but put it down halfway. "I guess if you're mad at me anyway, I might as well say what I think."
Bigby looked away and after he didn't hear any response from her again, he moved closer to the table to pour more wine into his glass to fill the silence with anything. She didn't plan on leaving him without any answer, but she had a few thoughts going on in her head at once and she had to decide what exactly she was feeling right now.
"I'm not saying what you said is not reasonable. But I can't… force myself to not feel bad about it. I was always made to feel so much shame, I can't make it disappear just because it doesn't make sense. I can't be normal about sex at all. I probably never will be. You can make peace with it or just leave."
"I won't leave unless you want me to" he said with conviction. Hearing him speak like this, with a low voice and those words expressing loyalty and devotion… it was working on her.
"I don't. I missed you. Even if I am still in a way mad at you, whether it's sensible or not."
"I missed you so much. I miss you every night that I'm not with you." Again… it was working on her quite well. She moved closer and he reacted immediately. Within a moment there was a strong arm around her shoulder.
"That's nice," she whispered.
"We can get the mirror out of the business office if it bothers you" Bigby proposed, caressing her back through one of her favorite cashmere sweaters. His fingers reminded her of the good times. "You've had so many misfortunes caused by it, you have a right to treat it as yours."
"Lock it in my private rooms, like my aunt did?" she remarked with a smile. "Keep asking if there is any girl fairest than me in the land?"
"That's impossible, there is no one more beautiful than you." Familiar smell of cigarettes got stronger as she leaned in.
"You really are trying to get laid."
"No, we don't have to fuck every time we're alone for fifteen minutes." Facial hair on his jaw scratched her face just like she remembered.
"Good, because I'm not in the mood."
"I can stay with you and not have sex. If you want me to stay."
His hand moved to her waist and a shiver ran down her body. She wasn't scared of him at all, she was scared of the person she was becoming around him.
"Do you want to stay when I can't offer you any sexual gratification?"
"Yeah." He turned his head to kiss her cheek.
His glass was almost full, but he emptied it with one gulp, kicked off his shoes and lay down on the couch taking her with him in a swift motion. His head was on the armrest, her was on his chest, as she found herself lying on his body. She didn't know this a second before, but it was exactly where she wanted to be. She wanted to hear his heartbeat and feel his both hands on her back. She wanted to be this close to him. Memories of his embrace were tormenting her mind even more often than any sexual thoughts she had about him in the last week. And she was thinking a lot about sex she had with him.
"I thought you will never speak to me again, besides work, that is" he admitted quietly, talking right to her ear.
"That would make looking for an assistant so I can have more time for you quite pointless."
"It's not just so you can have time for me."
"It's mainly so I can have more time for you." His heart sped up, or maybe she imagined that.
She moved higher on his body, putting her arms around his neck. She was in the position of power and he looked at her with awe and devotion. Many times she didn't have it in her to face his gaze, but not this time. To this she could get used to.
"Do you want to stay for the night?" she asked.
"Yeah" he mumbled.
"Even if we're not going all the way?"
"Uhm" he almost moaned.
She leaned in, reducing the distance between them. Her hair fell around his face and for a moment she noticed his expression changing. She has seen before that he liked smelling it, even though he tried to hide it. She kissed him, tasting wine and cigarettes from his lips. It wasn't a kiss like the ones they usually shared, passionate, heated, open-mouthed, no, it was quite innocent. Just a peck. It surprised him, but he brought his head closer, wanting more, consciously or not. She moved to place her hands on his chest and leaned to kiss him once again. And then again. And again. It was making her feel… horny. She missed him. In every way.
In the rush of confidence she moved her hand again, sliding it between trousers and underwear of the man lying under her, completely at her mercy. It was a great pleasure to watch him react to her action. He was so delighted.
"How attached are you to the idea of not having sex tonight?" she asked, looking into his hungry eyes.
"Not at all."
She breathed a sigh.
"But first get me that mirror."