Chapter 2
"I think we should send you for a scan," the doctor said, rolling back in her chair and looking at Grace with a serious face. Or at least, it looked serious to Grace.
"Do you think I have cancer," she asked, shock setting in.
"We never jump to any conclusions but we rule out all the possibilities. Cancer is one of many things a lump could indicate but of course, people jump to that first as it's the scariest outcome. There is a lump there but it could be something as simple as a blocked duct or something else benign. So we will book it in to check so we know how to proceed."
"OK," Grace answered, feeling a little sick. She was only 25, surely she was too young for anything to be wrong with her?
"Don't panic Grace, we will book for this week and go from there."
"Do I need to do anything?"
"You'll get a text message later today with the appointment time. They'll explain everything there but it is usually a quick process. In the meantime, try and just rest. We don't need to assume the worst case scenario."
"Thank you," she answered, standing to go.
"And Grace," the doctor interrupted before she left the room. "You might want to take someone with you to the appointment," and Grace nodded that she'd heard, still a little shocked that she was in this position at all.
"I'm so sorry Grace," Sara croaked through the phone.
"It's OK, you can't help it. I'll just go by myself," Grace replied, heart dropping into her shoes. She was really nervous about the appointment today and having her best friend there was what was mostly holding her together. The last few days had been fluctuating between 'it's just routine, you'll be fine' and 'what if, what if?!' But she couldn't blame Sara for getting the flu.
"I've already messaged Namjoon and he's going to take you instead."
"What? No! I don't want him to see my boobs!" Grace was horrified at the thought. That was definitely crossing the line in their friendship.
"He doesn't have to actually come into the room with you, he can just wait outside but at least you'll have someone to be there for you afterwards."
"Hmmmm, OK," Grace conceded, not wanting to go alone. Maybe she could talk Namjoon into taking her to that coffee shop they both loved afterwards although she didn't know how she'd be feeling. "Do you need me to pick any medicine up for you?"
There was coughing at the end of the phone and she pulled it away from her ear a little. "No, I have everything, I'm just going to get some water and go back to bed." Sara really did sound horrible.
"Well, message me if you do need anything and I can drop it by on my way home. Hope you feel better quickly."
"Me too, I feel like crap. Message me how it goes. Love you Gracie."
"Love you too bub," and she clicked off, flicking to her texts.
Grace – Sorry. Sara said she'd roped you into taking me today
NJ – Don't apologise, I wasn't doing anything anyway.
That wasn't true. When the text came through from Sara, Namjoon had been getting ready to head out to the gym but he could do that anytime, this was more important.
Grace – You don't have to come into the room or anything, they just said to have someone with me. To drive me home I guess?
He was a little relieved at her message, picturing but trying not to picture what a scan would entail. He wasn't even sure he was allowed to be there and although he and Grace were close, being a part of something personal like that felt a whole other level of closeness. But he'd do it if she wanted him to be there through the whole thing though even if he got embarrassed in the process.
NJ – I can do whatever you need me to do
Grace – Thanks Joon, I think you'll be OK to wait in the car. Hopefully it doesn't take too long
NJ – I'm used to waiting for you. Remember that time we went shopping and you took 14 items you wanted to try on into the changing rooms? Yeah, that was a different level of waiting. Especially when you only bought two of them.
Grace – What? You mean you didn't enjoy the fashion show each time I tried something on?
NJ – It took over an hour! At that point I would've just told you to get everything as it all looked good on you, especially if it meant leaving sooner
Grace - A half hearted compliment and a diss in one text? Maybe I should catch an Uber so you don't have to risk the looonnnnng wait?
Grace knew they were teasing each other and she felt a little better with their normal banter. It took her mind of the scan for a little bit.
NJ – You know I'm scared of Sara and she would definitely come after me if I let you go alone.
NJ – And I really don't mind Grace
NJ – I don't want you to go by yourself
She was curled up on the couch as the last few texts came through, watching the clock tick down to the time she'd need to leave. Knowing she had a close friend with her, even if it wasn't her best friend, meant everything.
Grace – Thank you Joonie. I really do appreciate it
Namjoon – Think nothing of it. I'll pick you up in about half an hour, yeah?
Grace – I'll be ready
Or as ready as she could be for the appointment and whatever that meant.
Namjoon looked up from his phone as Grace walked back towards his car. He'd been watching some local rappers he followed, a similar style to his and he wondered if there was a gig coming up where he could go and watch them in person. Maybe that would inspire him to write a little more. He knew straight away from Grace's body language that she wasn't OK. Her head was lowered to look at the ground rather than meeting his eyes and one thing that Grace always did was lift her head high, confident in who she was. Now her body was hunched, kind of like she was trying to disappear inside herself and he took some deep breaths. He knew it hadn't been good.
"Well," she said as she got in and sunk back into the passenger seat and he angled himself to face her a little, waiting for her to lead the conversation as he didn't even know what questions to ask or what she wanted to reveal about how it had gone. He gave her space as she seemed to gather herself for a moment but he reached for her hand, needing to touch her. "I'll call Sara so I only have to say it once," and he felt goosebumps appear on his skin. Her voice was monotone and her eyes were red. Not teary but they looked like she'd been rubbing them. He just nodded as she dialled and put it on speaker.
"What happened Grace," came the voice as soon as it connected.
"They said," she started, cleared her throat and tried again. "They said that I need a biopsy as it doesn't look normal."
There was silence from Sara and Namjoon felt the words reverberate inside his head. Not normal.
"Shit, OK, well Grace, what do you know about what happens next?"
"There's definitely a lump so the biopsy will explain what it is and then we make a plan." Her voice was still monotone and she didn't sound like herself. "They said it'll be booked for next week."
"At least there isn't a lot of waiting. I'm sorry Grace, this is stressful. I wish I could come around and drink with you tonight." Cough cough.
"I can, if you want me to? Come round to be with you?" He needed to speak up, wanting to offer his support in any way that might help.
"Oh Namjoon, you're there? Yes Gracie, have food and drink with Joon. That's what you need."
"I think," and her voice finally betrayed her, cracking under the weight of the fear. "I think I'll just go home and sleep," she said.
"OK, well, if you think that's what you need."
"Yeah, I'm not going to be great company."
Grace looked at Namjoon and he mouthed, 'whatever you need.' She halfheartedly smiled at him, thankful he was there but she really didn't think she felt like company today.
"If you want to just Skype with me while I snuffle on the other end, you know I'm there, anytime."
"I know bubs, thanks, I'll let you know if I do, I'll message later," and she hung up.
Namjoon was still holding her hand, rubbing it between his carefully, aware she was teetering on the edge. "I can't even ask if you're doing OK with all this because I know you're not," he said gently.
"Yeah, now I'm a little scared," she said and he reached for her as she started to cry.
"It's going to be OK, we'll be here for you, you know that right," he mumbled into her hair as he awkwardly hugged her across the seats in the front of his car.
She nodded, not looking up, keeping her head buried in his shoulder as she let out her fears into his warmth.
Eventually she gained control of her emotions, pulling away from him."Home," he asked and she nodded as they both buckled in and he headed back to her place. The drive was silent apart form music on the radio playing in the background so that they didn't have to talk. Both were lost in their thoughts. Namjoon wanted to reach across and take her hand again, reassuring her he was there but she had her hands tucked under her thighs, face turned to watch the city go by as they drove and he didn't want to interrupt.
As they pulled up, he offered again. "I can buy food, order something in if you want?"
"No, I think I will just go to bed. But thank you for taking me, for being there. It was easier knowing you were waiting for me afterwards."
"I'll be there through all of this and out the other side, OK Gracie?" He sounded earnest and she knew he meant it. But all she could manage was a nod of her head as she climbed out, shutting the car door behind her.
He watched as she walked up the path to her building, disappearing from sight and he finally let out a breath of air, clearing his lungs of the one he'd been holding in, leaning his head on the steering wheel for a moment. When he'd breathed deeply a few times, Namjoon turned his car back towards his home, thoughts turned inwards. The evening was very quiet, climbing into bed way earlier than normal, unable to sleep for hours.
Ten minutes away, Grace did the same, finally succumbing to sleep after crying herself exhausted well past midnight.
Namjoon – Diary entry
Today sucked.
