Chapter 4
If she thought the week wait to have the biopsy was long, the wait for the results was the longest two weeks of her life. Her friends were amazing, inviting her to something every night, making sure to suggest food together, activities to take her mind off the wait, trying to goad a smile out of her. And she tried her best not to bring down the vibe, smiling when she could, tucking her fears away. But she could tell they didn't believe her when she said she was OK, treating her a little more gently than they needed to. Especially Namjoon.
Grace noticed it more because of what Sara had said, initially writing it off as over the top speculation. But if she stood back and looked from the outside, the way his eyes followed her then flicked away after their eyes met, well, it made her think. And then to block those thoughts from her mind because he had always been and would always be just Joonie.
And then one morning, when she was at work, her cellphone went off, the name of her doctors clinic appearing. She paused, took a breath and answered.
"Yes Grace, we need you to come in to discuss the results of the biopsy. Can you come in later today or tomorrow?"
"So soon?" Her heart was beating quickly and her mouth had gone dry. This didn't sound like good news. "Can't you tell me over the phone?"
There was a short silence and the doctor took a breath. "We don't like to do that and it's best you come with someone too. Is that possible, today at 4pm?"
"Yes, I'll be there," she answered, hanging up and heading straight to the bathroom where she threw up in the toilet, nerves, anxiety and fear causing her stomach to turn over and over at the unknown of what she was about to hear.
"The biopsy shows that there are small traces of breast cancer, stage 1"
Sara's grip on her hand tightened as they took in what the doctor was saying.
"We will do surgery to take the cancer then chemo to help lower the chances that it will come back."
Grace was swallowing but finding it hard to reply, trying to take in the words she was hearing.
"When will all of this happen," Sara asked for her.
"They won't muck around so the surgery is likely to be early next week."
"Ah, how," and Grace cleared her throat and tried again, "how aggressive is it?"
"On a scale, stage 1 is the best you can hope for, stage 4 is the most difficult to treat."
"So, I have cancer and I need surgery and chemo," Grace asked, repeating it out loud, the words sounding foreign in her ears.
"So stage 1 is the best kind of cancer to get though right, all things considered." Sara was trying to put a positive spin on it but Grace could hear her struggling too.
"Yes, it is never pleasant but we caught it early enough that you have a very good chance."
A good chance at what? Recovery? Surviving? None of that sounded easy or fun or anything like she thought she'd be dealing with a few weeks ago, before all this began.
"So," Sara said, ever practical and taking over for the moment, "tell us everything we need to know."
"I don't get it though," she said, starting to slur her words a little.
"Don't get what," Namjoon asked, reaching for another crisp, the satisfying salty crunch just what he needed. He'd come over to keep her company for the third night in a row although this time, it was just the two of them, their other friends all pleading work the next day or other plans. They were both getting more than a little tipsy, trying to drown out the thought of the surgery in a few days time. This would be the last time she could drink before she went into the hospital and she probably shouldn't even be having any today but she needed to not be thinking and Joon had said he would join her, the two of them several bottles in.
"Why doesn't anyone want to look at my breasts?"
Namjoon choked a bit on the crisp, reaching for his beer to have another sip. "I'm sure some people do want to look at your, well, you know," he finished, cheeks feeling pink from the alcohol and the conversation.
"Nah, not for ages. That's a pity aye?"
She was looking at him, expecting an answer so he mumbled a quick one, trying not to look in her eyes. "Yeah, a pity."
"It is! And they're magnificent, I mean, I have some great breasts. I can show you if you don't believe me?" Grace's hands came up and she started fumbling at the buttons on her top before his hand quickly reached to still her movements.
"It's OK, I believe you."
"You don't think I have nice breasts," she asked, pouting. Clearly Grace was drunker than he was because he knew this conversation was one they would never normally have but she seemed to have lost all reason. He cleared his throat.
"I'm sure you have a very nice rack. I've just never thought about it like that."
"Why not? I'm a girl, you're a guy. Don't all guys think about girls bodies? Wait, are you gay?"
He spluttered over the mouthful he'd just taken. "Grace! I dated Seu-li for three years. I'm not gay."
"You could be bi. It's OK if you are."
"I'm not."
"How do you know?"
"This conversation is getting weird," Namjoon said, sitting back against the sofa and taking in the way Grace looked. She'd run her hand through her hair a few times and it was sticking up on a slightly odd angle, her top button undone and showing more than the usual amount of skin, her face flushed. It's not like he hadn't seen her drunk before but usually they were well matched and he was just as drunk as she was. This time he was still aware enough to see her properly. She looked cute, in an innocent, you're my friend kind of way, especially with the look on her face right now."Yes, guys look at girls bodies, we can't help it, they're so much more interesting than a guys. But I don't look at yours."
"But I'm a girl," she whined, pouting again, before picking up a cushion and hitting his arm with it.
He laughed, the force was pitiful. "Yes but you're also one of my best friends and I just don't go there." It's not that he hadn't noticed she had pretty decent breasts, because she was right, guys looked but she normally kept them well covered and it wasn't like that between them at all so any thought had just been fleeting before he reminded himself she was his friend.
"Awwww, best friends? Love you Joonie."
"Blerch, don't call me that."
"You love it,' she said with a teasing grin.
"No, I really don't," he replied as she fell back on the sofa next to him. Clutching his arm she snuggled in close and he wrapped her into his arms.
"But seriously Joonie, guys are going to think I'm disgusting."
He let the nickname go this time, seeing her pout. "Disgusting? They won't Grace."
"They'll see scars and there might not be anything for them to clutch onto and they'll think it's gross when all that's left is a flat chest without even any nipples. Oh, do you think they attach that back on if they need to remove it to take the cancer away?" She was rambling a little now, the alcohol definitely clicking in and tears had risen in the bottom of her eyes. She had so many fears about what it would be like after the surgery, what she would be reduced to but she really hadn't shared it with her friends before. The alcohol was loosening her tongue and letting it all come out. Namjoon couldn't help pulling her closer, partly to hide his embarrassment that his heart stuttered when she'd said the word clutch and mostly because he couldn't bare to watch her cry.
"I don't know Grace but you won't be disgusting, you couldn't be. You're pretty."
"You're just saying that because I'm sick," she said into his shoulder, leaning in to tuck her face away.
"I've always thought you were pretty it's just never been appropriate to say without it being weird. I'm not even sure it is OK to say now but I'm telling you because you need to hear it. Only losers wouldn't want you because you've had surgery."
She sniffed and wiped her tears on his shirt. "I've dated a lot of losers," she said sheepishly.
"I know," he said with a half smile, remembering them coming in and out of his life, thankfully some quicker than others. None of them had been good enough for her.
"I think I need a good guy now," she said, sleepily sinking further against him and he adjusted his body to accommodate how she clung to his side.
"They're definitely out there Grace and there will be the right one that loves you, all of you, for who you are not what you look like."
"You mean if I have no tits," she said, half asleep.
"Grace, you have no filter tonight," he groaned. "Yes, that too! Sleep now, OK?"
"OK, but Joonie, promise me, if no-one else wants me after this is all over, you'll remind me that you think I'm pretty, just in case no-one else ever tells me that again."
"I will Gracie," he said, the nickname falling from his mouth as he battled with what she was asking of him, even though he knew it was because she was drunk. So he answered in kind, mostly joking because he doubted she'd remember in the morning. "When this is all over, I'll kiss any scars you have so you know you're perfect to me."
"I do love you Joon," she said, sighing as she relaxed into him.
"I know you do Grace, I love you too," he answered, leaning his cheek against the top of her head.
"I am getting really sleepy," and he felt her yawn against him.
"I know you are," he laughed, feeling his eyes close a little too but not really wanting to move. She was warm and he could smell a mixture of beer and the vanilla body lotion she was known to wear. It was comforting and familiar, making him feel even more relaxed.
"Joonie," she murmured, words coming out slurred and quiet and he ignored the nickname as he hummed a yes against her. "Before they take them, I really do want someone to treasure my whole body, one last time. If no-one else wants to, maybe it can be you."
And he was silent, processing her words, as he reached for her hand, playing with it lightly wondering what exactly she was asking of him before he heard the gentle puffs of air escaping her lips and realised she was asleep.
He sat for a little moment watching as her chest rose and fell.
"I'd treasure all of you if you were mine," he said, barely saying the words loud enough for himself to hear, shocking himself that he'd said them at all. Even more surprised by how much he meant it.
What was happening?
Suddenly he felt very sober.
Namjoon - Diary entry
I'm not sure what to write today. My brain is all over the place. Yesterday, well. What does she even want from me? I know she won't remember saying any of it. But if she needed me to, if it would make all of this go away, I'd give her everything I could. Including myself. Whatever that even means. Right now I just feel really confused.
