When the alarm rang Sunday morning Ela had already been awake for at least 15 minutes, her inner system woke her early, and her anxious mind was already trying to trick her into considering the worse 10 case scenarios that could take place, but somehow she managed to shake it off and get to the bathroom, a nice shower would help calm her nerves, so she did just that and felt much better afterward. She decided it would be a good day, she just needed to take it one step at a time and relax.
When choosing her outfit since it wasn't raining for once, so she decided to go for a casual look, a white blouse with a lavender sweater on top, blue ripped jeans, her black Dr martens, and a little black backpack; this time for makeup she wouldn't do anything elaborate, she wasn't used to wear any either way so she went for the simplest look possible and called it a day. She wore her hair naturally just using a couple of violet skull hairclips and applied her perfume all over.
When Ela finished she realized she still had 30 minutes left so she decided to text her mom and a few friends sharing pictures she had taken from the places she had visited in the last few days and just letting them know how happy she was, then she went downstairs to get a bottle of water while she waited.
When Cillian woke Sunday morning his heart started racing in his chest, but instead of being scared, he was excited, a bit anxious too, but just glad he'd get to see Ela, he got up, brushed his teeth, choose what he'd wear and had a nice bath. Since it was Sunday, he'd normally wear jeans and a T-shirt but somehow he wanted to dress up a little more so he chose a white button-up shirt, a midnight blue cardigan, dark jeans, and brown cap toe boots, he took a black cap with him and sprayed some cologne, then he was out the door and on the car that would take him to her.
Ela felt a little tap on her shoulder and turned around to see him, he was dressed beautifully, smelled amazing and his presence felt like a dream; too bad he was wearing a cap and sunglasses most likely to disguise himself from the public, she longed to see his eyes, the ones she now knew were the ones haunting her colorful dreams.
-"Hello there" he said smiling while his prominent cheekbones raised to the occasion.
-"Hey" Ela answered smiling and got up from her spot putting the water bottle in her tiny bag.
She looked beautiful Cillian thought, purple was definitely her color, so youthful yet mature, always put together but fun messy energy escaping her pores, always a duality within her, he loved it.
-"C'mon you must be starving" he said, suddenly realizing maybe he had scheduled breakfast too late.
-"Hahaha not really, I'm fully accustomed to not having breakfast" she said in all honesty
-"Really? Why is that?" He said a bit in shock at the statement while they walked down the street, he'd probably pass out without breakfast.
-"More of a choice really, as a kid I hated it it actually, made me a bit sick, so I just stopped completely, now I can enjoy it but I'm totally fine skipping it as long as I have a water bottle by my side until lunchtime" she stated, knowing for most people it was unthinkable but for her was normal.
-"Well, today I'm gonna make sure you get to experience the full English breakfast"
-"Oh god, I've seen it but haven't had it yet, seems dangerous even" She felt a little dread at the thought of so much food together all at once.
Cillian chuckled a little, she could be adorable too.
They had walked a few blocks when Ela noticed a place she had been wanting to go but hadn't remembered to do so since she arrived.
-"C'mon we can have a pre-breakfast treat" she said and excitedly took hold of Cillian's wrist, which caused him to blush a little.
-"So you don't think you'll be able to stomach an English breakfast and still you want something to eat first?" he said smiling and raising his eyebrows a little.
-"Point taken, we'll only get one to share so the food is not spoiled" she said going to the counter of Greggs and asking for a sausage roll, she split it in half and gave one to Cillian who accepted it with a smile. Then she remembered he was a Vegetarian.
-"Oh I'm so sorry you don't eat meat, I completely forgot, let me get you a vegan one" she said making her way back to the bakery but stopped when he placed a hand on her shoulder.
-"Whenever we are shooting Peaky I've to eat meat to gain muscle, it's fine I can eat it" Cillian said smiling at her.
-"Oh... alright then" she said relieved.
After walking hand in hand for about 10 minutes, they entered a beautiful Café and sat on a table in the back away from the windows, Ela faced the door and hall and Cillian faced the wall, he removed his cap and shades finally revealing his beautiful eyes, they were hypnotizing, frozen in time, yet warm with feeling.
After the waiter took their order and delivered the meal, they got right into it.
-"I honestly didn't expect this to taste so good!" She announced while tasting the sausage and a piece of buttered toast.
-"Hahahaha it's wickedly good for sure" replied Cillian taking in the bacon and tomato.
-"But I'm gonna be honest, I'm not having those beans, they... Hmmmm... They're too unique..." she said trying her best not to disrespect the food but not conceiving her distaste so good.
-"Hahahahha not a problem, I'm just glad you enjoy the rest" he said placing a hand above her forearm while looking at her with beaming eyes while she tried to conceive her blush as best she could.
After they finished eating, they stayed talking in the Café sipping on their tea. This time the conversation revolved around films, Cillian listened to Ela while she talked about some of her favorite directors and movies, he loved how she so eloquently described why she loved Scorsese's camera movements to depict the surroundings or convey a message about a character's feelings or a particular situation without needing to show their emotion through expressions, music or the dialogue; or why she believed Kubrick to be a genius because of the control on the frames lightening and symmetry he used on the takes to mesmerize the audience and keep them engaged on every scene.
-"Where did you learn to depict cinema like that?" he asked, looking at her captured by her words.
-"Oh... well I love movies so much I wanted to learn more about them, I wanted to understand what everything meant, why some movies were more captivating than others, why directors made certain choices over others, how everything involved in filmmaking helped the plot and storytelling, so I've watched countless videos on the matter by professionals and I go at least once a week to a Film Club in my city. I like to hear experts on those topics and discuss them with the attendees; it's a hobby really, but I've grown to love it more over the years" she explained while her eyes sparkled demonstrating her love for the art form and how truly engaged she was with the theory surrounding it.
Cillian became enraptured by her, and how her passion for films exploded in from of him, he smiled lovingly, he was used to discussing those subjects, but doing it with her was better somehow, it felt special, not technical at all, instead it felt organic and even intimate how she was willing to share her inner thoughts and fervor.
-"I love it" He said reaching out for her hand "I love how you talk about it, how you've done so much on your own to learn about cinema, how you have such clear ideas and knowledge to back up what you like, your choices on best of everything", hearing those words Ela could not look elsewhere but his eyes, and she could no longer hide her blush which was creeping intensely from her chest to her neck, she felt safe but didn't know how to accept compliments like that, especially from him, he who was much more educated on the discipline than her, but whose words seemed so honest when expressing his admiration. She squeezed his hand lightly trying to express with movements what she couldn't verbalize, and then she carried on saying without much thought.
-"You know, some of your work has always been my favorite" and then she realized what she had just said. Her eyes grew wide open with the realization and the blush crept out to be consumed by paleness, she panicked by her own statement being so direct and nonsensical; yes, of course, it was true, but it had been too forthright and even reckless to admit, all of a sudden, she wanted the earth to open a gigantic hole to swallow her whole.
-"Really? Do tell" Cillian said, his own eyes had grown wider too, not expecting her to be so straightforward, but loving every second of it, more than ever he was interested in her opinions, he wanted to know how she'd describe his work, what parts of it had she realized that were not obvious to the eye, and the obvious ones what were her interpretations of them. He had never been inclined to discuss his acting more than now, he was enraptured.
-"I'm sorry, that was too blunt, I mean, it's true but I'm sure it can be uncomfortable for you to discuss, dreadful even, it's your everyday life and I'm guessing countless conversations and interviews surround it, I don't mean to make Sunday breakfast a discussion or lecture, especially when you're so much well versed than me" she said with an apologetic look. Who did she believe she was? Talking about all that with someone who had been in the business for over 20 years, she knew she was well-informed on filmmaking, but she didn't mean to be annoying bringing it up like that.
-"Don't apologize, your opinions are quite interesting, I genuinely want to know more about them" he said with a truthful look in his eyes.
Ela looked at him deeply trying to discover if he was being just polite or if he meant it, and she couldn't find any trace of insincerity, she felt a warm feeling in her belly, that his idol would be interested in what she had to say especially in something related to his field, it made her feel heard, confident, at ease.
And so, Ela described how she had noticed Cillian's evolution in acting, how he no longer relied on excellently written text and his voice to deliver emotion, how his expressions had grown to convey the message so much more, and the transitions within emotion were much smoother, how he was now capable of disappearing between projects because his characters didn't seem alike at all, his mannerisms changed radically adjusting perfectly to the story he was trying to tell, and everything he said, how he acted, his looks and silences felt so genuine carrying the tale along naturally, made it look effortless; she had noticed his acting alongside others who were also great no longer seemed to intimidate him, how sharing the screen with an industry giant no longer made his characters look non-important on a scene or made him feel like he needed to do so much to compensate not being the front man in order to captivate the audience, instead, even if he was the lead or the secondary, he seemed to contribute to the take considerably better by involving himself deeply on the narrative and not seeking attention or denying it to others, just making the exact necessary to let the pieces fall into their rightful place.
Cillian was bewitched, enraptured by her words and analysis of his acting, it could have been a weird and unusual conversation but it feel organic and needed, he was not looking for validation, he was confident in his work, but it felt good hearing someone from the other side pour her impressions of the development of his craft so passionately and sincerely, not trying to either diminish his efforts not exalt them fully but sharing her candid insights on his trajectory, it felt like a breath of fresh air, everything she did, everything was felt exactly like that.
After about an hour of chatting Ela felt the need to break the spell a little when the negative thoughts on the back of her head became too loud, she finally suggested they part ways for the day feeling as if they were still being inappropriate hanging out in such a way when he was a married man, for a moment she considered his words in the pub about his wife not caring about their interactions, but it still didn't sit right with her, she didn't know exactly what he had meant by that and now she was getting more and more infatuated every minute she talked with him. It felt wrong to feel that way, act that way, the sweet glances, the blushes, the compliments, the touching, even the dreams that were more fantasies now, she should stop it before it became a problem especially for him being a public figure, and the UK press was the most brutal one, not knowing boundaries for the pleasure of cheap spectacle, they should leave it as it was.
-"Thank you very much for the invitation, maybe it's time we leave" she said in a low voice with a sad look in her eyes while she fidgeted with a napkin.
Cillian noticed immediately that something was wrong, but he didn't know what had happened. A minute ago they seemed to be fine, chatting their life away and now she had a grey aura surrounding her, somehow, he knew she didn't wanna go and end their conversation, but she seemed firm about it, he had to know what changed.
-"Did something happen? I thought we were having a good time"
-"We were, we are, I just..." She considered what could she say, how she could excuse herself from the situation; if there was a way she could make something up to not have to explain her reasoning, but then she remembered she was a grown woman and if he was not gonna set boundaries she definitely would, she needed to, her lady balls had to take the wheel, "I just believe we're being inappropriate, there's definitely flirting happening here, and you're a married man, I knew you said your wife wouldn't mind seeing us together but I just can't help but think that's not exactly the case and I don't want neither of us to be put in a compromising situation, I have to be careful about that" she said very strongly and serious, her voice was clear and steady and her eyes determined. She liked him, she liked him more than she was willing to admit even to herself, but she was also logical and an adult and would never be willing to compromise her principles for anybody.
Cillian looked at her surprised, she was setting the limits, and the expectations were clear, although he had seen her as so much younger than him, he had forgotten she was a grown-up like himself. The age gap had tangled his thoughts and he was realizing that it made absolute sense for her to become stirred, that also proved she was not after him for his position or status abruptly without thinking of consequences that would be rational in any other situation and with any other man that didn't hold those.
So many times in the past he had encountered women who would throw themselves at him either when he had been fully committed to his wife or when they had already separated without anyone knowing, and for those women, it hadn't mattered, they hadn't care if he was with someone, they just wanted to have the experience and be able to know and maybe say they had made him fall for them. He had never accepted the advances of course, but it was a joy to meet someone that did care about it for a change, someone who had her moral compass set in the right direction and wouldn't care if she missed a chance of being with an actor in the means of preserving her beliefs.
She's brilliant, I can't lose her, I've got to tell her the truth, and just like that, Cillian knew he had to pull out the courage to explain his complicated situation.
Ela noticed Cillian felt conflicted by what she had just said, she couldn't quite put the pieces together, but it looked as if he was puzzled about her feelings on the subject, maybe it was that no one had ever made it clear to him that they were not into getting involved with married man, which sounded as awful as it was and didn't sit well with his character, but it was not rare, not even considering celebrities, it was an everyday situation, too common to even discuss, but she just didn't want any part of it.
-"I don't want you to feel like we're doing something wrong, let me explain" and so Cillian began his story trying to be as clear and open as possible "Yvonne and I separated many many months ago, I believe she's currently dating, we're both very private people, so if it ever becomes serious with someone I'm sure she'll tell me because then it'll involve our kids, but we're not together anymore and none of us mean to go back to the marriage. We're on great terms but we got together so young, we had just turned twenty when we became serious, then our careers took off, the children came along, and at some point, it seemed that everything was right, or that it was supposed to be like that, but as we got older we realized we had grown apart too much, we barely recognized each other, the same old tale of being with someone you once loved but they're not the same person you fell in love with. We tried to work it out but there was no point in it, the feeling had dimmed out dramatically over the years without any of us realizing, or just going along with it, and the sparkle was no longer there. We were companions, friends, confidants even, but not lovers, not a couple, we didn't want the same things out of life anymore, and we realized we were trying too hard to be together mostly for the nostalgia of what we once had than the people we had actually become, but we are greater humans than our younger selves and going back to them is not only impossible, it's also not what we were willing to go through, realizing that we knew holding onto those versions of us was not reason enough to keep a relationship afloat so we decided to go our separate ways".
Ela was in shock, she couldn't believe what she was hearing, now she felt bad that she got that truth out of him, it couldn't have been easy to disclose such a personal matter being such a private person. She was extremely thankful for it, but she didn't mean to pry into his personal affairs, she felt relieved for sure that they were not on the very borderline of cheating on a spouse, but she was also sorry for him in some ways, going through that must not have been easy, and disclosing it to someone else might have made it harder as well.
-"I'm so sorry about that, thank you for telling me I know it must be awkward and painful to explain, but I'm glad you let me know I was not interfering in your relationship in any way, I truly appreciate it" she expressed with a candid smile and offered a support hand on the top of his own.
-"Not a problem, you were right, by not telling you this I was mostly misleading you into believing my intentions were improper too, and to be honest it's alright, I think she and I are better off apart than together living a lie, we've been happier since; not trying so hard to live full lives, frankly if we hadn't separated then most likely we would have resented each other at some point shortly. At least now we can remain good friends" he continued finding it easy to speak about it with Ela who was listening intently to every word he had to say "And our friends know, our closest ones at least, but since we like our privacy and we don't want the traditional scandal that erupts from those sort of news we have kept it quiet, that's why we haven't filed for divorce or landed on any of the legal proceedings, that's bound to become a circus that would also drag our kids in the midst of it all; eventually it'll happen, but for now we're just accommodating to our new lives".
Ela was calm, collected, and thankful for Cillian's openness, she felt like she could breathe again without having negative intrusive thoughts in the back of her head telling her she was behaving out of character and being deceitful towards another woman, but now she just wanted to know more, not about the separation but about Cillian's current life.
-"So how has it been? I mean, accommodating to this new reality of yours?"
-"At first it was much harder than it is now, I pretty much had a routine established for myself, like following a tight schedule that I had self-imposed to keep an organized lifestyle, which sometimes it's great, it keeps you grounded and balanced, but then your life becomes a vicious cycle that revolves around monotony. I have constant changes in my work but having none in my personal life made me realize how boring I had become to myself, I was no longer excited about anything that wasn't related to my job, and that's not a healthy way to live, work is work, but life should be much more than that. Having such a disruptive change come my way was harder than I can explain, but also an eye-opener that it was time to live more, experience more, feel thrilled and exhilarated, and electrified again. That's exactly how I feel around you".
Ela swallowed hard, she was not expecting that kind of directness, not from him nor anyone else, it was bold, it took confidence and nerve to say something like that out of the blue and into the open. The hairs on her arms stood up, chills ran down her spine, and there didn't seem to be enough air in the room to keep her breathing, she blushed, she blushed hard, deep red covering her chest and rising fast to her neck; she placed her cool hand there to try and reverse it but it was too late, it had crept onto her face brightening her features, making her look younger than she was, and then a thought slid into her mind, her well-known pep talks worked their bold ways isn't that what he makes you feel as well? take a chance Ela, a leap of faith! You don't always have to know if there's solid ground below after jumping off the edge.
-"C'mon, let's get out of here" she said taking his hand in hers and heading to the door.
