Sam was not having a good day. Monday with Eddie had been wonderful and in the days that followed, she had hummed with that high feeling again. The sun had shone, and she had soaked in its light and heat and felt like she was shining with it. But last night, a storm had built up and she ached from the pressure in the air. She had stayed awake all night waiting for the storm to break, for the thunder to start, for the ominous feeling to pass. It never did. In the morning, she had been tired and grumpy, and her timing had been off when her father had said good morning to her, causing him to snap at her. He had ranted at her for a solid ten minutes about the ungratefulness of modern teens and how she would do well to treat her parents with more respect given all they did for her. When the hot tears had started pulsing down her cheeks, he had expanded his complaints to include her damnable sensitivity. Could she not even take a bit of constructive criticism without breaking down in tears?
She pushed all the feelings she could deep down inside her and tried to keep them there. It didn't matter. The feeling of mortification rose, subsuming everything else. By the time she had splashed water on her face and made herself presentable, he was apologising, citing the muggy weather for his bad mood and snappish behaviour. She accepted his apology without feeling it but rejected his offer of a ride to school as politely as she could. She needed time to herself. Brushing her fingers together caused her hands to twitch uncomfortably. Her mouth had no feeling for words and their shapes. Her skin felt too tight. She needed time for it to loosen or for her to get used to this feeling enough that she could tolerate it for the rest of the day.
It wasn't until she reached the school door that she realised she had forgotten to eat breakfast or bring lunch with her. She would have to face the cafeteria again today.
By halfway through first period, the rain had started, a torrential downpour that was not forecast to end until well after the end of the school day. For the next several hours, she was stuck in this building with people who were all speaking a different language to her and she didn't have the energy to even pretend that she understood what they were shouting at her about.
She dragged herself from her first class to her second and then her third. She steeled herself for the lunch hour, resolutely determined to get enough sustenance to make it through her afternoon classes. Suddenly, partway down the hallway, there was person in front of her. She sidestepped clumsily and wobbled. A hand shot out and grasped her shoulder to prevent her from falling. She flinched at the touch.
"Sam. Hey, Sam. You ok, beautiful girl?" Eddie asked.
She shrugged. "Yes. No. It's just a bad day." Her voice sounded monotone. Emotionless. The girls in senior year were right. She was a robot. She couldn't even look at his face today. Staring at his chest was easier. He would see it now, the broken thing. He would see it and leave.
He stood in front of her, looking at her. Obviously looking at her, though she couldn't raise her eyes to his to confirm it. "You want to join us for lunch today?"
What?
Why?
She realised she didn't have the energy to deal with the why of it today. She simply nodded.
"Great!" His outstretched hand appeared in front of her face. She stared at it uncomprehendingly for a second until she realised that he wanted her to take it. She placed her hand in his. No flinching this time. He had given her time to prepare. "Come on, Sam. Let's get you some something to eat."
When they reached the cafeteria, she remembered she was going to have to face the lunch line. She had money in her purse but that wasn't the issue. The issue was the choices of what foods to get and the questions from the cafeteria staff. And then the confusion around the till as they worked out what you had to pay. There was a reason she always brought her own lunch. Even on a good day, the lunch line overwhelmed her. It wasn't like ordering at a restaurant where you could look at the menu first and the waitress gave you time to prepare before coming to your table. It was busy and taxing on her brain and the thought of having to do it right now paralysed her.
Her eyes were still on the line when Eddie leaned over to whisper in her ear, "We're going to go to our table and you're going to sit down. I'll get us food." She glanced at him quickly then, grateful but terribly aware of the fear that was visible in her wide eyes. Her eyes flickered away from his face as she nodded and she felt his hand on her shoulder, his grip tight. She leaned into it. He steered her to the Hellfire table, pulled a seat out and gestured for her to sit. A small gesture of his hand. Not like the big dramatic ones he usually made. She sat and he stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders. Heavy. Reassuring. She wanted him to stay like that until the bell rang at the end of lunch. Maybe stay like that for longer. It felt nice. The first nice thing she had felt today. She raised her head to look across the table. Gareth was sitting directly across from her. He was looking over her head at Eddie, nodding at something he had said. She hadn't heard what Eddie had said. Had been paying too much attention to the feel of his hands on her shoulders. She forced her ears to hear. "I'll be back in a minute. Take care of her." Gareth nodded again, and the weight of Eddie's hands lifted from her shoulders.
"Wait." Her voice still didn't quite sound like her own but that didn't matter. She had pitched it right, loud enough for him to hear and stop for a moment, not so loud that everyone was staring. She reached into her bag where he had laid it down next to her chair and pulled out a ten from her purse. She held the note up for him and forced herself to look towards his face. Couldn't quite focus on his eyes but face was better than nothing. His lips pulled back. A smile. His fingers brushed hers as he took the money. She turned back to the table. Gareth was staring at her, as was Jeff next to him. The senior boy whose name she didn't know muttered something under his breath. They didn't want her here. She didn't care. Eddie wanted her here and she wanted Eddie.
When he returned, he had two trays of food. It didn't look the most appetising, but she forced herself to eat regardless. The taste didn't matter, only that it would get her through to the end of the school day. It didn't really taste of anything. She chewed mechanically, took small sips of her milk. She could feel Eddie watching her as she ate. She suspected he would argue with her if she left anything behind. But she didn't want to argue. His hand was heavy on her knee. Holding her steady.
She had made it through her afternoon classes. All she had to do now was get home. Eddie would drive her. She could rest. Draw herself back together. Make tomorrow a better day. Then, with the end of the school day in sight, everything fell apart.
Nick had been waiting at her locker when she got there after her last class. He was enraged that she was dating Eddie after turning him down. She had tried to explain her reasons to him but that had just angered him further. Now he was shouting at her, angry and implacable.
I'm sorry. Please calm down. I didn't mean it. She couldn't bring herself to say that last one. She had meant it. She didn't want to date Nick. She wanted to date Eddie. Nick's shouting wouldn't change that.
His face had turned an ugly shade of red as he ranted. "You stupid slut! You could have gone on a date with me and instead you're whoring yourself out to trailer trash." There was a growing group of people watching as he rebuked her. "Do you think anyone is going to touch you after you let him near you?" He was angrily pointing his finger at her face as he ranted, forcing Sam to step back each time his finger came within an inch of her face. She felt her heel bump something and she looked down to find that she had backed at an angle against the bank of lockers. She couldn't step back any further without trapping herself against them. "It's like you don't even appreciate the opportunity I gave you!" As if to emphasise his point, Nick jabbed her in the chest, just under her collarbone. Jabbed hard three times.
It hurt. And, unlike the people who didn't realise that she didn't like to be touched, he had meant it to hurt.
Anger bubbled up through her suddenly, washing away everything in its wake. She raised her hand and heard a sharp snapping sound. Her palm and fingers stung. But at least Nick had finally shut up. He stood in front of her holding his cheek. She had slapped him.
"Shut up! Just SHUT UP! You don't get to touch me. You never asked if you could touch me! You asked me out and I said no, and I'm allowed to say no. You don't own me just because you asked me first!" Her voice was loud, rage causing it to rise. She didn't care.
"Just because you think I'd be easy. Just because you sleep with virgins because you think we won't know any better. Won't know how shit you are because we've nothing to compare you to! You're no good. At least Eddie is gentle. At least he asks before he touches. He doesn't shout and push and hurt because he doesn't get his own way!"
Breathing was becoming hard now, her lungs fighting for air while her throat fought to get all the angry words out of her. "And if I said no, he'd respect that. Not shout at me because he thinks I should be grateful!"
She stopped, the tight pain in her chest overwhelming her ability to speak. People were staring at her. Nick was staring at her. They were in the middle of the hallway now. She didn't remember doing it but she must have advanced as she yelled at him and he had backed away before her.
A shadow fell on her from behind. "Sam. Shhhhh... Sam." Eddie, his voice low like he was trying to sooth a frightened animal. "I'm going to touch your shoulders now. Shhhhh..." She felt that blessed weight on her shoulders again and leaned into it. He pulled her to him, drawing her in for a hug. Just holding her. Her skin felt like it was aflame. Movement against it would hurt as bad as the jabs of Nick's finger. The unmoving weight of Eddie against her was the only thing that seemed to help the feeling in her skin. She drew the anger back into herself as much as she could. She didn't want to lash out and hurt him with it.
It was still raining. Not torrential now, but big fat raindrops. Sam could hear them against the roof of Eddie's van and the water. She remembered him driving her here, remembered him ushering her into the back of the van to lie down and opening the back doors so that they could see the lake. She remembered but it was like it had happened to someone else. A different Sam. A Sam who had shook and cried until she had soaked the hoodie that Eddie had bundled up under her head like a pillow.
She tilted her head up to look out the door of the van. She was lying on her side and the surface of the lake was a wall before her. The wall danced as raindrops hit it. Eddie was pressed behind her, his chest to her back, knees pressed into the bend of hers. One arm was wrapped around her chest, holding her tight. Just holding. She reached around inside herself for a feeling of shame that she knew would be appropriate. She had shouted and screamed and drawn so much attention to herself. She should feel ashamed, but instead she felt nothing. Her anger had emptied her out. She should apologise anyway. It was the right thing to do when you made a show of yourself. "I'm sorry."
Eddie blew out a breath, tickling her neck with it. "I'm not. You were magnificent." He squeezed her a little tighter. "I'm pretty sure there are a long line of girls who'd like to shout at that asshole like you did." She could hear something in his voice. A smile she thought. He shouldn't be smiling. He should be embarrassed by her. She was grateful that he was lying behind her. That she couldn't see him. She didn't think she could look at him right now.
His arm tightened around her. "Are you ok? I mean... I know you're not. Today was tough. But is there anything I can do to make it less tough right now?"
Sam's automatic response was to say no but she held that back. She forced herself to consider whether there was anything he could do. No, what he was doing now was enough... But there was something that she could do for him. "Eddie, Jeff doesn't want you to date me. He thinks I'm bad for you." She didn't attempt to explain what bad meant. About her theory of social hierarchy and the damage that she could do to him in relation to it. He likely didn't need it explained to him. Most people didn't need those things explained to them. They understood them intuitively.
She felt Eddie's chest move against her back as he let out a sigh. "It's more like the other way around." His voice sounded tight. Unhappy. "He and Gareth are worried that I'd be bad for you. That I'd hurt you even if I didn't mean to. They're both fond of you. They don't want to see you get hurt."
Sam didn't even attempt to understand that on her own. Asking would be easier. "Why would you hurt me?"
"Because... my last relationship was a mess, Sam. It was six months of shouting and screaming and a total breakdown of communication that left both of us shattered and bitter at the other. It's ninety percent of the reason that I failed senior year the first time. They're worried that would happen again and that you'd bear the brunt of it."
Sam stayed silent for a long while, considering his words. Despite the badness of the day, she felt better than she had this morning, like the anger had cleared her out. Whatever it had made way for hadn't arrived yet but it would eventually. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. Eventually. For now though, her thoughts were still slow and she took her time. When she finally had her thoughts assembled enough to put into words, she spoke. "It makes no sense. You're careful with me, and patient. I can't imagine you screaming at me. And you're good at communicating clearly."
Eddie pressed his forehead against her hair. "Yeah... well. I have an incentive to communicate clearly now, beautiful girl. And to be careful. And patient."
