Much later Hikari was reaching up on her toes to a top shelf, pulling a cooking spray down to hand to Shinji. "You'll want to use this."
Shinji looked from the spray to the shelf again where his familiar name brand rested. "Really?"
"Mhm. It's cheaper, and it's lighter in taste. That's what I use." She said, She checked her list and pulled one down for herself to put into her push cart, then continued down the aisle.
Shinji, holding a basket of his own, walked with her as they went through the supermarket. Shinji cast his eyes up and down the aisle, then he looked at the cooking spray in his cart. He wondered if asking her what she got here was a good idea after all.
Up until now he has done his grocery shopping at a local mini Mart within walking distance of Misato's apartment. The prices were low and it was hardly crowded, though it's selection was rather limited. The U was enormous by comparison and Shinji found it overwhelming.
He followed Hikari, who was his only guide to this place.
She looked at her list again and studied the shelf. Shinji looked with her. They were examining spices. She turned to him then and asked, "What kinds of things do you make for Asuka and Miss Misato?"
Shinji had to line up and define the meals he made in his mind. He never had to speak about them to anyone before this, Asuka nor Misato never really cared. "Uh...I've made vegetable soup, Raman with eggs, fish and rice…" he named off several others.
Hikari nodded with each and considered the spices. "Those are a lot of good, basic meals. Ummm…." She looked to him, "Are you open to trying something new?"
Something about the way she looked up at him, how close she was, and what she said made him blush. In the two seconds he considered that question, something told him he could trust her. "Mmh!" He said.
She gave him a girlish grin, then leaned forward to pull a couple of spices. "Try these in your vegetable soup next, but don't add too much. Not more than a quarter of a teaspoon, you want to just flavor. Too much and it's overpowering."
Shinji stared at the spices. He didn't have the heart to insist that he was fine, he didn't need to spend the extra money, and what he cooked was good enough. He looked at the cost and saw they were on sale. It was hard to argue with trying these based on how little he paid for groceries already.
Hikari was taking spices of her own, saying, "Spices do a lot to make meals just a little better. Sometimes days are really rough, a tasty meal can make all the difference."
Shinji put the spices into his basket."Really?"
"Mhm." Hikari said. She looked at her list one more time, lowered it with a sigh, rhen uttered, "My family and I are so busy and overworked, cooking good is the least I could do for them. It seems to help… at least, I tell myself it does." She shook her head. She glanced at Shinji and said, "Sorry Ikari, I'm airing my issues. You don't need to hear it.."
"It's... fine…" he insisted on reflex, at first feeling awkward about it. But the adage she added at the end, calling back to Asuka's quip, gave him pause as another small moment of empathy dawned on him. Hikari started moving on and Shinji had to hurry to follow after.
She turned her head to acknowledge him. Thinking his pause was discomfort, she decided to change the subject. "What's the best meal you've ever eaten?"
That caught him off guard. "Me? Uhh… I don't know." He answered honestly. "I don't usually pay attention."
"I was just curious." Hikari replied a little nervously, worried earlier might have been too awkward after all and her save wasn't working.
Shinji tried to answer her anyway… because he wanted to. "Fish… something. It might have been a sushi roll of some kind. My sensei would get special rolls on a good day, but I never knew what they were."
Hikari perked up, smirked, then said, "Restaurants will often make unique sauces and blends for things like that. It might have been a house special."
"Oh?" Shinji asked with genuine curiosity, since he never thought of that before.
"Insider tip." Hikari replied, "My older sister works for a restaurant."
"Ah." Shinji replied and filed that thought away.
It occurred to him then just how easy it was to talk to her. The only other people in his life like that now were his friends… and they had their hang ups. Noticing this, he decided to ask her a question. "You seem to know a lot about cooking. Did your mom teach you?"
Hikari's hand slowed on the way up a shelf, but then she pressed on, saying, "My mother passed away," she glanced at him, "Remember?"
Shinji blinked, then remembered her paper and put a hand to his face. He messed up. "Oh! I'm… I'm sorry! I forgot, um…"
"It's all right." She said, smiling at him for Shinji to see. She looked back at the shelves, then said, "It's easier these days to not let it bother me. She's been gone… eight years now. The fact that I have to think about it…" She paused, then looked at Shinji, "Does that make me a bad person? Forgetting, I mean?"
Shinji had been starting to withdraw from his faux pas, but her statement brought him back, since… "I… no… I…" he clenched a hand, "I…. Sometimes i… feel that way about mine."
Hikari, already looking at him, blinked in surprise and now faced him, "Ikari… you too?"
They stood there for a moment as this sank in. For all the loneliness and want Hikari had felt about missing her mother… could it be that Shinji felt the same of his mother? What had this done to him?
For Shinji, it was the first time someone reacted this way when learning about his family status. Up until now he had been given throwaway condolences or hurried subject changes whenever it came up. Moreover, someone who also shared losing their mother... and felt guilty at forgetting.
A door opened for both of them.
Hikari stepped up to him. "How old were you, if I can ask…"
Shinji heard himself respond, "I was… four. It…" he stopped himself before he said anything possibly classified. "It was… scary."
"I understand." Hikari replied sadly. "All I can remember about my mother passing was how tense the hospital was… and… and my father crying." She paused a moment, then asked, "What about your father… or…" Shinji looked away suddenly, and Hikari retreated. "Ikari! Oh!" she clapped her hands together and bowed slightly. "I'm sorry… now I'm the one forgetting…"
"It's…. All right." He said, trading her apology for his earlier. "I was… I was okay until… he brought me here."
"But you live with Miss Misato, so you don't..."
"No. It's better this way."
"Ikari…" Hikari uttered, considering him. Her eyes drifted past him to the clock on the wall and realized what time it was. She gasped a little. "We need to finish shopping!"
The need to get home and cook also locked into Shinji's brain. He whirled and looked at the clock. "It's almost 5! I need to be home!"
"Let's finish this quick!" Hikari said.
Together they hurried through the rest of the store.
They left The U in the same direction. Both of them were silently processing the information exchanged with the other while they had been shopping.
Finally Hikari said, "Ikari…" With his attention she continued, "Thank you… for sharing that information with me. I think I understand you better now…" they walked a few steps, then she said, "I… I want you to know, I think you're incredibly brave for choosing to face your father again in spite of what happened to you. I couldn't do a thing like that, if it were me."
Not that I had a choice. Shinji thought. He considered her and wondered if he should be truthful to her in this, too. "I… I don't deserve any praise." He said.
She looked at him. "Why do you say that?"
Shinji wasn't expecting a question. He looked at her and came to a stop. She wheeled and stopped in front of him where Shinji could see her expression.
It wasn't the biting haughty attitude from Asuka, the wry condescending tone of Misato, or the vacant and unfeeling stare from Rei. The class rep seemed genuinely curious… and concerned?
Shinji averted his gaze. He didn't deserve her compassion, either. "Nothing. Forget I said anything."
Hikari watched him for a moment, then said, "Ikari. Based on what you've told me just now, and what I know of you, i can only imagine the pressure you must feel day to day." She softened her tone, "It must be incredibly hard on you."
Something in her tone and voice stuck a chord with Shinji because he had to try hard not to cry right then. Only Misato had barely acknowledged the hardship Shinji faced in being an Eva pilot, and then only to tell him to get over it. Hikari sounded much more understanding.
Hikari looked into his eyes and gave him a smile. "I wanted to tell you that I'm even happier helping you now, more than before, because I feel what you're doing is very noble. Even if you don't think you deserve praise for it, I do, because in spite of everything you choose to do something that is hard for someone that doesn't deserve it."
"I don't need him." Shinji muttered, "I shouldn't. Especially him.
Hikari looked at him with compassionate eyes. He's so hard on himself when all he wants to do is… "All the same, you choose to try understanding him. You hate him, but you seek to know why he did what he did. That's doing more than some other people I know…"
Like Suzuhara, her mind supplied.
Shinji sighed while looking down, then realized he still held grocuries. "What time is it?" He asked.
Hikari looked at her watch. "5:30!"
"I'm late for dinner!" Both of them cried out and hurried down the street.
They came to an intersection where Hikari was going one way and Shinji another. They looked at one another. Hikari smiled, "I'll see you tommorrow at school Shinji, I hope today helped!"
Shinji wasn't sure what to make of the day, but he couldn't say it was bad. "See you tommorrow!" He replied.
He watched Hikari leave the intersection first. She waved to him from the other side before he crossed his side and went away.
Shinji wasn't back in the apartment two minutes when Asuka appeared. "Where the hell have you been?" she demanded.
"Uh…Grocery shopping." Shinji responded in the middle of putting away those groceries, As if you can't see for yourself? he thought.
Shinji continued, "I went after tutoring with the class rep."
He placed something in the refrigerator and was about to continue, describing his time with Hikari, when Asuka interrupted him. "How is that going?"
"Uh… fine! It's… um… interesting." he stopped there as he tried to think of how to frame the rest of the day.
Asuka glared at him for a moment, then grunted and dismissed him with a wave. "Hurry up with dinner, you're not off the hook just because you're studying you know!"
"I won't." Shinji uttered as he went back to putting things away. When Shinji glanced across the kitchen again he saw that Asuka had gone.
He finished unloading the groceries, then looked at the clock. He sighed at how late it was, then moved off to his room to drop off the library books and change into house clothes.
As he did he thought over this afternoon. It had been a busy, emotional day. He slowed as he thought of the conversation with the class rep, replaying the sentiments in his mind.
When he returnrd to the kitchen he heard the front door open. "Im home!" Misato shouted.
Shinji answered, and heard Asuka answer from her room. "Welcome home!"
While Shinji stood at the sink to fill a pot for dinner, Misato sighed as she came in. "Today is a beer day." She said as she grabbed a can from the refrigerator.
Shinji asked, "How was work?"
Misato waved a hand while her lips were on the can. When clear she said, "Classified information and budgetary meetings. Two things I hate the most about this job."
"Oh." Shinji replied.
Misato nodded in his direction as she held her can. "How was your day? It's a tutoring day isn't it?" Her arm lowered while she pinched the top of the can, "How's that going?"
"Uh, Good! Um… I'm learning a lot about my topic."
"Its about the second impact isn't it?"
"Yeah um… about families."
Shinji noticed the shift in Misato's posture, straightening a little and the smirk left her face. "That's right. You told me about this the other day."
"Y-yes." Shinji replied.
She turned away from him. "Well, keep at it." She said and walked past the partition towards her room.
Shinji lowered his head, dismayed that the mere mention of his topic was enough to drive Misato away. But rather than give into his instinct of dropping what offended her, he remembered what Hikari had said about his quest to understand his father. Maybe he was unique in asking that question… Misato seemed quite evasive on the subject of family.
He turned back to the stove with a muffled grunt as he dismissed those thoughts and started to consider the dinner he was making.
There was a way to go from the main road to Hikari's house, which gave her time to think about the day. She figured early that she wouldn't be making dinner. It was too late for that, which meant other things would happen because she wasn't there on time.
She sighed.
Her walk slowed a little as she realized something else: she utterly failed in her objective to find out more about Suzuhara. Instead, she had a moment with Shinji.
The class largely saw him and Asuka as a couple because of how casually they bickered about mundane things… like newlyweds. If Hikari was finding feelings for Shinji, that meant eventually putting her at odds with Asuka, her best friend. To say nothing of how the class would take it.
Hikari shook her head. She was overthinking this. It wasn't as if Shinji was attracted to her at all or showed any sign in being interested in her. She was just taking these passing moments too far whilr getting to know Ikari.
Yet… the idea that Shinji would do one of the hardest things she ever heard of was endearing to her. He was super hard on himself, so he had her pity. And it was nice to meet a boy who had the curiosity to understand why a thing was happening, instead of blowing it off under some macho pretense.
She was finding it harder to just dismiss Shinji as another classmate. A part of her was beginning to wonder why, in spite of living with him, Asuka never acknowledged Shinji's curiosity.
Her feet trudged up the steps into her house. She opened the door. "I'm home!"
The refrain was delayed when it came. "Welcome home!" Various voices responded. She slipped off her shoes and stepped into the chaos she expected would happen.
Immediately in the living room, glued to the TV, Nozomi was munching potstickers out of a takeout box using her fingers. This, and variations of this, occurred often when Hikari wasn't home to police her younger sister. Tired from a long day and not willing to embark on another argument yet, Hikari said, "Nozomi, homework after dinner."
"Un." The girl uttered as her eyes soaked in the colors and the narrative of her show.
To get Nozomi out of this track would mean turning off the TV and a screaming match. Hikari had to unload groceries.
The kitchen was small, but had enough room for a folding table at least. Resting there was the bag for takeout and several other boxes. Apparently her older sister ordered her fried rice and sesame chicken. It would do, but she had to unload first.
She found a space on the table to put the bags and started to put away things. She heard her father's heavy footsteps before she heard his voice. "You're back late."
Hikari straightened from crouching by the refrigerator and bowed to her father. "I'm sorry dad, I lost track of time. I was tutoring for school and had shopping afterward."
"Ughn." A tired Bunzemon grunted as he leaned in the doorway. "Well, it's not proper. Make sure you're on time next time." He pushed away from the frame to collect another box of rolls, then disappeared to the dining room where he was reading the paper.
"Yes, sir." Hikari said weakly. They had the conversation many times already about what Hikari needed to do in order to be a proper housewife someday. Hikari had taken it to heart.
Tired, she turned back to her tasks in the kitchen to complete them. Then she took her food to the dinner table to finally eat. Her father was already gone, the dicarded paper was the only sign of his presence.
She ate alone.
By then she was too exhausted to think over much definitively. Her paper, Ikari, Suzuhara, shopping, it was all a becoming a blur, and she was getting tired.
Hikari was nearly finished with her dinner when she heard the stairs creaking. The step was too light to be her father, and Nozomi was still at the TV. Kodama was already in house clothes when she appeared with her bowl and chopsticks. She had likely been studying upstairs.
Seeing Hikari, she said, "There you are. Make sure Nozomi gets her homework done."
"I will. I just finished eating."
"Good." Kodak's said and disappeared into the kitchen.
Hikari perked up a little as she wondered if Kodama had a free moment. Of all the people in her life, her older sister was the one person she knew she could turn to for advice. When Kodama reappeared, Hikari muttered, "Hey, big train…"
The three of them had been named for trains on the old Shinkansen rail line. The endearment had sprung up ever since Nozomi was born, and had gotten them through rough spots in the past.
Kodak's paused on the landing, sighed, and said, "Hikari I have a final im cramming for, can it wait?"
A big paper was far more important than boy drama. "Yes…" Hikari said as she wilted, "It can wait."
"Okay." Kodama said and turned to the steps. "I'm sorry Hikari."
Kodama popped the can of instant coffee on her way up the stairs. Hikari just sat, staring into space, lifeless and abandoned.
Before she began her battle with her younger sister she imagined two possibilities as she leaned agaibst the back of her chair.
In one; strong working Suzuhara had come back from work spent from the day. He watched the game while Hikari made dinner, then he was stoic and unreachable as he ate.
In the other; she came home to Ikari's clumsy but modest attempt at cooking. He was willing to listen to how her day went and said he was proud of her, too.
Normally Hikari was a traditional thinker. Her father was, and what she heard about her mother, so was she. The former was what she should desire. But in that quiet moment in her home, spent and ignored, all she wanted most was to be cared for.
With three breaths she pulled herself out of her chair and camr to her feet. She prepared to do battle with her younger sister.
There were times after dinner Shinji had to himself which he used to think of the girls and women in his life. In this he was no different than many boys his age, even if he wasn't outwardly lecherous. He was too ashamed for that, and a part of him judged the boys in his life that were. It made him feel like a hypocrite as he was freely sneaking lewd peeks and glances when they happened to appear.
Not that it was particularly hard in the place where he lived. The mature Misato wore skimpy clothing at home almost as if it were a uniform. Asuka's clothing was a constant dare for him to gawk and earn a rebuke. He occasionally let himself think of the time he landed on Rei when she was naked, but that episode confused more than aroused him.
Today in the bath by himself though, for the first time, he thought of the class rep. He reflected on those moments today of being close to her and those moments that gave him a feeling. He had been peripherally aware of Hikari before his as a pretty face in class, and Asuka's friend, but getting to know her brought her into his full attention enough to consider what else she could be to him.
He moved in the tub and imagined himself in the library again, beside her. That little exhale she gave as she worked her hands, only it wasn't book pages she was turning. For further indulgence he imagined her blouse open, bra hanging out like in one of the magazines he had hidden. He wanted to reach out with a hand to…
It did not take him long to finish, the stifled grunt lost in the sloshing of the water. Finished, he stood and pulled the plug on the tub to erase the evidence. In the midst of toweling himself off, he realized what he had just done. His splayed right hand he held up to his face.
Hikari now joined Misato, Asuka, and Rei as targets of his desires… creatures he used for his secret, perverse amusement. All this girl did was try to help him. She believed in him. How could he be worthy of her help when he did this to her unaware?
He lowered his hand with a closed fist, resigned to the truth that he would do it again alone when thinking of her. Noble barriers he erected for Rei had not worked, they would not work for the class rep. He looked at his hand again.
"I… im scum." He uttered.
a/n: Many of the same hangups Shinji faces with Asuka are going to be relevant here, too. I think Shinji is aware of how he treats the women in his life and hes disgusted by it, but also none of them really inspire him to be a better person. Not even Mana, who seems to just adore him as he is, and certainly not Mari whom has literally no relationship with him. To Shinji theres nothing he could do for Asuka to outwardly warm to him, and Rei is forever a puzzle. Hikari offers a new way out of the hole hes in.
Took a while to rework the grocury shopping scene, otherwise this would have been up sooner.
Shout out to Kadmon's Plugsuits and Penguins. Nice to see other Shinji-Hikari fics also starting up, though their story is a much more elegant at start than mine.
