10.30.1995 "THE TITANS"

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GABRIELLE

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I'm Gabrielle, and I'm at the height of happiness.

...

I think.

Just a month ago I was a village girl. But now I'm a traveler. We travel together with Xena.

Xena is the greatest hero that has ever lived. She does everything, for the sake of humanity. Her sacrifices are immunerable!

But no matter what she does. She gets no recognition for her efforts. That's very wrong!

Wherever we go, people hate Xena. Everybody hates Xena. The whole world hates Xena.

The whole world except me.

The world is wrong. Humanity is wrong.

People only hate Xena because they get distracted by her outwards appearance.

She looks tough, she looks rough, she looks violent. She's rude and short-tempered, and she tends to come to blows real quickly.

But all of that is unimportant! What's important is her beautiful soul, full of love for her neighbour, full of love for humanity.

There is nobody kinder than Xena.

Yet people don't see that. People only see her for her worst. People only see her for her mistakes.

She is still very young and pretty, but I guess she has lived a long and full life, already. And in this long, full life, she has committed a few mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes!

But people should not be condemned for their mistakes. People are not represented by their worst. People should be represented by their best!

And Xena right now, is the best human being that has ever lived. I wish the whole humanity could see that.

I wish the world loved Xena as much as I do.

And so, now I do my best. To spread the word. To let the world know. That everybody should love Xena! I tell that to everybody who will listen.

And so, we travel the world. I should be at the height of happiness.

But I'm not. Now there is a mar on what should have been my perfect happiness.

Xena is good at everything she does. She's a walking perfection!

She's so perfect, it's annoying. And I thought I could outdo her, at some point!

I am feeling annoyed by her perfection.

Because she's a perfection. But next to her. Is only me.

When I first met her, I thought she's a superhuman. She should teach others to do what she does. If she can do it, so can anyone! So can I! It's her duty to share her greatness with others!

But in all this time. She shared nothing with me.

Xena is so good. But she has a character flaw. She is a stingy, greedy person. She never lets me do anything that matters!

She performs the greatest of all heroic feats! But I don't get to assist! That's unfair!

She won't even let me go dancing with her! I still begrudge her that! I can at least dance!

How will I ever grow, if she won't let me?

Stingy, greedy Xena! She's holding back my true potential!

I know I could be very helpful! If only she'd let me!

...

But maybe I understand why she doesn't let me.

I am somewhat pathetic. A whole month of traveling with a near-goddess, and so far, I've learned nothing. Achieved nothing.

She lets me with her because she expects a great future from me. But so far, I've been a disappointment.

I'm not very good at doing things.

Xena gets in trouble. I do everything within my power. And I can't do anything. She gets out on her own. She defeats a god, and I can't do that yet.

I'm powerless in every way. None of my skills are good for anything.

Even my stories. I thought I was a great storyteller. But recenly, I notice. Even my stories aren't that good. Nobody likes to hear them. Maybe even Xena just pretends to like them, out of pity?

If I'm not even good at telling stories. Then what am I even good for? That's my only talent!

Xena is the most incredible hero that has ever lived. But she carries a hidden sadness inside her heart. I wish to help her dispell her sadness.

Everybody hates Xena. And she's hurt by it. I tried to do my best to cheer her up. But I'm not very good at it. I need to get better!

No matter what I do. Nothing comes out right.

But what about my abilities! My talents! My infinite potential!

None of it has come out yet.

And Xena won't teach me anything that matters. Won't let me help her with anything important.

But she's so good. She should be helping others become good, too!

If she won't help me grow up. How will I ever attain greatness of my own?

But I'm sure I have talents of my own! I just haven't discovered them yet!

I'm just so jealous of Xena. She has it all. I wish to have what she has. I wanna be a hero, too. I wanna be famous, too. I wish I had a title, too. If she's "Warrior Princess". Then what would *I* be called? I wish to be called names, too.

Just a month ago, I was a village girl. I was living a quiet life in a quiet village.

That life was so boring, I really wanted out!

Nobody would see me for my real worth. Everybody thought I was worthless.

But Xena saw me, and she took me with her, because she saw me for what I really am! And I'm incredible in my own right! I just haven't realized how, yet.

That's why it hurts that Xena wouldn't let me help her in any way. Just let me be useful, godsdamnit!

Lately, I'm starting to even wonder. If Xena won't let me do anything. If she won't let me become anything. Why does she even keep me?

Nobody saw me for my real value in my village. And now Xena does that too! She's holding back my growth!

But I'm talented! I know it! I have talents of my own!

Back when I was little. I met this traveling bard. He was my epiphany. It was thanks to him that I realized how much I want the world.

I liked his performance so much, that I went to him and chat. He was a kind and friendly man and very talkative, he started showing me the things he travels with, and among them were some scrolls of a different language. He showed me how it's read just to spent a moment playing with a little girl. And that's how I learned my incredible talent. I have a real thing for learning languages. It only took us less than an hour, and I have learned a whole new language completely. The man was amazed out of his mind! So Xena isn't the only one with talents!

And then I realized just how great of an effect this bard has been on me, and decided to start and talk to him for real, the way I really wanna talk. To my heat's content, with no restraint. For some reason he got scared and ran away.

I did kiss him on the cheek in gratitude at some point, though. I wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he still lives.

Anyway. I have talents of my own! Untapped, hidden talents! I just need to discover them!

And so, we travel the world. Xena performs heroic feats of every kind. I should be happy about it.

But lately, I notice that I'm not.

When I first met Xena. I thought she was a goddess. I thought that as a hero, she would be saving the world, every week.

So far, we have traveled together for over a month. And in this time, she hasn't saved the world, not even once. All she ever does, is save villages.

What is wrong with her? Why isn't SHE living to her true potential? Why is she holding back? I expected more from her.

I am Gabrielle, and I am greed. I will never be satisfied with what I have. I will always want more!

And these adventures we have. They aren't enough. I want more.

Maybe my stories aren't very good only because the subject isn't good enough? Xena should try harder!

I wish Xena lived to her true potential. I wish she wasn't only saving villages. I wish she was saving the world, too!

I wish she had raised her difficulty. Left her playground. And started doing the real stuff.

I wish her heroic feats grew in scale. She's incredible! So she should be doing more. She should have higher aspirations!

Xena is the most incredible hero that has ever lived. But she carries a hidden sadness inside her heart. I wish to help her dispell her sadness.

I wish something happened. Something so big! That Xena would have no time to think about sad things. Something to large. That she would focus just on doing good, so much. That she would only feel pride of her heroic achievements. I wish she would do something so incredible. That in the end. She would smile happily. Proud of what she did. I love her smile so much.

I would do anything! Anything! To reach that conclusion!

And so we start on another journey. Xena follows some wanted criminal or whatever.

Xena trusts me with her horse! Xena gives me a request! "Take care of the horse!" Oh, a request from Xena! I will do it all to make Xena happy!

Oh I'll take such a good care of this horse! She'll be a brand new horse after I'm done with her!

Let's start with a makeover. Which haircolor would she look best with?

And just as I was about to turn Argo into a whole new horse. She resists me! She wants to run away from me!

Oh no you don't! JUST YOU WAIT! Xena told me to improve you! So I'll improve you, like to or not! You won't escape from me that easily!

But she insists. Still I grab her firmly. You won't escape from me!

She resists. But I am stronger!

I wonder what's wrong with her? We had such a nice conversation before this. And now, she's all jumpy!

And as I fight back against a running horse! As I hold her down with all my strength! As I'm teaching her that she's a beast, and it's humans who are her masters! She's strong, but I'm winning!

She fights back! But I'm stronger! I want this more than she does! She looks at me a little scared. Learned who's you master yet?

Suddenly I notice. Hey, was that a whistle? That's kind of familliar. Where did I hear that before?

Oh. I remember! Xena whistles like that when she wants something!

Ooooh. I get it! Xena's calling! Xena wants her horse!

I knew that! I knew she'd get lonely quick, and call for us!

I hold Argo down and give her a brush. Couldn't give you a makeover, but at least gotta make you presentable for Xena!

And so we go to Xena with a dignified pace. Hey Xena, you called? Knew you can't live without us!

She's angry for some reason! Gee, what's your hurry? We have all the time in the world!

And now she's just being rude. I know what this is! This is her monthies! She's just being irritable! I can read her so well!

I can relate to that. I also become a harpy when I'm getting mine. We're so similar!

That reminds me, I'm getting mines soon, too.

And so she leaves in a hurry. I'm all alone.

Hey. I'm alone. Time to get in trouble.

""""""""""

XENA

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I am Xena, and I'm the most horrible monster that has ever lived.

I have committed countless sins, I've done everything terrible, I have ruined the world.

But now I want to do better. Now I'm doing good! So I'll be proud of what I do now!

I have regained my focus. I have regained my strength.

Now my journey isn't pointless. Now I have a destination!

I have given birth nine years before, and I have given my son away. After that, I've done everything terrible, I have ruined the world. I may have killed my own son myself.

How is my son? Is he still alive? Have I killed him?

Now my destination is him. I'm going towards where he is, so I could confirm he lives.

But it's a long journey, and I'm taking detours. I'm doing good right now! So I fight every crime that I witness. That takes a lot of time. I may never reach my son at this pace.

And so right now. I'm chasing after a wanted bandit. The damn scum is so slippery. He keeps slipping through my fingers! His luck is unbelievable! Lucky bastard!

Nobody escapes from me! He was just being lucky. But now I've found him, so his luck's ran out. There he is, and his six friends. Just seven of them! I wish there were more. I can do better than this!

And as I'm about to go and have some fun with them.

I look at Gabrielle.

Gabrielle. The kindest soul that I have ever known. I love her so much, I think I live just for her.

Up until now she was kinda dumb. But a day ago, I was on a trial, and she was my defendant. And she was so smart, I couldn't believe it!

Maybe she isn't as dumb as she looks? Maybe she just needed a push, and her true potential has awoken in her?

Before, I wouldn't trust her to bring me water. But now I'm so grateful. Now I want to reward her so much. I would trust her with anything. I would trust her with my life! I would even trust her with my most valuable treasure in the whole world. My horse!

And as I'm about to go and have fun with some bandits. I give an important task to Gabrielle. I trust her with my biggest treasure. Take care of my horse!

Realize how much this means! I trust my very soul to you!

I know you can do it! I know you can do anything! I know your potential is infinite!

And so I let her play with my horse while I go to play with the boys.

Hi boys! It'll hurt me more than it'll hurt you!

I wanna have some fun so much. But it's just seven of them. I wish there were at least fifty. This is gonna be boring.

I know! I'll fight them unarmed! That should give me a good exercise!

And so I beat them up. They do their best. I give them an A for effort. But still. This is boring. I wish to have more! I wish to meet a real challenge!

And so, I defeat them easily. And then... I notice! There was a traveler on a horse right there! Damned fool! What's he staring at?!

And now my bandit hijacks his horse! Now he may escape right from under me!

This darned bastard! What is with him and his insane luck?!

But it's okay. Luck isn't real. We create our own luck! And his HAS run out. Because he met ME!

And I have my own horse, too. The best horse in the universe! Nobody can outrun her!

I whistle for her.

Now they'll see true glory! Now they'll see their true goddess! Now they'll meet their destiny! Now they'll meet my Argo!

...

She isn't coming. That's unpreceeded! What happened to her?!

I whistle again.

Again she isn't coming.

I think I KNOW what happened to her. GABRIELLE happened to her!

I wait. A while later. Argo comes to me, looking guilty. Looking apologetic. As if saying "Sorry I trusted this fool with myself."

Gabrielle! Now I'll never trust you again! With my life, maybe! But not with my horse!

And so I ride away. A habital thought occurs. "I shouldn't leave Gabrielle alone, she'll get in trouble!"

But I shrug it off.

She may have goofed right now, but I won't hold it against her.

She was so smart while on my trial. I'm sure she's smarter now than she was a week ago!

I will only be gone for an hour, anyway. She's talented, but even she can't get in trouble that quickly.

Just an hour. What could possibly happen.

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

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Hey look. Xena left me without supervision. Time to get in trouble!

Hey look. An eerie cave. Let's go in!

I wonder what is it about me and caves and holes of every kind. I see a gaping hole, I wanna get inside it. What's the purpose of curiosity if you don't act on it? Someday this will be my doom. I wonder if all this says anything about me.

Ley look. Suspicious cultists. Let's walk among them! Maybe I'll get virgin-sacrificed again. It's been a while since the last time!

Hey look, they're reading magical spells, and doing it all wrong. I know that language! That's the one! Let's help them!

They all look at me as if I was insane. Well sorry, I didn' know this was a private party!

Hey look, it looks like we're doing magic! I hope I'll awaken some ancient evil. I always wanted to awaken an ancient evil. I haven't seen Xena defeat an ancient evil yet. I wanna see her do that!

Hey look, I have awoken some ancient evil! Hooray! The titans! The nastiest of the nasty! Isn't that great! Now what more can I do?

I know! Let's trick them into becoming my slaves. Tell them I'm a goddess, or something. Whatever!

Then I'll order them to clean up manure. This is all so incredibly fun! I like having slaves!

And they actually believe me! They obey my orders! Did I say they were nasty? They're amazing!

We should hurry to go to Xena. I wanna brag so much! She's gonna be so proud of me!

And so we go back to the village. Me and my pet titans. These cultists are such a nice folk. I forget myself and talk to them for real, the way I do with Xena. For some reason they all get scared and run away. Whatever losers! Their loss.

Just one guy remains. I should reward him for his loyalty. He's kinda cute. I know! I'll reward him with my virginity! I always wanted to lose it!

Then I rejoin with Xena. Hey Xena, look who I brought! Look at our new friends! Aren't I incredible for picking them!

Xena, look! I've become just like you! I do what you do! You picked me! And I picked them!

For some reason she's not happy. Oh cheer up, you worrywart you! It's going to be alright, I'm telling you! They're NICE!

Thank you, Xena. It is only thanks to you that I could do this. You have taught me the true meaning of courage.

They are the titans, the ancient evil, equals to the gods, and they're very nice. And I'm ordering them around. They obey my every command. They're my slaves. I LOVE having slaves!

This greatness that I'm feeling. I feel so grand, I'm getting dizzy. I really am a big deal, aren't I? Maybe I really am a goddess?

It is only thanks to you that I could do it. That I could attain this greatness. Thank you, Xena. You truly have taught me your best! It is only thanks to you that I have learned my true purpose. I really am a goddess, aren't I?

She's still unhappy for some reason. She must be jealous of my success! Thought you were the hot stuff, did you? Taught you some humility, have I?

I really AM a goddess! ! !

And then my slaves come back from their manure-cleaning duty, and they are unhappy for some reason. Apparently they want food. Oh. I didn't think about that. Go on a diet, maybe? One of them just blows on me, and I'm being swept away. I guess the ruse is up. Xena, help!

""""""""""

XENA

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And so, I leave Gabrielle for just an hour. She couldn't get in trouble that quickly.

I ride after my wanted man. He's had a hell of a headstart, but nobody can escape from me! Not when I'm with Argo! The best horse in the universe! I love her so much! I think we may be soulmates!

And so, I make it to him. A hell of a headstart, and I'm at his destination only moments after him. But he wanted a complete escape. So I win!

He grabs a hostage. Ha! He thinks I'll be affected by a hostage! I've done my share of hostage-taking! I know exactly how it's done!

All I need is for him to blink. And then he's mine!

And he blinks. He's mine! I rescue the hostage beautifully! Aren't I incredible!

And then his cutthroat friends come to his rescue. Like twenty of them! Aw, but I wanted fifty! Nothing's enough for me! I think I may be out of control!

My bandit smirks. He thinks he's got me. He thinks he got lucky again. But I won't let luck win this time. I'll create my own luck. No more luck for him! I have him in my grasp, and now nothing will get him out! There's no such luck that can help him now!

Just his twenty friends. Nowhere near enough. But I want a bigger challenge!

And just as I was just about to have good times. Suddenly I hear it.

There are giants approaching us. Right towards the village. Three of them.

What the Tartarus. I grab my bandit tighter. But I thought he can't keep getting lucky?

Three giants. Is this the end times? I said I wanted more. But I can't fight three giants, all at once! What the hell brought them here?!

Suddenly Gabrielle.

Comes forward with a smile. Wants to help me out. Run you fool! There are giants right next to us!

Talks to my playmates happily, instead. This IS the end times, isn't it?

And then the roof raises. There's one of them. What does this loser want?!

My playmates run. Gabrielle... follows, happily.

Suddenly. I get a very bad feeling about this. Do I even wanna peek out?

I stay in. I dont dare. I really don't wanna find out what's happening. The hunch is too terrifying.

I don't wanna look. But I still hear it all.

I hear Gabielle issuing commands at the giants. And they obey.

Worse than I thought.

Gabrielle commands them. And they obey her orders.

The victorious haze I got after defeating Ares dissipates.

Hey, isn't this kinda dangerous? They're giants after all. One good stomp, and it's over?

Hey. Why do they obey Gabrielle? How'd that happen?

How'd she... meet three giants... and trick them into obeying her orders... while I glanced away from her? I was only gone for half an hour!

Hey Gabrielle. You sure we can survive this? You're playing with fire, kinda.

Hey Gabrielle. How'd you trick them?

Won't they be angry when they know it's just you?

Hey Gabrielle. You've brought them to a village, just now.

Will the village survive this?

Hey Gabrielle. Are you sane?

I feel like a village fool for doing this. But I walk outta towards her. Maybe we can still talk this out?

She laughs and smiles proudly. I don't think she's sane, after all.

Says they're the titans, and they're nice.

Titans? Not giants? Those that Zeus couldn't kill so he sealed them?

Couldn't kill because... they're equal to gods?

...

They call her goddess.

She made them think she's a goddess, and is now ordering them around.

... We aren't gonna survive this one, are we?

And then she orders them to clean manure.

We are so not surviving this.

I try to talk sense to her, but she won't listen. She's mad, isn't she?

I try to be patient. I try to take pity. She's dumb after all. She can't help it.

Right now, there are THE TITANS cleaning manure on her command. They're gone now, but they'll be back an hour later.

And then they'll know they've been duped. And then they'll destroy the village.

Forgive me, people of this village. I've brought Gabrielle upon you!

I try to reason. She's immune to reason.

She's actually proud! She really is our doom!

My patience snaps.

I should have ran away from her the instant I saw her! In fact, I did! But she chased after me! And now she follows me everywhere! I can't get rid of her! And now she has brought doom upon us all! Someone help, I'm being chased by a doom-bringing madwoman!

...

Calm down. Think rationally.

...

This nutjob has brought THE TITANS upon us, with a smile! There's no rationalizing this!

...

Okay, try anyway. Think calmly. How can we get out of this one? Maybe if we trick them to look the other way, we can escape?

Gabrielle will not escape, she is too foolish and cannot be controlled!

...

This is a dead end. All I can do is watch this unfold helplessly. Gabrielle really is destiny itself! She is not a person! She's an element of nature!

She's a menace to society!

And all this happened because I took my eyes of her for half an hour. Half an hour!

She really is a walking catastrophe! A walking sacrifice! I can't take my eyes off her! The instant I take my eyes off her, she self-destructs! What is with her self-destructing every chance she gets?

I thought "Hey, this girl wants to die with me, maybe she's actually serious!" But apparently I was wrong! Maybe she just has a death wish in general!

Gabrielle. Why are you self-destructive like this? What did your parents do to make you such a mess? Were you like this before we met?

Okay, calm down. Maybe if I try to... reason with her... maybe then I can talk some sense into her?

And so I try. Try and talk to her like she's three years old. "To have the titans as pets is a big responsibility. What will you feed them?" I can't believe I'm saying this. I can't believe myself trying to reason with a madwoman!

I can't believe this new life I'm having with her!

Some guy is clinging to her. Agrees with her every word, says everything she wants to hear. He clearly wants to get into her pants, and she's falling for it the whole way. But I can hear the titans coming back already. They don't have time. They'll die virgins.

All reason bounces off her. She plans to take the titans all across the world, and have them clean manure everywhere.

She just wants to conquer the world, is all.

I hear them getting close. We only have minutes left to live, don't we?

They're here. Gabrielle walks out toward doom, happily.

Oooh I bet they're gonna figure this out within seconds.

I stay in again. I don't wanna see this. I'm ashamed. Maybe I should just dump her? She's clearly beyond help.

They demand she gives them food. The villagers start wandering away from her slowly. They all can see where this is going.

But she can't. She keeps playing, happily. She taunts them more and more. Their patience snaps.

And then the ruse is up. She only lasted seconds.

Guess we're all gonna die right now?

But apparently not. The titans don't kill them all. They only demands food, and want to bring Gabielle somewhere. No village-destroying yet. Maybe this can still be salvaged?

Maybe they can still just leave peacefully? But they want Gabrielle.

Do I choose the village, or do I choose Gabrielle? Tough choice.

After some consideration. I reluctantly choose Gabrielle.

There are many villages out there, but only one Gabrielle.

I've destroyed enough villages, anyway. Guess this one'll be Gabrielle's first.

Oookay, I guess. I emerge. Time to protect my idiot. She may be an idiot. But she's MY idiot. I have big plans for her.

And just like that. I challenge three titans to a battle.

Oh Gabrielle, you really are my doom.

Can titans even be wounded? They aren't giants. They're equal to gods! Just how doomed are we?

Maybe this can still end peacefuly, somehow? The village's right there.

And then he wants to stomp me. Bad move cos I got a sword! To the Tartarus with it! Now we'll see if they can be wounded!

The sword works. He screams in pain. Good! They can be wounded. Now I'll just have to kill 'em all!

Buuut this is bad. They're attacking now. Goodbye village! It was a nice one.

I knew I should have dumped Gabrielle on the road somewhere.

Gabrielle's guy leads us to a temple. A sanctuary! Thanks guy! Gabrielle should reward you with her virginity!

We run, and I drag my captured bandit with everything I've got. Even if the world ends now, he isn't escaping from me another time!

This village is both fortunate and unfortunate, at the same time. It's unfortunate because I brought Gabrielle upon it. But it's fortunate it has a temple right next to it. A sanctuary! So Gabrielle hasn't doomed the whole populace. Only the part that didn't run fast enough!

And so we hide in the temple. Refugees keep coming in. Guess these titans aren't as bloodthirsty as I thought. They don't wanna destroy the whole humanity.

Just me and Gabrielle!

And they're dumb, too. Believed Gabrielle. Haven't taken hostages to lure us out. Maybe we can still talk it out? Try and fool them? If Gabrielle fooled them, anyone can!

And just as I think that. The titan guy announces he's gonna be killing everybody he sees until I'm brought to him. Promises rewards, too!

Guess they aren't dumb, just slow.

The people immediately want us out. Both me and Gabrielle. I can relate to that!

This means we aren't safe in here. We are the target, and the people are the enemy. We'll get ambushed any moment.

To fix this, I need to convince people the titans cannot be trusted, and I, should. I'm good at tricking people into trusting me! A little stage play is in order.

My bandit guy speaks up. Wants to join the titans. I wanted to hand him over to authorities. Looks like he'll be my tool, instead.

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

""""""""""

And then the titans get angry and destroy the village. Sorry, village! It was a nice one!

But we're safe! My guy leads us to a temple!

Thanks, guy! The more I know you, the more I like you! Maybe you're my soulmate? I should reward you with my virginity.

We'll be safe in this temple! Not even beings as nasty as the titans would dare to destroy a temple!

They have destroyed the village though. Is it part my fault? I'm slightly sorry.

Somehow I get the feeling that Xena's lost all respect for me today. Oh well, she'll get over it.

People give me weird looks. They appear angry at me for some reason. Have I done anything bad?

They call me "the evil virgin". That's very rude. I'm not evil, I'm a hero!

I said I wanted a title of my own. But did it have to be "Evil Virgin"? I don't like it.

But my guy. He sticks by me! He chats at me. He agrees with everything I say, he says everything I want to hear! I think I'm falling in love with him! Can we get married in this temple?

And so we sit there surrounded by wounded refugees and have the nicest, happiest chat in the world. And then Xena's bandit ruins our mood. But we were about to get married! Xena should fix him for this!

He says nasty things! Xena, joining the titans! She would never! She fights AGAINST evil, not FOR it! He doesn't get her at all! I think we should gag him.

And then Xena goes to rescue some kids. Good thing we have Xena!

Now about our wedding!

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

And then they say there's some kids out there for me to rescue. Right on time. I need to get gone for the scheme to progress. On my way!

Leaving my bandit there without a gag. I have a role for him to play!

And then I go into the eerie cave. What possessed Gabrielle to enter it, anyway? She has weird interests.

The titans are fighting among themselves. Good! Hope they kill each other. Less work for me.

I bring the kids out during the turmoil.

Bring them to the temple. Come towards my ambush. Hope they won't be hitting me with shovels!

Aw, just a sword. But it's okay, I was prepared, so I roll with it.

They tie me up and cart me away. I sneakily escape.

The titans kill my captors, just like they're supposed to.

Hey, look, now there's just two of them. They are killing each other! So they *can* be killed.

Time to investigate what they want. Sneaky-sneaky.

Oh, they plan to awaken hundreds of other titans. And then destroy the world.

If these three could. No reason the rest of them can't.

Guess humanity won't be surviving this one! And all thanks to Gabrielle. I knew she had infinite potential. I knew she should have stayed home.

Time to return to the temple. Now we'll be safe there - the people who betrayed me to the titans are dead. The titans cannot be trusted! And I'm the only hope!

All according to plan.

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

""""""""""

I stay to flirt with my future husband while Xena goes to rescue some kids. Good luck Xena!

Xena is so good! She has everything under control!

More refugees come in. Some are wounded. I happily help the wounded! I like being helpful.

I don't actually know how to treat wounds. So I just pat them sympathetically. That counts for something, right?

People recoil from me for some reason. They're being unreasonable.

More refugees and more wounded come. Hey. That's a lot of refugees. Is it partially my fault? I didn't mean to! It wasn't me! It was destiny! I feel slightly bad.

And then Xena comes back, and people attack her! They throw nets at her!

Oh no! Not again! Wasn't one time enough?

Again, everybody hates Xena! Again I'm the only one who likes her! Do we have to do the whole thing all over again?

At least she fights back this time?

But they knock her out, anyway.

...

Do I worry, or do I not worry?

The last time this happened. All hell broke loose. I had to fight the whole world for Xena. I had to fight Xena for Xena.

But this time. She fought back?

Maybe she learned her lesson? Maybe she's smarter this time?

They tie her up and drive her out in a cuffin.

...

Do I worry, or do I not worry?

... I guess I don't worry.

Last time, it was just Xena who was in trouble. She wouldn't fight for herself.

But this time. It's an entire village of people who are in trouble! Those poor people who have lost their entire village to the evil destiny! Xena will never abandon people in trouble.

So I guess she'll get out of this one, somehow. I'll have faith!

They tie me up, too. These people hate me for some reason. All I did was try and conquer the world with the titans! Is that so bad?

And it's Xena's bandit guy that instigated this whole thing. I knew she had to gag him! Guess even Xena makes oversights.

So now I'm sitting there, tied up and waiting for Xena to come rescue me.

I'm tied up. I don't particularly enjoy the sensation. Some people like this?

But I'm tied right next to my future husband! What else is a better proof that we're meant for each other? We aren't tied by ropes! We're tied by destiny!

We wait and wait and wait. Xena's taking a while.

I hate waiting. I become dangerous when I get bored. I don't like being idle, I don't like being useless.

At least I'm not alone this time. I'm surrounded by people! I have people to talk with.

But they won't talk to me, for some reason. Nasty people! They don't recognize a good thing when they see one.

It's like the whole world hates me now. I'm just like Xena.

Hey Xena, look at me! I've become just like you. Everybody hates me now, too! This feels sorta bad. How does Xena stand it? She's very strong!

But it's alright. I still have my husband! He still talks to me. He is just an all around pleasant guy! It's like he sees the world in me! He treats me the same way I treat Xena! That's amazing!

And so I sit there and have a pleasant conversation with my husband. He agrees to everything I say! He's very well-trained.

Actually. I can do better than that! They won't talk to me. But *I* can still talk to them!

And so I sit there tied happily, and tell people my incredible stories. The room is small - they can't help but listen to me. They are my captive audience, and I'll have my way with them!

Oh I can already feel my magic words affecting them. Turning them into their new selves! Showing them their way to true happiness! I am ascending!

Then they propose to gag me. Nasty people. They would reject their own happiness!

But I clam up for now. But I'm not defeated! I still tell stories inside my head. I'm still the victor! They lose when they deny this happiness. I will not be broken! Nothing will defeat me!

And so I sit there tied happily, having conversations with myself inside my head. I avoided getting gagged. I kept my dignity! I'm proud!

And then Xena comes back. Alive! I wasnt really worried. Honest!

And people all accept her! Everybody celebrates her! Same people who put her in nets before! Again Xena changes people! Everybody becomes better when they see Xena!

My husband praises Xena. This is lovely! I want them to be friends. I wish they would kiss.

This is happiness!

And then Xena says the titans plan to awaken hundreds of others of their kind. Bummer.

Hey. Doesn't that mean humanity is doomed? I did all that? I sometimes scare myself!

Then Xena says she plans to make a trap for the titans. Smart Xena! She always makes things better!

And then my husband tells me we can put the titans back to sleep with another spell.

Another spell? Just like the one before? Again, with ME reading it? I really like that!

He is also smart! I'm so lucky! Both people I love are very smart!

I knew the trap plan wasn't good enough! They're the titans! They can break a trap! My plan's better! Because it'll be me who does it!

This is glorious! I wanted to do something so bad!

We happily tell everything to Xena!

I tell her the one who'll read that spell will be me!

Finally! My destiny has found me! Finally I found my role! Finally! I'll do something useful, for once!

I'm so happy! The happiest moment of my life is now!

And then Xena forbids it.

...

But it's my destiny! My role! My future!

Xena still forbids me.

She easily shrugs me off.

As if I was nothing.

...

How can she. But what about my destiny? My role? My value?

I'm at a loss of words. How can she! Doesn't she realize how important this is? Am I nothing at all to her?

I'm in shock. Something is very, VERY wrong with this. But I can't figure it out. I must think.

My guy grabs me by the shoulders and brings me to bed. But I'm not in the mood. Not tonight, I have a headache.

I'm thinking about Xena.

Xena.

The ultimate human being. The ideal the whole humanity should aspire to.

I was nothing before I met her. But then I met her. And realized that I had a potential inside me.

Realized that my helpless self is not the real me. My real me is who I want to be.

And so I followed after her, thinking I can grow into the real me if I'm with her.

She is the ultimate human. She can do anything. She's so great, it's her duty to share her greatness with others. With me.

And now, we travel together for a month. And... I'm still nothing. She's taught me nothing. I've achieved nothing.

She is the greatest human that has ever lived. Yet she doesn't share her greatness with me, at all.

Why? Why is she like this?

Something is very wrong with this. But I can't figure out what. I must think further.

When I lived in my village. Nobody saw me for anything. Everybody thought I can't be anything.

And now I travel with Xena, the greatest human, the near-goddess. And she also... doesn't let me become anything.

Why? Why is she like this?

Xena is the most valuable person in the world. Yet she... prevents me from helping her.

She leaves me in every tavern, in order to do her own thing without me.

I want her to teach me fighting, she unreasonably refuses.

I wanna go dancing with her. She won't let me even that.

No matter what I need. She won't let me do it.

I was nothing before I met her. But I had a potential inside me. Potential that couldn't become real if I stayed in my village. If I was held back.

But then I saw Xena. And through her, I awakened to my real self. She inspired me into freedom.

I left my village thinking this way I will attain value. But nothing works. Not even with Xena I can attain value.

Actually. "Not even with Xena I can attain value"? That's not true. The truth is something else.

The truth is... Xena is preventing me from having a value.

Even Xena is holding me back.

She has everything. Yet she lets me have nothing.

Why is she like this?

She's the most valuable person in the world. Yet she prevents me from attaining a value of my own.

She won't let me do what I want. She won't let me attain a value.

Why is she like this? What is her cause?

She is the ultimate freedom. She knows everything. She can do everything. She does anything she wants. She is the ultimate human.

But next to her is me. Me who can't do anything.

Me who could be anything I want, too. But I can't. Because SHE holds me down.

I can do things. Yet she won't let me.

Why is she like this? Is it greed? Vanity?

She is the ultimate human. But next to her, I'm worthless.

Does she... want me to be worthless? She wants me to stay worthless so she could be better compared to me?

She's greedy to this extent?

But I'm only worthless because she won't let me do anything.

Does she think I'm not good for anything?

But I could be. Yet she won't let me.

She doesn't want me to become something.

She wants me to stay small and insignificant?

Because she's incredible. And next to her. I'm nothing.

And she sees that, too.

She doesn't see any value in me.

She thinks... I'm not good enough.

First I couldn't be anything because my village was holding me down.

And now. I can't be anything because Xena holds me down.

Xena. Who can be anything. Who has everything.

And me. Who is nothing. Who has nothing.

Nothing because... Xena won't let me.

Why is she like this?

Our every day could be our last. But she lets me nothing, teaches me nothing. Shares with me nothing. All she's ever doing. Is wasting every day that we have.

Why is she like this? Why does she waste our miracle?

She just has everything. Yet she won't let me have a single thing.

She could teach me her greatness, could make me great, too. But she... is keeping me worthless.

She has everything. But won't let me have anything.

But she's so good to others. She's the ultimate goodness. Why is she so greedy with me? Why do I stand out from among others? Why does she single me out, and prevents me from having anything?

Why is she like this? What is her cause?

Why would she be good to others... but be greedy with me?

Why is she like this? I love her so much. I would do anything for her. I would die for her.

But she... she gives me nothing, she lets me do nothing... she cares for me, nothing.

She doesn't care about me at all.

Why is she like this? The cause... can be only one.

She... doesn't love me.

I love her more than life. But she... doesn't love me.

That's what wrong with this.

I love her so much I would die for her. But she does not love me.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

Why doesn't she love me? Why? But I'm so good to her!

Or maybe I'm not! But I can be! I can be good to her! I know I can! If only she'd let me!

I could be so good to her. But she won't let me.

She doesn't let me be good to her. She prevents me from being good to her.

Why? Why does she reject me? In what way am I lacking?

I could be so good to anybody. I could have anybody. Yet I'm choosing her.

Yet she doesn't want me.

She has me. She keeps me. But she doesn't value me.

She keeps me. But she doesn't want me.

She lets me love her. But she won't love me back.

I could have anybody. Yet I'm wasting myself on her.

What we have is a miracle. And she is wasting it. She is wasting our miracle.

That we met, the miracle of our meeting, is my biggest treasure, my biggest achievement.

But to her... it's nothing.

Why is she like this? What is it that I'm lacking that she wants in me? What is it that prevents her from seeing the real me? In what way am I not good enough?

Maybe it's the age difference? Maybe I'm too young for her? But it can't be true. I'm quite mature for my age!

Maybe... I'm not as good as I think? Maybe I'm lacking?

Maybe because... I'm not any good to her at all? I only think I am, but it's not true at all?

Maybe I only think I'm good, but reality is, I really am worthless?

I may be worthless now. But if only she'd help me grow! I could be anything!

But she doesn't help me grow, because... she doesn't see any value in me.

I'm worthless, and she can see it.

But I don't wanna be worthless. I know I have a value! I know I can become anything!

I may be worthless now. But it's not true. I KNOW I could be something incredible, if only given a chance!

This worthless, helpess self isn't the real me!

The real me is who I want to be! And I want to be like her!

My real self, is who I'll be!

But she won't let me. She lets me be with her. But she won't help me grow.

I hate this. How can she keep me, yet never see me!

She thinks I'm worthless. She thinks she can't rely on me. She thinks I don't know what I'm doing. She thinks I'm just a kid.

She doesn't love me. She thinks I'm not good enough.

Does she think I'm not good for anything? But my talents! My destiny! My future! I'm sure I can do things!

If she doesn't want me, if she doesn't let me... why does she take me with her? What am I to her?

She takes me with her. But she doesn't love me. She doesn't let me have anything.

Why is she like this?

Is it greed? Contempt? Sadism?

Why does she let me love her... but doesn't love me back?

It hurts. It hurts so much.

It hurts to be unwanted! ! !

How can she let me love her! Yet not love me back!

How can she be amazing! Yet keep me as nothing!

I've lived my whole life in my village, in which nobody saw a value in me. Everybody only tolerated me.

Then I saw Xena, and in her, I saw the most valuable person in the universe.

So I thought. If I'm with her. Then she'll teach me to have a value. She will give me a value.

And now I'm with her. And I'm still nothing. She doesn't value me at all.

I love her so much. But she doesn't love me.

She's so valuable. But I'm worthless.

I have found the most valuable person in the universe. And next to her, I'm nothing.

No matter what I do. No matter where I go. My whole life.

I'm always nothing.

It hurts. It hurts to be nothing. It hurts to be nothing next to her.

Why is she like this? Why doesn't she help me become something? Why is she so evil?

Stingy, greedy Xena. She won't let me have a value. I love her, but she doesn't love me.

I love her so much I would die for her. But she doesn't care about me.

I'm with her but she wouldn't mind if I were gone.

Having met her, is my biggest treasure. My proudest achievement.

But to her... it's nothing.

I love her so much, I would endure anything for her. But she wouldn't mind if I left.

My biggest treasure. Is nothing to her.

If I'm with her. Then I'll stay worthless all my life.

If Xena wants me to be worthless... then I'll be worthless.

...

No. I hate this.

She is wrong. I'm not worthless.

I WILL have a value.

I won't allow this! I HAVE a value!

She is wrong. And I will fight her for it!

I'll show her my value!

I'll MAKE my own value. I'll make my own worth.

I'll prove to her I have a value. She doesn't value me, other people will value me. She doesn't want me, other people will want me.

She doesn't love me, other people will love me.

She won't have me, then anybody will have me.

She thinks I'm just a kid. I'll prove it that I'm an adult.

She doesn't love me. I'll let anybody love me.

How dare she! How dare she deny everything to me!

How dare she! Deny my true life to me!

Does she look down on me? She thinks I can't handle things?!

She doesn't believe in my capabilities?! She thinks I'm useless? She thinks I'm just a kid?!

I'll show her! I am very mature! I, too, can do everything!

I'll prove my maturity to her!

She thinks I'm a kid? I'll show her just how grown-up I am!

I will go and have sex with the first guy I see! That'll teach her!

I too, know how to have sex! I asked mother! You and a guy go into the bedroom, and then he'll do everything for you! I got limbs! I too, can bring a guy into the bedroom!

My vision turns red. I decide that and get up, rush out! I think I scream. I think I let out a battlecry. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore! I'm not a person anymore, I'm an element of nature!

I run out and see a man, and jump at him. He repels in horror but I attack! He thinks he can get away from me! But I need this! He gets armed with a chair, but I'm not scared. He looks at me as if I was a monster, looks ready to fight for his life. But he can't win. I'll have him!

Hm. Now that I look at him, he is kinda old and ugly. I don't like them wrinkly. Hmm maybe not this one?

I run around again until I see another guy. I jump at him! This one's slower, so I get my death grip on him. Now he'll be mine! He's weak, he can't escape! He cries, scared. I inspect my catch. Also old and wrinkly. Hmm not this one, either. Gotta find another! I run around, inspecting every guy I see, but none is to my liking. Where do I find a good guy?

People are running and screaming at the sight of me, for some reason.

Where do I find a good guy? ... I know! There was that, husband, guy of mine! I sorta liked him. He'll do!

I run and run and run to find him. He's nowhere to be found but I persist. I search and search and search! Where is he hiding! The temple is not that big!

There he is! I jump at him and grab him by the robe. He tries to run away but I am stronger. I pull him to a secluded place. I drag him by the hair into my cave!

And so we reach a private room, and I kiss him with all my might! We almost break our noses and teeth! He resists at first but then he gets into it!

Now I'll show her! Now she'll know!

If Xena doesn't want me! Then this guy'll have me!

Right away, we're eating each other's faces. Making out with everything we've got!

Our passion consumes us! The passion's so hot it's burning! I am heat, and I shall burn!

Actually... I'm not? ... It doesn't work. Why not? I'm not into it. What's wrong with me?

He's perfectly handsome and willing. Not one problem with him.

... That's gotta be me that's wrong.

Or maybe that's not wrong. Maybe it's just fate. Maybe this just means he isn't my intended. I just need to keep searching?

But I want this! If we don't... how can I show her? How do I prove how grown-up I am? How do I teach her she should want me?

I try and kiss him more! But it doesn't work. The passion isn't there.

I guess I can't. But I want to! Yet I can't.

How do I live if Xena doesn't want me?

Passion isn't there. Instead, another emotion fills me.

I crumble down and cry. The guy embraces and consoles me.

He's so kind and understanding. He'll make a good wife someday.

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

And so we build a trap. It's just wood and ropes, but it should hold one for just a moment. Just long enough for me. They can be killed, after all.

Then Gabrielle and her guy of the week come to me enthusiasticly, and try to tell me something. But in the midst, forget what it was and start praising each other nonstop instead. Why don't you two get married already!

I stop them and have the guy tell me what it is. He seems smarter than Gabrielle.

Apparently there's another spell that can put them back to stone. But it'll have to be Gabrielle that reads it. While right next to them. Plan denied, our trap is good enough.

Also, if they need her to awaken all the others, then we can't afford to get her captured. Humanity's at stake!

Gabrielle insists she wants this. She doesn't know anything she does. Denied!

We'll do it in the night. Time to sleep right now!

I wake up right on time. Wake everybody involved up. Where's Gabrielle?

I look around. And I find her. Sleeping with that guy, embracing intimately.

The very picture of peace. The very picture of pain.

What the hell. She only met him today! Is this her trait? She just jumps at any good-looking guy she sees? She's easy! Maybe even easier than me!

I can never have her. I don't have the right to hold her back.

So now she'll have this guy. Guess she doesn't need me anymore?

If I love her. Then I want her to be happy with anybody else.

Guess... it's time she found someone else. Someone better than me.

I don't know who this guy is. But I know this. Anybody's better than me.

I am her death. I can only ruin her. Her leaving should be my happiness.

Good luck to him. Gabrielle is a lot of work to handle. He'll need all the luck he can get.

If only I was better.

Still. I thought we'd stay together a little longer than this.

She deserves better than me.

But I thought she cared about me more than this?

This hussy.

I guess I was just a stepping stone to her. She got what she wanted, so now she doesn't need me anymore.

She is shallow, she is just a teen. She'll forget anything should she look away from it. What we had, couldn't have ever been anything serious. All we ever had, was just a game. Short-lived and pointless.

I was a fool to have ever thought about more.

She never really wanted me, she just thought she did. So now she'll have this guy, and forget all about me.

I never really mattered to her.

She wakes up, and she gets ready. And then she taunts me.

!

She... cares what I think? So I still matter to her a little?

She's taunting me! She's verbally attacking me! And I don't know how to respond! She's kinda scary! What's her deal?!

Is she mad at me? She's seething mad at me! What did I do?!

I don't know what it is, but I apologize!

Is this about the "improve" comment? I should have been gentler!

"You think I'm just a kid!"

What? Where'd that come from? Of course she is, but why does she care?

She cares what I think. Did she... go for this guy just to spite me?

She wants to spite me? Because she loves me but I don't love her back? So she's angry and wants to lash out and ruin herself just so I could stop her?

But I can't stop her. I don't want her falling deeper with me. I want her to have a happy life away from me.

But instead, she's gonna tarnish herself for my sake.

She loves me, she wants me to love her back, so now she's going to sleep with anybody just to spite me. And I will let her because I'm not worth her.

If I have her, I tarnish her. If I don't have her, she'll tarnish herself. There's no way out!

She really is self-destructive to the highest degree.

How do I handle her? I can't figure it out.

I guess I wait.

She's shallow. She'll forget me easily. if I just wait, the problem will be over.

I'm just her phase, and it will pass.

I only need to wait.

But right now she's mad. How do I calm her down?

If I tell her now that I care about her. That will be encouraging her! I don't want her falling for me deeper! She needs a good life away from me, soon!

But she's mad at me! I don't want her mad! How else can I calm her down?!

AAARGH, I can't figure it out! Stop the conversation, I'll think about it later!

Let's just go and kill the titans now! Easier than figuring this out!

She can stay mad for now. She's shallow, she'll forget about it in three seconds. What can happen!

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

""""""""""

We wake up to Xena.

Hey. Xena caught us in bed. This isn't what I planned. But it'll do! Let her THINK I've done it!

There, Xena! Happy now? Gabrielle, all adult now! Gabrielle with somebody else! Now you'll have to take me seriously! Now you'll know what you're missing!

I thought she'd look at me with respect. I thought she'd see my value. I thought she'd get jealous. But instead. She looks disappointed.

She still looks at me as if I was stupid.

Darnit! The scheme didn't work! Another failure!

Nothing I do is ever right! This is infuriating!

Why doesn't she SAY anything?! Do I matter this little to her?!

She just wants to leave? Oh no you don't! JUST YOU WAIT!

Don't go! Don't leave like this! Say something! Say anything that matters! Make this stop!

Look at this, Xena. I'm with another guy! Doesn't this frustrate you not even a bit? Don't you want to stop this?

Our every day could be our last! You have me! But you don't value me! But I don't have to be with you! I could leave anytime I want!

Don't I matter any at all to you?! You really don't mind me leaving?! I'm with some guy right now! I could leave right now! Tell me to stay!

She looks nervous. She doesn't like this? Well if you don't like this, then stop this!

If you don't like this. If you don't want me leaving. Then how dare you hold me back when you don't want me for yourself!

It's none of your business! Then MAKE this your business!

Tell me to stop! Tell me to stay! Tell me you want me! Give me a reason to stay! Make it so my love for you is not for nothing! ! !

She's apologetic. But this isn't good enough! I don't want an apology! I want respect! I want recognition! I want love!

Value me! Stop me from leaving you!

Love me back, if just a little!

Give me a value! Make me yours!

Tell me what I am to you! ! !

She just shrugs me off and leaves.

...

Still she leaves. Still she doesn't say a single thing that matters.

Right now. I may leave for another guy. And she won't stop me.

She doesn't love me not a bit.

It's true. I am just her charity project. She does want me gone.

I love her more than life itself. But to her, I'm nothing.

I will not be nothing.

I will not be worthless.

I will prove my worth to her.

I'll make her regret neglecting me.

You want this trap plan of yours! But my spell plan is better! I'll prove it!

I'll prove my worth to you, Xena! I'll make you respect me yet! You will know what you're missing!

I'll go, and do my plan alone, right now, when you aren't looking!

That'll teach you to neglect me! That'll teach you to take your eyes off me!

Right now I'll go and fight three titans by myself! Because my role model is Xena! If Xena can challenge the gods and win! Then so can I!

And so I sneak into the titans' lair. They're all sleeping, just like Xena planned.

I sneak past them. Those dumb titans! I'm smarter! I'm superior!

If Xena can challenge the gods and win! Then so can I!

And just as I grab my magic scroll! Just as I'm about to prove my real worth!

Suddenly, there's a cage around me. I'm captured!

Guess I didn't think this through.

And now they bring another scroll to me. They want me to read another spell. The one that'll destroy humanity.

I try and stall as long as I can. I know Xena's coming to the rescue. But they hurry me up!

Hey, now that I think of it. They're kinda big. This is kinda scary. Couldn't they just smash me flat if they wanted to? Like, one good stomp, and it's all over? Why didn't I think about that before?

Hmm. Xena isn't coming. How do I stall?

Oh. I remember. I used to have talking skills. But they never work. So I forgot about them.

They never work. But they're all I have. Guess, nothing to it!

I try and tell them stories. And unexpectedly. It works! They gape and listen!

Even the angry guy titan is very interested.

They're kinda stupid. Maybe I could trick them into becoming my slaves yet?

I talk and talk and talk. I think I've charmed them into obedience by now!

I truly have magic talking skills! How could I ever doubt them!

And then the guy titan resists my charm. Remembers he wanted the spell from me.

But how can he! But my magical speech! I apply it again! He resists again! His resistances are high! My superpowers stop working on him! Diminishing returns!

Aw, what's taking Xena so long?

He insists I do the spell.

Oh well. Guess I'll just read it real slowly, now?

Or maybe! Read it wrong! Then tell them it's not me, it's the spell! Maybe the spell is defective? They wouldn't know!

I read it a hundred different ways wrong. The guy makes me read it a hundred different ways, again and again.

This works real well for stalling.

Good thing they don't know Xena's coming. They aren't in a hurry anywhere.

We could do this forever!

The guy is throwing a tantrum. Guess I've irritated him too much.

An opportunity! I could use this to stall more!

I'll talk him into anything!

Actually. So far they've been so stupid. That I lost all fear of them.

Was I really afraid of these losers? Ha!

They're so simple minded. Maybe if I just tell them it's not the spell, it's me, then they'll just let me go?

Why'd they kill me just because I didn't match their preferences!

And so I tell them. Hey, did this spell need a virgin? That's not me! I lost that just this night!

And then he wants to kill me for it. Guess I've irritated him into fury!

Just like Xena, he likes them pure!

But it doesn't matter. Because then Xena comes to the rescue!

Took her long enough! I stretched my bullshitting skills to their maximum capability!

Now she'll fix them!

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

We're getting ready to transport our trap. And then I notice. Gabrielle's been missing a while.

Oh no. But I only took my eyes off her for five minutes! I just went to pee! What's she up to, this time?

Did she just go to the titans alone? But I forbad that!

I underestimated her! She's uncontrollable! I should have tied her up!

Good thing they want her alive. Means she's safe for now. Unless she irritates them into fury!

But she may or may not destroy humanity, at this point!

Geez, this trap is large and heavy. It's meant to hold a titan, after all. It'll take us forever to transport and install it. Can Gabrielle stall that long? Guess I'll just have to trust her bullshitting skills. She's very good at it!

Takes us two hours. At a turtle pace! But we make it to the darned cave. I can hear Gabrielle's stupid voice a mile ahead. She's doing good! She's talking nonsense, happily. Her bullshitting skills win!

Takes us forever to install the trap, though. But it's alright. Gabrielle can do it! Nobody can stop Gabrielle from talking nonsense! I know I can't!

Finally everything's set. Time for me to go and... fight the titans. Oh boy.

I emerge. Just the guy reacts. The woman is passive. I goad and provoke him. Run around while cackling mad.

...

When my eyes opened to who I really am, I thought if I live, my life will be a greek tragedy. But apparently, it's an absurdist comedy. Thanks to a certain irritating blonde! She's just turning my life into anything she wants it to be! She's just turning me into a helpless marionette in her hands!

What are you doing with me, Gabrielle! You have turned my life into a comedy! You are ridiculous! There is never a dull moment with you!

Ka-ka-ka! Ke-ke-ke! Yes, follow me, you mighty, ancient giant titan, an equal to gods! I will fight you with my tiny self! I really am mad, aren't I?

The titans are equal to the gods! Can they even be killed by mortal means? What in the Tartarus am I doing! Gabrielle, you are my doom!

This is a tragedy! This is a disaster! This is a catastrophe!

...

I haven't had this much fun in my entire life before.

I began my life as a village girl. It took detours, but look where I am now. Now I'm running around fighting an ancient titan while cackling mad.

I was afraid of going dull. I was afraid to settle down. I was afraid of being normal.

And here I am, fighting an ancient evil with a smile.

I thought I was nothing. I thought I was done. I thought that my journey's over. I thought that I wasted the life that I was given, and there's nothing left.

And now I'm living my life to the fullest, being the way I was always meant to be.

I have become what I always wanted to be.

My life is at its fullest at this moment.

The happiest moment of my life is now.

And then I trap him. Hi stupid! I'm your death!

You wanted to fight the gods? You wanted to destroy humanity?

Well, this human will destroy you, now!

And as I'm about to! Suddenly.

"Please don't kill him!"

The titan woman stops me. She begs. In despair. While crying.

An echo rings inside my head. "Please don't kill him."

Memories flash in. There used to be times when women would beg me to stop. Yet I would still kill their men. Their husbands and sons. Yet I would still continue making the world hell for everybody. Yet I would still continue ruining the world, ruining everything, ruining myself.

And now. The same thing. Again I'm killing those who are loved. Again I'm making widows and orphans.

I hate this. This is painful. But I can't stop now. We can't avoid this.

If he lives. He'll just keep killing, keep destroying. He'll find another virgin, and do what he wants. He will destroy humanity.

Our world is a world of murder. It's kill or be killed. We can't dtop this. There isn't a better way. We're trapped.

I hate this so much. I wish a way out existed.

And then the titan woman brings up a scroll. The spell that'll put them back to stone. She didn't destroy it?! Why?

I look at her and I see. Dried tears around her eyes.

There used to be three of them, but now one is dead. And so she's mourning.

So this is why she kept the scroll. She also wants a bloodless resolution. She also knows that our world is horrible. She also wishes we could avoid bloodshed.

If we just put them back to stone. Then it will be like it was still Zeus who did it! It'll mean we didn't commit any sins in this!

It will mean we don't have to take lives. We get to stay pure. We get to salvage the world.

Hey. Isn't this what Gabrielle suggested in the first place? Is this what she's thinking? A clean way to resolve things? She thought about it that far? Maybe she isn't as stupid as I think?

And all I ever think about, is murder. All I ever do is ruin things. Make the world a horrid place.

While she. She thinks about what's best for everybody.

Forgive me, Gabrielle. I thought badly about you. My mistake.

And so I look at the giant stupid face right next to me. My sword is at his throat.

I have his life in my hands right now. I can end this instantly.

If we go the spell route. He'll break the trap in moments. Can Gabrielle read that fast?

He'll go after Gabrielle when he breaks free. Do I dare to risk Gabrielle in order to obtain a better development?

If I just kill 'em all. It'll be a bloodshed. But things will end fine. A bit more blood on my hands doesn't matter. The world is already horrible. A bit more doesn't matter.

But if I let him go now. Then I'm risking Gabrielle's life to make things easier for myself.

Do I dare be selfish?

I look at Gabrielle. She's been feeling down lately. Thinks she isn't doing enough. She wants to make something out of herself so much. She wants me to take her seriously.

But how can I take her seriously when she's an idiot so much?!

...

But she really, really wants this. So much, she was willing to risk her life to try and fix her own mistakes.

Because... she sees a better resolution than I do.

She may be stupid. But she's wise. Wiser than I am.

If I just kill 'em all. Gabrielle will stay feeling worthless. She will never realize her wisdom.

And she's feeling worthless because I never let her do anything.

I don't want her worthless. I want her to grow into someone incredible.

And if she is to have an incredible life... then she should take her own risks. She will, inevitably. After I'm gone.

Someday, she'll leave. And then I can't help her anymore.

I'd rather she had a good memory of me. I don't want her to remember me as someone she was worthless next to.

I want her to be happy.

...

Fine, I guess. We'll do the spell route. Just because she wants to!

I will risk Gabrielle's life just to make her happy. She better not be telling me I never give her anything, after this!

But she really better be a fast reader.

And so I let go of the titan guy. And bring the scroll to Gabrielle.

Right on cue. The guy breaks the trap.

And I want to bring the scroll to Gabrielle. But then I realize.

Hey, they put her on that tall platform.

I can't jump that far.

...

Have I miscalculated?

Did I get distracted by Gabrielle, and accidentally brought doom upon us all?

Have I accidentally doomed humanity for Gabrielle?

...

Nothing to it. I can read, too!

And then this happens. The epitome of absurdist comedy. I read, and she repeats.

All while fighting a titan.

My life will never be the same after I met Gabrielle. I am a comedian now, all the way. Just like she wanted. I am her puppet, and she plays me as she sees fit.

And so we play.

And then the guy tears the scroll. Roams free, attacks me. I can't defeat that. Our chance is gone!

I knew I should have just killed 'em all!

And Gabrielle taunts him. And he... responds! Turns to kill Gabrielle for it! This is fortune! This is a blessing!

Because if he goes after Gabrielle. He has to take his eyes away from me. I quickly fix him!

I'll teach him how to stone my girl!

And then Gabrielle finally puts them back to stone.

And just like that. Gabrielle saves humanity right after dooming it herself.

She should never be allowed power of any kind!

She saves the day after ruining it herself. Just now, we have saved the world.

Me and her. A shared victory. We have saved the world together.

I can't help but smile. This is the best day I've had in my life.

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

""""""""""

And then Xena comes to the rescue! She applies her trap, and it actually works!

This titan guy wanted to do nasty things to me. And now Xena will protect my honor!

But then the titan woman begs for mercy. And Xena listens. Xena really is mercy, itself. She'll pardon even the nastiest of the nasty! Even the titans!

The titan woman brings up the scroll that'll fix everything. Begs Xena to use that, instead.

Now's my chance! Now I can prove my worth!

...

But it's XENA we're asking.

Xena will never let me do anything.

Xena is stingy.

Xena wants me to be useless. Just so she could feel better compared to me.

Xena will never take me seriously.

Xena will never let me do a single thing.

If I'm with Xena. Then I'll stay worthless for as long as I live.

Be it in my village. Or be it with Xena. Worthless is all I'll ever be.

... How much I wish. I wasn't worthless.

But I guess. There's just no way out. I was a fool to ever hope for more.

And then suddenly. Xena goes for it! She grabs the scroll and brings it to me!

!

I can't believe it! Xena'll let me do something?

Does that mean I'm not worthless?

So I get to do something?

I get to be something?

Xena... sees some worth in me?

! ! !

This is the happiest moment of my life.

Xena! I knew I wasn't wrong for loving you!

I'm so happy that we didn't go through with it with my guy. I got to keep my darned virginity! I wish to get rid of it as soon as possible. But right now. My virginity will save the world!

... I wish it was my morals instead. But it's something, so fine, I'll take it!

But they put me on a platform, and Xena can't get there.

So instead of bringing the scroll to me. She reads, and I repeat!

Hey, this is kinda fun. It's like we're playing a game! Love this!

And then the titan guy is free! In moments! I knew the trap plan wasn't good enough.

He tears the scroll! No more reading game! Ah, things are never easy when I'm with Xena!

But then she makes an impossible swing on a rope. Gods she's beautiful! I can't help but cheer.

Oops. My mistake. Now the titan guy wants to crush me, instead.

But I'm not afraid. I have Xena with me! She can defeat a titan or a hundred, easy!

And she does! Makes him trip!

And then I put them back to stone.

Humanity is saved! The world is saved!

Saved by Xena! But not only! By Xena! And me!

Me and Xena have saved humanity together! We are incredible!

Just like I wished! My dream has come true! I'm so happy right now!

We saved humanity. Sorta-kinda saved it from me. But I'll overlook that part in my future tales.

All's well that ends well!

The morale of this story! Is that sometimes even virginity can be a good thing!

I finally did something of value. I have a worth now!

Finally, Xena let me have a worth. I'm so grateful.

Finally, Xena is saving the world, as she was always supposed to. I'm so happy! My every wish just comes true. I love her so much.

And then I come back to my future husband. And tell him our glorious story!

And he listens my every word! Believes my every lie!

He's so agreeable, it's a bit pathetic.

I wonder why. I looked at him yesterday. And saw the most beautiful man that I've ever seen.

But now. I look at him now. And he's just average. What changed?

I know. I know what changed.

*I* changed.

I was worthless yesterday.

But I'm not worthless anymore! Xena has given me worth now! Now I'm something! It's a little. But it's something!

Now Xena sees me as something of value. Now Xena wants to keep me.

So I won't be pathetic anymore. I'll have pride!

I won't be jumping at the first hot guy I see. No. Let them jump at me, instead!

So listen you, my hot guy of the week. I won't be easy! I won't go to bed with you just because you asked! You will have to at least buy me a dinner! You will

have to woo me a little! And *then* I'll be yours!

Right now. I'll leave! But if you really want me. You will follow after me! You will chase!

That's what people in love do. They chase after their love! Chase after them in the middle of the night, towards unknown lands, if they have to!

I wish somebody did that for me.

And so I leave. He doesn't follow.

...

Oh well. Guess he wasn't my fated, after all.

He wasn't that cute, anyway. I can do better!

I wish somebody would chase after me.

And so we leave with Xena.

She's all gloomy again. Why can't she just be happy? We've just saved the world after all!

Says some nonsense at me. Asks for my motivations.

Isn't that easy! My motivation is you!

Silly Xena. We travel so long together, and she still doesn't know me!

""""""""""

XENA

""""""""""

And so we leave. Gabrielle parts with her guy of the week.

Guess she doesn't wanna get married to somebody just yet. Next week, maybe?

This was a rough story. It was wild! Gabrielle went from restoring the titans and ruling the world with them, to running to fight them alone by herself, to saving the world from herself, in the end.

I sometimes wonder. What in the Tartarus goes through that small pretty head of hers? What is she even thinking?

Days ago. I was on my trial. Trial of destiny, trial of the gods.

And Gabrielle fought. Gabrielle fought the gods, fought destiny. And she was so good. She was brilliant!

But now. Days later. She comes down to THIS. What's even up with her?

I think. And I realize. Whatever impression of intelligence she was projecting days ago, was just a fluke. A temporary spell. A moon phase hallucination.

Reality is, this girl is dumber than a brick. She couldn't survive a day without help.

What day, a minute! I glance away from her, she self-destructs. I can't even go pee - she gets in trouble!

She only looks smart sometimes because she's very lucky. She's so lucky, that the stream of random words constantly flowing outta her mouth, sometimes makes sense. Her luck is unbelievable!

I'm in love with an idiot. What do I do?

I can't just know this and pretend I don't.

I can't just wait until she leaves then cast this out of my mind.

I don't wanna know that soon as I look the other way, she'll die, most likely.

I want her life to be a good one.

That means, my task... is to teach her common sense. Help her smarten up a little.

...

Me, teaching someone "common sense". Me, the bloodthirsty murderer who's spent her entire life ruining things. And then a flip is switched, and I do the opposite.

"Common sense" is not a trait that I possess. I don't know how to be human, either.

And I'm no teacher. I don't have the patience for anything constructive. I've never taught anyone a thing. At least, nothing good.

But I can't just look away. I wanna help her become more than what she is.

I can't allow her to stay dumb. I should try and teach her to be smart.

So guess that means I'm going to become a teacher. Improve myself in what I'm lacking. Figure out the ways of how.

And change myself to help you change.

Become more myself to help you become more, yourself.

What odd turns my life has taken. From one extreme into the other. I've never been into half-measures.

And so we leave.

I look at her and wonder.

She came this close to sleeping with some guy just now. Some guy she probably doesn't even want. But she went for him. Because of me.

She wants something with me so much, she'll go to any random guy just to spite me.

She was an innocent girl just a month ago. But then she met me. And now she'll live a life of debauchery. All because of me.

She should be on her way to living her own life. But instead. She wraps her whole being around me.

I hate the gods so much because they decide our destinies for us. But me myself... when I'm with Gabrielle... when I let her be with me. I let her wrap her life around me.

When I'm with her... I become the decider of her destiny, myself.

But I'm a monster. Ruining destinies is what I do. She can only suffer if she's with me.

And... people should be able to decide their own destinies.

She's so young, so impressionate. She has such big opinion on me. That to her, I'm destiny, itself.

... I hate this. She deserves a better destiny than me. Better than whatever I can give to her.

But it's alright. She's shallow and easily-impressed. She won't stay with me for long.

Soon she'll leave and start her own life away from me. If I love her, I should support her.

I should help her and lead her to a life that she deserves. And she deserves so much more than me.

She was going to let anybody have her. I love her more than life itself. So if I love her. Then I should help her... and let her find her love with anybody else not me.

It hurts so much. But this is my punishment. With the sorta sins I made. Pain is all I deserve.

I love her, so I can never have her. I love her, so I'll let anybody else have her.

She will never understand. She will never know how much I love her.

She will never realize that not loving her... is the only way I can love her.

But it's alright. Things have gotten serious enough. Soon she'll leave. This won't get more serious than this.

This thing we have. It can only last a little while. And then it'll disappear.

I am tormenting and condemning her. But only a little bit. She will not be damaged by me forever. Soon she'll leave, soon she'll forget me. So it's alright. I'll only play with her a little longer.

And since it can't last. It's alright if I enjoy what we have, a little bit.

I love the life I have with you.

And so we go. After some contemptation. She actually apologizes for her choices. So there is a little bit of sanity inside her head? She isn't nuts all the way?

Oh Gabrielle. You don't know what you're doing to me.

You are the biggest disaster that I have ever known. And I love you so much for it!

I love the life I have right now.

And I only have my life because of you.

Maybe this is what I always needed. To be useful to somebody?

I can't wait. What other fun madness you'll bring into my life next.

I anticipate the future when I'm with you.

""""""""""

GABRIELLE

""""""""""

And so we go away, happily. I'm so happy. I just get everything I want when I'm with Xena.

I thought I was nothing. But she let me do this one little thing.

Guess it isn't true that she doesn't care at all. She cares, but just a bit. I want more, but fine. I can live with that.

Xena likes me just a little bit. I'm so happy, I wanna jump.

Her approval means to much to me. I have value because she values me. Now I'm someone!

I love it so much that she wants to keep me. I love being with her so much.

What is it that I feel toward Xena? We met just recently, yet I love her more than life itself.

I love her so much, but she doesn't care a lot for me. I'm just her burden. She entertains me out of pity.

But I love her so much. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I wonder what this feeling is?

Maybe this is why she doesn't care about me. Maybe I'm just weird for having feelings like this.

I guess I'm just a weirdo, and she sees this. So she just tolerates me out of pity.

I'm shallow and I always obsess over new things. I guess she sees this in me? So she waits until this passes.

That's gotta be it. My love for Xena is weird and inappropriate. And it's just a phase. It doesn't mean anything. It will pass.

I love her more than life itself. But it's not real. I'm just making it all up.

I'm just inconveniencing her with my obsessions. She waits until it passes.

I guess that means I should wait, too. Hold back and wait. Wait until my love disappears.

I shouldn't inconvenience Xena. I shouldn't love someone that doesn't want me.

If I love her. Then I should be good to her. And try and be normal.

If I love her. Then I should try and stop loving her.

... This doesn't make any sense. But I don't know how else to make sense of this.

It hurts. But I'll deal with it. I'm strong enough.

... Our entire world is a world of wrong.

So I guess. If I want to match it.

Then I have to be wrong, too.

I hate matching. But if Xena wants me to.

Then I'll match.

If Xena doesn't want me to love her.

Then I'll try and stop loving her.