I don't want to know who we are without each other
It's just too hard
I don't want to leave here without you
I don't want to lose part of me
Will I recover?
That broken piece, let it go and unleash all the feelings
Did we ever see it coming?
Will we ever let it go?
We are buried in broken dreams
We are knee-deep without a plea
I don't want to know what it's like to live without you
Don't want to know the other side of a world without you
The Other Side, Ruelle
Rachel was stunned. Her head felt like it was once again in agony, but this time it wasn't exactly caused by her powers all on their own. She brought herself to this state because she felt like she didn't have any other choice.
Right now all she could do was to sit on the sofa in the lounge – the most comfortable place for her to use her powers like this – holding on to the edge of her seat with her hands, feeling her world spinning and her head exploding and not able to tell if one was a natural consequence from the other or it was just the immense amount of stress she'd been under and the grief she'd been experiencing.
They'd been recently dealing with a new threat – a cold fusion black fire that seemed to have a mind – or a life? – all of its own. All she'd been picking up from it was the overwhelming feeling of pain and grief and she couldn't really see anything but darkness and desolation.
It was Caitlin who identified it as Ronnie, saying that it appeared to her and gave her the necessary clues to understand and a closer investigation led to the knowledge that the energy of the fire resembled that of a singularity – exactly like one in which Ronnie died.
They all wanted nothing more than to help him come back, to help Caitlin, to make her happy after everything she'd so far been through. The problem was that Cecile read the Fire and she said she was so sorry, but she was sure Ronnie just wanted them to end his suffering, that he didn't want to be brought back. What he wanted was peace. The team stood with the empath and exactly that put Rachel in a horrible position. Because Caitlin came to her, crying and begging for help.
"Cait… I…" She was already exhausted from trying to reach out with her powers to catch a glimpse of this thing, to see some of its future, to see if she could change something, but it felt foreign and cold and not really human. She was not even sure that she could, indeed, help in any way. "I honestly do not think he wants to be brought back. I… I can't see anything. There's just darkness and this coldness and… desolation... I am terrified every time I sense it and…"
"Rachel, it's not an it! It's my husband!" Caitlin screamed, losing it and it hurt the other woman even more. Of course Rachel wanted her friend to be happy. Cait deserved all that was good and nothing out of the things that had already happened to her like losing her husband, father and Jesse. It was absolutely unfair, but the very same thing seemed to be blinding her.
"I just feel like this isn't right."
"Isn't right," Cait repeated, nodding and pursing her lips, disappointment and sense of betrayal written all over her face. "You did everything to save Barry. I know. I was there. But when it comes to me, you won't even try?"
"Everything inside of me screams at me not to do it. I am sorry, Cait, but I stand with Cecile on this. I am not even sure that my powers can handle it, but that isn't the problem here. Maybe it is really Ronnie, but he's not alone in there. It's a trap, a bundle of fire and pain and evil…"
"Caitlin," they heard Frost's voice coming from the door, "leave her alone. I don't think she's powerful enough to handle this kind of thing anyway… I have an idea. Come…."
From there things only escalated for the worse.
For a moment they really thought they were all wrong and that Caitlin, led by love, was victorious, successfully bringing Ronnie back.
They were wrong.
And now Rachel was still sitting there, pushing herself way too far and even though she knew she was crossing a line, she wouldn't stop.
Because in order to stop Deathstorm – that was how the Fire called itself – from killing more people and making Caitlin into his bride – they needed to transform Frost. She was the only candidate strong enough to fight him, to save her sister, to save them all.
And they thought for a second there that she succeeded and that everything would be alright. Deathstorm was no more. Caitlin was ok.
Only Frost in the end wasn't.
The idea seemed too risky to Rachel from the beginning, but for the lack of a better choice, she didn't argue. She also needed to take a little rest from trying to help Caitlin get Ronnie back. Unfortunately, that was beyond her own abilities' scope and of course – Ronnie turned out to be, indeed, truly dead, having lost his life a long time ago.
The moment she made the effort to connect to her powers again even though her body already showed clear signs of exertion, she saw something so horrific she spent all the time from seeing it till she got the final news on fighting that vision, on trying to save Frost, on preventing her death.
But it was too late.
She couldn't prevent something that was already in motion, prompted by Frost's choice to face Deathstorm and 'swallow' his fire.
The team was waiting in the lounge for the news, but they didn't bother her, knowing she might be the one thing that could help in the end.
And then Barry showed up with tears in his eyes and shortly after, Caitlin came, informing, "Frost died," before she broke down herself.
That was the moment Rachel finally let go, her efforts to stop this death from happening all futile and what more, she felt the grief now. She couldn't even look in Caitlin's direction, couldn't imagine the pain…
Suddenly, her head was in agony and she screamed, immediately placing her hands on it, but naturally that would never help. And then… she blacked out.
She started convulsing, almost falling from the sofa, but Barry was by her side in no time.
"Rachel?! Rachel! No! Rachel! I need help! Help! Bring me the cure!" he started screaming, the last part directed at Cisco who got to his feet, but then he hesitated.
"Barry," he said in a terrified voice, "we need to adjust it to her first. We can't just use the exact same dose we did last time… and even if, it takes time… time we don't have…"
"Damn it!" Barry cursed and then he realized something. "Timeless Wells!" he yelled and sped off before bringing the man in question. "Fix her! You gave her these powers back! Take them away again!" he demanded, panicking, not able to handle more deaths that day and especially not her death and their entire future with it.
What happened put Caitlin back on her feet and she got to her friend, feeling horrible herself now. "It's all my fault…" she murmured, measuring the pulse and checking the pupils. "I pushed her to do it… She told me… she told me bringing Ronnie back was a bad idea, but she pushed… for me… and now with Frost… Oh, god…" Her hands started shaking and Cisco needed to hold her because she almost collapsed a moment later.
"Let me," Wells only said, his voice strikingly calm among all this stress and panic.
He knelt down on the floor in front of Rachel who was lying on the sofa, unconscious now and he put his hand on her forehead.
"I sense something that is not supposed to be there," he informed shortly after. "Trying to use her powers on Deathstorm was too much. Her abilities weren't meant for beings out of space. She crashed."
"Can you fix it? Please!" Barry begged urgently. "Take her powers away!" He felt such a strong sense of déjà vu. He was right back at the start with Rachel suffering because of her meta abilities and almost dying; coming so, so dangerously close to it before Harry injected her with the cure that saved her. That gave Barry more time with her. But he still needed more. He wasn't ready to let her go just yet. He would never be. And he would give his own life for hers in a heartbeat.
"Yes, but that won't be enough this time," Timeless Wells responded and suddenly, green particles from his hand wandered straight into Rachel's head. "I need to stabilize her as well by sharing my powers with her."
The moment he took his hand away, Rachel suddenly disappeared into thin air.
"What have you done?!" Barry screamed, sitting down, his legs refusing to hold his body any longer.
"Don't worry," Wells only said. "It's my particles in her system. She will stabilize and come back in… just about… now." He was right. Rachel's body reappeared and she looked much better. The color came back to her cheeks and she was breathing normally.
"Will she… will she start travelling through time now too?" Barry asked, stunned as he reached his hand to hold hers.
"No. She might run into a few hiccups a few more times, but don't worry. It will only be for a few seconds. She's ok now, Barry, I promise you."
"Her powers?"
Wells only shook his head. "I can't leave them with her. They're corrupted by Deathstorm's particles."
"That's ok. I won't miss them," Barry assured him. "Thank you."
Harrison only nodded. "Anytime," he said, taking one last look at the sleeping woman before disappearing.
The following days, especially after Frost's funeral, were beyond tough for everyone. It seemed even worse that Caitlin kept away from the team, so they didn't even have the chance to be there for her and at least try to make her feel better. Each one of them tried to honor Frost and her sacrifice in their own unique way, but that did not seem like enough either.
Barry brought lunch and found Rachel sitting over her laptop, literally with the white page syndrome.
"You know… writing was always my getaway from reality, the fantasy world that belonged only to me and in which I had all the power. It was nearly as I was god," Rachel suddenly spoke up. "Like no matter what life threw at me, no matter what I had to face, what happened… here I always had all the control. I could save when I wanted to. I could kill a character off for the purpose of the story. I could make someone feel bad or good. I could give and take away their happy endings… and there was always an end in sight. A final destination… When Timeless Wells gave me my powers back, it nearly felt like I had this kind of power in real life. Like it was brought from the recess of my mind, not to my page but to reality. And yet, still… I couldn't save anyone."
Barry was silent for a moment, just taking a seat right next to her and then placing his hand on hers. "There was nothing you could've done, honey," he assured her, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "That's the thing, even if we have amazing abilities, we are still not gods. I barely managed to save you."
"Yes, exactly, Barry. You always manage to save me. We always save you as well. But her… Why does Caitlin always need to be the one screwed over? Barry, just think about it… She dated me and I abandoned her because I wasn't really into it, after all and I even stopped being her friend because it was just too awkward for me. Then I started dating her boss and we were always there, happy together right in her face. Yes, it obviously wasn't intentional, but still happened. Then she finally found Ronnie. And she lost him. Twice. And she found Jesse. And she lost her too. She had Frost and… now Frost is gone, having sacrificed herself because of something Catlin had started in the first place. I just… I can't take this, Barry. I can't take this pain she's radiating with and I want to help her so badly, but I can't seem to do that either." Rachel started crying and she hid her face in her hands. "We always win," she sobbed, "always end up ok. We persevere. No matter what we seem to. But she doesn't. And I can't help her. And I wanted to. I wanted to so bad…"
"And again, it cost you your powers, almost your life."
"I thought I got a new beginning with them. I was never truly a fan of having them, but I did my best to embrace them and in the end, I actually thought I could do some good, that I could help people just like you do every day, but…" She looked up at him again and shrugged, "you cannot control someone else's mind. That's where my powers came short and I know it's good because that would be so, so dangerous and even the best person could be corrupted by something like this, but…" She never finished. Barry just pulled her close and hugged her instead.
"You tried. You did your best. She knows that."
"She probably does, but still, just imagine what kind of pain she must be in."
To that, Barry didn't really know what to say.
A week later Rachel couldn't stop herself from knocking on Caitlin's door.
She'd tried giving her friend space and not bothering her, but at this point she wasn't sure whether it was a good decision. Cait needed the people she loved and who were still alive next to her to help her get through this.
Barry offered to come as well, but in the end they agreed that he should appear a bit later. It could be too many people trying to reach out at once.
To Rachel's astonishment, Caitlin didn't really want to let her in.
"Now is not a good time. I'm busy," she said quickly before she tried to close the door again.
"Wait… Cait… I know you might absolutely not be in the mood for company, but… I'm still your friend. I really want to make sure you're going to be ok."
"Thank you for the effort, really, but I'm doing just fine."
"You've been cooked inside your apartment ever since the…" The word 'funeral' did not really want to go through Rachel's throat, but they both got the gist of it. The strangest thing was that the other woman did not seem to be bothered at all. Something definitely did not make sense. "Caitlin, please, please, let me in."
"What's wrong?" she suddenly heard Barry's voice right by her side.
He just arrived, clearly impatient and worried about Cait just like Rachel was. Then he placed his hand on Rachel's shoulder and before she managed to protest, phased them through Cait's front door.
"Oh my god…" Rachel gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.
Caitlin's apartment had been transformed into a lab and she even spotted a cryogenic chamber…
"Cait, what are you doing?" she asked.
"She wants to bring Frost back… Caitlin, you can't do this. She's already gone," Barry addressed the doctor.
"The body Timeless Wells gave her is gone, but she came from me. I can still get her back if only I isolate the right gene and I have… I have a sample of her DNA and…"
"Caitlin…" Barry was speaking very carefully and very calmly now, which only proved to Rachel that he was terrified of what their friend was doing and did not believe it would work. "Frost is gone. It is horrible and it's unfair, but she's gone and you need to accept that. If you do this… if you dabble with this… mad science… you can die as well. Then we lose not only her, we will lose you as well."
"I don't care! I'll risk it!" Caitlin screamed, tears shining in her eyes. "I got nothing left! Every person I have ever truly loved has died! I won't live like this! I can get her back!"
"That's not true, Cait. You still have us. You have me. And Cisco. And Barry…" Rachel started.
"Oh, really? Cisco's living his best life by the side of Gypsy and you two have become some meant-to-be stronger-than-anything couple. Where do I fit in?"
"You've always fitted in," Barry disagreed. "And there's always going to be a place for you in our family."
"Sure, a best friend, a cool aunt maybe in the future, but what about what I want? What about what makes me complete?"
"No one can make your complete but yourself," Rachel tried slowly. "You are already a perfect whole. Barry… he doesn't complete me. I share my life with him and he shares his. We are a team, but not one person. That's a healthy relationship."
"But she was always a part of me! That's what you don't get! She was always inside of me! And now she's gone and I feel… I feel like I'm not whole anymore!" Caitlin kept on protesting, her emotions getting out of control. "So, please, leave!"
"I can't do that. I can't let you mess with life and death like this."
"This isn't changing the timeline by running back in time, this is me doing this now!"
"No." Barry shook his head, adamant. "No. It still isn't right. Frost died for you. She died so you could live. Honor that."
"You still don't understand… It's all my fault."
"We've all made mistakes we paid dearly for," Barry continued.
Still, it seemed that nothing could reach Caitlin.
Eventually, he just said, "Cait, I am sorry for this…" and he used his powers.
Rachel screamed just when her friend did as everything around them started exploding.
This was drastic measures, even for Barry, but he only had Caitlin's well-being in mind while doing this.
"Frost wouldn't want this. She would want you to live and find happiness again," he said.
"Caitlin…" Rachel made a step towards her sobbing friend.
"No! Get out! I won't ever forgive you for this! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT!"
Next thing Rachel felt was Barry grabbing her and speeding her off as a broken vial went flying by her head.
He put her down again in the Labs.
"Oh my god… oh my god…" Rachel murmured under her breath as she started pacing around. "Barry…"
"I know."
"She hates us. I'm afraid she'll never come around."
"She's not thinking clearly…"
"Well, her words sounded pretty final. What are we going to do?"
"Wait and see, I guess. When her emotions drop and she will finally start accepting what happened and how wrong it was, she'll come around…"
Only she never did…
…since a few days later they did not find Caitlin in the lounge. The woman waiting for them was neither Cait nor Frost. It was someone else. A new sister. Called herself Khione and seemed to be very gentle, nice and attuned to nature and everything that was natural.
