Chapter Twenty-Eight - The Things He Can't Speak About

Disclaimer: Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World

March came quickly, and before Harry knew it, the Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff match was the next day. He was out with the team, getting one last practice session in. Harry had to make changes to the Gryffindor team, they had lost Ron, and Katie Bell still hadn't returned to Hogwarts after touching that cursed necklace. Harry was forced to replace Ron with Cormac McLaggen and Dean Thomas was still substituting for Katie.

Watching McLaggen hovering in front of the goalpost, Harry couldn't help but miss Ron's absence… On his birthday, Ron had eaten a box of chocolates that Romilda Vane had given to Harry on Valentine's Day. Harry had thrown the box in his trunk and had forgotten about them, then the morning of Ron's birthday, Ron found them, thinking they were for him, leading to Harry finding Ron all drugged up on a very strong love potion.

With Ron sitting on Harry's bed, hugging a pillow with a sappy and dreamy look on his face, Harry scanned the Marauder's Map for Severus, but found him walking around the Black Lake with Remus. He was too far, it would be impossible to drag Ron all the way out there, and Harry didn't want to leave him alone. His next best option was to go to Slughorn, who was in his office.

And for a moment, everything seemed to be in the clear after Slughorn had given Ron the antidote to Romilda's love potion spiked chocolates. Ron was pulling himself together and Harry had realized his chance to talk Slughorn into giving him the memory for Dumbledore, while Slughorn had served them glasses of mead. He was just figuring out a way to do it when Ron had taken one sip of the offered mead and collapsed to the floor, seizing, as if he'd been poisoned.

Thinking quickly, Harry remembered the time Slughorn had substituted for Severus' class before the Christmas break, an introduction on antidotes and poisons and the way Harry had surprised him with the bezoar, another failed attempt to win Slughorn's favor on retrieving the memory. Without hesitation, Harry rifled through Slughorn's cabinets until he found one, quickly shoving it down Ron's throat, thinking that maybe it would've been better after all to have taken the chance to retrieve his dads from the Black lake.

Once Ron had been settled into his hospital bed and was under the careful ministrations of Madam Pomfrey, Hermione sitting at his bedside… Dumbledore, Severus, Remus and Professor McGonagal had arrived. Harry was shocked to see Dumbledore, he hadn't seen him for weeks at the Great Hall, not since their last lesson in fact, and he'd felt guilty for not having retrieved the memory for him yet, but luckily Dumbledore didn't ask him about that. He only wanted an explanation from Harry and Slughorn about what had happened to Ron.

Still in frozen shock, all Slughorn was able to do was gasp out, "I'm sorry, Albus, but this bottle of mead, it was intended to be a Christmas present for you. It's never been open until today."

Dumbledore took the bottle from it, sniffing it cautiously with a thoughtful look in his blue eyes, then handed it to Severus who also peered closely at it, then sniffed it with the same caution Dumbledore had used.

"What do you think, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"That's a very strong poison," Severus answered, his gaze raking over Harry, questioning yet concerned. "Weasley should be dead, how he made it to the hospital wing alive, is in fact my question."

"The bezoar… Harry shoved it down Wallenby's throat. It was quick thinking, heroic even, if it weren't for him then Wallenby would be dead," Slughorn explained.

Harry winced at those words because it brought everyone's attention to him.

Remus gave him a curious look. Dumbledore fixed him with an x-raying blue gaze. Professor McGonagal's lips grew very thin, her nostrils flared as she looked down at Harry. But the person who made Harry uncomfortable most of all, was the dark scrutiny of Severus. Harry wondered what was going through Severus' mind as he looked at him like that. Was it possible he knew about the Half-Blood Prince and that was where Harry had learned about bezoars being quick antidotes to almost anything? Harry did find the book in Severus' classroom after all.

That day in the hospital wing, out of all the eyes burning into him, even Severus', Harry avoided Hermione's gaze most of all. Everyday she had been telling Harry without fail to hand the book over to Severus.

And to Harry it seemed as if at that moment, Severus was about to pull Harry to the side and talk to him privately, but before he could act on it, Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, Fred and George had arrived, interrupting the moment.

Harry noticed the frustration in Severus' eyes, turning his gaze towards Remus, who whispered something to Severus as Mrs. Weasley enveloped Harry into a big rib-crushing hug, causing him to flinch. She pulled back with an apologetic look, telling Harry how grateful she was for Ron to meet Harry at King's Cross station, that ever since that fateful day, Harry had saved Ginny, then Arthur, and now Ron.

Harry blushed from the unwanted attention, but was grateful for Mrs. Weasley's interruption, he didn't want to be interrogated by his dad.

Dumbledore had then requested a meeting with Severus, Remus and Professor McGonagal at his office, taking away any chance Severus might've had in still privately questioning Harry.

Right after they left, Hagrid had arrived, but his arrival had only caused Madam Pomfrey to get upset, kicking Harry, Hermione and Hagrid out, saying there were too many people here and that Ron needed rest.

Leaving Ron with his family, Hermione had gone straight to the library of course and Hagrid walked Harry back to Gryffindor tower. Harry had taken the chance to apologize to Hagrid who had finally and quickly accepted it due to being shaken by Ron's near-death experience, then Hagrid had let something slip to Harry…and that something has been on Harry's mind ever since...

During the holidays, Hagrid had accidentally walked into what seemed to be the end of an argument between Dumbledore and Severus, saying he never saw Dumbledore look so bothered with Severus that way before. Hagrid told Harry that he wasn't able to catch everything they were saying when Harry questioned him about it, only that it sounded as if Severus was saying that Dumbledore was taking too much from him, that it was possible Severus was feeling taken for granted or overworked and that he had said, "Are you really apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?"

What did Severus mean by that? What circumstances? What was it that Dumbledore was making Severus do? Was he really feeling overworked? Dumbledore always had a lot of faith in Severus, even in the past when Harry would try and argue against Dumbledore's trust for him… Harry just didn't know what to make of it. And when Severus eventually had been able to talk to Harry about what happened with Ron, the whole time Harry had wanted to just blurt out what Hagrid had told him. He wanted to interrogate his dad on what his words to Dumbledore meant, but Harry stayed quiet. He was certain Severus would just get upset over it and Harry wouldn't even receive an answer, plus he didn't want to get Hagrid into trouble for eavesdropping...

"Harry, look out!" Ginny suddenly shouted.

Harry was ripped out of his thoughts, just in time to see a bludger coming right for him. He dodged it just in time. Peakes zoomed past Harry, going after the bludger, his bat ready to hit it.

Harry looked to the direction of where the bludger had come from, outraged at what he saw, making him put on a spurt of speed. McLaggen had left the goalpost again and was with Coote, Harry's other beater. McLaggen had taken Coote's beater's bat and was still swinging it around and explaining to Coote how to properly hit a bludger, not even noticing that he'd almost hit Harry. Coote looked thoroughly annoyed, sparing an apologetic glance at Harry.

Ginny zoomed towards them from the opposite side of the field, Dean following behind her with the quaffle tucked underneath his arm. If it weren't for Ginny, Harry was sure that the bludger would have smashed into his face, then they would've been out of a seeker and a captain for tomorrow's match.

Harry was just about to knock McLaggen off of his broom. He kept interfering with everyone during practice, leaving the goal post he was supposed to be focusing on protecting in order to correct the other players on everything he thought they were doing wrong. But Ginny got to McLaggen first and the glare she had for him, had Harry convinced for a moment there that she was going to push McLaggen off his broom before Harry had a chance to do it himself.

"You could've knocked out our captain!" Ginny berated. "That's the last thing we need before the match tomorrow, you're not the bloody captain, McLaggen! Stop acting like you are! You're only doing more harm than good!"

Harry was left floundering for something to say after Ginny's outburst, she covered everything he was about to say to their arrogant keeper.

"Calm down, Ginny, he was only helping out," Dean said with annoyance.

Harry glared at Dean, imagining how it would be like to punch him, imagining him falling off his broom, a completely embarrassing incident for Dean, and in front of Ginny….

Ginny whipped her face towards Dean with a look so insulted and furious, Harry was sure her red hair was going to burst into flames. He realized he didn't have to do anything to defend Ginny's honor, she could do that very well herself, and Harry almost felt sorry for Dean being on the other end of that look, but not sorry enough… Harry was about to let Dean have it, but then he regretfully remembered that he needed him as a chaser for tomorrow.

So with regret, before anything could happen, Harry announced to the team who were all hovering around, watching the scene with wide eyes, "Okay, I think that's the end of practice. We've all been working very hard, and I don't think we can get any better than this overnight. We're going to beat them, lads, I know we are. You guys are the best team a captain can ask for."

His speech had caused the team to smile, releasing the sudden tension as they responded to Harry with positive cheers of winning the game tomorrow. Although, Dean and Ginny didn't take their eyes off each other.

"Come on," Harry coaxed with a convincing smile for the team. "Let's gather the equipment and call it, you all deserve to rest now."

Once the team flew to the ground, gathering up the bludgers and the quaffle; Dean had tossed it to Demelza before flying after Ginny who had aimed her broom a bit higher towards the sky and away from everyone else.

Harry stayed where he was, watching the team pack up, laughing and talking excitedly amongst each other, until Dean flew to the ground and stormed angrily away towards the changing rooms. Harry turned to see Ginny flying towards the goal post. He followed after her, concerned of how she was feeling from the obvious argument she and Dean just had.

Once Harry caught up to her, he said, "Well, that practice couldn't have been more of a disaster. Don't worry, Gin, as soon as Ron gets out of the hospital wing, I'm kicking McLaggen off the team before he could even give me advice on how to do it."

Not reacting to Harry's joke, Ginny sighed with frustration, the anger clear in her voice as she said, "I honestly think we'll be better off without a keeper at this point. What are we going to do, Harry? He's going to sabotage us."

"Don't worry, we're going to be okay tomorrow. Remember, it's bad luck to talk about losing before a big game."

Ginny only frowned.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked, he had a feeling her obvious anger and frustration had more to do with her spat with Dean then McLaggen's behavior possibly affecting the game tomorrow.

Ginny finally turned her head towards him, her brown eyes flashing with anger that was turning into hurt, and Harry just wanted to reach over and grab her hand, to do something to take that look out of her eyes and to just see them dancing with laughter again, to see her smile… Harry didn't like what Dean had said to Ginny either, telling her to calm down, obviously defending McLaggen from her and taking his side. Dean was a bloody toe-rag for doing that, he was supposed to be her boyfriend and be on her side always… He was an idiot for not sticking up for her, for not realizing how lucky he was to have a girlfriend like Ginny, making her upset, dimming the laughter from her beautiful brown eyes.

"That spat you just had with Dean, it seemed really intense… You looked so upset when he told you to calm down."

Ginny's eyes suddenly brimmed with tears, but she didn't let them go. "McLaggen almost bloody killed you and Dean dares to tell me to calm down. As if I'm the one in the wrong!"

"I wanted to punch Dean for you, I almost did," Harry admitted. "Getting punched and falling off his broom, the humiliation of it seemed fitting enough."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "What is it with boys always resorting to violence?"

"It was supposed to be in your honor!" Harry laughed in defense.

She snorted at that, "Well, I'm no damsel in distress, thank you very much, Potter."

"Oh, I know that," Harry said with sudden seriousness. "You're a Quidditch captain, that's what you are. If I had gotten hit by that bludger, then it would've been up to you to lead the team through tomorrow's match."

"Harry," Ginny scoffed with disbelief and a bit of embarrassment at his compliment.

"I mean it, Gin, you're the best player on the team. Because of you, I'm not even worried about McLaggen as our keeper."

Ginny shook her head, "Stop flattering me, Potter."

Harry sighed, "Okay, fine!"

If Ginny wasn't going to believe him, then at least Harry would get her to laugh. He suddenly flew towards Ginny and tapped her shoulder.

"Tag, you're it!"

Then Harry zoomed away from her as fast as he could, causing Ginny's long ponytail to fan out behind her from the wind caused by Harry's acceleration.

"Hey!" Ginny called out. "That's cheating, you toe-rag! I wasn't ready!"

Harry could only laugh out, "Catch me, Ginny!"

He led Ginny through a high-speed chase throughout the field, then Ginny had done an elaborate loop that stopped Harry in his tracks, giving her the chance to quickly race towards him and tag him, then zoomed away before Harry could even realize what had happened.

"You're it!" Ginny called out, snapping Harry from his daze.

Feigning being insulted on her tactic, Harry called out, "And you call me the cheater!"

Ginny's laughter rang out in the field, causing Harry's stomach to fill with butterflies. "Mission accomplished," he said softly with a grin, then raced after her.

After longer than Harry was proud of, he was finally able to tag Ginny back by pretending that he was choking on a bug he'd accidentally swallowed, luring Ginny to him. When she found out what Harry was up to, she thumped him hard on the back for his audacity.

They had just been calming down after their bout of uncontrollable laughter, when Ginny suddenly said, "Why is it always this easy and fun to be around you, Harry? Why can't Dean and I have this?"

Her voice cracked with so much hurt, Harry couldn't help but reach over and tuck a strand of red hair behind her ear. It was so soft, as soft as Harry imagined it would be, and the look Ginny gave to Harry in return was even softer and so very warm, it had Harry feeling as if he were falling off of his broom.

Harry suddenly wanted to kiss her, but he wasn't sure if he should. His hands were suddenly trembling with nerves and Ginny sounded so upset about Dean… It wasn't the right time… But Ginny's eyes were still on him, and Harry wondered if she could possibly be thinking of the same thing….

"Ginny!"

Startled out of their trance, they both looked down to see an angry-looking Dean. His eyes traveling back and forth between Ginny and Harry. Harry wondered if Dean saw Harry tucking Ginny's hair away from her face and behind her ear, if Dean could see the way they were looking at each other so high up in the sky. If he heard Ginny laughing because of Harry and not because of him.

"Oh, I better go…" Ginny sighed, preparing to fly back down to the ground. The laughter was dimming from her eyes again.

"You don't have to, Ginny," Harry pleaded, he didn't want her to go. He wanted her to keep flying with him.

"I know, but you see…he feels threatened by you…" Ginny replied a bit hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure if she should be admitting Dean's insecurities to Harry.

"He's threatened by me?" Harry said, taken aback. "But he's bloody perfect Dean Thomas."

Ginny only shrugged, "It's one of the reasons why we keep arguing. Please, don't tell him I've told you any of this, Harry, it's between us, okay? Promise?"

And Ginny said it so desperately and sweetly, Harry found himself nodding. "Of course, I won't do that to you, Gin, your secret's safe with me."

Ginny gave him a small smile in return, leaning over and ruffling his wind-blown hair. Harry had almost let go of his broom from the feel of her hands on him and before he could say anything else, Ginny flew back down to the ground, to Dean Thomas who was still staring angrily at her, greeting her with harsh words that caused Ginny to storm on ahead with an exasperated scowl.

Harry watched them go back to the castle, his heart aching to see Ginny so unhappy and angry at Dean for treating her so rudely, and Harry felt like there wasn't anything he could do, he felt so helpless. He would give anything to keep her away from Dean, but Ginny was headstrong, her own person, she would never allow him to help her, but at least he could be around to cheer her up anytime Dean made her upset.

Once they were gone, Harry wasn't ready to go back inside just yet. He pulled the snitch out from his pocket, the only Quidditch ball that hadn't been packed away. He let it go, allowing it to flutter in front of him, then it zoomed out into the field, out of sight for Harry to find.

Harry tried to keep his thoughts on catching the golden ball, but they kept straying to Severus' and Dumbledore's mysterious argument, of Ron and whoever it could be that poisoned him. Harry was certain it was Draco, who else could it be? It was so similar to Katie Bell's accident. A really messy attempted murder. When Severus had questioned Harry about the whole incident of Ron being poisoned, Harry hadn't even bothered bringing up his suspicions. There was no point to it, he already knew what Severus and Remus were going to say: Let the adults handle it.

Harry's thoughts then strayed to Ginny and how she flew across the setting sun, its rays setting her red hair ablaze. How she looked at him when she said it was easy to be around him, the fun they had chasing each other on their brooms and how upset Ginny looked when Dean called to her.

I should've kissed her! Harry thought savagely, selfishly thinking that if he had, then Dean could've seen it, and then maybe it could've led to him and Ginny breaking up right there on the spot, then Harry would have no choice but to comfort Ginny, and she could then perhaps realize that all along it was Harry that she was meant to be with….

And it was thoughts like those that kept everything else away.

A million different ways how this evening could've ended if Harry would have just kissed Ginny Weasley.

And he stayed up in the air, chasing the snitch till long after the sun went down.


Remus was sitting on the window ledge of his office, dressed in the nicest black jeans he could find in his wardrobe, along with a brown button-down cardigan, a dark-blue shirt and black tie. He was strumming his guitar, waiting for Severus to arrive.

During dinner that evening, Severus had warned Remus to not get too full, that he was planning on taking Remus to The Three Broomsticks for non-alcoholic drinks and dessert to celebrate Remus' birthday early, just them, no one else. A date, and to dress nice, causing Remus to blush over his shepherd's pie.

But the evening was growing later and later, turning into night and Remus had expected Severus' arrival hours ago. Did he forget the plans he made? Remus was trying not to feel too upset over his absence, but he was miserably failing.

He looked out of the dark window, trying not to think of the possibility that Severus might be standing him up. That thought sent Remus' stomach into knots and he distracted himself with thoughts of the Quidditch match tomorrow. Remus had a perfect view of the goal posts from his window where he was previously able to see the maroon robes of the Gryffindor team before the sun had gone down. They had practiced all evening for their match against Hufflepuff.

Harry had really been working hard with his team for weeks, but seeing that new keeper, McLaggan, and the way he'd performed this evening, leaving the goalposts and interfering with the other players had Remus worrying a bit for the chances of Gryffindor winning tomorrow. It would be very upsetting if the Gryffindor team lost due to their wayward stand-in keeper after all of their hard work.

But the Gryffindor Quidditch team had left hours ago…and Remus was still waiting on Severus, writing in his notebook.

It was just at that moment, Remus stopped what he was doing, realizing how much time had passed. He tore his eyes away from the window and to the clock on the wall.

It was past eight-thirty.

Could it be possible that Severus had meant to take Remus out after curfew? But the pub closed at ten… That would hardly be enough time to get there and actually be able to enjoy themselves. But then it would also be a perfect time to go… The last closing hour was when the pub would be emptier, less people to see them together. Remus had voiced his worry about that, but Severus had assuaged his fears, saying that if anyone from Voldemort's side reported Severus being seen with a werewolf, then it would mean Severus was doing his spy work correctly by mingling with the enemy.

Remus inwardly sighed, not sure what to make of Severus' absence, strumming a few chords of his guitar. This wasn't the first time this has happened, where Severus has promised to return at a certain time, then ended up being very late with no proper explanation as to why.

It was very possible that Severus had gotten called by either Dumbledore or Voldemort, explaining his lateness…and once it was over…whatever he was doing… Severus would eventually arrive at Remus' side…

Remus understood…he understood…but it wasn't enough to stop his hurt feelings from rising inside of him, he couldn't stop them, but he could push them down and hide them, never voice them, he didn't want this to become an argument between them, especially when he knew this was something Severus couldn't help.

The first time this had happened, of Severus keeping Remus waiting with no proper explanation, was the last day before Christmas break. Severus had failed to return back to the cabin in time for dinner as promised, leaving Harry to worry, triggering his anxiety, and leaving Remus alone to help Harry through it. Hours later, late into the night, Severus had finally returned with no explanation but only an apology, so Remus did it for him, hoping for a confirmation of Remus being right or at least a bit of information in return of what had kept him, but Severus had only changed the subject, leaving Remus to wonder of the possibility of Severus being late for a different reason, but Remus wasn't sure and he was just so relieved that Severus was safely back home, that Remus didn't let it bother him at all.

Then it happened again, Severus had promised Remus he would return in time to talk about their day over their usual evening tea once he was done talking to Draco Malfoy… Severus had returned, but hours and hours later, long after Remus had given up waiting for him and went to bed alone. There was no possible way that Severus had spent all of that time talking to Malfoy. Remus was woken that night by Severus holding him, his voice sounding very upset as Remus asked him what had kept him, if he had found what he was looking for. Severus had only given him short and vague answers, with not even an apology this time to why he was so late. Remus was tired from being woken up and a bit upset for being stood up and receiving hardly any answers for it, that he'd lost a bit of his self-control and asked Severus for an explanation, but of course he was met with silence then a change on the subject… Remus could tell how upset Severus was by the way he had held him that night, clung onto him that night, refusing to speak about it, that Remus had pushed his annoyance of Severus' silence away…because in that moment, Severus needed him more.

Remus frowned down at his guitar, playing a few more random chords, until they began to form into words and he sang out,

"Because right now, I don't dare to breathe… Chase this light with me…"

Remus frowned with concentration, creating a few more new chords then writing it all down, spending time on it… Only to keep his mind distracted… Lyrics popping up in his head…

"Because tonight, the world turned in me."

Waiting…

"Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find..."

Trying not to look at the damned clock again… Looking at the clock…

"Tonight, oh chase this light with me…"

It was already past nine and Remus had a terrible sinking feeling in his stomach that Severus wasn't going to show tonight, and if he did, then it wouldn't be until hours later and he would most likely be closed off and upset...and worry began to set in.

"Where are you, Severus?" Remus muttered to himself, putting down the guitar.

Remus understood why Severus had disappeared for hours the last few times, he really did. It was all because of Dumbledore and his hold on Severus and there was no point in ever asking Severus about it because he was sworn into secrecy. Remus completely understood the importance of it and he didn't want to make Severus feel as if he were in a situation where he had to choose between Remus and his duty to the headmaster… But this date was for Remus' birthday, it was Severus' idea. Remus would have been perfectly fine if they had just spent the evening inside the castle like every other evening. How could Severus have forgotten his plans with Remus or allowed himself to get caught up in his work knowing full well that Remus was waiting for him? It wouldn't have bloody hurt Severus to at least send him a message that he wasn't going to show.

And everytime this had happened as Remus waited for Severus' return, always full of worry, he tried really hard to not let it bother him, because there were more important things to be upset and worried about during that moment. They were in the middle of a war. But it did. Remus always felt so far away from Severus during these absences and it hurt so deeply to know that he'll never have that part of him, the part of Severus that belonged to Albus Dumbledore. These long absences were always a reminder that Severus could never be fully his.

And Remus wanted that, he wanted Severus fully, like how Severus had Remus fully.

He felt his eyes begin to warm, his throat painfully closing up a bit and he took deep breaths, refusing to cry over something as silly as this. Remus was already feeling humiliated enough over all of this, waiting like an idiot in well-dressed clothes.

Remus looked at the clock again for the millionth time, there was no point in even waiting around anymore. The pub was about to close soon.

Suddenly, Remus caught something moving out on the Quidditch field. He squinted his eyes, trying to see through the darkness and the distance through the window pane. Because of his vision being sharper due to him being a werewolf, Remus could just make out someone flying around on a fast broom, as if they were chasing after something, a snitch possibly and there was no doubt in Remus' mind that it had to be Harry. It seemed as if he'd stayed behind long after his team had left.

Wondering why on earth Harry was still out there so late and figuring that it was most likely due to him being nervous about his team's chances of winning the match tomorrow, Remus decided that he was tired of waiting around for Severus and moping about it. It would be better if he could distract himself before calling it a night. Besides, it was quite obvious that his cub needed Remus more than Severus at the moment.

.

.

Remus stepped out onto the grassy field, looking up as he illuminated the sky with his wand light, revealing to him that his suspicions on the person flying alone in the dark Quidditch pitch was certainly Harry.

"Harry!" Remus called out, using his wand to amplify his voice so that Harry could hear him.

At that same moment, Harry had reached out and grabbed the snitch. When he heard Remus' call, he stuffed it into his pocket and flew straight down to Remus, landing on the ground beside him. His hair was wind-blown and his cheeks were red from the cold air. His green eyes were bright and alive from doing his most favorite thing in the world, flying. Remus couldn't help being reminded of James for a moment, he used to have that exact look every time he flew his broom.

"Remus, hi," Harry greeted, sounding a bit out of breath.

Remus couldn't help but run a hand through Harry's hair, smoothing it out and chuckling just a bit. "How long have you been up there?"

"A few hours," Harry shrugged. "How did you know where to find me?"

"I spied you from my office window. Practice seemed brutal."

Harry sighed with defeat, the cheerful mood that flying had left him in disappeared at Remus' observation. "It did?"

Remus nodded with sympathy. "Come on, let's start heading to the castle. I'll walk you back to Gryffindor tower so you won't get written up for being out during curfew."

Harry nodded his agreement. They started to walk.

"Are you worried about tomorrow? Is that why you were flying so late?"

"I was and I lost track of time, thanks for coming to get me. Severus would've had kittens if he saw me out here so late."

Remus was sure Harry had no need to worry about Severus seeing him out of bounds tonight. "What are you so worried about? I think you have one of the best teams Gryffindor has had in ages."

"I did before I lost Katie and Ron." Harry then scowled with annoyance, ranting at a fast speed, "It's Cormac McLaggen! He thinks he's better than all of us and he won't quit reminding us about it! I kept having to stop practice to order him to get back to the goalposts. Then he almost hit me in the face with a bludger, leading to Dean and Ginny arguing and I was forced to call practice to an end and resort to hoping for the best tomorrow!"

"Whoa," Remus said, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Take a deep breath, cub."

Harry glanced at him, inhaling and exhaling as they continued on walking across the Hogwarts grounds.

"You still have a good team, Harry. Just don't rely on your keeper, rely on your chasers to make sure they score more than Hufflepuff."

Harry nodded with a thoughtful look, taking Remus' advice and thinking it over. He then gave Remus a small smile, "Thanks for the advice, papa. I never really thought you would be good at strategizing Quiddtich or would even be interested in it."

Remus smiled with a humbled shrugged, "I can't take all the credit now, it was James and Sirius that would make me practice with them a few times whenever they were a player short."

"Hmm…" Harry suddenly looked very deep in thought.

"What is it, cub?"

"Is it me or is it just members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team being attacked? Katie and now Ron… If I didn't have my suspicions on Draco, then I would be thinking it would be someone from the Slytherin team instead."

"It would surely be better than it being Draco…" Remus commented.

Harry then stopped, they had reached the steps of the castle, the light of the torches on either side of the doors were setting off an orange glow. Harry looked Remus over. "You look nice," he commented. "Are you going somewhere?"

"I was," Remus only muttered, opening the doors and letting Harry inside first then following after him, the loud echoes of the doors closing behind them filling the sudden awkward silence created by Remus.

"How is Ron doing by the way? Any chance of him getting out of the hospital wing soon?"

Remus' sudden question chased away their silence. Harry huffed out with frustration and said, "Madam Pomfrey said a few more days. I was really hoping she would release Ron in time for the match, he seems well enough. We just need him back on the team, and that would solve all of my Quidditch problems."

"Well, at least it seems as if Ron and Hermione are friends again," Remus pointed out, trying to cheer Harry up with the bright side of Ron's unfortunate accident of being poisoned.

"True, but now I'm having to avoid Lavender Brown," Harry sighed.

Remus sent him a questioning look, silently begging for details on the drama between the Lavender, Hermione and Ron love triangle. Remus was secretly invested with their story line, and he knew Harry knew that, he was the one who started telling Remus everything about it.

Harry gave Remus an exasperated look. "Ever since Ron's ended up in the hospital wing, he's been pretending to be asleep everytime Lavender tries to visit him, and she knows that he and Hermione are talking again and she is not happy about it. Lavender and Hermione even had a row over Ron in their dormitory and now Lavender keeps bugging me with questions about Ron everytime we run into each other."

"Oh, for the love of Merlin, don't tell me that Ron's trying to break up with Lavender that way?" Remus winced.

"He is…the coward…" Harry sighed with disappointment directed at his best friend. "I've been trying to avoid McLaggen as well. He keeps pestering me with useless Quidditch tips and plays for the match. I swear he thinks he could coach the team and play the whole game by himself and still be better at it than us."

"Tough, cub," Remus said with sympathy.

Harry suddenly looked up at Remus as they began to climb the staircases leading up to Gryffindor tower. "Hang on, aren't you supposed to be with Severus right now? Don't you spend the evenings together? You two aren't fighting again are you? Is that why you're dressed nicely with nowhere to go."

"You're observant," Remus could only say for a moment, then at Harry's annoyed look that was also mixed with worry, he added, "Don't worry, Harry, never about us breaking up. We aren't fighting, plans were just canceled. He's with Dumbledore."

Possibly… Remus left out.

"Dumbledore's back? He's been gone since Ron was poisoned."

"Has Severus said anything to you about these missions? Has Dumbledore? Are they linked to your private lessons?"

Harry shook his head. "No, I don't think Severus knows anything, and if he does, then he's bloody good at keeping secrets and pretending he doesn't know anything… And Dumbledore never answers my questions about his disappearances… I mean he sort of does…but…" Then Harry stopped, seeming as if he didn't know what else to say.

"Hmm…let me guess," Remus said, "Dumbledore just gives you rhetorical answers that always just leaves you with more questions that are even more confusing to figure out?"

Harry smiled, "Yeah."

Remus only shook his head with frustration.

They finally made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady, but before going inside, Harry turned to Remus with hesitation in his green eyes, "Hagrid told me something peculiar about Severus and Dumbledore."

Remus felt his stomach drop with dread at Harry's sudden revelation, and keeping his voice from shaking, Remus asked with curiosity, "And what is that?"

"I'm not sure if I should be telling you or anyone for that matter…but it's about Severus… Hagrid said he'd overheard them arguing during Christmas break, something about Dumbledore taking too much for granted or something like that… And Severus saying, "Are you really apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?" What do you supposed that was about? Has Severus mentioned any of this to you?"

Remus couldn't answer. He was feeling a strong bout of hurt and worry mixed together and surging through him, to hear Severus having those thoughts. It sounded like he was feeling overworked and exhausted, and tired of working with Albus, but why couldn't he have confided to Remus about any of this?

Severus was always encouraging Remus to talk about his nightmares, his depression, always pleading to Remus to let him in, and Remus was trying his best to do that, remembering Severus once saying that they were a team… Why couldn't Severus apply the same expectations of being open with each other onto himself?

Well, of course he couldn't, not really, Remus realized. Everything that Severus was hiding from Remus, choosing on what he was keeping silent, all of it came with strings attached to the secrets between Severus and Dumbledore.

Remus understood Severus' silence. He understood… But it was getting harder and harder to be understanding. He would've still wanted Severus to be as truthful as he could be, knowing and trusting Remus enough to not ask for more than what he could give.

Thinking about what Harry had said, the timeline of it, that argument had to be the reason why Severus was so late in returning back to the cabin on the last day of Christmas break. What had they been arguing about for Severus to take out his frustrations onto the headmaster? What was Dumbledore making him do? And most importantly, Remus recognized the confirmation of Severus lying to him that night by not correcting Remus' assumptions for his lateness. Why couldn't he have just said he was with Dumbledore? Why the lie? Didn't Severus trust Remus enough to not pepper him with any more information other than that? They were supposed to be a bloody team! Why couldn't Severus open up to him just as he was expecting Remus to do the same for him?

Remus kept going over the argument Harry had just told him, the words Severus had said to Dumbledore. The argument sounded serious, sounded so tightly woven into the secrets between them that Remus was brutally reminded of the parts of Severus that Remus could never have.

Who was Severus when he was around Dumbledore, around Voldemort and his Death Eaters, even around Draco Malfoy? What was he doing when he was absent like this? Was Severus even at the castle right now? And these doubts on Severus hurt more than any of the thoughts Remus had all evening.

"Papa?" Harry worriedly called Remus back. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It's obvious that it was a private conversation…"

"No, no… Thank you for telling me this," Remus reassured him. And with Harry looking so worried still, Remus reassured him again, "And don't worry, we aren't fighting and this won't cause one."

Harry let out a sigh of relief. "What could they be arguing about then? Do you think it's about Draco's task? It does sound strange doesn't it? What exactly is Dumbledore making Severus do that he's tired of? Could it be the spying?"

"Who knows, Harry. It could have been anything. Maybe Severus was just having a bad day and was taking his temper out on the headmaster, you know how Dumbledore pushes him sometimes."

"That I understand," Harry said with feeling and Remus knew he was talking about his secret lessons.

Remus didn't know what to say to prevent Harry from dwelling on this when he couldn't make sense of the argument himself.

It was just so strange…everything… Remus had been suspecting it for a while but had never let himself ponder on it, afraid to really… Severus was hiding something big, something he couldn't speak about and Remus knew there was no point in even asking him about it. He would never receive any answers. It was only between Severus and Dumbledore… The part of Severus that was never Remus'...

Remus ended up giving Harry a quick hug. "Try not dwell on what Hagrid told you, cub. It could be something but it could be nothing. Maybe it was just a lover's quarrel between the two…" Remus joked, just to lighten the mood, causing Harry to scoff with disbelief. "Just focus on your match tomorrow, I wish you luck, your dad and I will be there on the stands cheering you on."

Once Harry stepped inside Gryffindor tower, Remus decided to go back to his quarters, hoping that Severus would be there waiting for him with a big fat apology that would take away Remus' sudden doubts, his hurt, his worry and thoughts on secrets, lying, headmasters and the war. An apology that would perhaps give him some of the missing pieces of Severus that Remus desperately wanted, but when he arrived to his quarters, they were empty, leaving Remus to sink further down into this dark thoughts, feeling the tendrils of his depression seep in through the edges of his mind and heart, blocking out any rational thought of Severus having to do all of this not because he wanted to, but because he had to.

Remus sighed out with frustration, stalking over to his fireplace and grabbed a fistful of floo powder and tossed it angrily into the fire, turning it green, paired with the roaring sound of the heightened flames.

"Severus Snape's quarters!" Remus shouted, stepping into the fireplace and heading straight to the dungeons.

Severus' quarters were empty. Remus stormed into his bedroom, slamming open the door and finding it empty too, he then turned his gaze onto the closed door of Severus' private lab. Remus angrily stalked towards it and tried opening it but it was locked. Remus brought his ear to the door, catching the sounds of Severus moving around.

Anger, hurt and annoyance formed into a lump in Remus' throat. What was Severus doing inside there? Had he really just forgotten their date?

"Severus?" Remus called out, but there was no reply.

Remus knocked, calling out to him again, "Severus, can you open the door, I can hear you inside."

There was still no reply. Remus waited for a few minutes, hoping Severus just had to finish up whatever he was brewing in his lab and would come out, but he didn't.

Remus tried one more time, calling his name and when Severus still wouldn't answer, Remus was forced to give it up and head back to his own quarters.

He went to bed angry that night, but trying so hard not to be, trying so hard to hold on to his understanding of Severus' position, of him needing to hide away after whatever had transpired between him and Dumbledore tonight, and Remus went to bed filled with a considerable amount of concern for Severus…wondering if he was okay, wondering what on earth was going on with him and why couldn't he just talk to Remus about it… And Remus was failing, failing, falling…until he wanted nothing more than to just drink everything away.


Harry had just been on his way to the Quidditch field after spending the whole morning with Ron at the hospital wing. He was so nervous for the game today he had skipped breakfast, also he couldn't bear to see Ginny and Dean sitting together, especially after his failed chance to kiss her.

He was cutting his luck quite close actually, but with his brisk pace Harry was confident that he would arrive at the changing rooms just in time.

Harry hadn't meant to leave so late, he had just gotten lost in conversation with Ron and the situations of Lavender Brown and McLaggen, then Harry brought up the argument between Dumbledore and Severus, telling Ron about Remus' reaction to it, how he'd seemed hurt about it and had grown a little bit distant. Harry had a feeling that Remus knew as little as Harry did when it came to Severus, Dumbledore and Draco. And despite all of Remus' talk on just trusting Severus and Dumbledore, all the bloody secrecy was bothering him too.

Harry had just turned the corner of the last corridor before he could finally exit the castle, when he suddenly came face to face with Draco.

Both of them were caught by surprise, staring at each other for a very tense moment. Harry wasn't sure what to do or even say, he was like what the muggles would say, a deer caught in the headlights. He was not at all prepared for Draco's sudden presence. It had been a long time, since before Christmas, that they were alone together.

Draco then suddenly rolled his eyes and stepped around Harry, walking away without saying a word.

Harry turned towards Draco's retreating form, watching him walk away. In the back of his mind, Harry was still very aware that the match was going to start soon and he was already late, but this was a chance he couldn't give up. This was the first time he and Draco were alone together with no interruptions, no one around. Everyone was sitting in the Quidditch stands… His team was waiting for him… Ginny and her big brown eyes, full of worry, of fury… Ginny was waiting for him… Fucking bloody hell! I'll be fucking quick about this!

"Draco!" Harry walked a few quick paces behind him.

"Potter, I swear to Merlin, if you don't fucking leave me alone right now…" Draco snarled, not stopping to even look at him.

"Drop the act for one moment, we are completely alone, I just want to talk to you."

"Do I need to send you against the wall again like the last time you tried getting into my business?"

"What about our kiss, then?"

"Get fucking lost, Potter!"

"That's my fucking business as well since you kissed me first. Can we talk about that at least? There were two, Draco!" Harry said with hurt in his voice, remembering the ghost of Draco's lips on his and how it had filled him with curiosity, then anger and hopelessness as Draco resumed his distant behavior afterwards, like nothing had happened, making Harry realize how stupid it was to hope for… Harry didn't even know himself anymore.

And thinking about kissing…brown eyes were so heavily on the forefront of his mind and his stomach clenched with dread… Ginny… She's waiting….

There was no reply from Draco, making Harry angrier. He was letting Ginny down for this prick who didn't care about anyone but his stupid task!

"You know, I'm not even sure how I even feel about you, if I even wanted you to kiss me in the first place. You didn't bloody ask me, then you just continue to hate me and push me away. I know this isn't even pretend, you're not that good of an actor. Why did you do it if you were still going to act like a bloody prick? Why can't you just accept Severus' help?"

Harry saw Draco's shoulders tensed at Severus' name, but he didn't rise to Harry's bait, he didn't turn around or even say another word. He kept walking and Harry didn't know what else to say to get Draco to stop, to get him to talk to him, to take off that mask for just a moment, and maybe…maybe there wasn't a mask anymore… Maybe the Draco he knew was already lost.

Feeling the ache in his throat, the pain in his heart at the thought of losing his best friend and not being able to do anything about it, Harry considered using his invisibility cloak that was currently tucked inside the pockets of his robes. Severus and Dumbledore had both ordered him to carry it everywhere. If Harry could just let Draco keep walking, then he could throw the cloak over himself and follow him…

Then Harry remembered Ginny again and the fact that she was still waiting for him, counting on Harry to get her and their team through today's match with Hufflepuff that is already starting. He was so late, and at the thought of her disappointed face of Harry never arriving, of letting her down…

Their evening in the sky yesterday, chasing each other, how soft her red hair was, the way Ginny looked at him as Harry tucked a soft strand of it behind her ear, the way she was so upset over Dean and Harry had managed to make Ginny smile and for a moment there, a moment that Harry didn't seize, he could've kissed her… And the risk of losing all of that by being the cause of Ginny's disappointment today… Harry wasn't sure if he could sacrifice her for Draco who didn't want to be helped, who didn't want Harry around him, who had given up fighting… But Ginny… She was here… She would never give up fighting… She was counting on Harry… And Draco wasn't worth losing her.

And so Harry regretfully turned away from his one chance to follow Draco, his one chance to finally figure out what he's been doing to disappear off of the Marauder's Map for months, and this time Harry bolted towards the doors of the castle and out into the grounds and towards the Quidditch field where he could already hear the distant cheering of the Hufflepuff team being announced.

A/N: If you live near Los Angeles, CA, like I do, please be safe during Hurricane Hilary. We're definitely not equipped for weather like this lol And here's some reading to keep you company if your forced to stay home this weekend! Next Update: Last week of August

Review Responses

CityGirl7768: I hope so too =( and thank you for reviewing!

LightsCameraPotter: haha! Thank you!

Guest: I'm so flattered that you do! This chapter is for you then lol