It was early morning in Aurora Falls. The saying "early to bed, early to rise" had a good meaning over at the Siskin house. As the sun was rising, Marie was already preparing for today's episode of the Lindsay Show! She ran through the door, and got to work. First, she put Honey Boo Boo on her reserved doggie bed. Then, she turned on the cameras and activated all the stage equipment. Finally, she had to get Lindsay out of bed. But when your older sister sleeps on the ceiling, and often takes forever to wake up, that's easier said than done. "Lindsay!" Marie said as she grabbed a nearby broom. She proceeded to smack her sister with it. "Lindsay!" She then managed to get Lindsay out of bed, and dressed with her clothes machine. She brought Lindsay over to her stage, and applied some makeup and hairspray on her. "Come on, Lindsay, the show must go on!" Marie cheered as she walked over to her announcing podium. "Coming to you from the Siskin family home, it's time for..." Marie then got trapped in a prop, sending her flying. "The Lindsay Show! And here's your wide awake host..." Marie then poured an ice cold glass of water on Lindsay, waking her up. "Me!" Lindsay announced.
Three minutes later, Lindsay was in a different outfit. She was wearing a lavender visor instead of her bandana, and her hair was in a ponytail. She was also wearing a pink t-shirt with magenta stripes, a blue belt, a light pink miniskirt, and purple sneakers. She was holding a plunger, and the tee and Honey Boo Boo were right next to her. "Today, I'm gonna show you some great mini golf tips. Fore! Five! Nine!" She said as she began hitting things all over the place with the plunger. While practicing, she fell and the plunger got stuck to her mouth. She managed to get it off, but then it nearly got stuck on Marie, and then back on Lindsay again. "This would probably work better with a golf club. I'll be right back." Lindsay said. She then brought Marie on stage, and gave her a hat and cane. "Take it away, Marie!" Lindsay cheered as she walked off. "Lindsay, you know I have stage four stage fright!" Marie said nervously. As the audience stared at her, she melted into a puddle of fear on stage.
While Lindsay ran up the stairs, she ran into Grammy, who was coincidentally going down the stairs. "Oh, hi, Grammy, just going upstairs." Lindsay greeted. "Greetings, granddaughter, just going downstairs." Grammy greeted back. They both tried to move, but they couldn't get past each other. "Age before ugly." Grammy said. "Pearls before swine." Lindsay remarked. "I before thee!" Grammy yelled. "I'm sorry, Grammy, but Dad always told me..." Lindsay then began to remember Dwayne's advice. "Honey, the best advice I could ever give you is: never back down from a stair-off." "I told you that! That's my advice. The only advice your dad ever gave you is never watch Ferris Bueller. He doesn't want you getting any ideas." Grammy said. "Well, I don't care who said what! I gotta get my golf club!" Lindsay yelled. "And I hate the upstairs bathroom!" Grammy yelled back. The two started engaging in a fight trying to get to their respective spots. They pulled out some baguettes and slapped each other with them. Once they were gone, they both were ready for war. "I challenge you to a stair-off!" They both said, braying like donkeys.
Meanwhile, in Frankenfalls, Dr. Hatchettstein and Elizabeth were watching TV. Elizabeth was munching on toffee, and it was making a mess. Hatchettstein disliked having a dirty laboratory. Angry, Hatchettstein grabbed the remote and switched it to the sports channel. "Master, Elizabeth was watching that!" Elizabeth complained. "Please, that show is made by idiots for morons." Hatchettstein replied. "That's why Elizabeth loves it." she said. She then snatched the remote and changed the channel. Hatchettstein snatched it back and went back to the sport channel. They did this for a while until Elizabeth took Hatchettstein and started poking his eye. "Eyeball!" He yelled. After a few moments, Hatchettstein bit Elizabeth on the arm. They both screamed before the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" They sang, melodically. Deemonica then kicked open the door. "I'm home!" They cheered as they flew over with their gargoyle wings.
"Aw, shut up!" Hatchettstein grumbled. Deemonica patted Hatchettstein on the head. "Aw, what's the matter, Dr. H?" they asked. "Elizabeth is hogging the remote again!" He yelled. "But Elizabeth wants to watch the idiots on the stairs!" Elizabeth complained. "Hmm, there must be a way to watch two shows at the same time. Let me think." Deemonica wondered. Hatchettstein laughed. "You see, Elizabeth, now that I've upgraded Deemonica with a genius brain, they can rationally solve any problem!" Deemonica began to twitch and shake. "Don't think too hard, brainiac, you'll have a blowout." he said. Deemonica began to sputter and smoke, until their brain literally burst out of their head! "I told them." Hatchettstein said. "You did." Elizabeth added. Deemonica's brain then grew spider legs, a feature Hatchettstein added in case it fell out. It then managed to find it's way back in Deemonica's head. They now had an idea. "I know exactly what to do! Two shows at the same time!" Deemonica said as they split the TV into two halves. "Huzzah, master! She is a genius!" Elizabeth cheered. As Deemonica handed them the TV halves, Hatchettstein and Elizabeth were severely electrocuted. Their eyes shot out, Elizabeth's hair was filled with lightning bolts, and they were covered in smoke. After the TV repaired itself (and the two fainted), Deemonica turned on the TV to The Lindsay Show! "Now back to The Lindsay Show!" Marie cheered.
Meanwhile, back in Aurora Falls, Lindsay and Grammy were now in an all-out war. Grammy was wearing a Viking outfit, while Lindsay now called herself "Admiral Lindsay, Her Hotness". "Nobody's coming down these stairs, soldier!" Lindsay said. "And nobody's going up them either, dogface!" Grammy responded. Just then, Dwayne came by with a newspaper. "Hot stuff, coming through! I have to use the downstairs bathroom!" Dwayne said. "Stand with me, son, and someday when this forsaken war is over, you'll use that bathroom... right after me." Grammy said, trying to convince her son to take her side. "Stand with me, father, and help retreiveth my golf club!" Lindsay said, acknowledging Grammy's plan. "Sorry, dear, but I really have to go!" Dwayne said, joining Grammy's army. Lindsay was upset. Then, Marie came up the stairs. "We are in the middle of a show! What are you doing?" she asked. "I need to get my golf club, and Grammy won't let me go upstairs!" Lindsay explained. Grammy and Dwayne growled at the girls. "Grandma Louise, Lindsay needs that club, which means the show needs that club, which means WE'RE GETTING THE CLUB!" Marie growled. Her hair turned red to match her fury.
Grammy was intimidated. Dwayne then noticed a mop, and handed it to his mother as he let out a battle cry. Marie then handed Lindsay a mop too. Grammy and Lindsay attacked each other with the mops, while Dwayne and Marie cheered them on. Meanwhile, Kelly was watching everything happen upstairs. "Lindsay? Marie? Anyone? I have important news!" She ducked after an explosion. Realizing going downstairs could be dangerous, she went out the window. After she slid down the drain pipe, she crawled on the grass next to their neighbor, Patricia. "Morning, Patricia!" Kelly waved. "Morning, Kelly. What's going on today?" Patricia asked. "Stair war. Better hurry back in. Have a good day!" Kelly said as she crawled to the door. She tried opening it, but it was locked. She then tried a secret entrance, and made her way in it. She crawled her way up the stairs, battered and bruised. As she reached Lindsay and Marie, she was out of breath. "Lindsay, Lindsay." She muttered. As she collapsed, the girls helped her up. "What is it, Mom? Tell us. What is it?" Lindsay asked, on the verge of tears. Then, Kelly smiled. "I made jelly sandwiches!" she cheered. Everyone giggled and ate happily.
Meanwhile, Patricia had spread the word about the stair war around Aurora Falls. Multiple citizens began joining different armies. The war got more fierce, even Aurora Falls News Network had gotten involved. "This is Dakota Milton, coming to you live from the Siskin house on 787 Griffin Avenue, where after a brief ceasefire for jelly sandwiches, a stair war continues to escalate." Dakota reported. Now, war had begun. Lindsay's group was the Upstair Army, while Grammy's was the Downstair Army. "Will those who want to go up the stairs stand down?" Grammy taunted. "No!" The Upstair Army yelled. "Will those who want to go down the stairs stand up?" Lindsay taunted back. "No!" The Downstair Army yelled. "Then we shall CLASH!" The two leaders yelled. The groups then launched into attack.
The war had now reached a new peak of intensity. People charged at each other, and some fell to the ground. Downstair Member Dave DeSanto drew out his baguette sword, but Upstair Member Ernest P. Christenheimer took the sword and spread butter on both it and Dave's face. Marie and Dwayne ate each other's swords and spat them out at each other. Multiple members of the armies were hurt, and unwilling to go on. "Woah! This is certainly getting interesting. We now go to our news chopper and photographer, Kitty Cheng. Kitty, what do you think of the stair war?" Dakota asked. The camera then showed Kitty up on a helicopter. "You're right, Dakota. This is the most exciting stair war of all the stair wars I've ever been too! Both groups have been fighting hard, but they seem to be slowing down, and certain members of both parties have no more will to go on." Just then, baguettes started hitting the copter. "Sourdough! Pumpernickel!" Kitty exclaimed as she took photos. Then, the chopper came down with a bang.
Then, Lindsay and Grammy eyed each other. Grammy threw her bread at Lindsay, only for the latter to eat it. "Bread won't stop her! Time for plan B!" Grammy said as she ran up the stairs. She locked herself in the upstairs bathroom. She turned on the sink, shower faucets, and clogged the toilet, causing the bathroom to slowly flood. Then, a cat on the toilet began growling. She was the Siskin family cat, Tootie. She was a black cat covered with fancy jewelry, and she also hated Grammy. She began clawing and hissing at Grammy. "This is why I hate the upstairs bathroom!" Grammy unhooked the tub from the ground and climbed in it with Tootie. Once the bathroom had filled enough, she rode down the stairs in the water. "Age before ugly!" She yelled. The flood sent everybody out of the house, and the stairs were covered in water.
Later, Lindsay and Grammy managed to make their way back to the stairs. "So, we meet again, eh? Who are you?" Lindsay asked, forgetfully. "I'm the one who's gonna make you wish I wasn't your grandma." Grammy responded. "Wait, I know you! Grammy!" Lindsay hugged Grammy, laughing. Still angry with Lindsay, Grammy pushed her granddaughter off her. "Don't change the subject! I still want satisfaction!" Grammy yelled. "Very well! We joust!" Lindsay responded. They pressed a button on the stairs that turned them into an escalator. At each end, a fencing outfit waited for them, along with a sabre. Then, they got on the stair pole, which served as a launcher. Grammy passed a pack of bulls, their matador, and a guy driving a car. As for Lindsay, she passed a trolley, a meteor, and a crying baby in their stroller. They grabbed their sabre and prepared to duel. Then, they both stopped.
"Hey, wait a minute. I've got something caught up in my teeth." Lindsay took off her fencing glove, and picked at her teeth. It turned out what was caught up in it was Lindsay's golf club! "Hey, my golf club!" Then, Lindsay and Grammy fell to the ground. "Hey Marie, I found my club!" Lindsay said as she walked down the stairs. While she did that, the club began to break the railing. The stairs shook before they fell to pieces. As Grammy shook it off, she noticed the downstairs bathroom was free. "The downstairs bathroom!" She cheered. But before she could go in, Dwayne stepped in front of her. "Son before mother." he said before he closed the door. Grammy sighed before Tootie arrived and attacked her.
Meanwhile, Lindsay, Marie and Honey Boo Boo ran back into Lindsay's room. Marie returned to her podium, while Lindsay and Honey Boo Boo were up on stage. "And we're back!" Lindsya cheered. "And we're out of time! Tune in tomorrow for more fun, on The Lindsay Show! See you then!" Marie announced. Lindsay was a bit upset that she didn't get to play any golf. So, she swang at the golf ball, only to accidentally break the camera. "Oops."
Thank you for reading this chapter! I really hope you liked it! If you have any ideas for future fanfics, tell me! See you in the next chapter!
