Reflections or mirages
Chapter 8. Proud
Author's note: Longer chapter this time. As on other occasions, certain lines of dialogue have been extracted verbatim from the episode, as some scenes are extended versions of those aired, and are therefore not mine.
I want to make special mention to the comments that "gem" has left on many of my stories. They have been a very pleasant surprise and have meant a lot to me. I wish I could have answered personally, but I have no other way to contact you. In any case, thank you from the bottom of my heart. And yes, I plan to write missing scenes from season 5 as well :)
=After FBI S04E10 "Fostered"=
"Hey. How's Rina?"
"The doctor says that... she's holding up."
The letters danced awkwardly before Isobel's eyes, exhaustion taking its toll on her body and mind after that long day. Removing her glasses, Isobel rubbed her forehead in an attempt to chase away the headache that was stalking her.
She'd dove into the paperwork after Jamal Carter was taken to the detection center, trying to forget that she hated living in a world where a boy of only sixteen could ruin his life for being loyal. Loyal to the wrong people, because they were the only family he had ever known. It was just heartbreaking.
She decided it would be better to go home. Getting her office desk tidy up, as she always did before leaving, when her cell phone came to life showing a friendly face on the screen.
"Hi, Jess. Good to hear from you," she greeted enthusiastically, trying to cheer herself up. She had spent New Year's Eve at his house with his family, so they had only seen each other a few days ago, but it was always nice to talk to him. How are you? And Sara and Tali?"
"Hi... I am fine. So are Sara and Tali. But..." Jess hesitated, "I just spoke with Jubal," he sounded very somber.
Isobel rose to her feet, immediately alert. "Is everything is alright?"
Jess didn't feed the suspense. "No. Unfortunately not. Rina's family has decided they'll discontinue her life support. They will do so in a few days."
"Oh, Goodness," Isobel gasped.
She sat back down slowly, weighed down by the crushing weight of the implications.
Was that going to be it, was that how Rina's life would end? Silently, anonymously in a hospital room? Isobel hadn't gotten along with her, Rina had always been irritating her, and they hadn't thought highly of each other either... But Isobel had never thought Rina deserved such a fate. How unfair and heartbreaking.
"That's not all," Jess continued, "Jubal found out from the doctor. The family has not even spoken directly to him."
"What?" Isobel asked, bringing her hand to her throat, disbelieving and horrified at the same time.
After both fair warnings from Isobel and Jess, Jubal had managed to pull himself together. He had resumed his routines and stopped punishing himself by depriving his body of food and rest. But he stayed with Rina as long as he could or was allowed to, which made for a very hard Christmas holidays that year.
Jubal had come to admit to Isobel that he had spent Christmas Eve in the hospital. And, although he made the effort to show festive spirit with his children on Christmas, on New Year's Eve he declined any invitations that were extended to him. Isobel was pretty sure where he had spent the strike of twelve for the change of year.
After New Year's, however, Jubal seemed to be almost back to his old self. While solving the case that day, Isobel had kept a close eye on him, remaining at the JOC throughout the investigation. She'd still been able to detect the same underlying tension in him, but had been glad to see him much more focused, to even hear him crack the joke about 'Ruff Rider', the reference to 'Oliver Twist'.She wondered if Jubal had already known when she had asked him that very morning, if he had preferred to lie and to keep the face all day rather than tell her.
And suddenly, she was terrified of what that might mean for him.
Jess cleared it up for her right away.
"Jubal called me because..." There was an ominous silence. "He's nearly relapsed, Isobel. Fortunately, he had the good sense to call me first."
Isobel's heart suddenly suffered with Jubal's, the words exiled from her throat.
"Where is he now?" she finally asked, getting up and grabbing her bag, ready to go looking for him at once.
"I convinced him to go to an AA meeting. But please, don't tell him I told you. He didn't... He didn't want you to know, Isobel."
She sat back down, slowly, devastated by yet another display of distrust. Instead of understanding that Jubal was ashamed of himself –of his moment of weakness–, Isobel believed that he did not want her meddling in his business.
Consumed by a whirlwind of helplessness, worry, and guilt, after saying goodbye and hanging up the call, she turned off the only light that was on in her office and remained in the dark until she managed to find the strength to go home.
·~·~·
=During and after FBI S04E11 "Grief"=
Jubal pressed the JOC, squeezing out any possible leads that would take them to the girl who had been kidnapped the night before.
"Let's go to work, people!" he encouraged them, albeit with a leaden tinge to his tone.
Isobel gave him a sidelong glance. She had been waiting for him to pause. She took a shaky breath, gathering her courage, trying to maintain her professional facade. What she had to say was terrible but it wouldn't help matters to do it in an undignified manner.
"One more thing," she said, raising her voice to everyone present.
Faces turned toward her. Scola and Tiffany, who were already leaving, stopped to listen. For the briefest of moments, Isobel faltered.
"Aaam... As many of you may or may not... have heard..." she needed another breath of air, "...Rina Trenholm passed away last night," desolation seeped into her tone. "She was family," and she couldn't stop her voice from trembling slightly, "so we will be having a memorial, and details will follow."
No one said anything. It didn't come as a surprise to anyone –Rina had already spent nearly two months in a coma, with no sign of improvement– but it was no less bad news. Sorrow clouded the gazes focused on Isobel. She could see Ian to briefly and fatalistically close his eyes, Kelly say a short, silent prayer. Elise clutched the cell phone she was talking on to her chest, looking pained at Jubal. Tiff's mouth became a thin line for a second before turning impassive. Stuart's shoulders slumped with grief.
"In the meantime," Isobel added, "let's honor her memory the way she'd want us to. Let's do our jobs," Isobel concluded.
Behind her, Jubal felt her words pierce into his chest like cold knives. Cutting the last irrational lines to which the part of him that refused to admit Rina's death still clung to.
Isobel turned and saw that Jubal had his back to them, hands on his hips, staring into the void.
She could feel the desperation radiating from him.
Of course, for Jubal it was not new. It had been he who had informed her, just some minutes ago; the blank stare as now, his words, though terse, resisting to leave his lips.
Isobel let out a brief sigh. She moved closer to him, but keeping her distance, so as not to make him uncomfortable.
"You okay?" she finally dared to ask him, carefully.
Jubal snapped out of his trance. "Yeah, I'm good. Thanks," he replied.
Except for the way he swallowed after speaking, the ease in his tone and pose –including the brief, familiar touch on her elbow– was impressive. But he didn't fool her for an instant.
"Listen, I know... how close you guys were," she said in a soft voice, showing her empathy, her support, as she tried to ignore how hard it was for her to bring that up. "If you need some time–"
"No. No," Jubal interrupted her, "I'm good. We need to... We need to find this girl." The tension in his voice, the determination in his set of eyebrows gave Isobel no chance to reply. He whipped away, urging the JOC on. "Go, people! We need leads now! Let's take a move!"
Isobel just shook her head slightly, dejected.
Jubal knew what she was trying to do. Isobel was the first person to acknowledge his grief. No one else had, including him. But he couldn't allow himself to feel anything, not even true gratitude for her concern. If he stopped to do so, he would simply fall apart.
·~·~·
Against Isobel's advice, Jubal had taken it upon himself to deal with Philip Drabeck, the father of the other girl. The one they had got too late to save. Another missing teen case not taken seriously enough by the local police.
Isobel knew the loss somehow bound both men together, but it was Jubal was obviously stretching himself emotionally too much in meeting him. She could see it in his eyes, in the tension in his shoulders...
Not long after the second interview, Jubal took a brief call and as he hung up, Isobel noticed that his face had changed. She approached him slyly.
"Is everything all right?"
The evident way in which he hesitated before answering filled her with concern.
"Rina's mother is here," Jubal said quietly, dishearteningly grim and not looking her in the face. "She's come for Rina's things. I'm going to…"
Just what we needed now. "Do you want me to deal with it?"
He looked at her as if he was really thinking about it. Rina's mother hadn't even wanted to talk to Jubal all that time. He exhaled briefly. "No. No. I do prefer–"
"Of course," she went ahead so as not to force him to explain himself.
Worried, she watched him walk out of the JOC with slumped shoulders.
However, that left Isobel wondering. After a while, she decided to check on them. She found them already in the lobby, about to leaving the building. An older woman dressed in an elegant pale blue tailored suit walked haughtily ahead of Jubal, who was carrying a box as if he were nothing more than her servant.
His empty stare constricted Isobel's chest painfully.
She approached them with a determined step. "Mrs. Trenholm," she called when she only was a few yards away.
The woman stopped and turned with a dismissive gesture that was strikingly reminiscent of Rina. Isobel introduced herself but Nicole Trenholm did not accept Isobel's hand. It was obvious where the ADIC's arrogance had come from.
"Oh, my daughter told me about… you." She glanced sideways at Jubal, as if Isobel was something he should be ashamed of.
His ASAC blinked out of his submissive trance, and frowned at the disrespect.
"I am so sorry for your loss," Isobel said then, solemn and formal.
"Yeah, sure," muttered Nicole Trenholm.
Isobel didn't even flinch but she could see flames of anger rising in Jubal's eyes, and she knew that, somehow, this had been the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.
He opened his mouth, no doubt to say something harsh that he would later regret.
Isobel anticipated. "Jubal, they need you at the JOC. I'll escort Mrs. Trenholm to her car," she declared, taking the box from his hands.
That certainly took them both by surprise. It took Jubal a few seconds to get a grip on himself.
"Yes, ma'am," he agreed without argument, "Mrs. Trenholm," he did give a slight, curt nod of his head, but left without waiting for an answer.
Isobel walked silently alongside Nicole Trenholm, not allowing her to fall behind or overtake her. Once out on the street, she gracefully handed the box to Nicole's driver.
"It's obvious, Mrs. Trenholm," Isobel said as the other woman got into the car, "that you didn't approve of your daughter's relationship with Jubal," one single thing they could agree on, "but it's simply absurd to deny that he really cared about Rina. You should at least acknowledge that."
Nicole Trenholm's cold countenance filled with arrogance. "How dare you," she said, looking Isobel up and down. "I don't know where you grew up, but here that comment is rude," she spat, making Isobel raise one eyebrow in indignation at that unmistakable 'here' she wouldn't have had to hear if Jubal had been present. "That... man derailed my daughter's life," she asserted, as if that nonsense exonerated Rina from her own decisions and was also an indisputable truth.
Her petty expression of stubbornness and resentment, unfortunately, did not surprise Isobel at all, who shook her head in disgust. There is none as blind as those who do not want to see, none as deaf as those who will not listen. Nothing more to add, Isobel simply turned around without saying goodbye, and returned to 26 Fed.
·~·~·
"You know, I never asked Phillip Drabeck about Beth," said Jubal, speaking of the suspect's main accomplice.
The three interviews he had held with the dead girl's father had been progressively more difficult, harder, and had left Jubal increasingly tormented. In the last one, Jubal had found it extremely difficult to make him cooperate. He had felt awful for having to put so much pressure on that grieving father. However, despite everything, from each of those interviews he had managed to obtain some new piece of information, without which they would not have been able to make any progress in the case. That alone would have pushed him to keep going.
Jubal knew it was grasping at straws, but he had to try one more time.
It was obvious that Isobel did not agree. He watched her sigh, shift her posture in the chair behind her desk and rest a hand on her thigh with an exasperated gesture.
Jubal ignored everything her body language said. Isobel had been following the case closely all day, but he had the feeling that she had rather been following him.
"Maybe he saw her," he continued, the tension building inside him like the rubber he used to use to release stress; it was about to snap. "Maybe he can give us something, you know? Any– Anything. I'm gonna…"
He headed for the door, determined to leave before she could order him not to. He couldn't afford to lose momentum.
"Jubal," Isobel called to him, a hint of warning in her voice that managed to stop him. "Philip Drabeck?" and then her tone softened. "Cut him some slack. He just found out his only daughter is dead."
Of course, it had not escaped Isobel's notice how Jubal had come back on Drabeck over and over again.
"Yeah, well, but we got a missing girl here, so..." he justified himself, unnecessarily.
"I know," Isobel replied flatly. "But he's reeling. And so are you."
Despite the overt commiseration in her tone, the precision of her sharpness halted stopped Jubal's drive abruptly. It caught him so off guard that he couldn't even thank her for her thoughtfulness. He simply felt as if he were slipping down a slope.
"OK, OK," he said without really admitting it. And he left before the feeling of vertigo paralyzed him completely.
He didn't get to see the chagrin on Isobel's face as she watched him walk away.
·~·~·
As soon as she was notified that Jubal had arrived at the hospital, Isobel rushed to the JOC.
Phillip Drabeck had taken a girl hostage there. He demanded, now that his daughter's killer Doyle Buckler was in custody, to be handed over to him. Obviously, that was not something they could give him.
Things had not gone well at all when Jubal had been asking him questions that last time. Drabeck had practically kicked him out of his house. When Jubal had finally informed him that they had managed to catch the culprit, it had been even worse. Isobel had seen it in his face afterwards; she didn't know what had happened between them, but it had left Jubal devastated.
Now, of course, he felt responsible for what was happening. It made her wonder if it was wise to send him to the hospital to deal with the situation, but Jubal was not only the person that had the closest bond with Drabeck, he was her best negotiator. If there was anyone who could talk some sense into the man, it was Jubal. Isobel only hoped that, given his circumstances, she wasn't demanding so much of him that he would break.
"Phillip, it's Agent Valentine," his unmistakable voice came over the JOC speakers. "I'm coming in to talk, just the two of us. No tricks."
Isobel's heart was already racing, but it just redoubled when Maggie informed her that Jubal had entered the room where Drabeck was holding his hostage, and had left the gun outside. She rested both hands on Jubal's desk, seeking stability, as she concentrated on what would happen next.
Jubal started by being totally honest. They were not hand over Buckler. Everyone listening could feel the tension rising in that room even though they weren't there. But Jubal did a good job, making the girl say her name, bringing out her total innocence. And then he slipped in a threat –if you force us to kill you–, open but restrained, just to make Drabeck aware of the seriousness of the situation. Isobel, once again, was impressed. God he's good.
"I understand," Jubal said next. "Look, I understand. I do. I understand what you're going through."
"The hell you do!" rasped Drabeck bitterly.
At the JOC, everyone was startled. Isobel straightened up and pressed a fist against her chest.
"Someone very close to me was murdered," Jubal explained simply. A cruel knot tightened in Isobel's insides. "And I think about revenge too. And I think about it... all the time, but..." Jubal was heard to sigh, as if gasping for air.
She had stopped being able to breathe from the anguish of hearing him say that. Looking around her, she saw alarmed expressions everywhere. Elise was covering her mouth in dismay. Isobel couldn't suppress a grimace at how he was exposing himself to everyone.
"I don't think revenge is gonna fill that hole in me," Jubal continued. "In fact, I think it will make it even bigger."
The air rushed into Isobel's lungs, swelling her chest with such relief that she couldn't stop her eyes from suddenly watering.
"You know what keeps that hole from swallowing me up? It's the knowledge that she would want me to make her proud."
Of course... Because he truly loved her. Jubal's words coalesced into a cutting blade, forged in a confused fire of pain and guilt, sharpened with a spite she would never dare to acknowledge. It lacerated Isobel's chest in a rending way. And at the same time, they made her feel an enormous admiration for him –for his integrity, for his incredible strength– even greater than she already felt.
On the radio, Jubal was telling Drabeck that he should ask himself if all that would make his daughter proud.
"Because she's here right now. She's looking down on you. Is this what you want her to see?"
The girl left the room, safe and sound. Drabeck soon surrendered without resistance.
Under other circumstances, the JOC would have erupted in cheers, but this time they just looked overwhelmed at each other.
Elise studied Isobel, who hastily wiped a runaway tear from her face, and had to make a terrible effort to keep her voice from trembling as she said, "I'll be in my office."
·~·~·
Upon nightfall, and after a serious conflict with herself, Isobel decided to go in search of Jubal. At the JOC, his messenger bag was still on his desk, but he wasn't there. Neither in the meeting room, the break room, nor in the interrogation observation room.
He was nowhere to be found.
In the end, it was an odd intuition what led her to Rina's office. It was hard for her to glimpse him there, sitting in the dim light.
"Jubal?" He ran his hands over his face, but didn't answer. "Are you all right?" she asked, concerned.
She approached, not knowing what else to say. The silence was desolating.
"I didn't know" Jubal murmured finally, hoarsely, "they were going to discontinue her life support when they did. His doctor said it might happen by the end of the week but... Her family– No one told me. I couldn't even..." he mumbled until he simply ran out of air.
Isobel looked at him in horror; she felt a confused fury take hold of her. What a cruel woman Nicole Trenholm must be to have prevented him even the chance to say good-bye.
She could hear him let out a shaky sigh.
"Her mother has taken everything except this," Jubal added, briefly holding up the solid triangular wooden sign that read 'RINA TRENHOLM – ADIC'. "She said... that Rina took this job for me, that she was happy in Newark, but wanted to be near me. I didn't..." He swallowed a particularly hard lump in his throat and his gaze turned blank, "...I didn't know that either."
Fortunately, he didn't see Isobel blink in disbelief, because she simply couldn't help it. Near? Was that a joke? Newark was about a half-hour drive from Jubal's house. If she wanted to be near him, Rina could have done it long ago without the transfer or the promotion. Of course, becoming one of the very few women who had made it to ADIC in the FBI surely would have had nothing to do with it. Isobel was afraid that for Rina, Jubal had been nothing more than a perk that came with the position, as her assigned parking space.
Not that that would change how he felt in the least. Rina would not have died if she had remained the SAC of the Newark office. Probably, by saying him that, Mrs. Trenholm had only wanted to torment him even more... Isobel decided not to tell him any of that. Hearing it would have brought him no relief.
Besides, maybe she was totally wrong... There was one thing she did believe to be true.
"She would…" Isobel tried. "She would have been proud today, Jubal. You have saved many people's lives. Rina would have been proud of you."
I am.
She saw him wince in pain.
"Let me go, please," he begged through a tight throat, covering his face with his hand.
Isobel didn't move. It was breaking her heart to see him like this.
"No."
"What?"
Jubal's eyes lifted, moist and filled with incomprehension. Isobel came closer, placed her hand affectionately on his shoulder.
"I'm not going to leave you alone," she declared flatly. Not again.
Jubal remained still and silent for a few thick seconds. Isobel feared he would not allow it. Unfortunately, that would be his right; ultimately, she was the cause of his suffering.
But then he dropped his head forward. Shyly, she pulled him to her. Jubal rested his face on Isobel's belly as if he felt simply exhausted, silent sobs shaking his body. She stroked his head gently, trying to swallow her own tears. She didn't quite succeed. Two of them escaped, sliding slowly down her cheeks. Meanwhile, Jubal finally let himself be carried away by his crushing grief.
~.~.~.~
