Chapter 5 - The Path Forwards
Author's Note: There's a short time-skip in this chapter. ^-^
~ Amina Gila
It's been three years since the Jedi encountered Maul on Naboo, and Anakin knows the Sith apprentice is dead, but he has never quite been able to forget what happened there. Qui-Gon survived, but Anakin always questions what would have happened if he hadn't. And in the end, it always comes back to the same thing, to that need to be better.
Now that he's finally gotten his own lightsaber, it makes him feel far freer, far safer and more... capable of helping. Of changing things.
He needs to be strong enough to defeat the Sith, somehow, and Anakin isn't entirely sure what all that entails, but he knows that, at least, he has to be strong – skilled – enough to fight Obi-Wan, because if he could defeat a Sith, then...
That's part of what led him to reprogram the droid he's dueling with to fight and look like Maul. At the very least, it feels like he can finally let go of what happened there. It's not real, but it almost feels like it is.
Anakin knows he's being watched by... many people, and he can't fail in front of them. Not that it's hard, exactly. He's catching his breath, standing over the droid, relief flowing through him when he hears the very familiar remarks behind him. For all that Anakin has been here, for all that he's learned and tried to fit in, one thing always remains true – that the other children his age make it obvious that they don't want him here.
They're jealous of him. He can feel it – even though Jedi are not supposed to feel such emotions.
Fighting is the only thing that comes to him naturally, that and the Force, though he's struggled so hard to open himself to the Force he doesn't think that's true. His power is nothing if he can't use it. But it's all he has, all that he can do, which keeps him from falling back to where he came from, forever the lowest rank of society.
"He might be good with a lightsaber, but he's just a slave to his emotions," he hears one of the padawans say to another.
He doesn't know if they know he hears them, but he suspects they do – they've done that before, and it's far too frequent. He knows how they view him, that Obi-Wan wasn't the first and was far from the last person to call him dangerous or any multitude of other names.
"Just a slave," the other agrees snidely.
He knows it's mean and petty, but he's just so, so, so tired of being treated like this all the time.
Anakin lashes out at them, ripping their lightsabers away with the Force and igniting them mid-air. "What emotion are you feeling right now?" he asks, hand raised in the air.
The padawans let out ungraceful yelps, jumping backwards.
He knows it's wrong, but his desperation to not be nothing momentarily overtakes his own fear.
Momentarily indeed, considering Obi-Wan sharply yells his name. Shame floods him instantly in all its drowning, crushing waves, but he's so used to that by now.
It doesn't mean he ever stops loathing it.
He calls the lightsabers to his hands, extinguishing them. His hands are shaking slightly as he hands them back to their users. "I'm sorry," he says, "You're right. I should have better control over my emotions."
"Yeah, forget it," one of the padawans says, watching him warily.
"Anakin," his master says again, not quite as sharply this time, "Come."
He doesn't look up. He just mindlessly shuffles after Obi-Wan when he leaves, half wanting to cry, half just wishing he were... elsewhere or not here at all. Everyone knows he doesn't belong here. It's no secret. Everyone knows where he's from and what he is, that he'll never grow to be anything past that. Trying is just lying to himself. Lying to the world.
He shouldn't have done that. He should never have lashed out and that he did is proof that they're right. And now, Obi-Wan is angry at him, too.
"Anakin," his master says, turning to face him, "You know better than this."
"I know, Master."
"Then stop doing it."
"I try," he replies, shoulders slumped. He really does. He just doesn't always think before he lashes out, because that fear is so deep, and he can't make it stop.
He misses his mother so badly right now. It's always a constant ache in his chest, but right now, it's worse, more real. She would always know how to make him feel better, to help him let go of this like Obi-Wan always tells him to. But he doesn't understand the Jedi's way, or why... any of it is like it is. He can't ask either, because his teachers always take asking as questioning. Now, all he has is memories.
"Your performance with the droid was... impressive," Obi-Wan says finally.
It doesn't feel like it. The entire... performance was lost in what happened afterwards. "Thank you, Master."
"Come," Obi-Wan says, guiding him away.
He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't know what he's doing. What is he doing? He's not... helping anyone. Not doing anything but hurting people.
**w**
One thing Anakin is definitely surprised about is when the Chancellor asks to speak with him. He doesn't understand why the Chancellor, of all people, would have anything to do with him, but he's relieved that someone finally... wants him for something.
Palpatine takes him into the Underworld, to where a Senator is engaged in some very obviously illegal activities. How the Jedi and Republic can tolerate this, Anakin has no idea. It doesn't make sense. If the Chancellor can do this, if Anakin can do it, why can't the Jedi? Isn't this what they were meant to do?
It's always what Anakin thought they would be doing.
The Chancellor said he would be happy to have Anakin to help him root out corruption. And that help is something he's always wanted to do. That's why he became a Jedi. He didn't know he'd have to wait so many years before he could start making a difference, and it's not as though he belongs here, anyway.
He... is tempted to leave.
He is very tempted to leave, except that would mean leaving Obi-Wan and Jacen. He can't leave Jacen behind when he knows he might never see his brother again.
Qui-Gon would know what to do, and Anakin wants to talk to him, but he doesn't want to tell the person who freed him that he's considering leaving. That would be wrong.
Instead, he goes to Jacen. Not as if his brother will know what to do, but he has to. Jacen needs to know. Explaining it to him isn't exactly easy, either.
"You can't leave!" Jacen argues fiercely. He's six now, going on seven. And he's fit in with the Jedi far better than Anakin has, even if he still has many struggles.
"I don't want to," Anakin tells him. He's... scared to think about leaving, but he's tired of waiting. "But there's so many people who need our help, and I'm not doing anything here."
"But that would mean we might never see each other again," Jacen protests.
He can't imagine that. He definitely doesn't want that, but his duty says another, and it's all so confusing. "I guess I'll have to find another way to work it out," Anakin sighs. He doesn't really know what to do about this. Maybe he just needs time to think it over. Everything seemed so obvious, but now that he has a route out to help, that won't bring him nearly as much pain, it doesn't feel like something he can ignore.
Maybe he should talk to Obi-Wan about it, but he... okay, it's not half as bad as the thought of talking to Qui-Gon about it.
He doesn't know what to do, so he takes to just... continuing for now.
Except, when he's wandering around, Anakin runs into Dooku almost before he senses him. He didn't even know the former Jedi came back.
"You came back?" he asks in surprise, stepping back, blinking a few times.
"I said I would visit from time to time," he replies.
"Yes," Anakin says, nodding, scrambling to regather his bearings. He really missed him.
"I am glad I encountered you," Dooku tells him, "There is something I wanted to give you."
"Give... me?" Anakin echoes.
"Yes," he answers, "You mentioned to me that your mother remained in slavery on Tatooine."
His heart skips a beat, and for the moment, Anakin dares to hope. He wanted to go back and do it himself, but that's obviously not possible.
"I was unable to go myself, but I sent someone to free her," Dooku continues.
Anakin's eyes widen. "You did?" he repeats, barely believing what he's hearing. "She's alright?"
"Yes," he assures, "She is safe. I know the Jedi will not permit you to contact her. I brought you a comm with which you can contact her."
"But... why?" Anakin queries, confused. "Why would you do all this for me?"
"It was the right choice to make," he replies, "And sometimes, we must make the right choice as opposed to the ones which we are told to make."
"That's not what the Jedi teach." But somehow, it seems right, and it reminds him of what Palpatine was telling him. Dooku left the Order and was still able to find his way. He's still doing good out there, outside, so Anakin knows it's possible. He just doesn't know he's able to do it. "Where is she?"
"I took her to Naboo. I know you have connections there, and that she would be cared for."
"Thank you," Anakin says, finally finding his voice. That's not nearly enough to voice his gratitude. No words could be.
"Of course," Dooku replies, "Having ties outside the Order is frowned upon, and I trust you will be... cautious about this."
He means not telling anyone. It's weird that Palpatine just told Anakin the same thing for the same reason, but Anakin nods. He would, anyway, because he knows there's a high likelihood that Obi-Wan would take the comm from him if he knew. "I will be," Anakin promises.
"Good," he replies, "She may be on Coruscant soon. I suspect you may have a chance at seeing her face-to-face again."
Coruscant? Here? Anakin always thought he'd have to go back to Tatooine to find her, but she's coming here? He didn't think it possible. The prospect was outlandish enough that he never even considered it, even if he so often desperately wished she were here. He feels giddy at the thought of seeing her again. It's been a very, very long time, and...
All this time, that was what Anakin wanted most. His mother and to stop feeling so alone, and to be able to protect Jacen.
Now that they're all right in front of him...
He has no idea how to express his gratitude. The most he can do is throw his arms tightly around him – even if that's not the Jedi way, but Dooku didn't seem to mind before – knowing even that isn't enough to express his thanks.
**w**
It's very, very hard to focus until he has time and a chance to talk to Jacen again. They have to talk to her again together. It's been three years. That's a very, very long time. Anakin might have to pretend he doesn't think about her all the time because it's not the Jedi way, but he can't help it. She's always hovering in the forefront of his mind. Maybe now he will finally have a chance to stop worrying all the time.
Finding a fully private spot to talk to her is even more difficult, but it works.
"What's the secret?" Jacen asks eagerly. He has no idea just how big of a secret this is yet.
"I ran into Dooku again," Anakin explains in a rush, struggling to contain his excitement. "He sent someone to free Mom."
"What?!" Jacen yelps, eyes wide.
"Shh!" Anakin hisses, glancing up and down the halls. He doesn't see anyone around, but still, the chances of them being spotted is very high, and they can't risk it. "He gave me a two-way comm that can communicate with her."
"We can talk to her?!"
"We can't let anyone know," Anakin cautions, "I don't think the Council would like it."
Jacen deflates the slightest bit. "Oh."
"I don't think they like us meeting, either."
He frowns. "No, they don't. My classmates and teachers are always complaining about it."
Anakin forcibly suppresses his surge of anger and hurt at the realization that his brother is going through much the same thing he is. It's wrong, but there's really nothing Anakin can do to stop it. That's what he hates the most – the inability to be in control of anything, of protecting the one person he needs to protect. He promised his mother that he'd take care of Jacen no matter what, and he's trying, but he isn't doing nearly as much as he should. "We have to find a way to do it when no one will know," Anakin says – everyone knows the Initiates are kept under much tighter... security, simply because of the chaos children often get into. It's meant to protect them, but right now, it's just annoying. And complicated, because they'll have to work their way around it somehow.
Anakin pointedly ignores his guilt at wanting to do this in the first place. It's insane. There is nothing he wants more, and he's not ashamed of his love for his mother. He's not ashamed of Jacen either, and he can't understand why so many people act as though it's something he should try to remove from his life. That will never happen.
"We can figure it out!" Jacen volunteers. He's excited. Anakin is, too, but he's also scared. If someone finds the comm, he'll be in trouble, and so will Jacen, and he'll probably lose it and the only chance of talking to his mother.
He wants to see her face-to-face again, but... the same thing is true there.
Actually, maybe he can talk to the Chancellor about that. It feels stupid to, and he really...
"The vents," Anakin suggests suddenly, "It could be dangerous, but if you could find a way in and out undetected, I know I could sneak the rest of the way." But that would mean only calling her in the middle of the night, which he doesn't want to do either, but it would be worth it.
"Yes!" Jacen agrees almost gleefully, "I can ask Ahsoka to help hide me."
"Only if she won't talk," Anakin cautions. They cannot let this information slip out.
Jacen nods blindly almost before he finishes speaking. "She won't."
"Then tonight," Anakin says, smiling. He can't remember the last time he's been so excited.
Jacen nods, darting forwards to wrap his arms around him. Anakin returns it with equal fierceness. He knows how easily it could go downhill, but somehow, Anakin doesn't think that will happen. At least not right now. He knows how to be careful, and he will be.
**w**
"I need your help," Jacen says desperately, dragging Ahsoka off to the side the moment he has time to talk to her alone.
"With what?" she asks, "Did you lose your notes again?"
"It's much more dangerous than that!" he insists, "I need to get out and in tonight without anyone seeing me."
"Why?"
"Cuz, I have to do something! I promised Ani I'd see him tonight. We need to talk to someone, and I can't let anyone know!"
"Oh," Ahsoka breathes, "Okay. I'll help you. But what are you doing?"
He looks up and down the hall and leans closer before whispering, "We found a way to talk to Mom. If someone knows, they'll kill us."
"Jedi don't kill," Ahsoka argues.
"Yes, they will!" he insists stubbornly. He doesn't want to think about what'd happen if they found out. It's dangerous, and yes, he's scared. Jacen isn't always drowning in fear the way he used to, but he's never been able to let go of his fear of displeasing people or making them angry. It rules every moment of his life. He can't help it.
"Okay, okay! I'll make sure no one knows."
They have to leave it at that. And Jacen really hopes that no one notices how skittish and restless he's being as the remainder of the day passes.
The moment it's time, he sneaks out when he hopes no one is watching. Ahsoka is supposed to be covering for him in case someone notices, but it's not like he can't hide in the 'fresher for a while in the middle of the night, right? Ahsoka is here, so she can pretend he was in there.
He uses the Force a bit to jump to the vent hole and climb through, carefully closing it behind him. It's a tight squeeze, but he can make it. He's not sure how long it'll work, but Jacen won't worry about that right now.
That's not going to ruin his excitement.
Anakin is waiting where he said he would be with the comm. "Are you ready?" he asks instantly, visibly nervous.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Jacen hardly manages to keep his voice lower than a squeal. He's missed her so, so badly.
It's taking way, way too long as Anakin dials the frequency and lets it start beeping. Once. Twice. And...
It's finally answered on the third beep.
It's only been three years, but his memory of her face has already started fading. Jacen still knows who she is instantly, though. She doesn't really look older, just different. More hopeful, somehow.
"Ani," she breathes, a smile on her lips, "Jacen."
"Mom," they chorus in unison.
Anakin steps closer, shakily, hesitantly, towards where the hologram is, but it's not like she's physically here. It's still just a call, and it feels disappointing somehow when Jacen finally realizes that it means they won't be able to touch her, and he won't be able to remember what it was like when she held him.
"We were told you were freed," Anakin says finally.
"Yes," she confirms, "It was quite unexpected. I thought it was a Jedi at first, but she was too unhappy for that. How are you, my sons?"
"I'm a padawan now," Anakin answers, "That's what they call, um, Jedi learners."
"That's wonderful, Ani," she says, smiling. She looks happy. Jacen certainly is.
"I'm not a padawan yet," Jacen interjects.
"I wanted to come back," Anakin continues, shoulders slumping a bit, "But they said I had to let you go and that I was too young."
"It's alright," she promises, "I knew you wouldn't be able to come back for a long time when you left."
"We missed you," Jacen adds, because he can't help it. There are no words with which he can describe the constant aching yearning inside him whenever he thinks of their mother, whenever he remembers her warmth and kindness, despite the harshness they were surrounded by.
"I will be coming to Coruscant," she replies, "I don't want you to take time off your Jedi learning, but –"
"It's fine!" Anakin interjects, hope in his eyes. "I can make time. I don't know if Jacen will be able to make it out, though. They... don't want us to keep contact with family. My master – um, teacher – says it's distracting."
Why did Jacen never consider that before this very moment? Of course, they can see her again in person – actually, Anakin can, but he can't. That's not fair!
"That's not fair!" Jacen protests fiercely, "Why can Anakin when I can't?"
"It's not fair," Anakin agrees with him, "But I..."
He wants to protest. He wants to give a firm, flat out no, and he knows Anakin would listen to that, but could he really do that? It would be... mean. Very mean. Anakin wants to see her again as much as he does, and he certainly wouldn't appreciate it if Anakin was keeping him from seeing her for any reason aside from the obvious, that there's no way for the Initiates to leave the Temple unless it's on a rare, assigned mission, which he won't be doing for a few years, anyway. The hands-on training that they go through isn't something Jedi do until they're close to becoming padawans, and it really depends on their preferences.
"It's okay," he says, because he can't keep Anakin from doing this even if he wants to, "You can go."
"Are you sure?" Anakin asks.
No. He wants to cry just thinking about it. "Yes."
"I can wait," Shmi tells them softly, "I have waited for a long time already."
"What happened after we left?" Anakin asks, one hand reaching for Jacen and pulling him to his side. They're both focusing on their mother right now. They'll talk – argue – it out later. "Are you alright?"
"It was... strange to have a house so quiet," she replies, "Oh, I still have Threepio with me."
Anakin brightens instantly. "I made him for you. It's almost like I knew we would leave."
"We always knew," she reminds, "I was ready."
She's so good and strong, but Jacen remembers bits of what it was like on Tatooine, and he has to know, even if he doesn't want to. "Was he mad?" he asks, biting his lip.
"Watto permitted me to be freed because his business was running badly," she replies, "But that place and time is finally behind us."
"What... are you doing now?" Anakin asks.
"I'm working for the newly appointed Senator Amidala now."
Anakin brightens instantly. "Padme? I heard she just became Senator."
"She's the same as when we met her on Tatooine," Shmi replies, "She ran two terms as queen before becoming Senator."
"I know," Anakin says, expression brightening, with that look he often has when he occasionally mentions Padme. She was his first friend since leaving Tatooine, after all, and... the only one, Jacen thinks. Anakin's never mentioned any of his friends to Jacen the way he has to him. "I've been keeping track. I want to see her again."
"Yes," she agrees, "It is late. You should go to bed."
Jacen deflates a bit. "I'm not tired!"
"We, uh, had to sneak out here," Anakin admits, flushing, "We're not supposed to do this."
"Then don't spend long," she orders.
"I don't want to go yet," Jacen protests.
"You can call again tomorrow."
"Okay," Anakin says, nodding. "I love you, Mom."
"I love you, Ani. You too, Jacen."
Jacen murmurs an echo of what they said before the call ends, leaving him feeling strangely empty inside.
**w**
Anakin hasn't seen Padme since the battle on Naboo, and he's going to see her again. It was four years ago. It's been a long time, and he's not sure if she... still cares. She promised she would, but so much has changed. Anakin doesn't want to be forgotten. It's always been one of his greatest fears. It was common on Tatooine for people to be separated and forgotten. Anakin never has forgotten any of his friends, and he... doesn't want others to do that to him.
He's feeling as nervous as he is excited when he finally arrives outside Padme's office. Palpatine had given him directions on getting here, and he's beyond grateful to him, even if he doesn't really understand why the Chancellor's paying attention to him.
"Ani?" Padme asks in surprise, when he's finally allowed into her office.
She looks older, but still very much the same. And he finds himself suddenly feeling speechless now that they're standing face to face, alone together. He missed her. Not nearly as much as his mother or even his brother – he misses the days they were together so much – obviously, but he still does. "Hi," he says finally, lamely, finding his voice.
"You've grown so much," she observes with a smile, "I see you're a padawan now. I didn't expect to see you again so soon."
She does remember him, then, and it's relieving. She's always meant so much to him; the only person he's been friends with since Tatooine. "I heard you became Senator," Anakin explains, "I... wanted to see you again."
She nods. "We will never forget what you did for Naboo. I imagine you have already heard, but your mother is working with me now."
"I did," Anakin confirms, "I... would like to meet her again." But somehow, he has to make sure that the word of it won't spread, because he knows his master will not be happy about it. Even less so that Anakin never told him from the start. And that's obviously something he can't do.
"She doesn't usually come with me here, but we could arrange it," Padme replies.
"Thank you," Anakin tells her gratefully, idly wondering how many times he's said that lately. He doesn't understand why so many people are trying to help him recently. It's... unnerving, but he's very, very grateful. It's... finally starting to make him feel a tiny bit less alone.
**w**
Dooku's back on Coruscant in the name of dealing with the Senate, but mostly he needed to meet with his master in person... and meet with Anakin. He already knows the importance of the boy to their future plans. Gaining his trust will work to their advantage. And he... will admit to feeling a small amount of affection towards the boy.
It was convenient enough to send Ventress to free Shmi on Tatooine for a training mission, even before he fully cleared it with Sidious. It will work to their advantage, too, because if Anakin has contact with his mother, he's guaranteed never to fit in with the Jedi.
But perhaps it was also because Dooku remembers how much Rael missed his family, but he'd known they were alright. Anakin didn't. And there was no reason to leave it that way.
If, or perhaps when, he gets a real apprentice of his own, Anakin is... by far his most preferred option. Unless Qui-Gon joins him, he knows the likelihood of his former padawan Falling isn't high. He's always been... stubborn, and so very Light.
He won't stand for the way the Jedi is headed for, forever, either.
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