Buck paced anxiously, hand coming up to pull on his hair as he walked back and forth across the length of the hall where the flurry of doctors and nurses had left him when they went straight to the awaiting OR upon the arrival of the ambulance at the hospital.
The tears running down his face were non-stop, and his eyes kept glancing back at the closed double doors leading to the OR. He felt his heart squeeze painfully against his chest and averted his gaze from the door as he resumed pacing.
He pulled on his hair tighter as he drowned in the dark torrential waves happening inside his head- waves that Buck couldn't even try to save himself from even if he tried, with how vicious they were all coming at him and how alarmingly dark his headspace had become.
How did his life suddenly turn upside down in just a few hours?
Buck hiccupped and wiped his tears with his hand, which was a mistake because his eyes were immediately drawn to the mix of caked blood and a smear of wet blood covering both of his hands, and the reality of what happened in just past hour alone slammed into him like a bulldozer.
He suddenly felt like all the air was sucked out of him as he stared wide-eyed at the blood on his hands, before looking down to see the bloodstains on his shirt, parts of his shorts, hell even on his shoes.
The noise associated with the hospital faded from his ears and was soon replaced by a ringing noise only he could hear as he felt his heart pick up its pace the longer he stared at the crimson red that was on his hands.
Buck felt numb. His eyes never left his hands as his mind, too, abruptly became too shocked to process what had happened in the past hour, let alone his aggressively darkening thoughts.
"Buck!" someone called out.
But the man in question was frozen, breathing almost non-existent to the point that his lungs were starting to hurt while his heart was pounding painfully in his chest.
He was absolutely drowning in the thousands of emotions and feelings that were overwhelming him in addition to the dark uncalled-for thoughts that were gnawing at him from the deepest recesses of his mind.
Buck barely registered that someone had gently grabbed him by the shoulders and guided him away from the doors that led to the OR. He was barely aware that whoever it was that grabbed him had held him tight against their side as they led him away, towards a room that was significantly quieter from the one he had just been in despite the ringing in his ears.
He was guided toward a counter, leaning heavily against it as he stared unseeingly at his blood-covered hands, the ringing in his ears have faded and it was then that he registered the sound of water running from the sink and the sound of paper towels being pulled from the dispenser.
But even then, Buck stayed as he was, eyes glued to his hands until rough calloused hands entered his line of sight and reached for his and began wiping away the caked bloodstains. He blinked twice and watched as the blood came off of his skin and onto the paper towel that was slowly turning red. He watched as they repeated the process twice until his hands were as clean as they could be with the use of water and paper towels.
"Buck, bud. I'm going to clean your face next, alright?" he heard a familiar voice say.
And it was then that Buck looked up from his hands and at the person currently taking care of him.
"R-Ravi?" he croaked, throat dry as sand as concerned dark brown eyes met his bloodshot baby blues.
The young firefighter was still in his uniform, his dark curls were disheveled and there were some traces of soot mixed with his sweat on his features. It was then that Buck remembered Bobby saying that Ravi was currently on loan with the 136, who happened to be the responding unit, for a few days until they could find someone who could fill in their vacant spot after one of theirs relocated to San Diego a couple of weeks back.
"Yeah, it's me. I'm going to clean up your face now, okay?" Ravi repeated before proceeding to gently lift his chin and began wiping the blood from his face.
The silence returned as Ravi carried on with his task of wiping off blood from Buck's face. Once he was sure he had removed any trace of it from his skin, he tossed the varying red and pink stained paper towels into the bin before catching Buck's attention again.
"Buck, bud, you still with me?"
The man in question met his eyes again and nodded slowly, and Ravi could only imagine the horrifying things going on in his head at that moment. But he would not dwell on those, right now Buck needed to be grounded. He needed to be reassured that everything was going to be okay.
He was just about to say something when Buck's phone rang, startling both him and the catatonic owner of the phone. Piercing blue eyes then looked at him with a pleading tearful look and Ravi nodded, immediately understanding what it was that the man was asking him, and retrieved the still-ringing device from the pocket of the man's shorts.
One look at the screen had Ravi answering the incoming call in an instant, eyes never leaving Buck's as he reached over to hold his hand to ground him when he noticed the older man start to get lost in his head again.
"Hello," he said into the receiver, increasing some pressure on Buck's hand when he felt him tense at the greeting.
He saw Buck attempt a smile that came out more of a grimace and Ravi was just grateful to have elicited that than receive no reaction at all so he gave him a reassuring smile in return and squeezed his hand.
"Yeah, I'm right here with him. We're in the men's room. You're here already? Yeah, no. We'll be— Yeah, okay. Alright. We'll see you soon," Ravi relayed before hanging up and giving Buck another reassuring smile.
But Buck was already lost in his head.
The one-sided conversation Ravi had with whoever had called him faded into the background and his thoughts brought him back to what had led them to the situation right now.
Back to what led his mother to the operating table right at that moment.
His breath hitched as he remembered it all happen so vividly in his mind.
He was taking his usual run around the neighborhood. Doctor Copeland had reiterated to him dozens of times during their sessions the importance of sticking to his routine and he had. There were times that he didn't stick to it, especially when he had particularly bad days and just didn't feel like moving at all.
Today, however, started out quite the opposite. It started out great, all things considered.
Buck got up early and cooked a hefty breakfast for his parents and himself. They had an amazing time shared over breakfast and coffee; planning what they would be cooking for their next family dinner coming up the next weekend and discussing Harry's next soccer game before they eventually had to leave for their respective work shifts.
Bobby left earlier than Athena did though, leaving the mother-son duo an hour together before she had to leave for her shift. An hour that they spent talking about his previous routes for his runs and where his route was for his run after lunch.
His mother had even joked that he better stay within her district so she could be the unit to respond if he ever got in trouble and he joked back that maybe he won't so she wouldn't, which earned him a glare, a light cuff to the head, and a promise.
Don't even think about it, Evan Robert. If I find out from one of the officers that they booked you, I won't be letting you out and we are going to have some words.
Buck knew his mother would follow through with her words if he did end up in lockup for any reason whatsoever, so he promised her that he wasn't going that far.
And really, the only thing different about the route he had chosen for today was that he added another mile that passed through the local pub he knew of that was the closest from the house. Plus, he knew well enough that it was still within his mother's covered district so it was safe to say she didn't have to worry about that bit.
When she finally had to leave for work, Buck had the uncharacteristic urge to give her a lingering hug which he did. It did make Athena look at him in concern when they pulled away from the said hug because while everyone knew he was tactile, he never would initiate contact. But Buck was quick to wave her concern away before she could even voice it out.
I'm okay, Mom, I promise. I just wanted to give you a hug before you left for work.
Buck remembered watching Athena's features soften at that before she cupped his cheek with a look that reminded him of the way she always did with May and Harry. He had melted into her touch and smiled back, feeling fuzzy on the inside when she gently guided his head lower to plant a soft kiss on his forehead.
He remembered her giving him one last stern look about staying within her district during his run and him playfully saluting as he answered in the affirmative. He remembered her rolling her eyes at him before finally leaving for her shift.
And really the day progressed as normal. Buck did a batch of laundry as he cleaned up breakfast, got himself another cup of coffee, and jotted down his daily list of things to be grateful for.
He was having a great day.
Until he got out and began his run.
Buck was on his last mile, just passing through the local pub he told his mother about while they were discussing his route for the day when he saw her cruiser and heard his mother barking orders for someone to stand back.
And that was when everything went downhill so fast.
One moment Buck was watching his mother and another officer break up a fight. And the next thing he knew, one of the men involved in the brawl brandished a gun out of nowhere and it went off.
He could still remember the utter terror that filled his veins as he watched his mother get shot. And at that moment, Buck suddenly lost all sense of thought as he ran towards the scene.
Towards his mother who fell on the pavement.
He remembered the feel of her blood against his palms as he instinctively let his firefighting training take over and put pressure on the wound. He vaguely remembered checking for an exit wound and grabbing her radio to call in the active scene and remembered requesting additional units and medical assistance.
He barely noticed what was going on around them, barely acknowledged the arrival of the 136 and the additional units who took over crowd control and took in the shooter. His focus was solely on his mother, on keeping her awake and preventing her from bleeding out on the street.
The paramedics had to force him to stand back. Buck had wanted to lash out and wanted to tell them that was his mother on the ground until Ravi came into view. He barely remembered the young firefighter leading him a few feet away from where the 136 paramedics worked on his mother's wounds.
A warm hand on his cheek pulled Buck out of his thoughts and was met with a concerned familiar warm brown gaze.
Buck blinked twice. He hadn't even realized that Ravi had led him out of the men's room, let alone into the waiting area where he was just realizing he was seated.
"M-May?" he managed, throat still dry.
He watched as his sister opened her mouth, but he didn't hear a word she was saying. Everything still felt heavy and it was like he was underwater as he lost himself in his thoughts.
Blood.
There was so much blood.
It was on his hands. He could feel it seep into the fabric of his shirt and shorts, and he sure as hell knew his shoes were currently stepping on a pool of it too.
Mom, hey. Mom! Stay with me. Can you hear me? I need you to stay with me.
Gazes locked. Mouth opened.
No, don't speak. Just.. just breathe okay? Just breathe, Mama.
Dispatch! This is off-duty firefighter Evan Buckley. Sergeant Grant has been shot, requesting additional units and medical assistance.
Glazed dark browns meet bloodshot tearful baby blues.
Hang in there, Mama. Help's on the way, I promise. You're gonna be okay.
Then there were hands on him, prying him away from her.
No! Wait, stop! She's-
Ravi.
He reassured him and gently led him away, but Buck's eyes never left his mother's fragile form as paramedics swarmed her.
The sound of the gunshot going off kept repeating itself in his head like a broken record. Listening to her get shot by a serial rapist over the radio a couple of years ago was the closest he has ever been to losing her.
But having to watch her get shot with his own two eyes, to watch her fall onto the pavement, to run to her and beg her to keep her eyes open, it was something Buck did not expect to have to witness, let alone go through when he got up that morning.
Suddenly feeling like he couldn't breathe, Buck shot up from his seat, startling both May and Ravi who had decided to stay with both of them.
"Buck, hey," May called immediately, eyes locking with his bloodshot baby blues.
The man blinked twice, staring at his sister for what felt like the longest time before he eventually sat back down, any trace of the distraught man he was not merely a second ago gone and was replaced by the mask he had long ago managed to toss aside.
He got back in his seat and instinctively smiled.
"I.. I'm okay," Buck said, eyes meeting with his younger sister's increasingly worried gaze.
"Evan—"
"Buck! May!" a familiar voice suddenly called out.
The siblings and Ravi all snapped their heads up at the sound of Bobby's voice.
Like Ravi, the fire captain was still in his uniform but he was cleaned up. His hair was still wet and his shirt had damp spots, likely having received the call after he had just showered.
"Bobby," Buck heard May say as he watched her meet the older man halfway.
He had to look away when they hugged, clinging to each other tight. He felt like he was there but not there, he felt the weight on his chest feel heavier by the minute, and he felt the growing need to hurt.
Buck clenched and unclenched his fist repeatedly, his nails digging into his flesh as he slowly got up from his seat.
"I.. uh..," he croaked, pausing to swallow the growing lump in his throat before trying again.
"I need some air," he all but choked out, blinking rapidly as he tried his best to keep the threatening tears at bay quite unsuccessfully.
That got the attention of all three others with him, and Buck had to fight the sudden need to step away as well as the flinch that he was aware he barely contained when Bobby walked over to where he was standing.
"Hey, kiddo," Bobby began softly, but the younger man was already shaking his head no.
"I.. I need to be alone. Just.. I'll.. I gotta go.. I have to..," he trailed off, eyes meeting Bobby's for a split second before a doctor called out.
"Family of Athena Grant-Nash?"
Buck tensed, gaze still locked with Bobby's as he heard and saw May bring the doctor's attention to the group from his peripheral vision.
"Mr. Nash?" the doctor called, and that was when Bobby was forced to divert his attention and walk over to her.
With the attention drawn away from him, Buck stayed where he was, a few feet away from the group, and waited for the news the doctor had for them.
"She's stable. She did lose a lot of blood but we were able to give her transfusions. Fortunately, the bullet didn't cause too much damage though it might take her a while to get back on the field. She's currently being situated in a room as we speak and we'd like to..."
Everything else the doctor said faded into the background as the relief he felt at the news was short-lived when the numbing sensation in his chest returned.
So many thoughts were making his head swim, so many emotions were swirling in his chest and yet Buck could feel himself slowly go numb to everything.
He suddenly couldn't feel, couldn't think; like there was an enormous stopper keeping him from doing such things. He stood there, unmoving, as he felt so abruptly detached from the world in and out of his head.
Buck knew deep down that he should feel scared, terrified even.
But he wasn't.
His mind felt like there was cotton stuck inside his head, his thoughts and emotions were there but also weren't. It suddenly felt like he was outside of his body, and he couldn't process what was going on or even make sense of everything else.
Buck was numb.
Then suddenly, he was eye-to-eye with familiar coffee-brown eyes.
And if Buck wasn't as detached as he was, he would have realized how close Bobby was suddenly standing next to him. He would have caught the increasingly worried look on the older man's face, would have heard the number of times the man had called his name, and would have given a reaction to being held on the shoulders.
The younger man blinked once and twice before speaking in a monotone.
"I should go."
To say that Bobby was just worried was now a huge understatement.
Hearing the way his son spoke in that uncharacteristically robotic tone and staring at his now dull and expressionless baby blues was more than enough for the alarm bells in his head to ring left and right.
He had just finished with the shower when he received the call directly from Captain Cooper of the 136 informing him of what had happened and at which hospital his wife was taken to.
Bobby had hurried to thank his colleague for calling to inform him of what happened, only to stop short when the other captain gravely added that their eldest had been around to witness his mother get shot point-blank.
After hanging up on the call, Bobby left Chim in charge as he left on a whim, citing an emergency and promising to explain once he got all the details straightened out.
On the drive to the hospital, Bobby had never felt more terrified than he had, not knowing the full details of what had happened in a short amount of time. And when he arrived at the hospital, the sight of his son's bloodstained clothes was the first thing his eyes zeroed in on. And he most definitely did not miss the way Buck had looked away when May came to meet him halfway.
It was only hours ago that the three of them were enjoying the breakfast and coffee Buck had prepared that morning.
How did he manage to end up on the wrong side of the hospital doors again?
More importantly, just how far back did the situation push their son back into his recovery?
Buck has been staying with them for over a few months now and Bobby absolutely has no doubt he knew exactly what was going on in his head.
But looking at his son right now, with those unfocused baby blues staring right at him and yet not at the same time, Bobby was starting to think that this particular setback was so much different than the few ones he had in the last few months.
Bobby squeezed his son's shoulders ever so gently, eyes still trained on those dull unfocused baby blues.
"Go where kiddo?" he inquired softly.
He watched as Buck blinked slowly, his baby blues dazed like he wasn't even seeing Bobby at all as he answered.
"Away."
Bobby could swear chills went up his spine at the increasingly concerning way Buck said that word. He briefly locked eyes with May and saw the fear he was feeling as bright as day in her brown eyes. The fire captain immediately diverted his gaze to Ravi, who had a worried look on his face and who also got the hint as he gently guided May towards the direction of Athena's room which the doctor told them earlier.
"B-Bobby?"
Buck's cracked and quiet voice immediately had the older man snapping his attention back to his son. His son who hasn't called him by his name in a while since he started staying with them.
Bobby reached a hand to brush away the loose curls from his face. "Right here, son."
The younger man blinked once.
Twice.
Thrice.
And soon enough, he looked like he was back to his usual self, but Bobby knew better. The blank yet haunted look he still had in his eyes gave it all away.
"Y-You should.. sh-should go check o-on Mo—A-Athena," Buck flinched, visibly starting to shake as he tried his best to maintain eye contact with him.
The way the younger man flinched at his "slip up" had the fire captain feeling even more worried and alarmed than he already was. Bobby carefully ran his hand against Buck's messy unkempt curls, briefly noticing a few blood-matted curls as he did. He easily caught the kid's gaze and gave him a small reassuring smile.
"How about we get you changed and then we can both check on Mom, okay? That sound good?" he asked gently, careful not to push too far without knowing where the kid was at mentally.
A look of surprise mixed with confusion appeared on Buck's face at his words.
"I.. I c-can see.. M-Mom?"
The tears that have been gathering in the corner of Buck's eyes finally fell on his cheeks and Bobby was quick to catch him when his legs gave out.
"Hey, hey. I got you, kiddo. I've got you," Bobby told him softly as he took on Buck's extra weight, draping an arm around his shoulders to further support the kid up, his other arm immediately latching on his waist with a tight squeeze.
Buck looked up at him, and for the first time, Bobby saw emotions go through those baby blues of his. And the only one he could easily see and that was strikingly outdoing the other emotions was fear.
Fear of what, Bobby was quite uncertain, but he may have a few guesses.
Buck moving in obviously came with the occasional visits from Maddie. Visits that both Bobby and Athena had been ever so accepting of, and they have told her she could drop by as often as she wanted.
During some of the said visits, Maddie had started sharing a little bit more of what she and Buck's lives were like in the past with him and Athena whenever Buck took some time to nap or when he had a virtual session with Dr. Copeland in his room, or when Harry and May took him out to the park.
Suffice to say that with gaining more insight into their past, both Bobby and Athena's shared dislike for the Buckleys had only gotten more... intense as time passed.
So whatever it was that was going on inside the kid's head, Bobby wanted to put a stop to it before it could even take a turn for the worse and make him spiral even further.
"Hey, I've got you, Evan. It's okay. You're okay and Mom's going to be okay, I promise, kid," he whispered against Buck's temple before pressing a kiss on his curls.
Buck held his gaze for a moment, his previously dull and expressionless blue eyes red-rimmed and brimming with tears as he searched Bobby's coffee brown pools for something the older man knew to be the reassurance that the kid needed.
"O-Okay," Buck croaked out a moment later.
Bobby smiled at him and gave another squeeze to his waist. "Alright, let's get you out of these clothes first. I think I have a spare shirt in my truck."
He guided Buck towards the exit and led him to his truck in the parking lot. He rummaged through his emergency bag in the backseat and grabbed one of his spare shirts before helping his son change.
Bobby took note of how quiet he was but decided not to push. He knew Buck would talk when he was ready. For now, Bobby was content that he was responsive with his actions to him.
Once Buck was changed, the father-son duo went back inside and straight to Athena's room. Bobby was just about to reach for the door handle when Buck suddenly grabbed his wrist, his hand shaking as he held on to his father.
"D-Do you.. I.. I mean..," Buck trailed off, eyes suddenly finding the hem of Bobby's shirt he had on more interesting than meeting his father's eyes.
Bobby gently put both hands on his shoulders and turned the kid, his fingers making their way to his chin, and tilted his head up so they could look each other in the eyes.
"Hey," he called softly, eyes boring into Buck's as he continued, "What's going on, son?"
He could see the internal struggle, could see the younger man's hesitation as he seemingly came to a decision and eventually, albeit hesitantly, voiced out his thoughts.
"Are you sure you and Mom want me around when.. when she wakes up? I.. I could just.. you know.. go, and—"
"Hey, hey. Stop," Bobby softly cut in, intending to stop whatever ludicrous thoughts were starting to mess with his head.
"You're not going anywhere, Buck. And your mother and I want you here. We want you around. Do you hear me?" he added, making sure to maintain eye contact as he said it.
Buck bit his lip, still feeling unsure but one look at Bobby's certain and truthful expression had him slowly nodding his head in acknowledgement.
"I hear you," he answered quietly.
Bobby did not miss Buck's apprehension and he knew there were still a lot of things happening inside the kid's head. He could only hope they get to talk about it sooner rather than later. But he knew that would have to wait.
Especially since Buck seemed to be one push away from losing it. Bobby gave his son a small reassuring smile before finally pulling him inside the room.
He could only hope he made the right decision not to push.
Bobby did not.
A few days after Athena regained consciousness, Buck made himself scarce.
He would pull the golden retriever mask he had long ago banished whenever the police sergeant asked to see him, even made sure not to give her any reason to worry about him when she should be resting after the whole situation.
Acting as if the said ordeal didn't monumentally affect him.
But still, Buck did his best to repress any and all thoughts and emotions about what happened that day. He acted the way he knew he was supposed to and deflected whenever someone tried to talk to him about what happened.
He would never admit it, but that ordeal had tilted his world on its axis in a way that he never thought it would again. He could only count the number of times he felt so disconnected from himself and from reality with one hand, and those were instances that had left him mentally shattered.
And watching the woman who actually cared and loved him like a real mother does—the woman who saw past his mental walls that very day she discovered the lines on his arm in the firehouse—get shot and bleed out in broad daylight definitely counted as a mentally shattering experience.
"Ev?"
The man in question jumped at the sudden voice and he looked up from staring into space towards the direction of the voice.
"Y-Yeah, May?" he croaked, voice rough from the lack of use for the past few hours.
He watched as his younger sister entered the room he was staying in, a cup of steaming tea in hand as she walked over to where he was seated on the bed.
The day before Athena was discharged, Buck had asked his sister if he could stay over for a few days. May had agreed, of course. Bobby, on the other hand, was reluctant to make him stay at May's. But Buck had been quite adamant, saying that it would only be for a couple of days until Athena could settle back into the house and rest without having distractions.
That bit earned him a look from Bobby, but Buck dismissed any attempt the man made to address it and all but pleaded as he looked the man in the eyes, which eventually had him agreeing.
Athena, on the other hand, wasn't exactly thrilled when she found out. She had tried to put her foot down on the issue, but considering how Buck made every and all reason to stay with her daughter, the police sergeant had to let him go.
It was a feat Buck could only hope no one read too much into and see it as a way for him to give the woman some peace as she recuperated at home.
But the promise of a couple of days, however, had turned into weeks.
May had been kind enough to let him extend his stay in her guest room for as long as he needed, but the young dispatcher had told him that both of their parents had been asking about him and were waiting for him to return.
And it was something Buck couldn't seem to wrap his head around for days considering that he had kept every single thought, emotion, and feeling associated with that day under lock and key for as long as he possibly could.
But he had to admit that it was gradually proving to be difficult to do so with each passing day.
Especially when the nightmares that plagued him every night since then were getting worse than the last. He would always wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night and do his best to muffle his cries so as to not wake up the other occupant of the apartment.
The nightmares only added fuel to the fire and that led to him having random urges to decorate his arms with lines. He's managed to keep it all under control for now, but Buck knew it was only a matter of time before he loses that fight.
During the past weeks, every attempt made to reach out to Doctor Copeland had him chickening out at the last minute, his anxiety always getting the best of him which meant that he's missed a couple of days' worth of sessions with her in weeks.
A fact he knew his younger sister, who allowed her apartment to be his safe space for the time being, knew about.
Buck managed a small smile as he accepted the cup of tea from May, taking a careful sip to relieve his parched throat as the young dispatcher took a seat next to him on the bed, elbows resting on her knees as she did before turning to look at Buck with a small smile in return.
"I know I told you that you could stay for as long as you need, and I meant it, Buck," May started quietly, her dark brown eyes meeting tired baby blues.
Buck bit his lip, and looked down at the cup in his hands, knowing for sure that there was more to this conversation that his sister had to add.
"And I'm not kicking you out, Ev, I promise. But I really think you should at least check your phone, I know you've gone incognito when you decided to turn your phone off weeks ago, and I get and respect your need for space. But Mom and Bobby have been texting and calling me and they keep on asking about you. And it's not only them; Harry, Maddie, and the rest of the 118 check-ins, too. And honestly, I've been running out of things to say other than he's okay every time they ask how you're doing when we all know that you're not."
Buck swallowed the lump forming in his throat and didn't bother stopping the tears that ran down his cheeks in the middle of May talking. The view of the amber-colored tea in his cup blurred as his tears kept coming. After a moment, he felt her small hands gently remove the cup from his now-shaking hands and he looked up to see deep lines on his sister's face as concerned dark brown eyes searched his.
"They're worried about you, Ev," May told him quietly, "We all are."
But Buck, unconsciously turning to old habits, shook his head. "You guys don't have to be. I'm fine."
"But you aren't fine, Buck!" May countered, her forehead scrunched up as she waved a hand in the air. She didn't give the man a chance to come up with a response as she immediately followed her previous statement.
"We both know that you're not, Ev, so don't even lie to me. Because if you were, you wouldn't have been cooped up here in my apartment for the past two weeks that Mom's been home."
Buck had to look away from her at that. He knew what his sister said was true, and he was well aware that the way he was acting, let alone the way he was dealing with what happened, was very reminiscent of the way he used to deal with a lot of things.
And he hated how easy it was for him to fall back into old familiar ways; hated himself for not having enough strength not to. And he also hated that he couldn't seem to bring himself to face everybody else.
When it was clear her brother wasn't going to answer and when the silence stretched out a little too long for her liking, May sighed.
"You witnessed Mom get shot, Ev. You don't just go through that experience and come out unscathed. Especially not when you're still trying to recover from everything else you've been through before that," she addressed, eyes trying to catch his aversive gaze.
"So why would they..," Buck trailed off, unsure if he even wanted to hear what his sister would have to say about the question that's been lingering in his head for the past two weeks.
But May, like everybody else that has spent enough time with Buck to read him like an open book, knew better than to let her brother get lost in his thoughts in the middle of deeply triggering topics for him like this.
"Why would they what, Buck?" she prompted softly.
Buck bit his lip, contemplating what to say before the need to hear an answer won out.
"Why would they want me to go back? Wouldn't things back h-home better if.. I'm not t-there?" he choked, lips trembling as the thoughts, emotions, and feelings he managed to bottle up for the last two weeks began to catch up to him.
"Of course they want you to go back, Buck. And, no, things would never be better if you're not there, or at least when they don't know for sure that you're alright," May responded earnestly, giving an almost incredulous look at Buck for even daring to ask such an absurd question.
But she knew by now that her brother needed a lot of reassurance. Something that he could hold on to as both a mental and verbal anchor to reality or simply as a benevolent reminder of why he has been doing what he has been for the past few months.
"They want you back home because they're our parents, Ev, and they both want to make sure that you're okay, not the okay you're trying to pretend to be, not the okay that you're all sunshine and rainbow, no," May went on, determined to help Buck in any way she can to further prevent her older brother from reverting to his old ways of always distancing himself when things got difficult for him.
"They want to make sure you're okay in a way that means you're okay with them worrying about you, that you're okay about letting them see you vulnerable like this, that you're okay about letting your guard down with them. That you're okay with them expressing their worries in a way that doesn't make you feel closed in. That you feel safe and comfortable. And more importantly, they want you back home because for them, home doesn't feel like home without you, Evan," the younger of the two continued and he could see the effect his words were having on his friend as a contemplative look fell on Buck's face.
"Parents worry all the time, Ev," May added softly, "Their parental instincts are unparalleled and they go into overdrive when their children are in some kind of distress or in danger."
The sudden change in her brother elicited by her words was almost too palpable to go unnoticed, and May watched as he turned away to stare off into the distance. For a moment, neither sibling said anything else and May was more than willing to wait for her brother to process his thoughts, knowing he would be forthcoming with them when he was ready.
"They never worried," Buck muttered under his breath a moment later.
It was almost inaudible, she wouldn't have heard it if she wasn't already paying attention to him, and the silence of the apartment made it easier for her to make out his words loud and clear.
May hated the fact that she immediately knew who her brother was pertaining to without the need for words. She hated how much they still overshadowed and held a part of him in a tight grip. But she was her mother's daughter, and May was determined to keep her brother from further venturing down that dangerous line of thoughts again.
"The Buckleys don't deserve to be even called parents. They do not deserve that title, Buck. Because no child should've been subjected to what you've been through with them growing up," she responded quietly, prompting Buck to look back at her.
"But they only acted like that because they lost Daniel," Buck muttered in a tone that didn't sit well with his sister who was quick to shake her head at that response.
"Hey, no. Stop, Buck, stop," May reacted fiercely, the need to stop any train of thought leading to that road pushing her on.
"Everyone we know—and I mean everyone—agrees that the way they treated both you and Maddie after your brother died was wrong. You don't have to justify their actions, Buck. You were a child. They shouldn't have had to disregard your well-being and Maddie's just like that. Cancer sucks; everybody knows that. But having one child battling and succumbing to the disease shouldn't have given them the right to treat you and Maddie the way they did," the younger of the two stressed as she watched her brother avert his gaze and wipe the tears off his cheeks.
"They were grieving, May, and—"
And she wasn't having it.
The young dispatcher wasn't about to let her brother's previous way of seeing things re-emerge and destroy what great progress he's made this far into his recovery. What happened weeks ago was definitely traumatizing, she knew that. And she also knew that it was traumatizing enough to push her brother a couple of steps back in recovery. But she will not, for the life of her, allow him to take a couple more steps back regardless if he was doing it consciously or unconsciously.
"They could have grieved without having to be emotionally abusive and negligent. They could have grieved for him without acting like they were the only ones who lost him, or like it was your fault that he died when it was not. So do not go justifying their actions right now, Ev. Not now, not ever. Not to me, not to anyone, not even to yourself—never to yourself. Do you hear me? They are not your parents and they should never have been parents," May stated with conviction as she reached out to hold his trembling hands in hers, dark brown eyes meeting tearful baby blues.
The pain, regret, and longing she predominantly saw in his eyes immediately brought tears to her eyes. Because for weeks, the only look he had were those empty glazed, and dull eyes with no trace of any emotion reflected in those baby blues.
And now, more than two weeks after what happened to their mother, a whirlwind of emotions was now plain for her to see in his eyes. Emotions that were far too overwhelming for her to name one by one.
And it hurt knowing how much of it her brother had kept to himself for weeks.
How much of it clearly tortured him for weeks.
"I know that this.. this phase of you avoiding Mom and Bobby more than likely stemmed from another unpleasant memory you had with the Buckleys that you have yet to share with us," May started, eyes brimming with tears as she gave her brother's hands a gentle squeeze of comfort.
"And I am not going to invalidate that or your feelings or force you to share it with me, for that matter. But what I can and will do is support you in any way I can to help you process whatever thoughts and emotions you have on the matter so you can move forward again," she promised as she reached out a hand to wipe away the tears that were continually running down her brother's cheeks.
Buck sniffed and looked at a loss for words, overwhelmed even.
"M-May, I..," he trailed off, unable to come up with the words to say in response.
But he didn't have to.
May could see everything he wanted and needed to say in his bloodshot blue eyes, so she shook her head at him and gave him a reassuring smile.
"You're my brother, and I love you. And I won't allow you to sabotage yourself like you did in the past ever again, Ev. And if helping you process things means staying cooped up here in my apartment for a few more days, then, as I said, you can stay for as long as you need. But you have to remember that Mom and Bobby? They're nothing like them, Evan. And it's okay if the current headspace that you're in isn't allowing you to believe that. But I will be here to remind you of it every single day until you finally feel secure and reassured to believe it enough to go back home or for me to drive you back or to have Bobby come and pick you up," May told her brother softly, taking in the way he bit his lip as he nodded at that.
"I know how easy it is to fall back into familiar ways when things get difficult, Ev. Believe me, I get it," May added, hand coming up to brush away the stray curl that fell on his forehead, "But I'm right here, okay? Whatever you need to do to process whatever's going on with you, as long as it's not harming you in any way or form, do it. Just don't forget that you're not alone in all of this. Because you're not, Evan. Not anymore, remember?"
Buck took a deep shaky breath and nodded at his sister. "Thank you, May."
"Not for this, Ev. You never have to thank me for this," May returned with a small smile.
And for the first time in weeks, Buck began to slowly feel like himself again.
That night after dinner, Buck spent few a hours mulling over the talk he had with May and allowed himself the time to reshift his focus and realign himself mentally. He grabbed the ignored notebook May had left on the desk for him on his first night at the apartment for the first time in weeks and began to write down his thoughts.
He wrote about what he felt watching his mother get shot, wrote about how detached he was from everything following the ordeal, and how he felt the same way for the past weeks. He wrote about the memory May had guessed right, wrote about how his mother getting shot reminded him of a vaguely similar experience with the Buckleys when he was younger and how it had dug up his unresolved feelings at the time that mixed with what he felt about the shooting incident.
He wrote about almost giving in to the urge of hurting himself over the past few weeks, wrote about how the need to feel that familiar stinging pain of a cut made him almost lose the fight he was having internally. He wrote about the butterfly doodles decorating his arms instead and wrote about the butterfly project he read months ago and how brilliant he thought it was as an alternative to hurting himself.
He wrote about how for the past weeks he struggled with reconnecting with not only himself but with May as well. He wrote about how guilty he felt when his younger sister would check on him every day and try to engage with him only to get dismissed and ignored.
During the next couple of days, with his sister's support, Buck finally got around to calling Doctor Copeland and ended up having a long overdue impromptu session that lasted about two and a half hours. Buck was pretty sure it would have gone on forever if his therapist didn't have another patient scheduled. But nevertheless, Buck felt marginally better after the impromptu session.
He still felt quite unlike himself though, but May's unwavering support and presence were what kept him from diving headfirst into the deep end of his mind. He re-established the routine he's had for the last few months and attended the mandatory daily sessions Doctor Copeland had suggested during their impromptu session.
He started running laps again, cooked meals for himself and May, wrote his daily list of things he was grateful for in his notebook, did some laundry, and even went as far as picking his sister up from work.
The re-established routine made the following days incredibly lighter than they had been, and Buck finally decided to open and check his phone. He went through the multitude of unanswered texts and voice messages he missed while he was incognito and even managed to give his parents a call.
Buck cried when he heard their voices after weeks and cried even more when they told him they missed him and that it was okay if he needed a little more time away from home, that they understood, that he didn't have to explain right away, and went on to tell him that he could go back home anytime he wanted whenever he was ready.
And when Buck found himself standing on the porch of the Grant-Nash household three days later without letting their parents know on an early Saturday morning after May dropped him off before heading to work, he was feeling mixed emotions considering it's been a whole month since he was home.
A whole month since the last time he saw his parents.
Shaking his head and taking a deep breath, Buck fished his keys from his pocket and silently let himself inside the house. He quietly made his way down the steps and took a quick glance at his watch to check the time.
06:21 AM
Buck smiled as removed his jacket and made his way to the kitchen, knowing well enough that his parents both had their days off which meant he still had enough time to make breakfast before either of his parents woke up.
And by the time he heard familiar footsteps coming from down the hall, Buck had already set up the table for three with a selection of pancakes, eggs, ham, sausages, and bacon on the table and a pot of coffee already waiting for them.
He turned around just in time for Bobby and Athena to come into view, eyes wide as they took in his presence.
"Good morning. I made breakfast," Buck greeted with a small smile, heart pounding in his chest as he took in the sight of them.
For a moment no one spoke, just two stunned parents staring at their eldest son with shock written all over their faces and said son a bundle of nerves on the inside while sporting a small sheepish smile on the outside.
Athena then moved to stand before him and reached to cup his cheeks, her dark brown orbs easily catching his baby blue ones. She watched as her son closed his eyes as he leaned into her touch, her thumbs quickly wiping away the stray tears that fell from the corner of his eyes. She wordlessly pressed a kiss on his forehead and smiled at him once he opened his eyes before letting her husband pull their boy in a tight hug.
She watched in contentment as the father-son duo reunited, a smile pulling on the corner of her lips when Buck groaned when his father affectionately ruffled his curls.
The past month since the shooting had been quite dragging for Athena, especially since she had to take some time off to recuperate from the incident. The moment she found out Buck wanted to stay with May immediately had her internal alarms ringing, and she wanted him to come back home with her and Bobby.
But the trapped look he had in his eyes that day made her give up the fight because it was a look she never wanted to see in those baby blues of his ever again, especially when it was directed at her or Bobby.
Athena wanted nothing more than to ask him why he had felt that way with them that day, but it wasn't an ideal topic to have over breakfast when he had just gotten back home.
So, as always, she and Bobby will have to wait until he was ready.
For now, though, they were content with having their son back home and that was enough.
