Chris: (Recapping last episode.) "Last time on Total Drama Action... an all-night heart-to-heart led to Courtney and Duncan patching things up, but there was a catch. And lovebirds weren't the only animals on set, as the cast were each paired up with an animal buddy to train in their image. While some bonded with their animals, others butted fins. In the end, Duncan won invincibility. His and Lindsay's votes sent Courtney packing. Which brings us to the final two. Who would've guessed? And who'll be taking home our grand prize of... one million dollars? Find out right now on Total... Drama... Action!"
(Theme song plays.)
(The episode begins in the girls' trailer. Where Lindsay is relaxing in her bed.)
Lindsay: "Can you believe it?! Me, in the finale, the last girl on Total Drama Action! Except... I'd like another girl to share this with. I'll even accept Heather! Ohh..."
(We now cut In the guys' trailer, where Duncan is doing the same.)
Duncan: "Ahh, finally I can sleep better. Knowing Courtney, we'd all sleep better, am I right? (beat) Right. Nobody left to agree with me on my excellent quips. Good news is, there's also nobody left to reek up the trailer with jungle breath, nobody to wake me up with screaming night terrors. 'Mommy, mommy!' And nobody with any chance of taking my guaranteed million away. Ha ha. (Suddenly the trailer is gassed) What the...?" (He passes out, and the same thing happens to Lindsay)
(We now cut to The next morning, where Lindsay and Duncan are tied together on a mast, and Lindsay wakes up first.)
Lindsay: "Duncan? Duncan?!"
Duncan: "It's a PD day, ma!"
Lindsay: [grunting] "Duncan! I think we've been shipwrecked!"
Duncan: (He struggles in the ropes) "Huh. Tight but not painful. Chef's losing his edge."
Lindsay: "Hey, I have an idea! It'll help us make sure that one of us wins the million dollars... if you're willing to listen."
Duncan: "Depends. The only part I wanna hear is the part where we make sure that the one of us is me."
Lindsay: "We could work together like BTFs! That stands for best team friends."
Duncan: "Best team friends?"
Lindsay: "Reach over to untie me, then I'll undo yours."
Duncan: "Huh, sure. And then you leave me here and get a head start?"
Lindsay: "I wouldn't do that. What do you take me for, Heather? Besides, I've been told I'm the nicest girl in the entire cast. Everyone likes me!"
Duncan: "Pfft, really? Even Heather? And Courtney always said you were a total-"
Lindsay: "Are you gonna undo me or not?"
Duncan: "Scooch over."
Lindsay: "Try not to touch my boobs, 'kay?"
Duncan: "I know what I'm doing."
CONFESSIONAL:
Duncan: "When I was a kid, ma insisted on sending me to Muskrat Boys. We had to wear doinky vests and sell apples, but all the knot-tying lessons meant I'm pretty much a Houdini at tying and untying stuff. Came in handy a bunch of ways I don't think ma had in mind."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
(After they're untied, Chef wheels in a catering cart.)
Chef: "Breakfast anyone?"
Duncan: "And what's today's delicious special? Roast lab rat? Snot-ghetti with booger balls?"
Lindsay: (Gasps.) "Duncan... you better look at this." (The cart is full of gourmet food.)
Duncan: "Wait, Chef. Is that food?!"
Chef: "Fresh fruit to ward off scurvy, hot flapjacks to prevent, uh, lice. Or whatever. All prepared according to my highest personal standard!"
CONFESSIONAL:
Lindsay: "Chef making good food? That's like Heather giving you her invincibility! You have to take advantage of it while it's happening!"
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
(Lindsay and Duncan eat their food as Chris enters.)
Chris: [pirate accent] "Yarr, maties! Me parrot, Chris Jr. Jr. Jr. and I want to congratulate ye landlubbers for making it to the final two! And as ye can probably tell, today be... space zombies movie day!"
Lindsay: "Space zombies?! Where?!"
Chris: (Laughs, and goes back to his normal voice.) "I was just kidding. It's actually pirate movie day! And you're on deck for a swashbuckling obstacle course followed by a treasure hunt through the entire season's challenges. And if you wanna claim your million dollar booty, you might wanna rethink that all-for-one, one-for-all approach."
Lindsay: "Oh... bummer."
CONFESSIONAL:
Lindsay: "Well, somebody has to win, right? I guess it might as well be me! To be nice, I could share the prize with Beth. Or with Tyler! He already likes me a lot, but a million dollars never hurts."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
Chris: (He hands the duo cotton swabs.) "Obstacle number one, swab the poop deck."(Sasquatchanakwa and a bear use different bathrooms)
Chris: "Obstacle number two, pun intended, grab a flag, shimmy up the greased mast, and fly your jolly roger. And finally, a cannonball! The target is the monster-chomped movie set. Ready, set, and... go!" (The two run in, but immediately come out for air.)
Lindsay: "Ugh! My nostrils are burning!" (they duck back in)
Chris: "I get it. The food's laced with laxatives, right? Nice."
Chef: "Nope, just going out in style!"
Chris: "Going out? What do you mean?"
Chef: "That's the last meal I'm ever gonna serve on this two-bit show! I got me a gig cheffing on a swanky cruise ship, so you can kiss my ass goodbye."
Chris: "Yeah, yeah. And I got a job hosting the Oscars. Very funny."
Chef: (he splats his grease brush on Chris' hat) "Who's laughing?"
Lindsay: "I'm totally gonna be sick!"
Duncan: "Well, I ain't cleaning it up! Hey Chris! More swabs over here!" (He gets more swabs and heads back in.)
Chef: "I don't think you wanna keep going there. (Lindsay gasps for air as Duncan finishes up.)I'll have to suffer through his slop with no chance of winning a million."
Chef: "I don't think you wanna keep going there." (Lindsay gasps for air as Duncan finishes up.)
Chris: "Looks like Duncan will be the first to finish the deck."
Lindsay: "Duncan? Best team friends? Please?"
Duncan: Ha, whatever.
(Sasquatchanakwa roars and runs back to the bathroom.)
Chris: "Looks like Bigfoot's not done yet! (After doing its business, Sasquatchanakwa comes back ou.t) Which means Duncan isn't either." (Duncan goes back as Lindsay finishes up)
Duncan: "Lindsay, best team friends?"
Lindsay: "Sorry, Duncan. I just really want that million."
Duncan: Hope you're ready then, Linds. Because the gloves are coming off! [he heads back in]
CONFESSIONAL:
Lindsay: "Okay, so maybe that wasn't super nice of me. I guess when you enter two alliances, each one where a mean girl is in charge, it kinda rubs off on you."
END OF CONFESSIONAL:
(Lindsay tries climbing up the mast, but can't because it's too greased.)
Duncan: "Too bad nobody's around to help you."
Lindsay: "Duncan, I-"
Duncan: "You think I'm gonna fall for the nice girl shtick again? Fat chance. Later, loser. (he climbs up and plants his flag) Woo-hoo-hoo!"
Chris: "You can't bail. We're a team.
Chef: "I fly solo. I'm a maverick."
Chris: "Dude, without this job, you'd still be selling street meat outside the bus station."
(Chef growls in anger.)
Lindsay: [she's climbing the mast] "Okay, follow Duncan's lead and you- (Duncan slides down, bumping her off) Whoa!" (She falls through the floor)
Duncan: "Duncan two, Lindsay zip." (He heads over to the cannon)
Chef: [whistling] "Ever fired an air cannon before?"
Duncan: "Eh, not this particular model."
Chef: "If you're gonna hit that target, it's gonna take a whole lot of air." (Gestures to an air pump)
Duncan: "Ugh."
(Later, Duncan is still pumping the cannon.)
Duncan: "Hmm. Something's missing. What, no 'You pump like my grandma, maggot!'? Chef, are you okay?"
Chef: "After a whole season of lip, now you wanna know if I'm okay?" (the cannon is full)
Duncan: "She's primed!"
Chris: "Get in."
Duncan: "Seriously?"
Chris: "Buckle up, cannonball. (Duncan gets in the cannon) You gonna fire the cannon or are you just gonna stand there and be useless?"
Chef: "N-N-Now you see that? That attitude is why I'm out of here! I've had it with watching you do your bogus job and get all the glory while I'm stuck with all the grunt work!"
Chris: "Hosting is way harder than what you do! I dare you to try it sometime."
Chef: "Fine! Let's go!"
Chris: "Fine! Be my guest!"
Duncan: "Guys? Trying to win a million bones over here? Okay? (Chris hands the remote to Chef, who pushes a button that fires the cannon) Whoa!"
Chef: "Piece of cake, just like the rest of your job."
Chris: "Oh, you'll see."
Lindsay: "Guys?"
Chef: "I'll see what? How easy it is?"
Lindsay: "Guys?!"
Chris: "Have you even ever read a cue card?!"
Lindsay: "Guys!"
Chris and Chef: "What?!"
Lindsay: (she put her flag up) "I did it! I rock! Whoa!" (She falls and crashes through the floor again.)
Chef: "Sorry, girl. I'm gonna have to leave you in the hands of Mr. Personality here and get on with my super-easy hosting duties."
Chris: "I'm totally capable of shooting a girl out of a cannon on my own, thank you."
Chef: "Guess we'll see." (He starts to walk off)
Chris: "Aren't you forgetting something? It's about that time? (Chef stops walking) When people might go to the fridge and change channels and not come back?"
Chef: [clears throat] "Who will win the million bucks? Who will not? Do not touch that clicker. We will find out right after this! I said get your hands off that clicker!"
(Commercial break.)
Duncan: "Cannonball!" (He lands on the monster movie set) Okay, so what the hell am I supposed to-" (Chef arrives on a helicopter)
Chef: "I'm coming, keep your panties on! (he reads from the cue cards) "Sweet landing, dude! I'm your righteous new host, uh, Chef!"
Duncan: "Can we get on with this so I can collect my million?"
Chef: "Work with me here, kid. [clears throat] "The rest of today's challenge is a g-narl- uh, gnarly treasure hunt!"
Duncan: "Yeah, through all the challenges, Chris told us."
Chef: "Oh, and did your ex-host tell you that if you correctly answer a trivia question, you skip the challenge and move on to the next one?"
Duncan: "Right on. Shoot."
Chef: "Okay, uh, bro. Who got the space boot after the alien movie challenge?"
Duncan: "Duh, Geoff and Bridgette. They made out, like, non-stop."
Chef: "Followup question: Where was the weirdest place those lovebirds ever made out?"
Duncan: "How am I supposed to know that?"
Chef: "Bridgette talked about it, like, nonstop."
Duncan: "As if I listen to some girl blah-blah-blahing about her love life."
Chef: "Too bad then! Time to get it on with the alien!"
Duncan: "Whatever. I kicked its butt twice already."
Chef: "Maybe, but in the spirit of Bridgette and Geoff, you gotta mack on that space creature. (the monster is right behind Duncan) Let's make this gross-fest nice and slobbery. Don't be shy, now." (the monster picks Duncan up and roast in his face, but Duncan kisses it, and it drops him.)
Duncan: "Ptah! Ugh! I-I'd rather kiss Heather again!"
(We cut back on the ship, as Lindsay crawls back on and Chris is sniffling)
Lindsay: "Oh my gosh! Chris, are you okay?"
Chris: "Yeah, I'm fine. (he's cutting onions) Stupid Chef's doing my job, so I'm doing his stupid job!"
Lindsay: "Did you guys have, like, a major fight?"
Chris: None of your beeswax! Duncan has a huge lead and you've got an air cannon to pump. Go!
(We now cut at the hill set with Chef & Duncan.)
Chef: "Who was left on the editing floor after the make-a-movie challenge? And followup, what was she reincarnated from?"
Duncan: "Izzy? She's such a freak, it could be anything."
Chef: [imitates buzzer] "No part marks, bro. Can I stop with this 'bro' stuff already?"
Duncan: "So I gotta haul the movie gear up the hill again. Been there, done that."
Chef: "You haven't done squat! This time, you gotta haul the hill up the hill! (he hands Duncan a shovel) So get to it, barrel boy!" (Duncan groans)
(We now cut back on the ship.)
Lindsay: "All right, Chris! I'm ready! Fire away!"
Chris: (he wipes his tears) "Darn these salty trade winds."
Lindsay: "Well, you were cutting onions. It happens to the best of us."
Chris: [crying] "Chef's leaving the show!"
Lindsay: "Really? You know, if I worked in the kitchen all day, all alone, I'd want more attention, too."
Chris: [sniffling] "R-Really?"
Lindsay: "Do you think Chef would want to stay on the show if you tried being nicer to him? It'd work for me." (Chris fires Lindsay from the cannon, but she lands in the water)
Chris: "Should've pumped your cannon more!"
Lindsay: "You think?!"
(On the wild west set, Chef is reading Duncan another question.)
Chef: "Sorry, guy. Since you cannot tell me where Trent's phobia came from...
Duncan: "This time the horse lands on me? (he puts on the saddle) Sure, why not?" (Chef hears the cannon being fired and rushes over)
(On the monster movie set...)
Lindsay: "Owie..."
Chef: (he runs over to Lindsay.) "Your question-"
Lindsay: "I have to answer questions?"
Chef: "I am not reading all these stupid cue cards again! Just tell me, who was voted off first and why?"
Lindsay: "Geoff and Bridgette?"
Chef: "And where was the weirdest place they ever-"
Lindsay: Made out? Oh my gosh! Bridgette told me this crazy story...
FLASHBACK:
(We then cut to Chris at a spa.)
Chris: "Ahh, privacy. Time to catch some sweet artificial rays. (He takes off his jacket, and prepares to enter a tanning machine... only to find Geoff and Bridgette in there, making out.) My Tan-o-matic 3000! It's been TAINTED!"
Bridgette: "Uh, it sure smells nice in here."
Geoff: "Heh, like coconuts."
END OF FLASHBACK:
(At the prison set...)
Duncan: "I know that Gwen's favorite band is the Godly Mind Explosion, she wants a '67 Mustang, her brother has a Gibson Les Paul guitar, but I'm supposed to remember her lizard's names?! Who the *bleep* cares?! (Chef imitates a buzzer and points to the obstacle course.) Let me guess. Release the hounds?
Chef: And they can smell blood."
(Duncan runs off, and Chef groans as he runs in the other direction.)
(Meanwhile...)
Lindsay: "Then the mime snuck up on Trent, which was really mean because he wet his pants in front of everyone! Right?"
Chef: (Panting.) You're right!
Lindsay: "Yeah!" (they run off in separate directions)
(We now cut to Duncan at the warehouses.)
Duncan: "Uh, I-I don't know. DJ likes... uh, dogs?"
Chef: "Wrong!"
Duncan: "Horror movies don't scare me, ha ha. Bring it on!"
Chef: "Now playing... The Miracle of Childbirth." (he plays the film, and Duncan groans)
(Back with Lindsay...)
Lindsay: "Chef?"
Chef: "Chill! I'm doing the job of two people here! I haven't run this much since basic training!"
Lindsay: "Beth told me Gwen's lizards are named Angus and Vampyra. Now what?"
Chef: "Hoo. So, did all you girls miss Gwen when she got the boot?"
Gwen: "Sure. Well, some of us. I mean, I like Gwen and everything, but she got so far last time, I guess I thought she was just lucky. She's a nice girl otherwise, even though she was..."
(Meanwhile, Duncan is running blindfolded through the war movie set as mines blow up.)
Duncan: [panting] "The mines are buried! The blindfold is redundant! Redundant!"
Lindsay: "And before Courtney got her overbite fixed, she bit like, half her tongue off. Beth and I aren't not supposed to know that."
Chef: "Was she as bull-headed and ambitious as she seemed?"
Lindsay: "Well, one time Beth was in the bathroom when she snuck in to eat an ice cream cone..." (Chris is eavesdropping)
(We see Duncan is challenging the bear in the sports challenges)
Lindsay: "But that apparently wasn't even the biggest thing Owen pulled out of his nose that Christmas. Is that enough of an answer? Chef?" (Chef is asleep, and Chris arrives)
Chris: "What kind of host are you?"
Chef: (he snaps awake) "I'm awake!"
Chris: "Chef's stalling has dug a big hole for Lindsay! Duncan's got a five-challenge lead!"
Lindsay: "Stalling? You mean, I wasn't supposed to answer all those followup questions?!"
Chris: "Run, Lindsay! (Lindsay runs off) Run like the wind! It's still anybody's game, folks! Start biting those nails now! [to Chef] As host, it's your job to ramble on, not to make the contestants ramble on. Look, how 'bout I'll follow Lindsay if you catch up to Duncan."
Chef: "Fine. But not because I need any help."
(We now cut to a lot scenes in a montage.)
Lindsay: "I was there when Beth learned that Kaleidoscope thought she was eighty-seven years old and the reincarnation of her own granny."
Lindsay: "Beth told me Owen actually has a hundred and thirty-nine favorite foods. In alphabetical order, there's Alaskan King Crab, American cheese, apples, apple cobbler, apple crisps, apple pie..."
Duncan: (he's carrying Chef over the bridge of the fairy tale set) "I don't know whose wedding Justin cried at! What kind of girly man cries at a wedding anyway? Ah..."
Chef: "Drop me and you're dead meat."
Lindsay: "Baa! Baa!"
Lindsay: "Explosive-o is loco for boom-boom!"
(Duncan rides the Vomit Comet again)
Lindsay: "Justin cried at his own aunt's wedding. By name, Lady Mimi Cici Didi Laduda."
(Chef opens the comet, as Duncan vomits and Chef groans.)
(Montage ends.)
Chris: "Where's Duncan?" (Chef points to where Duncan is as he cleans his shoes)
Chef: "The space movie victim question is..."
Lindsay: "I remember! Harold was voted out after the space challenge."
Chef: "Fine, you can go on."
Lindsay: "You know... Chris told me he'll miss you if you leave. Like, a lot."
Chef:" Really? He said that?"
Lindsay: "Totally. Wish me luck!" (Chef smiles as Lindsay catches up with Duncan)
Chris: "Ooh, look at this suspenseful outcome. The next question could determine who climbs the golden ladder to Glorytown and who slides down the stinky slide to Loserville. All right, who was voted off after the animal buddy challenge."
Duncan and Lindsay: "Courtney!"
CONFESSIONALS:
Duncan: "Finally! I may not file away everybody's stupid details all the time, but I do know a thing or two about Courtney. Because she insisted."
Lindsay: "Perfect! The one person I didn't like enough to have Beth tell me everything about!"
END OF CONFESSIONALS:
Chris: "What was Courtney's band's name?"
Lindsay: "Um... maybe The Bossy's? Oh, no, It's The C.I.T.s!"
Duncan: "Wrong! Courtney's band was the Type-A Psychotic Crazies. Later, losers!
Chris: "Hold on, bro. That was Lindsay's question. Your question: What color is Courtney thinking of?"
Duncan: "Right now? Are you serious? I don't know, uh... blue?
(We now cut backstage of the Aftermath set, where Courtney is unimpressed on the TV.)
Courtney: "Burnt sienna! Ugh! He doesn't know anything about me."
(We now cut back on set.)
Chris: "Tough luck. You both have to do the last challenge!"
Lindsay: "That's okay. I kinda liked the animal buddy challenge."
Duncan: "It bit, but at least it won't kill us."
Chris: "Right. And that's boring. That's why instead, I'm bringing back the shakingest, the quakingest, the bone-mashingest, face-bashingest challenge of all! The disaster movie earthquake challenge!"
Lindsay: (Gulps.) "Oh, no..."
(On the earthquake set...)
Chris: "This sucker tossed the mighty Owen around like a rag doll. It's also where he got eliminated. Contestants ready? Good luck, suckers!" [chuckles]
Duncan: "Just stay low and try not to *bleep* your pants."
Lindsay: "I'm glad one of us is gonna win."
Duncan: "Yeah."
Chris: "Action!" (The set quakes and Chris shoots the golf balls at them, then he shoots various other things)
Duncan: "McLean! You throw like a girl!"
Lindsay: "A five year old girl!" (Chris aims a toilet via a slingshot)
Duncan: "Ah, look out! (they avoid the toilet) There's your team besties, okay? We're even."
Lindsay: "Aw, you're so... [gasps] Run!" (they avoid a sink, and Chef drives in with a safe)
Chef: "It made me think of you."
Chris: "Really?"
Chef: "Want a hand?" (they load the safe and slowly pull it back)
Chris: "The way you torture the kids... you're a natural, you know that? Knockin' em down, bruisin' em up. Killing their spirits. Nobody can do it quite like you, pal."
Chef: "You really mean that?"
Chris: "If you really wanna leave the show, it's cool. Good luck."
Chef: (he thinks about it) "Nah. I couldn't leave you all alone like that. You'd be terrible on your own. You're not that good."
Chris: "So... you'll stay?"
Chef: "After I get a raise, and a vacation."
Chris: "Deal."
Chef: "Then let's finish these suckers off"! (They fire the safe and it hits Duncan)
Lindsay: "Duncan!" (She runs to pull him up)
Duncan: "Forget it, Linds. Go on without me." (Lindsay finds the strength to pull him up)
Lindsay: "Whether I win first, or tie, I won't leave you behind!"
(Then they make it to the zipline, as they both began to zip all the way down.)
Duncan: "You know, I'd kiss you, but if Courtney sees it on the TDA website, I'd deny it ever happened."
Lindsay: "That's okay. We're just friends." (They slide down and when they land, Lindsay lands awkwardly and sprains her ankle) "Ow, ow, ow! My ankle!" (Holds her ankle in pain.)
Duncan: "Don't worry, I gotcha. (He helps her up) Let's go get that million."
(On the Aftermath set, all the contestants see Lindsay and Duncan stumble to the finish line)
Geoff and Bridgette: "And the winner is..." (after much anticipation... Duncan and Lindsay arrive at the same time.)
Bridgette: It's a... tie."
Geoff: So, um... what exactly are we gonna do about the million dollars?
(Everyone gasps, while the contestants are seen glaring or in shock, and Duncan & Lindsay both look at each other, concerned.)
To be continued..
(End credits.)
Who will win it all? Stay tuned for the finale!
