Chapter 13
The weekend happened to fall only a few days before Harry's birthday, though Harry hadn't mentioned it and seemed to have forgotten all about it. But nonetheless, Severus had invited a few extra friends to the cottage for a celebration on Saturday evening. The Weasleys had offered to take care of everything so that Harry wouldn't suspect. With the commotion of five children, the welcome distraction of Ginny and his best friends, and the forecast of sunshine and breezes, Harry might not have noticed an infestation of Acromantulas.
After what Harry claimed was 'the best birthday ever,' the children were put to bed far later than usual, and Severus removed himself from the commotion and busied himself with cleaning up while the rest of the crowd, which now included both Neville and Hannah and Luna and Rolph, as well as George and Angelina and Arthur and Molly, laughed and talked around a fire oceanside.
"Looks like you could use some help."
Arthur Weasley stood in the doorway, looking at the stacks of dishes Severus was washing by hand then drying and stacking with one of Molly's clever kitchen spells.
Severus dried his hands and turned to face Arthur.
"They can wait." He reached for the bottle of scotch, got down two glasses, and poured a healthy measure for each of them. "Harry still taking it easy I hope?" he asked as he handed a glass to his friend.
Arthur laughed. "No one's doing anything more energetic than laughing," he answered. "After Luna and Rolf's announcement, Harry and Ginny tried to talk Ron and Hermione into having another baby."
"I suppose that went over well," Severus mused as Arthur laughed. "They've all been very intentional about their babies," Severus observed.
"Hermione looked horrified," Arthur replied. "And after the chaos down there before they put the children to bed, I can see why."
They settled on the porch and sipped their scotch in silence, listening to the sound of the ocean and the voices that drifted in with the breeze.
"Harry mentioned you had a date," Arthur commented after a long and comfortable silence. "I have to admit I was surprised – I can't imagine how you found time to meet someone."
Severus chuckled. "I only met her last night – Stella set it up."
"She sounds perfect for you – if Harry is to believed, anyway."
"She does," agreed Severus. "I liked her quite a bit."
Arthur glanced over at him. "But…?"
Severus sighed . "There's always a but, isn't there? In this case – the timing couldn't be worse. Harry, the Tri-Wizard tournament, Harry…."
"You do realise you said Harry twice, don't you?"
"I do. There's quite a bit to consider when it comes to Harry – he still has a long way to go."
"He seems to be improving quite a bit," said Arthur. "Is there any reason to think he won't recover fully?"
"He is. And no, there's not. He's made great strides both physically and mentally. But it takes most of my focus…."
"Severus – don't put your own life on hold for him," Arthur advised gently. "He's young and resilient. You, on the other hand, may not have this kind of chance come around again. There are a dozen of us who can cover you here so you can get away and – well, explore the possibilities."
Severus stared out the window at the sea. "I find that I keep thinking about her. She's smart and interesting. Friendly, but not annoyingly so. Did Harry tell you she's from New Zealand?"
"He may have mentioned it," Arthur answered lightly.
The conversation turned to the upcoming Triwizard Tournament, then, as the group on the beach began packing up and getting ready to head back up to the cottage, Arthur's tone grew more somber.
"Before he told us about your date, Harry mentioned Carmen's memorial service is being scheduled and that he'll be attending."
"Ah. That." Severus stared forward as the voices from the shore rose and fell.
"We offered to go with him for support, but he said Ginny would be going with him. That he didn't want the focus on him." He looked at Severus significantly. "I imagine you'll be there too, Severus."
Severus nodded. "I will. Harry and I haven't spoken of it but he knows I've been to other funerals of former students. It is certainly not something I like about being Headmaster." He sighed. "I'm glad Ginny is going. I didn't know they'd arranged that."
"Frankly, I'm just glad Harry is planning to go," Arthur said. "He's getting better, Severus."
The voices were getting closer, and soon the crowd from the beach spilled onto the porch and into the cottage. Harry came last, supported on one side by Ginny and the other by Ron, moving slowly but not struggling for breath as he had been only a week or two ago. He was laughing as Ginny toppled him into the hammock, and he kept hold of her hand and pulled her down with him.
Severus could still hear the creaking of the hammock some time later when he'd gone up to check on the children and then to bed. Hermione and Ron were staying the night, and Ginny and Harry, who were still in the hammock, insisted that Ron and Hermione took the downstairs bedroom.
It was nearly normal – the crowd of friends and family, Harry and Ginny whispering softly in the creaking hammock, the occasional sound of a restless child shifting in a bed. But Severus couldn't sleep. Arthur's advice kept playing in his mind.
Don't put your life on hold for him.
You may not have this chance come around again.
Explore the possibilities.
Arthur was right – Harry was getting better. He was on track – physically – to go back to a desk job by the start of term, whether or not he chose to do so. And he was making strides with his mental health, his grieving, as well. What else did Arthur say? There are a dozen of us who can cover for you.
Severus rolled onto his back and sighed. What was he afraid of? That Harry would flounder? Have a major setback? Perhaps. It wasn't out of the question, especially with the memorial service on the horizon. Or was he afraid to give a new relationship a chance because it was bound to fail, just as the previous ones had?
What was he afraid of?
Not commitment. He'd spent the first half of his life committed to a single cause – protecting Harry Potter. And the last decade and a half, with Voldemort finally gone for good, he'd committed himself to quite a different cause – fatherhood, and then watching his new family expand until it filled the summer cottage up to its rafters on mid-summer days like these.
He heard a soft whimper then, and sat up, ears tuned to the room across the hall, but the sound was not repeated and he heard no small footsteps in the corridor.
Was there really anything - anyone - missing from his life?
His mind wandered to that kiss on the stairs in the moonlight after the quiet walk along the shore.
He hadn't been thinking of Harry during that walk, nor the children, nor the Triwizard Tournament, nor the Defense Professor position nor anything other than how at home he'd felt that evening with Eloise, how her hand felt in his, how she hadn't forced conversation to fill the occasional silences. How he'd stumbled as they climbed the stairs, and she'd called him clumsy with a laugh, and he'd reminded her that she'd nearly toppled into the ocean when she lost her balance as she'd bent to take off her shoes. How she was the same heights as he when she stood on the step above him and he'd looked up at her in the moonlight and knew he wanted to kiss her but he was still lifting his hand to graze her cheek when she'd leaned forward and kissed him first.
It was so easy to kiss her back, to caress her cheek with his thumb, until they heard a noise inside and broke apart suddenly. And she'd giggled, and they'd grinned like teenagers caught on the Astronomy tower after hours.
They'd sat on the stair and kissed again.
"You've done that before," she said quietly, running a finger lightly over his ear.
"A time or two. As have you," he answered.
"A time or two," she replied softly. "Or three."
He'd laughed then, and he smiled now at the memory.
He was happy. He had a son, a daughter-in-law. Grandchildren. A sister. A fulfilling career. Friends and colleagues.
More than he'd ever imagined he'd have.
Certainly more than he'd expected, given where he'd come from.
But more than he deserved? Did he really believe that?
Perhaps.
ooOOOOoo
The week after the birthday celebration brought a flurry of appointments and activities and important progress.
Harry had two appointments with the mind healer, a check-up with Healer Love, a massage with Luna, his daily regimen of exercises and starting on Tuesday, Floo practice.
Healer Love had already Flooed over to the Nest, the nearby Wizarding enclave, where she'd meet Harry and provide any help he might need after the Floo travel. Severus remained at Shell Cottage, standing beside Harry as Harry contemplated the fireplace.
"You know, the first time I tried this, I ended up in Knockturn Alley," he said conversationally.
"You were eleven years old," Severus reminded him. "You've Flooed thousands of times. Go." He was a master at hiding his apprehension. Harry looked at him suspiciously.
"It's never been my favorite form of travel," Harry said with a shake of his head as he took a handful of Floo powder. "Do you think the Knight Bus…?"
"No." Severus wished he'd just do it. The whole thing was making him exceedingly nervous. Harry was just now stable enough to walk without a cane and though he wasn't as clumsy as he'd once been with the Floo, he got dizzy easily and wasn't exactly graceful when stepping out at the other end.
"Hey – wait. There isn't a surprise party waiting for me on the other end, is there? This isn't a setup, is it?"
"No. We celebrated your birthday on Saturday. Weren't two cakes each for you and Neville and at least a dozen gifts enough?"
Harry grinned. "Right." And with that, he dropped the powder in the flames and clearly stated "The Nest" as he stepped forward.
He'd survived, though he'd had a coughing fit on the other end, and after stepping out of the Floo lost his balance and fell nearly on top of Healer Love.
Still, they'd called it a victory, and he'd Flooed back to Shell Cottage fifteen minutes later just ahead of Healer Love and she had left them with instructions to practice every day, and if all went well, they'd add an additional hop on Monday.
It was on Wednesday that Healer Breidenbach brought the news that Carmen's memorial service would be held the following Monday.
He and Harry had their second appointment that day – a long one at two and a half hours – so Severus Flooed to Hogwarts while they were getting settled on the porch.
He went in search of Minerva even before he sorted through ominous pile of mail on his desk. As expected and anticipated, the inquiries about safety precautions during the upcoming tournament were starting to flood in from parents.
He found his colleague and friend in her classroom, studying the fourth-year Transfiguration curriculum.
"They've set the date for the Memorial Service – Monday at 10 o'clock at the family home in Otley, north of Leeds. If you wouldn't mind, could you find out which of the professors was here when…."
"Of course, Severus. Myself, Filius, Pamona and Rolanda. And you." She looked up at him and her expression softened. "I'll contact them with the details. I am sure they'll all represent Hogwarts, Severus. How is Harry taking it?"
Severus settled atop one of the student desks facing her. "He agreed to go last week and the natural outcome was that the family would set the date. He only nodded when his mind healer gave us the news when he arrived at the cottage a short time ago. I left so they could have their session in private."
"If they have a traditional auror's funeral…."
"I know. I imagine the healer will be discussing that with Harry today. Harry has attended several of those in the past years."
Aurors held a guard of honour at their comrades' funerals, a double raised wand line through which their comrade's casket would pass, followed by her closest family. The fallen auror's partner stood alone at the head of the line, holding their partner's wand and boots which would be reverently placed atop the casket.
Minerva's sighed, looking genuinely troubled. "Oh Severus, it will be so difficult for him."
"Minerva," he answered resolutely, "it is difficult for every auror who heads the line. Harry is just another auror who's lost his partner."
He said the words as if trying to convince himself of their veracity, but even someone who didn't know Severus Snape well would know he didn't believe them.
"Of course," she said. "Just another auror, Severus. I'll remember that."
She didn't believe it either.
"Now, do you have any idea what they're planning to do to the Quidditch pitch this time? I refuse to cancel an entire season of Quidditch so they can grow twenty-foot tall weeds there when we have hundreds of acres of perfectly good terrain surrounding this castle!"
He smiled, glad for the distraction. "Perhaps I could convince you to stay on an extra year if I secure the pitch for your precious Gryffindors?"
He left with a promise that the tournament would not disturb the pitch this year, then spent another two hours organising his desk. Finally, he scheduled a meeting for the following Tuesday with the Triwizard committee, who wanted one last tour of the grounds before finalising their venue choices. It seemed inevitable that the lake would be involved again, and he accepted with some trepidation that more than half of the committee would vote for a task involving the Forbidden Forest. That left one more task, which Severus, as headmaster of the host school, would choose. He'd had it planned out for some time, and on Tuesday would reveal his choice – the castle of Hogwarts itself.
Emptied of students and staff and held during daylight hours, it would hold only the professors, ghosts and whatever obstacles and puzzles were set for the champions inside. It would be tricky to craft a task that did not give unfair advantage to the Hogwarts champion, but not impossible. He had ideas. Ideas that had begun to form on that sleepless night last weekend.
Ideas involving Eloise, who'd never been to Hogwarts.
He found himself smiling, and before he could change his mind, penned a short note to her then glanced at the clock. Harry's appointment would end in five minutes.
But before he left, he had one last thing to arrange.
"Whipple."
The senior house-elf popped into his office and a moment later, and a second elf popped in beside him.
"And Sparky." Severus smiled at the younger elf, who still looked shell-shocked when he found himself before the headmaster. Sparky was Whipple's apprentice and for several months now had been shadowing Whipple, leaning his responsibilities. He gave Whipple the note to Eloise which he instructed him to post by owl but as the elf bowed, Severus held up his hand.
"There is one more thing. I will be spending the weekend here – Saturday and Sunday – with my grandchildren."
He pretended not to notice the shudder that moved through Whipple's body.
"Please prepare my quarters – snacks for the children, beds and bedclothes. Sticking charms on anything fragile or breakable."
"Yes, sir, of course, sir." Whipple bowed and Sparky hopped from foot to foot as if his toes were on fire, then a string of words, delivered in a voice that seemed too low-pitched for his youth and enthusiasm, spilled out.
"And the bath, Headmaster sir. Bubbles and ducks and fuzzy towels for the wee ones I thinks."
Severus nodded. "Yes, all those things." He smiled – it was the first time he'd heard Sparky speak. He gazed at the young elf a moment. "Are there games young house-elves play, Sparky? Perhaps you could spend some time with them to teach them."
Sparky's large eyes lit up as he tried to suppress what must have been utter elation.
"Games, sir! So many games, sir!" He bowed low and Severus noted that Whipple straightened, looking inordinately proud of his apprentice. "Please, headmaster sir." He stopped and glanced worriedly at Whipple beside him, but Whipple nodded. "I has a small sister, and a small brother. They is Snappy and Sassy, sir."
"I am sure James, Al and Lily would love to meet them," Severus answered gravely. "Saturday afternoon, then? After lunch."
The two house-elves popped out in tandem, Sparky so jittery with excitement he looked rather blurry.
Severus wondered, not for the first or the last time, if taking on all three children for the weekend was the idea of a sane man. Still, with the memorial service coming, and the decisions with which Harry was grappling, two days and a night alone might do both Harry and Ginny a world of good. And a weekend with no childcare responsibilities would give Arthur and Molly a well-deserved break as well. Besides, he reasoned, he was the headmaster of Hogwarts. He had help.
When he stepped out of the Floo into the sitting room of Shell Cottage a short time later, he was immediately aware of the murmur of quiet voices coming through the kitchen from the porch. He frowned – he'd been gone three hours and Harry's appointment with the mind healer should have ended some time ago. He took a step toward the kitchen but paused, realizing that Healer Breidenbach was sitting in the quiet corner of the room they all referred to as the reading nook.
The healer rose and held up his hand.
"Could we have a word outside, Headmaster?" he asked, his voice just as quiet. He indicated the seldom-used front door of the cottage, and Severus nodded. He took the time to deposit the stack of mail he'd brought through with him onto the small desk they kept for correspondence, then shrugged out of his lightweight summer outer robes and draped them over the sofa. He had a feeling he knew who was in the other room with Harry.
The healer was already outside sitting on one of chairs left there for the occasionalvisitors who smoked. In any other year, Ginny would have tamed the flowerbeds into something more presentable – she had a way with the local wildflowers and they'd long given up trying to plant neat rows of annuals. But this late in the summer – especially this summer – the beds were overgrown and wild. Severus ignored the second chair and settled on the top step instead, leaning his back against the wide post and stretching out his legs with a sigh.
"It went well today – very well," the healer began. So much so that I felt comfortable asking Harry if he would consider a visit from Carmen's family. They wanted to speak with him before the service."
"They're in there now?" asked Severus, though he already knew the answer.
"Her parents. Yes. It's been nearly an hour. I decided to wait for you to return but other than see them in, I haven't participated in their conversation."
Severus studied his hands. "Are they holding a traditional auror's funeral?" he asked after a few slow moments passed, measured by the rise and fall of waves of chirping by their growing colony of crickets.
"If Harry agrees to it," answered Breidenbach. "They were very proud of their daughter. Did you know she had the highest score on both the written and practicals of any candidate since the testing was initiated fifty years ago?"
Severus shook his head. "I knew she was gifted." He paused, remembering the girl she'd been at Hogwarts – one of his Slytherins – one of only two students in all his time there that had achieved a N.E.W.T. in every one of her classes. Ambitious, yes, but fair. Considerate.
Driven.
Harry's time at Hogwarts had been so very different.
"He'll agree," Severus said softly after another long moment.
"And will you attend the funeral with him?" the Healer asked.
"Ginny is going with him," Severus answered. "I'll be there as her head of house, along with her other professors."
"It will be a difficult day for him, but I believe he's ready for this. Harry needs the closure as much as they do."
They heard movement inside then and they stood, Healer Breidenbach extending Severus a hand to help him to his feet.
"I'd like a few minutes with Harry after they leave," he said and Severus nodded. Ceding control to the mind healer did not come naturally to Severus, but he knew he was too close to Harry's emotions to offer the kind of help he needed.
Harry was hugging Carmen's mother when they opened the door. Her father had apparently already Flooed out, and the two broke apart. She reached up and brushed a strand of hair from his eyes, then nodded to the other two man with a teary smile and Flooed out behind her husband.
Harry stared after her then straightened his shoulders and looked over at them.
"I'm fine," he said. He let out a long breath. "I'm glad that's over."
He didn't look fine. He looked like he'd been awake for days, living on coffee and cigarettes, like he'd just gotten in from a three-day stakeout where he hadn't slept a wink. He dropped onto the sofa and his head fell forward into his hands.
Severus stepped forward but the healer touched his arm and Severus reluctantly stepped back.
"I'll go upstairs and change," he murmured, and it took every ounce of resolution he could muster to walk around the sofa and start up the stairs while the healer settled into Albus' chair.
Severus changed his clothes mechanically, pulling on what they all called his uniform, - lightweight trousers and a solid-coloured cotton button-down, sandals on his feet his one nod to beachwear. Harry and the healer were still sitting in the sitting room conversing quietly when he came back down, so he made his way to the porch and settled in a lounge chair and sat there staring at the sea.
It felt like this day was interminably long already and it wasn't yet dinnertime.
He'd almost fallen asleep when Harry settled beside him. They sat quietly together, both semi-reclined in the comfortable chairs, until Harry spoke at last.
"You wouldn't remember this, but Carm was at Hogwarts after the Battle. She was on the casualty retrieval team."
Carm. It was his nickname for her. Harry had said it. Voiced it aloud. It was the first time Severus had heard him use that name since she'd been killed.
"A body hunter." Severus sighed. He was glad he'd slept through that awful week. "No. I'm sorry. I didn't know that."
"She told me once that as bad as it gets, it could never be that bad again," Harry said with a wry smile. He stared off at the sea for a long while then, and Severus waited.
"And she told me that after that day, she was grateful for every single day she was given." His voice choked a bit as he said the words. "And that having me as her partner was the most inspirational thing imaginable – because I'd already done my part. And I said – no, you've got it wrong. I haven't. Not yet. And she laughed and told me she was probably the only person on earth who believed that."
Severus smiled.
"Do you believe it, Dad?"
"I do now," Severus answered. "If you felt like you'd done your part, you wouldn't be reconsidering leaving the Aurors."
"I didn't tell you that," Harry replied carefully, glancing at Severus with a frown. "Did Healer….?" He shook his head. "He wouldn't."
"He didn't." Severus sighed. "Call it a father's intuition if you will."
Harry smiled, but the smile seemed for someone, or something, far away. He stared out toward the ocean. It was so easy to lose oneself in the horizon, thought Severus. At that ever-changing point where ocean met sky.
"I'm going to take the assignment at Hogwarts," Harry said into the silence. Severus had closed his eyes. He could hear the old windchimes sounding on the corner of the house. He let the words sink in, wondering when and how Harry had come to this decision. In the space of three hours? "But after next year, I'm going back to the MLE. I'm not going to let what happened to us happen again, Dad. Some things have to change."
Severus nodded. A year then. A year for Harry to recover even more at Hogwarts. To help them transition to a permanent Defense professor. To experience the Triwizard Tournament from the other side.
"Dad?"
He glanced at Harry. Raised an eyebrow. It seemed a day for Harry to talk, for Severus to listen.
"I've always thought I'll end up at Hogwarts. More or less assumed it, I guess. But I've got a little more to do, first. It will take a few years, I think, but when the kids are at Hogwarts, I'd – well, I'd love to be there with them."
Severus closed his eyes again and let a bit of the tension he'd been holding for most of the summer slip away. "I've been gone three and a half hours, Harry. Quite a few pieces have fallen in a place in a very short time. I certainly didn't expect this much from the healer's first session with you."
"It wasn't Healer Breidenbach," Harry said quietly. "It was Carm's parents. Dad – they're not bitter. They're not mad that I lived and she – she didn't. They were worried about me, and how I was doing, and whether – whether what happened – would make me give up."
Give up. Severus wondered about that specific turn of phrase. They could have said quit, or resign, or leave, or retire. But Harry had specifically used those words, words that implied … failure.
"Give up," Severus repeated softly. "Is that how you saw leaving the Aurors?"
Is that why you decided not to leave?
"No. I never once saw it as a giving up. I was tired, and hurt, and frustrated. I saw what it was doing to all of you - to Gin, and the kids, and you, and the rest of the Weasleys." He sighed. Shook his head and smiled grimly. "But that's not all of it and I think you know it. I didn't want to do it again myself – go through losing someone else, seeing their family grieve. And you know I felt - feel - guilty that I'm still here. That I should have been dead this time, that I always should have died…but didn't. But honestly, I never considered I was giving up until I talked with them today."
"I suppose it would be useless for me to argue that leaving the Aurors at this point in your career would not be giving up?"
"It's a different kind of giving up," Harry countered quietly. "From my perspective, I'd be moving on to something else – maybe something I enjoy more. Something safer, that keeps me around longer for my family. Something less stressful – that would give me more time to enjoy life. I admit it seems like the right thing to do. But then there's Carm."
He paused, and Severus waited. Now that Harry was talking – finally talking – about his fallen partner, Severus didn't want to do or say anything that would turn his son's thoughts back into himself.
"Someone has to make sure the MLE takes Muggle technology and criminal activity seriously. Someone has to make sure we're prepared so we don't walk into a trap like that ever again. Someone has to make sure that her – her death – means something. So she'll be the last one of us to die like that. Merlin, Dad. She was their everything. And she devoted every bit of her being to her job. It can't – it shouldn't – just fizzle out there. I'm waiting until after the memorial service, then I'm going in to talk to Kingsley and Peace and whoever else I can get to listen to me."
"That idea has merit," Severus answered cautiously, wondering, but not saying, but are you ready for that yet?
Harry laughed. "That sounds just like you. What you're thinking is that I'm rushing into this and that I probably should focus on some other things first, right?"
Severus smiled. "Perhaps."
Harry laughed again. "Right." They both stared out to sea for a while, and when Severus was on the edge of consciousness, ready to step into sleep, Harry spoke again.
"And Dad – I have some ideas about Hogwarts, too. About the Defense position."
Severus pretended to be sleeping but relief flooded through him.
Harry was back. It could only get better from here.
