Was it worth it? I guess I'll never know.

Being a seasoned pro at this Hunger Games stuff, I thought I would've lasted longer. Although, it was quite ambitious; the odds being in my favour would've been astronomical. Nasty habit; I really should give it up. Third one was definitely the worst, even if it wasn't a proper Hunger Games. Fuck me, it felt like one. All those traps, littered around a once immaculate Capitol. I can imagine it looks nothing like the postcard it once did. I guess I could go and see it in spirit, but then I have no idea how this whole death shit works. It feels… pretty fucking dead. Fuck knows I've been numb for most of my adult life. Until…

Wait, I can feel?! What do I feel? Pain, mainly. Fuck, it hurts a lot; like a bombs gone off in my head. Is that what happened? I'm struggling to recall the last thing that happened before this. This. Whatever this is, let's explore this a bit more. What else do I feel? My fingers are cold, but the rest is warm and soft, like I'm being swaddled in a blanket. Have I been born again? No, surely not. I remember my life, the life before my death. If I was in a new body, I wouldn't be able to remember the beaches of District 4, playing on my fathers boat with Fletch and Flick, going to school before I turned into the youngest Victor.

Maybe, because I've just died and been reborn, my old memories will fade as I come into my new life. Is that how this works? I don't know; I've never died before, despite how many times I've been close to it. Either way, I know I'm in a hospital. I can tell. I can hear the machines beeping and I have that lingering synthetic smell in my nostrils and taste of anaesthetic and morphling in my mouth. Oh god, it's awful. I remember that taste from when I broke my arm.

If I am reborn, I wonder who my parents are. Hopefully not the sort who would resent their son for something completely out of his control. Control. I expect I'll have some more of that in my new life and the thumb I was under before has been removed.

Hang on…

I think I can see someone! This white light is incredibly painful to these new eyes I have. I blink a few times and can just make out the shape. It's small and yellow. My favourite colour. It's coming more into focus now. I can make out a smile and rich brown eyes. I remember eyes like that. The eyes of…

"Venus…"

"Hey, you."

The familiar voice sends tingles up through my spine. It's all real and in high definition. Clean bed, warm blankets covering my body, plastic tabs pressed to my chest, the cold sensation of saline in my veins, probably mingled with a cocktail of drugs, and not the fun kind. She's laying next to me, looking the same as I remember, albeit a little tired and a few fine lines embellished in her cheeks and forehead. She has a glow in her skin and radiance in her smiling cheeks that burns brighter at my awakening.

"I thought I'd never see you again," I say, my voice slow and sleepy.

"It would take more than a little rebellion to get rid of me," she says.

"Where am I?" I say, glancing around the room. Everything is white and clean, with that familiar hint of Capitol couture.

"My apartment. My bedroom, to be exact."

"How… How did I get here? What happened?"

"That's quite the story."

"I don't think I'm going anywhere anytime soon, do you?"

"Well, someone's not lost their sass," she says with a giggle.

"I've not lost the sass but I fear I may have lost my impeccable ass from being bedridden for so long. I'm assuming I've been here a while?"

"About a month, maybe more. I don't know. Time doesn't feel like it once did, not for quite a while." Her gaze breaks from mine for a moment, glancing past me and off to the distance. Her breathing stops for a second before looking back to me and smiling bright with a glassy look in her eyes. "Brave new world out there, Finn."

"Did… did we win?"

"Yeah," she swallows hard and nods, smiling through tears that are welling. "We won."

Instantly, I am lighter as the weight of Snow's tyranny is lifted from me. Free, at last. No more whoring, no more hoarding of secrets, his ever watching eyes closed on me for the rest of my life and I can finally speak with my heart.

"Well, that's just fantastic news," I say with a teary chuckle that I stifle as the aching in my ribs stops me, hissing through gritted teeth. "Fuck me, this hurts."

"How badly? There's a weak dose of morphling already in your drip, but I can give you more."

"No, I'm okay," I say, shaking my head as I inhale and exhale deeply. "I'll let you know if that changes."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

I close my eyes, letting the memories come to fruition, blurred in the dullness of morphling.

"We were in the tunnels… below the city… there were… these creatures." The screams of the lizard mutts blare in my ears and my skin shivers as I feel the scratches down my spine. My eyes shoot open and meet Venus' red eyes. "The mutts…"

The monitors begin to beep as my heart rate increases. My brow furrows, my chest heaving. Another feeling I'm regaining. Am I angry?

"I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I'm so sorry."

I swallow hard, my chest rising and falling as the anger builds up in me and dissipates, mainly due to the searing pain that burns through me. I don't have to ask; I know she made them. But I also know she had to, something we talked about many times over, even the very last time I saw her, when she snuck into the Training Centre. That night… A small smile rests on my lips and the fury I felt subsides.

"I know, V," I say. "It's okay. We knew this was going to happen, but we're out the other side of it now."

"Thank you," she replies, her words barely audible and eyes free flowing of tears. "Hearing you say that, to literally hear you utter those words when Plutarch said my creations had killed you means so much to me."

"Plutarch… what? I'm dead?"

"Officially, yes," she nods, wiping the tears from her face. "I thought you were already dead after the Peacekeepers blew up that building. They played your faces on the screens like Gamemakers did in the Arena. When I was released, Plutarch told me Katniss blew the tunnels after seeing you being mauled and your body was never found."

I look to the ceiling, trying to piece together everything I remember. The mutts, the screams, the smell of roses, fighting in the dark, the trident Beetee made for me, Katniss, Peeta, Gale, Annie… Annie. My head feels heavy and light at the same time. I really have been through a war and the drugs, albeit helping with the pain, aren't helping with my mind. Her words make sense and yet they don't. How am I alive when I'm dead? Wait. Released. Released from where?

"Finnick, breathe," she says calmly. "It's okay." The violent bleeping of the machines drags me out of my head and back into the room. Now it hurts. Really fucking hurts. Eyes and fists clenched shut. I feel movement beside me and the cool relief creeps up my IV tapped arm. I begin to relax, breathing softer and smoother and the burning fire in my chest slowly shrinks with each breath.

"Fucking hell," I whisper, my eyes fluttering open, lingering on her outstretched frame fiddling with the drip. The bright winter sun through the terrace window creates a shadow of her figure that eclipses my gaze. The beat of my heart in my ears deafens the sound of the monitor. Hydrated and yet incredibly dry and thirsty inside. My mouth falls open and I blink repeatedly, trying to keep my eyes open to make sure what I'm seeing is real. Is this the morphling or something else in that drip? "V… are you…?"

I'm greeted with darkness before I can finish my sentence and when I wake again, a damp cloth is being swept across my face and extremities by a familiar face. The Avox who let me back in over a year ago. She smiles bright at my conscious face and continues to bathe me, slather my burnt, bruised and broken body with a variety of creams and balms with a strong chemical scent.

"Thank you," I say groggily. She shakes her head as if to say 'don't mention it'. She gestures drinking from a cup, to which I nod, and she gets a glass of water and straw. I thank her again as she brings the plastic tube to my lip and I take a tentative sip. She pulls it away and I protest, my dry throat begging to be quenched. She sighs deeply and begins gesturing again. I lay there, puzzled for a moment before it clicks.

"Ah, you don't want me to throw up. Gotcha."

She smiles again and nods.

"I'm so sorry, I don't know your name."

Her brow furrows, pondering a way to tell me and quickly. She takes my hand, palm facing up, and begins to trace letters. C. L. A…

"Claudia," I say, and she nods again. "Thank you, Claudia. I spent a lot of time here, and it was rude of me not to learn it sooner, so I apologise."

A demure smirk rests on her face, a hint of redness that matches her hair forms on her cheeks. Of course, she knows I spent a lot of time here. She was the one who let me back into this apartment when I stormed out after Venus… Venus!

"Where's Venus? Is she here?" Claudia shakes her head. "Do you know when she'll be back? I need to talk to her." The heart monitors beep like crazy and she begins to inhale deeply, showing me that I need to do the same. I rest my head back into the pillow and nod, using her chest to guide me back to calmness.

Claudia shrugs, something that I interpret as she doesn't know, and I sigh. The last image I have of her is imprinted on my mind and I have no idea if it was real or not. I can only wait until she's back. I glance to the left of me and the bright white of daylight streams through the glass door. What to do until then?

"Claudia, do you know what happened to me?"

The Avox retrieves a pen and pad and sits on the edge of the bed and begins scrawling. She writes short paragraphs, passing them to me to read whilst she writes another. I have questions after each piece of paper, but I don't interrupt, letting her story come to fruition in black ink until she's done:

It was about a month ago. Julia and I used to take it in turns to venture out to get supplies and this time, it was my turn. I had only travelled a block or two when I saw a pile of bodies by a sewage drainage grate. I was so used to seeing the dead at that point, I almost didn't take notice, until I saw the hair and the trident. I don't know how many people must've passed you and disregarded you as just another life lost. But I knew it was you. I ran over and you were freezing cold but burning up, covered in blood and snow and shit and soot. I thought you were dead already after seeing the video that was televised, but there you were, right in front of me. Except you weren't dead. Barely breathing, but definitely alive. The others were gone. I'm sorry; you must've known them.

I ran as fast as I could to get Julia to help me bring you back here. I wasn't stupid. I knew taking you to the hospital would've been a death sentence as you were a wanted man, but I used to be a doctor before I lost my tongue. It's how I lost my tongue. I couldn't save the President's grandchild that died in labour. Broken ribs, hypothermic, significant blood loss, covered in burns, deep scratches and bite marks, probably concussed. We cleaned you up and I stitched you up, found these machines in a destroyed plastic surgery clinic along with healing and reconstructive balms. I pumped you with morphling and antibiotics for the infection and I kept you in a rudimentary coma to allow your body time to heal. Broken ribs and deep surface wounds aren't great at the best of times and you still needed to recoup all the blood you lost so it just made sense. You've been in and out of consciousness for a little while now, but this is the first time being properly awake and talking, so you've made great progress. It's a miracle you're not paralysed or have any lasting brain damage.

Venus came back a few weeks after the war ended. She said that she was told that her muttations attacked you and Katniss Everdeen destroyed the tunnels to put you out of your misery. But Venus said her creatures weren't all bad. She was working on the inside all along, engineering a little rebellion into everything that she made. Subtle enough to go unnoticed by everyone, even the scientists that worked under her, but not too subtle that it wouldn't work. A fine balance between good and evil. They were able to sense if someone was hurt, stop attacking and take them to safety, so that's what they must've done with you and the others.

I read the last bit of paper over and over again. So much has happened, and what happened to me is just scratching the surface. I trace my finger over the first sentence and my brow furrows. Venus came back a few weeks after the war ended. I swallow hard. Released. She said she was released, didn't she? Claudia offers me another sip of water and I look up to her.

"Where was Venus?"

Her face grows dark, any colour in it draining in an instant and she looks down at the paper. The pen taps on the edge briefly before she sighs. She scribbles some words down and holds up the pad.

Not my story to tell.

I re-read the words and nod. I understand. I reach out for her hand and she takes it.

"Thank you," I say. "For saving me. I don't think I could ever stop thanking you, and Julia. Is she still here?"

She scribbles some more.

She left after Venus came back. Venus never wanted Avox's to begin with, always found it awkward having us here. That's probably why she didn't learn our names until she came back. But now that Panem was free, there was no reason for us to stay. Julia left, said she wanted to go back to District 6 to see if her family were still there.

"But you stayed?"

A small smile rests on her face and she scribbles some more.

I don't have any family to go back to and I wasn't going to leave my patients.

Patients.

Venus's shadow fills my mind again. Another story only she can tell but I have to ask. I have to know.

"Is she…?" I ask quietly, my grip finding Claudia's hand again. The squeeze I get back gives me my answer, an answer that is confirmed when I awake later in the day. She's asleep beside me, curled up in probably the comfiest position for someone that pregnant. I shuffle my throbbing hips on the mattress to face her as much as possible. Careful of the cannula, I brush my fingers over the bump.

There's a part of me that thought Snow made me infertile after I won. Victors often had cosmetic remodelling after winning, especially the potentially desirable ones. Implants, fillers, chemicals, all stuffed inside the barely living body of a child. I didn't get anything like that thanks to Mags and my genetics. But Snow knew he was going to sell my body off as soon as I turned of age, and I thought he would've made sure something like this would never happen with one simple injection, despite most of my clients being well past childbearing age. I'd never call her a client. Such a word would be a vile insult. It was only ever a means to an end.

The bump begins to move and I pull away, a natural instinct to the unnatural movement. Except it is natural. Very natural. And very real. Venus begins to stir and her own fingers clasp her stomach.

"Oh, baby girl please just settle for five fucking minutes," she mumbles, her eyes rolling around in her sockets, blinking and focusing on me. "Hey…"

"Hey," I smile.

"You're awake."

"Observant, aren't you?"

"Well, someone's definitely better," she replies with a half laugh. Her tired eyes find mine and I can sense fear in them. "How observant are you?"

"My eyes work quite well."

"Well enough to notice…?"

"I can't miss that; you've got your own gravitational pull."

"Oh, fuck off," she groans, trying not to laugh. "I liked you better when you were asleep."

"I don't believe that for one second."

A small smile rests on her lips and she breathes deep. We lay, staring at each other in the silence of the evening dimness. She doesn't know what to say; neither do I, despite hours of questions swimming in my brain. The morphling is doing wonders for the wildfire of pain my body's engulfed in, but makes my brain feel fuzzy and slow. Where do I start?

We both go to speak at the same time and laugh, the undeniable connection that's always been there making a reappearance despite months apart. She lets me go first and I press my lips together before asking.

"It's mine?" Venus' nod is small, barely noticeable.

"There was never anyone else," she whispers.

And there it is. Finnick Odair. Victor. Sexiest man in Panem. Father.

"I thought you were taking contraception?"

"So did I. It turns out working for the Games, with the rebels and worrying about you going into the Quell made this supposedly conscientious analytical scientist neglectful with her pill. And apparently, she now refers to herself in the third person." She laughs a little, and so do I, albeit more of a nasal snort as my chest burns. "I didn't realise for a while. I thought the lack of a period and sickness was due to stress and anxiety and sleep deprivation. Then my tummy began to swell and it all clicked. The night I came to the Training Centre."

That night. The corners of my mouth form a smile. What a night that was. The Queen giving her King one last night to remember before going off to war. A rebellion wouldn't erase that from my mind. Not a chance.

"How far along are you?"

"Seven… seven and a half months. Closer to eight. I don't know. Time feels… weird. It doesn't help that I'm so massive. I look about 12 months, or like I've got twins."

"It's not, is it?"

"No," she laughs a little. "Although they do run in the family. Caelus and Portunus, then Genius's boys. But no. Definitely one in there."

I tentatively reach for the bump again, glancing at Venus as I do. She nods, and with consent granted, I place my hand. It's a strange feeling. Not the bump itself; that's actually quite pleasant. The one in my chest. It's a storm of emotions. Joy, pure unadulterated joy, violently colliding with guilt and sorrow. She places her hand on top of mine.

"This doesn't change anything, you know," she says quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"You. Me. Us. I never expected there to be an us, only grateful for the incredible times we had together. I know you'll go back to 4 when you're fit and ready." Her eyes are glassy and she smiles, fighting with all her strength to hold her tears back. "I saw your wedding, Finnick. The whole Capitol did. It was… beautiful. Much better than our silly thing."

"V…"

"No, it's okay," she says, brushing a stray tear away as soon as it appears. "We've had this conversation… How many times? It's just the way it is."

I think of Annie, how she must be feeling now, by herself in District 4. No Mags. Grieving and alone. I like to think Johanna is there, keeping her company, supporting her as best as she can as she too knows intense grief. It's such a fucked up situation from the start. None of this would've happened had the threads of our lives been intertwined and woven by forceful hands. Do I regret it? Even now, lying next to the woman who had my heart from the beginning and now carries my child, do I?

I say the only thing I can think of that can take us away from this hurtful conversation.

"I'll cause quite the stir coming back from the dead."

"I knew you always loved the attention," she smirks. That's better. I can't bear seeing her with tears in her eyes, especially when I know when they're for me. "Can I ask you an awkward question?"

"Shoot."

"Would you… mind if I still slept here? I just… I get them now. Nightmares. I don't get them when I'm with you."

Her voice is so quiet. She's afraid. So terrified. There's something she's not telling me. She will, but now's not the time to ask.

"Of course you can."

"Thank you," she mouths.

We both jump as the bump begins to move and I'm reminded of my hand sandwiched between hers and our unborn child. Fuck, how could I forget this? There's so much to ask, to answer, to listen. All in good time. I'm not going anywhere any time soon.

"She's a feisty one, isn't she?" I say.

"Definitely your child."

"And yours."

Our eyes meet and her lips press together, brow furrowed. Wincing from the emotional pain. I know, V. It hurts me too.

"I'm going to find Claudia, see what the next steps are now you're properly awake. Maybe see if we can get you moving. I'm sure she'll appreciate not having to clean your subpar ass anymore. Or maybe if we can give you some proper food rather than nutrient shots."

"Damn, she's seen my ass? For free?"

"And the rest of it," Venus smirks.

"She has no idea how lucky she is. Women would pay thousands to see that," I joke, making Venus laugh quietly. "I could murder a pizza right about now, though." As I say the words, my mouth begins to salivate and I can smell the cheese and tomato doughy goodness.

"Not with pineapple on. Don't make me make that for you again."

"It goes and you know it."

"Fuck you!" She laughs.

The next few days are like this, dozing for the most part at weird times almost like I'm a baby myself. I recall thinking I was reborn at one point, so maybe I am. The chemical slumbers are nowhere near as good as a true one, but I've not had a good night's rest since I was 14 years old. Still, the nightmares have yet to make a reappearance. When I wake, I either see Claudia attending to my wounds or fiddling with my drugs, or Venus taking on some of the nursing duties herself or resting beside me, cradling her bump. I ask for more morphling, something I never thought I'd say, as the pain becomes more vibrant and searing as I become more and more awake. Sometimes I wonder if it actually helps with the pain or if it just makes you forget that it's there. Supplies are limited even in the bountiful Capitol, but she says she'll try and get some more. Despite dreams of pineapple covered pizza, my stomach is fed on the basics to begin with. It's been empty for so long and Claudia is cautious of me throwing it all back up again. Small mouthfuls of oatmeal, plain broth, mashed potato then more substantial but still plain pasta, toast and yoghurt. I really am a big useless baby.

The heart monitor has been removed and given back to the clinic it was looted from. My arms are stained blue, green and purple from Claudia having to change the vein that's tapped every few days. It makes me laugh. I feel like a real Capitol citizen with this unnatural skin colour. The drip is eventually removed too, swallowing down a weaker dose of morphling in pill form, anti inflammatories and antibiotics every few hours. The open wounds are closing, scabbing over and healing beautifully. The last few stitches are taken out as well. Claudia says they won't scar as the medicinal balms are from a plastics clinic, keeping my skin youthful and fresh. She massages my legs to keep up the circulation and does very simple exercises to build my strength up, and I'm just about managing to hobble to the bathroom and back with her help. She keeps her pad and pen in her pocket at all times, ready for a marathon long conversation. I keep asking what happened to Venus but she refuses to tell me, reiterating that it's not her place to say and she'll tell me when she's ready. In fact, I think it's me who lacks the courage to ask. But I find it, my strength building with each passing hour.

"Claudia told me what happened. To me," I say whilst sitting up in bed. Venus sits on the edge of the bed, spooning chicken noodle soup into my mouth. Getting some more practice in. "But she didn't say what happened to you." She goes silent and sits still, frozen in the moment. Her face becomes ghostly white and her eyes glaze over, a look I've seen countless times before.

"I guess this conversation was going to happen at some point," she mumbles after what feels like a lifetime.

"I'm sorry, V. We don't have to talk about it now."

"No, it's okay. You told me about 13; I have to tell you about the Capitol." She takes a deep breath in and puts my dinner on the bedside table. I've never seen her so still and quiet before. Even when we had deep and emotional conversations, she remained so calm and collected. With the little strength I have, I reach out, offering my hand to her. She looks down at it, hesitating for a moment and tentatively takes it, our fingers entwining. The tension I feel in me and her releases in that moment. She sits in the silence for a moment before finding the courage to tell me what happened.

"They got me, the Peacekeepers, leaving the Training Centre. I tucked you in, gave you a kiss and left with so much hope. Probably too much. My guard was down. I was arrogant that I could get away with it, you know? One last goodbye, for old times sake."

"V, I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"You wouldn't have," she replies with a shrug. "You were in a relatively safe bubble with the rebels. You must've thought I was as well."

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think that. I woke up that morning early, feeling the most refreshed I'd been in a long while, and went into the Arena with the same hope that I bet Venus felt. I had this image in my mind of her, curled up on her sofa with a black coffee, watching the Games unfold before being called in by Snow for the war effort. I recall asking Heavensbee about the rebels in the Capitol. In one of the moments of quiet, I pulled him to the side and whispered my question. He must've known the implied meaning, seeing as he was the one who introduced us. He had this small smirk on his face and said that everyone was safe. She said that she was going to be fine and Heavensbee had basically confirmed it; why would I ever doubt their words?

"The Peacekeepers arrested me and I was taken in for questioning. That's what they called it. Questioning. It was anything but. They wanted to know who I was and why I was in the Training Centre, why I had this book in my bag with pictures of you. I don't think I've ever felt pain like it. I screamed and I screamed. But I remained calm, pleaded my innocence, and said that I worked for the Games. It didn't explain the scrapbook.

"It felt like years, but it could only have been a few hours before I was graced with a visit from the big man himself. 'I almost didn't recognise you, Miss Evander,' he said. It made my skin crawl. He saw the book and knew how many times I'd paid for your company, so I did the maths for him, and said that I was so besotted with you, I had to see you one last time before you went in. Not entirely a lie. 'What is it with the youth of today proclaiming they did it for love? Do you really think I'm that foolish?' He wasn't convinced and the torture continued. I'm surprised I still have a voice after all the screaming, screaming for you, for help, for death.

"I thought it was going to come when he came back to me. 'You'll be pleased to know your little lover is still alive and in District 13.' I didn't say anything. They had the Games up on the screens the whole time I was being tortured, probably as a form of torture itself, so I saw the forcefield get blown. I was so happy to know you were alive but I was so confused. I didn't know 13 was still a place, let alone the location of the rebels. I think he could sense it with those snake-like eyes that I was clueless, because his demeanour changed. 'I can't imagine what he would think if he knew I had not one, but two of his lovers. Miss Cresta is a dear little thing; arrived from District 4 just this morning. A valuable addition to my collection of Victor's. You, on the other hand, are the most valuable of them all'. The torture stopped, I was taken to a more comfortable room that was still a cell and and was put to work for him.

"I get it, now. I completely get it. I always did my best to empathise with you and the trauma you experienced, knowing that I didn't have an inkling of what it must've been like. But I've seen it now, I've felt it, Snow's power, what it can do to a person. It's… fucking horrifying. And it's funny, you know, the nightmares stopped when I came back, when I knew you were here in my apartment."

Her words rattle around in my head and I try to piece everything together through the numbness of the morphling. The arrest, the torture, Annie… Venus squeezes my hand and the realisation sets in.

"The screams I heard in the Arena, from the Jabberjays. I knew they weren't hers but… you…"

Venus nods, tilting it to the side a little.

"Yep," she replies, laughing awkwardly as her eyes well with tears. "Little ol' me. Changing my voice to sound like Annie's to really fuck with your head. I brought the Jabberjays back, even warned you about them and look what good that did."

"Venus… I… I'm so sorry."

"No, I am. Everything you've been through, everything that's happened to you, in the Arena, in the war, I've been at the heart of. My hands have always dripped with blood, justifying it with all the good I've done with my research, and I only saw it when I got yours on them too. You shouldn't be here; you should be alive and safe in 4, not dead in the Capitol. Even if you wanted to forgive me, I wouldn't accept it. I'm not worthy of it."

She recoils, forcing her tears back with disgust and choking on her breath. Empathy powers my arm to take hers again, squeezing tight and holding her steady.

"Stop, V," I whisper. Her gaze locks onto mine and she freezes in my hand. "I know what you're feeling. Regret, guilt, loathing, sorrow. I've felt all that and more since I was 14 and it's no wonder after all the horrific things I've done or have been done to me. But I know, deep in my heart, that none of those choices were mine to begin with, and they weren't yours either. We were just pieces in their Games, all the way from the start with how we met, and did what we had to do to survive. You think you're not worthy of forgiveness; I don't think you need it to begin with."

"But if it wasn't for me-"

"If it wasn't for you, Snow would've found another scientist and those mutts in the sewers would've been real mutts and I definitely would be dead. Claudia told me you engineered a little rebellion in all your work and it's probably why I'm alive. That, and sheer dumb luck she spotted me," I say with a smile.

Her breathing begins to slow and her grip has become even tighter on my hand. I can see it now in the silence of the room: the pain she's endured, the things she's seen, the sacrifices she made. A Victor in her own rights. She played their Games and won, but at what cost? The only reply she can muster is a nod and a small smile before releasing my hand and continuing to feed me.

Later that night, I awake from my chemical slumber, the sound of Venus getting ready for bed arousing my senses. I stay quiet so as not to make her apologise for waking me. Bless her, she hasn't stopped apologising since my resurrection. Watching her remove her clothes one by one, I am in total awe of her body. I always have been, but this is different. It's so much more beautiful, the way it's changed to accommodate the growing life inside. Her movements are slow, mobility reduced by the large bump. I try not to laugh when she groans in frustration at her futile attempts at removing her socks.

"I'd like to see you take your socks off," she grumbles.

"Come on. Give me your feet. I'm not entirely useless."

I manage to ease myself up into something of a sitting position. She swings her legs around so that she's laying horizontal on the bed, leaning back on her hands. Her head rolls back and she sighs deeply.

"I'm so done with being this fucking fat," she yawns. "Well, fatter than usual. Why can't I be one of those cute pregnant women? Instead, I'm so swollen and everything hurts. Especially my boobs. And my ankles. And my back. Fuck, I miss laying on my front so much. And it's only going to get worse."

"Not much longer," I reply. I slip the socks off and she sighs with satisfaction at the gentle brushing of my fingers. I look up and her naked body is illuminated by the bright winter moon, dipping in and out of her curves. I've seen this image before. Venus in moonlight. I can't help but stare in wonder. I press my lips together and my fingers rub her soles and ankles softly, distracting my mind from taking the gamble with my next words. "You're beautiful, Venus. You always have been. But even now, especially now. You're…" Her dazed head rolls, the long blonde curls ruffling as her gaze sets on mine. "A goddess."

"I think you've had too much morphling today," she whispers.

"No. I know what I'm saying. And I know what I'm seeing."

She pulls her feet away and gets up, holding the lower of her back as she strolls to the wardrobe panel. I feel so helpless, and, even if I wasn't a complete mess in a six foot three and half inch body, there isn't much I could do. I'll never know what it's like, but I can try and understand, like she always did with me. She dons an old baggy shirt that barely covers her stomach and slips under the covers next to me. It takes a while for Venus to settle, to try and find that sweet spot where nothing aches, but she gets there, facing me.

"Oh, I know you want to come out; I do too, but you're not ready yet," Venus groans, rubbing her hand over the curve of her abdomen.

"Is she kicking again?" Venus nods and presses my free hand right on the spot. I can't help but smile whilst Venus frowns and holds in groans of annoyance. "Why do you say she?"

"She's a she because she's a she," Venus says. "Honestly, what is Claudia drugging you with right now?"

"Definitely? This isn't some sort of pregnancy premonition?"

"I found out when I was in prison."

"Did Snow know?"

"Hard not to," she smirks. "I was huge even after a few months. I remember the day he clocked it for the first time. He summoned me to his office and I could tell straight away he was furious in that calm psychotic way. The pregnancy could've been a greater symbol of the rebellion than the Mockingjay, having been produced from Capitol and District blood, and not just any District blood, but that of a Victor. 'If only I had known sooner; we could've sorted this out swiftly and painlessly,' he told me. My stomach dropped instantly. I was convinced he would force me into a termination, poison my food or water. He went quiet for a while before saying that he'd arrange for a physician to see me the next day, and I had regular tests, checks and scans throughout my incarceration."

"And that's how you know."

"And that's how I know," she says with a yawn. "I guess there was some compassion there. Only a smidge. Despite what she could've represented, the life of an unborn child wasn't needed in his plan and I seemed to be on his side. I think he was amazed she was able to grow and was healthy after everything I went through. Probably wanted to experiment on her once she was born or something."

The idea of his slippery fingers touching my child makes my hairs stand to attention and my blood boil with rage. Thank fuck he's dead already because the thought alone has made me feel murderous.

"Do you think there's a recording of what happened at his execution?"

"More than likely."

Claudia told me what happened in one of her scribbled essays, how Katniss killed President Coin instead of Snow. Apparently she realised it was Coin who ordered the round of bombs outside the Presidential Mansion that killed her sister Prim, not Snow. I liked Prim; she was a sweet girl, obsessed with that cat of hers. The whole thing was chaos: Coin's demise and Snow's subsequent death. Some say he choked on his own blood, others that he was crushed by the crowd. I'm hoping it's the former.

"Just some light hearted afternoon viewing," I say with a quiet laugh. Venus laughs and soon winces, groaning and clutching her stomach.

"Fuck… that was a big kick," she says through gritted teeth. "I think she found that funny."

"Does this help?" I ask, stroking over her stomach. She takes a moment, savouring the sensation and then nods.

"I think she likes you, knows who her father is," Venus smiles, and it drops almost as quickly as it formed. She averts my gaze, making my heart pang. "I used to laugh when people would say things like that, that the baby can hear you and they know what you're saying. Now, look at me."

"We'll blame the hormones."

"That, and the fact being pregnant in prison whilst getting tortured has probably made me fucking insane."

"What a pair we are, basically held together by string and child's glue."

She laughs a little and goes quiet, glancing from my hand on her bump to my eyes, glistening in the darkness of the room. Her nostrils flare and lips press tight together.

"Claudia is going to do some more exercises with me tomorrow," I say, clearing the lump that had formed in my throat. "Make me walk a little more."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Ready. I did so much laying around in 13; I don't want to do any more than I need to. I need a purpose."

As the words leave my mouth, we both realise what those words could mean, what my purpose could be. I glance at her bump and find my fingers have made their way beneath the fabric of the shirt, caressing her smooth soft skin. My insides knot and twist and turn, my chest trembling. I close my eyes and her gentle lips on mine are the last thing I remember before the darkness of sleep consumes me.

In the morning, I awake alone, albeit with a revitalised feeling coursing through my veins. Claudia appears with a breakfast of oatmeal and syrup and I have the energy to feed myself this time. I ask where Venus is, and she writes on her pad that she's gone to visit her father. My brow furrows as I read the words. Should she be going out by herself when she's this far along? There's a hint of an eye roll from Claudia and she shrugs. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, remembering her lips on mine. I don't recall who moved first. Magnetically drawn, perhaps. Inevitable. Conflicted. Do I regret it? What does it mean? How do we talk about it when we both know it hurts more than the physical agony I'm in?

Claudia distracts me with our exercises for the day. It hurts like hell but fuck, I'm determined to get moving again. I tower over her when I rise. I'm uneasy on my feet to begin with, but I'm soon hobbling around the apartment, my joints clicking into place with each step. I look in the mirror for the first time. I'd caught glimpses before, never really taking notice because I didn't believe it was me. But now it's right there in front of me and it's like looking at a ghost. My hair is an unruly length and a disgusting beard has made an appearance. In a way, I look like how I last remember my father, although I'm thin and weathered. Still got the dimples. I decide that I want the beard and hair gone, and when Venus returns, it's the first thing I say to her. Considering how fucked the rest of my body is, my hair should be low down on the priority list, but I know I'll feel a little more human with it gone. She asks Claudia if my skin is healed enough for a bath and she agrees.

"I guess this is all good practice," she says.

She runs a bath laced with antiseptic bubbles that smell deliciously sweet of berries. Claudia helps me out of bed and takes me to the bathroom where Venus has set up a chair with some scissors and a razor alongside some clean clothes. They both help me peel off the simple linen and Claudia takes most of my weight as I'm eased into the tub. The warmth smothers my body and my muscles instantly relax, sighing with satisfaction. Claudia leaves us alone and Venus brings the chair to the edge to help bathe me. I'm gently rubbed, her masterful fingers working softly on my extremities. I can't help but moan with delight.

"Enjoying this?"

"Mmm, I think I'll purr like a cat when you do my hair," I mumble, making Venus laugh quietly. "How was your day? Claudia said you went to see your father."

"I did. He's bought more things for me, well, for the…" And she points at her swollen stomach. "I keep telling him he doesn't have to. I still have far more money than him, Genius and Janus combined, but there's always things appearing at my door that he's had sent. Another intelligent angel on the way, he says."

"I thought you had four brothers?"

"Had."

As she bathes and washes me, Venus goes back in time to the moment the war ended from her perspective. Coin wanted to put her on trial for her involvement in the war, but Plutarch's testimony saved her the ordeal and she was given a full pardon. Apparently, Heavensbee knew Snow had her locked up from day one and told her he saw all of her messages, all of her pleas for rescue and tidbits of Capitol information, but had to focus on the bigger picture. She even told them where the Victor's were being held, and barely got a thank you for it, let alone an apology. It was a low blow especially after everything she'd done for him, for the cause. I guess Heavensbee's definition of 'safe' was based on knowing Venus' value to Snow. The big man only takes life for specific purposes and she could do so much for him. It would be wasteful.

She went straight to her childhood home as soon as she was released. Her father didn't recognise her at first, largely attributed to her lack of Capitol couture and not expecting her to be pregnant.

"But, also he thought I was a ghost, as he believed I was dead as well," she says.

All four of the Evander brother's as well as head of the clan, Jupiter Evander, had volunteered to join the Peacekeepers to aid in the war effort, but due to dentists being seen as medical professionals, they were sent to work in the hospital's. It was a pod that had killed them, seen too late on their hospital issued holo after a night shift.

"I'm sorry, V," I say once she goes quiet. She just shrugs.

"It's weird. I still don't think I've fully processed it yet. Being in prison, being pregnant, grieving for you, and then finding out they were dead too… It's a lot. My head's a fucking mess. It's brought us closer together; the four of us. I've seen them far more since I was released than I have in years. They're still not sure how things will be in the future, so I guess they're all clinging on in case we lose each other again."

It will take time for them to fully acclimate to the new Panem, what with the Evander's being Capitol through and through. The loss of a son, a brother, has brought light to something that was more important than the stubbornness of familial jealousy and status. There is love in blood. Part of me is envious that the death of her brothers and her supposed resurrection brought her closer to what remains of her family. I've been dead to my mother for years; it's probably best if it stays that way.

Venus calls for Claudia and she helps me get out of the bath. Clean, skin a little shrivelled from being in there too long, leaving behind a tub of slightly murky water. I smell exquisite. I hobble to the mirror, wiping the steam from the surface and analyse my naked body. I've lost so much weight, my once dreamy muscles now nonexistent, but the deep red scratches in a perfect V are healing nicely. I swallow hard and look down to the lipstick tattoo that's been with me since I was 19. I could've had this removed years ago. Why didn't I? Should I?

"Don't worry," Venus says from behind me. "You'll be the sexiest man in Panem soon enough."

"You mean to say you don't think I am right now?" I laugh, trying my best to pull one of my ridiculous provocative poses whilst damp and naked. She stifles her laugh, rolling her eyes and helps me get dried and dressed. I sit down in the chair, now moved in front of the mirror.

"I can't promise I'll be any good. But I'll do my best."

"That's all I could ask for."

I watch her reflection cut the ragged locks, combing through the wet hair and tentatively trimming. I can't help but smile at the sight of her concentrating face. Brow furrowed and lip bitten as she busies herself. More and more hair lands on the floor and with each cut, I feel more like myself. She dries the hair and my eyes roll back into their sockets, purring from her pampering.

"I think… I'm done," she says, stepping back and admiring her handy work. "It's not perfect but…"

"No, it is," I sigh, running my hands through my shorter hair. My eyes lock with hers in her reflection and I smile. Her lips press together and she nods.

"Now for the tricky bit."

I offer an arm out to support her as she kneels in front of me and tilts my chin up. Her deep brown eyes sparkle in the pure white light of the bathroom and she begins trimming the hair on my face. Reserved at first, each snip cautious, removing the thick bush before applying the foam and gliding the razor over my neck and cheeks. Her brow furrows and the corner of her lip is bitten again and I try my best to suppress my smile.

"Stop it," she says, firmly but quietly. "You're putting me off."

"I'm sorry, I can't help it. I've never noticed you do that before." She glances at me and her attentive expression is now one of confusion. "Well… you've bitten your lip before but not like this."

Her cheeks flush red and lip springs back to fullness as she releases it and clears her throat before carrying on.

"You've never seen me work before, I guess," Venus mumbles.

"You know," I say quietly. "You're in a very powerful position here."

"I always have been." Her eye catches mine again and a lump appears in my throat that I desperately try to swallow. The images of when we last said something similar in the darkness of the Training Center flood my mind and they play in front of her eyes as well. Her cheeks are a deeper crimson and she busies herself once more. The elephant is still well and truly in the room. "Is that why you asked me to do this, rather than Claudia, who's been home all day?"

"What?"

"To see me in a powerful position."

The lump reappears in my throat, my mouth going dry. The low light makes her eyes glint and shimmer and the corner of her lip is bitten again. By choice, I think. Why did I ask Venus to do this?

"Well… I…"

"There you are, all done," she says, leaning back. I clear my throat and she reaches for a damp flannel, wiping the remaining foam from my face. "What do you think?"

Venus moves out of the way from my view of the mirror and I look between my fresh face and her and… fuck me, is that what I look like now? I run my hand over my cheek in disbelief, angling my head in a variety of positions. I look the same and yet somehow completely different. Fresher, younger, slightly different nose shape and overall facial structure.

"I look… far too perfect," I say, glancing at her.

"Never happy, are you?" She laughs, shaking her head.

Claudia does a double take when she sees me hair free and clean, but smiles and writes a note that says I look like a different man. The three of us dine in the main living area, my haircut having given me the strength to sit up at the table for the first time. Whilst I was in the bath, Claudia cooked one of my favourites: tuna stew with seaweed bread. It's the perfect dish for all of us. It's no lobster spaghetti, but it's delicious, nutritious, easy to eat when you don't have a tongue.

"How did you know?" I ask, glancing between her and Venus as I spoon down mouthfuls, barely coming up for air. Claudia gestures to Venus and I can see a hint of colour in her cheeks that makes me smile. "I'm surprised you remember it, V."

Claudia shakes her head and gestures open pages, like a book. A book. Scrapbook. My heart flutters and the thought bounces around in my head. The scrapbook. The physical embodiment of the adventures we had in the year before the war. Plastic photos, poetry, completely random objects that have no meaning to anyone but us, all bookmarked with an erotic tally.

"You still have it?" I say to Venus, my heartbeat deafening in my ears. I take a sip of water as my mouth goes dry. The stew isn't that salty, surely. No, it was seasoned to perfection.

"Mhmm. I don't know why they didn't destroy my backpack, but it was returned to me when I was released, with everything inside it."

Everything? Well that must include… I look down to my right hand, and watch as my thumb strokes the empty gap on my ring finger. Have I been doing that this whole time without realising? Now that I am realising, I know that I have. The indent of smooth skin isn't as prominent as it was due to my weight loss, but I used to find myself running my thumb there, just like I am now, when I was in District 13. A subconscious thing. Always on my mind and in my heart, even if I didn't know it.

"Don't worry. Claudia didn't see everything that was in the book," she says, but her words are barely audible over the sound of my deafening heart beat. My gaze lingers from my hand to hers. Her right one clutches the spoon and her left rests atop the bump, the pearlescent pinkness shimmering. It doesn't look like it's ever been taken off. How have I not noticed it before? I guess it felt so natural when brushed against my skin.

Venus begins to groan and my attention is snapped away from her hand. Claudia tries to get her attention, but she's lost in a world of pain.

"V, what's wrong?" I say loudly, my stomach beginning to churn with fear. She shakes her head, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth.

"I'm fine. I think I've just done too much today," she says.

Claudia and I exchange an anxious look. I can't read her mind but I know what she's thinking. She's not ready yet; it's probably nothing to worry about. She breathes deep, and it's as if nothing happened, she carries on eating. Claudia washes up and helps me back to bed. Before she leaves, I grab her hand and look deep into her eyes.

"Help me, Claudia. Please. You should never have been a slave and I don't want you to continue to be, but I'm not strong enough yet."

She shakes her head and my heart sinks as she reaches for the pad that's stored in her pocket.

Of course, I will. I was always going to.

My heart returns to its rightful place in my chest and I smile.