Oliver
Any false sense of calmness or overall security fell from my face the moment Enrique left my room, replaced by anxiety and disgust that I had never felt for myself before. On a day to day bases, I had relatively good self esteem. I had no problem with the person I saw when I looked in the mirror and I viewed myself as someone happy. Today was different, though… today I suddenly found myself doubting everything that I ever knew about me. Ever since Raul and Julia, I felt guilty for the piece of myself I had been hiding.
I'm gay…
I spoke internally, yet still felt a chill go down my spine. I took absolutely zero issue with the gay community, I was not particularly bothered by the names I had heard others call me, easily able to give a petty response in return. So why did it feel so wrong all of a sudden? Why couldn't I say it to my parents, my team, my best friend?
Taking a deep breath, I stood up and slipped my shoes on before leaving the comfort of my confined personal space in order to venture back into the real world. Something was very wrong with me today, and it felt impossible to figure out what that thing was.
The living room wasn't what you would call a sight to see, with Lars locked in the bathroom and Peter squished in between the couch and three humorously large text books.
"Are you going with Enrique?" He asked me, looking up from the one marked Calculusand adjusting his glasses. "Lars says that garage parties are where STD's are formed."
"I'm going to meet up with some club mates and I'm not dignifying your other statement with a response."
"Actually, one was a question and the other was a statement."
Ignoring him, I left our dorm and walked into the cool evening air, lighting a cigarette before I was even on the path. I wasn't used to anxiety, nor was I used to this sudden level of agitation. Now attempting to turn off my overworked brain, I focused on the chirping of crickets and the sound of the leaves rustling in what was merely the smallest of breezes. I was honestly glad I was going to their room and not meeting them somewhere, as it gave me time to be alone without the possibility of us running into one another and making the walk together.
Dorm Hall C… I thought to myself while I read the sides of the complexes, punching in the code that Julia had given me and letting myself into the building. I had never taken the time to be thankful for boarding in A1, reminding myself to do so from now on while managing the near empty hallway. Most students were out socializing or locked up doing homework. The weekend was making its way through.
C18… C20…
C22
Knocking on the door, I debated sending a text message, unsure if they would hear me over the loud Spanish music that muffled itself through the door, but before I even had time to finish the though, she stood in front of me.
"You're late." Julia said as she let me in, closing the door behind me and turning the music down.
"No, I'm not." I raised an eyebrow, crossing my arms to my chest. "You told me 6:30, it's 6:27."
"Well aren't you Little Miss Punctual." She said with a wink. "Haven't you ever heard of dramatic effect?"
Julia was dressed in a worn down tank top that made little attempt to cover her bra, which I noticed she was wearing two of, emphasizing her relatively flat chest, and a pair of shorts that she wore over tight bike shorts for either a fashion statement or just because she was strange. Raul, who sat at the counter with a steaming mug of tea, dressed similar to how I was, in a tee shirt and lounge pants, although his wardrobe appeared to be in rougher shape than mine. He didn't really look at me; just focusing on the spoon he stirred with and saying nothing.
"We're just taking measurements you said?" I asked.
"Yeah, it's no hurry, though. Our roommates are out and probably won't be back until late, you can sit down for a bit if you want." I obliged, taking a seat at the counter next to Raul. "You okay, sweetie?" His sister continued. "You look a bit on edge."
"I'm fine." I nodded, "Thank you for asking."
"You're so proper." She giggled.
I sat in silence for a moment, allowing my gaze to make its way around the dorm it seemed they redecorated themselves. Different colored and textured fabrics hung from walls and doorways and strings of beads hung from the ceiling, everything falling into some sort of autumn shade, forest greens, oranges and purples taking over the normally beige living quarters. Even the light fixture held a thin fabric that dimmed the room and gave a relaxing orange hue.
"Did you do all of this?" I asked.
"We all decorated, but the pieces are from my collection. I can show you around if you want, all my sewing stuff is in my bedroom anyway."
"You're gonna get in trouble for this, you know..."
"Nah, I'm the school abomination, they aren't using my room to tour anyone."
I walked with her as she approached the closed door and when she unlocked it I was greeted with even more rolls of fabric, along with measuring tapes, needle pillows, threads and even a sewing machine sprawled out on the floor.
"Can you take your shirt off so I can figure your chest circumference out?" She asked, causing a warmth to fill my face.
"You said just to wear loose clothing and no layers."
Although I wasn't self conscious about my overall figure, I had never been comfortable being shirtless. Even when at a beach or on a yacht I wore a rashie with my bathing suit.
"If you aren't comfortable with it, then I'm putting a bra over the top of your shirt."
"Excuse me?" I exclaimed, eyebrows raised and mouth now semi open in a mix of shock and horror.
"I already explained this at the first meeting, we're all going to be in traditional women's gowns."
"I thought you just meant you and Raul!"
"What did you think I was gonna dress you in, Livy? A white flag?"
"Very original." I rolled my eyes.
She smiled at me as though what she was asking was the smallest deal in the entire world, rummaging through a drawer of undergarments and waving me over.
"It's just a bra." She said. "It's really not a big deal, Raul does it all the time."
"Against my will!" I heard him call out from the other room, likely the loudest I had ever heard him speak since meeting him.
Julia ignored him, pulling out what looked like a slightly padded sports bra and handing it off to me with essentially zero reaction to the situation whatsoever.
"I can turn away if you want."
"I'm a boy," I reminded her, "My top half isn't a private area." She seemed to sense my discomfort either way, keeping her back turned while I took my shirt off. I didn't know why I was agreeing to this, my mouth felt dry and my hands felt clammy as I dressed. To be honest I wasn't sure I even knew how to get a bra on in the first place. Believe it or not, this was not the type of situation I regularly found myself in, cussing under my breath as I worked my arms into it and pulled it over my chest. The fabric and padding felt tight against my body, but not overly constricting. It was actually a lot more comfortable than I expected when I thought about the amount my sisters complained about something called an underwire, which this one didn't seem to have. "What are the strings for?" I asked, playing with the cross bound ties that hung from the center. "Decoration?"
She shook her head, approaching me before I could step away and pulling on the laces tightly, causing everything to contort into the middle and for me to suddenly have the allusion of a bust shape, even if it was just a small one. She tied a bow and instructed me to tuck any remaining string under the fabric, cautious of the amount she physically touched me and instead attempting to get me to do the more personal parts on my own.
"Okay, you are absolutely adorable." She said, my blush deepening slightly as I turned to face the mirror. I really did look like I had a growing chest, putting my hand on the fabric and giving the smallest of curiosity squeezes. It just felt like padding, similar to memory foam. "Let me know when you're done staring at yourself so that I can measure you."
I didn't give any form of witty comeback, instead turning my position so that I could look over my shoulder and at my back. The fabric gripping a perfect tightness to my skin made me sink suddenly into my breathing, almost as though my anxiety was being washed away. It reminded me of a deep hug, the kind where someone wraps their body around you.
"Sorry," I said, shaking my head out slightly and coming back to reality. "I zoned out a bit… you have to get my sizes, right?"
She took a loose tape measure, instructing me to hold my arms up in the air and taking the circumference of my chest along with my upper and lower waist and hips, which felt pointless as I had a relatively flat behind.
"Actually, can I get one more set of measurements on you?" She asked, "It's okay if you don't want to, but would you by any chance be willing to wear a corset? Not a tight one, I just want to see if I can get more of a shape on your waistline."
I was still staring at myself, tucking my hair behind my ears and switching my posture, arching my back a bit and putting my hands on my hips.
"I mean..." I mumbled with an audible uncertainty. "I don't know..."
"You don't have to. Wanna get yourself dressed again quick? I have some ideas I wanna run by you."
I didn't say anything, grabbing my shirt from where I had set it on the bed and pulling it over my head.
"Do you wanna keep that?"
"Keep what?"
"My bra that you're still wearing."
Freezing where I stood, I touched my hands to my chest again, brushing my fingers on the fabric.
"No!" I quickly replied, startling myself in the process. "I mean, of course not. What would I need a bra for?"
"You don't, but neither do I, and you haven't stopped staring at yourself since you put it on."
"That's ridiculous, I haven't been staring at myself."
She kept smiling at me, not in a mocking way, more in the way Yvette used to when I was little and she dressed me up and I made her watch me twirl.
"Ollie," Julia touched a hand to my shoulder calmly. Her voice went quiet, not like a whisper, but like she was making sure she spoke to me and only me. "It's okay… I won't tell anyone."
Bringing my gaze away, I gave a small nod, slipping my arms back into my shirt. I felt incredibly awkward being in Julia's room with her suddenly. Everything felt claustrophobic; I didn't want to be here anymore.
"Do you still need me for anything?" I asked. "I have homework I need to do and a few tests to study for; must get a start on everything."
"I mean, I was hoping to get your opinion on some designs I've been working on and find a color scheme that would work best for you. Would you at all be willing to wear your natural hair color?"
"This is my natural hair color."
"I mean without the highlights."
"No."
She nodded, not appearing disappointed in my sudden annoyance. Grabbing a large sketch pad from on top of her bed, she thumbed through several dog-eared sections, nibbling at her lips as she tried to find what it was she was looking for.
"Here," She said while handing the book over to me. "It's only some rough sketches in order to get ideas, but this is the color palate that I've been playing with. I'm looking mostly into lavender and ivory but a light brown or a mustard could work too."
Within a small moment, some of the panic I felt began to leave my body as I ran my thumb across the soft and thick paper of the sketch pad. It wasn't unlike something I myself would use, even if I still maintained a preference for painting my canvases. Her lines were thin and had been erased and redrawn several times, each design sectioned next to a pencil drawn square which was shaded in with different colors, including one that had the appearance of her trying to match my hair.
"Did you draw all of these?" I asked more gently than I had spoken before.
"Raul helped too. They aren't very detailed but I'm more interested in colors right now, I can start on the designing aspect later."
"Do you sew a lot of your own clothing?"
"Not as much as I would like to… fabric can get a bit expensive, especially if you want something higher quality, so I try and keep most of my work within performance art. I did make all of the costumes we had set up during orientation, though. I also made that bra."
I looked down at my chest, which I was still not accustomed to having a shape outside of flat, and brought my hands to the padding. It probably looked like I was playing with my own bosom, which I didn't actually have.
"I should give it back, then." I said quietly.
"I have another one, it's not a big deal."
"I mean, it's not like I have a use for wearing one. I'm sure I look completely ridiculous right now, and what would I say if someone noticed? I can't exactly write it off as a crop top and even if I could, I would then need to find an excuse for wearing a crop top."
"Don't overthink it, Liv."
It felt like her entire personality had shifted as soon as I walked into her room, her normal sarcastic nature being replaced with a soft spoken and sisterly tone.
"I'm wearing a woman's undergarment, how can I possibly not overthink that?
"Says who?"
"Pardon?"
"Who says it's a women's undergarment?"
"Uhh..." I stuttered in my confusion. "Everyone?"
"I didn't let society determine my sex at birth, why would I ever allow them to dictate anything else for me?"
Saying nothing, I thought back to the evening of our first club meeting and the complete lack of explanation that Julia gave me regarding the way she presented herself versus what was written on her birth certificate. I knew it wasn't an appropriate question, but unless she directly explained it to me, what was I supposed to do?
"Julia?" I mumbled. "Can I ask you something?"
"I suppose I don't have the power to outwardly forbid it now, do I?"
"I know it isn't any of my business, but do you have a..." I blushed while allowing the question to die out behind me. "I mean what do you have..."
"You're correct." She nodded. "It's not your business, but that doesn't mean I can't give you a better explanation." She sat down on the bed, setting her hands in her lap and, oddly enough, smiling at me. I apparently had not angered or offended her with my question. "I guess the best way to put it is that I never really developed. I look more male than female but honestly I don't completely resemble either."
"Is that a thing?"
"It's called being intersex, and it's actually not as rare as you might think, but I do still view myself as being trans."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning the sex I was assigned at birth does not collaborate with the gender I identify myself as. I mean, look at me Ollie, do I even remotely strike you as a boy physically or mentally?"
"I mean, if you have male organs..."
"Stop latching on to what society tells you, I don't have to be anything. I choose to present as female and it isn't the rest of the worlds business. Even when I tried coming out as gay it didn't ever feel right to me… I've never been under the impression that my interest in men is any different than that of a heterosexual women and internally I honestly have always viewed myself as such, even if I didn't fully understand why." She smiled at me, forcing me to break eye contact and look away. "Not that you have to be one or the other in order to be trans, as there are people who present as heterosexual males who transition into homosexual females and vise versa. I'm simply not one of them."
Not saying much in return, I stood near the doorway and fidgeted back and forth on my feet, nibbling at my nail beds until they started to sting. I had a few hangnails, I had to fix those before school tomorrow or I would start ripping them off with my teeth.
"I should go..." I mumbled.
Julia nodded slightly, standing back up and walking over to where I stood. She put both hands on my shoulders, looking me in my eyes and giving what almost looked like a sad smirk before pulling me into a hug.
"It's okay." She said.
Sighing deeply in order to relax, I pulled back from her after a moment and withdrew my eyes, turning around and going back into the main living area. Raul still remained at the counter, stirring the tea he hadn't seemed to touch yet. I struggled a bit to figure him out… he rarely seemed to speak unless it was through his sister and he always looked on edge, as though he constantly thought something was going to pop out at him.
"Adios." I said quietly, giving a small wave he didn't particularly acknowledge and leaving them be within the confines of their dorm. I had suddenly found myself wondering the specifics regarding their being twins. I couldn't really tell if they were identical or not… not the way I could with Enrique and Emanuele at least, who had somewhat different body types but the exact same face. Then again, Ronaldo also resembled the both of them quite a bit and I knew they were occasionally mistaken for triplets.
Walking back to my dorm, I felt the anxiety and discomfort within my body increase with every step, going through three cigarettes before even allowing myself in. I put the last one out now, flicking the butt into the garbage can once I was confident it had cooled enough and unlocking the door. The lights were all out except for the bit that came from the crack in Peter's bedroom door, signaling that he was likely still here. Enrique usually didn't come back until late on weekends, that is, if he came back at all, and I didn't know or care where Lars may have run off to. Either way, I walked into my room and closed the door behind me before locking it and undressing, eyeing my top half in the mirror once again.
Double checking that the door was locked and latched, I took a pair of socks from my dresser and unfolded them, pulling an embarrassing movie cliché and pushing them into Julia's bra that I still had on before side viewing myself and giving my chest a small squeeze. Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes at myself and my idiotic antics, taking everything back off and hiding the bra in the way back of my dresser drawer. I was acting ridiculous and I knew it.
Pulling on pajamas, I took a seat at my desk and opened my laptop, taking a quick moment to scroll online before going to bed. I had some projects I had to conduct research for and I hadn't even started yet. I had been having trouble concentrating, which was odd as studying was normally what I did when I found rapid thoughts interfering with my life, and now I couldn't even seem to get myself to begin a research assignment, simply staring at the search page and moving my mouse every time the screensaver started out due to my lack of activity.
Clicking down on the bar, I sat for another moment, taking time to think before I began typing:
How do you know if you're trans?
