Oliver
"Can I help you find anything?"
Startled, I pulled myself back from the clothing rack I had been skimming, blushing as I looked to the woman who had questioned me.
"No." I answered quietly. "I'm… I'm just looking around."
"Who are you shopping for?" She asked with a smile. "Sister? Girlfriend? I might be able to help you out if you can give me some information on what her tastes are."
"I don't know. I mean, I know what's in style and everything like that, I'm just… sort of new at this. I don't really know what I'm looking for. Do you have anything that's a bit more plain? I- I mean, she doesn't really wear anything like this. Just trying something new, you know?"
"You might want to avoid the dresses if that's the case. You're saying she's more of a tomboy?"
"I suppose..."
"Then maybe just start with a skirt or a cute pair of shorts that you can pair something with." She waved me to follow her, which I obliged while pretending my heart wasn't racing. I kept looking over my shoulder, concerned that I may run into someone from school who would begin questioning what it was that I was doing here. "We have a rack of shorts over here, the ones made of lace are actually really big sellers right now, very popular. Short overalls have also been coming back in style."
"What's the sizing difference in men and women's clothing?" I blurted out, hoping I didn't sound as suspicious as I thought I did.
"The men's tee shirt type, huh?" She smiled. "Is that the real reason you're here? Trying to get your stolen clothing back?" I didn't answer, I couldn't even look her in the eyes right now. "What size in men's?"
"Small."
"She's probably going to be a medium in women's, then."
After a few more brief questions she let me be, allowing me to skim the remainder of the store alone. I didn't know what I was doing or what I was looking for, repeatedly trying to talk myself into giving up and just going back to the apartments empty handed. I knew none of it would look anything less than completely ridiculous on me and wouldn't fit my stick-like figure whatsoever. None of it was really even my style, appearing too juvenile and reminding me of the clothing my sisters had always been told they couldn't wear. I wanted something that was proper, or at least a good brand.
Turning around with a small sigh, my eyes caught sight of a display rack I hadn't taken notice of before, a flowing, knee length dress catching my attention. I knew it was way too much… I had to start smaller if I didn't want to embarrass myself, let alone get caught. Still, I couldn't quite seem to take my eyes off of it, touching my hand to the pleated fabric that flow down and admiring how nice it felt when my skin brushed against it.
Absolutely not. I told myself, ashamed that the thought was even in my head. You are not getting a dress, it's way too much way too soon.
I truly couldn't help but admire it though, a vibrant autumn orange that clung to the torso and then began to flow into a skirt which blended into a soft brown color. The straps on the shoulders were very thin, which I wasn't used to. I had actually never worn anything containing a strap before.
Bringing my head down, I clutched tightly to the bag I carried and continued to walk around, hoping something else may catch my eye. I only had a blouse and a pair of shorts so far, which didn't look vastly different than the rest of my current wardrobe, if not a bit more feminine. Besides, I was only doing this because of a curiosity I couldn't seem to shake. It didn't even feel like something I wanted to do… but instead like something I had to do.
Just as I was debating putting everything back and going back empty handed, my phone went off. Jumping slightly at the vibration in my front pocket, I pulled it out to be met with Enrique's name taking up the screen along with a text message notification, which I opened.
It's a boy.
God help us all…
xxx
I walked at a brisk pace back to the dorms, carrying a shopping bag clenched under my arm and trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I couldn't help but wonder if I looked guilty… if they could read what I was thinking on my face or if I drew any suspicion to myself. Maybe someone had seen me at the boutique, or found a way to get into my internet history. As ridiculous as I knew that I was being, the idea of being caught absolutely terrified me.
Opening the door to my shared dorm, I mumbled a quick hello without even bothering to look at who it was I was speaking to before quickly locking myself in my bedroom, setting the bag down and taking a moment to catch my breath. It isn't a big deal, I told myself. It's just harmless experimenting, lots of people do it. Now as I stared at myself in the mirror, I once again began questioning everything that I had ever known about myself, stripping down to my underwear and going over every inch of my body. I didn't have the curved figure that my sisters did, but I didn't exactly have a typical male body either. I was a late bloomer, lacking much in the way of body hair (although I did shave) and still regularly finding my voice breaking at inconvenient times.
Brushing my fingers through my hair, I stood silently for just one more moment, looking myself up and down before walking over to my dresser and finding the push up bra that Julia had given me. Although I never wore it outside the confines of my locked room, I could safely say that I was getting more accustomed to putting it on, finding that television and teen movies were right and that tissue paper really was the only thing you could add without it looking unrealistic. I normally hadn't been adding anything, actually, but I wasn't sure how well my experiment would work with an AA cup, which was what I currently was I think? I was flat as a pancake I suppose you would say.
Swallowing what felt like just dryness in the back of my throat, I opened the bag that I had set on my bed, pulling out the flowing sundress that I hadn't successfully talked myself out of buying, the vibrant orange color lighting up the room and going just past my knees and thin straps largely exposing my collarbone. I still felt uncertain about my most recent decisions, believing in the back of my mind that this was a completely ridiculous idea and that all I was going to do is make myself look silly.
Still, Enrique's text hung in the back of my mind…
Boy
Was it, though…?
Did what was between my legs define who I was supposed to be?
Stepping into the gown, I pulled it up my body and managed to get my arms through the straps, finding it to be a bit more difficult than I anticipated and wondering if I was supposed to pull it over my head instead. I really didn't know how to put a dress on… even when I was little Yvette had always helped to dress me. I could ask Julia, but could I really trust her? She had said when she gave me the bra that she wouldn't tell anyone.
Allowing it to fall down my body, I looked at myself in the mirror, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. I wasn't sure what to think in regards to what I saw, attempting to pose once or twice but focusing more on what the silk-like fabric felt draped over my legs and how breezy it was. It was a different feeling than just not having pants on, but I couldn't quite explain why.
Giving a rather embarrassing twirl, I sat down on my freshly made bed, leaning back until my head rested on the mattress and closing my eyes. I wasn't sure exactly what it was that I was feeling… maybe it was no more than dopamine, but it caused my body to tingle and for a small grin to form on my face as I sighed deeply, content for what felt like the first time in years. It wasn't until my phone went off once more that I was brought back to reality, opening Julia's message.
Where are you?
Immediately I shot back up. Shit, I had completely forgotten that we were supposed to meet! Quickly responding that I was running late, I undressed and changed into an olive green button up and orange-brown corduroy shorts that I had attached a pair of suspenders to, pulling my socks up my legs and slipping my penny loafers back on and running out the door, grabbing my messenger hat from the rack while attempting to text her that I was on may way.
Closing the front door, I ran down the walkway, making it no more than a few meters before tripping over nothing but the toe of my shoe, catching myself on my palms and one knee.
"God dammit!" I spat out, kneeling in pain for a moment and clenching my fists. On shaking legs I pulled myself back up, a small line of blood trickling down my knee.
"Are you okay?"
Startled, I locked eyes with Raul, who stood only a meter away. How had I not noticed him?
"Yeah." I mumbled. "I just tripped."
"You're bleeding."
He approached me awkwardly, taking my arm and pulling it over his neck and shoulder in an attempt to prop me up. I blushed as his hand touched my side, hanging onto me so that I could hop over to the unoccupied bench. Taking his backpack off, he unzipped the front pocket and pulled out a small first aid kit.
"I'm fine, really. It doesn't hurt, just stings a little." Still, I took the kit he handed me and proceeded to clean myself up, more upset by the ugly scab I would have by tomorrow than by the actual pain of my injury.
"I mean… I can help, you know…?"
He was hard to understand when he spoke; although his accent wasn't particularly thick, he spoke extremely quietly, rarely saying much that came out above a whisper unless his sister was at his side.
"Did Julia send you to get me?" I asked.
"Uh… yeah."
I smiled at him while finishing bandaging myself, throwing the spare papers and bloodstained moist towelettes in the garbage that sat next to me before getting back to my feet.
"She's a spitfire, that's for sure. Any chance she's naturally a redhead under her lightening job? It would explain a few things."
"We're identical…"
"Hang on, I thought you were fraternal?"
"Um… no."
"So are you trans too, then…?"
"Of course not."
I still didn't quite understand any of what Julia told me… she had mentioned that her birth certificate identified her as biologically male, but based on everything she told me it didn't seem like she was biologically male or female and identified as trans instead.
"But you're like… identical everywhere, right…?"
"My sister would probably slap you for asking me that…"
"I know..." My blush darkened, "It's not any of my business, I just thought-"
"Being intersex doesn't automatically make someone trans…"
He was still whispering, looking only at his fidgeting feet. He seemed more used to Julia speaking for him, unsure what to say and do when he was on his own.
"I mean, I read online that there are factors you're supposed to fit into in order to identify that way."
"You don't have to check out boxes in order to fit into an identity." He mumbled.
Our conversation was awkward and I wasn't sure how to continue it, instead just watching him as he avoided eye contact. To be completely honest, it was likely the most I'd ever heard him speak since meeting, even though his sentences remained short and to the point. I had never met anyone so shy before. Extending a hand, he took it, allowing me to help pull him off the bench. He felt clammy to the touch, something that tended to bother me about myself but that I currently found oddly adorable. Although I knew better, there was a part of me that wondered if he would let me hold his hand while we walked.
"I guess your sister is probably waiting for us." I said, letting him go and beginning to walk. I had never really spent time alone with someone I liked before, unsure of how close I should allow myself to get to him or how much room I should leave between us. Instead of attempting to guess I made a choice to simply quicken my pace, making sure he was the one who would have to catch up to me while we made the short walk to the dorm room he shared with his twin.
I just wished I knew what I was doing…
Xxx
Julia hummed to herself while brushing my hair, attempting to pull it into a high ponytail before accepting that it wasn't yet long enough. Instead she began putting up only half of it before plugging in a curling iron, running some sort of heat protector through the exposed locks.
"That's too bad..." She said, a hairpin clenched in between her lips and causing her to sound as though she spoke with her mouth full. "You'd look really cute with a bun. Can I pierce your ears?"
"Absolutely not."
"I've done it before."
"No."
Rolling her eyes, she dropped the subject and began curling the section of hair that remained draped just past my shoulders, which was gradually getting closer to my collarbone the longer we remained at school. Her own hair came down well passed her butt, causing me to wonder if it was real or if she wore extensions. If it came from her own head she likely had to have been growing it most of her life.
"What sort of experience do you have with make up?"
"Only a little. My sister is really good at it, though."
"Do you know enough to have a basic understanding of what to do? You're already an artist, so I wouldn't be surprised if you caught on quickly."
"I don't own any if that's what you're asking." I lied, clothing was not all I had bought.
"I can loan you some."
She let the rest of my hair down in order to finish curling it, taking a wide cylinder brush and bringing everything together. Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but cringe.
"I look like Princess Diana..."
"Just don't get into a limo tonight."
"That's not funny."
"It's a little funny." She played with my bangs briefly before stepping back to admire her work, smirking at me with a sense of pride. "Could you be any cuter? Do you wanna see how the dresses are coming along?"
I nodded awkwardly, not wanting her to see any excitement on my face. Wearing a full on ballgown still seemed like a lot to me, especially when I was still in the early stages of experimenting with women's clothing. Still, I followed into her bedroom, the floor of which now had hardly any space to move without stepping on something.
"What is all this stuff?" I asked.
"Hey, sewing a gown takes a lot of fabric." She pulled something from her closet, a burgundy colored corset-like piece filled to the brim in gems and containing a sweetheart neckline. "I'm not done with the skirt yet, but would you want to try the top part on? I'm worried I may have made it too tight, I also want to add flowing sleeves using the mesh that I have laid out on the floor."
"You mean right now?"
"You're already wearing a bra, so why not?"
I touched my hands to my chest, suddenly realizing that I never took off the bra from when I tried the dress on, it was also currently still stuffed with tissue paper.
"I… um..." I didn't have any excuse for it, I was caught. "I just wanted to-"
"It's okay, Ollie."
"No but… I mean, I figured that maybe you would want me to."
"I could loan you more if you want."
"More what?"
"Clothes. Cotton panties work best to keep everything in place but you'll need to wear more than one pair. I usually have three on, bicycle shorts or gymnast pants can hold everything down too."
"What are you talking about?"
She didn't say anything, just sitting down on the bed with crossed legs and watching me attempt not to panic. I was wearing a bra, sure, but I wasn't wearing women's underwear. Unsure what else to do, I left the room, going back into the living quarters and out the door, closing it loudly behind me and making the lonely walk back to my dorm. I didn't want to talk to Julia anymore right now… I just wanted to go to bed.
Although I could hear the laughter of those around me who had small parties in there rooms, something that I had never really taken part in, I chose to ignore it and walk by myself. I didn't know any of those people anyway. To be honest I had never taken the time to notice how few friends I had until Johnny and Robert had left, leaving Enrique and me alone to fend for ourselves. It would only be me next year, assuming Enrique would be able to pull off the grades to graduate while taking care of a baby, and in all honesty he could hardly manage his grades now.
I pulled a cigarette out and lit it, using the remainder of my walk as an excuse. By the time I had finished smoking it I was back to the dorms, putting it out in the ashtray for a moment before unlocking the door and walking inside, most of the lights currently dark or dimmed.
"Hello?" I called out. Enrique had told me he would be back tonight and realistically his flight wouldn't take very long. "Is anyone here?"
"In my room." His voice called out.
Taking a moment to stop at the bathroom and unstuff my bra, I knocked lightly on the wood of the doorway, stepping slightly into the dark.
"Are you doing okay?" I asked. He didn't seem like himself, locked alone in his dark bedroom at the desk chair instead of out partying. All that sat in front of him was a bottle of partly drunk vodka and an empty cup. "It reeks of pot in here."
"Jokes on you, I didn't smoke very much."
"Are you drunk?"
"Nah, I was drunk twenty minutes ago, I'm shit faced." He set his head down on the desk, likely a bit harder than he intended to. "Ow..."
It was becoming obvious what was happening. His nerves were starting to get the better of him now that Bianca was farther along in her pregnancy. Enrique had never been one to handle stress well, even when we were kids he had always been a crier when not getting his way and threw tantrums a bit past the age most would have viewed as acceptable.
"It's gonna be okay." I said, approaching him with caution before touching a hand to his back. "I know you're scared-"
"What the fuck is wrong with everyone!?" He blurted, causing me to jump back slightly as his fist slammed the top of the desk. "Why is no one else freaking the fuck out!? I'm sick of having to pretend that all of this shit is normal! Everyone keeps telling me that this is a consequence of my own actions and that it's my fault but what did I do that no one else has?"
"You didn't do anything..." I said, unable to take my eyes off of him. He truly looked helpless, stuck in a situation that he couldn't get himself out of. "I mean, not anything different than most people… You can't change it, though."
"I begged her not to go through with it… She knows I would have paid for it."
"It's her body… she's just doing what she thinks is right."
"What about me, Oliver? What about my life? My life is fucking over."
Helping him out of the chair, I walk him carefully over to his bed, helping him sit without losing his balance and plopping myself next to him, hand still not leaving his shoulder. He was more than just panicking, he was absolutely terrified. Enrique could be a jerk, sure, but the things he said were out of character. He loved Bianca, he wanted what was best for her.
"Your life isn't over."
"Yes it is."
"You're having a son, doesn't that excite you just a little bit? Bianca is growing a teeny tiny you."
"It didn't feel like a baby before… I mean, I knew it was… I knew she was pregnant, but-" He clutched tightly to his bangs. "I mean, she didn't look any different. I thought it would take forever for her to actually have it but now… I have what, three months? How am I supposed to be ready for this in three months?"
"You aren't, and you won't be. No one is ever ready for something like this, but that doesn't stop it from happening."
Wrapping my arms around him, I pulled his head into my shoulder, letting him sit there motionless. He didn't cry, but emotionally I'm not sure if I had ever seen him so numb. He was struggling to keep himself upright as the dizziness of being drunk continued wearing on him, slurring his words as he made an attempt to mumble something incoherent. I think he may have been attempting to speak three languages at once, something that wasn't uncommon for him in this state.
"I don't want to deal with this anymore." He eventually managed to get out.
"You should go to sleep." Was all I said, running a hand through his hair as he continued supporting himself on my shoulder. "We can talk in the morning."
xxx
Enrique didn't say anything to me when I got up the next morning, keeping himself mostly confined to his bedroom unless he was going out to buy alcohol. His eyes were dark and puffy, making it clear that sleep had not been his friend the night before. I wanted to ask him if he was okay, but I knew the answer… The closer the due date came the worse he was going to be.
Looking down at my phone, I took a moment to skim Julia's message, suggesting that I come and talk to her later. Secretly, I wondered if ignoring her would cause her to send Raul after me once again, a warmth filling my chest as I thought about sitting on the bench with him the other night, finally able to take in some of who he was without his twin. Although he was quiet, he seemed willing to stand up for himself when it was necessary, even when he hardly spoke loud enough to be heard. Really I think it was his shyness that drew me to him, I had never had a real crush on someone before and it was something I struggled to process, only really knowing that I found myself focused on thoughts of him quite regularly. Nothing vulgar, I had never really been the type, but locked in thought about whether or not I wanted to experience my first kiss.
Although it was true that I had spent my youth confused about my interest in the same sex, I had never quite allowed it to take over my brain in that way, causing me to remain uncertain who I imagined myself kissing someday. Before now I don't think I had ever thought about it. Men kissed women and to be completely honest I don't think I had ever actually seen a man kiss another man before.
Thinking back to some of the movies I had watched throughout my life, I wondered what it would be like. How Rose felt when she kissed Jack on the Titanic after he called her a spoiled little brat but before she asked him to draw her like one of his french girls while a flute played in the background and Celine Dion sang harmony. Would my stomach flutter? Would I decide right then and there that I had found the love of my life?
Either way, I made the decision to text her back, saying that I would come over for a bit if she needed help with the costumes before making my way back to Enrique's room, where he was finally up and moving and not sitting alone in the dark with a bottle of wine.
"Hey." I said quietly, leaning into the doorway. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, getting ready for a party."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"There's a rumor going around that the exchanged student in my English class got drunk playing Truth or Dare and admitted she wanted to give me head, I think it's a great idea."
I rolled my eyes, glad that his breakdown was over with but a bit disappointed in the direction he had chosen to go.
"You have a girlfriend, remember?"
"Speaking of which, I want the details of your fun night." He smirked at me, giving a wink and a suggestive gesture. I wasn't sure what he was going on about, though… I had only even left the dorm for less than an hour.
Had he seen me sitting with Raul?
The thought made me blush.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You left you're door open." He laughed, "Did she wear your clothes home or something? I've held onto panties a few times in my life but I'm not sure I've ever had a girl leave a full on dress behind."
Suddenly able to connect what he was saying, the heat that already filled my face doubled, causing beads of sweat to form on my forehead. I had been caught off guard by Julia asking where I was and had quickly changed and run out the door, meaning that I had left the sundress I had tried on in a heap on the floor, something I knew because I had found and hung it up just this morning.
"I..."
"Took you long enough to get laid, you had me worried that Robert was gonna get some before you did."
"I was helping Julia with something, that's all! It wasn't like that!"
His face fell.
"You guys didn't like… do it, did you? I mean before I was hoping you went all the way but not with… Julia."
"What about her?"
"Dude, there have been a lot of rumors going around about those two, do you live under a rock?"
"What kind of rumors?"
"Oliver… people are saying that she's… a dude..." I froze where I stood, unsure how I was even supposed to respond to the things that he said. "Or that she has like, both parts. I've heard some weird fucking shit lately. Haven't you ever wondered why she uses the male dorms?"
"Raul has anxiety, she helps him."
"You know the other two guys in their dorm are gay, right? I think they thought rooming them together would keep them out of everyone's hair but I can't even imagine what it's like at night over there, Hans in my Maths class said that they've asked other guys to join in on orgies with them before."
"Hans is an idiot."
He paused momentarily, giving a small shrug of the shoulders.
"That's true. You should maybe keep your distance from those guys, though. People are gonna start talking."
"I get called a poof just about daily, Enrique, I don't care what people say about me."
The more I stood up for my friends the longer he seemed to stall his words, taking significant time to think before saying anything else to me as the gears turned. Enrique was a bit dumb and didn't always think about how things he said would make others feel, but overall he wasn't homophobic and even when he was offensive, it was safe to say he meant well overall.
"Look," He started up again. "I just think… I mean, I don't want people to start shit talking you too, you know?"
"Let them talk, I don't care."
The way he looked at me changed when I spoke, not as though the realization had come over him, but more as though he suddenly saw me the same way the rest of my classmates did. He had asked me before; I had denied it. The topic never came up again.
"Ollie, you're like… not, right?"
"Not what?"
I could make out how agitated I now sounded, clutching at the sleeves of my shirt.
"Are you… gay?"
Not dignifying him with a response, I turned away, walking through the living quarters and out the front door and closing it behind me with a slam. The second time I had resorted to the childish antic.
For years I had believed I was.
So how come it kept gradually feeling like it wasn't the right word?
Xxx
I knocked gently on the door to Julia and Raul's dorm, discomfort weighing down my stomach as I waited for the response that came just a bit too quickly for my taste.
"Hey." She said quietly, greeting me with a small smirk and letting me inside. "Sorry about the mess, my roommates had some friends over earlier and-" She eyed the two boys who sat watching television on the couch. "They have promised to clean up before morning."
Overall it wasn't much more untidy than what I was used to seeing from her, just containing some empty beer cans littering the sink while the dirty dishes sat untouched on the counter.
"It's fine."
"How about you come to my room? Then we can have more privacy."
I nodded, disappointed at not seeing her brother anywhere but noticing the closed bedroom door I could only assume he resided in. Either way, I followed her, fidgeting with my hands in order to stop myself from biting my nails. I had already had a cigarette on the walk over, but damn did I crave one or two more right now.
"I apologize for running off yesterday." I said as she shut the door of her bedroom and sat with legs crossed on the floor. "It was rude."
"You have nothing to apologize for, sweetie. I overstepped."
"I just have a lot on my mind right now."
"I know. Sometimes I forget what it used to feel like, I need to slow down and let you breath."
"What do you mean?"
"You're questioning yourself, right?"
I froze, refusing to look at her for a moment before giving the smallest of nods. It didn't feel right to talk about yet, a presence following me at all times that I couldn't seem to get rid of no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't stop thinking about it but the more I did, the more sense it made. I didn't want it to make sense.
"I just want to be normal." I mumbled sadly.
Scooting herself closer to where I sat, Julia pulled me into a tight hug, causing a sudden rush of emotions to surge through my body and come out my eyes in the form of tears. I was crying… I very rarely cried.
"Coming out to yourself is hard when you've spent your entire life trying to keep her locked away in the back corners of your mind."
"It's happening too fast."
"Maybe having us all in traditional gowns is a bit too much for you. We can always think of something else to do for our-"
"No." I interrupted, my voice catching in the back of my throat. "As long as my face is covered, I want to do it."
Thinking back to my childhood days with my sister caused a warmth to fill me, a pleasant sensation that I didn't want to go away. I had always mistaken it for a fondness for nostalgia.
"You're sure you're comfortable?"
"Not at all… I just… I don't want to talk about it anymore. Can we just talk like friends for a little bit? Please?"
Julia released me from her hold with a smile, running her fingers through my hair and smushing my cheeks together.
"Do you want me to do your hair again?" She asked.
The smallest of smiles made its way to my face as I wiped my tears away.
"Yeah."
xxx
I didn't end up staying over for very long, finding myself back in the confined quarters of my bedroom before Enrique got home. It was honestly a pity, I could use someone to keep me company right now, someone who didn't know about the secrets I hiding from myself. I had expected it to take months, even years to have a definitive answer to what it was that I questioned, but it felt like everything began suddenly making sense the moment I had learned there was a word for it.
Transgender. The words I had read online played over and over again in my head. A person who's gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.
My entire early childhood I had been confused over what it was that made me a boy and my sisters girls. I didn't like the things that everyone told me boys were supposed to like and it eventually became a fun family story when I was older that my mother used to tell people. How I had thrown significant temper tantrums over what I wanted to be called or seen as, how I had insisted up until beginning primary school that I wasn't the person who they thought I was. There's even an old home video of me at about four where I was badly attempting to stop crying while mother recorded me, trying to disguise her laughter as she asked me why I was upset and I responded that everyone thought I was a boy.
I had insisted that I wasn't…
Double checking that my door was locked, I pulled open the drawer of my dresser that I had begun hiding things in, taking out a somewhat smaller black bag and taking it over to my desk. I had moved my mirror over, keeping it propped up on the wall instead of hanging where it was intended to. Now as I fiddled with the bag, I could do nothing outside of stare at myself, combing my bangs back with my hands to expose my forehead and pulling out a small glass canister and a make up brush, trying to remember what my sister used to do. The powder was soft and felt nice as I brushed a finger through it, taking a moment to play with the texture before dipping the large black bristled brush into it and tapping it in a quick and repetitive motion, the same way Yvette had.
Foundation? Check.
Blush? Check.
Bronzer? Well, that one I steered away from at the moment, unsure how it was meant to be applied. I wasn't even completely sure what it was.
Draping a soft coat of plum colored eye shadow over my lids, I took a moment to admire myself in the mirror, not currently having the courage to try my luck at liner or mascara over fear of poking myself in the eye and needing to come up with some sort of explanation. All I had left was a shiny black cylinder of intimidatingly dark lip color, which I was about to try my luck with when my phone once again distracted me with a loud ping, causing me to practically jump out of my seat before grabbing hold of it.
Hey, I was gonna have you look over some of my designs in order to get the skirt of your gown finished up. I hope you don't mind me sending Raul to drop it off.
My cheeks went redder than the lipstick I hadn't yet applied as I looked at myself in the mirror. It wasn't a lot of make up, but I was still currently wearing make up while my current crush came over to drop something off for me. Suddenly I began thinking I looked ridiculous, debating if it would be better to try and get it off before he was able to get here, but what if he liked what he saw? What if he thought I looked pretty?
I quickly grabbed a hoodie from my closet, which my parents would have heart attacks if they knew I was going to wear in front of another person, and pulled it up over my hair, desperately hoping that I was hiding myself enough where you couldn't immediately tell who I was or what I was wearing, cussing to myself as the sound of a knock came from the main door of the dorm.
"One moment!" I called out, giving myself a last once over before exiting my room. Enrique and Lars were MIA at the moment, likely caught up in some sort of party and Peter was locked in his room and likely asleep.
It was honestly such an odd and new sensation for me. I'd somewhat had crushes on people before and in all honesty, Raul and I hardly had what most people would call any sort of relationship. We had a class together which I had never heard him utter a single peep in and he was truly little more than my friends twin brother, if you could even really call Julia my friend, and yet for some reason I continued thinking back to the other day when we walked together to their dorm. He was shy, yes but he was willing to speak if he was spoken to, even if he could be hard to hear. Realistically speaking, he was nothing like anyone I had ever met before.
Finger combing my bangs back down at the last minute in order to be able to partially hide my eyes, I opened the door.
"Good evening." I said awkwardly, keeping my sleeves pulled over my hands and squeezing them. "Julia texted me that you were stopping by."
"Uh… yeah." He mumbled, eyes focused on the ground as he handed me the portfolio.
"Do you wanna come in?"
"No… Uh… thank you."
Turning around, he began the process of walking back, only stopping when I spoke his name.
"Actually, I wanted to thank you for the other day, for helping me I mean. I also wanted to apologize… I'm still kind of new to this sort of information and I hope I didn't offend you by asking if you were trans."
"You didn't."
"Can I walk back with you?"
A pregnant pause filled the air before Raul gave the slightest of nods, stepping to the side so that I could come out and not sure what else to do, I simply smiled at him before taking the first step toward where he was staying, unable to take my eyes off him as we slowly made our way down the walk, only lit by the dim lighting of the moon and a few windows of those who were still awake.
I eyed the bench we had taken a moment to sit at, hoping that he would ask if I wanted to just talk for a little bit, the way we had then. He had said very little overall, but it was nice finally starting to hear his voice allow itself to come out. I liked hearing him talk.
"Raul?" I spoke, causing him to slow his pace down and attempt to look at me. "Is it okay if I ask you something?"
"Yeah."
"How did you know you were gay and not trans?"
He shrugged.
"Just did..."
"Have you always known you liked men?"
"Yeah."
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
He began to blush, turning his head away and staring off into the distance.
"No."
I wasn't surprised based on how intense his social anxiety seemed to be, yet I felt for him. He was more open about who he was than myself and still he hadn't yet had the experience of loving someone and being loved in return. Now as I took in his words I felt a dreadful pounding make its way to my chest, followed by a light fluttering sensation. I knew what I wanted to do and I very rarely chickened out on anything, always able to push myself when I needed to. Right now, though… I don't think I had ever been so afraid. In a swift move, I unclutched my sleeve, bringing my bare hand to where his was and brushing a finger against his skin.
When he didn't pull away, I took hold.
Raul allowed the interaction, still refusing any form of eye contact as we made the last few steps up to the dorm. Neither of us spoke as I released his palm, moving so that we stood face to face at the doorway. Maybe it was the hormones of puberty, maybe it was just him, I wasn't sure, but I wanted to kiss him. Now with nothing in the way to stop me, I slipped an arm under his own, closing in the space that was between our chests by touching our bodies together.
It was a beautiful night… the moon was full and for what may have been the first time in my life, I actually had truly loved the version of myself I had seen in the mirror, only wishing that I could have had more time to dress up.
Not for me, but for him.
Tilting my head, I closed my eyes before leaning my face into his, kissing him fully on the mouth. His lips were a bit chapped, but I didn't mind, focusing only on the sensation of ecstasy releasing itself within my body as I experienced my first ever kiss. He remained painfully still throughout the entire duration, not exactly kissing me back but not pulling away either, causing me some confusion on if I should stop or continue for a bit longer. I wasn't trying to stick my tongue in his mouth or anything vulgar, but I still wasn't sure how long a kiss was supposed to last.
Relatively quickly, I made the decision to pull back, taking my shaking hands off of him and keeping my face hidden as much as I could while he stood in front of me without speaking, but instead biting his lip and keeping his eyes looking at anything other than myself as his blush darkened.
He hadn't liked it.
"I'm sorry." I said, bowing my head in what you could only call shame. "That was completely inappropriate of me."
Remaining silent, he took a step back, opening the door we stood in front of and shakily closing it in my face.
Shit…
xxx
A cloud of humiliation followed me home and into my dorm. I had never feared going after the things that I wanted; I was more than capable of manipulating those around me in order to get my way. I stood up for myself and what I believed in and I had never been badly affected by what others did to me, be it making fun of how I looked or dressed or the simplicity of primary school playground taunts back when I was young. It never bothered me, and unlike others I knew, I absolutely meant that. Something about this situation felt different, though. Nothing that you would consider bad happened exactly, outside of me making a complete fool out of myself, but I was now dealing with the fact that I had my feelings hurt… it was childish…
Walking down the dimly lit hallway, I took notice of the bathroom light shining through the closed door and took a moment to pause and listen to what I already assumed was happening.
"Enrique?" I tried to call quietly, pressing my ear to the door. "Are you okay?"
He was vomiting rather aggressively, something that wasn't exactly the most unusual for him on a weekend night, especially when he was in his current mental state. He was trying to numb the extreme anxiety that he was experiencing the more he was forced to acknowledge that he had gotten a girl pregnant at seventeen.
Not responding with any words, he instead let out a groan before flushing the toilet and turning on the shower head. He would brush his teeth, rinse himself off and then crawl into bed where he would likely piss himself at some point in the night. I knew his routine well.
Rolling my eyes, I went into my room, turning the light on just as an abnormally loud thump caused me to jump halfway out of my skin and run back over to the bathroom. It sounded like he had fallen, and I couldn't hear any noises that implemented he was in the process of getting back up.
"Enrique?" I pounded on the door this time, still using some caution to not wake Peter and Lars. "Enrique, can you hear me? Are you okay?"
Running back over to the kitchen, I grabbed an emergency key from a cabinet, quickly unlocking the door only to feast my eyes on what I was unsure was supposed to be the scariest thing I've ever seen, or the most pathetic. He had passed out before even making it into the shower, toothbrush still sitting unrinsed in the sink and pants around the ankles. How he had managed to get his shirt off was a mystery, but hey… his boxers were still on and I had to take what I could get in the luck department.
Turning of the shower water, I made a sad attempt at getting my arm under him, trying to hoist him at least onto his behind. Thankfully he began stirring rather quickly, mumbling incoherently but allowing me to get him onto his feet.
"Let's get you to bed." I sighed, using my own body to stabilize him and we moved toward his room. I wasn't even able to get the light on, instead just setting him down on his mattress and grabbing a bottle of water from the bedside table, giving it a sniff test to ensure it was, in fact, just water before offering it to him.
"You'll be okay." I said, brushing a curl out of his face as I sat on the bed next to him. "You're probably gonna have an awful hangover, though..."
"You're so worth it, babe." He slurred, causing me to raise an eyebrow at him.
"We should be getting to bed."
As I coaxed him into laying down, he took hold of my arms, pulling me into him as he wrapped himself around me in a tight embrace and causing me to fall onto his chest.
"Yeah, we should."
Just as I was attempting to wrap my head around what in the absolute hell was happening, he took hold of my head, grabbing me tightly by the hair and shoving his face into mine where he wrapped his open mouth roughly around my lips, shoving his tongue that I was incredibly thankful tasted of toothpaste and not vodka and stomach acid into my mouth with full force.
I froze.
I absolutely froze as my brain tried to make any sense of what in the world was currently happening. It felt like he was trying to bite my face off as he aggressively continued exploring the inside of my mouth while drooling on himself, and without any idea of what I was about to to I felt the palm of my hand slam into the side of his face, slapping him with every bit of strength I could muster before running out of his room and into my own, closing and locking the door behind me.
I could do nothing but stand in a state of shock, back pressed against the door as heat filled in my cheeks and I tried as best I could to catch my breath.
He had kissed me… if you would even call whatever that was a kiss.
Taking a shaking step forward, I turned my head toward the mirror as though seeing my reflection would offer any explanation about what had just happened. I still had my hoodie pulled over my head, the length of my hair causing it to poke through the sides and fall messily to my collarbone while my bangs clung to my forehead in an untamed state. I was wearing smudged make up on my face and eyes, making small streaks from when I had attempted not to cry of embarrassment when Raul had run from me, the same way I was running now.
Enrique had never seen me dressed down before… not since we were children at least. He had obviously never seen me in make up and most of my head was covered and hidden, leaving a ratted mess in place of my normally coordinated look, not to mention he was completely drunk.
He hadn't realized who I was.
The realization clicked the longer I took in my appearance.
He had thought I was a girl.
He had thought I was a girl… and kissed me.
