46. "Auxiliary Document 17"

The following document holds the distinction of being the first document personally discovered and sourced by our writing team. Over a year ago, early in the writing in this blog, your author was accompanied by Robin Hood, Johnny Little, and company to Sherwood Forest Nature Preserve and the site of the Major Oak and the former base camp of the Merry Men. Upon exploring what remained of the site, one found many nearby trees hollowed out and filled with belongings of the gang; some misplaced items of value, others forgotten trash. The following document was one such item, found completely by accident by itself in a tree that was otherwise barren about one hundred feet from the Major Oak.

The writer of this document was very hesitant to let others see it, let alone have it be published on a public platform such as this, but after many months of ruminating about it, he decided that he would consent to have it be published here when the moment was right. By the time of this writing, he has shown the document to its once-intended recipients as well as several others in his life; he tells me that doing so has given him much closure about that chapter of his life. The surviving recipients have been consulted and they confirm that they had absolutely no knowledge of this document before its discovery nearly two years ago.

Predating the main events of our narrative by nearly half a decade, the document was handwritten in a wide-ruled notebook. Of note is that in several places the script is hard to read, the ink smudged as if stained by tiny drops of moisture.

To my dear friends,

If you are reading this and I am still in your presence, then I have wonderful news: this means I have not decided to go through with what I am currently contemplating, and I implore you to disregard everything I've written beyond this point. However, if I am nowhere to be found, then you have every right and reason to worry, for that will likely mean that I am not anywhere anymore. Truly, as I write this, I have not yet made up my mind on whether I'll proceed with this deed I've been dwelling on, but I wanted to write down all my thoughts from this moment anyway before they vanish from my mind. Because I've been thinking a lot recently that if the world refuses to deliver to me the karma I deserve, then it is my obligation to deliver it unto myself. Therefore I must confess that in this moment, while I have not yet decided for certain to end my life, I do find myself leaning in favor of it.

I will not tease you - my reasoning is simple: I am not the hero these people think I am. I do not deserve their admiration, and they surely would not laud me so if they knew who I really was. My brother did not die by his own hands - it was my own clumsy, foolish, stupid, careless, senseless, arrogant, narcissistic hand that weilded the sword that pierced his body and stole his life from him. Surely I had no intention to do such harm to my own brother, but after such a mistake, I would never expect to be judged by my intentions, nor to be forgiven on the grounds that such an act was merely a tragic accident. The fact that I could find the courage to confess this to all of you in life is only further proof that I am a coward beyond mercy.

I truly thought I was doing him a favor. I truly thought I was helping him become a man. I truly thought I was the role model he needed because I truly thought I could morally do no wrong. But I was reminded of my own fallibility by making the greatest mistake of my life, and reminded of my own mortality by making William experience his. My brother paid the price for my disgusting hubris - it is only fair that I pay him back.

I understand that what I am debating will hurt each one of you, but just as I felt it was my moral duty to devote my life to helping the poor of this city, I feel the same sense of moral duty calling me to atone for the damage done. My brother was often jealous of me for the praise I specifically received from the people of Nottingham, and I now have no choice but to agree that it would not be fair for them to continue to put me upon such a pedestal after I have committed such a heinous crime.

My friends, you have made the last two years the greatest of my entire life. It has been an honor to fight alongside you in our battle against injustice - I would never have been able to do it without you, and I can never thank you enough. Will was right - I did not deserve to be singled out as the head of our merry band of misfits. Each of you played an integral part of our group, often contributing more than I myself - after all, what is leadership but the position for the man whose only skill is telling others how to use their own skills? I hope without my stealing the spotlight that you all get your due recognition for the invaluable help you have given to this city.

To Tuck - I could never help but admire your strength of character. Here I was believing myself to be the moral center of our family, but you held us to a higher ethical standard than I would have ever even thought to. If it turns out you are right and the God of Abraham is waiting to judge me, I will be sure to demand He recognize your holiness before He sends me to where I surely belong.

To Alan - I was always jealous of your journeys across this land and the wisdom that you gained from it - perhaps there is still time for me to see the world myself, but if you are reading this, perhaps that means I should never have gotten so lucky. I urge you, never stop sharing your wisdom, and never stop writing songs which bring people joy money could never buy.

And to Little John - Johnny, you are my brother and I love you. I only hope I was a better brother to you than I was to Will. I know you envy much about my life, but while I was obscenely fortunate in love, I have never had any such luck in friendship nor fraternity. In you I have finally found both the friend I've always wanted, and the brother that Will's father never let me have. As the old saying goes, a fox and a bear do indeed make a great pair, and even if I do not follow through with what I'm currently debating and instead go on to live a long life after this, I will remain forever grateful that I was so lucky to be your fox.

Johnny, since I understand that few people in your life have been smart enough to appreciate how great you really are, I will tell you something that I understand you have rarely heard in your life: I am so proud of you. I have watched you transform into an entirely different person these past two years - you have gone from someone who pretended to hate life to hide that you were afraid of it, to someone who loved life and basked in its glory. You credit me with being the one who changed you for the better, but no Johnny, you did that all yourself, and you should too be proud of yourself. It has been such a privilege to witness you come out of your shell and become who I know you've always wished you could be - and who, I daresay, you really are and always have been inside. I hope that you continue your progress after I'm gone, I only regret that I won't be around to see it.

Little John, if the three of you decide to carry on the mission of our group in my absence, I will it that you shall take my place. This is your group now, Johnny. The Merry Men would never have come to be if not for my first follower, and that was you - it is only fair that you should succeed me. I have trusted few people in my life more than I've trusted you, and I trust you to carry on the spirit of the Merry Men with courage, confidence, strength, cunning, intelligence, wisdom, leadership, and love. Indeed, I cannot help but think that all this time, you were the one who deserved to be exalted as a hero - you were the one who has had to overcome such challenges, and you have thrived because of it, while I've had such an easy life and yet I still couldn't figure out how to talk to my brother without hurting him. Go, Johnny. The poor of this city need a hero, and you have earned the right to be their hero.

And to my dear brother, Will - My brother, I have failed you. I have failed you both in my attempts to better you and in the fact itself that I was trying to cultivate you in my image. I should never have tried to change who you are - a man of your age isn't meant to be a fully-developed person, and it was odd that I was regarded as one at your age. I understand that now, and I will never be able to sleep soundly again at night knowing that I was the one who will have kept the world from ever being able to see what a great man I know you would have become. I was the odd one, William, not you - while I was a lad being heralded as mature beyond my years, you were enjoying a wild and vigorous youth I rarely got to experience myself, and perhaps in my jealousy I became bitter and found myself demanding that you take after me, fully believing myself to be a portrait of the perfect young man the stupid adults in our youth told me I was. And yet it was I who needed to take after you, to learn the ways of your free spirit of youthful rebellion - you were smart enough to not let our father turn you into the stodgy, refined young man he wanted you to be, but I was stupid enough to try to beat him at his own game, never realizing he was leading me exactly where he wanted me to follow.

You too, Will, deserved more than I to be regarded as a great hero. Deep down I always knew that you harbored more bravery, more passion, and - fittingly - more will for our work than I did. It kills me to know that I am the reason there will never be a chance for you to receive your due credit - I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

You were not juvenile, William, the world was juvenile for not being able to see your true wisdom - if only we should all see the virtue of never abandoning that youthful exuberance you so embodied. Yours was the death of innocence, and mine was the hand of corruption that would not allow something so pure as you to exist in this wicked world for much longer. Knowing that I acted as a tool for such a wicked act and murdered something so pure and innocent is something I do not believe I can bear to live with.

If any of you ever do get in contact with Marian, please tell her I love her so very dearly, that I always thought of her every day and dreamt of her every night, that I saw her face every time I closed my eyes and that I often found myself lying in rest unable to sleep as I wrapped my arms around myself and wished so desperately that she could be between them. And tell her that I do not expect her to forgive me, not for killing my brother nor for abandoning her nor for anything else I've done, and that she need not mourn me, and she may see this as a release from an evil man who did not deserve a woman as saintly as her. But still tell her that I spent my last moments praying to any god who might be listening, begging them that if there is somewhere after this mortal realm, that I should be granted enough mercy to be allowed to see her when it's her time to arrive there - and tell her that if she still does not want to meet me there, I will not fault her, but if she wants to find me in the any afterlife that might be, I will be right there waiting for her.

And if there is such a place, I also want to seek my brother and beg for his forgiveness. And I will wait for my mother and ask her forgiveness, and I will wait for the man I call my father and ask for his. And I will wait for all of you, my friends, and hope that I may gain your forgiveness for my sins. Perhaps in another time and place all of the people I love can be together with me and perhaps then and there I can truly be happy again, but I can only wish that such a splendid place without death should exist.

Tell the people of Nottingham, they are safer in the hands of the surviving Merry Men than they are with me at the helm. Indeed, I have considered simply turning myself in and letting that serve as my punishment for my failure to be a good brother, and my failure to be a good son, and my failure to be a good man to the love of my life, and my failure to be a good friend to all of you - but to give our enemies the satisfaction of feeling like they've beaten me would be to undermine the entire purpose of our mission, and it certainly would not have been what Will would have wanted. Tell the people of Nottingham, as I will say to you: do not cry for me, I am merely fulfilling my obligation.

I wish to reiterate that as I write this I have not yet committed to ending my own life - in fact, I can't help but ponder the irony that for as brave as those who admire me believe me to be, if I should decide against this act, it will have been because I was too much a coward to go through with it. But regardless of whether my journey ends here or if I decide to continue along this path in hopes that it will lead us to the promised land, I want to make sure I say this at least one more time:

Will, Marian, Johnny, Tuck, Alan, Mum, Oliver, and to all the people of Nottingham who we've helped and who have helped us stand against oppression: I love all of you. I only wish I could love myself now as you have all loved me.

Your Friend,

Robert Edward Hood
4 July 2000

(Note that in the closing signature, he appeared to have written "Robin Hood" first before crossing it out and writing his full name instead.)