53. "What's Love Got to Do With It?"
In the half-light of the moon, they embraced, their arms reaching around one another and their paws feeling every inch of the other's body to confirm that, yes, after all these years, they were really there together. As their fingers glided silently through each other's fur, the only things you could hear were the faint rustling of their moving limbs against the surface of the mattress and, after a time, the sounds of two lovers' passion: first a peck, then a smooch, then a chorus of a thousand tiny salival bubbles bursting as they joined their tongues and opened their mouths to widen the portal through which they could connect to form one essence. The gentlest of moans escaped each of their lips, miniscule moans, brief vocalizations fractions of seconds long to betray a euphoria so intense that they were both forgetting to exhale, and yet still not a euphoria that would rival that of the main event. But the current stage of bliss was still so blissful that they had no desire to move on to the next step, at least not yet. They wanted to fully feel each other's bodies for the first time in years, and that began at the head downwards. But as they kept suckling upon one another, they couldn't help but let their hands slip from their embrace around each other's shoulders and down the other's body towards the buttons that fastened the other's trouser waist over the base of their tails -
Snap!
Robin's eyes burst open as he jolted awake, finding himself upon the waterbed in the old van in the junkyard, broad daylight pouring in through the open rear hatch - or at least pouring in around the area obscured by a very large figure leaning in and over him, holding a disposable camera.
"Man, doesn't that thing spend half the day dragging on the ground?" the bear asked with a cheeky smirk. "I wouldn't put that in your mouth if I were you!"
Only then did the fox think to look at what he'd had his arms wrapped lovingly around.
"GAH!" the fox hollered as he spat a wad of red fur follicles out of his mouth.
He found his own tail pulled up between his legs and held tight against his chest, the fur on the last eight inches or so completely matted and soaked with his own spit. In fairness, his tail was probably long and thick enough for it to pass for a vixen's torso.
"EEEEEWWW!" In his shock, Robin's tail twitched and swung out away from him, maybe a conscious action, maybe not. Either way, Little John had no time to react as his friend's paintbrush of a tail swept across his chest and smeared fox loogie all over his shirt.
"Aw, c'mon, Rob!" Johnny protested, backing out of the van's doorway in disgust. "I thought you could control that thing, and you choose to do this!?"
Robin never did answer the question. "I'm in the middle of an extremely private moment and you chose to capture it in a photograph!? You chose to do that!? You absolutely must immortalize this moment for the world to see!?"
"I must," Johnny said plainly. "I've seen this a dozen times before and I never seem to find the Polaroid in time. Now I see it again, we're in a junkyard, there's a cheapie camera sitting in the trash pile right there… man, I'm not gonna let this moment pass me by again."
And Robin could understand, but without necessarily agreeing. "I'm certain it's an amusing image, Johnny, but as your friend, I'd like to politely ask you to dispose of that."
"Man, you really are image-conscious, aren't you?"
"Never claimed I wasn't. Now please destroy that photo."
"Why? It's my property."
"It's a picture of me."
"I took a photo of my life and you happened to be in it. C'mon, Rob, you're an actor, you should have some appreciation for art."
"Very well then," Robin said, smiling slyly as he reached out his hand. "Let me appreciate it up close, then."
"Alright," said Little John with a straight face, taking a step back and holding the photo straight up in the air. "Come and get it."
Rising to the challenge, Robin clambered out of the wobbly bed and stood at the rear door of the truck. He and Johnny exchanged determined smirks as it looked like the fox was about to leap, but then Robin came up with a better idea, using the door to climb up onto the roof of the truck.
"Ooh, we got us a crafty little hotshot here, now don't we?" mused the bear tauntingly.
Robin looked wild-eyed as he bent his knees standing atop the vehicle. His predatory hunting instinct engaged, he focused his gaze on the photograph, and he leapt.
Hey, does anybody know whether someone who grew up in England in the 70s and 80s would have logically been exposed to the Peanuts cartoons? Because when Little John calmly turned his arm and torso to get the photo out of the fox's line of attack, this narrator finds it curious that a guy as cunning as Robin didn't see it coming that the bear would just pull the equivalent of yanking Charlie Brown's football away before he could kick it. Aw, maybe Robin realized his mistake when he face-planted and belly-flopped on the hard dirt.
"Hey, be careful not to land on that arm, Rob!" warned Johnny, suddenly actually annoyed. "Ol' Geoffrey ain't giving you another cast - and I'm kinda sick of hearing his bitching and moaning anyway!"
But Robin wasted no time replying; he was undeterred. He got back to the van and stood again on the bumper, but he didn't bother climbing to the roof. His new target was not the photo in the sky itself. He jumped and grabbed his hands onto the giant's shoulders while propping his legs up on the slope of the bear's belly.
"Hey!" the bear hollered. "What're you-!?"
And then the fox wrapped his plastered arm around the back of the bear's neck, and with this weight leveraged, the little red guy started gently running the claws over the surface of the shirt covering his big brown friend's armpit.
"Oh, no…" came a deep bass mutter of concern as Johnny felt the feather-like sensations quicken at the base of his raised arm, but his tone quickly grew lighter. "No, Rob - heh! - you're - heh, heh… heh! - you're cheating! You're cheating, YOU'RE FUCKING CHEATING! HA, HA, HAAAAA…!"
The mass of the two of them collapsed to the ground and Robin got both hands involved as Little John was incapacitated, laying on his back as he wiggled through a case of the giggles.
"Rob, dude, seriously, fuck, dude, stahhhp, ha ha ha ha haaaaa!"
Somewhere along the line, Johnny did drop the photo, but Robin was a fun-loving fox and he knew that the bear also found fun to be rather fun, and after all the stress of the last couple days, Rob wasn't gonna end a moment like this even a second before he needed to.
The bear was slamming his arm against the ground like he was tapping out of a wrestling match, eyes pursed shut and still howling with belly laughs. "Robin, c'mon, man! Ha, ha, ha! Cut it out, man! HA!"
But then Johnny had an idea, and it started by gathering the composure to wrap an arm around Robin and hold him close against his chest.
"Uh… Johnny?" Robin asked as he realized the bear was rolling over onto his stomach and taking him with it. "You're… you're turning over, Johnny! You're… you're going to crush me!"
Oh, dear. Actual not-good visions of getting squashed in a mammalian stampede came flooding back into his head. Time to actually panic. Robin had already stopped tickling, now it was time to focus on wriggling out from the bear's grasp.
But Johnny stopped rolling over, and when he came to a rest on his side, he used both arms to wrangle the escaping Englishman once again, getting one arm wrapped tightly around the fox's torso, and the other firmly grasping Robin's tail.
"Johnny-!"
"Tickle, tickle!" Little John guffawed as he dusted Robin's nose with the tip of his long brush, now significantly drier than a few minutes before.
"Johnny, that's not necessary-! Achoo!"
"Wait, what!?"
The bear feathered the fox's nose and once again elicited a tiny nasal sneeze along with a fussy shake of the head and a little high-pitched yip! that could faintly be heard under the achoo.
"I didn't know you could do that!" Johnny exclaimed. "Holy shit, that is so fucking adorable!"
"Well I'm glad you find my - achoo! (Yip!) - my bloody nervous system so - achoo! (Yip!) - so goddamned amusing - achoo! (Yip!)"
The bear was still bellowing with laughter. "Cool! What else can you do!?"
Johnny moved on to using Robin's tail to tickle his ears, begetting a precious series of spasms and twitches on those velvet triangles. But it became harder to connect the fox's tail to his ears as Robin turned his head to take a gander at Johnny's own ears and leaned in to give the closer one a friendly but firm chomp.
"Yee-OUCH!"
The bear tried to shake his head free, but to no avail. Robin let out a playful growl as he let his jaw jerk every which way to hang on to his friend's ear, and Johnny returned with a playful roar in return as he grabbed a hold of the fox and started barrel-rolling for real, completing a few revolutions across the ground of the junkyard until his little friend finally surrendered his bite and they let go of one another, both unraveling and rolling to a rest on their backs right next to each other.
"...Now that's something I'm glad nobody took a picture of!" remarked Robin. And the two laughed their asses off for the better part of a minute.
After a time, Little John got up and walked over to retrieve the photo that Robin had nearly forgotten about; Robin followed without a word.
"I'm gonna put this in the photo album," said the bear as he picked up the picture and walked back to the side of the van. "And if you still feel so possessed as to fish it outta there later and rip it up, then hey man, that's all you. But between you, me, and God, we'll know you're not as immune to embarrassment as everyone thinks you are."
"Oh, I'm perfectly fine with sharing an embarrassing story about myself, but an image of one? That's a very unflattering look for me, Little John."
"Oh, what, like every photo of me in existence?" Johnny grumbled only half jokingly as he opened the van's side door and then its glove compartment, pulling out the mailbox wherein they kept their sentimental trinkets and important documents. He tucked the snap away. "Why do you think there's basically no photos of me in here?"
And Robin didn't have a good answer for that. But he thought he might have a solution.
"Where's that camera at?"
"Hm?"
"That disposable camera you used! Where's it at?" Robin repeated as he started searching the surrounding area. "No use complaining about a problem when we could just as easily remedy it!"
"Whaddya talkin' about?" Johnny was pretty sure he knew, but wasn't sure it made sense.
"Johnny, am I speaking in tongues!? - Oh, found it!" The fox retrieved the instant camera and carried it back to his friend. "You're a good man, Johnny, and you deserve to have your handsome face immortalized."
"Aw, don't patronize me!"
"I wouldn't have to patronize you if you just woke up and realized you look perfectly good! One of these days when it's safe we need to take you to a pub or something so you can see for yourself how many women would be happy to call you theirs if you just found the nerve to shoot your shot! Now come now," Robin insisted as he put the view spot to his eye and looked up at his lofty pal, "put on a nice smile for the camera!"
Little John still didn't buy the idea that he looked even remotely decent, but he understood Robin wasn't taking no for an answer, so he figured he could play along. He didn't put on some douchey eyes-half-shut smug smirk that would have made him look like he was trying too hard to be cool, nor some big toothy grin that would have made him look exactly as dorky as many already believed him be, but rather something in the middle - in other words, he tried to copy Robin's famous look. He looked down and presented a medium-strength, genuine, determined smile that made him look to be a genuinely good guy, but also a genuinely cool guy.
"The camera loves you, baby!" Snap! Robin pulled the instant print out of its slot and inspected it. "Ooh, look at that superior angle! Makes you look another eight feet tall! Here, you can use this for wanking to your fantasies of yourself being even bigger!" the fox chuckled.
Little John took a gander at the photo himself. "I dunno, Rob, this angle makes my double-chin look even worse than it actually is-"
"Johnny. You are a bloody grizzly bear."
"I'm just saying, bud, my brother weighed as much as I do now and he didn't have a double-chin… or maybe he had a lot more muscle mass than me and I'm just a fatfuck, that would make sense. Fuck, I'm just now realizing how-"
"Okay! One of the both of us now!" Robin interrupted. "Shall I climb into your back, do you prefer to just sit on the ground, or…?"
Johnny again realized he had no say in this, but he did have some sway in this. "Hold on, I have a better idea…" He leaned sideways to scoop Robin up under the armpits with his right arm and held him up so they were shoulder to shoulder. "That oughta work!"
"Brilliant!" Robin held out his right arm with the camera facing them; the strain of holding the camera and extending his arm was just on the border of being bearable with his healing arm, but for a Kodak moment like this (which was so close to also being a Kodiak moment if only Johnny's ancestry had lined up right), he could suck it up. "This city's saviors: neither of us could do it without the other!"
And with his heightened social acumen, Robin already knew that would make Little John crack a real smile. You know, the God's truth was that in a perfect scenario, both of them probably would prefer to have friends they could relate to more than these two could relate to each other, and plenty of times these guys simply couldn't understand how the other's mind operated. But even if they weren't the friends the other wanted, they were certainly the friends the other needed, and both of them were grateful to have something a lot of people aren't fortunate enough to have.
Snap! "There," said Robin as Johnny put him down, "now when the extraterrestrials come and invade our planet, there will be documented evidence that we did indeed once exist!"
"The closest thing we'll get to immortality!"
"Isn't that the dream?" Robin mused as he tucked the new photos into the mailbox. "Of course, if the scientific community would be so kind as to stop twiddling their thumbs and figure out a way to let us actually live forever without fear of death, that would of course be preferred, but I suppose you can't force some people to excel at their job." He closed the door to the van and patted his paws against each other to dispel any dirt upon them. "Right then! We've some chores we ought to do now, Johnny! And since we've just permanently etched images of ourselves covered in filth onto film, this strikes me as good a time as any to get ourselves clean and tidy, wouldn't you agree?" He reached underneath the vehicle to grab his bow and quiver as well as Johnny's big fucking stick, which he tossed over to the bear. "Come, Johnny! Onward to Sherwood!"
And in most other situations, Little John wouldn't really care for Robin firmly (if warmly) giving orders and laying out an agenda he'd had no say in. But ever since the fox had told him what he'd purportedly heard from admirers on the street yesterday, Johnny understood that things were going to become very different very soon, so for his own sanity, he allowed Robin to take the reins unopposed.
-IllI-
Dear Reader… aren't Monday mornings supposed to suck?
"...III… don't feel toooo steaaadyyy ooon myyy feeeeet, III feeeeel holllllowww, III feeeeel weeeak…!"
Because Robin was feeling fuckin' great.
"Passiooon fruuuits aaand hooolyyy breaaad, they fill myyy guuuts aaand eeease myyy heaaad…!"
Granted, this was a guy who hadn't regularly needed to wake up early on a Monday morning since he finished college, but as someone with nocturnal tendencies who much preferred it when everybody was chilled out and unburdened by their obligations, he could still feel the fun and relaxed energy of the weekend drain from the universe on a Monday morning and be replaced by a cosmic mood that was simultaneously tense and tired, and he didn't like that. But he wasn't feeling that this morning, he was just feeling good vibes.
"Throuuugh the eaaarlyyy mooorniiing suuun, III caaan seeeee herrr, heeere sheee, cohhhhh-oh-ooomes…!"
Because he was one day closer to reuniting with the love of his life.
The fox stood knee-deep in the creek that ran through Sherwood Forest, cleaning clothes on a washboard that he still after all these years wasn't sure he was using correctly, singing his happy songs to himself in preparation for a long-awaited rendezvous with someone special. He'd already washed with some shampoo he and Johnny had made a point to pick up after their troubles with bar soap, now it was time to make sure that his garments were equally spotless, hygienic, and aromatic. If you're seeing someone you love for the first time in years, you don't want the moment ruined by having an unflattering odor about you, do you? So Robin was taking the initiative to wash all their apparel, his and Johnny's both, to ensure that whenever they found Marian, they'd be as presentable as possible.
...This also meant that the both of them were completely in the buff, since you can't do all the laundry unless you do all the laundry, but hey, it was a Monday morning, people were at work while these two were alone in the woods, it's not like anybody would see them. But for their own comfort if nothing else, their undies were the last things to come off and were the first things Robin washed and set out to dry.
Not far away, Little John was keeping watch by the Major Oak while also trying to put some sort of breakfast together. There was a period of time in the early days when the Merry Men had a Honda generator hooked up to a mini fridge and some appliances (all of which were "donated" by some wealthy citizens), but it was just such a pain in the ass to try to keep buying fresh food with their underground lifestyle and to carry heavy gasoline canisters on a long walk into the woods and wouldn't you know it, even the fanciest microwaves won't survive long being outside in the elements, so by the time the group had boiled down to just the fox and the bear, they junked everything and decided to live like the Amish. Therefore nothing especially perishable was available to them - no milk, eggs, or most cheeses, not most fruits or meats that weren't precooked or preserved - and they couldn't even toast their bread, but they made do.
Like today, Johnny was whipping up some serious gourmet shit: for himself, a large plate of mini PB&J sandwiches made on Ritz crackers with a sleeve each of little Hostess powdered and chocolate donuts, and for Robin (an Englishman through and through who consequently never really acquired a taste for something as American as peanut butter), a large bowl full of crushed-up chocolate chip granola bars with a healthy quantity of dried berries mixed in with a side of apple cinnamon Nutri-Grain bars. Johnny couldn't help but wonder if maybe this was why stupid Robin still looked so good and was still in such great shape after living as a homeless person for seven years, maybe it was because he preferred eating (relatively) healthy shit like this whenever possible within their means while Johnny himself had no hesitance to use their destitute situation as an excuse to eat the worst junk, but… meh, a fox has to look his foxiest while a grizzly's gotta look his grizzliest, and a big guy like him needed the fat and calories that something like peanut butter was very efficient at providing. Thank God his species had evolved so he could be obese to the point of being bedridden and still not suffer any negative internal medical issues. And… heh, Robin was a good nickname for the fox named Robert; the guy ate like a bird.
But Little John had spent plenty of time in the past half-decade silently debating with himself whether taking advantage of his biological privilege to eat whatever the hell he wanted whenever the hell he wanted was worth the price of never being able to look even remotely fit and attractive like the fox did (see the aforementioned double-chin that Johnny had just realized in the last few years not every other bear had) (or the fact that he was presently standing bum-ass naked but couldn't see his own feet if he looked straight down) (nor his penis), so he didn't need to spend any more time pondering it now. He was mentally busy instead with trying to be a big boy and making peace with the fact that he was soon going to drop back down to being his favorite person's second-favorite person, tops.
And as Johnny would insist this narrator repeat once again, he didn't morally blame Robin for this, who in the hell would favor their regular buddy over their fuck-buddy? The bond of matrimony is supposed to be the most sacred and beloved in one's life, virtually every culture on Earth believed that on some level, it would be ludicrous for Little John to expect not to be preempted on Robin's list of priorities. And the bear was fully aware, if he didn't want to settle for being second choice, it was his own responsibility to either get over his hangups with women (which he had his reasons for thinking was impossible at this point) or, perhaps even more unlikely, find someone else who was probably never going to find love either and go be their platonic life partner instead of Robin's. Heh, the age difference probably would have made this impossible, but Johnny was just imagining that maybe in some other life he could have been tight with a lonely schmuck like Sheriff Woodland; God knows the two tall, fat, and brawny Southerners were basically already each other's dramatic foils. Or maybe even Prince John of all people since apparently Johnny had a track record at this point of getting along swimmingly with every Brit he met; he didn't know what the heck he'd ever have in common with that mangy lion in any universe, but he hadn't ever expected to have been so close with Robin either, and the two Johns hanging out would have been pretty fitting. Then they would have just needed to start hanging out with a Jonathan and they could be Jon, John, 'n' Johnny. It practically writes itself.
Now, would it be too much to ask for Robin to love and care for his best friend and blood brother equally as much but differently than he loved and cared for his fiancée so that Little John wouldn't be forced to find someone else to bump Robin from the top spot on the list of Johnny's favorite people? A 1a/1b sort of thing that Johnny could reciprocate if he were ever lucky enough to find The One? Hm… I dunno, man, sounds kinda gay honestly.
But even if the Homophobia Lite prevalent in the culture of the Dubya era ("Two guys can't love each other that much without being gay - not that there's anything wrong with that, just don't do it around me!") wasn't a legitimate concern, asking for shared favoritism was a fool's errand that could only make him look desperate and pathetic - assuming Robin didn't already think that way about him, but Johnny wasn't going to assume the worst. Because he didn't expect Robin to just drop him like a log to exclusively spend time with his girlfriend, if for no other reason than because the fox and the bear still had a job to complete and, as mentioned earlier, neither could do it alone. But according to the rumors, Marian wasn't just coming to visit, this was a long-term stay, and since each fox knew roughly where to find each other this time, their moments spent together would soon become much more frequent, and consequently moments like Robin and Johnny had had that morning would become less frequent. And there was no telling yet how steep the progressive drop-off would get.
"Bon appetit…" the bear greeted as he approached the fox in the water, only to find Robin's laundering methods a bit troublesome. "Oh, c'mon, Rob, ya go through all that trouble to clean the clothes just to toss them on the dirty ground?"
"You mean the gentle green grass we've been content to build our entire lives upon?" Robin replied. "The ground is clean enough, try as we might, we can't keep all our clothes completely spotless between now and whenever we encounter Marian!" He pointed to a pair of undergarments that were big enough for the fox to get lost in. "I did that pair first, they should be about dry by now."
Johnny picked up the article of clothing and inspected it. "Some cleaning job you did, it's still got a bunch of my hair in it," he muttered as he plucked some fur follicles out from the fabric.
"Ah, they're yours aren't they!?" Robin goofed. "Besides, who's ever going to see your undies up close?"
"You're right!" Johnny said as he slipped them on. "No one's ever gonna wanna see me in my britches because I'm about as attractive as an overflowing toilet!"
"Please, Johnny, don't sell yourself short, you're at least as handsome as an overflowing urinal!" the fox teased as he put his own pair of underwear on. He waded out of the water, dropped the washboard, and accepted his cereal bowl from the bear, digging in with a plastic Wendy's spoon. "Mmm! Marvelous breakfast as always, Little John. So simple and yet so enterprising. Where'd you ever get so creative with food?"
"You made me get creative with food when you refused to just eat Frosted Flakes and Pop-Tarts," Johnny answered as he gently squeezed one of his sandwiches together, producing thin strands of peanut butter out of the holes of the bottom cracker and grape jelly out the holes of the top one.
"Well, an action hero cannot survive off sugar alone!" Robin said between bites of fruit and granola. "Speaking of… you certain you never want to make something like this for yourself?" he asked, pointing to Johnny's crackers and donuts.
Little John took a moment to think and swallow before answering: "Well, Rob, if you're to be believed, if I bothered to start eating healthy, I might give you a run for your money in the looks department before you know it!"
"Ah, but what if I told you that you already do, or you would if you just bothered to market yourself!?"
Again, the bear gave himself a moment to think of a good answer. "...Then I'd wonder if that was really Marian you were thinking of when I caught you making out with your tail!"
Robin nearly dropped his bowl from laughing so hard - and then he actually dropped his bowl when he started choking on a grain of granola.
"Oh, shit, Rob!" Johnny hurriedly put his food down and went over to pick up his friend from behind and give him one good thrust of the thumb knuckle into the abdomen.
Robin cleared his throat and spat out a tiny piece of grain. "Okay! Okay. I'm good. I'm good…"
Little John put the fox down with an exasperated sigh. "Jesus, man, sorry about that."
"Ah, don't worry too much about it, old boy," Robin insisted as he picked up what hadn't spilled from his bowl. "If I absolutely must die needlessly… choking to death laughing at one of your jokes wouldn't be that bad of a way to go, I must admit."
"Well, none of this would have ever happened if you didn't insist on eating granola like a fuckin' hippie!" Johnny joked as he kneeled down to retrieve his own food. But then he had a vision. "...Wait…"
"What is it?"
The bear didn't answer. He merely disassembled a cracker sandwich and, realizing they were roughly the same in circumference, placed a powdered donut on the open face and closed the sandwich again.
Robin didn't like this. "Oh, Johnny, nooo…"
Little John just popped his creation on his mouth and started chewing. A smile materialized across his snout as he looked at Robin and nodded slowly and thoughtfully. "Mmmmm!"
"No, Johnny, no, dooon't…!"
The bear swallowed. "You're just jealous because you're too much of a health nut to have fun with your food!" He looked back at his breakfast platter. "Wait, what the hell am I thinking? It'd probably go much better with a chocolate one!"
As Little John went back to playing with his food, Robin shuddered and turned away (he insists it was more his aversion to peanut butter than being a food snob). "I'll go hang the laundry up to dry," he said as he started gathering the clothes into their basket.
"You do that," Johnny said with a full mouth, knees still on the ground and hands still reconstructing his sandwiches. "You don't know what you're missing!"
Oh, Robin knew what he was missing alright: Marian. But it was a strange kind of pining, one that was almost sweet because he could see the end in sight. He was finally going to see the love of his life for the first time in so long… in oh so long… so long…
...Oh, goddammit.
"...Hey, Johnny?" Robin called from the Major Oak's neighboring clothesline.
"What's up, chief?" Johnny asked, walking back with his plate of food.
"I… I shouldn't have to worry that she's moved on for real this time, should I?" the fox asked as he pinned up a pair of jeans.
And Little John, now sitting on the ground with his plate, couldn't help but chuckle. "Wait, are we really having this exact same conversation again?"
"Is it that amusing to you?" Robin grumbled.
"I'm just saying, Rob, you were jumping for joy ever since last night, and now all of a sudden you're questioning whether this is a good thing, which is very unlike you. And it's sounding very similar to a conversation we had on this same topic four years ago."
"And that's just it!" Robin insisted as he hung up Johnny's Jets jacket that had gotten too hot to wear by this time of year. "I was so excited to know I can actually see her again that it completely slipped my mind that… oh, yes, it's been even longer than the first time we were apart."
"Aren't you the guy who's usually so busy looking on the bright side that you completely forget to think about what could go wrong?" Johnny quipped as he tried to form a monster with both types of mini donuts on the same cracker stack.
"Well let's just say these last few weeks have taught me that refusing to entertain what might go wrong makes it hurt even worse if and when things do go wrong."
The bear just tsk-tsked and stood to walk over to his friend, leaning over and putting his paws on the fox's shoulders, looking him in the eye. "Robin. My man. You two were apart for three years the first time and she still agreed to marry you! You really think she's gonna renege on the deal now?"
"Oh, I'm aware of that, Johnny, I'm not quite as worried as I was the last time, but the thought still crosses my mind-"
"You know this chick better than anybody, do you think she'd give up on you?"
Robin thought about that. "...I think she's just as scared of getting older as I am, Little John, and I couldn't blame her for wanting to take control of her life and stop waiting for a man who may never return to her."
Little John took a deep breath. "And you know what? Fine, sure, that's a possibility. But think for a second, Rob: do you think… it's likely? Because I don't. And the fact of the matter is… now you are returning to her."
The fox simply blinked at him. "Well from her point of view, that was unlikely."
Johnny just threw his arms up and walked back to his food. "Welp… I dunno what to tell ya then. We had this exact same conversation years ago, and - hell, you didn't listen to me then either, didja!? It took Tuck stumbling outta the blue to announce she'd be a guest at the archery contest for you to realize, 'oh, wait, Johnny was right, there is something I can do to prove to this chick I'm still worthy of her love and attention after all this time!'" The bear sat down grumpily and popped another sandwich in his maw. "And I'll be honest…" he said with a full mouth, "you're… quite literally a hot commodity. Don't pretend you don't know that. I think it helps your case that she's gotta know she may never find a guy who checks all the boxes like you do."
Robin was having trouble swinging a pair of cargo shorts over the clothesline as his focus was elsewhere. "...And you know what, Johnny? You… ah, you make a good point. I should have listened to you then, and perhaps I should be listening to you now."
Little John rolled his eyes with a smile. "There we go, now you're gettin' it!"
But the fox wasn't smiling back. "But as much as I want to believe you, and truly I do, I… this isn't really the same situation as last time, now is it? Last time I was seeking her forgiveness for leaving her behind, she forgave me, now it's… what?" He stepped away from the clothes to expressively act out a scenario. "'Hello, darling, I'm back! Remember that horrible mistake I made years ago that you forgave me for!? Well, I've done it again! But you'll have no problem forgiving me again after I've completely failed to learn my lesson, right!?'" He scoffed and turned back to the hamper. "Those damned classes Robert made me take may have taught me how to handle a vast number of awkward situations one may find oneself in, but they didn't teach me how to handle something like this! One box you could never say I check is loyalty."
His friend still really didn't get what the problem was. "Uh, dude. Let's recap: last time around, she abandoned you. Prince John mighta kicked her out, but nothing was preventing her from finding her own place here. Hell, what was stopping her from moving to Nottingham before 2001? She seemed like a sweet woman when I met her, I really hope she isn't the kind to accuse you of being disloyal."
Robin was just now realizing that he probably wasn't supposed to hook those cargo shorts over the clothesline, and he grabbed some pins from their little bin. "It probably just boiled down to a money issue! She went wherever someone was offering to let her stay because she just wasn't making enough to support herself in any big city!"
"Well, there ya go!" Johnny said with a palms-up shrug. "So it was neither of your faults that you two were torn apart last time! Get back with her like there's nothing to apologize for and start making up for lost time!"
The cargo shorts were now hung out vertically as God intended. "Well how do we know her Uncle Richard didn't cut her off and now her Uncle John's swooped in to offer her a new lease on life - in exchange for using her as obvious bait to catch me!? How do we know that she doesn't want nothing to do with me now - and that Prince John doesn't know that either? What if that's the only reason she came to Nottingham this time, because she despises me now for wasting her youth waiting on me and now she'll play dumb and let him catch me?"
Johnny stopped eating to give his friend his full attention. "Robin, you are jumping to insane conclusions."
"...Am I?" Robin pondered as he wadded up a soggy pair of pantyhose in his paws (hey, don't judge, pantyhose is how homeless people survive the winter). "...I am." He pinned the garment up. "...But it is a possibility."
"And it's a possibility another 9/11'll happen tomorrow, you gonna plan around that?"
The fox stopped to stare blankly into a green-and-yellow Oakland A's jersey-shirt that Johnny had bought him years ago; after a few seconds of silence, he buried his face in the shirt and screamed. "That's another thing!" he said as he pulled his face out. "So giddy was I to finally see her again that I didn't even think about how to get to that point! I don't have a plan, and… granted, I've only been thinking about it for a minute now, but in a matter of love, I feel like the best plan would be one that comes to me almost immediately."
"Oh, no it does not, Mister Perfectionist!" Little John teased. "It's okay to be like the rest of us and need time to figure shit out, Super-Fox! Besides, what kinda plan do ya even need? You know where the mayoral mansion is!"
"And they know I know that!" Robin rebutted as he navigated one of Johnny's gigantic Chicago Bears shirts. "It would be bloody idiotic of them to not be right there waiting to throw everything they have at me!"
"You sure are giving his security a lot of credit considering we've made fools out of 'em on a regular basis for seven frickin' years."
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but there was ever an easy battle from their perspective, this would be it. A gimme." Another sports shirt he was fussing with, this one a Sheffield Wednesday tee Robin hardly ever got a chance to wear because it would have made his identity a little too obvious. "And if there was ever a time for Prince John to say sod it and just bring in more-competent reinforcements, now would be that time."
Little John swallowed another sandwich (he'd barely made a dent in his platter) and gave another cool shrug. "Fine! Then she'll find us here! Even if she doesn't remember exactly where this place is, she knows she can ask anybody in Georgetown - they'll probably recognize her, too - and if they can't tell her exactly where this godforsaken tree is, they'll know somebody who can."
Robin stopped what he was doing as he walked over to the Major Oak, locked eyes with his friend, and pointed to the deep gash in her trunk. "Can she really find us here? And if the Department is on the hunt for us and knows where this tree is, is it any safer for her to be here than for us?"
The bear waved his hand in dismissal. "Oh, word will get around, we've got too many friends, somebody's gonna put us in contact eventually." I swear to God, this guy must have used an entire box of Ritz crackers and an entire jar of peanut butter and jelly each; like I know this dude's a grizzly bear, God knows I'm familiar with his people's eating habits, but goddamn. "She's probably figuring out how to find you too, bud. She struck me as a smart girl; I'm sure she's got a plan of her own brewing."
The fox was back to hanging up underpants of vastly different sizes. "She is a smart girl, but we're a couple of smart lads; see how that hasn't exempted us from failure recently."
Johnny sighed and decided to fully return his gaze to his breakfast. "Well, nice to see you still have a high opinion of us." He was specifically seeking the ugliest sandwiches to consume first so as to save the best for last; so intense was his focus. that his peripheral vision had basically shut itself off. "Then we're just gonna have to wait and see where things go. Maybe we'll get lucky and Tuck or somebody else might pop outta the wild blue yonder and give ya some news that changes everything and makes a lightbulb go off in your head. Who knows."
And Robin was similarly focused on hanging up the green polo shirt he'd have otherwise been presently wearing next to the blue jeans he'd have otherwise been presently wearing. "Well with luck like ours recently, I don't feel quite so confident counting on it." He was hoping focusing on his chore would take his mind off this sudden and intrusive uncertainty. "If there were ever a time for our fortunes to change for the better, now would be as good as any, but…" His head sank as he contemplated what had become of his life and his mission; the possibility that he'd see Marian again still made this a better Monday morning than most, but it wasn't as good as it was an hour ago. "...it just feels like the entire universe is trying to tell us something."
Gasp! "ARE YOU IN CONTACT WITH ALIENS!?"
"GAH!" Startled, Robin spun around to face the source of the unexpected voice, but found himself stumbling backwards and landing on his butt in the laundry basket.
After a moment to process the confusion, however, he saw the voice had come from a different brown bear, standing in tow of another fox who was carrying something in a black Hefty garbage bag. And Robin couldn't help but smile at the sight of some familiar faces.
"Lads, you scared the living daylights out of me!" Robin chuckled. "My oh my, did nobody ever teach you boys to knock?"
"You see!?" Little John cut in, standing up with his attention directed at Robin as he walked over, pointing at him aggressively. "This is the exact same conversation as last time! Right down to it ending with you gettin' spooked and falling ass-backwards in the hamper - which is another thing I wish I had a camera around for!" He turned now to face the boys, getting much more jovial very quickly. "Ed! Eddy! Gentlemen! How's it goin', kiddos? To what do we owe the pleasure?"
But despite his exuberance half a minute prior, Ed didn't answer; he just looked confused. And as for Eddy way down below, he looked oddly embarrassed and… maybe a little uncomfortable? Either way, he was silent as well. And the Merry Men just stared at the two of them trying to get some clues from their body language to decipher what was wrong.
Finally, Ed looked down at his diminutive friend and broke the silence: "Eddy, did we dress wrong?"
Robin and Johnny's necks nearly snapped from how quickly they turned to look at one another. And that's when it hit them:
"Oh, fucking hell"
"Shit, we're in our underwear!"
The outlaws made haste over to the clothesline and feverishly grabbed a wad of clothes each, not even really caring what they grabbed, just enough to hold and cover themselves below the belt.
"Well, er… ahem…" Robin stalled as he sought the words. "...that was certainly an awkward moment, eh, lads? Heh, erm… for the record, when I said it'd be best to knock first, I was only half joking."
Ed still looked confused. "Does this mean no extraterrestrial encounters?"
"I mean, I, uh…" Little John stammered, "...I guess this wasn't anything worse than you'd see at a… y'know, at a swimming pool… where, uh, everyone's wearing Speedos, I guess…"
Eddy also still looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. "I was gonna say… it's not so much that you guys are in your undies. It's… I just didn't expect manly men like you to both wear man-panties."
And both of the men were so offended by that sophomoric remark that they dropped the clothes they had tried so desperately to get just so they could throw their hands up in contempt.
"Really, Eddy?" Robin began. "You'd really think less of over something so trivial as our choice of underwear?"
The little fox started nodding slowly, then more quickly, a blank expression all the way. "...Honestly, yeah."
"Oh, grow the fuck up, kid!" Johnny threw in. "Like, yeah, I get it, you're a teenager, but do you have to be that much of a teenager!? Like, for Christ's sakes, at least these are somewhat-flattering solid-color ones, not some little-kid Batman briefs or actual tighty-fuckin'-whities! Hey, someday you're gonna be old enough to realize that underwear ain't just a fashion statement, it's to serve a function, and with all the running we do, these are a hell of a lot better at providing support than friggin' boxers! They're like a sports bra for your testicles! You wanna run a mile and chafe your dick all the way in your boxers, be my guest! And a guy with fat fuckin' thighs like me can't wear boxers anyway! Hey, ya wanna know what's really manly? Not caring about what other people think!"
"Not even caring that women are gonna think you look unmanly?"
"For God's sake, Eddy, a woman worth keeping won't think that!" Robin continued. "And if I may talk to you boys as men for a moment…" His face suddenly went from stern to sly. "...some ladies like a bulge. I know mine does!"
And Eddy was still unfazed. "So… you just told a couple of minors that your underwear basically shows the world your junk… while wearing nothing but your underwear in front of those underage minors."
Robin's eyes popped open and he quickly picked up the pile of clothes again to hold in front of his groin. "I mean, I was speaking hypothetically, I didn't suggest that I personally had a marvelous package to a couple of teenagers-"
"Don't worry, I wasn't looking."
"I'll tell you what, kid," said Johnny, "with all these comebacks ready to go, you definitely got that foxes' sharpness and wit about ya - now we just gotta channel it into something more constructive than a wisecrack!"
"I'm inclined to agree!" Robin chimed in. And then they were all quiet for a moment. "...We haven't changed your mind on the matter, have we?"
"Nope."
"Aaand we just spent a good few minutes talking about underwear and implied sex talk to a couple a' strange children, didn't we?" asked Little John.
"Yup."
"Hoo boy…"
"Don't worry, guys!" Ed suddenly spoke up, then began undoing his fly. "I wear the same kind of underwear, Eddy's all alone-!"
"NO! No, no, no…!"
Robin and Johnny both turned and covered their eyes as they held their arms out, signalling to stop.
"We don't wanna see a kid in their underwear!"
"Then we would actually feel like we deserve to be in prison!"
"...Oh, okay," was all the young grizzly said as he redid his trousers.
"Alright, I'm getting dressed now," said Little John as he grabbed his pants, still not looking at the boys just to be safe.
"I quite like that idea," Robin said as he searched for a dry shirt. And while he also mostly kept his back to Ed and Eddy, he did sneak a glance to ask them, "But what are you boys doing here?"
"Well," ventured Eddy, "ya told us to think it over again and get back to you on Monday… it's Monday now, ain't it?"
The Merry Men stopped what they were doing to exchange surprised and concerned looks, then looked at the boys.
"Do you… have an answer?" asked Johnny tentatively.
The small fox simply gestured to himself and his bear friend, looking kind of annoyed. "I toldja Ed and I were in and Double-D wasn't… why do ya think we're here and he ain't?"
"Oh! Well, er…" went Robin, "I… I was afraid we'd scared you off after seeing all the madness we've been through and… and we were giving you a chance to see yourselves out without worrying you'd be embarrassing yourselves-"
Eddy looked indignant. "Hey, what kinda pussies do you take us for!?" he asked with his paws up in a huh? gesture.
"Aw, naw, kid," said Little John. "We know you're a big, brave boy with your big, brave boy boxer shorts, much braver than us with our gay little boy man-panties or whatever the fuck you called them."
And the kit just rolled his eyes. "If you wanna make fun of me for having a better fashion sense than you, you two can go right ahead, but we were just offering to help! Do you want it or not?" he asked as he raised the garbage bag.
They'd been so concerned with other details of their encounter that neither Robin nor Johnny had thought about what was up with the bag Eddy had brought.
"...What's in there?" asked Little John.
"Money," Eddy said flatly. "You guys make a name for yourself stealing from the rich? Well, we wanted to prove we could do it too-"
"YOU DID WHAT!?" the Briton shrieked. "WHY!?"
"You committed a fucking crime just to impress us!?" asked the Southerner incredulously.
Eddy's jaw hung open just a little as he gave them a look of disgusted disbelief. "Excuse me? Are you two literal wanted criminals actually trying to shame me for doing what you do every day!"
"YES!" the Merry Men hollered in unison, still more worried than just angry.
"Lad, everyone who's ever worked with us has been a lowlife loser who's had nothing to lose because their lives were going nowhere - including the two of us! You're young, don't throw your lives away just to make us think you're cool!"
"Yeah, like - let's just be straight up here," said Johnny. "We thought it was pretty obvious that we were getting cold feet about dragging a couple of kids into this and ruining your lives before they even started! Like, hey, we're fucking flattered that you wanna roll with us so badly, but… Jesus, ain't nobody ever toldja to stay in school!?"
Eddy glared at these flip-floppers for a moment before tossing the garbage bag on the ground at their feet. "Five seventy-two twenty-seven, take it or leave it."
"...Huh?" was all the Men could say.
"Five hundred… and seventy-two dollars… and twenty-seven cents," Eddy said, raising an eyebrow and crossing his arms. "Take it… or leave it."
Robin, being closer to the ground and all, stepped forward and grabbed the bag. He opened it and Johnny leaned over to take a peek as well. They didn't count the money, but just by eyeballing it, it certainly looked closer to a thousand dollars than to zero.
"...Holy Moses," Little John remarked.
"That… is an impressive bounty, I'll admit," confessed Robin. But this cache of cash raised a few questions.
"...Who'd ya steal this from?" asked Johnny, suddenly looking up sternly from the bag.
"And I'd say just as importantly," added Robin, "...what precisely did you do to get this money?"
And Eddy had a story ready to go.
"So there's this guy in our neighborhood," he began, "a reeeal asshole. He beats the crap outta me, Ed, Sock-Head, and a bunch of other people for no fucking reason."
"His name is Kevin!" Ed piped up. The Merry Men nodded; a common enough name, it didn't even cross their mind that this might be the same Kevin they'd encountered in the woods.
"His name is Kevin," Eddy affirmed, "and he thinks he can get away with beating our asses - and he usually does - because he knows his parents are rich. They only live in our neighborhood because they're the stingy cheapskate kind of rich people who're fine living in regular-sized houses because that means they can just hoard the rest of their money."
"Figures," Robin remarked cynically. "They probably believe in trickle-down economics while ensuring their own wealth isn't trickling down."
"And you say this rich kid's a belligerent bully?" asked Little John.
"The definition of one," said Eddy with a slight smirk.
Johnny just nodded, looking pissed. "Fuck, sounds about right… he ain't gettin' my sympathy. So what's his parents do for a living?"
"His mom's a high-up in the city's entertainment scene, and his dad's one of the head honchos at the jawbreaker factory." He exaggerated their ranks just a little, but he got their industries right.
"Wait, you mean the NoCoCo factory up in Lemon Brook?"
"The very same!"
Johnny turned to Robin. "If ya want me to stop eating candy, that might be one company that'll be easy for me to boycott if their executives raise their kids to be assholes like that."
"Oh, his parents think they're teaching him to be a leader who fights to protect his neighborhood from such threatening forces such as… us." (Eddy didn't even realize that this part wasn't a lie.) "So anyway, the plan was pretty simple actually. Ed and I both trashed our rooms and told our parents that Kevin forced his way in and made the mess himself, so then they go and bitch out Kevin's parents, and sure enough, they think that their kid breaking and entering just for some recreational vandalism is a little too far. Meanwhile, me and Ed've been acting like we're about to piss our pants out of fear of this dude, so our parents specifically tell Ed and me not to come with them to tell off Kevin's parents just in case that crazy son of a bitch Kevin is ballsy enough to beat us up in front of our parents. So when his parents leave the house to inspect the damage - and we got lucky, because they dragged Kevin with them, we were totally prepared to bound and gag him if we needed to - but they're so worked up over the accusations and our parents are basically dragging them to see the destruction, his parents don't even lock their front door on their way out! So since we're M.I.A…." He made a walking motion with his fingers. "Waltz right in. Path of least resistance. So yeah, some of this is loose cash from their piggy banks and purses, some of this was buried in their sock drawers, some of this is money we made pawning stuff we stole - we wanted to take more and bigger shit, but you know, tryna keep a low profile and all, we could only grab what we could fit in our pockets, baseball cards and such - and, well, y'know… counting all of it was a bitch and a half, but we got it!"
And so the little fox stood there proudly, paws on his hips and a determined smile on his face, looking proud of himself. But whereas the adults had looked impressed a few minutes ago, now they were just looking… skeptical.
"...And then what happened?" asked Little John.
"...Huh?"
"What happened next? You said this kid lives in your neighborhood and his parents know your guys' parents, so they get home and find a bunch a' their shit missing and just… what, nothing comes of that!?"
"And we'd also like to know about your alibi," added Robin, "since surely somebody noticed you two were conveniently unaccounted for that whole time."
Okay, Eddy, just stay calm and speak slowly to give yourself time to come up with bullshit.
"And you know what? Excellent question! And it's thinking a few steps ahead like that that's why you guys are master criminals and I'm just your student! So here's what happened… they didn't realize they left the door unlocked when they left the house, but they absolutely noticed when they got home and put their hands on the doorknob! And of course, Ed and I were prime suspects, but we holed up in Double-D's room and told him you're next, you're next, Kevin's breaking into our houses and you're next! And, y'know, Sock-Head ain't been hanging out with us, he doesn't know any better, so when all our parents finally find us, all they see is us in the middle of a panic attack as we're trying to barricade Double-D's room before a Kevin attack. And we sold it so well… they were none the wiser!"
The outlaws gave some slow, tentative nods, but didn't yet look fully convinced.
"Now, Eddy, you've done much of the talking," noted Robin before he turned to Eddy's friend. "Ed, my friend, would you like to contribute to the story?"
Ed looked nervous. And that made Eddy nervous.
"Oh, uh…" Eddy stammered, "I know you didn't know better, but Ed's not good at being put on the spot, especially if you want him to, like, recite facts to you. He can spin a good yarn about his sci-fi comics, but answering questions in class? Or God forbid Speech class? Oh, let's just hope the big lug never has to testify in court!"
"Yeah, Johnny nodded, "let's hope."
"And although we completely understand that it's not his choice to have this sort of stage fright," Robin added, "it will be something he'll have to work to get over if he wants to join our team-"
"YES!" Ed suddenly hollered in panic before picking Robin up off the ground and shaking him back and forth. "Ed wants to learn! I wanna learn how to have cool adventures like you two!"
Robin was making some sort of rhythmic groaning that made him sound queasy when Johnny put a paw on Ed's shoulder to calm him down.
"Alright, slugger, we can tell you're excited, but you can put the fox down now."
Ed did, and Robin caught his breath.
"Well…nobody can deny the lad is eager to learn!" said the Englishman.
"Ed would do anything!" Ed said, looking desperate. "I wanna have an adventure!"
"And we'd love to have some fresh faces join us, kiddo," said Little John, almost morosely. "But uh… you guys mind if me and Rob huddle for a minute?"
"Good idea, Johnny!" said Robin. "We'll only be a moment, boys."
"Uh… s-sure, go ahead," said Eddy, not thinking he had a choice to say otherwise.
The bandits went around to the other side of the clothes line and started exchanging hushed words:
"Okay," the bear began, "part of me still feels like dragging kids into this is a bad idea… and part of me thinks we were right the first time that this might be our best shot. Do you got any strong opinions one way or another?"
"I really am torn the same way," confessed Robin. "I was not expecting that bagful of money. Twenty minutes ago, I would have told these kids to bugger off, but now… they may be lying to us about where that money came from, but they still got it. This changes everything… truly, I'm perplexed about what the correct move would be."
"Oh, c'mon, Mister Decisive Leader Guy, you really don't have a clue what to do?"
"Do you need me to make all the decisions for the both of us? Whether you get the credit you deserve for it or not, Johnny, by this point you are an equal half of this partnership."
"...Hm," Johnny grumbled. "Well, thanks for… that."
"Of course, Johnny," said the fox. "...In all seriousness, if you want to take the reins on this one, be my guest, because I'm genuinely stumped here. Yes, fine, you're right, a tenet of leadership is making quick, firm, wise decisions and sticking with them, but this is a strange dilemma and I don't feel quite comfortable making a rash decision just for the sake of exerting leadership."
Little John pondered that for a second. "...Aren't you the same guy who let a seven-year-old shoot arrows at security guards with you during the jailbreak?"
"I am, but that was also a strange situation and we both saw how that one turned out in the long run. That's what I'm hung up about. I don't fundamentally have an issue with passionate lads joining the fight, but seeing what happened to Skippy happen once makes me hesitant to risk that happening to another lad - or worse."
Johnny nodded, deep in thought. "...Do we have a choice?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Do we really have a choice if these kids tag along with us? It seems like they're not taking no for an answer. Like you said: they could be bullshitting us about where that money came from, but it had to come from somewhere. Is it theirs? Did they steal it from their parents!? Are they telling the truth!? One way or another, that's a lot of cash they could just as easily have kept for themselves! But they're choosing to give it to us just to impress us and make us think they're cool. Everybody else their age would probably think they're too cool to hang out with us, most teenagers think it's lame to care about things like making the world suck a little less, but these two kids… man, they want this."
Robin had his eyes cast upon the ground as he processed this. "Indeed… how often will we run into kids old enough to know what they're doing but not too proud to come along with us? Hm… and now I'm wondering, honestly, even if we tell these lads no, what's preventing them from just… following us around?"
"Exactly! It really feels like they're taking the frickin' bat out of our hands here."
But Robin was still deep in thought. "...But what if they did steal this money from their parents? That seems like something boys their age would do. Do you really want kids who'd do something like that with us?"
Johnny threw his arms up in frustration. "Are you intentionally telling me I'm allowed to make a decision for us before confusing me even more just so you can give me the illusion of choice so I won't feel so bad about being your dipshit little sidekick while you're in charge of everything!?"
"No, I-"
"Because that would be a genius fucking strategy."
"I'm not that smart, Little John. And I'd like to imagine I'm not that sadistic to my friends, even if my lineage would have me be." The fox took a deep breath. "...Is there any way we could get them to prove their story?"
"What, you wanna phone this Kevin kid's parents up and ask if they've been ransacked recently!?"
"...We could do that-"
"Rob. We're not doing that. That would be nuts."
"You're the boss, Johnny."
"Hmph. Yeah, right…" But then the bear stopped and thought about the implications of the gift. "Wait… could we maybe…? They've only done half the job by getting that money, didn't they? If we can't get them to prove their story, maybe we can get them to prove they actually want to join us for the right reasons."
A sly smirk came across the fox's face. "...Ah! I see your point, Johnny! Maybe the accuracy of the story isn't important! Perhaps all four of us have forgotten what really matters about our work!"
Keep in mind that Robin and Johnny were just on the other side of a line of hung-up clothes plus another ten feet or so and that the fox and the bear had moderately and severely deep voices, respectively, which consequently carried through the thin and incomplete barrier of fabric. Ed and Eddy didn't hear it all at full volume, but they heard a good chunk of it just fine. And the little fox had been fuming, overhearing that these two badasses clearly didn't buy their tale, telling himself it was all Ed's fault due to the cub's complete lack of composure under pressure making their fib abundantly obvious, and he was about to wallop the stupid mauler right between the legs (Eddy didn't want to do something as emasculating as hit another guy in the balls, but with their respective statures, Eddy couldn't reach for much else - and a punch to the gut wouldn't have hurt enough) right when he heard the Merry Men allude to giving the boys a chance to "prove they were in it for the right reasons." Eddy had no idea what the heck they meant by that, so he waited quietly and patiently for them to come back and pitch their proposal.
The fox walked mostly upright under the clothesline while the bear keeled straight forward to duck under it. They both looked very satisfied with whatever conclusion they'd arrived at.
"Alright, lads!" Robin declared. "We were very impressed with how you procured all that money for a good cause! But I believe that amid all that excitement of the hunt and chase, we all lost sight of what that good cause actually is!"
"Uhhh… come again?" asked Eddy, unable to hide his confusion.
"Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know this one!" Ed exclaimed as he jumped up and down in excitement. "It's to help poor people be less poor!"
"That's right, big guy!" remarked the even bigger guy as he offered his fellow ursid a high five.
"Uh… y-yeah, I-I knew that…" Eddy mumbled bashfully.
Ed leaned over to brag to his little friend, smiling smugly. "See, Eddy? I knew something you didn't know!"
"Because… hey, let's just be real," Little John continued, wearing a cool smirk of his own, "we were your age once, wouldn't be outta the realm of possibility that you two just wanted to hang with us because you got a kick outta taking advantage of people, could be entirely possible that you two didn't give a rat's ass about charity and you just wanted to join us because you're another couple a' teenage psychopaths who just want an excuse to victimize strangers!"
"But we're starting to believe that you two might just be genuine in your intentions!" said Robin. "But just to make sure - because Robin Hood and Little John are no fools, lads! - we invite you: instead of following us as we help our community, come and lead us in using this money to help your community!"
Eddy was confused all over again. "...Whaddya mean 'help our community'?"
The Brit gave a playful scoff. "Isn't it obvious, lad!? Instead of using this money as a donation to the poor in the city, we'll use it to help people out here! We know the suburban dream isn't quite what it once was, boys; we're certain people in Peach Creek are struggling, too. And since you two know your community much better than we do, you're welcome to lead us to where those struggling people are!"
...The fuck? Poor people in Peach Creek? Yeah, they existed, but was it worth seeking them out? The only places he could think of where you could find high concentrations of impoverished people there were either the crappy apartments in the town center or… oh, he certainly wasn't going to that other place.
"Well… heh… not a bad idea, guys," Eddy insisted, "but really, Peach Creek ain't doin' too bad, people there'll be fine, there ain't even that many poor neighborhoods if you could even call them that-"
But then Johnny said the thing: "Ain't there a trailer park literally right next to the junkyard we met you kids in?"
"That's right, there is that trailer park right there, isn't there!?" Robin beamed as he looked up at the bear, then turned to face the boys. "How's that sound-? Er… lads, why do you look so… spooked?"
And Ed and Eddy did indeed look like they had just seen a phantom.
"Um… just, uh… y'know, always heard bad things about that place!" said Eddy. "Lots of drugs, lots of drunks, lots of fistfights, lots of people firing off shotguns for no reason-"
"Well first you must ask yourself how much of that is fiction and how much of it is fact," said Robin with a wise man's tone. "And then realize that even if the rumors aren't in the least bit overblown, maybe those people misbehave because they're stuck in this situation with nobody bothering to help them out. That's where we come in to give them hope because we understand that they didn't choose this life and that they have no motivation to behave themselves because it doesn't help them any more than behaving badly! Yes, Eddy, these people will be bitter and jaded and it'll be hard for them to trust you at first because they've rarely been able to trust anyone - and that's why we'll teach you how to win them over!"
Eddy's brain wasn't retaining a word of this. He was just thinking about how much he didn't want to go to that trailer park.
"And honestly, this is the perfect place to practice!" said Little John. "Because c'mon, if ya can't handle a trailer park in the suburbs, how ya gonna handle a housing project in the hood? Guys, we have a vested interest in making sure you two aren't in any danger. We'll be with you every step of the way! Just in case… you might get told off by some naysayers, but I can't imagine anybody'd be crazy enough to hurt you-"
But Ed had heard every single word.
"They WILL try to hurt us!" he hollered in fear. "They'll try to hug us and kiss us and snuggle with us and tickle us with a feather and tongue-kiss us and play footsies with us and give us hickeys and eskimo-kiss us and feed us their home cooking and make us watch lovey-dovey movies and butt-kiss us-!"
"Wait, wait, timeout!" Johnny interrupted with his paws up in a chill out there expression; the duo gave each other a glance of disgust and confusion to confirm to each other that they were hearing this correctly before they turned back to the boys. "Is there… is there an actual child molester living in that trailer park? Has he done something to you guys!?"
Eddy realized that as the more eloquent one, the Merry Men were both looking at him for an answer. "Uh… not… not exactly -"
"Or to someone you know then!?" asked Robin, eyes popped open in genuine fear. "Or someone else in the past and now he's just living there like a monster in your neighborhood!?"
"Uh…"
"WAIT!" Robin snapped his fingers and turned to Johnny. "I've got it! This is the geezer who the wolf boy was hinting at! Asking us what we'd do if we saw evidence of abuse! He wasn't talking about his parents, he was talking about this neighbor!"
"Um…"
"Holy SHIT!" Little John bellowed as it all started to make sense to him. He went over to the tree where his staff leaned against, picking the stick up and patting it repeatedly into his palm like a dirty cop with a baton. "Kids! Where's this guy live!?" he demanded as he started off in the general direction of the trailer park. "I'm gonna fucking kill him! ...Or her, women can be pedophiles too these days-"
"They're shes!" Ed yelped, not having calmed down one iota this whole time. "All three of them! The Kanker sisters! They want to hurt Ed, Edd, and Eddy!"
"Sisters!?" Johnny stopped in his tracks. "There's multiple of them!?"
"Are these like some middle-aged spinsters who could never find a man and now they prey upon adolescent boys!?" Robin hypothesized.
But Eddy finally found the composure to clarify this confusion: "Um… they're… not… adults… They're our age."
Robin and Johnny stared at Eddy in complete silence for a good few seconds. Then Robin started laughing. Loudly.
"Ohhh, ha ha…! I get it now!" the fox guffawed. "These lads have a crush on these young ladies and they're afraid to talk to them!"
"WHAT!?" the boys yelped in unison.
"No, no!" Eddy stammered. "They have a crush on us!"
Robin kept chuckling. "Very well then, let me revise that: you lads are afraid to reciprocate!"
"But we don't want them!" Ed cried. "They're mean and they fight and they smell funny and they tie us up and-"
"Tie you up!?" Robin found this amusing. "What species are these girls that they can overpower a big bloke like you?"
"A coyote, a raccoon, and a possum," answered Eddy, sounding irritated. "And before you ask, we think they're adopted or stepsisters or something."
Robin did indeed seem confused by the fact that three sisters belonged to three different species, but as for the claims the Eds were making, Rob was pretty sure he had that one figured out. "Ed, my good man, I don't mean to dismiss you, but you've shown yourself to have a very vivid imagination, and while that can certainly come in handy, I think you might be exaggerating these girls' actions whether you know it or not."
"No, this isn't just Ed being a hyperactive retard again who thinks that everything that scares him is a sci-fi movie monster!" Eddy protested. "These three psycho chicks have actually kidnapped us and held us against our will more than once!"
But Robin just kept chuckling and shaking his head, eyes closed as he imagined such a fantastical sight. "Ah, yes, I'm sure it can be scary when a young girl's idea of flirting with you is to try to bind your legs with her jump rope in the schoolyard - Johnny, why the long face?"
No, Dear Reader, that wasn't a lapse in narration details, Johnny had not been laughing with Robin, instead having been glaring at the fox all throughout.
"I believe these kids wholeheartedly," he said with… was that a faint growl in his voice? "Have you forgotten that it's entirely possible for girls to harass boys? For girls to hurt boys!?"
Robin was a little less cheerful upon seeing how steamed his friend was, but it wasn't like the fox was looking apologetic or anything. "Oh, I know it's possible, but it's not very easy and it's not very common. Could they not be exaggerating? It's possible, surely, but I can't lie and pretend I'm not skeptical."
"If? The fuck you mean, if?" He gestured to the boys with both arms. "Look at them! Do they look like they're anxious about talking to girls? Or do they look scared for their fucking lives?"
Robin looked upon them again, and… he had to admit, he couldn't tell which it was.
Meanwhile, Eddy found it painfully ironic that he'd usually want these guys to think he was a badass, but if looking like a scared little kid was what he had to do to get out of going to the trailer park, then he'd gladly do it.
"...You know what?" Robin finally said. "I can see it going either way. Perhaps they're scared to death because they're just that nervous. And as the responsible adults here trying to be these boys' role models, I propose…" He walked over to where his bow lay and picked it up to make a declaration. "...we should go investigate!"
Johnny was incredulous. If Robin was serious, this was an even worse take than when he suggested that you can't be a true hero unless you had the skill and confidence to charm the girl of your dreams. Seriously, was Robin just… forgetting about something important from his friend's past? Little John kind of wanted to ask Robin point-blank whether that story had completely slipped his mind, but Johnny didn't want to bring it up in front of the kids, it would just be too unnerving - or they might make fun of him for it, that was also a possibility if they were sick enough. Instead, the bear just waltzed over, leaned over the fox to physically express that he was looking down on Robin's philosophy and actions, and made clear:
"If I go… it's to protect these kids in case these girls are as crazy as they make them out to be. And to teach these girls that they can't just be treating boys like that."
"Johnny, that makes it sound like you're prepared to physically harm some young girls."
"I hope it doesn't come to that! I definitely don't want to! But I have a personal disdain for people who exploit double standards, and if these boys did to these girls what these boys are saying these girls did to them, these guys would be in juvie right now."
"And I understand that, Johnny, but… honestly, the way you're talking makes it sound like you distrust women, and you won't ever get a good woman if they pick up that you have it out for their entire gender."
Little John rolled his eyes. "It's not women I distrust, it's aggressively horny women I distrust." It really did seem to him that Robin had forgotten about Johnny's past experiences with similarly aggressively horny women, and that was just making the bear more frustrated.
Robin, unable to quell his cheerful ways, couldn't resist making a quip that would have been flattering in literally any other context: "Well, to a dreadfully handsome bloke like you, any woman would be an aggressively horny woman!"
"Are you not taking this fucking seriously!?"
"Yeah, I don't think he is!" Eddy cut in. "This ain't a case of us being pussies around girls we wanna fuck, these girls are actually fucking dangerous to everybody in our neighborhood whether they have the hots for someone or not! That's just how much these girls-"
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen… please, calm yourselves," Robin pleaded, still smiling. He turned to his friend: "Johnny, I don't deny, you make good points, and if we need to be there to teach these girls a lesson - in a way that is respectful and appropriate for adult men to teach a lesson to teenage girls, I will say - then yes, we should be there to have these boys' backs, and good on you for volunteering to help them! But if these lads are paralyzed by their fear of the fairer sex… then it's our responsibility to help them overcome their fear and learn how to charm these ladies, is it not!? And hey…"
Robin gestured for Johnny to bring his head in closer; Little John was still annoyed, but he obliged. The fox whispered into the bear's ear:
"...Helping these lads with their girl troubles might help me figure out how to approach Marian again. I really think it will." The two backed up a little and looked at one another. "I know you have your hangups with women, Johnny, but… won't you please do this for me? And I think this experience with strange women might be good for you, too, and I'll have your back just as we'll both have theirs."
Okay, now, see, statements like that made it seem like maybe Robin did remember Johnny's history with females like this, but Johnny still couldn't tell. Well, since being a loyal friend was the only thing Little John knew for certain he was somewhat good at, he felt a moral obligation to be a loyal friend to this madman. "Ugh… fine," he groaned. There Robin went again making the decisions for the both of them.
"Splendid! You do it for me… I'll do it for you… and we'll both do it for them!" Robin turned to Ed and Eddy, looking proud of having come to a conclusion yet again. "So it's settled, lads! We're going to personally help you in figuring those girls out, and we're going to do some good deeds along the way! What do you think, boys?"
The kids stared at the outlaws expressionlessly.
"I think Future Ed looks like Smokey the Bear," Ed noted.
And if you were paying close attention, Dear Reader, you may have noticed that the Merry Men never actually did get a chance to finish getting dressed, so… yeah, wearing his jeans with no shirt, the big brown bear really did look like ol' Smokey, as Little John himself realized as he looked down upon his body.
"Er… duly noted, Ed," said Robin, "but how are you two feeling about the plan?"
"Oh, I'm not going," the young fox replied firmly.
Robin just crossed his arms and smirked. "And if you don't want to, you don't have to, Eddy, but if you do want to join our merry band of misfits… we've named our price," he said with his eyebrows raising.
"...Seriously?"
"I kid you not."
Eddy looked up at his ursine friend to check in on how he was doing.
"I'm scared, Eddy!"
The fox turned back to his vulpine counterpart. "Aaand… you swear you're gonna make sure they don't even lay a finger on us?"
"Not unless you change your mind and decide you want them to!" Robin was still smiling confidently.
"Ain't gonna happen."
"Then we won't let them touch you!" Johnny butted in. "You're with us now. We take care of our own."
If he wasn't in the presence of people who he trusted wouldn't think less of him for this, he wouldn't have done it, but Eddy put both his paws on one of Ed's to try to calm him down; it seemed to work a little.
"This is gonna suck, but if that's what we gotta do, we'll do it."
"That's the spirit, lads!" Robin beamed.
Johnny nodded. He'd talk to Robin later about his being a wee bit tone-deaf regarding the whole female-on-male stuff, save it for after this challenge was completed so as not to muddy the mood with such downer talk. "But, uh… mind if we finish getting dressed first?"
"Uh… sure…" Eddy mumbled as he led Ed away by the paw to give the bandits some space; the little kit still looked anxious, but the big cub still looked catatonic with fear. Meanwhile, the Merry Men searched the clothes on the wire and on the ground for some shirts to wear.
"...Thank you for helping me help these lads, Johnny," Robin said after a moment. "And I really do think this will be a good experience for all of us!"
"Eh, don't mention it," Little John murmured as he examined his green shirt once emblazoned with the insignia of a Philadelphia football team. "...It's a good thing those kids didn't find us when we were walking around naked, though."
"Or when we were having our little tickle fight."
"Or when I was leaning over to give you a pep talk to your face and our faces were, like, two inches apart."
"Or at any point when we're sleeping in close quarters in that van."
"Or whenever we called each other handsome."
"Or when you were giving me the Heimlich maneuver, or really any other time you've picked me up and held me like a soft-toy."
"Or all the times we've said shit like 'I love you, brother.'"
"Or heaven forbid they somehow saw us at Geoff's place kissing each other for the express purpose of skeeving him out."
"Or if they found us in the woods on Saturday comparing our cocks."
"Or that."
"If those kids saw us doing any of that and honest-to-God thought we were gay, I wouldn't even be able to blame them."
"I'm beginning to think we ought to intentionally act a little less secure in our masculinities just so we don't completely alienate them."
"Yeah, maybe we should chill out with the whole 'we know we're not gay and we're comfortable doing things other people might think are gay just because we think it's funny that everyone's so hung up about things that aren't even sexual' thing. At least when the boys are around."
"Agreed."
