65. "Off to the Races"

*A.N* Hiya, peeps. Really quick, I'd like to draw attention to something involving the previous chapter.

In Chapter 64, which I posted on March 17, 2022, a man who is very powerful in his community walks onto a stage and assaults a comedian to defend the honor of another person, assuming he would get away with it because of his physical superiority and social stature, to which some supported him but for the most part eliciting massive negativity and disapproval.

Well, on March 27, 2022, a man who was very powerful in his community walked onto a stage and assaulted a comedian to defend the honor of another person, assuming he would get away with it because of his physical superiority and social stature, to which some supported him but for the most part eliciting massive negativity and disapproval.

You saw it here first, folks.

By the way… I've been having a lot of thoughts about this fic these last few months. The downside of being involved with a work like this for the long-haul is that sometimes you just aren't in love anymore with the decisions you made years ago. At the moment I'm seriously debating taking a break after we hit the 1M word mark (likely in ch67, which would be a good pausing point) and giving this story a MAJOR retooling and rewrite. I… don't know if it would help or hurt the fic, but goddammit, as of this writing, I really want to do it. There's just a very, very big element of this story that I'm frankly embarrassed by as of late, but I could probably tweak it in a way that works if I'm careful with it - which of course I would be. I don't think I'm actually going to go through with it simply because I don't think it would be the best use of my time, but… we'll see how I'm feeling once I actually get to that point.

But who knows, maybe I'll have another change of heart and this will one day be a strange artifact of a thing I was going through. But now, on with your feature presentation:

Believe it or not, Dear Reader, Mayor John Norman actually did not even attempt to do anything to manipulate the media.

I know, it's weird, isn't it? That just sort of seems like the kind of thing you'd expect him to do. But no, he didn't coerce local news outlets into praising him, nor did he bully them into quelling criticism of him. He actually had a personal rule against it. Strangely enough, this had been something he'd learned from his brother when Rich was receiving criticism during his time in office: the golden rule that if you have to control what they say about you, you're a tyrant. And Prince John actually did take that to heart and never allowed himself to make his desires for power that obvious. He still would have much preferred that the media didn't eternally mock and criticize him, of course, but this served to also set an admittedly very healthy goal for himself: get them to love him so much that they wouldn't want to criticize him.

But this is John the Worst we're talking about here, so they criticized him like it was a game to them to get in the most devastating remark they could - which to the news-writers and editorialists, it probably was. The TV news didn't share many opinions on him one way or another mostly just because that wasn't really something that local affiliates did, but the printed and online news? Hey, if a lion loses his mane when he's deficient in testosterone, some in Nottingham joked that he'd lost his Y chromosomes from how frequently the press kicked him in the crotch. And in some ways, it was beautiful: you had the Nottingham Times-Tribune and the Nottingham Towne Crier, the Times-Tribune being a left-leaning publication where Crier readers joked that NTT writers didn't care if their papers sold because they were communists who saw turning a profit as a moral failure, the Crier being a right-leaning publication where Times-Tribune readers joked that Towne Crier writers probably thought the Nuremberg Trials were too vindictive, but they both took shots at him left, right, and center at every opportunity. But still, when they did, the fact remains that John Norman allowed them to say whatever they said and did nothing to try to stop them.

Of course, he would still retaliate when the journalists of Southern Delaware dared to exercise that right. But even when he did that, he never outright said something to the effect of I am not to be criticized or anything excessively haughty and vaguely threatening like that. He shot back more or less in accordance with the rules of sanity. Take, for example, this scathing remark levied against him in the October 3, 2002 edition of the Times-Tribune by columnist Elizabeth Aardsma:

"I would not go so far as to say that John Norman is so utterly, profoundly inept at his mayoral duties that you would have better luck remedying this city's ailments by walking into Caesar Rodney Elementary School in Hermosa Park - or any of the other underfunded and downright neglected grammar schools on the city's West Side - and picking any one of the many first-graders who still cannot read confidently and tasking that one child with fixing everything, but I would absolutely wager that you would have better results trying to find solutions to Nottingham's problems by taking two or three or four of those illiterate six- and seven-year-olds and having them put their heads together to brainstorm ideas for ten minutes than you would giving John Norman a thousand days to ruminate about it."

Damn, she got him good, right? Well, how do you think ol' Johnny Boy responded to that? Not in the classiest way ever, to be sure, but probably classier than you'd ever imagine: he publicly responded by questioning why Aardsma would choose to be so mean-spirited. He made a passionate but controlled rebuttal that his public refusing to support him would do little to inspire him to be a good leader to them, and even took issue with the part where Aardsma suggested that West Side kids were dumber than their counterparts in the rest of the city just because they were poor and that Elizabeth shouldn't be assuming that a child who was attending Caesar Rodney Elementary was barred from being a political prodigy just because of the circumstances of his or her birth (which… fair point, actually, and Aardsma actually received a fair amount of backlash for what could have been seen as classist statements). It may have been an argumentative fallacy, but the mayor had indeed turned the tables on her.

Yes, the responses to Prince John's rebuttal ranged from Well THAT was a pretty lame comeback to Hey, people wouldn't be criticizing you if you were good at doing your job, which entails serving your city even when they don't like you to Dude, most of us aren't even voting for you and we have no idea how you keep getting reelected, and of course there was the metacriticism of how it showed poor leadership that the mayor was getting so flustered over an editorial in the newspaper in an era where most people no longer even read the newspaper, not to mention the added accusations of subconscious chauvinism in the way that Prince John got hit-pieces like this thrown at him all the time but seemed to go especially off on a female journalist after going easy on a bunch of males. But at the end of the day, the wannabe-tyrant lion had had enough restraint to begrudgingly accept that until he was succeeding at making the people love him, they could and would openly hate him. He knew it was his job to become a leader who would inspire their devotion if that was what he wanted - he sucked ass at attempting to achieve this goal, but he at least recognized that was what his goal should be. He definitely didn't threaten to throw any of these naysayers in jail or anything.

…So perhaps you can imagine, Dear Reader, how much Prince John flipped the fuck out when he found out that his most trusted lawman had taken the liberty of arresting a naysayer on his name.

The lion was fuming that Saturday morning as he and his assistant got prepared to step out onto the back balcony of the mayoral mansion where they held emergency press conferences. He really did need the rage to fuel him, since he'd been up all night undoing all the mess that his sheriff had made, and now he had to somehow appear calm and collected as he explained to the media that he'd seen to it that Woodland's decision was to be invalidated. And while the reporters were understandably skeptical at first, a quick consultation with the Nottingham City & County Police Department showed that Prince John had indeed actually put in the legwork to do some damage control.

-IllI-

"Och, of course that tod couldn't wait five minutes before takin' ye to bed!"

"Oh, hush, Klucky!" Marian chided in reply; she was giggling, but some part of her was genuinely annoyed that her friend was still being so cynical when she was just trying to be happy.

And since the vixen hadn't gotten much sleep that night, it was that happiness that was fueling her this strange Saturday morning. Sometime around ten or so, after Toni and Terry had retired upstairs, Robin had borrowed his host family's phone to call Marian a taxi, the driver receiving handsome payment up front. She got home expecting to be wrung out by her uncle, but much to her surprise, thanks to some new developments, her love life turned out to be the least of the lion's worries. Annie was already asleep and too tired to fully wake up, so Mari saved her recap for the morning, which had now arrived, finding the two ladies sitting across from one another on the edges of their respective beds.

"But why are ye tellin' me to hush, lass? Is that not what the lad did!? By all ye've said, Mari, it sounds like he couldn't wait five minutes to take ye to his room and shag ye!"

"Oh, he did not shag me!" Marian protested through her embarrassment, taking a tube sock off the end table and whipping it at the defiant ewe.

"Then what did ye do in his bed?" defied the ewe

"We just… laid there." Marian was starting to clam up as she realized in real time that the truth was so lame that it was almost unbelievable. "We simply… hugged and kissed… and talked…"

"Did ye keep your pants on?"

"Yes!" Then she had to think about it. "…Though it was a bit warm in the room, so we took our shirts and trousers off-"

"And yet ye didn't go any further than that," Annie summarized skeptically.

"Truthfully, Klucky, Robin wasn't having a laugh in his letter, his arm is freshly broken and I don't know how physical we could have gotten. If anything, the moment was interrupted because he had to step outside and ask his friend for more painkilling drugs and they had a bit of a spat over whether he needed any more."

This was enough to at least get the sheep to mellow out on the criticisms. "Ah… poor lad. I don't wish that upon anyone."

"Agreed. So no, Annie, we didn't… er, we made out for a bit but we didn't do anything more mature than that-"

"Oh, he's not that mature, alright." (Okay, Annie couldn't resist that one.)

"Klucky!"

"So what kind of things did the two of ye talk about?"

Marian was silent for a moment, running her paws over the bed she sat on as she recalled the details. "Just a brief catch-up on what we've missed of each other. Not the full stories, by any means, neither of us wanted to mention anything that would kill the mood; I asked him plainly what had happened to his arm, but he insisted I didn't worry about it. He just said he and his friend Johnny were doing better after a rough spot there and that my being back in his life was surely a good omen."

The sheep rolled her eyes.

"Annie!"

"I just hope he's aware of how lucky he got that he found a lass like you who falls for that sappy stuff."

The fox glared just a little at her. "At least I am enjoying my time with him, that's all that should matter."

And that just happened to be the right combination of words to make Annie lay off, be more supportive of her friend… and ask the money question:

"...Was he as ye remembered him?" she asked, her face now softened.

And this made the vixen's face soften in turn. "...He was just the same as I remembered him…" she murmured with an air of bittersweetness, turning to stare at the carpet for a moment and just envision him once again, still the same tod she'd first fallen in love with.

Kluck nodded peacefully. "So what did you tell him?"

Mari shrugged. "I've not much good news to report, now have I? I just told him that I'd been working as a maid for a congressman's family when Uncle John called me and you back to Nottingham to be his assistant, can't imagine why. He asked how my acting career was going, and I told him I've not done much of interest, but he said he always stopped by the theatres and cinemas to see if I'd been cast in anything big yet, and that he would gladly risk being caught in the open if it meant he could see me on a stage or in a film, even if it were a bit role and I didn't even have a speaking line."

To this, Annie audibly groaned and buried her face in her hooves.

"Annie, seriously, that's quite enough of your negativity."

"Mari, Mari, lass!" the sheep pleaded. "I'm as happy as I can be that you're happy with your tod - I'm simply allergic to lines that cheesy!"

Now it was the vixen's turn to roll her eyes as she shook her head. "Well, Klucky, you'll have the chance to tell him that yourself tonight!"

This got exactly the showstopping reaction Marian was expecting out of her friend.

"...Enlighten me, lass."

The fox smirked a foxy smirk. "Well, there was so much we didn't have time to discuss last night, so you and I have a double-date set with the lads!"

And while Annie did keep that stunned, silent look for a few more seconds, it soon melted away into a look of this is stupid. "And how exactly are we meant to both sneak out tonight with Johnny home?"

Marian gave a scoffing chuckle at the silly question. "I can't help but notice that you're not even put off by me dragging you into a date and you're simply questioning the logistics of it. Are you glad I set it up? Do you think you already know who the fourth member will be?"

"That was my next question, but the question of how this could even work took priority!"

"Well, Klucky, did Ra'Quan come back with an armful of merchandise after losing track of me yesterday?"

"Yes, and grouchy old Johnny berated him for taking his eyes off ye and sent him to look for ye all over the city! The only reason he forgot to follow up on it is because stupid Eddward gave the two a ye's a diversion! You got lucky, Mari!"

But the fox remained patient. "But he came back with a bunch of stuff, did he? Did you see any of it?"

"Yes, and he was going to put it in here but there was hardly any room for it, so I told him to put it in the basement!"

The vixen smirked again. "...Was there a giant sailor teddy among the goods?"

And the ewe's face twisted in fear when she saw where this was going. "...Mari, no-"

"That was supposed to be a gift to you so you wouldn't feel so alone, but seeing as now you'll have a chance to be with the real thing-"

"Marian," Annie repeated sternly, "I can't. Ah cannae do that to the poor lad. We've discussed this, lass, I wasn't attracted to him for the right reasons, that wouldn't be fair to him-"

But Marian couldn't contain her laughter. "Klucky, Klucky, calm yourself! We weren't truly forcing the two of you into a blind date. We simply want some extra eyes and ears around for security, and you and he would certainly make a good pair of bodyguards!" She finished with a coy shrug: "And if some genuine romance blossoms because of it, well, the more, the merrier!"

This did work to mellow the sheep out, Kluck now smirking herself. "So he and I won't be a pair, yeah? So it'll be you and I on date night alongside the lads on theirs?"

Mari giggled and whipped Annie with the sock again. "Oh, Klucky, you're hilarious!" (The vixen had a hunch by now about the ewe's true feelings in that regard, but they each knew each other's boundaries.)

"But seriously, lass, how are we meant to get out of Johnny's sight?"

"You know, now that you have two John's in your life, and the one you like doesn't actually enjoy being called Little John as Robin tells me, perhaps it'd be best to start referring to them as Good Johnny and Bad Johnny-"

"Mari!"

"But anyway, Annie, truthfully I haven't the foggiest of how we'll get out of this house tonight, but my uncle seems frazzled and I've a feeling that we'll find an opportunity." And with that, Marian slid herself off her bed to start getting dressed.

"And if he snaps out of it!?" pressed the agitated ewe, feeling like she was appealing to deaf ears. "If he suddenly asks where were ye last night!?"

"You're talking to a fox, Klucky," Marian insisted as she started planning her outfit for that night. "We always figure something out!"

-IllI-

The fox could not remember the last time he'd woken up feeling as refreshed as he did that Saturday morning. The window behind him faced southeast, allowing the early sun to pierce through the blinds to greet his eyes when they fluttered open.

What a wondrous night that had been. It wasn't even that very much had happened, but just being able to lay there with her gave him such an overwhelming feeling of sheer bliss that he'd been beginning to believe he'd never feel again. To simply have a moment like that felt like an affirmation that all these years of hard work had been worth it: he'd succeeded, he'd made it home back into her arms, he'd become somebody worthy of her love.

He could just feel it: this was a harbinger of hope. This was the sign that things were soon going to get better for him. For them. For Nottingham. He wasn't gonna take it for granted like he had four years ago, this was gonna give him the boost he needed to finally get the job done. Little did the commoners of this city know, that vixen would be their true savior just by virtue of her existing in this world. And as he sat there in bed for the better part of an hour simply reflecting on the past twelve or so hours, it dawned upon him that, much to his surprise, he hadn't even had a dream about her when he'd finally fallen asleep. But then again, perhaps he hadn't needed to; he didn't need to see her in his fantasies anymore now that she was back in his reality.

It also dawned upon him that he had absolutely no idea where Little John was, and while that wasn't completely strange since his friend was surely kind enough to give the foxes their privacy even after they had split for the night, this was still his room too and Robin hadn't a clue where else the bear would be. He figured he ought to investigate, just as soon as he got sick of sniffing the sheets to get all the whiffs of her beautiful scent he could get.

But the mystery eventually solved itself. The deadbolt on the door to the rest of the house disengaged and the door itself opened very slowly, the bear's ears and snout visible before his eyes were as he quietly peeked around to see whether his friend was awake yet.

"Morning, Johnny," Robin greeted warmly, sounding like he was still in a splendid dream.

"Ah, mornin', sunshine!" his friend answered before squeezing himself through the door. "I was starting to wonder if you were ever gonna wake up!"

"Ah, but when my life's become like a dream, I simply don't know when to wake up!" Robin chuckled as he sat himself up in bed. "And my apologies, Johnny, I didn't mean to box you out of your own quarters. Where did you end up sleeping?"

"Aw, I was just in the living room," Little John explained as he sat himself on the edge of the bed. "I just straight told Toni and Terry that ya had a gal over, they understood. They let me crash on the couch."

"And you somehow fit on their couch?" Robin chuckled anew.

"Ehhh, let's just say I flip-flopped between sleeping sitting upright and getting acquainted with their carpet," Johnny shrugged in good humor.

"You know, you were more than welcome to come back in here once Marian departed," said the fox, "this is your home, too, now."

"Yeah, and I was gonna, but while you were walking her to her cab, I was in the bathroom, and by the time I was finally finished doing my business, you were already back and passed out in my bed."

Robin looked shocked for just a brief moment as he looked down at the mattress he was sitting on. Oh yeah, as part of the deal with Eddy's parents, Johnny would get a big bed for obvious reasons while Robin simply got a narrow twin-sized bed tucked into the opposite corner; Terry wasn't paying for two huge mattresses if he didn't need to. For understandable spatial and geometric reasons, the foxes had used the bear's bed to cuddle that night, but between his late-night fatigue and being lost in the fog of Cloud 9, Robin had gone right back into the larger bed without realizing he was leaving unlittle Little John without an adequate place to sleep. Well, that explained why this mattress wasn't sagging under the bear's weight… like, at all.

"I mean, I coulda just picked you up and put you in your own bed," Johnny continued, "but you just looked so peaceful. And I woulda felt really weird if I'da lifted you up just to find out you had an - ahem - a blood clot down south, especially since I know you two didn't actually do anything that dirty but came close… no pun intended. Oh, and thanks for not ejaculating in my bed before I even had the chance to use it myself."

One more chuckle from the fox, though this one seemed a tad embarrassed. "Oh, I wouldn't think of it. And there was never any need to get quite that passionate, just being able to feel one another was enough."

"Yeah, feeling each other all over, right?" Johnny teased.

Robin rolled his eyes. "But again, apologies for falling asleep in the wrong bed."

"Aw, I know you didn't mean nothin' by it," Little John said with a dismissive wave. "So… how's your girl doing?"

"Quite well, all things considered." Robin seemed to be looking around the room as he spoke, trying to envision what he saw the previous night and not simply remember what was said and heard. "Not much luck on the stage, but perhaps being a big fish in a smaller pond will do her well. And we're both in agreement that she's most assuredly been brought to this city as bait to catch me, but she did a pretty bang-up job of getting out of the sight of her assigned chaperone to get here, so she's still as capable of holding her own as she ever was."

His friend nodded in understanding. "Attagirl. So… what'd you tell her about us?"

Robin gave a tight nod to confirm that that was indeed a valid question. "I simply mentioned that you and I were doing well… didn't say a word about Alan or Tuck, and she didn't ask."

A brief moment of silence as they both understood what was logically missing from that roundup.

The fox sighed into his lap. "She's still under the impression my brother's in prison."

And the bear just nodded solemnly. "I understand, man."

Robin pulled his knees in to props his folded arms upon them and to rest his chin upon those. "...I need to tell her the truth."

"And that's gonna be a toughie," Little John admitted. "But you're right, she's gonna find out eventually, so rip that Band-Aid off sooner rather than later. And if you need any help when that moment comes, you know I've got your back, brother," he offered as he gave said honorary brother some solid pats on said back.

"And I appreciate it, Johnny, but this is going to have to be something I do on my own." And you don't know the half of it. He let out another sigh that bordered on a groan as he relaxed his legs and leaned back onto the pillows. "It is coming up on that time of year."

"I remember," his friend assured him, "I remember."

Robin nodded at the wall and stayed quiet for another moment before deciding he ought not ruin Little John's morning. "That said… I can end this with some good news!"

"Ah! Do tell!"

"You and I are scheduled to have a marvelous night out with the ladies tonight!"

The bear answered with a stern look of concern. "Rob, what did you do?" He intonated it more as a blunt statement than as a question.

A classic vulpine smirk came upon the fox's face. "I set us up on a date with Marian and Annie at a French restaurant across town, surely you'll agree it's not the maddest idea I've come up with."

The look of annoyed concern stayed strong. "I don't remember agreeing to this."

"And far be it from me to dictate all the plans between us, but Marian and I wanted to take this opportunity to do something like a normal couple that we've not had the chance to do in donkey's years! And we could stand to use a pair of bodyguards! Come now, old boy, I'll be footing the bill!"

"Uh, your money is my money, too, dude," Johnny said flatly.

Robin simply gave a scoffing laugh. "Well, I recall you and Annie having a grand old time at the party in Sherwood all those years ago, surely you'll have fun seeing her again! And Marian tells me she'd likewise be excited to see you!"

Now Little John just looked frustrated having to explain what was so silly about this. "Okay, sure," he conceded with his eyes pointed up and to the left, "but going somewhere out in the open where there's gonna be a lotta rich folks-"

"Well, pardon me for being stubborn, good sir, but Marian and I will be going tonight one way or another, our hearts are simply set on it. Whether you wish to be there to help us out if an altercation does break out between us and those miserly types just as you seem to be concerned about, is entirely up to you."

Johnny rolled his eyes before covering them with a paw. "What I'm tryna say, Rob… is that thanks to some news you slept through, things are kinda tense right now and I can all but guarantee a scuffle will break out."

Now that finally got Robin's attention and his confident smile started to fade. "Okay… I'll bite… what happened last night?"

His friend clearly didn't want to be the bear(er) of bad news, but accepted that this was his burden to bear and forced himself to bear and grin it (okay I'll stop now).

"So… you know who George Snarlin is?"

"Er… rings a bell, but I couldn't place his face or tell you why he's noteworthy."

"Uhhhv course you couldn't. Well anyway, he's a famous comedian who was having a show at a club downtown, one of his openers started talking shit about Prince John, and Ol' Bushel Britches - God knows what he was even doing there in the first place - he just happened to be in the audience, he took exception to someone shit-talking his boss, and he waltzed up on the stage to arrest the guy for supposedly inciting a riot."

"HE DID WHAT!?"

"Oh, it gets better! Because then, a riot actually broke out tryna stop him, and all of them got arrested, too! Props to the little squirrel dude, though, apparently he actually tried to stop Woodland from going through with it, but… y'know, squirrel, wolf."

"Oh, my God…"

"Yeeeup. But you know who didn't try to stop him? The place's management. One of 'em even told the crowd to back off and let Woody have his way with them, and - plot twist! - turns out she's the mom of the hyena kid who Elkins and Goldthwaite beat half to death! Turns out that family really is of suck-ups to authority!"

"This… this can't be," Robin stammered, looking worriedly about the room as if seeking validation that this was indeed reality. It felt like he'd woken up from a wondrous dream straight into a nightmare. "Is Chief Woodland mad!? This is a blatant violation of that comedian's rights, all to suppress dissent against the ruling class! Hell, I'm not even from this goddamn country and even my English arse knows this is a grossly unconstitutional overreach of power!"

"Sheriff Woodland now, remember? New title from the last probably-illegal thing he did. But what's funny about this is-"

"There's nothing funny about this, this is an outrage!" Robin hollered as he hopped up suddenly and came to stand on the mattress in what could only be described as an action pose. "So Prince John wants to break the stalemate and force us out of hiding!? Well then, he's done it! If we need to walk right into an obvious trap to free some innocent civilians, then that's exactly what we're going to do!"

Little John, however, was a bit taken aback by his friend's very sudden and vivacious showing of passion. "Uh… okay, that would usually be the right reaction to have to this, but-"

"Usually!? Johnny, have you lost your mind!? This is always the right reaction to such an injustice!" The fox jumped off the bed and got into the floor to reach for his bow and quiver. "Not since he arrested half of Nottingham over unpaid taxes has he done something this despicable! Well, if it's a fight he wants, it's a fight he's going to get!" The archery equipment was out, now he just had to dig for Little John's big fucking stick. "Shame on us for underestimating him and how drastic he'd get! Hell, knowing our luck, perhaps this time he and his men will actually take their caffeine pills and stay awake when they know bloody well we're coming!" The staff was extracted and Robin tossed it into the bear's paws.

And although Johnny caught it just fine, he still wasn't matching his friend's energy. "But what I'm tryna say is-"

"Argh, do we even bother waiting until nightfall this time!?" Robin tossed the quiver onto the bed but took his bow and started leaping to and fro, pantomiming the act of firing off arrows every which way at a rate that could give a machine gun a run for its money, all the while still thinking out loud. "I'm considering we say sod it and get ourselves down there right now! If the general public sees us, then good! Let them see us in action! Let the poor know we are here to defend them and let the rich know that we'll punch up if they dare punch down! Let them know for certain that there is someone in this city who will fight for justice if nobody else will! Let them all know the names of Robin Hood and Little John!"

"Aaand I'm lovin' the enthusiasm, slugger," Johnny began as Robin pretended to shoot him straight between the eyes, "but I wasn't done yet-"

"And if all goes well, we'll still be able to make our dates tonight and we won't even have to cancel our dinner plans!" the fox beamed as he jumped onto his own bed and struck a triumphant pose. "And if not… well then, Johnny, you may well get out of that obligation anyway!"

At this point, however, the bear just looked bored. "Rob, you're doing that shit again where you're not letting me talk."

Robin mostly kept his confident posture but did relax into a more humble look. "Ah, you got me fair and square there, old boy. I apologize, Johnny; what's on your mind?"

"Uh, the most important detail." Now Little John was wearing a sardonic smirk of his own. "So believe it or not… Prince John is with us on this one."

Robin was visibly baffled. "I… beg your pardon?"

"He agrees with us," Johnny continued, almost giggling at the absurdity of it. "He thinks it was incredibly fucked up that Woody did that and he just had a press conference on TV basically just to say that Bushel Britches is a dumbass. George Snarlin and a bunch a' his famous comedian friends bailed everybody outta jail and P.J. made the NPD drop the charges on all of 'em. So on that front… believe it or not, everything's fine. It all solved itself."

The fox seemed to be releasing any tension left in his body, but he was still taking a moment to process that this was real. "So… there's nobody to save from police custody."

"Ehhh, there's probably somebody in there over some petty bullshit, but no, no need for a mass jailbreak, we're good."

"Huh… interesting…" Robin murmured as he sat himself down on his new bed.

"I know, right?" the bear chuckled. "I guess even an evil sum-bitch like him has standards!"

"I suppose so…" The Englishman still looked zoned-out and faintly uncomfortable as he looked around the room, and it soon dawned upon him why he had the notion to worry. "Oh-! Deary me, I hope Eddy's parents didn't just hear me screaming about our real names and occupations."

"Oh, pfft," the Southerner scoffed, waving him off with a paw and a closed-eye grin. "They're sales-folks, remember? It's a Saturday, it's a business day for them! Besides, stupid Terry could hear you loud and clear and he'd probably just be agitated that you have a manlier voice than him. Don't worry, Rob, nobody heard a word you said."

"Well I heard everything you said!" the third member of the fox family noted from above. "Your big ass is basically talking right into my floor! And don't forget the air vents, I can hear you through those, too!"

"Eddy, it's only ten in the morning and you're thirteen, go back to bed!" the giant boomed back as he knocked calmly but firmly a few times on the ceiling that rubbed against his head, then looked back at his little friend. "So Eddy's still home, but that's all."

"Noted."

"But my point?" Little John sat down next to Robin on the smaller bed, which this time did sag under his weight. "The issue with the comedian getting arrested is fine now, but now a lot of people are pissed at the mayor for letting it happen, and then you got Johnny Boy's rich-bitch friends who're getting defensive over him because they also think Woody's a stupid piece a' shit and that P.J. shouldn't have to take the blame for it. That's what I'm thinking," he explained, leaning in towards his friend with a paw on the fox's shoulder, "that they're tense… and they're gonna be on high alert for a couple a' guys like us. So in my head… doesn't make sense to risk it just for a fancy dinner. A righteous jailbreak? Absolutely. A date that could wait a week? Not so much."

Robin was quiet for a moment as he considered what his friend had to say, nodding with a soft smile as he formulated a reply. "I understand your point of view entirely. On paper? Makes complete sense. You always have been the wise and thoughtful one between us, my better half in this mission of ours."

His friend looked suddenly just a tad embarrassed. "Uh… dude, I'm, like, ninety percent sure that phrase is supposed to mean a significant other."

"Well, it used to refer to good friends way back when and you know I'm an old soul!" the fox laughed. "But I have a plot twist of my own, Johnny: the restaurant isn't in the city where we'd more likely encounter Nottingham's high society! It's actually in Bayard!"

"Bayard!?" the bear shook his head violently to shake away the crazy notion. "Bayard's on the other side of the goddamn universe! Why'd you pick a place in Bayard?"

"Because Marian and I have both heard good things about it, such as how it's very good quality for a not-completely-ridiculous price and, since it's not in the glamor of downtown, it's somewhere a lot of Prince John's closest associates wouldn't be likely to frequent!"

Johnny looked kind of annoyed that Robin had made a good point, but he wasn't content to back down. "Okay, but how are we going to get all the way across town without a car? You're not in Europe anymore, ya dumb limey bastard, we don't fuck around with public transit over here."

"Ah, but we'll simply call upon someone who has one! If Otto or Geoffrey are busy, we can fetch a cab, no issue. Hey, we really ought to see if Terry can get us a good deal on a vehicle of our own! Can you say… Merrymobile!?"

As the fox tried to stifle his goggles, the bear just rolled his eyes.

"But at the end of the day, lad, I've already made the arrangements with Marian with no way to call off the plans shy of paying her a personal visit, and in my personal estimation, going to visit the mayoral mansion would be a much, much greater risk than going out to dinner at a place that's far off the beaten path. Am I making sense?"

Little John looked like he was resisting the urge to protest lest his friend accuse him of being a whiner. "This really means a lot to you to do this, doesn't it?"

"It means the world to me. I'd come to believe I'd never have a chance to have a romantic dinner with the love of my life again. I can hardly wait until tonight for it; I couldn't wait even another day." And with that, Robin put a paw on Johnny's knee to signal something personal. "And with all my heart, Johnny, I hope you'll one day be fortunate enough to be so madly in love that you'll come to understand this feeling yourself."

Welp, hard to say no to a face like that. "Man, either you really do love me like a brother, in which case I owe this to you… or you are damned good at manipulating me."

"Well, if it were the latter, would I ever tell you?" Robin giggled as he hopped off the bed. "Don't worry, Johnny, it'll be fun! It's going to be a great night!"

"So… what?" Johnny asked as he stood himself, careful not to bump his lofty head. "Me and her sheep friend just third- and fourth-wheeling on your intimate night?"

Only now did the classy Englishman look a bit awkward. "Er… it's going to depend on the seating arrangements available, but we were hoping the two of us and you two could have… adjacent, but separate tables."

Aaand Little John looked vexed all over again. "So you two really are forcing the two of us into a date. Is she okay with this? The sheep chick?"

"Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny," Robin cooed, "no one is forcing either of you to treat this as a date. Just look at it as a nice get-together with an old friend, everybody remembers how well you two got on at the party in Sherwood! Just recapture that chemistry!"

"And the fact that everyone else in the restaurant is gonna think we're an odd couple on a date?"

The fox tsk-tsked him. "Johnny, such anxieties are a form of narcissism: nobody's thinking about you as much as you are."

"And her?" the bear persisted. "If she's uncomfortable because it feels like a blind date!?"

"Johnny, Marian assures me, Annie remembers you fondly and would love to see you again!" And he knew he shouldn't say this, but he couldn't resist: "And who knows? Perhaps by the end of the night, you'll wish it were a date!"

"Pfff," Johnny scoffed, and would have thrown his arms up to convey ridiculousness if there were any room above his head. "Right, right, right, I'm gonna suddenly fall in love with a girl half my height and she's gonna suddenly get the hots for a big, fat, ugly, scary monster predator. Mmhmm. I'll believe it when I see it."

"Oh my God, Johnny, you're not ugly and a great many women would actually say that your attractiveness blows me out of the water! You're a mountain of muscle, likely more raw meat on your bones than my entire body weight several times over… and God knows any heterosexual woman loves a man with a strong, healthy bum!" And with that, he reached over and gave his friend a playful smack on his abundant ass.

Upon the sudden touch, Johnny flinched, yelped, and jumped a little; he probably would have hit his head on the ceiling had it not already been rubbing upon it.

To this, Robin regretted his action and cringed remorsefully. "Oh! Sorry, lad, I didn't mean to…"

But the fox trailed off as he realized the bear was laughing. "Naw, naw, you got me fair and square! But now I owe you one!"

And Little John leaned over to repay the favor, causing Robin to jump in surprise himself, and the two idiots were guffawing like kids once again.

"Ah, I'd love to keep this going, Johnny, but if we hope to make our commitment tonight, we can't just sit around and twiddle our thumbs! We have work to do!"

"Oh? And what work would that be?"

"Well, I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment, and I'm far too much of a gentleman to dine-and-dash at such a fine establishment where the wait staff will surely be depending on my gratuity, so I say…" He paused to grab his bow again and slide his head and his busted arm through the quiver strap. "...how's about we earn our meal?"

Little John simply responded by grabbing his big fucking stick, standing it up so it nearly reached the ceiling. "Now that, Rob, I can get behind."

They were not actually strapped for cash. Both of them knew this.

-IllI-

"Alright, sign this."

The cop didn't even look at him as he slid the document across the table.

"Uh… what exactly does this say?" The wolf knew that the preferable solution to this question was to read the papers himself, but there were a lot of words on them, and even if they weren't written in Legalese, it certainly seemed like the department was trying to railroad him out of there along with all the others they'd arrested the previous evening.

"If you sign it, we'll officially drop the charges levied against you, but you surrender your right to press counter-charges against us." The ram officer was giving him a side-eye as he explained the deal very unenthusiastically, fussing with some other paperwork. "And that means Sheriff Woodland, any other officer you might have encountered, or the NPD as an entity in itself."

Kellen, however, was a comedian, and even when he wasn't trying to be funny, he was conditioned to ask the tough questions: "...Well, what if I don't sign it?"

Another, angrier side-eye. "...Then you're admitting you were consciously seeking to start a riot and we'll continue to press charges against you for that."

"But I didn't."

"Then sign the paper and we'll stop saying you did."

"But I want to press counter-charges against the sheriff."

The sheep just stopped whatever he was doing to give the wolf a straight-on look of really? "If you sign that paper, you're officially off the hook but you surrender your right to press counter-cha-"

"I understood that. So what if I don't sign the paper?"

"Then you can press counter-charges as you're being prosecuted for making a concerted effort to cause unrest."

"What if I want to walk out of here free because I didn't do anything illegal and then press charges against the sheriff for harassing me and treating me like I did something illegal?"

The officer looked aggressively bored. "George Snarlin already paid for your bail, so you can go right now if you like, but you'll still be put on trial because you didn't sign the papers saying you weren't consciously trying to start a riot."

"But it's at the cost of me signing away my right to fight back. I didn't agree to those terms."

"This is the compromise we're offering. Either take it or leave it."

"I don't recall agreeing to this compromise."

The ram just stared at him in silence for a few moments. Then before Kellen realized it, the cop was grabbing the papers and sliding them back off the table.

"NO, WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT!" the wolf yelped as he reached back to grab the document back, tearing the sheets of paper a little as he tugged perhaps a little too hard. He chuckled nervously as he took the provided pen (which naturally had barely any ink left in it) and signed away his freedom to fight back.

The officer took it and looked away from him again. "Alright, you're free to go," he said as he started to lead Kellen out of the room.

"Cool…" The wolf still couldn't believe this was all really happening, and it was a miracle he was able to think at all about what the next step after walking out of here would be. "Hey, um… do you guys have a phone I could use? I need a ride home."

"We have some payphones in the lobby. Otherwise, there's a bus stop across the street."

"Uh… what bus route? Where's it go?"

"Man, I dunno, I don't take the bus."

Kellen got to the lobby to find that a lot of other people arrested the previous night and released that morning also needed a ride home from the station, and the lines for the five payphones (not counting a sixth that presumably wasn't working because nobody was using it) were long and stretched in any direction they could go. He was about to try his luck with the bus before he realized he really didn't have any change on him and probably couldn't exercise either option. He was about to go find a 7-Eleven to break a twenty before somebody in the lobby recognized him, leading to several others recognizing him, leading to a large number of the people in the lobby seeking him out for the chance to personally commend him for his bravery. But just like the last night where he hadn't seemed the most gregarious as he and Todd Klass were greeting waiting guests in line at the Chuckle Bunker, his head was simply elsewhere. But the crowd's gratitude for his attitude paid off when one person who was up to bat at a payphone offered to put his own coins in so Kellen could call his ex. It would have been a nice moment if not for the cops in the precinct loudly telling the recently-released to shut the hell up, their warnings sounding like a palpable threat after what had happened the previous night.

He spent a while around the side of the building by the visitors' parking lot chain-smoking cigarettes as he waited, trying to use the nicotine to zone back into this plane of existence and somehow reconcile all the strange things that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. He was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice a familiar hatchback pull up right in front of him.

"DAD!"

"DADDY!"

Kellen dropped his cigarette on the spot when he heard those voices, snapping back into reality as he saw his girls hopping out of the car and not even bothering to shut the doors as they came running to him.

"AMELIA! EVELYN!" he called right back as he got down on his knees and let his daughters embrace him, all three of them unspeakably grateful that they still had each other. "Sorry Daddy smells like smoke, I needed an Icky Stick to calm down."

"Are you alright?" asked Amelia, the nine-year-old.

"Aw, I'm with you two now, aren't I?"

"Did you do something bad?" asked Evelyn, the six-year-old.

"Uh…" Papa Wolf had to stop and think about how to explain this to someone her age. "...let's just say, I don't think I did, most people who aren't crazy don't think I did, but… some powerful people think I did. Grown-ups don't always agree on right and wrong, honey."

The younger one clearly didn't look satisfied with that answer, but she was just happy to have her father after that scary news, and she buried her muzzle in his chest and hugged him tighter along with her sister. And as the pups embraced their dad, tails wagging vigorously, their mother approached them. While Jenna didn't think Kellen was good husband material, she still cared about him as someone she'd spent an important chapter of her life with, and she was just as glad as her children were that they hadn't lost their father.

"Kellen, I am so sorry," she said as she approached, sounding exasperated before she'd hardly even begun. "If I had heard the news, I would have been here last night, but I've just been so busy with the girls, we were just about to leave for their soccer games, I-"

"Jenna. Jenna. It's alright, it's alright," her ex-husband insisted as he stood up to face her, still keeping an arm around each of his girls. "You were busy being a good mom, I get it… Explains why they're wearing cleats, though."

She didn't look like she was going to forgive herself any time soon, but she seemed to recognize this wasn't her time to feel bad. "...What happened?"

"Yeah, Dad, what happened?" asked the oldest.

Kellen just seemed tired. "Uh… my understanding is that George Snarlin paid my bail and put in some calls to his famous comedian friends to bail out everybody else they arrested… the police dropped the charges on all of us, but they made us sign a thing saying we couldn't press charges against them for how they handled the situation."

"Okay, but…" Jenna was trying to remember the scant information he'd told her from the payphone. "What happened before that? You said they thought you were… inciting a riot!?"

He sighed and found himself wearing an ironic smirk. "Let's just say I just got a lot more fodder for stage material."

-IllI-

As for still another wolf all the way out in the suburbs, the only reason he'd heard of what happened at the Chuckle Bunker downtown the night before was because he was still holed up as a hermit, spending all his time in his room, much of it on the internet, where the story of mass arrests at a George Snarlin show was enough of a news story to be recommended to him during his casual browsing.

How did his parents feel about it? How did his mother feel about her brother's actions? He hadn't the foggiest. They were gone all day again for some work thing, having left before he woke that morning. There was no sticky note acknowledging what his uncle had done, begging whether Sammantha or Vincent even knew themselves amid their own busy schedules. And Edd had a funny feeling that when they did get home that evening, the last thing they'd want to talk about was Uncle Ward.

Ah, Dear Reader, I cannot fault you if you've completely forgotten what this dude was up to, and God knows that he'd nearly forgotten that himself. And I most certainly didn't just spend half an hour of my own life skimming through a story I wrote myself to remind myself what he'd been doing immediately before this because I was too embarrassed to call the guy up and ask for a refresher on this slower section of his story. Suffice it to say though that it was almost fitting, because he'd found himself coming to terms with forever being a passive and boring character who could only ever serve those greater and more heroic than himself.

That's why he'd agreed to produce those super-illegal fake IDs for the Merry Men: he was resigned to the fate that his best option for being a passable person was to acquiesce to whatever someone who was more successful at being a good person wanted him to do. That's why he allowed himself to attend Robin's impromptu charm school: that fox may have been a criminal, but he was tangibly making the world a better place more-so than Double-D was, so the wolf lad was morally obligated to fall in line with this superior creature's wishes. That's why he hadn't stopped thinking about Robin's argument that the meek were too weak to truly inherit the earth: while true that the Englishman had recanted, if the fact that he could hold an engaging sermon on social success was anything to go by, that fox was so goddamn magnetic that he'd probably already convinced plenty of people of that ideology, and as they say, perception is reality.

And this news about his Uncle Ward did nothing to comfort him. If anything, it made him feel vindicated in giving up on trying to be a good person. How the hell would he fight an evil like that? Like… in any way? Being the kind of good guy who fought with his mind wouldn't help him against an overpowering brute like his uncle - and he'd seen firsthand just how much of an overpowering brute that guy was. And Edd most certainly did not have it in him to be some sort of action hero that the forest bandits were, so that was out of the question. It just seemed more and more that he was right to accept he'd never be powerful enough to make this world a better place, as much as he would kill to.

Oh, that day when his house had been wrecked by the forces of good posing as evil fighting the forces of evil posing as good. It seemed so long ago already, even though it had only been a week; nearly everything damaged or destroyed in that row had been repaired or replaced already; in fact, as a reward for going an entire week without causing obscene amounts of property damage in the neighborhood with his idiot friends, Mr. and Mrs. Lupo had been kind enough to buy their son a new cactus, christened Jim II: Tim.

But that was probably going to be the day that Double-D would think about for the rest of his life whenever he thought of his uncle. Now, always, and forever, he would think about the time that he completely and irrevocably pissed off a man who he'd once loved perhaps more than he'd loved his own parents, and who had once loved him in turn; at which point, he saw the fury of that man and how he regarded his Li'l Pup as a dirty coward. Edd couldn't imagine what Ward had done to that poor comedian, and he definitely didn't want to think about what Ward would be capable of doing to him.

Whatever the young wolf boy was doing at the time is forgotten and irrelevant, which is why it was no big deal for him to stop doing it to go downstairs and answer the doorbell.

Double-D nearly had a heart attack when he noticed that it was a very large figure taller than the doorway itself waiting on the other side. But once the split second passed and he realized it was not his uncle, the wolf could calm himself and welcome his bear friend, who looked vaguely upset.

"Ed, are you alright?"

The big guy wasn't crying or anything, but it looked like he might if he stayed this bummed out for a while. "...I don't know, Double-D."

This was worrying. "Pl-please, Ed, come in."

The cub squeezed through the entryway and followed the wolf's lead to sit on the couch, where his friend sat down next to him.

"Tell me, Ed, what's troubling you?"

Ed could only keep his eyes on the floor. "Mister Johnny and Mister Rob don't wanna play anymore."

…Okay, now Double-D found this intriguing. He wasn't happy that his friend was so dismayed by this development, but he couldn't deny that this seemed like a reasonable decision on the adults' part. "...And why have they changed their minds, Ed? Did they tell you?"

The bear finally found the courage to face him. "They want to go do grown-up things and they say me and Eddy can't come along."

But of course, Ed, they should never have involved youths in their shenanigans in the first place. "My, Ed, I'm sorry to hear that, but rest assured…" The wolf swallowed his concerns about sanitary matters and patted his friend on the shoulder. "...I will never abandon you like that. You'll always have me."

Ed still seemed deeply morose, but he had the strength to nod. "And Eddy, too, right?"

…Edd did not know how to answer that one.

But he wouldn't need to.

DIIING-DONNNNG!

The loudmouthed little shit could answer for himself.

"...Eddy, what are you doing here!?" the wolf yelped, louder than he would have liked. "...Again?"

The fox just gave him a funny look. "Why are you acting like I just walked in on you doing something dirty? Is Ed here?"

"EDDY!"

The bear snapped out of his funk for just long enough to jump off the couch and scoop his two favorite people into his arms. "Ed, Edd, and Eddy are reunited once more!"

"Goddammit, Ed, put me down!"

"Ed, I need to close the door so flies don't get in!"

Ed did then drop them to land on their respective asses, the wolf and fox both bending their tails uncomfortably as they did.

"It feels like we have not had a scene together as three without Mister Johnny and Mister Rob in almost a year, guys!" Ed remarked, much to his friends' confusion. But they were used to it.

"Hell, can ya blame 'em?" asked Eddy. "Their story's probably a fuckton more interesting than ours is! They're probably regretting that it's too late to write us out of it!"

"And while we're on the topic, Eddy," Double-D began as he closed the door as promised, "what's this I hear from Ed that Misters Hood and Little don't want you two joining them in their grand adventures anymore?"

"It's true!" Ed cried all over again. "They think we're babies who aren't smart or good enough to hang out with them!"

"Oh, Ed, will you quit being such a fucking drama queen!?" the fox asked the bear before turning to the wolf. "They didn't say they didn't want us around anymore. They still live in my house for Christ's sakes! They just told us that they weren't gonna be able to let us run with them for a while because Rob just ran into his girlfriend again and now they wanna bullshit a honeymoon!" The then proceeded to give an example of what such a scene was like by doing an impression of Robin complete with a very, very, very bad British accent - which is to say he wasn't even doing anything remotely like a British accent, he was just speaking in his normal accent with a very hoity-toity tone and acting like that was British enough. "Oh, Ed, Eddy, surely you boys would understand, but Maryanne and I just got back together and now we wanna spend some time together to have a romantic dinner and fuck in what used to be your bedroom!"

Double-D found this fuller explanation even more intriguing than the version Ed had given him. And since it was coming from someone who was angry rather than sad… he could have more fun with his reaction to it.

"So…" the wolf asked for clarification, "...in other words, they're tending to adult matters and have no time for childish things?"

Eddy narrowed his eyes and shrugged. "I guess. If that's how you wanna put it."

Edd started giggling.

Then he started chuckling.

Then he started straight-up guffawing.

Eddy rolled his eyes. "Oh, what the fuck are you laughing at!?"

The wolf pointed in the diminutive fox's face. "I told you! I told you they wouldn't want anything to do with an adolescent delinquent like yourself! And yet you still ran headlong into their preposterously dangerous schemes expecting that they wouldn't grow tired of you as soon as they realized that it would only impede them to have a misbehaving minor in their ranks! And now here you are."

But Eddy was unimpressed. Unbeknownst to Double-D, Eddy really was trying his hardest to start copying Robin's style - inasmuch as he could without looking like a jackass. And in his head, he thought Robin would probably handle this situation by refusing to stoop to Sock-Head's level. He wanted to be seen as classy and mature, just like Robin was, and he had a hunch that Robin would find a classy and mature way to respond to this. "Well I was gonna ask you if you wanted to hang out or something, but if you're gonna be such a vindictive little shit-"

"Oh! So you're accusing me of behaving poorly myself when you just made the obvious social faux-pas of plainly admitting that I'm your second choice!? Evidently you weren't paying very much attention during Mr. Hood's lecture the other day!"

Okay, fuck being classy and mature. "Y'know what? Yeah, you are my second choice! Because those guys are at least doing cool and interesting shit! And I can actually become a better fucking person being around them and figuring out their secrets! With you, I'm just gonna be the same old guy I always was and I'll never figure out why nobody fucking likes me!"

"Eddy, Double-D please don't fight," Ed whimpered from the sidelines. They ignored him.

"Ah, but could it be that your difficulty in finding companionship outside your fellow outcasts like myself could be due, in large part, to the fact that you are indeed the type of individual who would abandon a friend of yours at the drop of a hat if you saw it as an opportunity for personal gain!?" Double-D defied him as he stuck a finger in the air, his sick self-impressed grin never having left him. "The irony is not lost on anyone that the personal gain in question is a new sense of altruism, but nevertheless, Eddy, can you not argue that the hypocrisy stands?"

"Jesus fuck- Double-D, you had the same opportnity to come with them that me and Ed did! But you pussed out because you're a scaredy-pants little bitch who thinks you're better than everyone specifically because of how non-con-fucking-frontational you are! As if that solves any problems in this goddamn world!"

"And yet here you are, seeming to think that you'll in any way change my mind and morals by insulting me and somehow expecting that to make me see your light!" The wolf was now leaning over to look straight down at the fox.

"And you're clearly standing over me like that to piss me off because apparently somewhere along the line you got it in your skittish little head that you're justified in using something I don't like about myself against me!"

"'It is morally just and righteous for the Good to be harsh towards the Evil!' Is that or is that not the entire ethos of your new friends' mission!? You're not very good at being a friend, Eddy, and while they're off dealing with adult matters such as romance that you'll be lucky to ever be mature enough to understand, little do they know how fortunate they are to be rid of you!"

"But we thought you were happy we made new friends, Double-D."

Edd spun around as his eyes nearly burst open when he heard the bear speak.

"...Me and Eddy thought you were gonna be glad me and Eddy found people who like who me and Eddy are," the big cub continued, looking heartbroken.

The poor dumb wolf. He'd swear he'd felt the blood drain from his body as he realized that in his attempts to hurt mean old Eddy, he'd hurt sweet old Ed as well. Fewer times in his life had he felt so embarrassed.

"Yeah, Sock-Head," Eddy jeered, "whaddaya gonna say to that?"

But once again-

DIIING-DONNNG!

-Edd was saved by the bell.

Alright, now this one was surprising. "...Nazz!?"

The bobcat gave a finger-flailing wave to him, seeming nervous for reasons that weren't immediately clear. "Uh… hi, Double-D, I, uh…" She couldn't help but look past the wolf to see the bear on the verge of tears and the fox looking like he'd been somehow caught with his pants down. "Oh, uh… sorry, sorry, I didn't realize you boys were in the middle of something-"

"Oh, nono, it's, it's nothing that can't wait!" Edd insisted. "Um… may I ask what brings you here?"

"Uh… I was just… hoping to talk to someone…"

"Uh, you- you can come in and talk to us, Nazz!" Eddy stammered. Another thing he thought his fellow vulpine would do: be a gentleman to the lady. And if any romantic attraction came as a result of that, well, that was simply for bonus points.

"Would Nazz like a hug?" Ed offered, the bear opening his arms wide.

Nazz herself now looked embarrassed, not wanting to hurt anybody but wanting to be direct for her own good. "I, uh… I appreciate that guys, but I, um… I was kinda hoping to talk to Double-D… alone."

Double-D looked worried. Ed and Eddy just looked disappointed.

"Oh, surely, surely, yes, Nazz, um, come in, come in!" the wolf invited her as he opened the door all the way. "I, uh, I'm sorry, gentlemen, but, uh… may we continue this discussion some other time?"

"Oh, I think we've said all we needed to say," Eddy muttered, nevertheless trying not to sound too petty - since Robin would never do that. He made his way past the new guest as he sought his exit. "So… you two have fun now."

"Um… by the way, Eddy?"

The fox stopped and perked up at the bobcat's address.

"I… I want to say, um… thanks again for trying to organize the fundraiser for Kevin the other day," she said awkwardly. "I… I really do want Kevin to see this side of you if he wakes up - when he wakes up, WHEN he wakes up, I meant!"

She bonked herself on the head a few times as penance for misspeaking but soon enough forced herself to give him a warm smile to prove that she meant what she'd said.

"Uh, th-thanks, Nazz, I, uh…" Eddy trailed off, partially due to speechlessness, but also because he was pausing to double-check with himself how Robin would talk to a girl he was absolutely interested in who was nevertheless spoken for. "...I appreciate that, yeah. Um… yeah, I'll be right there when Kevin wakes up! When! Any day now!" (Yeah, that seemed like the kind of bullshit niceties and false optimism that the Englishman would provide.)

And Nazz appreciated it. In fact, she looked like she was almost about to start weeping in joy that even her boyfriend's sworn enemy was rooting for him to recover. "I… I appreciate it, Eddy. Um…" She turned to face the third of the trio. "And Ed, I'll… I'd like to take that hug now."

"Awww, sure, Nazz!" the bear beamed as he gave her an embrace she desperately needed.

"Now Ed, you be careful, don't you squeeze her too tightly!" Edd warned. "I don't want you asphyxiating anyone in my house again!"

"It's alright, Double-D," Nazz insisted as she excused herself from the big guy's grasp. "He wasn't squeezing too tight. Thanks, Ed."

"No problem, Nazz!"

"C'mon, Ed," the fox said to lead the bear out of the wolf's house. "Let's, uh… let's give them some privacy."

Ed followed, and then there were only Double-D and Nazz.

"Um, please, please, Nazz, have a seat," the host stammered. "Uh, would you like a glass of water, or-?"

"No, no, I… could I just sit down somewhere?"

"Oh! Surely! Um… s-sit anywhere! Make yourself at home!"

The bobcat had herself a seat on the couch Ed had been occupying a few minutes prior. Nazz was a little nervous herself because she knew this boy clearly had a crush on her - most of the boys on this block did - but she needed someone to talk to and she trusted that out of all the young men on this block, Double-D was mature enough to be respectful.

Hell, if anything, the way he nervously sat on an armchair clear on the other side of the living room made her worry that she was making him uncomfortable with all the pressure not to be a creep towards her.

"Uh, you… don't have to sit all the way over there, Double-D," she insisted, waving him over. Well, if he wanted to present himself as non-threatening, perhaps he'd done too good of a job.

"Oh! Uh… w-well, Nazz, if that would make you feel more comfortable-"

"It would. I just…" She sighed. "I just need someone to talk to."

"Ah, so… so I see," Edd murmured as he gently sat next to her, giving her all the space he could. "Uh… I-I'm honored that you're trusting me with, uh… whatever this is that's troubling you, though I must confess that I, um… wouldn't have imagined myself as someone high on your list of emotional supporters."

"Well…" Much like Ed before her, Nazz spent much of this time addressing the floor. "I can't talk to Jimmy or Sarah about this, they're just kids; Ed and Eddy are too… juvenile; Rolf has his… language and cultural barrier; Jonny is… Jonny; my mom is probably just gonna tell me what she thinks will make me happy to hear and not what I need to hear; and…" A deep breath. "...with Kevin not here… that leaves you."

The wolf didn't know what to say. "I… so I see…"

"I'm sorry!" the bobcat suddenly yelped, burying her face in her paws for a moment. "I'm sorry, that came off sounding like you were my last choice, I did not mean it that way, I… I'm sorry-"

"Nazz, Nazz, it's alright!" Double-D urged her. "No offense taken, I understood what you meant! I promise!"

She looked up and nodded at the wall, eyes now glassing over. "Thank you, I… yeah, what I meant was that you're the most qualified person in this stupid cul-de-sac to listen to my stupid problems-"

"Nazz, whatever is bothering you, I assure you it's nothing stupid!" Edd pleaded. "Now… whenever you're ready to say what you need to say, I'll be ready to listen."

She nodded at the wall again. Was she ready? Well, would she ever be?

"So… I'm, uh… I'm guessing you heard about what happened at that comedy club downtown last night?"

The wolf's heart skipped a beat. Certainly not what he'd been expecting. She didn't know that his uncle was…? Well, one way to find out:

"I… I did hear something about that. That the county sheriff arrested a comedian for speaking ill of the mayor of Nottingham, a flagrant violation of the most basic of his First Amendment rights…"

"Yeah, and the crowd tried to fight back and free him but Kevin's mom sicced the cops on them and told them to back off."

…Hm?

"I-I'm sorry… what was that about Kevin's mother!?"

She was confused that he was confused. "Well… you know… she works there. She's one of the managers."

"She is?"

"Did you not… know that?"

Now he was worried she thought he was stupid for not knowing something he had no reason to know. "I-I did not, I only knew of his father being employed at the NoCoCo factory, I… I knew nothing of his mother's occupation."

She gave him a blank look before shaking her head at the floor again. "Alright, I guess that makes sense, I guess you wouldn't have known them as well as I knew them… I…" A groan as the bobcat put her forehead upon her first. "I'm sorry, Double-D, this isn't fair to you, I just… this whole thing just keeps getting worse and it's too much to process-"

"Nazz, please, I vow to you, I understand and I don't feel like my time is being wasted in lending you an ear," the wolf reiterated. "If anything, I apologize for not already understanding the full breadth of the situation already! I worry that my lack of preparedness makes you feel as if your time is being wasted!"

She wanted to reassure him that he was doing fine, but she was kind of getting the sense that they were both wasting each other's time by playing Hot Potato with apologies, so she sought to move her point forward.

"I… I kind of had the idea already that his parents were like this," she explained, "things that he said that seem so obvious looking back on it, complaining that his parents always sided with the teachers whenever he got in trouble at school, and… like, I already knew his parents didn't like me, but I always just assumed that was just, y'know, canine/feline rivalry-"

"I beg your pardon?"

Nazz was so perplexed by this interruption that she briefly forgot to be sad. "You beg my pardon about… what?"

"The canine/feline remark. I misunderstand the usage as it seems to suggest his family are canids." (This was Edd, his empathy was no match for his discomfort with factual inaccuracies.)

"Well… they are, hyenas are canines-"

"They are not. As a canid myself, I can confirm that hyaenidae is a separate biological family."

…Nazz couldn't lie, that kinda hampered the mood a bit. But this neurotic wolf was still a better audience than anyone else on this godforsaken block. "Uh… right, um… I knew that…" Goddammit, Double-D, do you have to make me look like a ditz again?

But Double-D had at least enough social intelligence to sense that he'd embarrassed her, so he moved the conversation along: "But, uh… what about these things frustrates you so, Nazz? It seemed like you were building to some greater thesis…"

She sighed once more. "What I was building up to was… God, I didn't think they were so bad that she could see the guy who could have saved her son but didn't arrest a guy over nothing and still side with him! Are… are they literally fascists!? Do they just worship authority that much!?"

Edd was hesitant to completely cosign on the F-word since he knew that was an extremely loaded term, one that most kids in their grade had only been taught in history class (poorly) in the last year or two, but given what he already knew about how the Laffertys ticked and what he was learning now… yeah, he could say she probably wasn't entirely off-base in using such an extreme verbiage to describe what seemed to be an unhealthy deference to power.

"I, uh… I see your point, Nazz-"

"And why do the bad people keep winning, Double-D!?" With this, she broke down into a full-on sob. "Why!? How!? How do things just keep getting worse and worse and not getting any better!?"

That's when the timid wolf forced himself to do something very brave: he risked looking creepy and put a hand on her shoulder to console her. "Ah, Nazz, I understand, it may seem at time that this world is headed to Sam Hill in a handbasket, but, uh… surely to dwell on such feelings would accomplish little towards-"

"I know that, but…!" The bobcat suddenly leaned violently forward and out of the wolf's reach, seeming to be growling to herself in her growing frustration. "...what can we do about it, Double-D!? What can we do!? That's…" Sniffle. "That's one of the things I loved the most about Kevin, that… like, I know, I know that he wasn't always right about knowing what was right and wrong, I know that in the worst way, but at least when he thought he was right, he did something about it! I don't wanna just sit on the sidelines and hope someone else comes along to fix everything and beat the bad guys, we need to all try to be those people or nobody's ever gonna be those people! A-and I want to do what I can, but… what can I do!? When a bully arrests a guy for no good reason and a bunch of other people get arrested for trying to stand up to him… what can someone in a position like ours do, Double-D?"

He understood now. "Uh… well, in that event, one must assess the facts of the situation and brainstorm what one can do with what one has at one's disposal-"

"You think I haven't tried that!?" she snapped at him, before realizing he'd meant no harm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I… but I did stop and think What can I do about this? when I first heard about it, and I couldn't think of anything! And… okay, fine, in this case it worked out because cooler heads dropped the charges, but what about next time something bad happens!? It won't always end with something like this, sometimes it'll end with a teenager in a coma! And when that happens…" Another groan that was bordering on a growl. "...are we really just supposed to sit there and accept that we can't do anything about it? Because that feels so… dumb. That feels so… so 'why-even-bother'."

"So… 'defeatist'?" Edd offered.

"...That might be a good word," she conceded before rubbing her eyes. "I… I feel like it's not right to just say 'there's nothing I can do.' Because I don't know if there's anything either of us can do, but… we can't not try to do something! That'd be wrong. That'd be… evil, almost…"

One might wonder how Nazz would feel if she discovered that she'd made her point so well that she'd infected Double-D with the same miserable feeling of conflict. She'd had no idea that he was going through his own period of defeatism towards the idea of ever tangibly doing anything of note in this life, and while it may have done her heart glad to find out that as he was sitting there staring at her, he was coming around on her way of thinking that it was indeed shameful to not even try to do good in this world - but she may then have been subsequently heartbroken to find out she'd similarly stumped him on what the hell they could actually do about the big problems in this life. She would never realize that she'd had this effect on him, and perhaps it was a good thing she wouldn't; after all he'd done to inspire her to do more, Nazz couldn't bear to ponder whether Mystery Porn Fox would be disappointed in spreading misery instead of hope.

But speaking of young people indirectly inspired by Robin, you read that right, Dear Reader, seeing perhaps the most mature kid on the block come to the realization that she needed to do something rather than nothing - and trusting him of all people with this revelation because she trusted that he was similarly mature enough to understand and value it - was the first step towards Double-D starting to take the nails out of the wall he'd built stopping him from trying to do something good in his life… but holy hell, her cries of what can we do? simply reinforced his quandary on the same topic that he'd had literally fifteen minutes prior. This conversation to him had been the equivalent of breaking out of his own prison only to find out that he didn't actually know where he was once he got out or how to get from anywhere else from there. She'd made her point well and now he had gone from being lost without a goal to having a goal but still being lost - which was arguably even more spiritually frustrating. At least with having given up there was no anxiety-inducing sense of urgency.

But here she was. He was the one she thought would understand her dilemma the most. He couldn't let her down. He still had no clue what the hell to do, but when he did, by Jove, he was gonna do it. Because he was the one she trusted the most to be a good person. He was the one.

"...Should I tell Eddy about this, too?" the bobcat asked to break the silence.

…Well.

"Uh… why would you, uh… tell Eddy, if I may ask?"

"Because… y'know, he showed that he's grown up a lot organizing that charity to help Kevin and… and it's probably killing him that we lost all the money for it…" She wiped her snout. "...I mean, hey, that's leadership and taking initiative right there, that's a good quality to have. But I…" She seemed embarrassed to say what she was about to say: "...Part of me still thinks he's got a crush on me and wants to replace Kevin, so I… I really didn't feel comfortable going to him. And maybe that's not fair to him, maybe he's more mature than that now, too, but… eh, old images of people are hard to change. But do you think he's grown-up enough to see me as a real person and not just some girl he thinks is cute?"

Interesting. So Double-D did have competition as the one besides Kevin who Nazz saw as most capable of doing good deeds. But no matter; as the spirit of the day went: take initiative whenever and however you can.

"I… I agree that Eddy has made great strides in growing as a person, but, uh…" The wolf made a show of choosing his words carefully. "...I don't think he's quite at that level yet."

The bobcat nodded, looking disappointed if unsurprised. "Yeah, I… I had a feeling. But hey, can't expect overnight results, I guess."

"And as they say," Double-D added with a sudden smile, "progress is rarely linear!"

She pondered that before nodding again. "Yeah… that's a good way of putting it."

At this point, Dear Reader, you may be wondering, did Edd genuinely believe Eddy wasn't ready to have a serious conversation with Nazz about moral imperatives? Or did he just want his on-again-off-again friend out of the way so he himself could stand alone as the most mature young man on Rethink Avenue? Eh, a little of Column A, a little of Column B.

…Or was it that, despite being much better at hiding it, Double-D still did also have a huge crush on this girl and would have absolutely loved to slide into the #2 spot behind Kevin on her list of favorite boys her age? Or was it that Edd thought that the egotistical little fox didn't need any more moral support now that he was getting personal training from two beloved local heroes? Or was it simply a matter of the wolf still being annoyed at his friend after their tiff earlier and he still wanted now to get back at him in any way possible because whether or not he liked to admit it he was just as capable as Eddy of being an asshole? Well, you can add Columns C and D and E and… y'know what, fuck it, just grab a Sharpie and scribble all over the chart at this point.

"And… you know, Nazz," the young wolf continued, now suddenly exuding a noticeable measure of confidence, "...I've heard it said that… although it may seem now and again that things may take a turn for the worst with no hopes of getting better… as a student of the histories of both the natural order and of intelligent society, I can confirm the notion that it would be truly unprecedented for only bad things to continue to happen! Never throughout the millennia has there only been a streak of cosmically poor fortune for all living beings - why start now?"

The bobcat just seemed even deeper in thought as she heard this, almost becoming overwhelmed by all the things Double-D was dropping. "I… I guess that does make sense."

"Statistically, Nazz, it must get better eventually. It simply must."

Robin and Johnny would probably be proud of the wolf coming up with such an inspiring line that seemed to be slowly seeping in and working well, as they would be proud of the bobcat for sewing the seeds for the wolf to reawaken from his spiritual slumber. It's just a shame they wouldn't appear to be working together with these youths in the foreseeable future.

Nor would Nazz and Double-D seem to be working on anything until they had a plan for what to do, but hey, at least now they had the will to do it. And that was half the battle.

-IllI-

C'mon. He couldn't be afraid to do this. It would be genuinely cowardly if he was. Not only that, but it would mean all of this had been an enormous waste of time. This was a step towards his goal, something he'd already worked so hard and sacrificed so much for. He couldn't let a roadblock like this stop him. What would that cartoon wolfdog think of him if he failed when he was so close? (Okay, well come to think of it, that cartoon was based on a real person though the movie really played up the story and characters to make it more cinematic but… nevermind.)

He was telling himself that maybe this could be a good thing. The fact that this scared him so much would only add to the value of his own hero's journey; just look at what he'd have to overcome in himself to do the great things he will have done! Of course, there would be those who would say he could never truly be heroic if he was so petrified of something so easy and simple in the first place, but… he had to tell himself to ignore those people. Hell, they may have been right for all he knew, but he had a friend he had to help and listening to the peanut gallery would simply not be useful.

Alright. Time to nut up or shut up. Now or never. He was gonna thrust himself into this situation and tell himself it was external forces that thrust him into it, and now he simply had to deal with it like the person he wanted to be. Here goes.

Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep.

"Hello, is this, um, Xavier Quick?"

"Uh, who the fuck is this? Oh, yeah, fair question. So, um, my name is Thor, and I, uh-"

"I, I got your number from a, uh, Jaime Martinez? He's some kind of… Puerto Rican cat? He's a coworker of mine, and uh-"

"You do know Jaime!"

"He recommended you when I was asking him if he knew any people that he dealt to who might be interested in trying, uh, kinda like samping or product-testing a… little something I came up with."

"No, no, you wouldn't be the one trying it, it'd be your customers-"

"No, no, that's the thing, I'm not trying to steal your customers, I'm not even trying to make money off of it right now. I'm just reaching out because you might know people who'd volunteer to try it out for free so I can see if it even works. Hell, I might even be willing to pay them if it's that tough of a sell."

"Uh… pills. It's pills."

-IllI-

Who's most likely to actually notice when a rodent is walking down the street? Why, another rodent, of course!

"Wait, is that who I…?"

"Let's go talk to him!"

Deputy Nutzinger just assumed at first that the voices were talking about anybody else, but when he heard people running up behind him, he turned to see a pair of news reporters approaching, looking excited to meet him. They were a hare carrying the heavy camera and audio equipment and a well-dressed chinchilla holding a mic who must have been the on-camera talent.

"Excuse me, Deputy Nutzinger!" she beckoned. "Pilar Chinchilla, NBC 2 News Nottingham. We just got out of the press conference with the mayor and we heard about your heroics at the Chuckle Bunker last night, may we get an interview?"

The squirrel didn't know what to say. "...They're calling what I did heroics?"

"Well, attempted heroics," Pilar corrected in a tone making clear that she wasn't personally awestruck by his actions the previous night, she was just a professional in search of a good scoop. "So, we doing this?"

"Uh… sure!" said George, actually seeming outwardly pleased that some people were finally valuing his efforts to stop the sheriff's wayward belligerence and idiocy, even if the admiration wasn't coming from the individuals actually presently in front of him. "Uh, whaddya wanna ask-?"

"Hold on," the chinchilla said flatly as she suddenly grabbed the squirrel by the shoulders and marched him behind a large shrub.

"Wh-what are we doing?" asked the confused deputy.

"The other stations sent big guys to report at the mayoral mansion today," Pilar explained, "if we can hide and make this an exclusive interview, I'm gonna do what I can to make that happen. CBS 7 is kicking our ass in the ratings."

"I… see." Nutzinger was still excited to be interviewed, but the excitement was wanting amid this coldness and cynicism. "So… is this gonna be live?"

"Oh, God, no," answered the reporter, "we don't even know if we have anything usable yet."

"Usable?"

"Yeah, you know, whether you make good TV or not." The chinchilla then turned to her crew members. "Matt, you ready?"

"Rolling, sound is good," confirmed the hare cameraman, headphones over his long ears and the viewfinder in his face.

"Oh, we're just… jumping right into it?" asked George, having absolutely no frame of reference for how these things were supposed to work.

"Do you need us to do something else?"

"...Like what?"

She rolled her eyes and shrugged. "So we good? We're wasting footage here."

"Um…"

"Alright… Mister Nutzin-jer," she began as she held her mic out to him, "how do you-?"

"Nutzinger," he corrected, "it's a hard G."

"Sir, this isn't going to be broadcast, only your response. So what inspired you to try to stop Sheriff Woodland from arresting Kellen Huffman?"

A pause as George debated how to formulate his words. "...What inspired me? I mean, it was a basic sense of… morals and justice and stuff. It was the right-"

"Okay, you need to speak like you're giving a speech," Pilar interrupted. "We only have so much broadcast time, we don't have room for 'and stuff' and stuff. So let's try this: what is your reaction to Woodland's actions?"

The squirrel's face scrunched up; he knew he wouldn't be looking good for the camera this way, but he didn't know how to answer such broad questions on the fly. This felt like a job interview. "Uh… that he's a dangerous idiot? I mean, it's a pretty open-and-shut case, the guy, the comedian, he wasn't inciting a fucking riot, all of what he said is covered by the First Amendment and shit, so-"

"Sir, watch your language. We can't use footage of you using words we can't put on television."

Nutzinger looked disappointed and at least a little confused. "...Can't you just bleep it?"

"How often do you hear bleep censors in evening-news interviews?"

…That was kind of a good point. "Alright, uh… I'll try to keep it PG, but it's a tough habit to break-"

"Don't try, either do it or don't," said the reporter, trying to remain professional but clearly losing her patience.

As for her remark? Well, that sounded an awful lot like something the deputy's father used to holler at him. "...Okay," he said with a tone of Well, I GUESS I'll tolerate being spoken to this way.

"Alright, Take Three," said Pilar. "Sir, now that the charges have been dropped against Kellen Huffman and all others arrested at the comedy club last night, what consequences do you think Sheriff Woodland will suffer as a result of his actions, if any?"

George took a deep breath and told himself to speak calmly and politely. "Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that the mayor did something sensible by overruling his sheriff, but if I may say, Miz Chinchilla, I'm afraid that-"

"Cheen-CHEE-ya!" the chinchilla corrected, which is to say she said it with an emphasis on the proper Spanish phonology. "I told you my name earlier, didn't you hear me?"

Nutzinger was dumbfounded. "Uh…" What he thought happened was that when she said her name earlier pronounced as 'cheen-chee-ya', his brain made the connection oh, like 'chinchilla' and proceeded to store it in memory under the English pronunciation. But that was a realization he came to with a bunch of neurotransmitters firing instantaneously in his brain and he wouldn't be able to verbalize it until he told others about this awkward moment later on; in that moment, he was at a loss for words. "I… didn't remember?"

"Hell, I say my name on the news every night!" But then she seemed to realize something. "...You do watch NBC 2 for your news, right?"

The deputy did not watch the evening news. He found it dumb. But of course he couldn't come out and say that. "...Sometimes?"

"Oh, bullshit, you're probably a CBS watcher, aren't you!?" she accused furiously.

"What!? No, I-!"

"I think he looks more like an ABC 5 watcher," the cameraman hare quipped.

"EWW, NO!" the squirrel shuddered, repulsed by the thought. "I-I have no allegiance to any network's local news coverage! I-I'm a cop, for Christ's sakes! I… I gotta be up early every morning for work and shit!"

Pilar no longer seemed angry at him, but she did look dissatisfied. "Hmph. Well, better than a FOX 23 watcher," she grumbled, then turned to walk away. "We don't need this interview. God, now I hope the CBS crew catches up with you, I'd love to see them waste their time on you."

"What, so that's it!? I'm not gonna be on TV!?"

It was. He would not. They were gone.

Incensed, the deputy dismissed them with a one-finger salute, but remembered that was considered immature in some circles and that he had to be the likable face of the NPD if nobody else would. Evidently at least a few people heard that he'd tried to stop the stupid wolf and commended his efforts if also lamenting his failure, and George didn't want to lose this newfound quasi-hero status. It was this new faintly good feeling of a job-well-attempted that carried him into the mayoral mansion without carrying residual rage towards both the chinchilla and the wolf in with him.

Ah, Dear Reader, tell me: what greater splendors are there in life than witnessing two people you hate fight with each other, knowing they're both going to get hurt?

"For the final time, Eddward, you are not to go behind my back and make such rash decisions without my blessing!"

"Then what the hell's even the point a' me bein' Sheriff for if ah can't make my own decisions!?"

Because that was what was happening in the mansion's kitchen area.

"The point is for you to serve me and my interests!" the lion roared at the wolf, eyes bloodshot and only getting redder with unbridled rage. "Do you have any idea how much damage you've done!? They think that I was in support of your stupidity!"

"Mayor, ah was tryin' ta' serve you by arrestin' somebody who was talkin' bad about ya and rilin' up a crowd against yer name!" the wolf growled back. "How much more can I do ta' protect ya and yer interests than ta' cut the head off a snake before it bites ya!?"

Nutzinger just watched as he entered the room, coming to stand silently alongside Hess, the weasel/mink thing whose stature I grossly overestimated who perhaps saw closer to eye-to-eye than I'd previously imagined when he and the squirrel nodded to acknowledge one another.

"What the bloody hell is this that I've heard that you threatened to shoot him in his blasted head if the crowd didn't back off!? You were going to kill somebody just to tell the entire city that I'm too insecure to take a joke!? You're so obscenely fortunate that nobody else could hear you over the cacophony, if even one other witness could corroborate the comedian's claims that you said that, I'd have no choice but to fire you to save face!"

"Aw, hush, Johnny, you and I both know you couldn't run this town without me at the helm a' yer police! Who else would ya trust to lead them, that delinquent little mama's-boy tree-rat!?"

"Er… Sheriff Woodland…" Charles nervously spoke up to alert Ward of his faux pas.

"I'm standing right here, dipshit!" said George to make it abundantly clear.

The mayor and the sheriff turned to see that the deputy was indeed standing there with them. But Ward wasn't embarrassed to be caught speaking ill of his partner; he simply maintained his look of fury.

"You have the nerve ta' call me a dipshit when you were the one who went ahead and supported the city disrespectin' its government!?" the wolf barked at him. "And ya got the nerve ta' call me a retard but ya don't seem ta' remember you are the government, too!"

"Uh, newsflash, asshole! Any government that isn't evil won't flip the fuck out and try to quash even the most minor dissent! To do that would be to admit that you're a fucking totalitarian!"

"And while I never thought I'd say this," the lion spoke up again, "I find myself in agreement with you, Deputy. One need only look about the city for its denizens' reaction to the news to see that they view this as an act of tyranny! Can you deny that, Sheriff?" Mayor Norman glared deep into Sheriff Woodland's eyes. "This has done nothing but taken us a dozen steps back from our goal."

"And what is your goal?" the squirrel cut in.

This, as you can imagine, stumped the mayor. "Er… erm… to, er, to be the best mayor Nottingham could ask for, heh heh! And with any luck to supplant my brother's legacy as this city's best leader!"

George's eyes narrowed. "Riiiiight…"

Off to the side, Charles wasn't saying much. He was mentally scrambling. He knew going into this that the nature of his job and his objective meant that there would invariably be something that would come up and disrupt even the best-laid plans, but he certainly hadn't expected anything like this. In some ways, it was comforting: it made him feel vindicated that making a more specific plan would have indeed been a waste of time, since whatever the hell had happened the previous night would have most certainly upset any scheme he could come up with, but the flip side of playing it by ear was that he'd always be playing from behind. He'd have to stop and assess the situation every time something changed to figure out what the best next move was. Let's see, let's see; if the goal was to make Prince John look stupid when he made his own decisions but to make it look like his good decisions were his assistant's idea, and to keep him in just enough power to make it worth puppeting him but weak enough that he could indeed be puppeted, then how should he proceed after this new development? Surely there was no easy answer and it was going to take some time before he figured it out.

But enough of his boring bullshit, Marian was here to make an appearance, her sheep friend in tow.

"Oh, woe is me!" she moaned (loudly) as she entered the kitchen area. "Another day passes where I am a single woman in her thirties, unmarried and with no prospects! My heart, it yearns for love, but no one will have me!" She found herself next to the refrigerator and pulled over a stepstool. "Perhaps I am best left to wither away in an icy wasteland, somewhere even colder and crueler than the world I already inhabit!" And with that, she climbed up and stuck her head in the freezer, closing the door on her head as far as it would go and making her arms go limp with resignation.

Annie decided to clarify her friend's act just in case it wasn't clear: "Mari's depressed because she doesn't have a lad in her life."

Everyone else raised an eyebrow at that.

Sheriff Woodland was the first to remark: "I thought the whole point a' her bein' here was that she was hooked up to the outla-"

"Shh-shh-shhhhh!" the lion hushed him with a finger to the wolf's mouth before turning back to the sheep, looking skeptical. "...Is this true, Miz Chud?"

The ewe herself looked stunned. She glanced at her vixen friend, who was perfectly still with a heavy freezer door closed on her neck and a box of frozen fish sticks in her face. As a thespian herself, Annie thought this was a dreadful performance, but if the results were there…

"...Yes?" she answered unconfidently.

A moment passed before a tiny chuckle could be heard from the mayor before he cracked the tiniest of smirks. "Sorry to hear that, Marian. Hopefully someday soon you'll find a decent man. But as I was saying!" He turned his attention back to the squirrel. "George, I must acknowledge that you had the courage and moreover the MIND to attempt to stop Eddward here from ruining all of our reputations and making the seeds of unrest he was trying to prevent become a self-fulfilling prophecy! And for this reason, I… I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I'd like to thank you!"

Everyone was stunned.

"I, er… I'm inclined to concur, actually." Suffice it to say, Charles couldn't believe it either. "That was… likely the best judgment call."

"Um… thank… you?" Suffice it to say, George couldn't believe it either. "It… was the least I could do?"

"Are you goddamn crazy!?" Suffice it to say, Ward couldn't believe it either. "That little traitorous… traitor! I defended yer name, he betrayed yer name! Who's side are you on!?"

"HIS!"

The skinny lion's roar was loud enough to shut everybody else up all over again, and seeing his point had been made, Prince John saw no need to immediately speak further. The tense silence was only broken when Marian decided to again remind everyone how sad and lonely she was.

"A rubbish bin?" she mused aloud as she collapsed to her knees next to a trash can in the corner and embraced it, her chin resting atop it, looking like she was hugging the grave of a lover who'd never existed. "Perhaps this is to be my soulmate, as we're both hideous and unloveable!" She then wept blatantly inauthentic tears as she rubbed her cheek back and forth on the lid.

"...Should we be worried that she's cuddling with the garbage?" asked Deputy Nutzinger awkwardly.

"George, I know you're still too young to understand this, but at times like these, it's best to just let a female work through her womanly emotions," the mayor insisted calmly.

"That's… right," Kluck begrudgingly grumbled just to go along with the act.

"Well, what about your womanly emotions, Mayor!?" Sheriff Woodland demanded. "It a' been one thing if you'da said 'Oh, I don't like what ya did, Ward, but I still appreciate ya tryna stand up fer me!' But no, you're just tellin' me that I shouldn't even try to make my own decisions ta' help you!"

"Quite frankly, Eddward, if these are the decisions you come to when you're left to your own devices, then no, do not make choices on my behalf!" John seethed. "Perhaps you don't understand the full scope of the consequences of your actions. I'd made plans today to go to the racetrack with several members of this city's elite. A networking event! I'd already bought the tickets for the private booth! But now…" Oh, God, here came the tears through anger. "...now they refuse to be seen with me! Even if it is an exaggeration that everyone believes that I condoned your reckless behavior, they think that everyone in this city does, and they feel they cannot risk their reputations by associating with me in a public forum!"

"Aaand it's not risky to your reputation to be seen clearly trying to buddy up with those elites," the squirrel noted, "got it, got it."

"George, please don't make me rescind my statement of gratitude," the lion muttered before turning back to the wolf. "Tell me, Eddward: how do you propose I get back the money I spent? I was the one who paid for the luxury booth as a treat to them, it cost me twelve hundred dollars!"

"It- it did?" asked his assistant, who had known nothing of his boss's reckless spending.

"It did," the mayor answered, but his eyes were fixed on his sheriff's.

Woodland just glared right back at him. Even if he hadn't had a deplorable education, he probably still wouldn't be able to put into words what he was feeling, but the closest word would likely be betrayed. He really had risked a lot to defend his mayor's name, most assuredly tarnishing his own reputation in the process. And this was the thanks he got? Ward had long sought validation from someone whose word meant something, and he was hoping he could rely on getting it from John Norman. But it seemed that today, it simply wasn't in the cards.

But still, he was a man, and he couldn't make himself look weak. Failing that, therefore, he knew to make himself look angry. As he was busy fuming at his boss, though:

"Och, we'll take the tickets!"

Everyone turned to the sheep in the corner, who was leaving plenty of space for them to see that her fox friend was still forcibly sobbing onto the Rubbermaid cylinder.

"No use in wasting the money, eh?" she continued.

"Ha! Quite amusing, Miz Cullom," the mayor scoffed, "but I was hoping to actually get my money back if not my money's worth."

"Well, wait, there's an idea!" proposed the squirrel. "I mean, the entire point of seeing the ponies is to bet on them, right? So fuck it, we'll go, put some money down, if we turn a profit, then whatever, we'll forfeit our gains to pay you back for the tickets, and if we're in the red, well then, at least we had a good time."

At first, Prince John looked appalled by the idea.

But then stupid Ward opened his mouth again. "Aw, lemme guess, you're prolly gonna wanna go along with that because I guess ya just love all a' Nutsy's ideas now!"

And hearing that made Prince John consider the opposite.

"Well, hey, maybe I'm on a hot streak for good ideas!" said George, only half sarcastic.

"Oh, I agree," added Charles, giving his superior a look to remind him of their deal: You start trusting more in my decisions, too, if you don't want to lose my good judgment.

The lion was quiet as he pondered.

"Aw, don't tell me you're actually thinkin' about it!" protested the sheriff who didn't want to let his insubordinate subordinate win another round.

But the mayor was thinking that.

"A toaster?" Marian asked as she walked up to one sitting on the kitchen counter, curiously holding her own tail like she really needed someone to hold. "The only thing I know of love is that it's said to hurt - if I were to experience pain, would that come close to experiencing love?" But before she could go all the way with sticking her brush into the bread slot, she was spared from suffering for her art.

"You know what?" the mayor asked the room in general. "That's not a shabby idea! As long as we're all in this fight together, perhaps we'd best take the opportunity to bond, should we not? Marian, Miz Clampett! Ready yourselves, you're coming with us!"

The vixen snapped out of her funk almost immediately. "Oh, jolly good!" she said with a feigned enthusiasm before starting to make her exit - and then pausing to add one request: "Though if we may please be back before evening, Uncle, Annie and I were hoping to catch something on the telly!" And then she left for real.

"Uh… yes!" Annie added, just a little nervous that their improv was getting a bit too risky with its silliness. "Everyone knows the best TV is on Saturday nights… in the summertime… uh, don't offer to tape it, it's not the same as watching it live!" And with that, she also took her leave.

Prince John just shrugged. "Ah, women are odd. But in any case, gentlemen, we'd best similarly prepare for our excursion-!"

"Aw, you just want us to go win ya some money so you can get back what ya spent!" Woodland accused.

The lion tsked at him. "Really, Eddward? Saying the quiet part out loud? That's something I'd expect from George."

"So I'm right!" the wolf growled, paws thrown in the air. "Ya can't possibly expect a nice enjoyable day if you're gonna stick me around him all day long!" You can likely hazard a guess as to whom he was pointing at.

"Well, luckily for me, we're all adults who can behave ourselves when in close quarters with people we don't necessarily get along with, now aren't we, George?"

"I mean, I wouldn't choose to hang around the guy after last night, but yeah, I can suck it up," the squirrel answered. "As long as he doesn't THROW ME LIKE A FUCKING BEANBAG AGAIN, I should be okay."

"Not to worry, Rocky will be there to serve as our…" But then Prince John realized something that vexed him. "Oh, blast, is that rhino still in time-out?"

"Time-out?" asked the deputy who'd arrived late.

"Yes, as punishment for losing sight of Marian last night, I had him go stand in the hallway closet, but I completely forgot he was in there!" He matched off to go liberate his bodyguard, a task he'd usually defer to someone else, but the only other individual who knew which closet he was in couldn't physically open the door for a lack of proper appendages. "Pardon me for a moment…"

Nutzinger turned to his direct report and gave him a shit-eating grin. "Eh, track day, bro! You excited?"

Woodland just glared down at him.

"I must say, Deputy," Hess piped in, "I'm surprised by your eagerness to spend a day with the mayor."

The squirrel simply put an arm coolly around the weasel's back and lowered his voice. "Listen, dude: after yesterday, I just want an easy day of work, preferably one that involves no actual working. And I know you don't wanna work hard today, either. Not with the current political climate in this city."

Charles simply answered with one tight nod. Nutzinger was right, but for the wrong reasons. The mayor's assistant could absolutely have gone for an easy day of work; he needed the time to gameplan.