73. "The Memory Remains"
The vixen manufactured a chuckle as she sighed into the receiver. "No, Mum, Uncle John hasn't done anything too, er… discomforting to me," she lied.
The other vixen sighed as well, but didn't even attempt to feign amusement like her daughter did. "As long as you're happy, dear. Though I still don't know why you accepted it-"
"I'd rather not have, but it was an opportunity for free room and board-"
"Which you already had with Rich."
Hearing that made Mari stop wrapping the cord around her finger. "Yes, but Uncle Rich has a career to focus on and-"
"And John doesn't?"
That got Marian laughing more genuinely. "Er, with no disrespect to him, heh heh, I wouldn't say he's focusing on his job very hard!"
And across the ocean, her mother was inclined to agree. "AH, dear, that's a good point, that is a good point…!" she laughed, but resumed her more dignified tone soon after. "But really, Marian, I don't buy that that's the reason."
"...Well, part of me was thinking that he's secretly growing impatient with Klucky and I but is simply too polite to tell us to see ourselves out-"
"Oh, you know bloody well that that lion has more patience than he knows what to do with!" Caroline scoffed. "If he were capable of losing his patience, he'd have cut his brother off years ago!" She laughed, but she clearly still sought a more satisfying answer.
"...Well, perhaps part of it is me finding myself sick of the situation-"
"Did the thought cross your mind that you could simply get your own place to live independently?"
Mari had had a funny feeling that would come up eventually, as much as she hoped it wouldn't. "I knew it was possible in the abstract, Mum, but I don't think the money's there-"
"Then change your income-making strategies."
The vixen found herself glaring at the ceiling. "I've been trying to, but there's only so much I can do without giving up on theatre altogether-"
"Marian, dear… you're thirty-one now."
She knew what the subtext of that was. She just hoped the phone wasn't picking up the sounds of her fuming. "Please don't remind me."
"I feel like I must! Love, you wish to convince me you're taking your career seriously but you move from a city with no theatre culture to… Marian, most of our neighbors don't even know there is a Nottingham in America! And if it's anything like the one over here-"
"Mum, this Nottingham isn't that bad, I promise you."
"But what theatre opportunities are there in that city? Marian, I love you, dear, but if a stranger assessed this situation who didn't have the bias of your mother…they'd accuse you of being afraid of growing up, and now you're moving in with an outright manchild who surely won't judge you for being incapable of supporting yourself at your age."
Marian rolled her eyes; they say we all will always act immaturely in the presence of our parents since we're always going to see ourselves as children next to them, and with how much her mother was talking down to her, she was finding herself struggling not to slip down that slope. "Is that what you really think is going on here?"
Mrs. Swift was quiet for a moment. "...I think you're still not over Robin."
The daughter groaned loudly and didn't care how much of it the mic picked up. "Mum, what does he have to do with anything-?"
"I'll tell you precisely what: he represented a constant in your life, and more than that… he was a living connection to your-two's carefree youths. You two had a love like so many others would envy, but it was built upon a fairytale idea of romance. I think part of it is that you two hoped you could always live like teenage sweethearts together, free of responsibility… and part of it is that you thought when the time finally came to grow up, he in his old-fashioned ways would take care of his vixen while you had all the time in the world to focus on theatre."
"Mum, I-!"
"Because I know that you know that a tod his size would have a harder time finding film roles than you would finding a stage that would let you on."
Marian was trying not to seethe. "Living with him after university taught me well that he certainly wasn't that old-fashioned that he thought it was the male's job to provide for his female-"
"All the more reason to get over him! Talk about Peter Pan syndrome, he could give old John a run for his money at the Immaturity Games!"
"Mum," her daughter said gruffly, "...regardless of how you felt about him, I don't want to hear you speak of him that way… I loved him." (She still did, of course, but Caroline didn't need to know that.)
The dead air communicated that Mrs. Swift did have at least a little remorse for speaking ill of the deceased. But her core sentiment was still there. "...I know you don't want to hear this, love-"
"Then don't say it."
"-but I think I need to. You didn't deserve to lose the love of your life in such a horrible way. You didn't, my dear, and my heart still aches that you had to go through that. But as… callous as it might sound, with all you've told me, he wasn't growing up fast enough. Perhaps that lad being confused for an adult since his early childhood made it so he never learned to distinguish that he should behave differently when he actually became an adult - and to a lesser extent, I think something similar happened to you. He was not on a path to becoming somebody worthy of spending your life with, and I think at a certain point you were enabling one another to keep scrounging off your uncle and never getting your own lives as real adults. It hurts, love, but truly, Marian… I think losing him was the only way you'd ever realize he was holding you back."
Statements like that really made Mari want to tell her mum what was really up, but that would be a dangerous mistake. "...I've been trying to move on, Mum, surely you remember all my whinging that I couldn't find another man with quite the chemistry he and I had-"
"I also think the lady in you wants a tod taller than yourself and you're having trouble finding one."
"Ohhh-!" Now that nearly got the vixen screaming with unfiltered rage. "Mum, that is not an issue! I'm not as… primitive with my tastes in men as you are!"
"What on earth are you talking about!? I married and had a kit with a tod half a foot shorter than me!"
"Yes, and you're constantly poking fun at him for being dwarfed by his wife and daughter!"
"And the fact that he takes it in such stride is how I know he's a keeper-"
"And you're always quipping that he couldn't find a vixen smaller than him any more than you could find a taller tod and that you two married out of mutual convenience!"
"...Marian, that is strictly a running joke. Besides, your father isn't… THAT short…" Though Caroline didn't sound too sure. "But ah, he and I both look like children next to you, my dear-"
"Which is why you think I'm not only never going to get over my giant fiancé but also that I'll never find success as an actress-"
"Excuse me… fiancé?"
Marian's eyes popped open; she'd said too much and she knew it. "I, er… given your feelings about him, I wasn't exactly inclined to tell you…"
Mrs. Swift wasn't the least bit offended. "...Hrm. Well then… I can at least confess, that makes the, er… severity of the separation anxiety make some more sense… Erm… wh-when did he propose-?"
Her daughter wasn't going to answer that. "Mum, strictly for my own curiosity… what could I do to make you feel happy about me?"
Caroline had an answer for that ready to go. "Move back to England, get a job that can support you, and do theatre on the side. Preferably with a nice man in the mix there, I don't even care if he's a fox at this point."
She smirked. "Why don't I just marry Klucky and get it over with?" she joked.
On the other side of the room, facing away from the vixen, the ewe abruptly stopped filing her hooves for a second when she heard that. But realizing it was only a clever quip, Annie resumed her activity, finding herself forcing herself to dwell on her ursine crush to replace one distracting temptation with another.
Back in Great Britain, Mrs. Swift was flustered, to say the least. "Oh, oh, Marian, no, don't… even joke about that…"
Marian shook her head. "Is… Dad available to talk?"
"Are you going to tell him how mean I was to you?"
"Mum, no, I-"
"No wonder you're so comfortable being dependent, you've always been a daddy's girl…"
"MUM!"
"I'm just saying, love, if you didn't grant so much deference to your father, perhaps you'd come around to my way of thinking. I say these things because I love you, Marian."
The daughter sighed. "...I know you do. I love you, too, Mum."
Caroline wanted to say more, but she figured there was no point in speaking further. She turned away from the phone to beckon her husband: "Tom? …Thomas!? …HEY, SHORT-ARSE!"
Marian pulled the phone away from her ear so it wouldn't bleed; if this narrator has neglected to clarify, Dear Reader, the phone was not on speaker.
"Did ae just hear Carrie callin' Tom a short-arse?" asked the sheep who was six or eight feet away.
"You did."
"Och, why does he put up with her belittlin' him like that - literally!?" She shook her head as she resumed filing her hooves. "If I dinnae know better, I'd think it was some kind o' kink-"
"No, no, Klucky, it…!" Gross as she found that remark to be, Mari still had to get the giggles out of her system before she could continue in earnest. "...My dad just has the heart of a man twice his size."
"I'm fairly certain that's a medical condition."
"Klucky!" the vixen scolded and laughed at the same time. But as the telephone relay back in the UK took its time, Marian reflected on how her lofty standard for men (metaphorically, not physically) very well might have had something to do with growing up around an impossible standard of a man like her father.
"...Marian, my love, I hope I find you well!" Mr. Swift greeted cheerily.
In an instant, his daughter felt more at ease. "Hi, Dad, I'm well, thank you."
"Warms my heart to hear it, darling. Especially after hearing your mother dress you down like that-"
"TOM!" Caroline could be heard barking in the background.
"Oh, nothing's meant by it-!"
"Tom, are you taking the phone into the bloody toilet again!?"
"It mustn't wait and neither must our daughter!"
Marian chuckled; she wasn't the least bit disgusted. This wasn't the first time they'd made this arrangement.
Moments later, the shutting of a heavy door could be heard, and in a low but comforting voice, Thomas got to the point. "...Have you had the chance to see him?"
"I have," she answered with a smile he couldn't see but could hear loud and clear.
"And how's he doing?"
She took a breath. "Truthfully, he could be doing better."
"Oh?"
"His arm was recently broken-"
"Oh, bloody hell, poor bloke."
"Yes, but thankfully he has several friends who are medical professionals. What's really getting him down though, is… his friends have fallen apart."
"Oh, dear. They've been… caught?"
"If not by mortals, then by… medical issues, shall we say, for the older one. It's just him and his best friend now."
"...Which one is that?"
Marian suppressed a giggle. "...The one my friend has a crush on."
The ewe shot the vixen a dirty look.
"I repeat… which one is that?"
Marian laughed more openly. "The big one."
The ewe shot the vixen an even dirtier look.
"Ah, I remember hearing about him now. But does that mean, er… that William's been compromised as well?" Common enough of a name to not necessarily tip off anyone who may have been listening, and less of a giveaway than to say 'his brother'.
She took a deep breath. "Unfortunately he has."
"Hrmmm… yeah, I can see how that would demoralize a man… But knowing him, he's still managing to keep his spirits high."
"Hrm… that's the thing, though…" Mari shifted on the bed. "...He's doing a bang-up job of acting like it's not getting him down, but-"
"But as an actress yourself, you can tell he's doing just that: a great job acting the part," Thomas said wisely. "But as I said, my love, I would never fault him for that, he'd be delusional not to be at least a tad discouraged after a chain of events like that. And I don't fault you for being worried for him."
"And I am, but…" She gnawed on her knuckle for a moment before continuing. "...May I ask a question, Dad?"
"Of course, my daughter."
"...I am worried for him getting through this alright, I am, but… is it bad that I'm more concerned that he's… changed?"
Mr. Swift took a second to plot his response. "That's not an unreasonable fear at all, Marian, no. Given what he's been through and how long you've been apart, I'd expect he can't be exactly who you remember. We're all four years older than we were four years ago."
"...That's what worries me," the vixen confessed, looking over to see the sheep had stopped filing her hooves to give her a heartbroken look of her own.
"And I understand that," Thomas consoled her, "but if I may say… if he was still the same person deep down after the first three years apart, I trust he's still the same at heart now. I'm certain the part that loves you is still there."
"I-I know it is, but…" She knew exactly what she wanted to say, but hesitated to say it. "...Argh, that's kind of the problem, Dad, he… I… I don't think this is the right way of putting it, but it… hrm… it almost feels like he's taking what we had for granted?"
Her father found that curious. "Could you elaborate on that?"
"Well, like I said, I… I feel that's not the best way to phrase it, but… maybe? What I mean is… I get the impression he thinks I'll always be there for him? No matter what?"
"...Like you're an object he's entitled to?"
"N-no, not that, but…" Of course, now that thought was floating in her head. "...More so that he, erm… that he doesn't need to try to maintain the parts of himself that I loved so much-" She cut herself off with a paw over her mouth. "Oh, God, that sounds terrible, that sounds like I'm saying I should withhold love for him if he's not exactly who I want him to be-"
"No, no, Marian, no, not necessarily," Mr. Swift assured her, "let's analyze what you meant by that. Did he - hrm, how should I put this? - are you saying he changed in a way that simply makes him less than perfect, or has he changed in a way that's quantifiably bad? Because if it's the second one, you'd be well within your rights to say you don't love him like you used to if he's changed for the worse."
"No, I do still love him like I always did, I-!" She forced herself to take a breath. "...But I'm not sure that he's still there. I'd never felt this way about him before, but… but… I love him, but I'm not sure this is him. A-and I know you said you think he's still there deep down, Dad, but-"
"Marian. Marian. My love. You can calm down, I'm not angry. You know the situation better than I do. Do you think he's changed for the worse as a person?"
The vixen wasn't about to cry, but she felt closer to it than she was expecting; her father's voice might have been keeping the tears at bay more than she knew. "I don't know, Dad… and I don't like that. Like we said, he's been through a lot since we last saw each other and that surely would mess with anyone's head, but… I don't know how… permanent that effect might be…"
"...Has he said or done anything specific to give you this feeling, or… is it just a feeling?"
She glanced down at her lap. "...He was kind of a dick at dinner last night."
"To you?"
"No, no, he was nothing but a gentleman to me, it was more, more, er… more in the way he spoke of his friends, calling the people he helps ungrateful, and…" She almost didn't have the courage to say it. "...I did tell him that I gave other men a chance while we were apart, and… he didn't take it well. Not at all."
Thomas could be heard sighing. "Well, he is a guy. Even though he likely did the same-"
"That's the thing, Dad, he swears he didn't. And… and as much as he adores the aesthetic of, say, a sailor going to sea and he and his wife stay loyal while apart for so long, I… it might sound foolish, but I'm inclined to believe him."
Her father was quiet for a moment. "...Fucking hell, maybe he isn't a guy after all! Going YEARS without… Christ Almighty, next time you see him, inspect whether one of his hands is softer than the other-"
"DAD!" Despite feeling embarrassed and a bit grossed out, Marian still had to laugh. "...But precisely, Dad, he's not like other lads, he never has been, and… and…"
"And now he's acting like any other lad, and you feel like what made him special is gone."
"...Kind of."
She could swear she heard her father nodding sagely over the phone. "I'll say this much, love: from the information I have… I think he's just going through a tough spot and he's not acting like himself. I don't think this is a permanent change, I think he's still there somewhere. I think he's still the tod I'd be more than honored to call my son-in-law… though dear God, if you two had kits, they'd likely be bigger than me straight out of the womb, that would surely knacker my self-esteem as a man-"
"Dad!" Mari chuckled at the imagery she knew was ridiculous.
"...But do you know what I know for a fact, my dear? That you can assess the situation better than I can. Because you're an intelligent… kind… marvelous young lady, mature beyond your years, and you've got the wits to figure out what's up and how to deal with it."
She just nodded silently; Mr. Swift's fatherly instincts could tell.
"I love you, Marian."
"I love you too, Dad."
"And whenever things make being an adult too tough, when you need to feel like a child like we all need to sometimes… you can always come feel like a child with me."
"I know." But she also knew that as the calendars kept turning, always wouldn't be always.
"How are you feeling, love?"
"...I…"
Her father was a great one, but even he wasn't infallible, and inadvertently putting a bunch of thoughts of everyone growing older and their youth and beauty fading and their hearts and minds deteriorating - not just her dad's, not just Robin's, not just her own, everyone's - was sending her train of thought down a very gloomy line. Despite Thomas's best efforts to ward them off, the feelings of hopelessness finally got to his daughter.
"...I feel like I'm losing him, Dad… I… I…"
"Marian. Marian, don't cry."
"I'm not-!" She was. "I… I might be overreacting, it was only one bad night with him last night, but during that bad night, I… I'd waited so long to be with him again, and I finally get the chance, and, and… it feels like it's not him anymore. It's not the him I agreed to marry! It-it's him, but it's not him, it felt like I was with a shell of the man I loved! A-and, okay, that was only some of the time, some of the time he felt like he'd never even left, some of the time it felt like we were kids again, but there were still those times where… I have never felt that with him before, Dad, that I was with him but I wasn't with him, I wasn't with the him I knew and loved…" She paused to breathe. "...I have never felt that way around him before, Dad. Not four years ago, not ever. It feels like I've already lost him."
"I understand," was all Mr. Swift needed to say.
"...Am I being dramatic? Thinking he's a stranger just because he's… not entirely like I remember?"
"You aren't being dramatic, my dear, what's happened to you has happened to a lot of people. Absence often makes the heart grow fonder, and perhaps you've… perhaps you've grown accustomed to an idealized version of him that never really existed."
"I mean…" Marian sniffled before glancing at her ovine friend, "...someone has made sure I didn't remember our time together as nothing but sunshine and rainbows."
Annie just rolled her eyes.
Thomas chuckled. "Point taken. But… you always told her right back that you just didn't think those flaws were that flaw-y, didn't you?"
She found herself smirking. "I did."
"Well, there you go! Ha ha. But my point, Marian, is… go easy on him, but more importantly, go easy on yourself, too. It's been years, you're both different people, that happens to everyone… but you're still yourselves. Of course, if he starts acting dangerous, get the hell away from him, but… ah, call me overly trusting, but I don't foresee that happening. My advice to you, my daughter, if I may… try to fall in love with each other all over again."
Marian nodded thoughtfully. "That's… very well put, Dad… thank you."
"Of course, my love. And remember, a month ago you were afraid he wouldn't even be here anymore. Things between you two might be rough at the moment, but be grateful you even have the opportunity to patch things up. Some people don't get that chance, and they often come to regret it."
"...Yeah…" she kept nodding. "I am grateful."
"That's my girl." He stopped and sighed. "...Speaking of relief that he's still out there… we missed our chance last time. Shall I contact Brianna and Oliver and give them the good news?"
"Oh-! No, no, we shouldn't, we… we mustn't tell anybody-"
"Are you certain? Oliver at least has his boyfriend to lean on, but Brianna, she… she really isn't doing good, Marian. In my estimation, she could really use the good news."
Marian was quiet as she reflected on that.
"...Wouldn't you want to know how your son was doing?"
"...I would very much like that…" she murmured. "...But… but no, I fear it's been too long, she'll be furious that we knew all this time and withheld that from her."
"Hrmmm, I dunno, Marian, that's the kind of news where you'd think the joy would outweigh the frustration of being left in the dark for security reasons. Telling someone their son has secretly been alive for years is a lot different than telling them their son has secretly been dead for years."
The vixen laughed in agreement. "Yes, but… ah, as you said, we missed our chance, and now I just feel there would be some animosity if we didn't tell them four years ago."
"I will respect your wishes, my dear." A beat of tranquility passed. "How are you feeling now?"
"...Better." And she meant it. "Thanks, Dad."
"Oh, I'm just doing my fatherly duty," he remarked. "...And just so I'm up to speed, does he know your secret yet?"
"Hrm… much for the same reasons, I'm afraid he'll be cross that I didn't tell him last time," she confessed, "though I am going to make an effort to tell him when the time is right. He deserves to know."
"You're a brave young woman, Marian, don't forget that, you can do it. And if that tod is worth his tail, he won't hold your nerves against you." His warm smile was just about audible over the phone all the way from Worksop. "...Do you mind if I leave the toilet now?"
"You may."
"Thank you, my love." The door unclicked. "But I'm glad to hear you're well-"
"TOM!" Caroline could be heard hollering. "Did your daughter tell you that that Sheffield boy proposed to her years ago!?"
"She did, actually!" And she had, years ago, when it first happened. "Ah, I must be going, darling. Stay safe for me, would you please?"
"I will, Dad. Thanks."
"I love you, Marian. And so does your mother even if she doesn't understand the trials and tribulations of being a thespian-"
"THOMAS!"
Marian giggled. "Love you, too, Dad."
"Goodbye."
"Goodbye."
The line disconnected and the vixen put the phone back in its charging stand, turning back around to fold her hands on her lap and stare at the wall as she contemplated.
"...What's it like havin' a dad who isn't an arsehole?" Annie asked when the silence became worrying.
Half the vixen's mouth curled up and she exhaled sharply out of her nose. "What's it like to have a mum who isn't an absolute… bitch?" she chuckled.
The sheep just nodded glumly, regretting her attempt at humor. "...Are ye ready to go meet the lads?" Their diversionary plan this time was to feign absentmindedness while making lunch by microwaving something with a twist tie on it, causing a small fire.
"Just about…" Mari muttered as she swung her legs off the bed. Then she realized something. "Oh!" She grabbed the phone again and dialed hastily. "There is one more call I should make before I forget…"
And a good thing she did, since Sunday was the one day of the week that he surely wouldn't be busy with work. The phone rang a few times as she listened with a smile, waiting patiently for the lion who was a very respectable third behind Robin and Thomas on her list of favorite men.
"Helllllo, Uncle Rich!" the vixen greeted sweetly when he answered. "How are you doing today? I-"
"..."
"...No, no, this has nothing to do with your brother, Klucky and I are keeping him in check. But listen, I was hoping you could assist me with… a bit of a pinch I've found myself in, shall we call it. So during the move, it seems I've somehow replaced my driver's license! Would you perhaps be able to use your powers as a congressman to, oh I dunno, have the DMV send me a new one so I don't need to travel back to the District?"
Annie turned to glance at Marian, who winked with the eye that was already stuck mostly shut. The ewe returned to her hoof-filing.
"...Oh, you… you actually don't have the power to do that."
The sheep turned around all the way and saw the worried look in her fox friend's good eye.
-IllI-
"...Shouldn't he be teaching us this stuff?" the kit grumbled as he gestured with his head towards an empty avenue between the trees.
"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Johnny asked, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.
"He's the one who's good at this stuff."
The bear allowed himself to look outwardly displeased. "Ya really think I ain't picked up some of it from Rob over the years or are you bein' an asshole for the fuck of it?"
It was a little bit of both; he didn't think Johnny was unqualified, he just thought Robin was more qualified and Eddy wanted the best education he could get. But Robin was off escorting the ladies to the spot in the forest they'd found for target practice, nowhere near the compromised location of their former campsite but still plenty far enough away from civilization to give them a private place to practice. And said practice wasn't going as smoothly as the young fox had hoped, and dissatisfaction with his training staff was one of a few contributing factors causing his frustration, for which being rude to an elder was one of the least-unhealthy ways for him to decompress.
"I think you're just gettin' pissy because you're not immediately good at this and you're takin' it out on me," Johnny continued when Eddy didn't say anything; he wanted to tell this insolent little shit off for questioning his skill, he wanted to badly, but he was telling himself to be the adult this situation needed - or to handle this situation as perfectly as stupid perfect Robin would handle it. But the latter was a stretch goal.
"I'm just sayin' I'd have more faith in the product if I heard it from the expert," the kit said with a nonchalant shrug, trying to look as cool as possible in front of this adult he was trying to impress.
This attempt failed miserably. "Faith in the product," the bear repeated in incredulity, "kid, the fuck are you talking about-!?"
"The, fuckin', y'know, bow and arrow shit!" Eddy stammered defensively as he gestured at everything they were doing. "I'd listen to you if you were tryna teach us how to, like… eat an entire pizza in two bites or something! But this is his thing! I'd be a lot more inclined to buy what he's selling."
And this was the statement that inspired the other ursine present to pause his struggles with threading the string into his arrow, turning his attention to intervene in the spat between two people he cared about.
"I think Mister Johnny is a good Bow and Arrow Stuff teacher, Eddy," Ed said with a melancholy mix of optimism for their future with concern for their present squabble. "I already feel more like Zebulon Zero battling the Quumphadorians with his atomic bionic arrow-shooting arm!"
"Aw, thank ya kindly, young man," the older bear said with a tip of a phantom cap. "And for the millionth time, kid, stop calling me 'Mister Johnny'. I'm not your teacher, I'm your friend!"
"You literally just said you were our teacher, though.. " Eddy scoffed under his breath, but evidently the big bears couldn't hear the little fox all the way down there.
"But my dad says if I call grown-ups by their first names, he'll hit me upside the head with a tire iron," Ed lamented, "...and then make me eat it!"
Johnny's warm look disintegrated on the spot.
"...Did I make you mad, Mister Johnny?"
"Huh? N-no, kid, I, uh, just… I don't think I like your dad's sense of humor." At least it damn well better be a sense of humor. "...B-but hey, kid, you're almost a grown-up yourself now, too! What's your dad say you're supposed to call adults when you are an adult?"
Ed looked unsure. "My dad says he'll tell me how to be a grown-up when and if I make it that far and don't do something stupid with Double-D and Eddy to get myself killed first."
Literally the only thing giving Johnny the strength to not show his fury at Mr. Browne was the knowledge that it would scare the poor cub if he did. "...Well, he certainly sounds like a Papa Bear, I'll say that much," he mumbled as he patted the young man on the shoulder. "Sounds like I gotta pick up ol' boy's slack."
The fox was bored out of his mind by this turn in the conversation. "Aw, of course you think he's a good teacher, he tells ya what you wanna hear. And it's probably the mauler connection-"
"Oh, no the hell it isn't," Johnny scoffed. "Kid, our people don't fuckin' like each other. We're a bunch a' standoffish, antisocial assholes who just see each other as competition - kinda like how your people are a bunch of aloof, too-cool-for-school douchebags who think they don't need friends because they'll disappoint them." And then his stern face flipped to a smile as he gestured towards the two boys before him. "And that's why we keep gravitating towards each other without even meanin' to. Our peoples compliment each other."
Eddy did not seem convinced. "Then by your logic, you should be a better teacher than Rob without even tryin'."
Johnny shrugged with his paws out and palms up. "Hey, you're right! Gimme that…" He bent down to grab the bow and arrow from the kit's hand and looked around the area. "Hrmmm… you kids see that tree branch that's fallin' halfway off?"
He pointed and the boys looked and saw it, a small twig still hanging off of a bigger branch.
"Yeah?" asked Ed.
Johnny didn't waste any more time with words; he set up the arrow, aimed the bow and let it fly. It wasn't an immaculate shot, but it was close enough to prove his point; if he was aiming at the fraction-of-an-inch-thick strand of wood keeping the branch intact, then him being off by an even smaller fraction of an inch and knocking the branch down by grazing it would certainly suffice.
He turned to the boys and gave a cool shrug again; Eddy was trying to hide how impressed he was, but Ed looked like he'd just witnessed Mother Teresa perform a miracle.
"I wanna be able to do that!" the cub cried.
"Hey, with some more practice, who's to say you can't?" With this, he bent down to give the kit the bow and arrow back, but he had trouble maintaining his encouraging expression as he transferred the weapon.
And perhaps this is as good a time as any to mention, Dear Reader, that they were practicing with old bows and dull arrows that the Merry Men had taken out of their regular rotation, for use only in emergencies or training situations like this, equipment they could afford to lose. Some had belonged to Robin, some were Johnny's, some were Tuck's or Alan's or even Will's, and still others had simply been communal. This is this narrator's awkward roundabout way of saying that… that, uh…
Eddy stretched his arm as far as it would go to hoist the coyote's former bow, just for the string to have to come to rest right up and down in front of him. He attempted to put an arrow in and pulled it back as far as he could, which wasn't very far, aimed at the Chunky Puff box sitting on a branch stump in a tree, and let go. It wobbled limply through the air before piercing the grass and soil at a ten-degree angle, five feet from the fox.
…Yeah, they didn't have a bow even remotely small enough for the diminutive kit. As you can imagine, that was not the greatest thing for his self-esteem.
"...Shit, we need to get you a smaller bow, don't we?" Johnny asked, his heart breaking for the kid already because he knew he wouldn't take that well.
Eddy didn't take that well. "I'M NOT TOO SMALL!" he hollered. "The fucking bow is too big!"
Johnny blinked nervously, unsure what he could say that wouldn't escalate conflict. "I… didn't say you were?" he attempted. "...Or that it wasn't?"
That actually wasn't that much more aggravating for the young fox, but the young bear's comment was.
"Eddy needs an Eddy-sized bow!" Ed guffawed.
"THE HELL IS THAT S'POSED TO MEAN!?" the kit snapped.
"HEY, HEY, hey!" Johnny barked, paws up to pantomime pumping the brakes. "Hey. Kid. I know it hurts. But you can't control that. But what you can control is how you handle it. Are you handling this like the badass you so desperately wanna be!?"
"YES!" Eddy screamed with all the exasperation of answering the world's stupidest question. "You guys think it's bullshit that people are broke, ya raise hell about it, and people think you're badasses for that! I think it's bullshit that people think less of me for being short, I raise hell about it, and people think I'm throwing a tantrum! What the hell is the difference!? Why ain't it adding up!?"
His head was turned straight up towards the sky as he shot daggers at the towering bruin, expecting his negativity to be returned in kind. Yet Johnny's expression was one of nothing but empathy. And being far more aware of the symbolism of their topography than he was comfortable with, the bear got on his knees and hunched his back down towards the little fox, not to condescend, but to demonstrate fully that he knew he wasn't so high above him.
"Nobody else is ever gonna have the mind to tell ya, kid, but we're a bunch a' stupid animals deep down, and for your problem… people are in favor of the bullshit. They agree with the prejudice."
Something that jarringly straightforward shattered the kit's commitment to anger, and he now resembled a child being told Santa wasn't real. "W-wait, what?"
"They agree with it," Johnny repeated without an ounce of joy, taking a moment to sit down cross-legged. "Like… not consciously, there aren't a lot a' sick fucks who'd say directly 'if you're tiny, you're lesser,' but… shit, like I said, we're dumb animals. Our primitive instinct is that bigger means stronger, stronger means a leader, and a leader means someone we can trust and feel comfortable around. When they say smaller people - if they see smaller people, if they ever look down - their instinct is 'oh, this guy's got bad genes, it's survival of the fittest and he's not gonna make it, let's just pity him and move on.' That's why goofing on it is socially acceptable. It's incredibly fucked up, but… shit, that's how it is."
Eddy's ears were folded flat back against his head. He looked crushed - and very, very angry that he was crushed.
"And because nobody thinks these things out in words, they're just feelings people have…" the bear continued, just to find himself struggling for words, "...people who ain't affected by it don't think it's real. So if someone tells ya 'aw, just learn how to have self-esteem and it won't matter'... man, they're not lying, they just don't know. Sometimes you'll hear that from other tiny people who don't realize that they've got something else making up for it - for some reason, I'm thinkin' a' Ronnie the Rat, this country elects one rodent president ever, and he's got movie-star fame and fortune with looks and charm that could give ol' Rob a run for his money - or sometimes you'll hear it from… Jesus, it's really rich when you hear it from some big motherfucker who just genuinely doesn't get it-"
"Like you!?"
Johnny's jaw hung open just a smidge at that accusation; suffice it to say, that was the furthest from the response he was expecting. "I, uh… I-I don't go around saying this too loudly because… well, because of everything I just said, but I… I thought I already told you, kid, I've been on both sides of the coin-"
"You did," the fox spat, "and I'll send you a memo when I start to believe it."
And while the bear was annoyed by this defiant skepticism, he shoved that feeling into his back pocket. "Well, lemme put it this way… if I was bullshittin' ya, would I have said everything I just said? Everything that you've been feeling yourself but never been able to put into words?"
The kit's ears stayed down, but they noticeably twitched. He wasn't saying anything, just letting his narrowed eyes do the talking.
"You need me to dig up some proof that I was misdiagnosed with dwarfism as a kid?" Johnny continued. "...And into my fucking twenties before a miracle happened?"
Eddy's glare cracked as his face twisted; such a thought just struck him as impossible.
"Because I can produce evidence if you need me to. Honestly, kid, I might be more of a genetic freakshow than that lanky limey bastard."
The fox broke eye contact as his eyes darted around aimlessly for a moment, then returned to meeting his mentor's.
"What's dwarfism, Mister Johnny?" asked Ed, still struggling with setting up his bow.
The older ursid chuckled. "Now there's somebody who's never gonna get it!" the teacher guffawed as he stuck a thumb in the direction of his fellow bear. "But listen, kid… I'm not gonna give ya false comfort, this is gonna be a negative aspect in your life. Anyone who tells you otherwise, they… well, like I said, they ain't lyin', they're just stupid. Like a deer tellin' a hyena they aren't gonna be perceived worse because they're a hyena, like what the fuck does the deer know? But what is true…" He paused to make sure Eddy was looking at his more hopeful-looking countenance. "...it's not the be-all-end-all."
Eddy didn't appear to be happier, but he did appear to be listening intently.
"People rip on tiny dudes for 'compensating' - no shit, you hafta! And this is how you do it…"
He handed Eddy back the bow, and didn't resume speaking until the fox accepted it.
"Max out your other stats," the bear explained. "Find your talents and get good at them. Find things you're not naturally talented at and work on them until you're good at them anyway. Be a good person to be around, be… fuck, just be all the things stupid Rob lectured you guys to be on Friday. Find other attractive and noble qualities and get them - skills, talents, attitude, mindset, fitness, fashion-"
"Money?" Eddy asked hopefully.
Johnny's expression went as blank as a television screen on channel 3.
Eddy's did the same soon afterwards. "Th-that, uh… that wasn't the, uh… best thing to say to someone like you, was it-?"
"Aw, you're not even wrong, part of the reason our jobs are so hard is that people do go gaga for fucking rich people." He shrugged. "But hey, let's say 'not being broke' and call it even, eh?"
"S-sorry, that was a, uh… bad, uh, bad habit I picked up from my brother," the fox stammered, "guy was obsessed with money, heh heh…"
The bear rolled his eyes. "Yeah, siblings don't make the best role models. But hey, moral of the story… I'll keep it real, being bigger would solve some of your problems, absolutely, but it absolutely will not solve all of them. Because you can be like me! I'm a big son of a bitch who you always notice when I enter the room. And because you notice me, I can't hide that I'm fat, and ugly, and even though I've lived here for twenty years, I still got enough of a drawl for people to think I've got a third-grade reading level. So even if I am a big teddy bear… man, I just can't compete with some cool, classy pretty-boy like Robin even if he is a dinky little shit-"
"Uh, yeah, compared to you!" Eddy scoffed. "There, look at ya! Ya go on this whole shpiel about how ya understand what it's like to be like me, then you group the biggest one of my people I've ever seen in my life in with me!"
Johnny gave him a look asking him to not be so ridiculous without having to actually say as much. "Remember, though, kid, most people ain't your people. Sorry to say it, bud, but even if the guy looks like he was the victim of medieval rack torture, it still rounds down in the grand scheme of things."
Not the first time that month he'd heard someone express such a sentiment. "Well, you and my brother actually agree on that one…" he grumbled as he folded his arms and gave a dirty look to an incidental tree.
The bear smirked. "Man, I wanna meet this brother of yours. I feel like we'd understand ya so much more if we did!"
"Pfft, good luck finding him, he's living in Zootopia pretending that our dad's dead, that our mom's living alone in the ghetto, and that I don't exist." The kit rolled his eyes. "Now he wants to have a brotherly relationship with me, but he basically just admitted that it's just because he's lonely."
Johnny just smiled at the ridiculousness of that, giving an eye-roll of his own; he figured this was a bit of a touchy topic and let this line of discussion drop, resuming a previous one. "Hey… lemme tell ya a little somethin' somethin'..."
"...What?"
The bear was stifling a chuckle. "So don't tell him I said this… purely a hunch… I think Rob secretly wishes he was, like… a wolf or something sometimes."
Eddy raised an eyebrow. "...Really?"
"Like I said, it's just a hunch. Nothing too big like me, just… y'know, medium-sized, maybe a little on the bigger side…" Johnny giggled, knowing full well that this was a silly thought. "Like, the guy knows his size commands attention… I'm sure he'd like to have that without being a shoo-in for chronic back problems any day now, heh heh… More than that, though, honestly, I think he'd agree his acting career might have actually taken off if he was a wolf like his hero, or… or a buck or something. Now that seems like something that could actually manage to eat him up inside!"
The kit just stared into the bear's eyes and thought about that for a moment. Part of him wanted to think Johnny was right; it'd certainly make Eddy feel less alone to know that even someone as badass as Robin could find himself wanting to be someone else just as he often did. But another part of him had to wonder if such a thing being true would definitionally tarnish Robin's 'badass' status; how badass can you be if you don't even want to be yourself? Hopefully still pretty badass, because Eddy couldn't foresee those feelings going away anytime soon.
"Ed can relate," the large cub narrated as he ventured forward. "Sometimes I wanna be a Groberesian flying cyclops from Children of the Infected 7, irradiating the blasphemous denizens of Europa 66 for their crimes against life itself!"
Johnny glanced back at Eddy to confer that he'd heard that right.
"Why, no, sir," the fox sneered, "I can't tell you why the names of all of his obscure sci-fi movies all sound like porn flicks."
The older bear chuckled lightly and turned back to the younger bear. "You been quiet, Ed. I hope ya don't feel like we're boxin' ya outta the conversation."
"Oh, so the invitation was on the table!"
The two boys were surely startled when the Englishman spoke, but the Southerner was downright spooked. He collapsed from his sitting position onto his back, yanking the bow and arrow out of Eddy's paws as he did, readying and aiming at the source. When he did, he saw the intruder was his fox friend chuckling cheerily, flanked on one side by the vixen trying to contain her own giggles, and on the other by a ewe who clearly wanted no part of this.
Johnny's arms and jaw went slack for the second his brain processed what he was seeing, and when his mind finally made up its mind, he threw the bow down in embarrassed indignation.
"Goddammit, dude! That's twice in less than twenty-four hours that you pulled that shit on me!"
"Ah, but what can we say?" Mari teased as Robin put an arm around her. "Foxes sneak!"
She and her tod proceeded to give each other Eskimo kisses, warranting Annie to openly facepalm - you can imagine, Dear Reader, that third-wheeling the lovebirds during their long walk through the forest hadn't exactly been the most spiritually fulfilling thing for her.
"Well," the bear grumbled, "I'm glad you idiots got through the woods alright-"
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE!?"
All the joviality and humiliation and disorientation in the air blew away in an instant at that outburst, everyone losing their respective trains of thoughts as they turned to the kit who evidently needed urgent attention. The one exception was Robin, who after taking a moment to process the question assumed a defensive position halfway in front of his vixen, not unlike he had when they were accosted the night before.
"Young man," he said sternly, "that's not how you talk to a lady. Especially not one you've not yet been formally introduced to."
Called out by a man he respected (well, y'know, as much as a kid his age can respect anybody), Eddy heard the alarm bells going off in his head the second the period in that sentence dropped. He promptly attempted course-correction: "Um, uh… what the heck happened to your eye?"
His bear friend, however, posed a better question.
"Were you attacked by the unkillable Constabularians of the militant planet Omgapa, always aiming for the eyes to blind their enemies before finishing them!?"
And then, a miracle happened. Ed threaded the arrow into the string and raised the bow.
"ZEBULON ZERO WILL AVENGE YOU!"
And lemme tell ya, Dear Reader, everybody freaked.
"SHIT, HE FIGURED OUT THE BOW!" Johnny roared in terror as he fell back down and covered his head. "HIT THE DIRT!"
But the others were already way ahead of him, diving for the ground and covering their heads, or in Robin's case, covering Marian's. Alas, the poor cub, off in his own little world, didn't realize that he was frightening everybody around him. So Ed pulled the arrow back. And he pulled it back. And Dear God did he pull it back, until the head of the arrow was actually back behind the bow itself, losing its ability to be steadily guided. The slightest twitch in the cub's paw could have sent it in any conceivable direction without warning.
And then he let go.
Thump.
It was such a muted sound that the others weren't even sure it had come from the arrow; the sound that actually got them opening their eyes and investigating was the metallic buzzing reverberation that sounded like someone had just flicked an old spring door buffer. That turned out to be coming from the string of the bow, caught in an awkward spot where it was expecting to be releasing its tension only to get stuck.
Ed had gotten the head of the arrow stuck exactly in the inside of the handle of the bow, hardly an inch above his thumb. Honestly, if he had done that on purpose, it probably would have looked pretty cool.
"Jesus Christ, kid, thank God ya didn't slice your own finger off," Johnny said as one big sigh of relief, getting up and grabbing the bow out of his hands. "Well, since this one's compromised…"
He extracted his pocket knife and cut the string just to make sure nobody was tempted to try using it again, then tossed it nonchalantly into what was becoming a growing pile of wasted weaponry.
"In any case, that was certainly one way to make a first impression!" Robin remarked as he stood and helped the ladies get to their feet. "But Annie, Marian, please allow me to formalize it: this is Ed and Eddy, the two lads who've decided they want to be just like us!"
The vixen found that phrasing chuckleworthy. "Hee hee… I see the resemblance!"
The fox kit wasn't sure what exactly to do, so he waved awkwardly and greeted them just as such: "Uh… hi?"
The bear cub was much more enthusiastic. "HELLO!" he said as he waved his arm as fast as he could.
"You already filled them in on everything?" asked the older bear.
"That I did!" Robin answered with a nod; everything in this case was understood to mean that yes, not only did these two boys share a first name, but there was a third boy with the same first name who was fortunately too smart and unfortunately too timid to join them, and while the Merry Men felt bad for breaking up a friend group and leaving the poor wolf kid all alone, the wolf kid in question was the nephew of one of their biggest foes, so, uhhh, yeah, this was probably for the best. Not to mention Robin repeatedly reassuring the ladies that this was all because of the boys' insistence, because responsible adults wouldn't involve teenagers in this, conveniently ignoring the part where in a fit of desperation Rob and Johnny had offered to them first before realizing that was a dumb idea, only to find out that Ed and Eddy were not accepting any takesy-backsies. Oh, and also the part where Ed kept referring to Johnny and Robin as future versions of himself and Eddy, respectively, and how that could be either adorable or weird depending on their mood. "And now, gentlemen, let me introduce you to my lovely fiancée Marian, and the bulldog who's been keeping her safe whilst I've been away, Miz Annie Clough."
Despite wearing appropriate outdoor attire, the vixen and ewe both curtsied with phantom gowns.
"Och, the pleasure is ours, lads," Annie said with a smile but a noticeable half-heartedness in her voice - not because she was at all unimpressed by the kids, but because she was profoundly unimpressed by Robin's neverending showmanship.
"We're so happy to finally meet you!" Mari added, sounding sweet and much more engaged than her friend was.
"But of course…" her tod began slyly, "...this is not the first time two of you have met!" He made very direct eye contact with the younger fox and beckoned him with a curled finger. "Young man, would you step forward, please?"
Eddy hadn't a clue what this was all about at first, but he did as he was told. "Uh… am I in trouble or something?" He knew this sounded like something a toddler might say, but it was what he was wondering and he wanted to know.
But of course, Robin wasn't interested in being that straightforward about it. "So you see, lad, when I said just now that that was no way to speak to a lady… it was good that you corrected your profane language, but that wasn't what I was getting at."
If you were to ask Eddy in that moment, he'd tell you the smirk on Robin's face almost looked sadistic. "Wh-what were ya gettin' at then?"
Truth be told, Robin wasn't getting a kick out of grilling this kid, but he was very much getting a kick out of having the chance to prove to Marian that he could classily edify Eddy to defend her honor. "I was referring, my boy, to how it was impolite to point out her injury - it's something that might embarrass a lady, wouldn't you think?"
The kit gulped. "Uh… y-yeah?" Now he saw where this was going.
And the older tod did indeed go there. "Not unlike how it would embarrass a lady to call her sir, as she tells me you did the other day-"
"Oh, Robin!" Marian hushed him; she'd been staying quiet, thinking the conversation was going in this direction but not wanting to assume anything, and now that her suspicions had been confirmed, she was nearly as embarrassed as Eddy was. "I didn't tell you that because I was cross with the young man, I… I brought it up to make a separate point altogether!"
"And I'm glad you aren't bothered by it, my love, but a lad his age should start learning how and how not to treat a woman," Robin said calmly with a single confident nod.
"H-h-hey," Eddy struggled, "sh-she's taller than my dad, and that guy's huge! I-I-I mean, not compared to you, no shit, but… c'mon, man!"
"And you couldn't tell a vixen just by looking at her?" Robin stopped to turn and gesture up and down at his fiancée. "You couldn't tell by her face and figure? By her… by her beauty, by her grace, by her… dear God, by her aura?"
Okay, yup, there it was, that was the exact moment it became clear to absolutely everyone that even if this was a talk Robin genuinely wanted to have with Eddy, the performative aspect of all of this was wholly for Marian's pleasure and not for the kit's education. Realizing she was safely out of the Englishman's line of sight, Annie locked eyes with Johnny and pantomimed shooting herself in the temple.
"Hey, uhhh, Rob?" the bear asked tentatively. "Maybe you and Eddy should be having this conversation in private."
"Lad," added the sheep, "ye're embarrassin' her but she's too polite to tell ye."
Annie was right for the wrong reasons; sure as the sun would rise, all this adorative musing would have melted the vixen's heart simply if not for the situation they were in - and Mari knew that Robin knew that. And yet here he was, the guy who often seemed like he couldn't be charmless if his life depended on it, doing something utterly socially baffling.
Yet it all seemed to add up, at least to Marian. In light of their tense conversations the previous evening, she found herself thinking that this was his way of ensuring that she knew damn sure that she'd never find another guy like him. And once that thought had been welcomed inside, it wouldn't take its leave.
"I… think you might also be embarrassing the boy as well, Robin," she murmured, trying not to further embarrass Eddy by loudly calling him embarrassed.
"Ah, but if he wishes to live a public life like we do, he'd best learn how to deal with criticism in an open forum!" Robin retorted brightly.
"Robin, seriously, it was an honest mistake he made." Mari was speaking much more shortly with him now. "He's not the first one to make that mistake and I… it was a lazy day, Robin, I wasn't dressed the most ladylike when he rang the bell. Tell me, is it gentlemanly to repeatedly disregard your lady's wishes?"
Ding ding. Robin had got got. But you already know he'd never show it.
"Ahhh, Eddy, old boy!" the Englishman said with a sighing laugh. "It seems we're both getting reformed today!"
Eddy nodded very slowly and slightly, not sure at first whether he was even expected to respond to that. But then he was struck by the notion that it wasn't too late to say what Robin had clearly wanted him to say three pages ago.
"...I'm sorry I called you sir… uh, ma'am," the kit said with his ears pinned back for emphasis. Bingo.
The elder foxes were each visibly pleased to hear that. Alas, before they could express their gratitude-
"I think you're a pretty lady, Miss Marian!" Ed spoke up.
The vixen's cheeks got a little warmer. "Oh! Er… thank you, lad!"
"Anyway…" Annie said with an impatient clap of her hooved hands, "what were we interruptin', Johnny?"
"Aw, just tryna teach these kids how to play defense," the bear answered before turning to the boys with a firm expression. "Defense, because we sure as shit ain't teachin' 'em offense."
"Yeah, yeah…" Eddy grumbled as he rolled his eyes. But nobody noticed him all the way down there; they were focusing on Ed picking up another bow and arrow and doing Ed things.
"And we shall defend the earth from the forces of evil, meanness, cruelty, and horseradish! Represented in effigy by this cereal box!" He gestured briefly towards their makeshift target before lining up his shot - and it was the strangest thing, but something about him having an urgent mission made all the right synapses go off for him to thread the arrow and steady the bow without even having to think about it. "DIE, CONSTABULARIANS, DIE!"
And once again, he pulled the arrow back further than it was ever supposed to go - but, like, even further this time. Nevermind retracting the head back past the handle, you could hear the wood starting to splinter.
The three foxes and the sheep all took evasive action all over again, but the elder bear took it upon himself to slow the cub's roll. "Whoa, whoa, whoa there, slugger!" Johnny said as he carefully but quickly approached Ed from behind. "How's about we walk ya through this?"
But it was too late. The arrow went flying - as did several large chunks of wood, two of which were connected via the string. When the bow shattered in Ed's hands, Johnny immediately ducked and dove, but the big guy just had too much surface area, and he still got a decent thunk in the love handle from an errant hunk of equipment.
The real topic of interest, though, was that arrow, now somersaulting backwards over even the bears' heads. I'd love to tell you in vivid detail and purple prose exactly what path it majestically flew, Dear Reader, but Ed was staring at the remnants of the bow still in his paws and everyone else had their eyes closed and covered. One of whom was the fox kit, who not only had his paws over his face, but was curled up into as small of a ball as possible on the ground, tail wrapped up and around his body and head. Good thing he did, too, because he soon heard a series of light thumps, and a second later, he felt something thin drape itself over him, a sensation not unlike walking into a spiderweb but heavier and… with just one strand?
Eddy opened his eyes. The two tethered ends of wood chunks were just ahead of him on either side of his snout. Pulling the string off and turning his head, he saw that the arrow had stuck in the ground right where his tail would have been had it been laid out straight.
The kit went limp, laying his head sideways on the ground as he contemplated what could have been. He didn't faint or anything, but his body sure was splayed out the way a fainted person would be.
"Aaand that is why we need to train you kids," Johnny said as he got to his feet, walking over and picking up the arrow before attempting to pluck it out of the string - just to find that Ed had been squeezing the butt so tight that the string had actually gotten stuck in the butt (Jesus, that came out wrong). Seeing this, he simply threw the debris over his shoulder; out of sight, out of mind.
"Never a dull moment with these lads around!" Robin joked as he helped his vixen to her feet for the second time in a mere few minutes. "But now that we've all had the chance to meet, Marian and I were hoping to have a moment alone, so if you'll excuse us-"
"Wait, what?" asked Eddy incredulously. "You just got here! We've been waiting for you for like an hour!"
"You did just get here," Johnny concurred flatly.
"We did just get here," Annie concurred flatly with the flat concurrence, raising an eyebrow at the vulpine couple.
"Ah, but you can blame me for this one!" Marian spoke up, highly aware that everyone thought that the two of them were gonna go make out like teenagers again and would rather they put that on her. "Just a conversation that I told Robin I'd rather have in private. But, er… before we go. Robin, which of these young gentlemen was the one you said could, er…?"
Ed and Eddy didn't know why she was pointing very unsurely at them.
"Could… what?" asked the young fox.
"Ah, it actually seems he's not here, my love," Robin observed before addressing the boys. "I suppose your other friend didn't want to join us?"
The kit and cub raised an eyebrow, but each for different reasons.
"I thought Double-D didn't wanna hang out with us anymore, Eddy," Ed said morosely.
"He doesn't," Eddy said dismissively before turning back to Robin. "You know that."
But the Englishman looked skeptical. "We knew he didn't want to join us on our merry adventures, but I was asking if he wanted to simply hang out with us here today… did you ask him?"
"Why would I do that?"
Robin looked irritated by that answer, but he didn't have a good response, either, except to put on his famous smile and get to the heart of the matter. "We were simply hoping we might be able to utilize his skills, lads. My dear Marian seems to have misplaced her driver's license, and… oh, boys, you've never been to a DMV, have you!? Oh, absolutely not worth the hassle and the negativity if you can avoid it! He made some bang-up fake IDs for us, I'm sure he could make one as good as real for her. And we'll gladly compensate!"
Eddy glanced back at Ed, hoping they could at least nonverbally confer via body language; alas, the cub was distracted thinking about their third friend and was preoccupied with staring off into space. So the kit turned back to the older tod.
"We can… ask," he muttered.
"Splendid!" Robin answered, waiting hardly a moment before turning around and leading Marian off to a secluded spot. "Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be back momentarily." And off they went without a word more spoken as the others watched.
Johnny waited a moment before he gave a sarcastic salute, flicking two fingers off his forehead. "Bye…" he scoffed.
Annie was no more impressed. "Fooking hell, I know they're foxes, but my God, they're horny…"
"What's horny?" asked poor innocent Ed.
The sheep completely froze, embarrassed that she'd forgotten there were youths around, while the older bear had no clue what to say and the young fox simply refused to explain it.
"Do foxes secretly have horns like rhinos?" the cub continued, then turning to his vulpine associate. "Show me your horns, Eddy!" Lunge.
"Wait. NO. ED!" Eddy yelped as he dodged his ursine cohort's dive, taking off running while Ed got up to chase him. "GODDAMMIT, ED, STOP!"
"Should we be concerned?" the vixen asked her tod when she heard the screaming coming from behind them.
"Ah, no, my love, you needn't concern yourself," Robin said with a smile and a dismissive wave, "even if their roughhousing goes south, I trust Johnny to have a handle on it. Recall, that's how lads their age play - I was the odd one for being so refined at that age, heh heh, take me out of your data set! But what did you want to talk about, my dear?"
A lot. Marian wanted to talk about a lot. And there were still other things that she most assuredly did not want to talk about but felt like she should. At least one thing, however, had the benefit of recency and a reason to bring it up.
"I… something interesting happened this morning. Something that got me… thinking."
Robin was intrigued. "Ah! What was it?"
She was putting a lot of thought into how she should present this. Should she be somber, should she match his optimism, should she be as straightlaced as possible about this, et cetera. And a large part of that was because she knew if she didn't consciously choose her emotions-
"So my… pfffffft, my uncle, he… heh! He nearly choked to death on a… on a sausage this morning…!"
-she would be possessed by a case of The Giggles as she attempted to relay such absurd but grave information.
But all was well; Robin found that hilarious just as much. "Ha! Oh, you… you're serious?"
"...I am." She was still stifling her amusement.
"Bloody hell, why couldn't that have happened while I was there to witness it!?" her fiancé cackled. "Oh, to be a fly on the wall! Ah, but this begs the question… why did this have to be private!? Heh, I'm sure Johnny would have loved to have heard that!"
His laugh was infectious, but the gravity of the situation was her vaccine. "Well… it's because it had me wondering- argh, I suppose I could have asked Little John's opinion on this as well, but I…" She decided to stop wasting time justifying the privacy and just spit it out. "...What if he did choke to death, Robin? What happens then?"
The tod kept smiling, but his chuckling did trail off, and he raised an eyebrow at a question he never saw coming. "Why, then you'd swear a tornado will have blown through this city with all the people breathing great sighs of relief!"
Maintaining her own smile at this point became a bit of a chore. "...Y-yes, but… then what happens?"
The only tell that he was confused was a canine cock of his head. "Well… then he's dead! Then we all live happily ever after! What, is there any doubt in that?"
The vixen just stopped smiling. "Robin. Let's pretend that I arrived with the news that your greatest enemy and your raison d'être just ceased to exist in a very sudden and incredibly stupid way. That's it, you've outlasted him, you've beaten him, you've won. And yet you're still a criminal with a list of offenses longer than the Great Wall of China. Please walk me step-by-step through what you'd be doing in the subsequent hours and days. Explain it to me like I'm a child, Robin. Please."
That did the trick of getting through to him. But even with the person he trusted more than anybody else, he would never admit to finding it a wee bit intimidating to be put on the spot like that. "...Ah, I see! Very well then! I admit, that would be jarring, but Johnny and I would push through it and get to work! Sounds like we'd have to do some talking-up with the people in charge of selecting his successor - some enchanting here, some enrapturing there, and some beguiling in between! - and make sure they put up somebody who would be a more competent and compassionate leader than Prince John ever was-"
"And if that doesn't work?" Marian asked bluntly. "If they don't listen? If they install someone who simply continues the corruption unabated? Perhaps even somebody worse?"
Robin remained cool. "Can't say that would surprise us. Sounds then like we'd have to pay that new mayor a visit and put the fear of God in them not to abuse their-"
"And Sheriff Woodland? Where does he fit into all this? Do you have a plan for dealing with him, or are you just hoping the new guy dismisses him? And what if whoever replaces him isn't any more merciful?"
The tod chuckled to break up the tension. "Hardly the worst luck we'll have had, but we'll find a way! Johnny and I are smart, and we've got two smart ladies and countless other allies with us to help us brainstorm tactics! No matter what, we'll figure something out. Worst comes worst, we can probably organize with the people of the city to form a mass protest and-"
"Oh, because protests are just such foolproof solutions!"
That was enough to get Robin to adopt a more serious expression. "...I don't recall the woman I left in Washington being the kind to mock protests as juvenile wastes of time."
"ROBIN, that is NOT what I MEANT! You KNOW that is NOT what I…!" She stopped and forced herself to regain her composure - not for his comfort, but for their privacy. "...Robin. This is serious. This almost wasn't a hypothetical. This almost happened. Today. I worry about this because I love you. Now please answer me directly: when my Uncle John is gone, what is your plan to no longer be a wanted vigilante?"
The dashing smile came back, ever so slightly. "As you said, though, perhaps the new bloke will be worse. Or it could be a woman! Old Maggie certainly proved women are equally capable of being evil in positions of power! But if we need to keep fighting the-"
"So you're just going to keep fighting forever until you die or get thrown in prison - until you die." Marian was making a very conscious choice to make her displeasure transparent. "Robin, I… I want you back eventually, Robin, I…"
"Marian! Marian…" the tod cooed as he put his hands on his vixen's shoulders and began massaging them. "It's alright, I'm right here, you do have me back!"
"Robin, you bloody idiot, I mean-!" A breath as she forced herself to remain calm. "Tell me exactly how this can end with you being a free man."
"I-"
"I don't count being a modern-day outlaw living off-the-grid as free."
A beat passed; his hands were still on her shoulders. "Indeed, my love. But… if you know me to believe in one thing, Marian, it's that the arc of history bends towards justice. One day - I believe this - there will be someone in power compassionate enough to understand why my friends and I did what we did."
She waited for more. It never came. "...And… what, drop the charges?"
A wink. "That's how it worked for Adam Bell!"
A blink. "...R-Robin, you… he's a fictional character, Robin."
He smirked to mask his offense. "Come now, Marian, do you think I don't know that?"
Sometimes I wonder… "You… Adam Bell was fighting an illegitimate monarch and was pardoned by the rightful king, you're fighting a repeatedly-democratically-elected mayor of a city-"
"Only because the political machine wouldn't allow a viable competitor-"
"-and the private civilians who voted for him."
Robin took his hands off and gave her the smile one gives a loved one being unreasonable. "Let's also not forget that election numbers are swayed by a lack of polling places in poor neighborhoods, employers refusing their workers' rights to leave work to vote… there's a very strong case to be made that he's not so legitimate after all! And we can take this to the new mayor, we can take this to the new sheriff, the governor, hell, maybe Richard can get the president's ear, but knowing that bellend-"
"You don't have a plan."
And the smile was gone again. "I never had a plan, Marian, I had a goal. And the knowledge that I was clever and resourceful enough to figure it out along the way. And seven years on? I'd say I've done quite well for myself! As they say, planning is essential, but plans are useless. I always find a way. You know that."
She was quiet for a moment as she took that in. "...So you don't have a plan."
"Marian, I love you, but you're overthinking this. What I have is better than a plan: talent, skill, intelligence, an ability to adapt and improvise, invaluable allies…" And he put his good paw back on her shoulder while pointing at her tenderly with his bad one. "...And one damn good reason to keep fighting. All those things combined are far greater than a plan with none of them."
After a second, the vixen simply nodded slowly, pondering if there was anything more she could say. "If only we should all have your confidence, Robin."
"A gift I wish I could give." And back was the irresistible smile.
But when she smirked softly in turn, it was entirely to hide the fact that she was resisting his smile. She was tempted to say it out loud, but she didn't: the reason she'd wanted this to be private had nothing to do with distrusting Johnny's ability to make a plan as well as Robin or to shield the teenage boys from the reality of the situation. It was wholly so Annie wouldn't get a kick out of seeing the tod proudly admit that he had no idea what the hell he was doing.
"I have no idea what the hell I'm doing," the young tod grumbled as he struggled once again to work a bow and arrow many times too large for him.
Johnny looked over from trying to help Ed with his own piece. "Honestly, kid, I respect that you ain't givin' up, but I think you might just hafta cut your losses at this point."
Eddy tossed the bow down as hard as he could to emphasize his frustration, but the short distance from his arm to the ground meant that it didn't make much of an impact. "Then what'm I supposed to do!? Just stand here and watch you giant motherfuckers practice!?"
The elder bear agreed that that was a valid grievance. "Gimme a sec, kid," he said to his fellow ursine before walking over to the fox, not entirely sure where he was going with this. He stood before the kit, looked around for ideas, and came to pick up a sizable twig from the ground. "Uhhh… here, practice staff fighting."
Eddy accepted it, but he didn't quite know what he was accepting. "The hell is this?"
"It's a staff."
"...It's a stick."
"No shit it's a stick. But it's also a staff now."
"It's a fucking stick."
"Well a staff is a type of stick!" Johnny bent down again to pick up a similar twig, eyes shifting between it and the fox a couple times before he dropped it. "Aw, this is stupid, the size difference is just too unfair. At least for a beginner."
"Don't remind me…" Eddy rolled his eyes.
Instead, the bear dropped to his knees - which with his short ursine legs and built-in cushioned seat meant he was still something like seven feet tall now rather than eight. "Alright, use me as a target. I'll even put my arms behind my back."
The kit found this preposterous. "You want me to beat you up with a stick while your arms are behind your back? When am I gonna be fighting an enemy with no fucking arms!?"
Johnny was quiet for a moment as he envisioned Eddy getting into a scuffle with one very specific person. "H-hey, don't think of me as an enemy who can fight back. Just, just pretend I'm a punching bag."
"Aaand you wouldn't rather I just did this with a tree."
"Yup. Let 'er rip. Just remember what I taught ya, two hands at all times-"
Oh, Eddy used two hands alright, holding the twig like a baseball bat and pounding on the bear's gut like someone vandalizing a car with a political bumper sticker they disagree with. He was letting out all of his frustrations, with everything, and dear God did he have a lot of them. At a certain point, he was assaulting Johnny's stomach out of frustration with frustration itself, that damnable emotion that endowed the worst parts of anger and sadness with none of the cool parts of either. Then he went past the meta and found himself frustrated that the only person allowing him to take his frustrations out on him was someone who… Jesus, he actually didn't want to take his frustrations out on this person, like he did want to take his frustrations out on someone, but not on this person in particular, this bear who at the very least was making more of an attempt to understand him than anybody else in his life, certainly more than that stupid awesome amazing British cocksucker who they were both so bitterly jealous of. And yet Eddy still was frustrated with Johnny, because even if the bear wasn't the the coolest dude you'd ever meet like Robin was, Johnny was definitely still up there, and he was huge and strong in ways the little fox kit could never even hope to be, but that wasn't his fault and Eddy knew that, but that didn't make Eddy less frustrated, so now he was frustrated with his frustration all over again, and, and…
And eventually Eddy realized the bear's belly wasn't just jiggling from getting whacked with the stick. Johnny was trying to suppress a giggle. At first, the kit interpreted this as mockery of his poor battle form.
"What're you laughing at!?"
"I… pffffft, I'm not laughing at you, I just… Maybe stop with the sparring-"
But Eddy resumed the sparring, and when the bear began giggling again, the kit paid very close attention to the spasms in his teacher's diaphragm. What he saw… well, let's just say it frustrated him even more.
"Am I fucking tickling you!?"
"Uh… a little bit?" The giggles trailed off again. "Hey, I didn't know the leaves would feel like feathers!"
In a fit of embarrassed rage, Eddy swung the stick hard enough to snap it against Johnny's stomach. "You think this is fucking cute!?"
"Hey, I toldja to stop!" Part of the bear was amused, part of him was vexed that the fox hadn't been listening. "I didn't want any more of a part of that than you did-!"
"Are we tickle-fighting now!?"
Eddy and Johnny stopped and turned to look in horror as the younger bear bounded towards them, arms out and fingers wiggling. Eddy was already on his feet, so all he had to do was turn around and turn on the jets. Johnny, however, was still on his knees, sitting on his own feet no less, so now those were halfway numb. He was as good as a sitting duck.
"Wait, KID, NO!"
Off on the sidelines sat Annie. She'd been kindly observing, letting the boys do their thing without her intrusion, and now she had a front-row seat to see the younger bear tackle the older one, the older one wrestling with him to get out of it and avoid the wormy claws. And the sheep was going to pieces watching it play out; the WWE couldn't script better entertainment.
"There ya are, ya little booger!" Johnny declared triumphantly when he was able to get around to Ed's back and put an arresting arm around the cub's neck. "No tickles from strange children! I'm willing to jail for a lot of things, but not for that!" he quipped as he started giving Ed a playful noogie, which the young bear clearly enjoyed based on how much he was guffawing.
And somewhere along the line, the older bear realized that the ewe was having a hoot of her own.
"Well, at least you're enjoying this," he joked in Annie's direction.
Annie swallowed her laughs. "Sorry, lad, I just… och, I know you have your, er, reservations about being touched in certain ways, but that was just the cutest kind of funny! …And the funniest kind of cute!"
But Johnny seemed to find that an odd response. "I mean… I don't always have a no-touchie policy, just like I said, these guys ain't my kids, that ain't appropriate," he explained as he let Ed go.
Upon hearing that, however, Annie had to try not to look too… disheartened might have been the word. Not because she was disappointed that this guy didn't wish to tickle-fight teenage boys he barely knew, but because… perhaps we should say that comment had her wondering about how her faux pas the previous night fit into it all. Was his answer here to protect himself from embarrassment in front of the kids, or… had she and she alone struck a very particular nerve the evening before?
Ah, not to worry, Ed was there to take away the awkwardness and replace it with something more awkward than you ever thought possible.
"My dad puts me in headlocks like that too, Future Me!" he told his older counterpart as they each stood up. "But when you do it, it feels fun and not just like you're mad at me! And it's not hard to breathe and you're not screaming really loud in my ear!"
Johnny maintained a completely blank expression as the gears turned in his head. When he made up his mind about how to respond to that - which is to say, to not respond to that - he turned to the only other adult around to muse on something. "Y'know, I might not have some sixth sense for bonding with kids like Rob has, but I feel like I'm at least doing a better job than some a' these kids' folks."
"Och, lad, I think ye're doin' a perfectly good job!" the sheep insisted. She turned to the fox kit. "You seem like an honest critic, lad! Tell us, is Mister Johnny 'ere doin' a good job a' bein' somebody ye can trust?"
The ewe was right; the cynical teenager had no intention to mince words. Trouble was, he had no idea what they wanted him to say to answer a question that vague. "I, uh, I mean… he's definitely less of an asshole than my old man is. Seems to know what he's talking about, I ain't got any reason to think he's lying to impress me or… fuck, I feel like you'd at least tell me when ya don't know some shit, my dad'd just act like he knows everything…" He threw his arms up, words failing him. "I mean, I wouldn't take his advice on, like… dieting and exercising and stuff like that-"
"Seriously!?" Johnny demanded, throwing his own arms in the air. "That's what's in the front a' yer mind!?"
"Och, Johnny!" Annie chuckled from the sideline, finding the kit's remark completely inoffensive because she quite fancied the bear the way he was. "The lad didn't mean it like-"
"Ya ever seen a bear who doesn't have a gut!?" the bruin continued ranting. "It doesn't look right! They look like Holocaust survivors! You'd remember if you ever saw a mauler who wasn't overweight because they're always health nuts who can't shut the fuck up about their gym routine!"
"J-Johnny, calm, er, calm down…" The sheep wasn't chuckling anymore.
"Hell, they'd still be talkin' to you to this very day about how they haven't eaten sugar since 1998-!"
"JOHNNY! Johnny! Johnny…" the ewe pleaded with him again, this time succeeding. "Don't forget that before that, he was sayin' all good things! Or… heh, as good as you can expect from a lad his age!"
The bear looked back inquisitively at the fox kit, who stared back looking as unengaged as possible.
"I mean, hey, I'm choosin' to spend my time with ya, ain't I?" Eddy sneered. "How often do ya think me and my dad just… hang out?"
Johnny nodded very slowly, begrudgingly accepting the boy's acceptance. But there was one more question he had, something others might call unwise to ask, but something he nevertheless wanted to be said out loud.
"...But if you could only choose one, wouldja prefer Robin?"
Eddy grimaced like that question was dumber than the abstract concept of shit itself. "Wul yeah, of course."
Johnny didn't look hurt; he just looked like someone who'd had his cynical suspicions vindicated, a face that screamed I knew it. Annie, meanwhile, incensed on his behalf (and annoyed that this disrespectful little shit would choose stupid Robin over her crush), gave Eddy a death glare that went largely unheeded, and Ed…
…Hoo boy, he looked like he was about to cry. "...That was mean, Eddy," he whimpered.
Do I even need to tell you that Eddy didn't care? This narrator feels like conveying that information is purely a formality at this point. "Hey, he asked me a question and I answered," the kit scoffed as he crossed his arms. "And he's always goin' on about how that British fucko's the better one anyway!"
"I did say those things," the older bear admitted dejectedly as he turned to the younger one, hoping to take his mind off of it. He picked up the bow and arrow again "But hey, back to you, kid, let's work on your form again. You were able to thread the arrow a minute ago, can you do that again?"
Ed tried. He really did. But after a few seconds of trying to stick the string in the hole (goddammit, that doesn't sound much less risqué), he stopped trying and just glowered at the troublesome pieces of this vexing puzzle. Maybe he was overthinking, maybe he was underthinking, but either way, he wasn't thinking just the right amount.
But what puzzled Johnny was what was making this such a puzzle. "You kids just graduated middle school, right? I'm surprised they ain't taught ya even a little bit a' archery in gym class…" He shrugged in introspection. "Then again, I grew up with a bunch a' bird hunters, so maybe that's why they stuck it in the curriculum."
"The rich kids up in Lemon Brook have archery in high school," the fox kit grumbled. "They got everything! And you know they got everything because they display their shit right next to the road! Drive past and ya see their outdoor shooting range right between their hockey rink and their field for, like…random Olympic sports no one even knows the name of. Like the one with the spears and… and that one that's just spinning around and throwing a ball that I only ever see giant pieces a' shit like you doing, like you throw it from your neck or something?"
"They have a field for fucking shot put?" The instructor was slackjawed for a moment before tutting his tongue and shaking his head, turning back to his pupil. "Hmph. Fuckin' rich kids. But… hey, why was it that you were able to suddenly set up the shot perfectly when you thought you were fightin' the… Constables or whatever?"
"The Constrabularians!?" Ed gasped.
"Yeah, sure, whatever, those guys. Where'd that magic come from?"
Ed put a finger to his chin as he tried to think about it, but he wasn't sure how to do that. "I don't know."
Johnny pondered that, looking back and forth between the bow and the young bear himself. He and everyone else were quiet as they wondered what he was wondering.
"Was it just… was it just that the, uh… urgency of the situation made somethin' click?"
The cub's eyes went unfocused for a moment as he thought about that. "...Maybe?"
"Shit, kid, most people choke under pressure, you might need the pressure!"
"If he doesn't choke under pressure," Eddy spoke up bitterly, "then how come as much as the teachers and his parents tell him to stop bein' an idiot, the only reason he hasn't failed a grade yet's because they made that illegal?"
That disparaging remark about the younger bear offended the older bear more than the remark about preferring the Englishman did. "Well, unlike fightin' the Constantinople-ans, school sucks." He handed Ed the bow and arrow. "Ight. So. As an experiment, alright? Try to thread the arrow again."
Ed tried again. It went about as well as expected.
"Okay, now…" Johnny peeked at the target as he made sure he wanted to do this. "Ya see the cereal box?"
"...Yeah?"
"That's a Constanti- Constable-" the teacher rolled his paw as his eyes wandered for a moment. "...It's a monster."
"A MONSTER!?"
"A secret monster!"
"SECRET MONSTER!"
Ed didn't even blink as he popped the arrow onto the string, raised it to his eye, and teed up his shot perfectly.
Johnny hardly had time to do his job. "Well hey, hey now, don't pull too far back this time-"
Ed didn't hear him; he was in the zone. This time, the cub did not actually pull too far back, but he nevertheless pulled the arrow back far enough that the head was up against his thumb. Without a thought, he let go.
He didn't just pierce the Chunky Puff box perched on the knot; the arrow went all the way through and impaled the tree behind it. And then some.
Out rang a sickening low-pitched crackling sound, like someone pouring acidic milk into a bowl of demonic Rice Krispies. The sheep, the fox, and the two bears could only stand and watch as a seam ran up and down the trunk of the tree, the looser half dislodging from its roots and sliding away from the other, falling over just to be caught by its neighbors, suspended there like a hopelessly inebriated man propped up by his drinking buddies. The crackling sound was replaced by the chorus of a thousand branches rustling against each other, and if that wasn't deafening on its own, the protests of birds evicted without warning was probably enough to drown out your own thoughts.
Johnny turned to Annie: "Ohhhkay, so… if we're still doing this vigilante shit four years from now… and these kids are adults who can make their own stupid decisions…" He pointed to the scene before him. "...I dunno what the fuck this is, but I wanna harness this and weaponize it."
"What the hell just happened here!?" Robin yelped as he and Marian walked briskly back into the clearing. He saw the arrow sticking out among the cataclysm and his brain started connecting the dots. "Did he do that!?"
He was pointing at the teenage bear. The adult bear wasn't very impressed by this feat of deductive reasoning.
"Well, it definitely wasn't this guy," he spat as he gestured to the diminutive fox. "...We gotta get this kid his own bow, Rob."
"Oh, you… think he'd benefit from learning on a composite?"
Johnny wasn't sure whether his friend was fucking with him or not. "...I think he'd benefit from a bow that's actually his size. And come to think of it…" He buried his lips in the crook of his hand while he double-checked that he wanted to say this. "...I think he had a good idea the other day."
Understanding that the guys needed to have a conversation, Marian leaned towards Robin to tell him something in a voice just above a whisper. "We can, er… finish our talk later."
And thus they had a date for the night.
-IllI-
And he'd tried telling this guy repeatedly that a dude his size would have trouble "blending in" anywhere, but Xavier Quick was just a tough guy to talk to, and a skittish piece of shit like Thor most assuredly did not have the charm to break through to him. This was, after all, the same cheetah who had already remarked unflatteringly upon the polar bear from what he'd heard over the phone, Xavier saying that the unholy depth of Thor's voice was wasted on a guy who spoke with all the conviction and confidence of a toddler who'd just wet the bed. Xavier just didn't care; it would be a fool's errand to try to make him start now.
But at a certain point, you had to consider the viability aspect, didn't you? The dealer knew he'd be meeting a polar, and yet told him to meet him in an alley in a neighborhood with very few homes or businesses suitable for a guy his size. Similarly, Thor had made it very clear to Xavier that he already had a rap sheet and didn't want to add drug running to it, but the cheetah simply explained that in this line of business, there's no room for anxiety, and implored the bear to stop being a little bitch. Still, you had to wonder why Xavier thought having Thor wait there so conspicuously was a good idea; all he'd said was that he was doing Thor a favor, so Thor had damn well better make it convenient for him.
What was convenient for the feline, however, was extremely inconvenient for not only the ursid but also anybody else who needed to use the alley. One side was businesses, the other was apartments, and on no fewer than four occasions did somebody have to venture down there to throw some garbage away, only to find the big son of a bitch taking up most of the width of the gangway. At least one doe was startled enough upon turning the corner and seeing him that she audibly gasped and dropped her garbage bag, ripping and spilling all over the ground, while one red panda working at the Nepalese restaurant, upon struggling to get a large pile of broken-down cardboard boxes past the often-sedentary bear's belly, was brazen enough to ask him in a transparently judgmental tone what exactly the hell he was doing just loitering there.
Thinking quickly, Thor had told him that he'd been passing through on foot, but as a member of an Arctic people, he'd needed relief from the summer sun and was standing there to cool off in the shade. The Himalayan restaurant worker didn't seem satisfied with that, but he left without a word all the same. But that just wound up stressing the polar bear out even more; now that he'd played that card, he knew he couldn't stay there for too much longer or his story would fall apart, especially if that red panda came back and interrogated him again.
He started checking his watch more and more impatiently; each time, less time had elapsed than the last. If the June weather wasn't enough, the anxiety was getting him feeling sweaty. And you just gotta wonder how many calories he was burning with how violently he was shaking his foot. Oh, the things he would do to fast-forward to a time when cell phones were affordable and commonplace so he could at least get some reassurance that this dude was going to show up. As much as Xavier didn't seem pleasant to talk to, Thor could hardly wait one minute more to see him.
"...God DAYUM!"
The cheetah was barely in the polar bear's line of sight before the big bear was clearly in the cheetah's. The dealer had been wearing cheap wraparound sunglasses, but he took them off to literally size up his potential new business partner.
"Man, I knew I was gonna be dealin' with some big-ass polar, but I didn't think it'd be some Andre the Giant motherfucker!" he continued, noticeably in a much more hushed voice.
Eh, still not the worst reaction anybody had ever had to his stature; he didn't even feel the need to respond to it. "A-are you Jaime's friend?"
The cheetah started to scoff, but seemed to realize halfway through that this might have just been how this sheltered polar bear talked. "...Yeah, he's my friend," he said as gently as he could, still sounding sarcastic.
Thor tentatively extended a paw for a handshake, but caught himself and reformed it into a fist for a bump. "H-hi, I'm Thor-"
"Man, who else would you be!?" Alas, Xavier was in no mood for niceties. "...You got a license or an ID or somethin'? Lemme see it."
A shockwave ran through the bear for a moment; the incongruity of that request worried him. For a few seconds there, the wild thought crossed his mind that perhaps the cheetah was a cop and this was all a sting operation, which at this point in his life would have been as good as a stick in the eye. But the moment passed, and Thor thought he'd found clarity: perhaps Xavier, being much more experienced with this kind of thing, wanted to make sure he wasn't a cop, or at the very least wanted a name he could remember lest he find himself betrayed. No longer seeming an unreasonable action, the bear pulled out the rubber-banded collection of stuff that constituted his wallet and extracted his license to let the cheetah take a gander.
Xavier scrutinized it faster than Thor was expecting. "Ten foot nine, goddamn!" the feline exclaimed as he gave the card back. "That's even more than I woulda guessed!"
"...Did… did you only wanna see my ID so you could see how tall I was?"
"Of course, man, why else would I wanna see it!?" the dealer scoffed. "Actually, lemme see it again, I wanna see how much your big ass weighs-"
"Aren't we here to do something?" the timid giant asked as he slid his license back into his pocket.
"I thought we did, but then you show up with that!"
The bear looked down and realized what the cheetah was gesturing to. "Wh-what, my shirt?"
"Yeah, your shirt! I toldja to dress to blend in! Ya couldn't just wear somethin' blank!?"
Thor was too confused to be embarrassed. "Well… most people wear shirts with… stuff on them these days, I thought a solid-color shirt would almost seem more suspicious-"
"What the hell is Rush!?"
Thor blinked. "...Y-y'know, the band!"
Xavier blinked right back. "Band?"
"...You don't know the band Rush!?" This was the most commanding the cheetah had ever heard the polar bear speak. "They were my favorite band growing up! Probably the best band to come out of Canada since The Guess Who! They're like… a source of national pride for us!"
But the dealer was unmoved. "III… think you gotta remember, man, you and me just grew up in different cultures."
Aaand just like that, Thor was feeling timid and awkward again after that call-out. "...Oh, w-well, I, oh yeah, I know that different people just grow up differently, I-I mean… remember the people I work with! Like Jaime! Heh heh… um…" He trailed off and looked around for a moment, secretly waiting for validation from Xavier that he understood that Thor understood that different lived experiences were different; this validation never came. "Just, uh, y'know, not saying you'd listen to them, just thinking you'd heard of them at some point, like… I don't listen to Run-DMC, but I still know of them-"
"We here to talk music or we here to do business?"
Thor clammed up and made himself reset his train of thought. "...S-so how did you wanna do this-?"
"The only way to do this, man," the cheetah said as he looked around. "Make sure nobody's watchin', then just do it. A'right, we good. Where's the product?"
Double-checking that the coast was indeed clear, Thor pulled a bag of his homemade painkillers out of his pocket. And it was a pretty big bag, probably a quart-size Ziploc, but it fit comfortably and inconspicuously into the pocket of a huge guy like him.
Xavier accepted it with an unmistakable look of disgust. "My dude, you're supposed to keep the goods in a jacket pocket so they don't get all sweaty and nasty."
"I'm not wearing a jacket."
"I know you're not wearing a jacket, why aren't you wearing a jacket!?"
"Dude, it's already like eighty degrees out-!"
"And you think I'm any more comfortable in this?" the feline said, gesturing to his hoodie.
"Well your people are from a lot warmer climate-!"
"So what are these exactly?" Xavier had no time to divert from business talks.
Again, Thor bashfully accepted that he wasn't in control here. "...My attempt to make nonaddictive painkillers. For your, uh… regulars to test-drive."
The cheetah nodded thoughtfully as he inspected the baggie. "And you're just given' these to me? For free?"
The bear's brain misfired; the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. "W-w-wait, was, was you paying me for them an option-!?"
"Shhhh!" Xavier warned him as he began walking off. "We're tryna be discreet here! I got your number, I'll let ya know what they think."
"A-and that's it?" the poor bear asked, arms out and begging for clarification. "How, uh, how long should I wait?"
"Man, who the hell are you?" the dealer spat as he rounded the corner. "I'on know you." And then he was gone.
-IllI-
Mayor Norman was sitting around contemplating his own mortality and how much it would suck to die. As the day had gone along, the sausage incident had stopped seeming like a mere annoyance and the gravity of it all had begun to weigh upon him. The thought that a stupid piece of foodstuff could end him before he saw that damnable outlaw brought to his own end? John was acutely aware of how wretched it was that he was thinking about such a significant life event as death in terms of how someone else would be involved, but hey, here he was.
Sheriff Woodland and Deputy Nutzinger had already taken off to patrol the city aimlessly, hoping to maybe catch the criminals, maybe find the runaway ladies, maybe happen upon a really interesting car crash, whatever. They weren't there for him to vent at. Even Rocky had been sent home for the day, albeit as a reward and not as a punishment; not only had the rhino saved the lion's life, he'd also extinguished the fire that those silly women had started in the kitchen. Prince John was pissed at his bodyguard for once again losing sight of Mari and Annie, but all that thinking about how he was only alive because of Rocky being competent at an important skill made the mayor realize that he should probably be merciful. That just left Charles, who was keeping his distance, doing housework. And speaking of housework…
The sound of keys turning in locks was enough for Mayor Norman to get off his ass and investigate. He was expecting to catch his rascally god-niece and her impertinent friend red-handed after a long day of screwing around and pissing him off. He was half right.
"...Miz Klinger!" he said in genuine shock. "Where have you been? A-and… where is Marian?"
"Och, I couldn't tell ye me'self, laddie," the ewe replied airily. "The lass and I got separated. We had an agreement: get separated, just meet back up at the house."
"Separated where?"
"In the park?" If you didn't know that she was simply putting less than zero effort into her alibi, you might think she was doing a lazy job of sounding sure of herself. "Walked past a church, a huge congregation walked out, we got lost. It happens."
At no point had she stopped moving to talk to him; avoiding eye contact, she simply walked past him down the main hallway and was now heading up the stairs.
As you may imagine, Dear Reader, this really pissed the lion off. "Now hold on just a minute there! Where on earth am I to look for her if you're already here!?"
Only now did the sheep come to a stop, turning around on a stair halfway up the flight to address him. "I know it's difficult to fathom, Johnny, but Mari and I are separate people. What she's doin' at present is none o' my business! Now if you'll excuse me, lad, you're havin' me up at an ungodly hour to assist yer assistant who needs no assistance." And with that, she turned around and continued upwards.
"You haven't even been assisting with the assistance!" the mayor shot back. "Where have you been the last three days!?"
"We didn't agree to work seven days a week."
"It was part of our arrangement that you do!"
"Was it in writin'?"
"IT WAS UNDERSTOOD!" He was borderline roaring at this point - as much as that skinny kitty could. "BLOOD AND DAMNATION! Where is your sense of work ethic!?"
Annie didn't turn back around until she got to the top landing. "Kick us out then if ye feel that strongly." And off down the upstairs hallway she went.
"OH, LIKE YOU FAILED ACTRESSES COULD REALLY SUPPORT YOURSELVES WITH NO MARKETABLE SKILLS!?" the mayor hollered, leaning on the newel post to get his voice as close as possible without actually taking a step upwards.
"We're smarter than ye think, Johnny, we'll find a way." And somewhere upstairs, a door slammed, and the conversation was over.
Flustered and fuming, Prince John went back to the parlor room to sulk, curling up into a ball on a loveseat and barely resisting the urge to stick his thumb in his mouth, stopping himself instead at repeatedly grazing his thumb claw with his front teeth. He wasn't even sad, he was just flummoxed about how he should have had complete control of this situation on paper but in practice had very little. Of course Annie and Mari were separate people; they'd be a lot easier to corral if they weren't.
And he found himself thinking that there was one big take-that he could issue to the ladies, though it might have the consequence of taking him down with them if he wasn't careful with it. But could he be careful with it?
Or perhaps a better question, did he have a better option at this point? Little did the Merry Men know that their enemy in this Seven Years' War was also growing weary of the time that had been lost. Something had to give. But what? Did he dare follow his assistant's advice?
His mind was wandering to the strangest of places; for the first time, he found himself pondering whether the ladies would retaliate if he pulled the trigger on this. Would they or could they, he wondered. Marian would surely desire to get back at him, but in John's head, she was a sensitive ladylike female woman who would probably just weep incessantly and accomplish nothing vengeful; as for Annie, however, the mayor regarded her as a deranged crypto-lesbian who would not hesitate to murder him while ululating in Gaelic if push came to shove. All he could think was that the vixen was a crafty fox and that the ewe was for all intents and purposes a ram, and that the two of them posed a formidable challenge.
Damn the two of them! The two of them were such a thorn in his side. First he was being vexed by one fox and their corpulent friend, and now another fox and hers? What he would do to be able to wage an attack of psychological warfare against the ladies to turn them against each other like he did with the imbalanced wanted posters of the Merry Men. But no, these ladies were inextricable and that was that.
…Oh. Wait. Duh.
I shit you not, Dear Reader, Mayor Norman stood up, went to his home office, and started doing something mayor-y. Two mayor-y things, actually. Or one mayor-y thing and one bossy thing. Either way, he was doing stuff, all towards the end of getting others to do less stuff that he didn't like them doing.
