Chapter 13
Summary: There is a rescue and a reveal
"So the thing is, this is stupid."
"Jeffrey!"
Shirley smacked him and he pretended to care, and then she turned back to the group, thankful that he had only whispered that to her. They both knew the best course of action at this point was to play the game, and they had just briefly convened and compared notes while a paint-splattered Britta was yelling at Abed.
They were on the same page. She suddenly wondered if Devon was jealous.
She turned and saw him standing next to Annie and watching them, so she made her way over to him to explain. Annie stepped away to rejoin Jeff so they could have some privacy, but it turned out she hadn't needed to be concerned.
Devon chuckled and said, "You and Jeff go way back. You both know how this ends, I assume?"
"We do."
He let out a low whistle and exclaimed, "Thank god." He then nudged his head past her to indicate Annie and Jeff, who were now seemingly only having eyes for each other. He whispered, "Those two. Annie tells me they're planning to go on their first official date. That's cute."
"Maybe we should go on a date." She batted her lashes, for she was feeling like her bold self again, and it was wonderful.
His grin gave her all the information she needed, but he punctuated it with a "Heck, yes."
She leaned against him and turned back to watch Britta huffing in indignation as she stomped away from Abed, who was now accepting a pigeon landing on his outstretched suited arm.
At the image of this, Britta groaned, "Oh for crying out loud!"
Annie shushed Britta, and they all watched as Abed, fresh from victory, liberated the scroll and let the pigeon free. He proceeded to silently read the message and then announced,
"We need to go to the diner so I can get my cherry pie."
"What about the ten thousand dollars?" Devon asked with an expression of incredulity.
Abed waved off this question with one hand while snapping his fingers on the other. "No time to waste! Let's go see Shelly!"
xxxxxxx
They all wearily entered the diner, the waitress whom Shirley had now long forgotten her real name smiling broadly as they entered, a giant cherry pie in her hands.
"Mister Nadir! Congratulations!"
Shirley glanced around and noted there were a few other patrons in various booths and she wondered how many of them were in on it, how many of them they had already crossed paths with during this murder investigation. She was sure that was a blob of pink paint on the one man's shoulder over in the corner booth.
Abed, staring adoringly at the waitress, actually seemed touched, a half-smile of his own forming as he sat down at the counter and tucked in a napkin so it was basically a bib.
"Don't want to ruin my suit." He explained although no one else was really focused on that by this point.
The waitress seemed to accept this without any judgment and placed the pie on the counter and began to slice it, Abed asking her to give pieces to everyone. After a long and tedious process of cutting, Abed instructed her to make sure there were three additional pieces.
Shirley smiled inwardly as she knew now. She knew.
As they all received their slices and were standing around awkwardly, forks aloft and Jeff muttering about carbs. Abed said to the waitress, "You can tell Audrey to join us now."
Shelly smiled impishly and then looked toward the kitchen, Abed and the rest of them following her gaze.
Sure enough, Audrey was slowly walking toward them, her wrists tied loosely with rope, her eyes open wide. Following her was Dean Grassley, also tied, the crook in his lip very noticeable Shirley thought but otherwise bearing an uncanny resemblance to the Dopple-Dean, or she supposed it was the other way around.
"My hero!" Audrey exclaimed as Abed jumped off his stool and ran to her, pulling her into his arms in a hug, her tied up wrists jammed into his neck.
"I missed you, kid."
"Aww, babe, I missed you too. You have no idea how terrifying it's been."
While Dean Grassley stared around in what appeared to be legitimate confusion, Abed proceeded to untie Audrey and then allowed her to more fully embrace him. Shirley decided she'd give this one a pass, but she really hoped this would be the end of this nonsense. She was eager for the ending.
She whispered to Jeff, who was standing by her side holding his pie, "Is that real?"
"Who knows, Shirley. I don't question that stuff anymore. And really, is it that important?"
It was only then that Shirley noticed Jeff was only holding the plate with one hand and his other was fully wrapped around Annie's. She smiled and knew what he meant.
Turning toward Devon on her left, she smiled.
He whispered, "You think they really kidnapped the Dean? He was in on it, right?"
"Um, I don't really know."
Dean Grassley continued to look around and silently mouthed in their direction, "Help me."
Shirley looked away and back at Abed and Audrey. To her relief, they had parted and Abed was now going back to his cherry pie. Audrey followed and sat next to him at the counter, and Shelly slid over her plate.
Britta of course untied Dean Grassley, and that was when Devon began shaking his head and muttering something about the whole thing being weird. Shirley sighed and then began to eat her pie. It was delicious.
Abed announced, "Everyone, eat up. This is the best damn pie I've ever tasted."
After several minutes of silently munching, Shirley having practically forced Devon to eat his piece and Dean Grassley letting bygones be bygones after receiving his slice, as he explained to them all that he and Audrey had been eating ice cream all day, Abed cleared his throat.
"Who fed them the ice cream?"
A now fully bewildered and exasperated Devon answered, "Their kidnapper I assume."
"Exactly." Abed slowly stood and clasped his hands behind his back. He began to pace in front of the counter, everyone's eyes on him.
Shirley warmed inside, knowing they were close. Close to the finale.
"I see it all clearly now. Bumbles was found bloodied on the steps, there were too many weak suspects but no clear forerunners. I suspected Detective Butcher had been faking his paralysis, and I was right." Abed paused and glanced up at Devon, his gaze not one of condemnation but of intrigue. He added, "It's a classic trope, one our former study group member Pierce would have done. He faked his heart attacks all the time and frankly if he hadn't actually broken his leg in season two he would have faked being in a wheelchair at some point for certain. And he would have faked it all so that he'd keep us close. So thank you, Detective Butcher, for doing that. It added an element of interest for me, and it threw me off the scent."
"Scent?" Devon frowned and waited.
"You were a diversion. I figured it out eventually that you didn't really have a motive for killing Bumbles other than perhaps to keep Shirley close to you, but then I realized faking the paralysis itself would accomplish that. Plus I considered you wouldn't have any reason to send me the cash, the note, or Audrey.
"Hey, babe. I missed you so much."
Abed turned toward Audrey, who was blushing furiously as she swiveled around on her stool and said, "And you. You tell me someone hired you. I didn't ask too many questions about that and let you assume I assumed you meant hired as driver, but really you were hired to play a role."
At this, Audrey tilted her head and said, "Maybe? But it wasn't all acting. Because I lo.."
Abed turned swiftly around and addressed the room, "And the recorder! Someone is letting me communicate with them! We know Frankie didn't send Diane!"
A suddenly furious Audrey yelled, "I'm insane? No! I'm Audrey Hormel, and I get what I want!" She jumped off her stool and ran toward Abed, and to everyone's gasps, she kissed him smack on the mouth. Abed wriggled frantically and then stilled, letting it happen and Shirley made sure her um hmmms were loud enough for him to hear, having no time for this nonsense. Plus it didn't fit for what she wanted to happen.
Suddenly, she realized what she very much wanted to happen, what she felt in her deepest heart was the most true. And Audrey Hormel didn't fit into any of that.
She found herself screaming, almost pleading, "Abed! Agent Dale Cooper put an end to the foolishness with Audrey Horne! They didn't get together! Please!"
She tried swatting off both Jeff and Devon's arms as they grabbed her, for apparently she had run forward and was now inches away from Abed and Audrey. At this realization, she stilled and Abed and Audrey stopped kissing, Abed slowly turning away from a disappointed Audrey and locking eyes with Shirley.
"You're right. Thank you."
"You're welcome, sweetie."
Abed whispered something to a sullen Audrey, who then nodded and slowly walked over to resume her seat at the stool.
Once again, he addressed the room.
"The Dean was kidnapped and replaced by a Dopple-Dean because the Dean would have stopped the paintball game."
"And what was so important about paintball?"
Abed, visibly taken aback in indignation for a moment but it was subtle, answered Devon, "There needed to be a paintball game so that the victor could come here and get their cherry pie…"
Devon interjected, "And ten thousand dollars…"
Abed shrugged and continued, "so that then we could discover that Bumbles was alive all along. For look guys, there he is hiding in the corner booth."
They all turned and gasped, and it was definitely Bumbles, wearing his beret with a patch of pink paint on his shoulder. He waved to them all.
"Hey guys. Thanks for solving my murder."
Abed smiled and then turned toward Shelly.
"He can come in now."
She smirked, "Who? You have to guess."
Abed nodded, "Of course. I had three theories. Let me share them with you all."
Devon groaned, "Can we please speed this up!" and Shirley promptly shushed him.
Abed cleared his throat and explained, "At first, and I've been alluding to this all along if any of you have been paying attention. Shirley, please tell me you noticed I mentioned him in scene four."
"You said Pierce faked his death and was in the Philippines!" Shirley giggled and jumped, for it was something she had noticed. And all the references to Pierce throughout.
But yet she knew that wasn't it.
Abed said, "Alas, as intriguing as that would be, it would only be moderately interesting for the average viewer. And then the payoff? We'd have Pierce back and really no one wants that."
Devon leaned in and said to Shirley, "That's a little mean, isn't it?"
Britta nudged her head in between them for a hot sec and said, "Nah, he was a jagwad. Plus, I already knew he faked it. Let's just leave him alone over there."
"You knew? How?" Shirley turned toward Britta, and now the room fell silent as everyone heard her. Abed moved closer and awaited the reply.
Britta scoffed, "Well, we all kind of assumed. But then I had confirmation, see I was talking to …"
Abed cut her off with a gesture of his hand and said, "Don't. It's not time yet."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"Huh?"
"Yes."
Britta's eyes widened in confusion and she stepped back and Abed once again gave her one condescending nod before he resumed addressing the group.
"My next suspect was of course the person full of the most chaos, the person who would think of cooking this whole thing up to mirror our time at Greendale, who would then have the gumption to kidnap the Dean and then feed the Dean and Audrey ice cream. Oh, I should explain that Audrey really did faint because she wasn't clued in to the deans being swapped and was genuinely upset. I got that right?" Abed looked over at Audrey for confirmation.
"Yes. He didn't want me to give the surprise away and also apparently thought it would be a good plot development."
"Exactly." Abed smiled again for a split second and continued, "So some crazy bastard lets her faint, then kidnaps her, then feeds her and the Dean ice cream in the back of the diner for an entire day while Shelly here is serving the best damn cherry pies I've ever tasted."
Shelly winked at him while she topped off his black coffee.
Annie squeaked, "Crazy bastard?! You mean Chang!"
Abed cocked his head and gave her finger guns, Annie hopping up and down for a few seconds in delight to Jeff's thinly veiled bemusement.
Abed continued, "But of course, it's not Chang either. He would've made himself the star and we would never have gotten this far. Plus he would have sabotaged Shirley and the Detective for sure. I'm not clear exactly how, but his streak of vengeance is just too mean to allow that cute cozy couple to exist."
Shirley gasped as all eyes went to her and Devon. And she felt tears in her own eyes as she and Abed shared a moment. She had nothing to say for she knew the boy was so full of love for her, and she reciprocated that with so much in her she never knew she was capable of. Her heart had grown ten thousand times larger since she had started at Greendale.
Abed suddenly snapped back into mode and looked upward. "So of course it had to be…" He looked at Shirley and she smiled broadly.
She knew.
"Should you reveal it, or shall I?"
She shook her head and said, "It's all you."
"You're a great detective, Shirley. You should find a way to keep being one."
"Thank you, hon."
Abed opened his arms wide and shouted, "It couldn't be anyone else but that sea-fairing pirate!"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Shirley exclaimed.
The resulting hush from the crowd, perhaps due to everyone realizing that now was the moment when nothing else could be done but wait, filled the atmosphere with both a nervous and excited anticipation. Then the lights dimmed and a familiar voice boomed from the back of the diner.
"Miss me?"
