"Aww, c'mon ya big wuss!" badgered Aqua. "This quest is offering 100,000 eris and all we gotta do is kill some weak little goblins! Don't wimp out on me now!"
After we overslept due to Aqua's hangover and me not being a morning person, we had to throw our clothes on and skip taking a bath just to make sure there were any quests left. We may smell the very stables we sleep in, but we'll live. Besides, unless it's the dead of night and no one is awake, I can't clean myself in a public bathhouse anyway. I respect my privacy far too much to strip buck naked in a room full of toned, slender, nude men; they make me feel way too hot and bothered (and maybe a little inadequate).
Seriously, if there's even one late-night straggler in the bathhouse with me, I can't bathe. I just have to awkwardly stand outside and wait for them to leave.
God I miss my master bathroom…
Look, the point is, we overslept and now we're paying the price for it. Most of the easy difficulty quests have already been taken by other noob adventurers. We were hard-pressed to find anything else that was within our current Level.
That is until Aqua found a quest that seemed just right for us to start grinding. But once she mentioned how goblins were involved…
"Oh no, I am not taking the risk! That creepy mohawk guy told me there are these monsters called Rookie Killers that share a symbiotic relationship with goblins. They protect them from predators, and in return they get to use them as bait to lure in rookies like us! Hence the name, ROOKIE KILLERS! So not happening."
"But we'll make quick and easy cash out of it!" Aqua argued.
"And that saber-tooth will make quick and easy snacks out of us!" I argued back.
The Archpriest/goddess slapped the flyer back onto the board while giving me a disappointing glare. "You know what? Fine, scaredy-cat! If you think you can pick a better quest than me, then go right ahead!"
I returned her glare with the evil eye before double-checking the board for something more doable.
Help me find my lost pet. He's a white wolf! The reward is 27,000 eris.
You mean there's a wild animal like that on the loose!? Call animal control, not adventurers fresh off the grill you JACKass! Yes, I know what I said.
Seeking a tutor in swordsmanship for my son. Applicants must either be a Rune Knight or a Swordmaster. It pays 9,000 eris an hour.
That's what you get for homeschooling your son: unreliable strangers that pass you by.
Would you like to take part in my magical experiments? Only those with high HP or strong magical resistance need apply! Willing to pay 50,000 eris plus overtime to those who want to stick around for more~
You'd have to be a hardcore masochist to voluntarily sign up for something shady like that!
Man, all of these quests blow! They're all either for advance classes or thrill-seekers looking for an easy out. There's gotta be something we can work with here…
Wait – I may have found something. Near the bottom of the board, there was one last easy quest that nobody else took for some reason. Well, I'm sure there was a reason, but beggars can't be choosers.
I peeled off the flyer and read it to my blue-haired associate. "Try this one on for size: 'Giant Frog mating season has arrived, and the beasts have been eating livestock outside the fields of the city. Kill 5 frogs. 3-day deadline. 5,000 eris for each frog brought back dead. The meat will be used to serve tonight's dinner'."
Aqua made a disgusted face and stuck her tongue out in disapproval. "5,000 for an overgrown amphibian dead? We made that much during our week of community service! I don't think so."
And I thought I could be stubborn.
"Would it kill ya to help me out here? It's the only manageable quest left we can do. Plus, we have three whole days before it's due – that gives us plenty of time! Can't be any worse than getting mauled."
"Why should someone such as me have to come into contact with slimy frogs for so little money? I'm a goddess, everyone in the Axis Sect. worships me. I shouldn't have to lift a single finger on a quest this demeaning. I should be spoiled, spoiled, and spoiled rotten gosh darn it!"
Aren't you rotten already? For badness' sake, is this really what everyone saw me as back home?
For as much as I toyed with the idea of strangling this airhead, I still needed her help gaining XP if I wanted to survive. Besides, it's gonna take a while before my JackBots are up and running anyway.
So, through clenched teeth, I slowly hissed, "If you agree to this, I promise to do all of the work and you will get full credit for it. Deal?"
"See? That wasn't so difficult now was it?"
Yes, excruciatingly so. And don't you dare give me that damn smile, it's way too nice and sincere for someone like you to have.
Just sigh and move on, Jack. Just sigh and move on.
"Alright, well, now that that's settled, we've got another problem on our hands: how are we gonna do this if we don't have any money for gear or weapons?"
Suddenly, a meek and timid voice tried to make its presence known to us. "Um, e-excuse me? Is it alright if we h-help you…?" Even though it failed in doing so, it was practically right next to us, so we turned to look.
Two teenagers, one boy and one girl, stood before us. The guy was around my height and looked like he didn't necessarily wanna be here. His hair was brown and shaggy, his eyes were green, his skin somewhat pale (though nowhere near the level of my skin), and he wore – in my opinion – an ugly green tracksuit.
The voice trying to get our attention belonged to the girl. She had a slight blush tinged on her cheeks and while she seemed like she wanted to be here, she also looked ready to flee if we so much as blinked. She had brown hair like the guy behind her, but with red eyes like mine. Her outfit consisted of a small black robe and pink miniskirt that went together with her red hair bows and pink necktie.
Also, it would be remiss of me if I neglected to mention HER HONKIN' HOOTERS! GODDAMN! Her spinal column must be in shambles right now.
But in all seriousness, why am I suddenly meeting so many hot girls after my death on Earth? First Aqua, then Luna, now this chick. Are these supposed to be three of my seventy-two virgins or what? But I'm not Islamic, nor am I particularly all that religious to begin with. It might just boil down to sheer happenstance.
In fact, while we're on the subject, most of the men and women I've encountered in this one town alone are significantly more attractive than the ones I've ever met on Earth. I mean it, if you were to compare anyone in Axel to anyone in, let's say, Medieval Europe, I'm sure you'd be able to spot the difference. Despite what those commercial fairy tales might spoon-feed you, people from the Middle Ages were unattractive, unhygienic inbreds. That's the ugly truth ladies and gentlemen.
With that being said, are humans in this universe just inherently more beautiful than the ones in mine? If so, then this is both a blessing and a curse for me. As an awkward, mostly introverted virgin shunned by his peers, this was a dream come true. However, as an awkward, mostly introverted future dictator of a new world order, this was very distracting. And I'm easily distracted!
"Jack."
"Huh?"
Oh, it was Aqua. I got distracted by my own internal ramblings again. See what I mean?
"What's wrong with you?" she asked. "These guys were introducing themselves and you were just spacing out with a look on your face like you were constipated."
"I did not look like that!"
"Oh yes you did. I'll bring a camera next time to prove it~"
Ignore her, Jack. Just address your visitors and find out who they are. "Anyway, who are you guys again? I wasn't paying attention."
The red-eyed girl seemed to get even more flustered and she nervously stuttered, "W-w-w-w-wait, what?! You mean, y-you didn't hear m-my introduction? I-I don't know if I have what it takes to d-do it again! It was already embarrassing enough doing it the first time!"
The guy wearing the tracksuit looked annoyed but placed a supporting hand on the girl's shoulder to shut her up. "Oi, Yunyun, chill. You already went through this same song and dance with me the first time we met; you don't need to keep doing it with every other person we meet."
"But it's my clan's sacred greeting ritual! What kind of future chief would I be if I didn't uphold my people's traditions!?"
"Look, you already did it once for them, so it's fine. I'll just reintroduce us for space cadet over here since he wasn't paying attention. Cool?"
"…C-cool…"
He nodded, then turned to me. "Hey, I'm Satou Kazuma. And this is my partner, Yunyun. Nice to meet ya."
"Your name sounds distinctly Japanese. Are you from Japan by any chance?"
Satou seemed a little taken aback by what I said. He recovered quickly before responding, "Uh, y-yeah, actually. Wait, does that mean you came from- -"
"Earth? You know it, homey! Represent!"
Yunyun looked between the two of us in confusion. "Earth? I've never heard of that place before. What is it?"
I was about to nonchalantly blow her mind when Aqua butted into the conversation. "Well, Yunyun, Earth is a faraway country overseas and Japan is just one of many kingdoms there!"
"Oh, wow…They both sound so exotic…I hope that one day my travels will take me there!"
Aqua quickly pulled me aside and whispered into my ear, "Jack, you gotta understand, I've reincarnated hundreds of thousands of humans from Asia. The majority of those humans had kids, and their kids had kids, and so on and so on. A decent-sized chunk of this world's population is made up of Earth humans who grew up not knowing where their ancestors really came from."
"So?"
"How would you react if you found out most humans on Earth were actually the bastard children of beings from a parallel universe? You really think society would take that in stride and not collapse under pandemonium?"
"...No."
"Exactly. So zip it!"
I suppose Aqua's reasoning does make sense somewhat. We can't afford having people running around in a panic, not until after I start invading. Then they can run around all they like before I seize control. Still, it's pretty dope to find a fellow Terran in this place.
We pulled apart from our little huddle and I decided to ask these guys what they wanted from us. "So, was there a reason you came to see us? I assume it wasn't just to say hi."
They just stood there and didn't say a word. It wasn't until Satou nudged Yunyun with his elbow that she finally gave me an answer.
"Ow! Kazuma, that really hurt…Oh! Right! Um…well, I couldn't help but notice you two working really hard at the construction site last week to pay off your debt. I…I felt really bad, and I wanted to chip in by giving you some money. But every time I saw you guys working hard, I thought, 'Oh, they're way too busy. They'll probably just be annoyed with me if I try and make conversation with them'. So, I ended up watching you work from the sidelines…"
Oh wow. Just…wow.
I never thought I would meet somebody who could make me of all people look like a social butterfly in comparison. Wow.
Satou seemed to be slowly losing his patience with Yunyun the longer she stalled. "Yunyun, get to the point already…" he lightly growled.
"Ah! Well, um, I – we, um – WE'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU MONEY FOR GEAR AND WEAPONS!"
…
"That works for us!" Aqua cheered.
"Yeah, uh, what she said," I admitted.
"See, Jack? Good things come to those who are me," she said before turning to thank our two lifesavers. "Thank you, Yunyun-san! Thank you, Kazuma-san!"
"Oi, while I appreciate the honorifics, we're not close enough to where you can call me on a first-name basis," curtly reminded Kazuma. "Besides, this was Yunyun's idea, not mine. I'm mostly just doing this to help break her out of her shell."
As she was handing us enough eris for starter equipment, Yunyun shyly looked back to her green partner. "D-did I do good, Kazuma? I didn't come off as too forceful, did I?"
"More like not forceful enough. You can't keep relying on me to speak your mind. Also, volume control, please. I felt like there were people behind us staring at me like I was scum for some reason."
Aqua suddenly asked, "Hey, wait a sec. Aren't you that same creep who almost got arrested a few days ago for sexual harassment- -"
"I am an advocate of true gender equality. I have no qualms with using any tactics necessary to take down a female opponent. That girl wanted a fight, she got one. Come on, Yunyun, we're leaving."
The skittish red-eyed girl followed her partner behind like a lost puppy. Meanwhile, Aqua and I were left feeling slightly disturbed at that guy's calm defense for committing sexual harassment.
What in the Heylin did that man do…?
Eh, not my table. At least we can finally afford some equipment for our Giant Frog quest. So what if they're giant? They're still just dumb frogs. And this quest was marked with easy difficulty stamps. This should be a piece of cake.
"AAAAAHHHHH!"
What was I thinking!? They're called Giant Frogs for a reason! If I couldn't handle Giant Squirrels, what made me think these guys would've been any better!?
One of those green behemoths was chasing me through the otherwise relaxing green fields outside the walls of the city. With a dinky, short sword in hand, I bravely ran away from the enormous frog while letting out a guttural scream of manliness.
All the while, Aqua was standing atop a small hill laughing her dumb little head off at my predicament. "Jack, you look so funny running around like that! Hey, are you crying or sweating? I can't tell from over here!"
"SHUT UP!"
Another rumbling thud meant the frog was one hop closer to crushing me. If I didn't improvise soon, I was gonna get flattened into a flapME! I mean a flapJACK!
"Wait, what am I doing? I can fly. It can't get me up in the sky! It even rhymes!"
The sides of my trusty HeliBot sprang open to reveal two cylindrical extensions. Those extensions then shot out two long propellers. The blades went to work and spun rapidly, lifting me off the ground. And just like that, I was airborne, baby!
As I was flying high away from the green monstrosity, I decided to mock it. "HAH! Suck it, Kermit! Go cry Miss Piggy a river!"
The frog responded by latching its stretchy, sticky tongue onto my leg.
"…I think you two make a great couple – AaAaAaHhHhHh!"
I was quickly being dragged back down and into that gross thing's open mouth! In a scrambled flash of thinking, I sliced my sword through the frog's tongue and freed myself. It croaked in pain and aimless hopped about, attempting to catch me in midair.
While hastily dodging, I called out to my support member who was doing anything but supporting. "I know what I said before about me doing all the work, but for the love of evil, stop twiddling your thumbs and HELP ME ALREADY!"
The goddess disguised as an Archpriest actually giggled at my desperate cry for help. What a bitch!
"Very well then! I, Aqua, the goddess of water, shall save your scrawny white butt from peril! When I do though, I expect you to address me as either Lady Aqua or Aqua-sama from henceforth! Then, you will convert to the Axis Sect. and pray to me before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever I say so, you will always give me a portion of your food without whining; after all, sharing is caring…"
Little did Aqua realize that the frog lost interest in me and crept upon her while she prattled on with her incessant rambling.
"…I like my steak cooked medium rare with a trace of pink and lots of juice! When offering me baskets of fruit, I expect them to be both color-coded and alphabetized! I'm a bit of a neat freak when it comes to that stuff. Also- -"
It opened its mouth, swallowed her, and lifted its head up to chew her. I could see her stiff legs slowly sinking into the frog's green moist lips.
"Aaaand cue the facepalm."
Guess I gotta go save that loser, huh? Some ace in the hole she turned out to be.
I flew over to the distracted amphibian while letting out a glass-shattering battle cry.
That…was…unpleasant.
Aqua sat on her knees before me crying, covered head to toe in a rancid slime that came out of the frog.
The large creature laid on its back behind me with puncture wounds dotting its flesh. Thankfully, it was rendered immobile while eating Aqua, so stabbing it was fairly easy.
But holy shit, I think this marks the first time I actually killed something that wasn't a simple insect. Granted, it was just a large dumb beast with basic animal instincts, but still. It was a living creature that I mercilessly stabbed to death.
Honestly…I don't really know how to feel about that. I know hunters don't have a problem with shooting deer and things, but I'm not a hunter: I'm a scientist. I was the person solely responsible for taking away the life of a living being more complex than a bug...
What am I thinking!? I'm Jack Spicer, Emperor of Darkness! Killing a Giant Frog shouldn't phase me at all! In fact, I should be flexing my status as a bad guy and kill anyone who stands in my way!
…Y-yeah…
I felt something gooey cling to my legs and smelt something rank assault my nostrils. I looked down to see a mess of blue hair below me.
"Th-thank you, Spicer-san, for saving me…Oh thank you, thank you, thank yoooooouuuuuu!"
Now Aqua was crying into my pant legs while expressing her gratitude in between hiccups.
And she also smelled like complete ass from all the frog mucus.
I didn't know what exactly to do in these kinds of situations, so I settled with awkwardly patting her head. I mean, what else do you expect me to do? I have very little experience in comforting a woman. Although, this woman was behaving more like a child, and I did have some experience in comforting my little cousin the rare times she got upset.
Actually, what was Megan even doing right now? Same goes for my parents? Did they seriously find my death funny? Why am I just now thinking about this now?
Aqua thankfully snapped me out of that depressing train of thought by standing up and inspecting herself. "Look at me…This isn't how a stunning goddess should be: totally drenched in icky slime! If my devoted Axis followers saw me in this disgusting state, word would soon spread that some lowly frog bested me, and they'd all lose their faith in me!"
"I'm surprised you still have any followers given your track record."
Crap, I just blurted that out without thinking!
A murderous glint flashed in Aqua's eyes, letting me know that I had just said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. In response, I valiantly tucked my head inside my high collar like a turtle and begged for mercy.
However, before I could brace myself for potential pain, she dashed away in the opposite direction towards a lone frog doing absolutely nothing. It only acknowledged her presence when she screamed, "You will know the power of the gods! How dare you bare your filthy fangs at us! How dare you challenge me! You will know regret in the pits of Hell, foul creature! GOD BLOW!"
Aqua's delicate right hand curled into a fist and caught fire as she closed in on the frog.
"A lethal fist: one that carries a goddess' rage and sorrow! Whomever it strikes will perish!"
The rage-induced immortal slammed her first into the thick belly of the frog. The result sent ripples across its abdomen and nothing more. The humongous amphibian looked down at Aqua like she was no big deal. Who knew a mutant frog could be so relatable?
A brief moment of silence before Aqua spoke again. "O-on second thought, I think froggy faces are really cute!"
It ate her.
"Goddamnit, Aqua."
After we trudged back to the guild, we agreed to recruit more party members to help us with our frog dilemma. Also, as a side note, we had fried frog legs for dinner from the two that I had killed. Not half bad.
Aqua volunteered to make a help wanted poster to pin onto the quest board. She reassured me that everyone would come flocking to us because "she was in the party".
That was nearly two days ago. Today was the deadline for the quest.
We sat at our usual table in the guild sulking it up and feeling pretty sorry for ourselves.
"Don't get me wrong, Aqua, I like having a team of elitists as much as the next bad guy. I mean it – you and I are like on the same page here. But I think we might need to reconsider setting the bar a little bit lower."
"I don't get it…I made sure to include the very important detail that I'm in the group. Why is nobody coming…?"
I glanced over at the quest board while Aqua was busy drowning in her own self-pity. From the distance I was sitting, combined with my poor eyesight, I couldn't make out a word of the chicken scratches she scribbled. But there was no need as I had already read it beforehand. I drew a sigh.
Immediate opening available in a cozy, harmonious party. If you wish to go on quests with Lady Aqua, the beautiful Archpriest, and her sickly pale assistant, then look no further!
"Ever since I joined this party, I've been happy every day! I definitely hit the JACKpot!" - John Doe
"After I joined Lady Aqua's party, I got over my terminal illness and became super popular!" - Jane Doe
Only adventurers in advanced classes will be considered. Beginners need not apply.
I rested my chin on the table as the two of us sat in dejected silence for a while. Man, if only I had the Sands of Time Shen Gong Wu with me! That way, we could just bring our future selves to come help us out! Then again, knowing ourselves, they'd probably ask for money in return, which is what present Aqua and I are trying to earn to begin with...
Never mind, it was a stupid idea anyway.
If somebody doesn't show up soon, I might have to resort to robbery. Which shouldn't be too hard, all things considered. Whoever said "crime doesn't pay" was undoubtedly a Goody Two-Shoes loser trying to make himself feel better while working at his dead-end job. Crime totally does pay, so long as you don't get caught.
"I saw your notice calling for adventurers."
It seems we had a visitor come up to us while we were moping. It was a thirteen-year-old girl with rough, shoulder-length brown hair and a red eye patch covering her left eye, leaving her right red eye exposed. Her brownish wizard hat had button eyes and zigzag stitching below them, giving it the appearance of a monster resting atop her head.
The rest of her attire was also wizard-like: a brown cloak, red gown with a belt, black choker, fingerless gloves similar to my own, and boots with bandages wrapping around her right leg. To top it off, she held in one hand a wooden staff of sorts with a small blue orb defying gravity by levitating below its curved tip.
She spoke with steady confidence, "I was informed that you were recruiting new members. Is this correct?"
I snapped out of my analytical trance and answered yes. The new girl smirked and covered half her face with her palm, leaving her middle and ring fingers apart for her right eye to peek out. The red eye eerily lit up and highlighted her shaded face with its demonic glow.
Consider me somewhat spooked.
"Then our meeting is a fate chosen by this world. It would seem that my search for suitable companions to quest with has come to an end! Tell me, do you request the powers of the one so unimaginable that she has been ostracized from the inhabitants of this realm? For where the wind blows, none dare to speak my name. Only those close enough and with a bond of a thousand stars may be allowed to say it…"
The girl dramatically swished her cloak aside before striking a pose. "For the world trembles at the name of Megumin! I am an Archwizard who wields Explosion: the most powerful, most feared, most deadly spell in all the land! No mortal could ever dare to challenge the might of my powers. If thou wish to align yourself with my preeminence, then stare into the ultimate abyss with me! But take heed, for if thou doth stare into the abyss, then the abyss shalt stare into thee..."
Sweet evil and all that is melodramatic…This kid…oozes with potential! I mean it – she could be a rising evil star. I know I behaved a lot like her in my beginning days of villainy.
Aqua said something to me to catch my attention. "Just for the record, Jack, this is more or less what Yunyun's introductory greeting was like. Y'know, while you were too busy fantasizing about her boobs and all."
"AQUA! Innocent until proven guilty."
Megumin briefly broke character at the mention of the name Yunyun. "Wait, did that girl really follow me here…? Crap, I broke the flow of my monologue! Hold on, please. Let me get back to where I was."
Megumin cupped her chin while tapping her foot in thinking mode, trying her hardest to remember her lines. Who knew a little wizard kid could be so relatable?
"Uh, let's see…I'm past the part mentioning my Explosion…I talked about the abyss…Ah, right! Since my creation, the cosmos have wept under my influence! Everyone who has heard of my clan knows that I am their #1 genius. My magic is unmatched by even my own kind! My lethal powers can demolish the tallest mountains, smash the hardest stones, and wipe out armies of – urk!"
Before she could finish, the young girl collapsed on the floor. Aqua quickly got up and knelt beside while gingerly picking her up by the shoulders.
"Is, uh, falling flat on your face part of your monologue? If so, then it's not a great look for you. I'm speaking from experience here."
Megumin stood back up with the help of Aqua as her stomach audibly growled. "No, I just haven't eaten in three days. I'm dreadfully hungry..."
Yikes, no food for three whole days? I think I'd shrivel away if I went a day without snacks. And just like that, I now crave the manufactured taste of pudding cups. Where's YesBot when you need him!?
Oh, right, still on Earth with an empty snack pod. Crud.
While I was lost in y head, Aqua decided to point something out about the red-eyed wizard. "Hey, since you're clearly a Crimson Demon, you wouldn't happen to be from the same village as Yunyun, would you?"
"If you're referring to the only village where literally every other Crimson Demon in Belzerg comes from, then yes, we were, in fact, born there. We both graduated from the academy and left to travel. Though it sounds like Yunyun stalked me on my journey. Why am I not surprised?"
Megumin briefly glanced in my direction. That glance, however, quickly shifted into a full-on stare. I could practically feel her gaze into my corrupt soul.
After what felt like an eternity, she drastically pointed a finger at me and her eyes lit up again. "You! You have red eyes too! I don't believe I've ever seen you before…Could you possibly be a part of my kin by any chance? Granted, you look paler than a zombie and have dyed your iconic brown hair red for some reason, but still!"
Oooooohhhhhh, I see.
"Nah, the eye color and skin tone are part of a genetic disorder I got from a lack of melanin: completely unrelated. As for my hair, I didn't dye it red, it was just always like that. Don't ask me how cuz not even I know, and I was born with it! But while we're on the subject of eyes, what's with the eyepatch? You goin' for a magical pirate look or something?"
Megumin dropped the kiddie act and suddenly spoke in a very serious tone which managed to send shivers down my spine.
"This eye patch is a seal. It is the only thing in the material world that can suppress my immense magical powers. Should it ever be removed, skies will crack, life will fall to ashes, and existence as we know it will be all for naught."
Now, I've heard my fair share of grandiose, end-of-the-world tales back home. I've also happened to live through a handful of them. However, this one took the cake by far.
I'm scared of a lot of things: spiders, clowns, enclosed spaces, etcetera. But there was nothing in the world that scared me more than no world to rule at all.
"C-Christ, is that really true?"
"Nah, that was a lie. I just wear it because I think it looks cool."
"…"
"…I, uh, like your fingerless gloves?"
"Hey, thanks! They're slick, aren't they? I like yours too."
"Thanks, man, right back at ya!"
As we were rockin' our gloves, Aqua approached me from the side to say, "Just so we're all on the same page here, Megumin and Yunyun are a subspecies of human known as Crimson Demons. They're some of the most intelligent and skillful mages around. Once the children earn enough skill points in school to learn advanced magic, they're considered adults in their village and are sent off into the world to become the very best Archwizard. Also, the goofy names are like a cultural thing; they're all infamous for being natural-born chuunis."
Chuuni – what? Wait, hang on, I think I might've heard that term somewhere before...
Oh yeah…I remember now. Back when I traveled to Japan to swipe the Zing Zom-Bone Shen Gong Wu, I overheard a couple of girls on the street call me that while giggling to themselves. At the time, I took it as a huge compliment!
It wasn't until I returned home (after Kimiko mercifully un-zombified me, that is) that I took to the internet to find out what it meant. I won't get into the details of what happened next to preserve my dignity, but let's just say I didn't take the discovery all too well.
Chuuni is short for chuunibyou, which is a Japanese slang term that roughly translates to "Middle School 2nd Year Syndrome". Kids with this psychological phenomenon either act like know-it-alls or have delusions that they're embedded with special powers and all that junk. Think of it as the Japanese equivalent of someone going through their emo phase.
Now before anyone says anything, no, I do not have chuunibyou! Would a chuuni have the smarts and brainpower to build advanced robots to help him conquer the planet? I don't think so. And just to prove my point, I'm not going online to research any supervillains that may meet that criteria. Not like I can, anyway.
"HEY! We Crimson Demons are a proud people! Where do you get off calling my name goofy!? Where I come from, everyone has completely normal names. It's everyone else outside of my clan that has strange naming conventions."
Honey, I know a morbidly obese ninja named Tubbimura and a cat-themed cat burglar named Katnappé. I've heard stranger names. But I'm gonna humor ya anyway.
"Oh yeah? Then what're your parents' names?"
Megumin randomly performed a strange pose while answering my question with a big smile.
"My mother is Yuiyui and my father is Hyoizaburoo!"
I take it back, there are always stranger names.
Just to distract myself from the awkwardness, I typed those names into my personalized wristwatch that I was fortunate enough to still have on me when I reincarnated. "Hey, uh, how do you spell those? Spell Check autocorrects them as 'Yo-yo' and 'Hasbro': like the toy company."
Before she could take the time to sound out every vowel sound for me, Megumin's stomach growled like one of Chase Young's panthers. She blushed a little in embarrassment.
Uh-oh, that was cute, which means she still has some pureness in her. We'll have to nip that right in the bud as soon as we can. Don't want a bright, young villainess in training to go soft on me.
"C-could I tell you after lunch first? I really need the energy before I pass out."
I rolled my eyes and let her pick something out on the menu.
We grouped back outside after lunch to test Megumin's magical capabilities and determine if she was worthy enough to be put on the team. I gotta say, though, I can only expect great things. Aqua and I checked out her Adventurer Card while she wolfed down her meal; most of her stats looked promising.
With my sword, Aqua's flower bud staff, and Megumin's wizard staff at the ready, we situated ourselves atop a hill scoping the area for Giant Frogs.
"Now, Explosion is the strongest spell, and strong spells take the most time to conjure. When we find a frog, I need you two to keep it at bay until I am done with my preparations."
It didn't take long for me to find one just by the base of the hill. "Look! There's one! Just hopping around like he owns the place."
"Don't worry you guys. As a goddess, I've got you all covered!"
Megumin gave the blue twerp a strange look. "Hang on, you're a goddess?"
Aqua, you dumb-dumb, what happened to your own rule of staying undercover?
Welp, time for my invaluable improvisational skills to come into play.
"Yeah, um, ya see Megumin, Aqua had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend recently. He used to call her his goddess all the time, and she kinda latched on to the pet name after he left. I'd say it's either a case of denial or it's her coping mechanism."
Thankfully, it was enough for the wizard to look at Aqua in a completely different light. "Oh, you poor thing..."
I turned to Aqua – who looked about ready to burst into tears – and offered her an apology shrug. Just when I thought she was gonna let me have it, her face soon morphed into fierce determination. She homed in on another frog that happened to be nearby, letting out a much better war cry than mine admittedly.
"I don't care if these things are resilient to my attacks, I refuse to be defeated by such a lowly adversary! I'll show you all the taste of a real goddess! Now tremble before me, creature! GOD REQUIEM!"
I'll spare you the details and just say the frog ate her again.
"Man, she really Jacked that one up...I have got to stop unintentionally insulting myself."
Then the wind started to pick up as it strangely shifted around Megumin. I had to do a double take when I saw what looked like streams of outer space swirl into the crystal in her staff. Megumin stood still and tightly gripped her staff as she closed her eyes and chanted some kind of incantation.
"Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark,
I beseech thee, merge with my deep crimson. The time of awakening cometh.
Justice, fallen upon the infallible boundary, appears now as an intangible distortion!
Dance, dance, dance!
I desire for my torrent of power a destructive force: a destructive force without equal!
Return all creation to cinders and come from the abyss!
This is the mightiest means of attack known to man, the ultimate attack magic!
Explosion!"
Nine red cipher circles of varying sizes stacked above the frog she was aiming for. All it could do at that moment was stare up at them like a deer caught in the headlights. The circles unleashed a fiery column of heat and fire. I had to turn away in order to uphold the long-standing tradition of being too cool to look back at an explosion (and not just because my retinas would combust otherwise).
It was only after the ground stopped shaking that I dared myself to inspect Megumin's handiwork.
The spot where the frog once stood was charred black and a large crater took its place.
After scooping my lower jaw up off the ground, I noticed that the little pyrotechnician had fallen onto the ground face first for some reason. I also noticed a sinkhole forming a little ways away from her as a frog emerged from the ground. Her Explosion must've woken it from its hibernation.
It noticed her limp body on the ground and proceeded to hop on over to her.
She managed to lift her head enough to say, "I forgot to mention, while Explosion magic is indeed very powerful, using it takes a lot of energy. I overexerted myself conjuring it, and now…well, I can barely move."
If I had a nickel for every time I got the short end of the stick, I'd be twice as rich as my parents' company.
"Uh-oh, I wasn't counting on a frog to pop up nearby. This is bad; I'll be eaten. Sorry, but could you please do something before- -"
Before she could finish, the frog already had her upper torso in its mouth. All that left me with was two associates slowly being swallowed.
"And people wonder why I prefer to work with robots."
"I don't know if you knew, but the inside of a frog is both stinky and cozy..."
"Too much information, Megumin. Too much information…"
It was already nightfall by the time we shambled our way back into town. I had to piggyback a mucus-covered Megumin while an equally mucus-covered Aqua lagged behind, whining about the smell. And she had every right to complain about that as the stench was nauseating.
Every woman we passed by muttered something under their breaths and looked at me with either disgust, anger, fear, or some combination of those three. I'm sorry, but was this not a regular sight for the townspeople? I assumed adventurers came home dirty and smelly all the time. It's not like we're out picking roses or anything.
I guess baseless judgement exists no matter where you are in the multiverse. Oh well, that'll all change once I'm in charge.
Regardless, that still didn't excuse Aqua and Megumin for their incompetence today! I had to save both their asses from something that belongs on a See 'n Say toy, how sad is that? And before you call me a hypocrite (which I pride myself on by the way), keep in mind that constant failure is supposed to be every villain's signature M.O. We bad guys have a certain obligation to adhere to if we want to be the best at being the worst. It's called contractual genre blindness, and you'd be doing yourself a favor if you'd look it up already!
Alright, I'll get off my soapbox now. In the meantime, I've got a few choice words for the mage clinging to my back.
"Y'know, at first, I thought your Explosion magic was the bomb – no pun intended. But after seeing what happens to you afterward, I gotta say, I'm a little letdown. Can't you use anything other than Explosion?"
"No."
I stopped dead in my tracks. Aqua wanted to ask why we were stopping, but I ignored her. This required my absolute full attention.
I twisted my head around so I could better face the brat that just said that to me point-blank. "You're joking- -"
"I have never been more serious in my entire life."
I couldn't detect a single hint of sarcasm in her statement.
"But…but…why?"
Seriously, WHY!? Why would you do something so stupidly suicidal!? Answer me now before I drop you, you little turd!
Megumin pointed her finger straight up into the sky as she declared, "Because Crimson Demons are proud and noble people! They have carried the title of Archwizards for many generations and only use the most advanced of magical skills. That is why I choose to exclusively use Explosion – the most powerful magic attack – and nothing else, all the other attacks in the detonation family suck anyway! Even if I can only use it once a day, it matters not. I will DIE if I go a single day without casting Explosion! It may make my life of adventuring a tough path to walk, but that is the price I am willing to pay..."
Aqua applauded at the end of her speech and wiped away a few tears that were threatening to leak out of her eyes. "That was so beautiful. I've never felt so inspired before in my life. I mean, your motivation is completely bonkers, but I love the passion behind it!"
The two girls smiled and gave a thumbs up to one another. I am so done.
But…in a way…I kinda see a little bit of myself in Megumin. Chase, Wuya, and the Xiaolin Monks would usually chastise me for not practicing martial arts or Shen Gong Wu. But here's my rebuttal: why go through the hassle when I can very easily build weaponized robots to do the dirty work for me? Robots are my passion; nobody can take that away from me!
"…I guess I can respect your drive too…"
"Mmhmm! Explosion magic is the only kind of magic one needs on their adventures! I see you're one smart cookie."
I felt the weight of Megumin's chin rest on my left shoulder as she quieted down. She spoke again, this time sounding less confident than before.
"Now that I have displayed my powers for you to see, may I…um, may I join your party, please? Y-you don't even have to pay me for it or anything, I-I'm perfectly fine with just being paid in food…That's all I ask. Honest."
Aw crap! It's the universal weakness for every bad guy ever: empathy. Must resist, Jack, must resist! You are evil to the bone and all the way down to your greedy black heart. Don't let the fact that you can relate to her influence your decision!
But then again, that Explosion really packs a mean punch- -
No! After only one turn, she becomes dead weight. She's a liability, a hindrance, a broken leg on the caterpillar.
Well…let's go over the pros and cons.
Pros:
1) I'll have my own personal walking, talking nuke.
2) She'll immediately increase the size of the party, thus making us stronger than we were before.
3) I can be her evil wingman.
Cons:
1) She only knows one skill.
2) She can only use that skill once per day.
3) She becomes immobile and useless afterward.
So, do I want the glass cannon on my team or not? Hmmmmmm…
"Fine, I suppose you have what it takes to be a part of Jack Spicer's Evil Posse. Welcome aboard, Megumin."
I suddenly found myself being choked to death by a very happy camper clinging to my back.
"YES! YES! Thank you so much! I promise I'll be the best teammate you ever had!"
My only response was sputters of air escaping my closed-off windpipe. Thankfully, she got the message and loosened her grip on my neck, allowing me to breathe again..
As I gulped down gallons of much-needed oxygen, Megumin curiously asked, "By the way, what do you mean by 'Evil Posse' exactly?"
It was ultimately Aqua who answered for me, despite not giving her my consent to do so. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Playing the role of the bad guy is basically his main shtick. I think it might be the result of him never growing out of his chuunibyou phase; after all, he used to be the western equivalent of a shut-in otaku. It's honestly really funny to watch how hard he tries to convince us that he's 'evil'."
"Oooooh, I see now. Okay then – I can get behind that!"
Aqua, you blue bimbo, you're ruining my chance of recruiting a villainous sidekick! Now she probably thinks I'm just a wannabe!
"No, don't listen to her! I'm bad to the bone – I swear!"
Megumin simply giggled and patted my head in response to my cries. "Whatever you say, 'bad guy'. I think you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together."
My reputation must really be in the toilet if not even kids will take me seriously.
But I'm not giving up hope yet. I'll get Megumin to see my true evil colors soon enough. Same goes for Aqua, too. I'm positive that once they come to understand my grand vision for the world, they'll become so enamored with the prospect of glory that they'll just have to follow my leadership without question! After all, these two seem like the sort of bunch that can be swayed in the right direction.
Or should I say…the wrong direction~? HehHehHeh.
After the girls took their much-needed baths, Megumin insisted on sleeping in her tent outside the walls due to her reason being that she needed some time alone to reflect on today's events. Aqua trudged back to the stable claiming to be too exhausted to eat dinner. So that just left me to be the one to cash in the completed quest for rewards.
I found out that I went from Level 1 to Level 6 like it was nothing. Luna explained that new adventurers like me tend to grow faster with their first kills. Again, it would've been helpful if she had told me that during the real-time, unskippable tutorial I was forced to listen to. That receptionist is lucky her world hasn't invented Yelp, otherwise I would've left a strongly worded review of this guild already.
The total cash reward for the quest came out to be 25,000 eris for five dead frogs. However, since Aqua and I spent 5,000 eris on dinner and the other 5,000 on lunch with our new team member, the leftover money was only a measly 15,000 eris. And I had to divide it evenly amongst three people.
Needless to say, I felt like I've earned the right to sulk alone at my table.
"If this were in USD, we'd be set for a while. But nooooo, it just has to relate more to the Japanese yen. So 15,000 eris is like, what? $140, give or take? That's chump change around here."
I slammed my head on the table and groaned loudly. "The sooner I finish my JackBots, the sooner I can start living on easy street..."
While absentmindedly studying the craftsmanship of the mahogany wood, I heard the distinct sound of metal clinging against itself. At first, I dismissed it as my imagination getting to work on forging robots, but the sound persisted and became louder until it stopped right behind me.
"Pardon me, but are you the pale assistant to the Archpriest named Aqua?"
Ugh, people. I can't stand those things. Why don't they just go away, can't they see I'm sulking here?
"Listen, I'm pooped out right now. So if you could just leeeeeeeeaaaaaa…."
My words trailed off the second I turned around to address the stranger. If I had to guess her age, I would say 18 years old at the youngest. She had sparkling ocean-blue eyes and golden blonde hair, tied and groomed into a long ponytail that trailed down her back. Clad in clean white/yellow armor with a patch of angelic feathers on her right shoulder piece, the woman held the appearance of a strong yet sophisticated knight.
I would've believed anyone if they told me that she had been handpicked by King Arthur himself. Assuming sexual prejudice wasn't a thing in medieval Earth.
But seriously, who was this blonde bombshell and why was she talking to me of all people!? Look at her hair; god, I bet it's softer than any pillow imaginable. Her eyes, they could pierce through steel, yet they have a soft undertone of gentleness to them. And would you look at the shape and size of that breastplate- -
NO! No funny thoughts, Jack! You cannot risk getting a boner right now, even if your coat covers your crotch!
"The request on the board stated you were the sickly pale assistant to the one who calls herself Aqua, yes?" she asked. Even when asking for confirmation, she was still professional and business-like.
"Uuhh, y-yeah. That's me. I'm Jack Spicer…Err, Teen…"
I look like a fool out there! I'm stuttering, I'm sweating bullets, and I screwed up on my evil title! Get it together, Jack!
The female knight somehow stood up even straighter and introduced herself, "I am Darkness, and my occupation is that of a Crusader. I nobly serve under the good graces of the goddess Eris and so dutifully swear to eliminate any and all devils in this mortal realm."
If I somehow wasn't impressed before, I sure was now. Crusaders are some of the toughest classes out there, and this one was spending her time talking with a newbie like me. Could this be a sign that Lady Luck was finally giving me a pat on the back for a job well done?
Before I could ponder on it, Darkness suddenly exhaled as if she had been holding her breath. Her cheeks shifted into a tint of red and her hardened gaze softened as her eyes turned to-and-fro. She clenched her hands to her chest and continued speaking, this time through labored breath: as if the act of talking were a chore for her alone.
"I…also deal with any other monsters…or opponents really, so long as they're stronger than me. Hah, I-I do have a small confession to make however…While I possess extraordinary strength, endurance, and stamina, I am rather clumsy. My main weapon is a two-handed long sword, yet, whenever I try to swing, I usually end up missing my targets...miserably~"
For as weird and unprecedented as Darkness' change in behavior was, I couldn't help but find myself morbidly curious. Was she just coming down with something? Her face was red, and it looked like she was burning up. No, that can't be it. She looked completely healthy beforehand.
So why- -
"So, with that said…I was wondering…"
Darkness suddenly clasped her hands in front of her and bowed her head, catching me off guard.
"…Could I please join your p-p-p-p-party!?"
Let me just say, it is an absolute blast writing for these characters! Characterization is something I put on a high pedestal when it comes to fanfiction in general. I hope I'm doing these characters justice; I strive for good, quality personality.
Also, cards on the table, Darkness is my favorite girl. But you can't have one girl without the other two backing her up. The trio is like three parts of a whole character, they all have to stick together no matter which one you have a slight preference for. I'm 0ne Swood Guy, and this has been my TED Talk.
