After a month and a half of delay, I am finally back! Sorry about that folks, I'll try not to let that happen again.
Other than the usual thanks to my best friend for proofreading, let's get on with the show!
I couldn't sleep.
I'll admit, pulling frequent all-nighters may have turned me into a bit of an insomniac. When you're constantly pulling at your hair brainstorming ways to defeat supernatural monk warriors, you'd develop an inconsistent sleep schedule too. But to be fair, I've always had a habit of staying up late: whether it's to build more robots, play video games, or because the night terrors wouldn't let me catch a break. Put all that together and you get Jack Spicer, Tired Teen Genius Extraordinaire ladies and gents!
Of course, sharing a "bed" with a living stump grinder doesn't exactly help my sleep schedule either. While Aqua was happily snoozing away beside me, I was wide awake, staring intently at the wooden ceiling of this sad hovel that was my temporary base of operations.
"Tch, a rising evil star like me shouldn't have to live in a stable," I complained to myself. "If only a certain goddess has-been would learn to save her money instead of covering for rent alone and blowing the rest on booze…"
A sneak peek at my said has-been revealed her to be sprawled out over on her side of the bed sheet. She subconsciously scratched her exposed belly as she continued to sleep the night away. It's honestly jarring how someone who was once a divine entity could sleep like such a slob.
I shifted away from Aqua and switched power saving mode off on my wristwatch. My eyes immediately squinted from the sudden brightness emanating from the LCD screen. After about a minute of adjusting to the small source of light, I checked the current time:
3:05 AM
"Crap," I groaned. "Looks like I won't be getting any shut-eye tonight. Might as well work on the boys."
I know I promised the girls (and myself) that I'd get to sleep, but any hope of that died when I checked the time. If I'm still wide awake and it gets to be that late into the night, I won't be going under anytime soon. I'm better off doing something productive until either the sun rises or my body shuts down on me. Whichever comes first.
Unfortunately, I've run into a proverbial roadblock at the moment. While I would like to put the finishing touches on my JackBots, I can't access Sandbox Mode because I'm all out of mana! And just when I only needed a small amount of metal too!
"Goddammit..."
Sitting up in frustration from a lack of mana and sleep, I glowered at anything I could find in the room. I just felt a strong need to telepathically channel all of my pissed vibes at something; y'know, just as a way to make me feel better about myself.
But that's when my evil eyes locked onto a tall object leaning by itself off in the corner. The moonlight coming from outside our open window reflected off its smooth, sheen, metallic surface.
Sacred Sword Gram...
Since it was that lame-o hero's cheat item, he was the only one capable of activating its powers (kind of like a personalized Shen Gong Wu now that I think about it). In my hands, it was nothing more than a fancy paperweight that was too heavy for me to even swing properly.
Buuuuut…metal is metal.
"Plus, it's free metal to boot. So don't mind if I do~"
Let me tell ya, tiptoeing away from your sleeping roommate while dragging a heavy-ass blade can definitely put some hair on your chest. Maybe one of these days I'll save up on enough skill points to purchase the Two-Handed Sword skill for future convenience. Regardless, the idea was currently irrelevant as Sacred Grammy here was on its way to get melted down for spare parts. And bad old Uncle Jack just so happens to know a smithy in his local area.
Tonight was the perfect night for a quick break-in-and-out.
Alright, just gotta double-check for oil leaks, adjust a bolt here and there, brush off the strands of loose hay…
"And now for the pièce de résistance; the most important piece of them all…The. Emotion. Chip."
I couldn't afford to mess this up. These sensitive little chips were by far the hardest part of the whole process. After melting Sacred Gram down for its precious metal, I spent the rest of the night doing some hardcore coding on my laptop that I had hooked up to a portable generator (both of which were built from scratch ahead of time). But it was worth it, for these puppies are the push my babies need to make the jump from weak AI to strong AI! And I have Mitsubishi's refined taste in weaponry to thank.
Seriously, the metal in that blade was of surprisingly high quality. It was the ideal material to form the basis for my robots' emotion chips!
After yesterday's skirmish with that Manticore and Griffin, I doubled down hard on finishing my JackBots. The emotional roller coaster from that encounter turned out to be the wake-up call I needed to quit procrastinating and finish building my mechanized army of doom already. Frankly, after all the crap that's happened to me since arriving here, I'm surprised it took this long for me to finally crack. I thought my former Heylin lackey days would better prepare me for crazy bullshit, but I guess not. This world was on a whole 'nother level of insanity compared to mine.
Ah well, less time spent mulling it over, the better. "Let sleeping dogs lie," as the old saying goes. Or, as Cheeseball would phrase it, "Allow snoozing canines to fib".
Did I say "phrase" it? I meant butcher it like a screaming cow.
Anyway, I still needed to install the last emotion chip and close up JB-B2U1532's head. That's right, the same JB-B2U1532 from Attack Squad Sigma, and not just a blank slate. I won't bore you with the exceedingly complicated calculations involved, but, in short, I managed to rig up a multidimensional network router to access my backup servers from home and transfer the memory files of the bots I was repairing last. And that, kids, is why it never hurts to have backup servers for whenever your robots get trashed: to preserve their memories and retain their individuality…
OH! And, uh, also to extract tactical information from battles. Yeah, that's important too, I guess.
Using a pair of tweezers, I gently lowered the emotion chip into place. An amateur engineer would lose their cool about now and drop the chip into the jungle of wires. However, I am no amateur. I've done this procedure so many times, I could do it with my eyes clo- -
"RRREEEEEEhehehe!"
"OH my god!"
The horse two stables away just let out a neigh so intense, it almost made me snap the chip in half with my tweezers. Bad lord, you'd think that horse was on its way to a glue factory with the way it was screaming! Damn barnyard animals, it's been like that since the first night Aqua and I moved into the stables. And the owner calls us out on being too loud!
"One of these days, we're moving outta this crap-hole and into a mansion, I swear…"
I collected myself and installed the chip before my low luck stat could cause any more misfortune. I refuse to let anything set me back when it comes to my passion; robotics is pretty much all I have going on for me. It's the one talent I'm best at and I won't let the world take that away from me. I'll conquer it before it ever gets the chance.
After putting away my tools, I stood proudly in front of my babies all neatly lined up in a row. They were currently floating via their antigrav systems instead of their propulsion jets because barns are the second most flammable things in existence next to gas stations. The only real downside is that it eats up their power reserves like how I eat up my pudding stash. But hey, that's why I built the portable generator.
"Alright, enough stalling," I said aloud. "Let's get this party started!"
I walked around the bots and systematically flipped the "ON" switch built into the back of their heads. Once activated, they proceeded to state the leet designations I so lovingly assigned to each and every one of them (because I refuse to let that stupid internet language die, okay?).
"JB unit B2U1532: Online."
"JB unit C2U5H32: Online."
"JB unit 514Y32: Online."
"JB unit W23CK32" Online."
"JB unit D3V4574702: Online."
"JB unit CUPC4K3: Online."
Now, I would've normally made more JackBots, but I just don't have enough magic to spawn more resources. That, and I'm feeling kinda lazy right now. But hey, at least I got the members of Sigma Squad here with me! They're the bots I often take with me into battle, so that's gotta count for something.
After the JackBots warmed up their systems, I ordered for them to run a self-diagnostic scan just to be sure everything was running at optimal efficiency. As soon as the last of the scan results came up positive, my irrational anxieties melted away like butter.
"All systems and their respective components are at 100% peak performance, Master," reported JB-B2U1532.
"Awesome, I was worried about having to fix any potential bugs," I said. "Also, you guys can drop the formalities, we're not doing anything right now."
"Cool beans. Now that that's out of the way, where are we exactly? This building does not match with the blueprints of your regular Fortress of Eviltude."
"Yeah, no offense sir, but this place looks more like where Clay Bailey sleeps," JB-W23CK32 commented. "I'm very grateful you didn't incorporate smell-o-vision into our sensory network by the way."
"Yeah, suppose I should catch y'all up to speed – and there I go sounding like the country bumpkin himself...Anyway, let me just give you the CliffsNotes version."
Okay Jack, deep breath, inhale as much oxygen as your lungs will allow...and here we go:
"IdiedonEarthinanembarrassingwayandgotreincarnatedbyauselessgoddessnamedAquawhoalso
accompaniesmealongsideanexplosionhappygirlnamedMeguminandamasochisticbuthotknightnamed
DarknessasweadventureinapseudomedievalworldwithlightJRPGelementstodefeattheDevilKingsothatIcantakehisplaceandruletheworld!"
NAILED IT! I thought I'd pass out before I could get all that out. I trusted the bots to make sense of what I blabbed; I've upgraded their audio receptors to decipher my rapid-fire speech long ago. They're one of few things in existence that can actually understand me like that.
JB-W23CK32 buzzed momentarily before registering my answer. "Bzzt. Uh…right, well, our partnership logs have already been updated with these characters you've described, so there's that. But what do you mean you died and are no longer on Earth?"
"What happened?" asked JB-514Y32.
"Are you okay?" wondered JB-B2U1532.
"Were you assassinated!?" demanded JB-D3V4574702.
"Was it the work of a saboteur?" inquired JB-C2U5H32.
"Do you need your security blanket!?" fretted JB-CUPC4K3.
My robots hovered around me beeping question after question, all wanting to hear the juicy deets. In hindsight, maybe it would've been more efficient to simply preprogram them with knowledge of our situation. But, in my defense, even the most brilliant of geniuses are prone to being a little absent-minded. Either way, I gave them all a rundown on what happened to me and how I got here, starting with my epiphany in Hong Kong and ending with yesterday's quest.
"After that, I got up off my butt and finished repairing you guys by transferring your data across time and cyberspace. And...yeah, think that just about covers it. Any questions?"
Sigma Squad silently hovered in place after I finished telling them what their daddy had been up to while they were out of commission. They told me their scans didn't show any errors in their systems, so I was starting to get worried when they didn't say anything. I was about to perform a manual diagnostic on them myself when JB-C2U5H32 thankfully spoke up and proved my fears wrong.
"It's clear to me that you've faced many hardships since your arrival. Had we been there, we would've protected and comfort you. A thousand apologies, Master..."
"Hey, you guys hadn't been reconstructed yet. Don't beat yourselves up over something you couldn't control," I gently reassured. "Besides, the rebuilding process would've gone a lot faster if I had a bigger mana pool; it takes an whole friggin' night of sleep just to replenish all my magic!"
"While we're on the subject of sleep, how much rest have you gotten?" JB-514Y32 inquired. "My sensors indicate your natural complexion is 29.8% paler than usual, even when compared to the typical range of albino skin tones. Please don't tell me you've been staying up late again..."
I had a funny feeling they would bring this up. That's what I get for equipping them with advanced sensory technology.
"Heh, well, uh…I mean, c'mon guys, it's not like I haven't slept at all since coming here. I've managed to get some sleep...every now and then."
The machines let out a low whistle which indicated they were unsure about something. Seems as though my response wasn't enough to pacify them.
"Jack, I don't mean to be that bot right now, but humans in your age group need at least eight to ten hours of sleep in order to function," 514Y32 cautiously lectured. "And in your particular case, twelve hours minimum. We all know how cranky you can get otherwise..."
"Guys, look, I get it. I don't have the greatest sleep schedule in the world," I said tiredly, having already gone through this discussion with my robots before. "But I'm doing perfectly fine, trust me. When have I ever steered you guys wrong?"
No answer. Exactly the kind of answer I expected to hear!
"Exactly. Everything's bad in the neighborhood which, for us bad guys, is good. Anyway, I gotta go meet up with Aqua and the girls at the guild. I'll contact you guys if there's trouble. Copy?"
"Affirmative." x6
Man, I almost forgot what it felt like to be respected unconditionally. It's still just as sweet as ever!
"JACK SPICER! I've been waiting for you!"
Oh great, the last person I wanted to run into, and he's lowkey stalking me now.
I didn't even have a chance to make it up the steps to the guild when M-Guy came at me from behind. Those two fangirls of his were tagging along as well, like the gold diggers they probably were. Although once they spotted me, they rightfully kept their distance. So at least they know their place in my world.
"Fio and Clemea told me you threatened them after cheating your way to victory in our last showdown!" he crowed. "Not only that, but sources say you also like dousing women in rancid slime! You really are no better than Kazuma the Cad!"
"Oh my god, are there still people hung up by that slime thing!? I already tried telling them that we almost got eaten by Giant Frogs, but they don't wanna listen! Judgmental pricks…"
Ministration ignored me and continued, "On behalf of all women, I demand that you give my party members a formal apology this instant!"
"You tell him, Kyouya!" cheered the fuchsia one.
"Yeah, make him beg for our forgiveness!" urged the lime one. I don't know or care which one is supposed to be Fio and which one is supposed to be Clemea. So I'm still calling them by their hair colors.
…
Oh wait, they're being serious, aren't they? They honestly expect me to grovel for them after I won unfair and square? HAH! What a buncha losers! I just had to laugh right in their dumb faces, there was no other option!
"Oh man, that's rich! I can't believe that was actually your comeback plan: ask the bad guy to apologize for kicking your butt! Heh-heh-heh…Yeah, no, buzz off."
As I proceeded up the stairs to the guild, Mumbo felt the need to call out in desperation. "WAIT, hold on!"
More curious than I was annoyed, I glanced back down to see what he could possibly want now. I'll say this, he really looked about as desperate as he sounds.
"Look, forget about apologizing to the girls; that's not what's important here."
Damn! I'm just as stunned as Lime and Fuchsia over there.
"And I know you're the last person I should ask anything from, but…"
If I wasn't already taken aback by now, I was when this dude started bowing before me. Bowing! Like he's been my loyal subject for all his life! And I didn't even have to assert myself as the new Devil King to make that happen.
"Please give me back my Sacred Sword Gram! If you do, I swear on my hero's oath that I will buy you the second-best sword in all the land. Or I can give you as much as you need to purchase any high-grade equipment. Just name your price."
Name my price, eh? In that case, I immediately demanded, "5 million eris. Cash, not check."
"Consider it done."
Wait, that actually worked!?
The gullible "hero" pulled out a money pouch that was full to bursting. And he just handed it off to me, no questions asked! I opened the sack to count some of the coins and bills, did a couple rough estimations in my head accounting for volume and weight, and concluded that there was – in fact – roughly 5 million eris stuffed in that tiny burlap bag. Maybe even a little over.
Does...does Mississippi not know the value of the dollar? I get eris is a completely different currency that relates more to yen than USD, but my point still stands: this dude is economically illiterate! And this is coming from a guy born into a business family who wastes his allowance on junk food!
Eh, either way, I'm not looking this gift horse in the mouth. After all, I just made the biggest swindle in my entire villainous career! I'm laughing all the way to the bank, baby!
"I believe that should cover your expenses," said the guy more financially irresponsible than Aqua. "It is but a small price to pay to get my sword back. Now, may I please be reunited with my blessed blade?"
"Oh I'm afraid that won't be possible considering how I technically don't have it anymore," I remarked while tossing my booty around in my hands.
There was a slight eye twitch followed by a passing dry chuckle. This should be an interesting watch to unfold. Wish I had popcorn.
"Uh…heh, heh, good one Jack. But seriously, where is the Sacred Sword Gram?"
"I already told you: it's gone bye-bye. I had it melted down last night to make programming chips. It's not like I could've used it in combat, it was too heavy. So that's why I turned it into something that was useful to me personally. Genius, no?"
Mindy's shoulders went slack. His mouth: agape. Eyes: wide as saucers. Worldview: shattered by the one and only Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!
Eventually, he mustered the inner strength to speak again. "You melted my sword down…my only source of power…and you used it to make p-programming chips. Heh…heheh…GRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Fucking hell, man! Don't scare me like that! I must've finally pushed him past his limit to get him to freak out like that. Uh...go me?
"First your shitty family buys out my father's dream job, and now you've ruined my second chance at life!" cursed the unhinged Japanese teenager. "Mark my words, Spicer, the Mitsurugi name will be avenged! You hear me!? AVENGED!"
Before I could get a word in edgewise, Mitten ran off, stringing together another set of profanities and curses at my family name. His two fangirls cried out for him as they tried to keep up.
"…Did I just unintentionally create an origin story for a potential supervillain? Rad! He was definitely more suited to be a bad guy than a 'chosen one' anyway. His evil rants could use some work though; too short and vanilla."
With 5 million eris in my hand, I strutted inside the guild like I owned the place (because for all intents and purposes, I did). It was inside that I noticed the girls were seated at the bar counter instead of our usual secluded table. Shaking things up I see. Well, I just made a small fortune, so I'm down for anything today. Let's live a little!
I opened with a zinger, "Hey girls, what's up? And I don't mean the ceiling of course!"
Megumin and Darkness both rolled their eyes at me but smiled regardless.
"Good morning to you too, Jack," chuckled the blonde bombshell. "You certainly seem to be in much better spirits. I trust a good night's rest did you well?"
I was in such a great mood, I was able to lie straight in Darkness' charming face. "Yup! I feel like I can do anything today…Hey, uh, what's the story with Aqua over there?"
While I was in the middle of congratulating myself on a nefarious job well done, I failed to notice Aqua slumped on the counter with her head buried in her arms. A position I'm all too familiar with sometimes.
Megumin answered solemnly, "Oh yeah, that reminds me, we have some bad news. Our reward money for the Griffin/Manticore kill quest was revoked. My Explosion magic caused significant property damage to the village's carrot patch. Now the guild is using the posted bounty to cover the damages…"
"Yes, and as you can see, Aqua is taking the news quite personally," Darkness added. "She hasn't said a word after Luna came in to inform us of our involuntary transgression. I'm worried that she might be relapsing into another withdrawn state."
If it were any other day, I might've been worried too. But my luck stat must be pulling out of the red, because today ain't like any other day! "Oh, is that all? Well, look what Uncle Jack managed to scrounge up in his off time!"
I plopped the money pouch onto the counter, the musical sound of coins clinging together inside further stroking my ego. The stunned reactions coming from Megumin and Dark were priceless I tell ya.
However, their reactions were dwarfed by Aqua's reaction to my 5 mil. All of a sudden, she pulled her head out of arms and sniffed the air around her like were some kind of bloodhound. When her nose led her to the money pouch, her eyes widened and sparkled with life again.
"Jack-Jack! You brought us 5,425,369 eris?" she gasped excitedly. "You really are the best! Now mama can buy herself her morning beer! Arigato gozaimasu!"
I was so put off wondering how Aqua could sniff exact change, I didn't even bother to stop her from scooping a handful of my dough. But she did say there was 5.4 million eris in that bag...apparently. I'll let it slide for now. But she better not expect any more handouts.
"There's over 5 million eris in that one pouch!?" the incredulous Archwizard choked. "Where in the name of the Eldritch Titans did you get all that money?"
Darkness eyed me suspiciously. "You didn't steal this from the bank, did you? Petty theft is one thing, Jack, but I will not turn a blind eye over a serious crime."
I gladly indulged in the girls' questions by recapping the run-in I had with that lame excuse for a hero. Meanwhile, Aqua used her handful of eris to spot us all breakfast.
"So after he blindly gave away a small fortune he had in his pants, I dropped the bomb and told him I already melted his sword down for robot parts last night! HAHAHA! Oh man – you should've seen the devastation on that meathead's face!"
Strangely enough, Megumin interrupted my maniacal laughing fit to apparently point something out. "Wait a minute, you melted down his sword last night? But I thought you said you finally got some sleep last night..."
Aqua slammed her mug after taking a big gulp and added, "Hey, that reminds me! When I woke up this morning, Jack wasn't lying next to me in our haystack. He was in that spare stable working on his robot thingies again!"
Uh-oh, I've been caught, red hand in the cookie jar. Wuya was right, I really do need to learn to think before I speak.
"Fine, so I pulled another all-nighter! I tried to go to sleep but I just couldn't, okay!? You can't fault a teenager for at least trying…"
Dark rested her arms on the counter top and studied my face as she spoke. "Jack...I can see bags forming under your eyes, even underneath all that eyeliner."
"I still can't believe you put on makeup," Aqua snorted, sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. "Are you sure you're the only guy in the party?"
"Zip it, useless. It's my own take on villainous cosmetics, something you couldn't hope to understand."
"As I was saying," interjected Darkness, "you have some pretty heavy bags under your eyes. We're concerned for your well-being, Jack, and so should you. Burning the candle at both ends is not a healthy lifestyle."
I'm sorry, but if I couldn't trust my own parents to look after me growing up, then I can't trust you girls with that either. Call it being paranoid or insecure, I don't care; I'm still not ready to open up to these three just yet. I'm still bracing myself for the day they inevitably throw me under the bus.
"Girls, girls, please. I can take care of myself. Besides, I'm not even that tired- -"
A huge yawn suddenly escaped my mouth the second it was open wide enough. Steeling my nerves, I swiftly slapped both cheeks and put a stop to that. My face stung, but it had to be done.
"…See? Not tired."
Aqua and Megumin didn't seem convinced. As for Darkness…
"Umm, h-how much force did you apply to your cheeks just then? A-asking for a friend."
"Oh, sure, I bet 'Chris' is just dying to know," I snarked, unintentionally encouraging the pervert's fetish. I keep forgetting I can't be my usual rude self to her without it being twisted into something sexual.
"How about we change the subject," suggested the party's designated pyrotechnician. "There's something I've been meaning to ask Aqua about."
Megumin turned to the blue girl munching on fried frog legs and tapped her shoulder. Once Aqua took notice, she got straight to the point. "That Mitsurugi guy kept calling you 'goddess' for some reason, and there was talk about him and Jack being reincarnated. What was that all about?"
Aqua and I locked eyes with one another. We never thought about what would happen if our teammates asked questions like that. We were fine lying to Yunyun and Satou since Yunyun was too shy to visit and Satou was already from Earth. But we can't exactly keep our associates in the dark forever, they're bound to find out sooner or later.
With a huff of air, I decided to come clean. "Megumin, Dark, I think it's time we told you the truth about us. See, I'm not from around here. And when I say, 'not from around here', I don't mean that in the 'I'm from another kingdom' kind of way. No, I mean I'm not from this world. I came from an advanced planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy from a parallel universe. Aqua was the one who brought me to your world."
Aqua didn't even bother to wipe the crumbs off her face when she brazenly spoke up. "He's right, and I can vouch for him! For you see, I am no ordinary Archpriest, I am secretly goddess Aqua. Yes, the one and only goddess Aqua of the Axis Sect.! The Council of Heaven selected me of all deities to guide and reincarnate the souls of humans between the ages of thirteen and nineteen who die in a specific region of Earth! We're sorry for not telling you sooner, we were just worried you wouldn't be able to handle the truth."
…
Y'know, hearing the premise of our situation summed up aloud like that, even I don't buy it. Especially coming from the woman whose mouth was messier than a baby's.
Aqua and I stared intently into Darkness and Megumin's eyes. It became an awkward co-op staring contest for as long as any of us could care to remember (and I'd rather not). Finally, after what felt like a friggin' year, the Crusader and Crimson Demon gave their responses, respectively.
"Eh!? You mean, you're really the goddess Aqua? As in, senior to the goddess of fortune, Eris!?" Darkness then proceeded to bow on one knee and lower her head in what I assumed was respect. "Even though I am a faithful devotee to your junior, I should still feel blessed and honored to have a divine being such as yourself in my party. From the bottom of this lowly Crusader's heart, I humbly thank thee..."
Out of nowhere, Megumin twirled her staff high in the air and aimed it at Aqua, who leaned back in response. Despite being indoors and thus no draft, her cape somehow managed flutter dramatically behind her. "OF COURSE! How could I have not detected it sooner with the wicked powers of my forbidden sixth sense? You are indeed a holy entity sent forth by the realm of the gods to test me for my explosive prowess!"
Megumin slammed her staff and covered her face with her left gloved hand, leaving her middle and ring fingers open a crack to peek out with her right eye. "Very well then, I accept the challenge! When thou hast returned home, let your kind know that I, Megumin, the Crimson Demon Clan Genius, am ready to join your ranks in godhood..."
And here I thought I had a god complex…or was it an inferiority complex?
"Hang on, time out, hold your horses and the phone!" I blurted out loud. I needed to make absolutely sure we were all on the same page here. "So…you two believe me when I say I come from another world, right?"
"Right." x2
"And that also means you believe Aqua is the secret goddess who reincarnated me, right?"
"Right." x2
And yet when I say I'm evil incarnate, you don't buy!? Wow, okay, wow; I'm getting really sick and tired of this.
Darkness explained, "To be honest, I've always suspected you weren't native to Belzerg. All the signs that you were a foreigner were present: your clothes, accent, odd sayings, they all pointed to you being from out of town. Why, your bewilderment of things we consider mundane was practically a dead giveaway! Though given this recent revelation, I understand now why our creatures and customs might've come across as shocking for you. And for that, I wholeheartedly apologize."
Megumin elaborated, "Yeah, and as for Aqua being a goddess, we've seen her do some pretty extraordinary stuff to back it up: like the time she lifted that death curse off of Darkness. Not even the most advanced magic users can single-handedly perform such a feat with ease. Then there was yesterday when she attracted a wandering undead; only people and objects with a divine aura can do that. Heck, she shares the same name as the Axis cultists' deity of worship! At this point, it would be harder to believe that she isn't a goddess."
Aqua raised her chin snootily from all the talk and praise she was receiving. She gazed at me with lidded eyes and spoke in that condescending tone I've heard way too often in my life. "Sorry Jackie, I suppose it can't be helped that I've enamored them with my divine powers and abilities. You'll just have to take a back seat while I carry this team to success."
Oh god, this is worse than I thought. Not only do they still not believe that I'm evil, but they've fully accepted Aqua as a genuine goddess. If I'm not careful, she could easily take over my position as group leader! I need to do something to knock her down a peg before her ego floats off into space.
"…Wipe your mouth, you've got schmutz all over your face."
I expected to get some kind of reaction out of Aqua, and boy did she deliver on it. Her eyes snapped open, she licked some of the crumbs off the corner of her lips, and she turned her whole body away to furiously wipe her mouth with her sleeve while uttering, "You suck!"
The PA system cut me off from my laughing and announced an emergency at the front gates again. It also stated for my party specially to report as well. I felt a foreboding cramp form in the pit of my stomach when I heard that.
Everyone in the guild murmured amongst themselves about us as they all got up to head to the gates. All the adventurers dropped their gossiping when they saw what the emergency was all about, and I didn't need to expend any brainpower figuring out why once the crowd parted a way for me.
The Headless Horseman's stepson was back in town.
"Cabbage Ninja, Archpriest, Crazy Crimson girl...do you think this is funny? Is this your idea of a joke? Well? IS IT!?"
The pulsating dark energy flared around him and his decapitated horse neighed demonically, putting the horse living in the stable next-door to shame. "WHY DO YOU KNAVES KEEP BOMBARDING MY CASTLE!?"
What!? How is that possible? We haven't bothered him after he threatened us the first time around. I even brought this point up to him.
"What are you talking about? We've entered a ceasefire with you already!"
"A 'ceasefire'? How dare you lie to my face, impudent boy!" The Dullahan then pointed at Megumin and said, "That little arsonist of yours continues to show up just to cast Explosion on my home! Since you seem to be her party leader, that must mean you are the one responsible for this continued act of aggression!"
Slowly and deliberately, I turned around to face the aforementioned arsonist, who was currently looking everywhere else except at me.
Now, as much as I wanted to smack her upside the head for basically dooming us all, I was raised not to hit girls unless it was a matter of defending myself. I wasn't raised, however, to not roughly pull their hats down over their heads until they begged for mercy.
"Ow-Ow-OW! Hey! Stop it, Jack, cut it out!" she cried.
"I thought we agreed to leave him alone, Megumin! We even pinkie promised! Did that mean nothing to you!?"
Reluctantly, I let the Crimson Demon go if only to allow her a chance to explain herself. She glanced down at her boots as she said, "W-well, you see, up until recently, casting my favorite spell on an empty plain was enough for me. But ever since tasting the pleasure of blowing up a castle, it's different…"
Megumin paused, then disturbingly rubbed her staff while fidgeting ever so slightly. "Now I have to unleash on something big and hard in order to feel satisfied~"
"Ew. Remind me to never touch your staff," I remarked in disgust before realizing something. "Hang on...you can't move after you use your magic! That means you must've had an accomplice to carry you home! So who- -"
Suddenly, I heard what sounded like someone blowing a raspberry. I found Aqua looking the other way, trying to pass off her mouth farts as innocent whistling. When she glanced at me, she nervously chuckled, "I mean, it is that guy's fault that there aren't any good quests anymore, so I wanted to help Megumin get him back for it. Heh…heh…"
That careless retard. I know I've made some questionable decisions in my past, but none that would put my life at risk if I could avoid it. Aqua might as well have helped Megumin plant C-4s in an angry bear's den. Now we're all about to get mauled to death because of it!
The demon general's booming voice forced us to focus on the matter at hand. "Hear me, mortals! I am Beldia: a knight who has strayed from the path of God and sought salvation from his unholiness, the Devil King. In life, I strove to be an upstanding knight, and I find it most appalling that none of you have come seeking retribution for your ally's death. In my opinion, that Crusader was a model knight, a true protector of the people! She used her own body to shield you from my death curse, and to abandon her is – OH COME ON ALREADY!"
Beldia stopped himself when he saw Darkness, alive and kicking, step out from behind the crowd. Call me crazy, but I think she was actually blushing from genuine modesty instead of arousal. What's next: psychokinetic aliens coming down to tell us we only have magic powers because they mated with early man?
No, no, don't be ridiculous, Jack. Earth humans mated with this world's people, not aliens...
I miss my old, scientific worldviews.
"G-gosh, you really think I'm a model knight?" meekly questioned Darkness to the flabbergasted Beldia. "I'm only doing my job, really..."
The fields of Axel were especially quiet now, a complete one-eighty to how it was just minutes ago. But that didn't last for very long.
"How can you possibly still be alive you foolish girl!?" Beldia shouted.
That's when Aqua went into a riot, laughing her empty head off. She turned to me in particular and said, "Oh man, can you believe it? The silly old Dullahan didn't know I dispelled his curse! He's been waiting for us to come to his castle this whole time! Fufufu…I bet he was pacing around in his room like a little kid!"
Aqua, while that scene you described is admittedly funny, now was not the time to make fun of the monster who swore fidelity to a guy called the Devil King!
"Insolence! I should slaughter every inhabitant of this backwater town!" fumed the general. "No mere novice shall make a fool out of- -"
"Yeah, whatever. Turn Undead!"
Aqua shot her hand out towards Beldia, and the Dullahan was enveloped in a raging pillar of light. He screamed in agony along with his steed before the latter disintegrated entirely. The light faded and Beldia was left rolling on the ground, writhing in pain.
"S-something's not right here, Jack!" Aqua stuttered. "My magic wasn't effective!"
"You kiddin'? It seemed effective to me. Super effective even!"
I watched Beldia stand back up and carefully pick his head off the ground. One of his maroon eyes lit up as he regarded Aqua. "S-such a spell! You…you can't possibly be a novice, can you? I thought only low-leveled adventurers lived in this town..."
Dusting himself off, the decapitated man composed himself and proclaimed, "Well, no matter! For I shall leave no witnesses left alive- -"
"Sacred Turn Undead!"
Beldia was once again zapped by a divine ray of light courtesy of Aqua, except this one seemed much more intense than the last. Just like before, he rolled around on the ground wailing in pain.
"Yup, it's official: my purification magic isn't strong enough to one-shot him," sighed Aqua.
"Maybe not, but I still think you did quite a number on him," I reassured.
After scooping up his head again, Beldia cast dark magic to shroud the area in front of him in a black mist. What came next were dozens upon dozens of necrotic hands freeing themselves from the earth. The owners of the hands crawled out of the ground and revealed themselves to the world as hideous zombies, all armed to the teeth with medieval weapons.
"Forget it, I always let my minions take care of the rabble for me. Undead Knights, burn this pathetic little town to the ground! Leave only fire and ash in your wake!"
So, the boss is sending his underlings to do the dirty work for him, huh? Classic villain move, one I'm all too familiar with. In fact, I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to finally settle the age old debate of robots vs zombies. Take a wild guess where my money's on.
Sensing my time to shine, I calmly stepped forward from my group in order to meet the general halfway across the field. My teammates questioned my actions while also warning me to back off, but I ignored them. No way was I gonna pass this one up.
Beldia said nothing to me as I met him halfway. It's likely he was curious and wanted to "humor" me for a little bit. Once I stopped walking, I took a brief moment to scrutinize his small army.
"So, your idea of minions are mindless, rotting corpses, huh?" I taunted cheekily. "Ooooo, I'm sooooo scared! What ever shall I do against such a formidable fighting force?"
The undead commander let out a disbelieving noise of some sort from his head's hidden mouth. "I don't believe this, you're taunting me. You must be incredibly foolish to get this close to me simply to mock."
"How could I not mock?" I countered. "Anybody who's played a video game knows that zombies are just a poor boss' minions. My minions, on the other hand, are in a league of their own. They'll sweep your glorified maggot farms in no time flat."
"What in the name of the Devil King's daughter are you on about?" challenged the big bad monster man. "Surely you don't mean those three maidens in your party? I'll admit, the Archpriest has some bite in her, but not even she will be able to withstand a raging horde of Undead Knights! Isn't that right, men?"
The zombies gargled a malicious war cry while raising whatever weapons they had high into the air. I inputted the call command in my communicator without so much as glancing down.
"The girls aren't my minions..."
Soon the nostalgic sound of soaring jet engines pierced the air. When the undead group looked up above my head, they somehow managed to convey bewilderment through their gaunt, skeletal faces. Heck, Beldia seemed to be baffled, and his head's face could hardly be seen through that T-visor.
"…These guys are my minions."
After no doubt shitting bricks at the sight of my homemade henchmen (because who wouldn't?), Beldia made a jab in an attempt to downplay the situation. "Hmm…Six queer golems versus twenty resurrected soldiers? Unconventional to say the least, but ultimately futile."
I'm sorry, did he just write off my babies as "golems"? No, I'm not letting this one slide.
"Um, excuse me, but my JackBots are not golems thank you. They are robots! Say it with me now: RAH-OH-BOTS! If you wanna sound like a smarty-pants, then calling them automatons and/or droids is also acceptable."
My words must've gone in one ear and out the other because the hulking Neanderthal didn't acknowledge my clarification in any way. Instead, he was all like, "Go forth, Undead Knights! Show this arrogant upstart a glimpse of hell!"
Oh yeah? Well I can top that! "JackBots: ATTACK!"
My verbal command was registered by their audio receptors the nanosecond after it was said. As Beldia's mob made their charge, Attack Squad Sigma switched into melee mode by converting their clawed digits into extended saw blades. Once those blades whirred to life, they flew directly into the Undead Knights at Mach speed.
The following battle would be a worthy contender for the crowning achievement in JackBot history since protecting me from Wuya's rock monsters. Despite the glaring number disadvantage, my boys fiercely stood their ground (air?) regardless. They had no problems holding their own against the zombie warriors' clumsy battle coordination. Assuming Beldia's goons were even lucky enough to land a hit, the damage they were capable of inflicting on them was negligible. All the Undead Knights had to show for their efforts were some scratches and a couple of small dents, nothing a master mechanic like me couldn't handle.
Orichalcum armor plating, it's the bee's knees. A supernatural Chinese monk might be able to punch through it, but flimsy reanimated corpses? Not a chance.
The intrusive buzzing sound of rapidly spinning saw blades dominated the battlefield as the JackBots mowed down the competition. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding when I failed to see any old blood or decomposing guts spill onto the ground. Watching gory horror films at age 5 was one thing, but I don't think I was mentally prepared to see or smell the real thing. Maybe the lack of internal organs has something to do with the resurrection process being voodoo-based instead of viral-based? I dunno, I'm a scientist, not a witch doctor.
Musings aside, the Undead Knights were torn to shreds like used tissue paper. Their deteriorated bodies and flimsy, incomplete armor sets weren't winning them any favors. All that was left of them was a large, unmoving pile of mangled limbs and torsos. Thank Romero these zombies don't operate on Return of the Living Dead logic, or we'd be stuck here for a while.
I looked back at the Devil King general and grinned sadistically. "Well, would you look at that? Looks like I have the better minions after all. Told ya they were in a league of their own."
"SO FREAKING COOL!"
Unfortunately, during my gloating of the enemy, that shrill exclamation made me flinch in surprise. I angrily whipped around to locate the source.
Using my Farsight skill to look back at the town gate, I easily pinpointed an ecstatic Megumin as a likely candidate. While Aqua, Darkness, and the rest of the adventurers seemed downright stunned, the little Crimson Demon was the only one who looked hyped. It's great to receive some recognition and all, but not when it makes me look bad in a bad way.
She shouted, "Did you really make those things yourself? That's insane! Those have gotta be some of the coolest golems I've ever seen!"
"They're not golems, they're robots! Get it right!" I shouted back, now incredibly frustrated. Why do I get the feeling that's going to become a pattern in the near future?
Never mind that, Beldia's speaking again. "So, your 'robots' dispatched all of my Undead Knights in less than a minute. Impressive…"
"Thanks~" I responded automatically.
"Impressive for a coward that is!"
Backhanded compliments. Should've known.
"Hiding behind toys doesn't make you a man, it makes you a gutless whelp!" Beldia chastised. "Those creations of yours may have defeated my underlings but they have yet to take me on!"
The fallen knight assumed a battle stance (as well as one can perform while cradling their own head) and the JackBots took the initiative of circling him. He had yet to make a move. "Your move, Cabbage Ninja…"
I think I see what's going on here. He's baiting me into attacking first so that he can do…something. Don't know what that something is exactly, but it's never a good sign if the enemy is willing to let you throw the first punch.
Luckily, I still have the element of surprise on my side. Beldia doesn't know about the bots' secondary laser-fire mode; he's probably expecting them to rush in with their saw blades. And even though he was heavily protected by stainless-steel armor, his thighs, abdomen, and inner forearms were left completely exposed…
"JackBots: OPEN FIRE! AIM FOR HIS BODYSUIT!"
"My what!?"
Attack Squad Sigma retracted their bladed arms in favor of chest-mounted plasma rifles. Within seconds, highly concentrated energy blasts were fired upon the general's weak spots. The best part? It was actually working! Everything's coming up Jack!
The Dullahan suffered from intense spasms with each new shot directed at his black bodysuit. Speaking of, it actually reminded me of Darkness' own black bodysuit. I think that's what sparked a subconscious chain of events wherein I connected bodysuits with pain and sensitivity. I owe it to that pervy Crusader and her flaming masochism.
Soon Beldia knelt before the unrelenting onslaught of lasers. My boys closed in on their target to shorten the traveling distance of the plasma beams, making them more deadly in the process. Just when it seemed like a clean victory was possible, Murphy's law reared its ugly head.
Or should I say tossed it.
With a guttural, manly roar, the undead commander threw his own head high up into the air. Before it could succumb to the forces of gravity, however, it ominously remained frozen in the sky. Then, in an underwear-changing turn of events, the horrifying mirage of a large fiery eye encompassed it. It almost made the head look like a functioning...pupil…
Oh no.
"Uh, J-J-J-JackB-B-B-Bots?" I tried to call out. My efforts were in vain as Beldia's body was suddenly slipping past every plasma shot with speed rivaling Chase Young's. Most of the misfires turned into friendly fires due to the squad shooting in a tight circle. It was the second battle for the Mind Reader Conch all over again!
To make things worse on my end, Beldia pulled out a ginormous sword from somewhere and performed a devastating spin-slash maneuver. After he eventually stopped spinning, nothing happened for a good while. Did his attack whiff or what?
Well, I'd get my answer in the form of JB-C2U5H32 falling apart from a horizontal cut in the middle of his chassis.
D3V4574702, B2U1532, CUPC4K3, it was the same for all of them. They'd all been split in half by the stepson to the Headless Horsemen. Weeks of blood, sweat, and tears went down the drain! I just, just, I'm gonna puke out fucking blood – that's how dogshit this was!
"Nnnnnnnnext?"
And just like that, we're back to crippling fear and anxiety.
The eye mirage had already disappeared and Beldia's head was secured in his left hand. In his right was a sword twice the length and width of my entire body. And he was calmly approaching me with it.
I not so calmly backed away, stammering, "Okay – okay – tell ya what, how about we make a deal- -"
"Be silent."
Beldia dashed using his inhuman speed and the only thing I could do was wince. But instead of a big-ass sword to the gut, a mini shockwave knocked me off my feet. I barely got the words out of my mouth when I fell.
"Darkness?"
"Stay behind me Jack!" she ordered. "I can handle him!"
Two knights, one sorta dead and one alive, were clashing their swords in a fierce stalemate right in front of me. It would've been cool to watch if my life wasn't on the line.
"Vile fiend!" Darkness grunted. "You struck them all down…You will pay for that!"
"They were but metal shells imitating life," Beldia callously stated. "What makes you care?"
"If they were alive to my friend, then they were alive to me damnit!"
Wow...did, did she really mean that?
"And now…never will I get to taste the sweet punishment they had the potential to dole out!"
Please don't drag my children into your weird fantasies. Still appreciate the sentiment, just don't make it sexual.
Changing tactics, Beldia went all out on the offensive, Darkness playing the obvious defensive role. For someone who can't hit the broadside of a barn, she's surprisingly excellent at blocking attacks with her sword.
But then she made the fatal mistake of actually trying to attack herself.
"DIE HOLY KNIGHT!"
It happened so fast. There was the distinct sound of metal cutting through metal. Then came a wet crunch, followed by dripping noises. Darkness wobbled slightly and coughed.
Then she went down.
Hate to say it, but in order to prevent this chapter from becoming too bloated, I think it's best if the Beldia fight is split into two chapters. It sucks, I know, but pacing is just as important as characterization.
Speaking of which, how do you guys think I'm doing in that department? I want to keep them in-character while also leaving enough wiggle room for interpretation and potential growth. If they're gonna evolve as characters, it has to be done in a natural progression while still retaining they're core identities. That's what I think at least.
On an unrelated note, I've been reconnecting with my childhood by completing the remake of Destroy All Humans (a game I'm confident Jack would stamp his evil seal of approval on). If you happened to spot the sneaky little reference to it in this chapter, congratulations on being a 2000's kid like me!
Anyway, I've got the conclusion of this fight to polish up on, so see ya then.
