A/N: Based of The Good the Bad and the Dominatrix. Small mentions of Lady Heather, but she doesn't feature here.
I've always wanted to write a story for this episode. I wrote one back in the day when this episode first aired. It was full of hurt and angst, but I took it down because I really didn't like how it was written. Coming back to it all these years later, now knowing what we know, I felt it was time to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard!
Disclaimer: CSI and all of its characters does not belong to me.
Unintentional
Sara slid her key into the lock and slowly opened the door. An emptiness filled her as she pushed the heavy door open and stepped inside Grissom's home. He'd told her his home was hers too not so long ago. He'd even made space in his closets for her clothes…but now, she just…
He didn't even have an explanation for her, even though she'd known he'd spent the night with another woman. It never even occurred to him to tell her he wasn't coming home. He'd looked at her with confusion when she'd told him to do what he needed to do. After all, she didn't own him. She wasn't his keeper, so what if he chose to spend all of his time with another woman…his friend. So what? Who the hell was she kidding? She was angry…hurt…confused. Yes, all of those and so much more.
She closed the door behind her and moved into the silent house. She looked around the empty space, her eyes glancing over the framed butterflies that littered every wall. There was nothing of hers here, nothing to indicate that she belonged here. After this latest incident, she had to question whether he really wanted her here at all.
He'd told her he'd missed her more than he'd ever imagined while he was away in Massachusetts…another time when he'd failed to include her in his decision. Had it all been a lie? Had everything they'd shared just been an itch he needed to scratch until someone better came along? He'd never spoken of his relationship with Heather, even though she'd heard all the rumours from all those years ago. In truth, she hadn't asked about the other woman, part of her was afraid of his answer.
The woman was beautiful. Everything Sara was not. She wasn't fooling herself. She knew she wasn't a woman who could turn men's heads. Her beauty was in her intelligence and her compassion. Beauty was for people like Catherine, who knew how to use her femininity to get what she wanted…but Sara wasn't that type of woman. She wasn't even sure what type of woman she was…but after seeing Heather, beautiful despite her bruises, Sara knew she couldn't compete.
Taking a deep breath, she swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. She was exhausted, but she knew sleep wouldn't come to her right now. Her stomach was in knots, mixed with pangs of hunger, but the thought of food just made her feel nauseous. She was teetering between a total meltdown and trying to be rational. Grissom loved her, he'd told her she made him happy…so why did she feel so…betrayed.
She needed to clear her head and stop this feeling that her relationship was ending. She couldn't do that here, not surrounded by the man who had caused her so much heartache over the years. Sliding her cell phone from her pocket, she flipped it open, both hoping to see a message from her wayward lover, but afraid to see a blank screen. Her eyes watered when she saw nothing. No messages, no missed calls, nothing. Snapping the phone closed she shoved it back inside her jeans pocket. If he wasn't going to be here, then neither was she.
She was about to turn back towards the door when the blinking of the answer machine caught her attention. Hope suddenly filled her as she made her way towards it seeing there was one new message. Reaching out to press the button, she waited to hear Grissom's voice fill the emptiness with an explanation, but it wasn't his voice at all.
"Hi Mr Grissom. I got your message about Hank. He'll be fine here for a few more hours. He's playing in the ball pool. Have a great day."
Yanking her hand away as if the machine had burned her, Sara stared at it with despair. He'd called the sitter, but she didn't even warrant a simple text message? Sorrow gave way to anger, and she was suddenly filled with a burst of rage. Throwing her bag onto the floor, she stomped up the stairs towards the bedroom, and threw open the closet door. So, she didn't even enter his mind at all it seemed. This was Massachusetts all over again. Grabbing clothes from hangers, she threw them onto the bed before going to one of the drawers he'd told her was hers. Reaching inside she pulled out her running things and proceeded to strip off the clothes she'd worn that night.
She pulled on her running shorts with an angry tug, growling with frustration and annoyance when she reached for the white top that went with them. By the time she was fully clothed again, she turned to stare at the garments she'd strewn across the bed and felt the emptiness once again engulf her. She refused to believe that this was the end. If he wanted another woman, then he could damn well tell her himself. She scooped up her shirts once more and hung them back onto the rail, before picking her discarded clothes from the floor. She needed to think, but she couldn't do that here.
Without a backwards glance, she made her way back down the stairs and grabbed her bag on the way, before throwing open the front door to step out into the sunshine. She pulled the door closed behind her, hearing the satisfying slam as she opened the passenger door to throw her dirty clothes and bag inside.
000
Grissom left Heather with her granddaughter, feeling so much lighter than he had when he'd first seen his friend in the hospital. He was confident now that Heather would be able to find some happiness in the child he'd managed to reunite her with, and he could go home to Sara…Sara…her face filled his mind and he knew she was angry with him. He didn't mean to shut her out, but she'd understand he was helping out his friend. After all, he knew she would do the same if their roles were reversed. Reaching into his pocket, he opened his phone to see if she had answered the text he'd sent her to tell her he would be home late. His eyes scanned the small screen, but he was disappointed to see it blank. With a heavy sigh, he opened the text box again, ready to send her another message, but when he looked at what he'd written her hours earlier, he saw his message was still there, unsent.
Panic rose within him when he realised he'd messed up yet again, and made his way quickly towards his car. He knew she wouldn't be at his place, not after he'd spoken to her last night. She'd told him to do what he needed to do, and even though he knew things weren't right between them, he'd left to go and do exactly that. He only hoped she would listen to his explanations so they could both get some sleep. Closing his phone, he shoved it back into his pocket and climbed into his car, before starting the engine and heading towards Sara's apartment.
When he arrived, he was surprised to see that Sara's car was nowhere to be seen. He was sure she would be here and not at his place. Maybe she wasn't as mad as he'd feared. Reaching for his phone, he flipped it open before pressing her name on his contacts and placed the phone against his ear. He looked around him while the ringing tone remained unanswered, annoyance turning to fear. Snapping the phone closed, he was just about to make the drive back towards his house when her car pulled into the spot beside his. Relief flooded through him and he reached for the door handle before climbing out of the car.
Whatever he expected to see in Sara's eyes, wasn't the wariness he could see in them now. She got out of her car slowly and stood beside the open door staring at him silently. Her face was red and her hair dishevelled, all the tell tale signs that she was returning from a long run. But instead of coming towards him with a bright smile like she always did, she was watching him guardedly. He'd never felt so disconnected from her, not since he'd had his surgery.
"Honey…" he started hopefully as he slowly moved towards her.
Sara swallowed visibly as she turned away from him to pull her bag from the car. "What do you want, Grissom?" she asked with a resigned sigh as she slammed her car door closed before turning back towards him.
Grissom was taken aback for a moment, he'd expected anger and maybe a little silent treatment, but nothing like this. Grissom was only reserved for work now, never in their private time. Surely he didn't need an explanation to be here.
"I wanted to see you."
"Why?" she asked, her eyes scanning his face with suspicion.
"Honey," he sighed, moving towards her once more. "Look, can we just go inside?"
Sara eyed him for a moment before she offered him a curt nod of her head, moving passed him, avoiding his touch. He watched as she fumbled with her key and felt himself needing to pull her into his arms and hold onto her until she listened to him. He followed her into the quiet apartment, wondering why she still kept it when they spent most of their time at his house.
Sara threw her bag onto her small table and turned around to face him. He could see her eyes red and brimming with tears and it was only then he realised just how much she'd been hurt by this.
"Sara…"
"What are you doing here?" her voice was strained as she spoke, causing his words to die away. "I wasn't expecting to see you."
Taking a step closer, Grissom reached out towards her once more. He needed her. He couldn't bear to see the hurt in her eyes, knowing he'd caused it.
"I know I should have called. I'm sorry honey. I didn't realise…"
"Look," her voice broke through his explanations as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Just say it and get it over with, okay…I'll get over it, I will…but I won't stay here and watch. I can't…"
"Honey," he tried again, shaking his head in confusion. "Please…"
"Please what?" she snapped, her voice raising as she spoke. "Please will I let you spend your nights with another woman? Is that what you want me to tell you? Is it Gil?"
Finally, the light went on in Grissom's mind as he shook his head and moved closer towards her. His lips lifted into a slow smile when he realised the absurdity of the situation. How could she even think he was interested in Heather? He opened his mouth to tell her she had nothing to worry about, but before he could speak, her voice disarmed him.
"Catherine told me you and Heather have a connection, and before yesterday, I didn't understand what she meant. You and Heather didn't even see me once you came into her hospital room, and I knew I'd been lying to myself all these years." Tears spilled onto her cheeks as he looked on helplessly. "I'd convinced myself I was going to fight for you, but I know I can't win. So…"
"Honey, no," Grissom gasped as he moved towards her to wrap his arms around her. He pulled her tightly into his body and held onto her. "Nothing happened…I…how could you think I could do that to you…"
Sara's arms slowly came up to wrap around his back, allowing the heat from his body to warm hers. She was so tired and so sad, so utterly sad…
Grissom slowly loosened his arms to pull back enough to look into her red rimmed eyes. She was so quiet, and it began to unnerve him. Reaching up, he laid the palm of his hand against her face as his thumb tenderly stroked her cheek.
"I'm so sorry I made you think otherwise Sara," he told her softly, "she's my friend."
Sara swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded before pulling away from his embrace. She knew he was clueless when it came to her, and it was becoming apparent that if she wanted him in her life, then these times when he was thoughtless, was something she would have to learn to accept. Even if she wanted more, it was becoming increasingly apparent that he wasn't able to give it to her.
"I need to shower," she told him hollowly. "If you're staying, you'd better go and pick up Hank. The sitter left you a message on your machine after you'd called to let them know you would be late."
"Honey," Grissom voice rose in despair. "I sent you a message too, but when I checked, it never sent. I'm so sorry."
The heaviness in her bones just made her so tired. She didn't have the strength to deal with this now. She had time to get a few hours of sleep before she had to be back at work, Turning away from him, she made her way towards her small bathroom, weariness dragging her ever step.
"Do what you need to do," she muttered, echoing her words from earlier as she walked away. "You should eat before you come to bed."
"I ate at Heather's," he told her absently, only to swallow his words when she suddenly stopped to turn and regard him with an intensity that scared him. He wished he hadn't spoken Heather's name. He doubted Sara had eaten, and he desperately wanted to make things right between them. He opened his mouth to suggest he order her favourite breakfast, but the look in her eyes caused the words to die on his lips.
"If you're coming back, I won't bolt the door." And before he could formulate any kind of reply, she was gone.
Grissom stared at the empty space she'd left behind and didn't know what to do. He hadn't planned to be away for so long, and now he'd managed to hurt the only woman he'd ever loved. Retrieving his phone from his pocket, he flipped it open and dialled the sitter's number, his guilt over leaving Hank a little longer, outweighing his need to be with Sara.
000
Sara stood under the hot sprays and held her face up to the water. Sorrow bubbled its way through her chest, bringing an ache so powerful, she couldn't control it any more. Her tears mixed with the cascading water, the quiet sobs engulfing her, until her whole body was shaking with despair. The pain soared through her body, ripping her in two as her sobs became louder as she sank to the shower floor, curling in on herself as she tried to purge the desolation from her body.
She was so caught up in her sorrow that she didn't hear the shower door open or the faucet turning off. Her head was bent into her knees and her whole body was shaking. She startled when Grissom's strong arms pulled her trembling form from the shower floor and into his warmth. She clung to him, sobbing with exhaustion and sorrow as he whispered soothing words into her wet hair. At this moment everything felt lost and she felt abandoned, like she'd had her whole world ripped from beneath her.
Grissom held her while she cried, rocking her gently back and forth as he placed kisses into her hair. His own heart was breaking at seeing her like this. She was so strong, his beautiful Sara. He never thought for one moment that she would think he didn't love her…he adored her, and he had to make her see just how much.
Her sobs slowly subsided after what seemed like hours and she became quiet in his arms. He could see her smooth skin beginning to pucker with gooseflesh, so he reached up to pull a fluffy purple bath towel from the rail and wrapped her up in it.
Sara felt incredibly foolish as she allowed him to rub the towel over her arms. She hadn't allowed herself to cry when he'd left her for a month to go on sabbatical. Instead she'd bottled it all up until everything had spilled over into the present. Lifting a hand she wiped at her eyes and extracted herself from his arms to kneel up and wrap the towel around her body.
"Thank you," she told him hoarsely as she allowed him to help her to her feet. She couldn't bring herself to look at him; she hated crying in front of him, but when his hand gently lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him, she felt lost.
"I love you," Grissom told her, his words taking her breath away, and she had to fight not to crumble into tears again. "I love you so much, and I'm so sorry I made you think otherwise."
"I …" her voice trembled as she forced her body to stop shaking. She couldn't seem to form the words she wanted to say, so instead she stepped closer and sank into his embrace once more.
"Come on, let's get you dried off," he whispered softly, his touch so tender as he wrapped his arms around her. "When we've both had some sleep, we're going to talk about this." He pulled back and looked into her eyes, "Okay?"
She nodded, hope filling her for the first time in days. She stepped back when he turned away from her to grab his own pyjamas from one of the draws, but stopped when he heard her soft voice.
"I love you, Gil," she told him shyly, her eyes wet and shining. "I…think... I mean...are we going to be okay?"
Grissom's lips lifted into a wide smile as he nodded his head. "Yes, we are."
Sara watched him when he moved towards the bathroom and finally felt the weight lifting from her heart. Everything was still so raw, and so much more needed to be said. She doubted she would be able to sleep now. Her head ached and her throat was sore, but she pulled on a pair of sleep shorts and a loose top anyway.
Climbing into bed, she laid down and cringed slightly when her damp hair touched the pillow. Her eyes settled on the bathroom door, only drawing away when it opened and he stepped out. He offered her a warm smile as he pulled the covers back and settled into the bed beside her. Wordlessly, he opened his arms for her and she shuffled closer to lay her head on his chest. Closing her eyes, she listened to the steady thrum of his heart beating beneath her ear. His arms closed around her and his fingers danced across her skin, lulling her into sleep…
End
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