As my team, bot, and I stared curiously at the seemingly innocent treasure chest sitting all by itself in a big empty room that was previously hidden from everyone else before us…I put on my figurative skeptic hat. This was not my first time dealing with innocuous boxes before. If this container in front of us was anything like that puzzle box Dad sent me three years ago, then I wanted to be as far away from it as possible. Or, rather, have it be as far away from me as possible.
"BB-Bob, I want you to take that chest and get rid of it," I commanded without pause. "Don't care, don't wanna know how. Just. Get. Rid of it. That's a direct order."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a sec, Jack!" Megumin interjected while sticking her arm out in front of a clearly confused B0B, apparently surprised by my swift assessment that the mystery chest in a murder dungeon wasn't worth keeping around. "Shouldn't we at least check it first? What if it's full of gold, or jewels, or other valuable loot?"
"Not happening," I quickly retorted, crossing my arms to show that I wasn't joking around. "Last time I opened a mystery box, Wuya popped out of it. And the less said about that smelly old hag, the better."
"Jack, while I understand you've had a bad experience with a similar scenario once, you can't just assume that every box you find will have some ancient entity locked within," Darkness tried to counter, clearly missing just how resolute I was on this subject. "Is it really that big of a risk to open a single chest?"
"Yes! Very much so!" I argued before gesturing wildly around the room. "I mean, doesn't this whole setup seem a little fishy to you guys? A hidden passageway in a dungeon that looks to have been picked clean leading to an empty room with nothing but a tacky treasure chest? If this were a video game, then we'd have no problems. But this isn't a video game. This is real life! With video game-like mechanics and elements!"
After pausing to process my own words for a moment, I realized that that last part probably wasn't the best argument for my case. Once again, I spoke before thinking. Gotta learn to quit doing that already.
Before I could think of any way to brush over the subject of video games, considering how long of a chat that would be compared to trains, I noticed that a certain water goddess had been suspiciously silent up until this point. Glancing past both Darkness and Megumin, I realized that she wasn't standing behind them. As such, I swiftly turned around to check, and caught her inching towards the chest with a greedy gleam in her eyes.
"YOU FOOL!"
Like a coked-up leopard, I pounced on the idiot who was potentially close to dooming us all to another three years of constant nagging and ghostly body odor. Seeing as how Aqua was, to my knowledge, a girl, restraining her was something that didn't come naturally to me. If I grabbed her by the legs, I'd be subject to her bare goddess ass directly above me. If I wrapped my arms around her waist, well, that'd be kinda awkward too. So, with my options limited, I simply went with trying to hold her back by her underarms. That seemed the safest bet, right?
"Jack…before we address the fact of how utterly stupid this looks, I want to ask you something real quick," Aqua stated calmly, fixing me with an utterly unamused look as she tilted her head back to face me. "I'm a goddess, you're a mortal. Do you really think you're strong enough, physically alone, to restrain me?"
"Oh, just emasculate me further, why don't ya?" I replied sardonically, giving the pompous immortal (sorta) my own unamused glare. "Look, even if I have no chance of success, I'm still gonna do everything in my power to stop you. Never underestimate a villain's dogmatic persistence, Aqua."
"Alright, if that's the card you wanna play, fine by me," Aqua replied with a simple shrug, one that was somehow strong enough to shake me off of her and make me land flat on my back. The archpriest proceeded to saunter over to the chest while I busy coming to terms with my once more battered masculinity. "Nothing personal, Jack. I'm just curious what riches we've stumbled upon, and now that we've got that sorted…!"
I pulled myself out of my funk just in time to see Aqua flip open the treasure chest with an overly dramatic "Woosh!" In a futile scramble, I clambered up to the demigod and tried to close the chest again only to peer inside and realize something.
It was completely empty.
"…This is a joke, right?" I couldn't help but ask myself dumbfoundedly. "I mean, actual nothing is better than a fifteen-hundred-year-old evil spirit, but really? All that build-up for an empty chest?"
"Wow. That's…disappointing," Megumin grumbled, though a small smile did linger on her face as she glanced around at her teammates and held up her hands in a 'whatcha gonna do' shrug. "Hey, maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way, huh?"
I groaned as loudly as obnoxiously as I could. "I hate how accurate that sentiment is. You really are my evil apprentice, M-Bomb, and I love/hate you for it."
"Hmm. Personally, moi feels that the hate could be more fulfilling. But moi supposes that's just a matter of taste, now isn't it?"
An unfamiliar voice chimed it, resulting in all four of us jumping violently. We drew whatever we had for protection and spun around to face the direction the voice came from and...well, I'll be the first to admit that what we found wasn't what I had expected.
"Oh crap – it's the Phantom of the Opera!" I exclaimed fearfully before plugging up my ears and shutting my eyes. "Quick, cover your ears before he sings our brains out! I don't do musicals!"
"Ohohoho! Well, aren't you a wealth of negativity, my young pale friend!" The masked man chortled playfully, a wide grin adorning the exposed section of his face as he assumed a dramatic pose. "However, moi is no mere phantom, dear boy! My name is Vanir, and you've managed to catch me by surprise! Moi wasn't expecting company so soon, after all."
Upon closer examination, I realized my accusation was slightly misplaced. While the man in front of us did wear a vaguely similar mask, it was fully intact and covered most of his face save for his mouth and chin. It was vertically divided down the middle between white and black sides, almost like a stereotypical jester mask, and while the crescent shaped eye holes were right above two little star marks…I had a sneaking feeling those "eye holes" were his actual eyes. Sounds crazy, I know, but the dude did appear behind us out of thin air after we opened an empty treasure chest, so he already had voodoo written all over him.
Other than that, though, he looked like a regular human with slicked black hair and a clean butler suit.
"Oh, sorry," I apologized half-heartedly once I deduced this Vanir wasn't one of my least favorite fictional villains. "I thought you were something else. Something long-winded and boring in my opinion."
Before the suited man had a chance to reply, Aqua lunged forward with a sudden shout, her hand radiating holy energy as she attempted to strike him down. Without the slightest pause, Vanir sidestepped the punch. And the next. And the next. For about the next minute and a half, the rest of my party and I watched the two dance around each other in a one-sided battle as Aqua missed every single punch.
"Uh…that's a real good impersonation of Darkness there, Aqua," I started, feeling my cheeks heat up when said crusader let slip a damn near erotic gasp right beside me. "But could you care to explain why you're playing charades with the weird, creepy, mask man already?"
"I...I'm not playing a game, Spicer!" Aqua spat between ragged breaths, looking genuinely winded as she took a step or two back, glaring viciously at the still smirking Vanir. "That thing is no man. He reeks of dark magic. He's a demon."
"Oh, well I already figured he wasn't a human," I stated casually as I watched Vanir pretend to brush dust off his clothes. "I guess a demon makes sense, I hear they come in many forms. Or is that with devils…? What is the difference between the two, anyway?"
"Oh, it's mostly semantics, I assure you. Hardly an interesting topic," Vanir replied pleasantly, clearly not bothered in the slightest by Aqua's attempted smiting. "Now, far more interesting would be my explanation as to why moi is here! Now that is something that we can both benefit from, yes? A little entertainment for the both of us."
"…Eh, sure, why not? I go for Storytime," I said as I attempted to make myself comfortable on the stone floor. "Anything to distract me from the fact that I'm on the run and have very little idea what I'm doing."
While I could feel all three of the girls simultaneously shooting me annoyed glares, I decided to focus on the demon before me instead, who's grin never once faltered as he beamed at my lax agreement.
"Splendid! It has been far too long since moi last had a proper audience!" He chuckled, before straightening out his posture and clearing his throat loudly before entering a more theatrical tone. "You see, not only is moi a Duke of Hell, but moi is also one of the Devil King's fabled generals. Moi was dispatched to the town of Axel to investigate what had become of that poor, detached scamp known as Beldia. However, moi doesn't have much care for the king's trivial missions, so when moi stumbled upon this lovely little dungeon, well...you know what they say about opportunity."
That…was a lot to unpack in a short span of time. Though one part in particular did stick out in all of that
"OH…so you're one of the Devil King's generals… that's…cool," I stated in the most natural tone I could possibly muster without shitting my pants. "Say, uh, what was that part about not caring about the mission you were assigned to? Isn't the Devil King, like, your master or something? Don't you get court-martialed for that?"
"Oh, as if he could! Aside from the simple fact that moi is stronger than him, that old coot probably couldn't care less regardless," Vanir snorted, surprising me with just how flippant he was being. I was under the assumption that the DK was supposed to be all that and a bag of chips, but if some demon with a mask said otherwise...eh, he was probably still no joke. "Truthfully, the reason moi took such interest in this locale is the potential it holds for moi to finally make one of his few dreams come to fruition! Picture this: an elaborate, sprawling dungeon filled with the toughest monsters you can find, with moi at the end, the final obstacle before victory! A team of noble and strong adventurers strike moi down, only to find that there was no prize at all outside of my demise! Oh, they're distraught, full of misery! It would be a banquet of epic proportions!"
…
I made a mental note to look beside me for the girls' reactions. Yup, they were just as flabbergasted as I was.
"That's it?" I asked finally after what felt like an eternity of not finding my voice. "Your life's dream is just to troll some random nobody before you let them kill you? That's gotta be the weakest villain motive I've ever heard! You said you were stronger than your boss, yet you don't even want to overthrow him and seize control for yourself? What a waste!"
"But isn't what you described so... cliché?" Vanir retorted with a tilt of his head, throwing his arms up dramatically. "Why would moi want to kill the Devil King? I have no interest in his empire, nor the power that accompanies it. Moi can never truly 'die' in the conventional sense, so why not have a little fun with the concept by toying with a few humans on the way out? Honestly, it sounds so much more entertaining compared to a simple coup."
"Wait, so you're immortal!?" I squawked in shock, finding myself standing up from the sheer absurdity coming out of this loser's mouth. "That gives you even less of an excuse! You can't die, you claim you're more powerful than the Devil King, world domination is practically gift wrapped to you! And you just wanna throw it all away in favor of a cheap gag? I'm sorry, you may have crazy demon powers, but I gotta call it like I see it…you're lame!"
To my surprise, Vanir released a sharp, singular "HA!" at my declaration before he responded properly, his tone nonetheless amused. "Oh, how you wound moi! I may never heal from such a grievous slight! You may not understand my motivations, young man, but moi can assure you that 'evil' is not the end all, be all of any world."
I scoffed, turning back to my official new friends and commenting, "Get a load of this loser. Doesn't even grasp the fine art of evil. HAH! He's more pathetic than me…wait, that came out wrong."
"You are a particularly odd specimen, aren't you my friend?" Vanir replied, crossing his arms and tilting his head slightly, as if considering for a moment, before his smile returned in full force and he chuckled once more. "Oh, but what a wonderful mind you have. So full of self-loathing, anger, doubt, fear...you have quite a bit of baggage up there."
"Hey! There's more going on upstairs than just mommy issues, Circus Face!" I quickly retorted back, stepping up to the masked 'superloser' and jabbing a finger at his…oddly earthy chest. "I'll have you know that I'm also a certified evil teen genius! I cheated on so many IQ tests to make sure of that~"
Vanir just continued to laugh while the girls spared me respective looks that seemed all too close to pity. Stifling down the waves of emotion that threatened to surface over that reminder, I was distracted when Vanir's cackling abruptly stopped, and he suddenly looked at me with what I dared to call an inquisitive glare.
"Uh…hey, bud? Eyes up here."
"...how very, very strange. You really are an odd one," Vanir repeated slowly, his tone drastically more guarded as he held his gaze, folding his hands behind his back. "Moi can brush aside the small things, you know. The distinct feeling that there should be another member to your little rogues gallery, the sense that you really have arrived too early for me to start my fun. Your golems, however, your 'robots'..."
My robots…? Oh, yeah, my homeboys!
"Well finally, some proper recognition!" I all but cheered, striding over to BuilderBot B0B and snaking an arm over his smooth, metal shoulders. "Yeah, these bad boys are way cooler than dumb old golems, and smarter too! Plus, this one right here has a great sense of evil fashion."
I turned my attention over to the previous owner of Bob's new eyepatch. "You were right, Megumin, Bob really does rock your style! I may have to hire you on as a creative consultant for my future JackBot designs."
When I looked to Megumin, I noticed that she and the others seemed a little tense, all of them looking past me and at Vanir. Turning back to the demon in confusion, I noticed that his smile still hadn't returned, and the jovial energy he seemed to radiate early on had sharply stagnated. Something was amiss, but I wasn't entirely sure what.
"You know...moi has an unspoken rule he usually likes to abide by. Moi tries to avoid killing humans whenever possible. Such needless bloodshed has never sat well with him," Vanir stated calmly, before a sharp red gleam peaked out from the left side of his mask as he unfolded his hands and leveled a threatening glare my way. "If you are who moi thinks you are, however...Moi willing to make an exception to that rule."
My blood ran cold when I heard the sheer sincerity in his tone. I discreetly tapped on my wrist communicator, sending a private message to all available bots to be ready to come downstairs and protect me, B0B included. The BuilderBots may not have been combat models like Attack Squad Sigma, but I was sure their built-in drills, jackhammers, and miniature wrecking balls could do adequate damage.
Y'know, assuming they can land their mark with this one that is…
"Now wait just a moment, Vanir!" Darkness interjected, stepping in front of me and raising her hands in a complacent manner, with Aqua and Megumin coming up on either side in preparation for a fight. "I haven't the slightest idea who you think Jack is, but I can assure you that he is no threat to you!"
"Yeah! Jack can be a pain in the ass sometimes, sure, but he's a decent guy!" Megumin added while clutching her staff tightly. "If you so much as touch a single hair on his head, we'll beat you to a bloody pulp, ya hear!?"
"Your loyalty is truly touching, but ultimately pointless I'm afraid," Vanir refuted, dark magic gathering around his hands as he took a step forward, and then another, his cold gaze still locked on me. "As moi said prior, if 'Jack' is who moi believes him to be, then four lives will be a worthwhile sacrifice in the face of total annihilation."
I didn't know what Vanir was talking about at this point, nor did I have the time to try and understand as I saw B0B's crew fly downstairs just in time to see me up shit's creek without a paddle.
"BuilderBots!" I shouted with all the bravery I could muster, pointing squarely at the encroaching masked murderer. "DECONSTRUCT!"
"You heard the boss!" BB-B0B added. "Stop that demon!"
With that, my bots soared into action, switching out their arms to excavation drills, wrecking balls, and whatever else I'd equipped them with as they tried their damnedest to get between me and the nutso with the mask. Naturally...they didn't fare particularly well. Vanir dodged all of their attacks with remarkable ease, tearing most of my poor boys to pieces and leaving only B0B, 630FFR3Y, and FR3D left to defend me.
The three bots looked to one another before they very carefully circled around Vanir, waiting for him to make the first move. Of course, as with most supernatural beings way out of our league, the demon didn't even break a sweat, nor did he look concerned in the slightest. In fact, even though he still emanated that aura of deadly seriousness, he did allow himself to smirk faintly. Whatever he was scheming right then and there, I didn't like it, not one bit.
Suddenly, with anticipated skill, Vanir flipped over the trio just as they moved to strike. As soon as he hit the ground, he lunged forward and bolted around all three bots, flipping the off switches on the back of their heads before any of them got the chance to turn around. As B0B and his brothers fell to the ground, I spared the demon before me a mortified expression.
"Hey! You…you can't just do that!" I exclaimed in horror. "Hell, I can't even switch them off without their consent, what you did was comparable to sexual harassment! You really are a sicko!"
"Your glorified toys mean little to moi. Now, if we're quite finished with this little game of ours, hold still please," Vanir requested politely, the dark nature of his tone a far cry from when we first encountered him. "Moi has no interest in drawing this out any further."
Darkness drew her blade, Aqua's flower bud staff blossomed, Megumin sounded willing to cast Explosion on Vanir (even if that meant we went down with him) and I…left my futuristic crossbow back upstairs. I mean, I still had my short sword I guess, but I'd feel much safer using a ranged weapon on this mad man. Up close and personal was never really my style, anyway. Also, we were most likely going to die down here.
"Hey, Van? Did you make that run into town you mentioned the other day?" A new voice politely asked from right behind us, prompting us all to turn around and realize that the wall behind the empty treasure chest had disappeared, revealing a formally hidden room and a strange, skeleton-esque creature standing in the doorway, a friendly smile adorning on his face. "Also, who are your new friends? I thought you said we weren't gonna have company for another few weeks! This place is filthy, what are they going to think?"
Of course the one place I chose to set up my new home already had undead tenants un-living in it. That's my god awful luck for ya. What's your beef with me, Eris?
"Keele, this isn't really the time. Moi is bit preoccupied at the moment," Vanir replied shortly, before pausing as the lich sent him a particularly stern look, forcing a sigh from the demon's throat as he relented. "Oh, very well. This is Jack Spicer, Megumin No-Last-Name, Lalatina Dustiness Ford, and Blue Thing. There, introductions are finished. Happy?"
Dark (or "Lala" I guess) and Aqua groaned from embarrassment and cursed at the demon respectively. Funnily enough, that didn't sound like Dark's usual reaction to being humiliated, it sounded like she was legitimately embarrassed from Vanir calling her by her real name. Kinda weird…but at the same time I also kinds get it. I don't like being called John Edward Spicer by anybody, really.
"Oh, excuse moi, the first one's full real name is actually John Edward Spicer," Vanir suddenly corrected. "Much like Lalatina, aka 'Darkness', 'Jack' prefers to go by a nickname he created for himself because he hates the sound of his real name."
"What are you, a mind-reader or something!?"
"...yes. I thought you were a genius, how have you not put that together by now…?" Vanir confirmed with a mildly confused expression, before shaking his head and throwing up his hands. "We're getting off track here. Look, Keele, this isn't exactly a great time for a meet and greet. So if you could kindly leave moi for about a minute, he will take care of our guests."
The lich, Keele, glanced between Vanir and me huddled closely to my new friends in restrained fear. "Van…if I didn't know any better, I'd say you weren't simply about to prank these adventurers here, now were you? I thought you said you were above killing humans. You know, your main source for negative emotions? We had an arrangement."
"That we did, my friend. But I'm afraid this human in particular is worth voiding that agreement over," Vanir replied sagely, fixing me with another harsh look. "He is at the center of an ancient prophecy. A young man with the potential to plunge the world into darkness with an army of metal men."
"All I wanna do is conquer the world!" I cried in confused frustration. "Is that such a crime?"
"First and foremost, yes. That is absolutely a crime, Jack, and we really gotta hammer out the why in the near future," Aqua retorted with a soft huff of exasperation before turning her gaze back to Vanir and narrowing her eyes dangerously. "And what the hell are you talking about? Jack's a little weird, but he's not the mass-devastation type."
Oh, right, I almost forgot. Just because we're friends now doesn't mean they still see things from my perspective. Well, assuming we get out of this pickle alive, I'll do my best to show them the light of the dark side and how fun being evil can be! It's the least I could do for these girls as thanks for sticking up to me.
"It doesn't matter if he seems the type or not, foolish goddess," Vanir replied in irritation, shaking his head in visible disdain. "If there is even a slight chance this young man is related to the prophecy, moi will do what he must. After all, how can my dungeon host any adventurers if they're all dead?"
"Uh, yeah, actually, I'm not that big on the whole 'dead adventurer' thing…" I mildly defended, feeling somewhat queasy at the thought of fresh corpses near me. "I-I mean, what's the point in taking over the world if nobody's around to see it, right? Killing's never really been much of my style unless it's with monsters…or bloodthirsty demons. Hint, hint."
"Oh, some spark in you yet? At least you'll face your end with a modicum of decency, then," Vanir snarked, before throwing his hands outward as a dark, churning red energy formed around them. "I'm afraid this is farewell. Goodbye, Jack Spicer. Give that two-bit luck goddess my regards when you reach her."
Just when it seemed as though Darkness was rearing up to take yet another metaphorical bullet for the team, a purple magic attack of some kind collided with Vanir's red magic from behind us, making the masked demon slide back across the room. When we all turned around to look, we saw that it was Keele, standing atop the open treasure chest with his hand outstretched and a snarl marking what remained of his face.
"I'm terribly sorry, Vanir, but I cannot allow you to do that," Keele started cleanly, staring down his demonic friend with remarkable intensity. "You have no proof that this young man is anything more than a particularly bright inventor. I will not allow you to harm him or his party members over misplaced paranoia. Don't make me hurt you, my friend."
Vanir brushed off his pants and huffed, "This is precisely why moi didn't want you to get roped into all of this, Keele. Even if moi had the power to explain the prophecy to you with crystal clear accuracy, you'd likely call it hogwash anyway and continue to defend the 'innocent'. Your heart was always too big for your own good like that. However, moi can't afford to take the risk with this boy. Because moi likes you, he's only going to repeat himself once: stay out of this."
"I'm afraid you're wasting your breath, but all the same...thank you for the opportunity," Keele replied, turning once more to me and nodding. "Mr. Spicer, if you and your friends would kindly move to the chamber behind me. It appears our mutual friend needs to be reminded of his manners."
"Yeah, don't need to tell us twice," I mumbled before taking my leave in the second hidden chamber on this floor, the girls not far behind me. The room itself was, unfortunately, a dead end, apparently being used as a bedroom by Keele. There were some dressers, chairs, a small table with what looked like really valuable loot, and a bed being occupied by a human skeleton wearing a fancy dress…lovely.
"Oh, what the hell, man...?"
Almost immediately afterwards, the sounds of fighting rang out from the adjoining hall, with a few distinct blasts shuddering the walls of the room. The girls and I all looked at each other, silently weighing the pros and cons of peeking out into the hall and seeing just what the two undead were up to. After a few seconds, we seemed to come to the resolute agreement of 'fuck it, badass magic fight is badass.'
Sneaking a peek on both sides of the doorway, with Megumin and Darkness on the left side and Aqua and I on the right, we confirmed that the fight was indeed badass. The whole thing was practically a colorful lightshow of spells firing off in all directions as the opponents leapt and teleported to-and-fro. For a brief moment, it made me consider how Wuya and Chase's power levels would stack up in this world. Ms. "I've wreaked havoc and destruction when the Earth was still young and mankind was just crawling out of the mud" might have a fighting chance here, but Lizard Breath…?
I honestly don't know. That's a thought experiment I'll have to mess with later, preferably when my life wasn't at stake.
As we watched the fight play out, my eyes kept glancing back to the staircase on the other side of the hall. I spoke quietly to my team. "Guys, hear me out. On my signal, we make a break for it back upstairs."
"What?! Jack, that's a terrible idea!" Megumin sputtered, sending me a look of utter bewilderment as she shook her head vehemently while clutching her staff. "No way, not until that mask guy is taken care of! I don't want to end up as an ash pile so young! I have so many more Explosions to cast!"
"And I have so many more bots to make! Which is why we need to get to higher ground and open areas as soon as possible," I argued as calmly as I could, the panic threatening to jump out of my throat in the form of a whimper. "Besides, you heard Vanir, he's stronger than the Devil King himself. I'd rather not have us stuck between a rock and a hard place when that Keele guy falls!"
"I hate to say it, but Jack has a point. We're not gonna be much use to anyone if we die down here thanks to that smelly demon jerk!" Aqua chimed in, her eyes also flicking to the staircase in contemplation. "I'm with Jack on this one. Darkness, what's your vote?"
The blonde crusader looked at her comrades for a moment before her eyes landed directly on mine. Before the intense staring could make me blush, however, she raised her fist confidently and gave her answer.
"You're our leader and our friend, and I trust your judgement. I will take up the rear so that any and all incoming attacks will be directed towards me while the rest of you take the front!"
"Never change, Dark," I lightly commented with a small chuckle before turning over to the only objector in the group. "Three to one, Megumin. Sorry, but them's the breaks"
"Ugh, fine, I get it. I can do basic math," The Crimson Demon huffed quietly, before nodding and taking up position alongside her friends. "Alright, rushing the stairs it is. Ready when you guys are, I guess."
I nodded, moving myself into position in front of the line we were now making. I kneeled down in preparation for a sprint and paid very close attention to the movements of the two magic-casters duking it out. Once I saw our opening, I gave the signal…
"RUN AWAY LIKE LITTLE GIRLS!"
If my friends had any immediate reactions to the signal, I didn't catch it. Instead, I was busy booking it down the hall and right up those stairs with an agility that usually eluded me. Fear of death must have been one helluva drug, because I ended up being the first to reach the top with the girls not far behind. Of course, I did instantly faceplant after passing the last stair, but hey! Progress!
"Jack, we're friends and all, so I want you to know that I say this out of a place of kindness and respect," Aqua panted between breaths, paradoxically sending me an amused yet annoyed look. "That was the dumbest signal ever. Of all time. I mean, it telegraphed our retreat, you dummy!"
"I panicked, okay?" I miserably defended after pulling my face and body off the ground. When I took note of Sigma Squad hovering nearby, I gave my children a cross look. "And where were you during that commotion? There's a masked maniac trying to kill us! Didn't you get the message?"
"We did, sir, but we got ambushed by another pocket of mobs hiding in the halls we were patrolling in. With the BuilderBots already dispatched, we assumed that it would be wiser to clear the path for a swift retreat," The frontmost bot, B2U1532, answered diligently, before glancing back down the far hall and pausing. "Then again...there isn't much of a place to retreat to, outside of the limo."
Oh, what's this? My most experienced and combat-ready robots got held up right around the same time I needed their help? Must be "Eris-fucking-me-over-with-piss-poor-luck o'clock"!
"Never mind, change of plans: go downstairs and gather all the BuilderBots' chips as quickly possible, then meet us back at the limo with all the other bots! Go, go, GO!"
"Aye-aye, sir!" B2U1532 saluted, moving with the rest of Sigma as they flew downstairs to retrieve their fallen brothers. Likewise, the girls and I grabbed our weapons and equipment and started for the limo itself, parked within the spacious mouth of the dungeon. The biting cold from the snow storm right outside the entrance may have nipped my sensitive skin, but I'd just have to suck it up for the time being.
Tossing my shit into the passenger seat, I peeked inside the main cabin to make sure everything was still in working order. Having to take off in the middle of a blizzard was risky business, no doubt, but anything was better than staying here with a psychotic Duke of Hell. If we got really lucky, we might actually be able to pull this one off.
The girls and I were just about to hop in when we saw the blurring figure of JB-C2U5H32 crash into the front bumper and fall apart upon impact. Looking up nervously while steadily aiming the crossbow with my shaky hands, I watched as Vanir calmly strolled into the main hall with Keele nowhere in sight.
"Shit, shit, shit!" I sputtered in terror, floundering for a moment as I tried to think of something, anything to stop the raging demon from getting any closer. I still hadn't worked out all the bugs in my sci-fi crossbow, and even if I did, I doubt heat-seeking drone needles would do much to him. I was gonna need something with a little more OMPH!
That's when my gaze flicked to the limo. The gears finally started to turn in my head as I glanced back at the approaching Vanir walking through a hallway big enough for a car to drive through in.
"...fuck it, better than nothing."
Without explaining myself to the confused girls, I slid into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut, starting the ignition and revving up the engine. When the headlights came on, to my surprise (and subdued horror), Vanir actually stopped walking towards me, standing perfectly still with his hands in his pockets as he observed. While admittedly scary, I decided to chalk it up as him having no clue what a car could do and floored it. But not before buckling up, though, I wasn't that crazy.
With the benefit of hindsight, I do recognize that it wasn't my best idea I've ever had, but then again, I've never been great under pressure. As the limo lurched forward towards the waiting demon, that last part echoed in my mind, almost like some cruel tease from fate itself considering what was to follow.
Vanir…lifted his foot out in front of him. And that foot, apparently, was studier than a brick wall.
The moment the front bumper made contact with his palm, I got into my first ever car crash. Thanks to my seatbelt, I was still alive, although my upper torso was hurting pretty bad from slamming into the steering wheel. Oh, and the airbag went off too late. I was starting to hate Eris more and more with each passing failure.
Suddenly, the driver door was ripped off the hinges, and I was roughly yanked out of the vehicle, seatbelt and all. As I sprawled out onto the cold and painful stone floor, I flipped over to glare at Vanir, who stared down at me with equal parts irritation and weariness. I might have been imagining it, but it seemed like he was just the slightest bit winded in that moment, too.
"Now then, if you're quite done throwing your little toys at moi, moi believes playtime is now over," Vanir growled, his eyes glowing bright red as though he were about to fire lasers from them like an actual robot himself. "Last words, foolish tinkerer?"
I don't know what came over me in that instance, but I decided to go down with a little attitude of my own.
"Yeah, a few. Show off those flashy powers all you like, you're still the lamest villain I've ever met. And I know a morbidly obese ninja."
With an unimpressed scoff, Vanir's eyes seemed to glow a bit brighter, and I felt the fear creep into my chest once again as I considered the fact that I was once again going to die...only for my view to be interrupted by Aqua's staff nailing Vanir straight in his stupid, murder face, actually knocking him a foot or two back in the process!
"Bullseye!" I heard Aqua cheer from somewhere behind me. "That's how a goddess does it, you smelly demon bully!"
I heard Vanir snarl audibly as he turned back to face the water goddess, only for his expression to falter suddenly. After a second or two, I realized why as the small but visible crack on his mask slowly splintered out across both sides. Suddenly, his mask looked about ready to shatter like glass, and just when I expected it to do so, his gaze fell back to me...and he huffed.
"Well…this is just plain embarrassing."
And like that, his mask completely split in two, a surging wave of demonic energy spilling out of it as his body disintegrated into earth and sand. Then, as quickly as it happened, it was over. Vanir was nothing more than a broken mask resting on top a pile of dirt.
"...holy sHIT, Aqua! You got him!" I practically shrieked, more shocked that I was still alive to put much stock into what the hell just happened. "I thought I was toast! I...I just...thanks, I guess!"
"Pfft! 'You guess'? I'll take the gratitude anyway, but seriously, you are something else, Jack." Aqua snorted in a joking manner as kneeled down to heal my battered body. Her jovial expression didn't last for very long, however, as she looked down at me with reserved anger. "But in all seriousness, what the hell were you thinking, driving into him? You could've killed yourself back there!"
"I…I panicked! Again!" I argued meekly, seeing the other two girls coming to check up on me. "You should know by now that I don't work well under pressure…"
"Well don't do that again, alright? Just because I can revive you doesn't mean I want to see you dying every other fight." The goddess whined, before noticing the bewildered look on my face and blinking in confusion. "What's that look for?"
"You can revive me if I die?" I asked stupidly. "That's something you can just do? I thought gods frowned upon raising the dead."
"Eh, it's different. My magic isn't necromancy, it's holy," Aqua replied confidently, even though it really just sounded like semantics to me. Still, I wasn't gonna protest to not permanently dying a second time! "But like I said, don't think this gives you permission to put yourself at risk all the time!"
"Risk is something I strive to avoid whenever possible, so consider it done," I said with a mock salute, succeeding in making Aqua crack and smile and chuckle slightly. Wow, was this what having real friends felt like? I think I like it…
Glancing back down at what remained of Vanir, I smirked evilly and gloated at his pile. "How ya like us now, huh? Loser! Scrub! Jim Carrey wannabe! HaHaHaHa! You suck~!"
"As humble in victory as you are in defeat, Spicer," Darkness remarked with a small smile while shaking her head in amusement, before stopping mid turn as her expression switched back to serious. "Now that that's over, we should probably collect the rest of your bots and see if Keele is alright."
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess you're right," I agreed once I had my fill of gloating. Briskly jogging back over to the dented head of JB-C2U5H32, I removed his indestructible emotion chip with surgeon-like precision before jogging back over to my friends. "…Ladies first?"
"Wow, such a gentleman," Megumin snorted, before starting for the stairs with the rest of us trailing behind. As we moved from wrecked bot to wrecked bot collecting their chips, I was stuck with the strangest sense of...well, frankly, happiness. It felt good knowing that I could trust these guys, that slowly but surely we were starting to understand each other. They might not really get my evilness yet, but they were trying to, and that was enough for a change.
After collecting all the chips from the destroyed bots on the main floor (while also running into the other miscellaneous bots who'd been hiding in fear when Vanir went on a rampage), we made it back down into the "treasure room" where this whole mess started. Salvaging the chips from the demolished BuilderBot crew and Sigma Squad, I went ahead and flipped the switches for B0B, 630FFR3Y, and FR3D back on, taking a moment to relish in the Windows XP Startup sound effect I programmed into them upon waking up. I loved that sound effect.
"HAVE AT THEE, FOUL DEMON!" FR3D practically roared as he shot upwards before turning his head one hundred and eighty degrees to face me and he realized that some time had passed. "Oh. Um...did we win, sir?"
"Uh, y-yeah, we won alright. Big time!" I reassured, not meeting the bot's eyes as I scratched my blushing cheek. I really couldn't bring myself to explain what happened to them specifically, even if they could probably infer on their own. "Anyway, are your systems in order, Fred? Nothing's broken in there, is it?"
"Negative, all good up here sir. Still ready to rumble!" The bot replied pleasantly, followed shortly by a single bolt popping off his chassis and rolling away to an unknown location, after which he corrected himself. "I'm actually not sure if that was essential or not!"
"Well, you're not totally falling apart on me, so I guess it was nonessential. Still, I'll get you a new one later," I said before addressing the other two BuilderBots once they powered back on. "Hey Bob, hey Geoffrey. Guess what? We won the battle, baby! And you did great out there; you're still in one piece!"
"Thank you, sir! Glad to be of service!" 630FFR3Y replied, his tone actually quite enthusiastic given the circumstances. "Any battle we can walk away from is a battle won in my book!"
"Uhhh, how often do these guys get destroyed to warrant that kind of response?" Megumin suddenly asked with a raised brow and concerned expression, one that only grew when I started using my fingers to help count in my head. "Jack…"
"I…I don't know," I answered honestly, hot shame rushing over me when I said that. "I lost count after a while…"
"I suppose this is a foolish question, but have you ever considered increasing their durability?" Darkness asked with a curious head tilt, catching my attention. "I don't know anything about how you make them work, but if you built them out of stronger metal, would they be able to withstand more damage without being destroyed?"
"I already tried using different metals, but nothing's worked," I sighed with a defeated shrug. "When their enemies include monks with powers over the four elements, fifteen-hundred-year-old witches, and immortal Chinese warlords, they might as well be wearing armor made out of paper. At this point, I just stick with orichalcum 'cuz I think it makes them look pretty…"
"Huh...hey Jack, huddle up for a sec." Aqua requested, waving me over mere feet away from the others. Confused but intrigued, I heard her out and joined her in the huddle. "Have you considered using metal from here when rebuilding the bots? I mean, the rare stuff would obviously be expensive and hard to find, but it's definitely stronger than Earth metals too!"
"…it is?" I asked quietly, mostly to myself. That's when my eyes suddenly found themselves studying Darkness' shiny white breastplate. The older woman seemed to get the wrong idea at first, for she did that twitchy thing she tended to do whenever she got turned on.
Controlling my own libido, I asked her, "Hey, Dark? I can't believe I haven't asked this sooner, but…what is your armor made out of? I've seen it endure so much shit yet it usually is only cracked at worst. What kind of metal is that?"
"Hmm? O-oh, uh...that would be adamantite," Darkness answered after a moment of hesitation. "A sturdy and decently rare metal alloy that is highly coveted by the upper echelon of society." She soon glanced between herself and the nearby bots in realization. "You don't think...?"
"Only if they want it," I responded immediately, turning over to the bots listening in. "If I do a trial run with this bootleg adamantium metal and it goes over well…would you be fine with wearing 'new clothes' from here on out?"
"Absolutely! Nothing wrong with a new shell!" B0B confirmed ecstatically, his enthusiasm shared by just about every other bot in the hall. Clearly, they all liked the idea, and that was more than enough for me to consider it.
"Okay then. I'll be sure to make that a top priority on my list of upcoming projects!" I said with finality, before looking back at my unexpected muse. "Uh…y'know if you got a spare suit lying around that you're not using…can I have it? T-to melt down for robot parts, that is!"
"Certainly! I actually have a spare back at...the...oh. Right." Darkness muttered, her expression falling as she recalled their current situation. "Unfortunately, I fear it's been confiscated at this point by Sena and her guardsmen."
Great, now I feel like shit again.
"Sorry…" I mumbled quietly while keeping my head down to avoid her gaze.
"Well...who knows? Maybe we could go on a mining adventure for some whenever we finish renovations!" Megumin suggested, before glancing up the stairs and grimacing slightly. "Hey Jack, I don't imagine that one of your bots has a dustpan or broom? We should probably sweep up what's left of Vanir before any of us step in it."
"Hmm? Oh, yeah, fair point," I agreed before turning to the three BuilderBots left standing (floating). "You three: go upstairs and dispose of that asshole's remains. Oh! But save the mask for me, will ya? I think it'll look great on the mantle!"
"Right away, sir!" FR3D chirped, before drifting up the stairs with his brothers in order to dispose of what was left of the troublesome demon. With that nasty situation handled, the girls and I resumed looking for Keele, and ultimately found him back in the room he had told us to wait in. Turns out, we made the right choice by getting the hell outta dodge.
Predictably, Darkness didn't hesitate to jog towards the unconscious lich and kneel down to try and stir him awake. When he eventually came to, he laughed to himself softly before cutting himself off with a small, "Ow." Me too, buddy, me too. Other than the human skeleton he keeps in his bed, I was already more of a Keele fan than I was a Wiz fan right now for obvious reasons.
"Thanks for helping us out, man. Your roomie was off his rocker," I started earnestly as Keele sat up slightly, glancing around at me and my friends. "Would have preferred you taking care of him all on your own, but your efforts are appreciated nonetheless!"
When my friends suddenly gave me dirty looks, I got confused and held my hands up automatically. "What? What'd I say?"
"Heh, well, I'd have to concur with him on one thing: you are certainly an odd young man," Keele chortled quietly, seemingly unoffended by whatever had the girls so upset. "Such is the providence of youth, I suppose. I was odd myself, before I became like this...though maybe I still am."
"Keele, was it?" Aqua asked, turning back to the rather relaxed undead. "As the goddess worshipped by the Holy Axis Sect., tell me…why have you forsaken your humanity in favor of becoming a lich? We're grateful for your help, but had I been any more on edge around Vanir, I likely would've purified you on the spot…no offense."
"None taken, I understand. As for the why...well, I suppose that's quite the tale, isn't it?" Keele admitted, his tone simultaneously wistful and tired. "If you're willing to tough it through this old man's story, I think you'll have a decent understanding of my actions."
One glance around at each other later, and we all came to a unanimous decision. "Not like we have anywhere else to be at the moment. Go right ahead."
Over the next hour or so, Keele proceeded to tell us the story of how he fell from 'greatness', even though I insisted it was overrated at best. He spoke of how he fell in love with a nobleman's daughter, and after outwitting the king she was married to, they went on the run from the kingdom they hailed from. Ultimately, Keele created a maze to hide them both, and became a lich in order to protect his beloved. Since her passing, he mostly just kept to himself, with his only company in recent years being Vanir, and that lasted for about a week before we showed up.
Near the tail end of his story, I found myself eyeing the skeletal remains of his dead wife in morbid curiosity. "You don't still…like 'do stuff' with her, do you?"
"Jack, why are you like this…?" Megumin groaned in frustration as she buried her head in her hands. Meanwhile, Darkness and Aqua both shot me mortified looks in response. Keele was a good sport over it, though, chuckling a little and shaking his head in light amusement.
"Oh, how I yearn to be a teenager again," he said wistfully. "Well, you don't need to worry, son. My days of 'shaking the sheets' are long behind me. Just be thankful my beloved isn't around to hear you say that though. Doubt she'd find it as amusing as I do."
"Yeah...sorry about that," I muttered, feeling the slightest bit guilty despite myself. Honestly, Keele seemed like a pretty cool guy, even if he was a bit more righteous than I would have preferred. Still, game recognizes game, right? "So, what are you gonna do now?"
"Well, it's actually fortuitous that you and your party happened to stop by, believe it or not," Keele said, turning to Aqua before elaborating. "Forgive me if I find your claim about being a goddess dubious at best, ma'am, but you are at least an archpriest, are you not?"
"Yes, I am," Aqua replied in an unsettlingly calm tone, especially given how her godliness was being questioned. I tilted my head to face her, and I was struck by how...mature she suddenly looked, a far cry from her usual behavior. It wasn't just her expression either, but something about her posture, the way she carried herself...there was a respect to it. "Are you asking what I think you're asking, Keele?"
"I believe so, holy archpriest," Keele said with a tired sigh, looking up at Aqua with almost longing eyes. "Would you be so kind as to purify me? I long to be reunited with my beloved up in Heaven."
"It would be my pleasure, sir." Aqua replied without the slightest hint of humor or ego. For the first time since I met her, I actually had the feeling of watching a goddess at work. Moving to stand in front of Keele, she extended her hand to just above his head and started to speak.
"Arch Wizard Keele, you abandoned your humanity and became a lich. In the name of Aqua, Goddess of Water, your sin is forgiven. When you awaken, you will meet Eris, another goddess, one with a deceptive chest. If you have any personal preferences you'd like to know for the form you will take next, she will provide. You will be with your beloved again."
The skeleton-man managed a warm smile as he slowly started to disappear in a blue glow. Before he completely left this mortal coil, however, I was just able to catch him utter "I'm coming, my Love." After that, there was no trace of Keele left to speak of.
Well…that is except for that small pile of gold and rare equipment he had lying on his nightstand. I didn't say anything, partially out of fear of incurring the girls' wrath, but I was pretty sure they noticed me eyeing it regardless.
"So...you think we can just…?" I asked after a few beats, receiving the glares I had anticipated in turn, throwing up my arms in frustration. "Oh, c'mon people! At least one of you was also thinking about it! It's not like he'll be needing it anymore, why shouldn't we take it with us!?"
While Darkness and Megumin both crossed their arms, clearly unimpressed by my sound logic, I did catch Aqua's glare falter when she snuck a peek at the loot herself, a familiar greedy glint in her eyes that I've come to pick up on whenever she wanted some of my hard earned dough.
"I mean...he'd probably want us to have it, right? To help us on our journey and such, not to mention just as a thank you!" She chimed in after a few moments of consideration, looking startled with the similar glares the other girls sent her way. "It's just gonna go to waste otherwise! Pretty please?"
I quickly slid up right beside my newfound supporter when no one was looking, cranking the puppy dog eyes to full blast as I bolstered her plea. "With a cherry on top~?"
"You guys are both total vultures," Megumin deadpanned, before glancing at the loot pile and humming in consideration. "Still...we could probably get some decent gear with that much gold. I guess I don't really see the harm…"
"Megumin!?" Darkness practically squawked in surprise. However, before she could try to object any further, she looked to us three and came to the realization that she had been outvoted on this one. Then, like clockwork, she gradually became aroused at the thought of having virtually no voice in the group. Was it weird to be attracted to one of your newly established friends? Wait, uh, I mean – SHUT UP!
"Quick, while she's in her own little world, grab the loot!" I murmured to my apparent partners in crime, each of us hastily grabbing whatever we could carry from the pile as Darkness flushed and sputtered, still trying to compose herself. "Get up to the limo, go, go, go!"
By the time the horny crusader finished having her little moment, she called at us from down below the stairs. I drowned out her cries with my trademark evil laugh, and the less-than-evil giggles coming from my associates. I may be jumping the gun when I say this, but…I think having these numbskulls for friends might just prove to be one of the few best things to ever happen to me…
Y'know, aside from eventually taking over the world, of course. Duh.
Who knew having a partner to help write with you could increase productivity?
Anyway, I don't have too much to say in regards to this chapter. I liked it. Thought it had a healthy balance of action, comedy, and semi-seriousness: the perfect trifecta for a good story in my mind. But, of course, your thoughts are always appreciated as well. I hope I've been doing a serviceable job of providing you all with quality entertainment thus far. Till the next installment!
