Nothing like processed chocolate to start the day off right-wrong!

After the roller coaster of emotions that was last night, we all ended up passing out at some point in the main hall. Naturally, I was the first to wake up due to the night terrors making it hard for me to stay asleep again. Well, that and my stomach whining at me to put something in it now that it's been two whole days since I've eaten or anything, which did scare me a little. Luckily, I came prepared and snagged my magic 3D snack printer just before we left Spicer Mansion II! However, because I designed it to only spawn junk food of my choosing, we didn't have any water to drink, and I hear that's important for survival. So, I ordered some JackBots to go scout for a nearby lake or pound while I got to work setting up breakfast for everybody.

By the time the girls woke up, they were greeted by a bounty of all my favorite snack foods for them to snarf down on. They were a little skeptical of the food at first, but after hearing their own stomachs growl at them in protest and seeing the arrival of fresh water provided by the bots I sent out, they relented soon enough.

And so we all sat around and helped ourselves to whatever I could spawn before the printer ran out of juice. As Aqua and Megumin practically inhaled their chips and snack cakes, I noticed a put-off crusader eyeing her own selection of food with dubious eyes.

"Somethin' the matter, Dark?" I asked in between spoonfuls of pudding. "You barely touched your Cheetos and you only took a sip of your Coke before going straight for the water."

"While I understand beggars can't be choosers, I can't say I particularly enjoy the spread you've provided for us here," Darkness admitted, glaring slightly at the cheesy poofs before her with the slightest hint of ire. "They hardly look appetizing, and I doubt that 'junk food' has any health benefits."

"Now what is that supposed to mean?" I questioned in a near offended tone while gesturing at the glorious spread before us. "You got your dairy, your carbohydrates, your high fructose corn syrup, all the essential food groups are here! So sorry I couldn't snag 'a vegetable' for you, Ms. Picky-Eater. I thought you'd be happy that I can provide at all..."

"That...that's not...I just think...UGH!" Darkness huffed, her cheeks red from both her usual tendencies kicking in and what very well could've been rare but genuine embarrassment. Guess I hit a childhood nerve with that picky eater comment. "Fine! I will do and eat what I must, happy!?"

"Atta girl!" I cheered while watching her grab a small handful of Cheetos and willing herself to eat them. I glanced over at my other two friends and said, "Take it from these two. They clearly recognize fine dining when they see it, right ladies?"

"Fine is not the word that comes to mind, but it sure is tasty!" Aqua replied, swallowing the rest of her puffs before flashing me a bright, cheese-stained smile. "If I gotta give you credit for anything, that food generator of yours is a godsend. Take it from me!"

"Yeah, it is a thrilling work of genius, isn't it?" I agreed, only to receive an eyeroll in response. It was the truth, wasn't it?

My attention was torn away by the voracious smacking of a certain Crimson Demon as she ripped into whatever she could get her hands on like a starving wolf. "Jesus, Megumin! Careful or you might eat some of the wrappers by mistake!"

"I can't stop myself! This stuff is amazing!" Megumin replied ecstatically, a Snickers bar in one hand and a bag of pretzels in the other. "I've never had food so low maintenance yet so delicious before!"

My eyes slowly widen in both realization and slight fear. "I think I gave the malnourished kid her first sugar rush…oops."

"Sugar rush? What exactly are you referring to – oh," Darkness started, before noticing that Megumin was practically, um, vibrating as she stuffed her face with sweets and snacks alike. "Uh...perhaps that's enough food for now? We wouldn't want to end up getting sick, yes?"

"Y-yeah, that's fair," I agreed nervously as I slowly and carefully reached out for the bag of chips that was now in front of the hyperactive time bomb. "So, uh, I'll just go ahead and put the Doritos away for now and- -"

I quickly drew my hand back when Megumin suddenly lunged forward at me with an honest-to-God hiss, eyes wide and frantic as she cupped her snacks and skittered backwards like a cornered animal determined to protect its shit. Obviously, the rest of us were freaked the fuck out by that reaction, and decided it would be best to just...let the sugar rush run its course.

"Uh…you know what, buddy? Help yourself to whatever you like! You've earned it!" I declared with a faux smile and a thumbs up, anything to placate the explosive food junkie before us. As Megumin continued to murder her breakfast like a deranged serial killer, I looked back at the other two girls and whispered, "I don't know when she'll crash, I'm scared…"

"Yeah, I wouldn't risk sending any of your bots in after her," Aqua agreed, watching the display with the slightest hint of terror as she scooted a little further away. "Well, while we're waiting for her to settle down, we should probably get a plan in place."

"Huh? Oh, uh, ahem, right," I started confidently, moving aside the snacks that were lucky enough to survive Megumin's carnage and spreading out the ground plans for the new lair. "Okay, so, with only three BuilderBots still left intact, my limited magic meter for Sandbox Mode, and a small crate of emergency mana potions left to spare, my projections for getting the second lab fully constructed are…uhhh…!"

Crap! I forgot that Aqua doesn't know I use her as a battery to recharge whenever she's sleeping! How does one tell their official new friend they've been secretly siphoning their endless supply of magic without making it sound weird? Oh, why didn't my insomnia kick in last night when I could've used it most!? I might've been able to at least get one-fourth of the lair done by now!

"So, to put simply, your plans for making a second 'lair' are on hold right now. Probably for the best, honestly," Aqua admitted, thankfully steering the conversation away from that topic for now. "Look, I don't know about you, but we have to start looking at alternatives. This place just isn't fit to be a home, let alone a temporary one! We need somewhere else!"

"We can't exactly go anywhere yet with the flying limo totaled, Aqua," I countered, doing my best to hold back the sassy villain snark that threatened to attack the water goddess out of force of habit. "That's gonna take heavy tools to fix, and I don't have the magic manpower to spawn materials to make them. Besides, when you think about it, this place isn't so bad once you ignore the occasional gremlin. Plus, I have yet to run into a single spider! Seriously, all the planets have to align in order to find a home that doesn't have those horror shows in 'em."

"Jack, I'm afraid I have to agree with Aqua's assessment, regardless of the circumstances," Darkness chimed in, shooting me a worried glance that did a number on my confidence. "This area isn't suitable for us, and it won't be for quite some time. We need to make a new plan, one that doesn't require us living in a hole in the ground...and preferably one where we can clear our names."

"But…but I've already decorated though…" I argued with a dejected whimper, gesturing to Vanir's taped up mask which now hung on the wall behind me. "It's not much, but it gives the room a little feng shui."

"Jack, that's hardly…an…" Darkness attempted to speak with a bewildered look, before trailing off as she looked at the mask long and hard, her eyebrows furrowing in consideration. "Wait a moment...what if the mask is our answer!?"

"…Those Cheetos must've gone to your head," I muttered worriedly while rubbing the back of my neck. Between her and the sugar-crazed Megumin, I was beginning to reconsider my idea of loading these girls up on junk food for the first time. "Do you need to lie down for a few?"

"No, listen to me for a moment! Vanir was a Demon General, yes?" She asked, glancing around our group to see if we were following. Shocker, we weren't. "If Vanir was a Demon General, and we slayed him...we could present his mask as proof for our innocence and get back into Belzerg's good graces."

"Wait a minute…" I said suddenly, getting up to take my trophy off its hook as I spoke my thoughts aloud. "If Vanir was a Demon General, and we slayed him...we could present his mask as proof for our innocence and get back into Belzerg's good graces, allowing us to finally go back home! God, I'm such a genius!"

"I...you...Eris above, you make me so angry sometimes…" Darkness practically growled through clenched teeth, apparently fired up about something. Regardless, she sighed wearily and continued, "It could work, if we approached the right authorities and conducted ourselves in a less...chaotic manner, let's say."

"I don't know," Aqua drawled nervously, shooting our crusader friend a concerned look. "Do you really think Vanir's mask will be enough evidence? I mean, it's better than hiding out in this dungeon, but still. What if it's not enough proof for the princess?"

"Well….I do have some pull in that department, admittedly," Darkness confessed, tapping her fingers together as Aqua and I leveled mutual stares of confusion her way. "I-I may or may not know the princess to an extent, so, theoretically, I might be able to convince her that we're telling the truth?"

"Again, should've abused your wealth and influence from the start, Dark," I deadpanned. "I mean, c'mon, we both come from rich families; being corrupt is in our blood for badness' sake! How else does the world spin?"

"...As shamefully aroused as I am by your venal outlook on life, I do genuinely worry about you sometimes," Darkness replied with a light blush and a deadpan delivery. They were still dragging their feet over joining me on the evil train it seems. "Regardless, we still have an opportunity here. If possible, I'd like to make the most of it before we end up getting arrested or hanged."

"Or worse…" Aqua started fearfully. "Mauled by Megumin…"

On cue, we all slowly turned our attention back to the sugar-frenzied Megumin, who was currently in the middle of disemboweling a Twinkie. At some point or another, a wandering JackBot had noticed the kid's condition and was cautiously extending a claw arm out to her.

"Ma'am, please, I think you've had enough- -"

Promptly, with all the speed and ferocity I would've expected from a goddamn tiger, Megumin lashed out, grabbing the bot by his arm and yanking it off with a genuinely fearsome roar. Of course, the bot released a shrill noise, likely one of shock instead of real pain, and was abruptly silenced by his arm being returned to him via his face, nearly knocking him over in the process.

Immediately then after, the JackBot zoomed over to me, detached arm in one hand, and nuzzled himself into my chest, his chassis quaking in fear. "Hold me, Father!"

"No, hold me!" I corrected, embracing the bot in a fear hug as we both silently watched Megumin give us a warning glare with her twitchy crimson eyes before resuming her messy feast.

"Yeah, that sugar crash can't come soon enough. That's...disturbing," Aqua admitted, taking a few cautionary steps back despite her existing distance already. "A-anyway, I agree with Darkness, this place blows! Even if it's a small chance to get back home to the mansion, it's still a chance I'm willing to take it. So it's two on one, then!"

"Alright, fine! You've made your point already," I relented after easing out of my moment of mortal fear. I continued to speak as I busied myself with reattaching the JackBot's arm with the tools I had on me. "I'll admit, I prefer living in a mansion with a fully functioning lab already built. Whether this works out or not, I just hope those royal yokels are too stupid to figure out how to use a keypad lock. I'd rather not have a bunch of medieval dunderheads touch my shit…err, current company notwithstanding, of course."

"While I can agree with the sentiment, I must ask how likely it is they'll even know what they're dealing with down there," Darkness remarked with a contemplative look. "The one time that you've let us into your lab, we barely knew what we were looking at, even with your assistance. I can't imagine what they would think without anyone there to guide them."

"Eh, you may be right. Still, I don't like the idea of other people playing with my stuff," I said after haphazardly sticking the JackBot's arm back in place (I'd do a more thorough job later). "It was bad enough when my little cousin would play with my robots, I can't imagine what'd be like for snobby royal folk to get their grubby hands on them."

"Oh, are you referring to 'Lady' Megan?" The JackBot, who I know identified as JB-B3NNY, questioned innocently while testing the functions of his reattached arm. "I've heard Sigma Squad tell stories about her to the other bots. Her tea parties sounded nice!"

"Oh, I'm sure they were nice for you guys," I grumbled, recalling the strong irritation I felt after Megan had decided my bots were fair game. "If I can take solace in one thing, it's that I'll never have to deal with Megan touching my stuff again...hopefully."

"Hang on, you had a little cousin?" Aqua suddenly asked, seemingly confused by such a marvel concept. "That wasn't in your file I received back in Heaven. Then again, I did kinda skim over it, so…"

"I'm sorry, you skimmed over my file?" I asked in a near accusatory tone. "First you thought I lived in Japan when I actually lived in America before moving to China. Now you're saying you didn't know I had a cousin? Aqua…how much do you know about my life on Earth?"

"Ah...well…" Aqua trailed off, avoiding my gaze as she chuckled nervously, lacing her hands together before hastily clearing her throat. "A-anyway, as soon as Megumin winds down, we should probably start moving back in the direction of Axel! Wasting daylight and such, right?"

I narrowed my eyes at the suspicious water goddess before relenting, "Alright, but I got my eye on you, Buster Brown. One way or another, I'll get my answer outta you..."

Keeping that conversation locked away in the back of my mind for another time, the girls, bots, and I all started to pack what little we had out, while giving Megumin a wide berth. Eventually, the little mongrel passed out, falling asleep on the cold stone floor with a small mountain of snack wrappers strewn around her. As scary as the kid was when high on sugar, I had to admit, she was kind of adorable when sleeping like a baby.

Note to self: load the pyromaniac up on candy as a last resort secret weapon.


Because of how utterly wrecked the car was from last night's battle, I had to swallow my pride and leave it where it was for the time being. I would definitely be coming back for it later though, assuming we didn't get the death sentence that is. Repressing that scary thought, we did at least take Keele's stuff out of the trunk first before leaving. Any wandering band of misfits would probably get a lot more mileage out of that than a broken down vehicle, and I wasn't gonna let that happen. I ain't running a charity!

Anyway, because of how much it had snowed last night, we all donned our winter gear (save for the masochist of course) before heading out with all the bots carrying our stuff. Trudging all the way back to town on foot through five inches of snow was not fun, and the freezing temperature didn't make me feel any more confident about our goal. Sure, Vanir was an enemy of the State and we had his mask as a trophy, but what if the princess decided that simply wasn't good enough? What if she still saw me as some unaffiliated terrorist just looking for trouble and/or didn't care that we took out an ally to the Devil King?

I was pulled out of these worrying thoughts and more by Megumin once again groaning about her upset stomach.

"Oogh...never again. I will never eat sweets ever again," She swore up and down from atop Aqua's back, her face slightly greener than normal as she looked utterly miserable. "Gods above, why did none of you stop me?"

"Because you hissed at me," I answered simply.

"And you ripped my freaking arm off!" cried JB-B3NNY from the back. "Seriously, I may have to request a memory wipe later because all I can see now is your ravenous monster face coming at me!"

Megumin just grumbled quietly from atop the goddess' back, more preoccupied with not puking all over her and just holding on tight. Honestly, I was just a little bit worried about her. But then I ultimately decided that Megumin would be fine. If she could cast super destructive magic, she could get over a simple tummy ache.

Silence overtook our group yet again, which left me back to my soul-crushing, paranoid thoughts on the situation at hand. To sort of distract myself from fully succumbing to my anxiety, I decided to speak up about something that's been on my mind for a while now.

"Hey, uh, guys?" I started, waiting for all three of the girls to give me their attention. "W-whatever happens to us going forward, I just wanna say I'm…sorry for getting us into this mess. I only did what I did because I panicked and wanted to save you guys from sharing my fate. So, um, if we do end up getting the axe regardless, I just want to say now…"

I took a deep breath of courage before finishing my thought. "Hanging out with you guys was a lot of fun. And I'm really happy you wanted to be my f-friends…thank you…"

"While I still hold hope that everything will work out in the end, I appreciate your sentiments all the same, Jack," Darkness replied with a small smile. At least someone was feeling more hopeful than me. That was...oddly reassuring, in a way. "It has been an absolute pleasure being both your ally and friend. Regardless of how today ends, know that I was happy to walk alongside you for as long as I did."

"I can't say I exactly enjoyed being a fugitive with you, but…" Aqua stalled, seemingly thinking her words carefully before speaking, something I still had trouble with ironically. Once she gave it some thought, she smiled and said, "I also can't say I didn't have a little bit of fun hanging out with you either. You may be the weirdest human I've ever had to deal with, but you're also a total riot! And that's coming from a goddess; we're known to party like no one else! So that's a pretty big compliment if you ask me~"

Megumin propped her head up to look at me, seemingly gathering the strength to make an addition of her own. "You guys mean a lot to me. You're the only ones who've ever given me the time of day...thank you for that. I really hope we don't die because I really enjoy hanging out with you all."

I allowed myself to smile as I nodded in mutual agreement. "Me too, M-Bomb. Me too..."

"THERE THEY ARE! FREEZE!"

Suddenly, the path we'd been traveling on exploded with armored guards emerging from both the woods around us and the trail ahead of us. I didn't get much of a chance to do a proper headcount, but a rough estimate got me to figure that not only were there around a hundred or so soldiers, but that we were also royally screwed if Dark's plan didn't work. They'd easily outnumber us and the bots I still had left, and only half of them were even fully dedicated combat models to begin with!

I slowly raised my hands up in the air, a movement which was soon copied by my bots and the girls. Including Megumin, who forgot she was piggybacking off of Aqua's back. After picking herself up and brushing off the snow, the Crimson Demon kept her arms raised, her upset stomach seemingly forgotten at this point.

As armed guards surrounded us on all sides, a deliberate opening was made right in front of us as Sena slowly approached us alongside a swanky looking carriage leading a line of smaller, less swanky carriages. She smirked smugly at me.

"Well, well, well. Mr. Spicer himself, and his entire party no less!" She greeted with a far too jovial tune, making me sneer slightly as she came closer. "You are a very difficult man to find. Not difficult enough, apparently, but you did have a good run."

"For your information, toots, I choose to reveal myself today. Because it just so happens that I have irrefutable evidence that proves I'm not a terrorist working with the Devil King! So THERE! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

With a dramatic flourish, I whipped out the still taped remains of Vanir's mask and held it out in front of me, wearing a confident smirk in the process. Honestly, I wasn't expecting Sena to look nearly as surprised as she did, but damn if it didn't make me feel better about myself!

"That…looks like the mask of Vanir; one of the Devil King's finest!" the royal prosecutor half-shouted, stirring up murmurs of all kinds amongst the guardsmen. "And…I'm sorry, but is that tape I see holding it together?"

I lowered the mask uncertainly and shrugged. "Well, yeah, I mean…I left my hot glue gun at home. Had to make do with what I had. I wasn't gonna leave a trophy like that broken."

"W-well, uh, this...certainly wasn't what I was expecting. I wasn't expecting much of anything, truthfully," Sena remarked, momentarily flustered before eventually restoring her stoic attitude. "Regardless, there's still a matter that needs to be discussed. Though I really shouldn't be the one to make that argument."

The prosecutor stepped to the wayside of the fancy carriage. "Your Highness? If you are ready?"

Stepping out of the curtains on the carriage, two blonde women emerged. One was rather timid-looking and wore a striped, blue dress while the other one looked no-nonsense and wore a sharp white suit. The two ladies carried themselves with a sense of rehearsed professionalism as a twelve-year-old blonde girl in a flowing white dress with a headband that had grapes of all things attached to it hoped out of the ride. For a while, I stood there blankly, not really sure what to make of the scene before me.

"…So, uh, where's the princess?" I asked out loud, totally lost. "She behind the kid with the fruit in her hair?"

Almost immediately, I received a firm smack to the back of my head, prompting a sputter of shock to escape my lips before I whipped my head around and caught Darkness' gaze. I was left surprised with just how irritated she looked at me. What'd I do to deserve that?!

"OW! What the hell, Dark!?" I whined in pain as I rubbed the back of my cranium. "I thought we were friends now!"

"We are friends, Jack, but when you act a fool, I will treat you as such!" Darkness retorted hastily, before dropping to one knee and motioning for us to follow suit. Aqua, Megumin, and I all looked at each other in utter bewilderment before a short groan left the crusader as she explained. "This is Princess Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris. Now have some respect and bow."

"Okay, okay! Don't get your chainmail panties in a bunch or whatever girl knights wear," I grumbled, taking a knee and doing as Darkness instructed. "There, I'm bowing now. Happy?"

The silent but irate glare my crusader friend shot my way clued me in that, in all likelihood, she was very much not happy. In fact, for the first time possibly ever, I did consider that Darkness may actually put her sword to use for once and take me the fuck out.

"…I'll be quiet now, ma'am…"

"That's quite enough of that, all of you," The young girl spoke up, the slightest hint of amusement to her composed tone as she regarded us with surprisingly wise eyes for someone her age. "While the formalities are appreciated, no one is forced to bow to me. It's a sentiment that I prefer to be earned the right way."

"Really? Oh, well, in that case- -"

I was about to stand back up, but the strong, firm, and slightly painful grip Darkness had on the top of my head forced me back down into the snow, making me reassess my previous statement.

"On second thought, I don't mind bowing…"

"Your Highness, I apologize for the indiscretions of both myself and my…party mates," Darkness stated calmly, keeping her tone even and strong despite it wavering a little at the end there. "I realize that you have searched for us for a reason, but I ask you for a chance to explain ourselves properly, ma'am."

"But of course. After all the Dustiness family has done in service of the kingdom, it's only fair that their next of kin be allowed to have a say in the matter," The princess said with what looked to be a warm smile, nodding her head calmly at Darkness. "So tell me, what has 'big sis' been up to since I've last seen her, hmm?"

I gawked at the crusader next to me and just couldn't stop myself. "BIG SIS!?"

"N-not blood related, I assure you! We just grew up together. We're close…" Darkness muttered in my direction, still giving me a mild stink eye before she turned to the princess and provided her undivided attention. "W-well, I'm sure you've gathered that I finally managed to find myself a party, and some proper friends at that, Your Highness. However, we've become ensnared in a grievous misunderstanding, as you can guess given...well, everything that's occurred over the last few days."

The princess nodded slowly in agreement, the light in her eyes dimming somewhat and her smile turning into a tight-lipped frown. "Yes, well, what happened at the capital certainly wasn't pretty. It could've been a lot worse, though; we should thank Eris above for how lucky we are that nobody died in the resulting explosion. Still, many officials have been hospitalized and it'll be a long, slow recovery for most…"

For once, I elected to keep my mouth shut and let Darkness to take the wheel. Whatever her relation was to this princess, she had more tact than I when it came to matters as serious as this. Sure enough, our crusader continued on steadfast, a determined light in her blue eyes.

"I understand, and my sincerest condolences go out to all those injured in the accident. I wish them all the fastest of recoveries," Darkness replied earnestly, her tone softening with that last part. "However, I swear to you on the crest of my family that the event that transpired in the capital was nothing more than an unfortunate accident. My team leader never intended for anyone to get hurt, lest of all your subjects."

"Y-yeah, I was never trying to get anyone killed," I suddenly felt the urge to add, reaching into my pocket for my Adventurer's Card with my free hand.

Of course, even though concealed firearms hadn't been invented by this world, the guards around me were quick to aim their spears at me just in case I had something weapon-related in there.

"…I'm just getting my ID out, folks. I want to show the princess something I think might help clear things up. You mind?"

"I'll allow it. Stand down, all of you," Iris ordered simply, glancing around at the surrounding guard as they slowly backed off. With enough breathing room, I handed my card over to her as she extended her hand to grab it. She flipped it over and almost instantly her eyebrows rose dramatically as she released a low whistle.

"Oh...my goodness. That's...well, that's positively atrocious."

Her reaction was enough to spike her two bodyguards' interest as the blonde women both leaned in to take a look. The one in the striped dress put a hand to her mouth as her eyes widened while the one in the white dress visibly winced at what she saw and muttered, "I had no idea know a stat could be in the negatives…"

"Look, I don't know if I did something to spite Eris in another life or what, but...that's what I'm working with here," I huffed, feeling significantly less tense given the mutual understanding that my luck was trash. "As you can see, my luck stat is infinitely less than stellar. I never meant for anyone to get hurt when the core of the Destroyer was teleported away, I just...I had bad luck, okay!?"

"Calling it 'bad' would be the understatement of the century…" Iris mumbled out loud to herself before realizing I was within earshot. "Uh, I-I'm sorry! That comment was unbecoming of me. Even so, you may very well be the first adventurer in Belzerg's recorded history to ever have a stat this low. And…well, I don't really know what else to say except…at least your intelligence stat makes up for it?"

I held back a noise of whiny dissatisfaction that was bubbling up in my throat as I showed her Vanir's stupid mask. "Yeah, well, we also killed another one of the Devil King's generals while we were at it. So, if I truly was one of his agents, I'd be outta the job right now, wouldn't I?"

"You truly...if I may?" Iris prompted, trading back my card for the taped, scuffed remains of the dead demon's mask, giving it a once over in utter disbelief. "Unbelievable...you actually did it. H-how did you manage to defeat one of the Devil King's strongest generals?"

I blinked, looked up slightly, and stuck out a finger for each step of the process. "Well, let's see here…I threw some of my robots at him…then I tried running him over with a flying limo…and then Aqua flung the butt of her staff at his mask and killed him. And, uh, yeah, I think that just about covers the gist of it."

"...I'm going to be frank with you, Mr. Spicer. I don't know what half of that meant," Iris admitted, her eyebrows furrowed in a weird way before she shook her head lightly, regaining her composure. "Regardless, you have my thanks for taking down this dangerous and most powerful creature."

"And lame," I added. "Don't forget lame. He may have been powerful, but believe me when I say the guy was a total loser at his core. And that's coming from me...wait."

Iris' blinked, her expression a brief storm of emotions. Bewilderment? Amusement? I'm pretty sure I detected a hint of pity in there, I'm at least good at identifying that look.

Anyway, she sighed, returned the mask to me, and took a step back along with her personal bodyguards. After doing so, she spoke once more, seemingly addressing my entire party this time.

"Mr. Spicer, I understand the complexity of your situation, and I am pleased to declare that you are not going to be held entirely at fault for the incident that occurred in the capital," She announced, honestly surprising the living daylights outta me. Even with Dark's couching and Vanir's mask, I couldn't comprehend what made her change her mind like that...

And, as it turns out, I wouldn't have to wait very long for an explanation.

"Many of your fellow adventurers insisted that you were no terrorist, but the testimony of one above all others is what truly made me reconsider."

"Somebody important vouched for me?" I questioned, genuinely curious since I was considered somewhat of a controversial figure back home. "Who?"

Iris opened her mouth to answer, but before she could get a word out, I caught a flicker of movement from within the carriage...and a distinct flash of green.

Immediately, my heart sank, and I barely restrained the mortified and angry groan that threatened to escape me as Satou walked over, a bright, practically smug smile on his stupid, dumb face.

"Uh, forgive me, Your Highness," I started as cordially as I could muster, boring holes in the Japanese teen before me. "But what is the kid who has all the characteristics of a green bean doing riding in your carriage?"

"Hmm? Oh, you mean Kazuma!" The princess chuckled, nodding to Satou as he approached and offering him a warm smile. "Yes, this delightfully charming young man was by far the most vocal defender of you and your party mates! He insisted that you would never hurt anyone or act with malice! In fact, if I recall correctly, I believe his exact words were, 'harmless goofball' or something of the like."

I think I was going to pop a blood vessel at that moment. My right eye involuntarily twitched on its own accord, and I could feel an angry vein begin to pulsate on my forehead. I spoke through clenched teeth.

"OH…he did, now DID HE?"

"Indeed! He insisted you were all an eccentric but pleasant lot, one of the finest teams he's ever had the pleasure of serving with!" Iris continued, blissfully unaware of my rising blood pressure, unlike Satou, who's smile did start to falter as he noticed the fury in my eyes. "I believe at one point or another, he described you as 'good intentions personified'! I found that one to be particularly sweet."

I actually choked on my spit at that part, the wind knocked right out of me. "Good intentions personified"? That smug bastard just crossed a line he never should've crossed…and I was about to let him know it.

Just as I raised my finger up in the air and drew in a deep breath, however, my mouth was suddenly clamped over by Darkness, Megumin, and Aqua's hands in that order, muffling my blood curdling screams of protest in the process.

"O-Oh! How very kind! I hardly believe we are worthy of such high praise!" Darkness replied with a stained smile as she and the others attempted to quell my thrashing. In a desperate act to get closer to freedom, I chomped down on the lower most hand holding my mouth hostage. There was a beat of silence, and I realized that I wasn't sure who I just bit...until I glanced up and realized just how red Dark's face had gotten.

Uh-oh.

Despite the crusader's iron will, she apparently couldn't help herself when she accidently let slip a short but throaty moan before cutting it abruptly by clamping her free hand to her own mouth. Her face was burning and her eyes were wide like dinner plates. Meanwhile, I was under a similar condition myself and immediately pursed my lips once I realized my mistake. If there was ever a silver lining in all this, at least my hormones temporarily snuffed out my blinding rage…for now, anyway.

"...yeah, they can be a little weird sometimes," Satou chimed in, scratching his cheek with an awkward smile as he addressed the utterly bewildered princess beside him. "But they mean well, all of them. As you can see, Jack can just get a little...twitchy when praised."

In spite of the hormones, I whined miserably like a dying puppy as tears began to well up in my eyes. Now that prick was just adding salt to the wound! That's a kind of evil act that's only fun when I'm the one doing it!

"Uh, s-see? Tears of joy! He really doesn't get half the praise he deserves!" Satou continued confidently, his smile returning with renewed vigor as he lied through his teeth. To my utter shock and horror, the princess and her attendees actually looked relatively convinced by him! "The guy's just been through so much lately. It's really a shame."

Miraculously, I stopped crying for once as I felt my energy was spent in the span of under a minute. With enough clarity, I recognized now that me screaming about my evilness till the cows came home would blow my only cover. At the same time, however, my reputation back on the home front was tarnished thanks to some rando Earthling who came here in an ugly tracksuit! I know that once I assert myself as the new Devil King it won't matter, but still, I worked hard to keep my evil street cred! So to have it all undone in order to save my bacon was incredibly disheartening…

"Well, as...eccentric as Mr. Spicer and his party can be, I'm afraid we're not quite done yet," Iris replied, fixing me with a far more serious look than before. "Unfortunately, while I did say that you were not entirely liable for the destruction of my capital, the burden of responsibility still has to be shared. As such, I'm afraid you are still required for a serious reprimand."

At this point, the girls' hands over my mouth went slack, allowing me to gently lower them as I attempted to speak a little more calmly. "But…but I wasn't even the one who proposed the idea of teleporting the core in the first place. That was Wiz using her own spell. Doesn't she get corporal punishment too?"

"She's received her penance as well. She was punished with a hearty fine, more than fair given her participation in this particular event," Iris assured me, keeping her stoic expression and tone as she shot me an almost apologetic look. "You are required to fulfil your share of the blame, and as such, you are hereby banned from the capital city. If you attempt to enter at any point in the future, you will promptly be executed."

I did pale slightly at that execution bit (which was saying something given my natural complexion). Regardless, I crossed my arms and looked away, grumbling moodily. "Fine. I didn't even wanna go there anyway…"

I kinda did, though.

"Furthermore, any and all quest rewards you earn at any of Belzerg's adventuring guilds will be automatically deducted to pay for the damages incurred in this incident," Iris stated plainly, eyes narrowing dangerously from my grumbling. "If you have any questions, Mr. Spicer, now would be the time to ask them."

Yeah, I had a few. But before I could voice them, I was bombarded by Aqua, Megumin, Darkness, and even Satou giving me Chase Young levels of "shut the fuck up" looks. Needless to say, it was enough to make me deflate and hold my tongue.

"I'm good…" I nearly whispered.

"Wonderful. That concludes our impromptu meeting then," Iris replied, her intensity ramping back down slightly with a quiet sigh as she gestured to one of the lesser carriages behind her main one. "This carriage will take you all back to Axel. It's been an...experience, meeting you all. Farewell for now!"

With that, the girls and I were quickly ushered over to the lesser carriage alongside Satou, cramming us all inside while the bots drifted behind. After a few seconds, we got under way, and found ourselves headed back to the city with a smirking dumbass sitting across from us.

"Well, that could've gone a lot worse," Satou admitted with a quiet chuckle, glancing at me and the girls with a far too amused look. "So, how was self-imposed exile, guys? Learn any life lessons?"

Of course, Megumin was the first to tell the tale of our crazy misadventure, pulling out some of her Crimson Demon stops to give the story a touch more flair. Aqua and Darkness added their own comments in between the kid's dramatic pauses, being more than pleasant with the self-righteous douche. I simply resigned myself to glaring daggers his way throughout the whole story, as a passive-aggressive means of letting him know he just made a soon-to-be powerful enemy today.

"Damn. I was mostly kidding about the life lessons thing, but you guys actually managed to become proper friends and kill a Demon General together? If that's not friendship, I dunno what is," Satou replied as they wound up the tale, before sending me a cheeky, almost expectant look. "Speaking of which, awful quiet over there, Goggles. You're not really that mad about me giving you praise, are you? I've been told positive reassurance is good for the soul."

I spoke my next words evenly and calmly. "Y'know, should I ever find a way back to Earth…I think I'm gonna turn Japan into a modern-day Atlantis, if you catch my drift…"

Satou's eyebrows arched sharply at that, and he sent me a look I could only describe as passively disturbed. "Wow…okay. Aside from how massively petty that is, considering I don't even live there anymore, are you seriously that upset? I kinda saved your ass, a half-hearted thank you would be nice."

"Thank you!?" I practically shouted, barely noticing a startled Aqua jump beside me. "You dragged the evil name of Jack Spicer through the mud! Do you have any idea how many candies I need to steal from babies just to get my notoriety back!?"

"Oh for the love of Eris – I thought you were talking him through this!" Satou grumbled to Aqua before turning to face me properly, shooting a disapproving look. "Listen, Spicer, I'm sure you can get your 'evil cred' back easily enough, but I actually gotta warn you out of moral protest that it's a bad idea! Reps from the capital are gonna stick around a while to make sure no more funny business goes on, and as irritating as you are, I like you enough to urge you not to be a dipshit and make them mad again!"

"Oh, I'll make sure to lay low until the fuzz dies down," I argued soundly, crossing my arms and leaning back in my seat while shooting Greenie and annoyed look. "But as soon as they're gone, I'm back in the conquering game, baby. And when me and my friends eventually take over this medieval rock, you better believe I have plans for you in mind. Tell me, how does 'Jack Spicer's Personal Monkey Butler' sound to you, hmm~?"

"Wow. You know what? Fuck you, Jack," Satou scoffed, leaning back and crossing his arms with a particularly livid gaze. Seems like I finally managed to strike a nerve. "I get not wanting to thank me, but if you're just gonna be a petty prick after what I just did? Fine. That's your choice. Just don't expect any more favors or olive branches like this in the future, asshole."

"So? I don't need you, I got them!" I stated pridefully as I jabbed a thumb over at my new (and first) friends. "And the bots too! Ay, yo, where my homeboys at!"

On cue, one of the JackBots stuck his head in through the curtains of the carriage, responding by doing the age-old classic "WHASSUP!" internet meme, of which I gladly returned the favor, triggering a domino effect of more bots sticking their heads in to join in on the fun.

Satou fixed me and my bots with a far more passive glare before scoffing and turning to the window, preferring to watch the world go by. His loss, my bot-boys were better than he'd ever be, and funnier too!

Eventually, the driver got us to the front gates of Axel Town, after which he rudely told us to shove off. I was just glad to be back home, so I let it slide for the time being. Satou thankfully went his separate way, probably going home to check up on his little 'girlfriend' or something stupid like that. I led the bots and girls all back to Spicer Mansion II, partially out of relief to get back indoors and partially out of a dull sense of dread. If what Dark said was true about Sena and her goons confiscating everything that wasn't nailed down, then I prayed to my genius that they didn't know how to work the keypad to my secret lair.

Luckily, when we got home, I checked that right away, and everything was still secure! Apparently, 42069 was a goddamn winner, especially since it got a chuckle from Aqua once she noticed it. Unfortunately, most of our other stuff was indeed gone.

I sighed once I collapsed in my computer chair, "Well, all our furniture may be gone along with the remains of the Destroyer and JackMech, but at least we still got the lab. Oh, and Keele's booty on top of that! By the way, Aqua, whatever you do, please do not spend it all on alcohol. Now that all our quest money is going to be deducted from here on out, we're gonna need that to survive."

"Ugh, fine! I'll cut back on my bubbly spending," The blue-haired goddess huffed, leaning against a nearby table with Darkness and Megumin close by. "I'm just glad to be back in the mansion. Although I wish they left some of the important stuff, like our beds…and blankets…and my emergency bubbly..."

"I think I might have some spare blankets and a loose mattress lying around here somewhere," I commented idly as I glanced around the lair. "You three can crash down here with me until we get new beds. Oh, uh…y-you ladies can share the mattress amongst yourselves. I'll just sleep at my desk like usual; gotta a lotta work ahead of me anyway."

"That's...almost chivalrous, Jack. I commend you," Darkness replied with a small smile, though it was a bit weaker than normal as she stifled a yawn. "Well, I suppose an early rest could do us all some good, now that we're back home. Perhaps we should begin to wind down?"

"Ummm…" started a certain arch wizard, who was digging her foot into the ground and glancing away in a randomly shy manner. "Actually, it's been a full day since I got to cast Explosion magic and…a-and the curse that forces me to cast it daily is threatening to consume me as we speak! Yes, that's it, oh, the will of the curse is pushing my body to its very limit! So, uh, if somebody could accompany me later…?"

"That 'curse' is a sham, and I will always hold it against you," Aqua grumbled pointedly, before turning back to me and quirking an eyebrow. "Think you can just...send out some of the bots with her or something? I don't think any of us have the energy to deal with magic right now."

I glanced over at some of the bots. It seemed most of them had given Megumin quite a bit of space (especially JB-B3NNY) and were shaking a little in fear. Something told me word spread of what happened when the munchkin was high off of sugar this morning.

"Eh, I'll just tag along with her myself," I said with a complacent shrug. "I've still got a lotta energy to burn and I could go for popping one off with my chum. I like to spoil my hypothetical friends/co-rulers, so from here on out, consider yourselves pampered…provided that you don't do something to annoy me of course. Eye for an eye and all that."

"...you worry me sometimes, Jack," Aqua deadpanned, before shaking her head and stretching. "Knock yourself out, ya weirdo. Dark and I are gonna get some shut-eye."

I frowned slightly but nodded all the same. It was going to take time, patience, and a little bit of elbow grease to get these ladies to open up to being evil alongside me. But if they're willing to put the work into being my first ever friends, then it was only natural that I put the same amount of work into corrupting them in return. Again, it's the least I could do for them after they promised they wouldn't abandon me like everyone else before. These girls, they…fuck, this sounds cheesy as hell, but they mean a lot to me, alright? I want what we have to last as long as possible.

And what better way to do that than by taking over the world together? Not just as a team, but as evil friends in arms!


Leave it to Jack to find a way to be ungrateful from being spared the DEATH SENTENCE. Then again, when he's evil credibility is on the line, that might as well be a fate worse than death in his eyes.

Now just for the record, just because things have been reverted back to the status quo (sorta), this doesn't mean I'm going to revert back to canon. At this point, I feel things have changed too drastically for that to happen and I intend to explore the lasting effects as a result. As such, I will probably take an indeterminate hiatus to plot out the next batch of chapters before I go any further. There's going to be a lot to cover in the follow-up chapters and there are still things for the long-run I still need to sort out for this story.

Also, I hope my explanation for Jack getting his name cleared was reasonable enough for most. Konosuba's never been a story that takes itself seriously or make a whole lotta sense, but I still felt I should at least try to make it sound not so contrived. Kazuma and the princess do bond fairly quickly in the LN, so that element kinda got carried over to here with him charming Iris into making her revaluate the situation with Jack (and for getting a free carriage ride with her). On the subject of light novels, I plan to start reading them now to hopefully get some inspiration and whatnot. Some parts of it will certainly NOT make it in though, especially in regards to certain...character developments. If you know, then you know.

With that said, I have been 0ne Swood Guy, my friend Megapanda25 is based, and you have all been a wonderful audience. See you when I come back!