WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH.
Peeking over the rocky ledge, my evil posse and I spied on a lone white rabbit with a single horn protruding out of its head. If that wasn't the so-called "Unicorn Bunny" we were supposed to be hunting, I was going to write a strongly-worded letter to whoever named this world's fauna.
"Y'know, I gotta be honest. When I first saw this bounty on the quest board, I was a little skeptical," I mused quietly, passing my teammates an unamused look as I continued. "Now that we're here, I am glad to say that I was one hundred percent correct. Either this mission is the worst joke in the world or we're about to get our throats torn out. Monty Python hasn't failed me yet."
"Well, as someone who's seen that flick before, I can confirm that it's the latter," said Aqua, my newfound movie buddy. "Unicorn Bunnies may look cute but they're notorious for their bloodthirsty nature. And I'm not going to lie…I'm a little bit scared."
"Hmm...alright, alright. No reason for any of us to lose our heads just yet," I replied, a small smirk rising on my face as I turned to face our party's demolitions expert. "Looks like it's your favorite time of the day, M-Bomb. Care to step up to the plate and do what you do best?"
Surprisingly, Megumin didn't jump the gun to unleash a bombastic Explosion like I thought she would. Instead, she clung her staff close to her body and was looking anywhere else but me.
"Does this mean I have to forgo with the loud, impressive pre-Explosion chant…?" she asked like the child she was. Not this again. I was getting flashbacks to when we first had this conversation during the Manticore/Griffin kill quest.
"Unless you'd like to have your insides become your outsides, then yes, omit the chant for once please," I said with a flat face.
Megumin whined at my response, but ultimately nodded and peaked up over the ledge and raised her staff. After a few moments, the usual magic swirl and flashes started up, and while the girls and I backed up, Megumin silently primed her spell with a small, pouty grimace on her face. She really was a child, in every sense of the word.
"Explosion."
While the singular word was unbelievably deadpan, the thunderous roar and surge of magic that followed were anything but underwhelming, shooting down out of sight before filling the air, making the entire area shake violently in the aftermath, nearly throwing the rest of us off our feet.
Once the dust literally settled and Megumin fell to the ground right on schedule, we checked out the blast zone. No Unicorn Bunny to be seen. Just a large, charred crater in its place. I glanced down at the immobilized girl before me and smiled proudly.
"Well, my evil apprentice, looks like I owe you one diabolical monologue for your next chant," I promised, for once not crossing my fingers behind my back when I did. "I may not be a wordsmith, but I do know a thing or two about writing sinister dialogue."
"Darn right you owe me," Megumin confirmed, before lifting her head enough to glance up at me, a small frown still resting on her face. "It's just not the same without the chant! All the fun's sucked out of it...it bums me out."
"I know, I know," I reassured with a small, understanding nod. "It does lose a little of the pizzazz, doesn't it? But hey, at least it got the job done!"
As if some comic entity high above was waiting for that very moment to screw me over, a distant rumble caught my attention, prompting me to peek over the ledge at the smoldering crater that was supposed to be the end of the killer bunny we'd been sent to take care of...and spot a small hoard of white blurs escaping from the ashy burrow they'd been hiding in.
"Oh fuckbunnies..." I murmured fearfully. "Literal FUCKBUNNIES!"
"Fear not, my friends! I shall draw their attention!" Darkness cheered as she drew her sword, a little too excited given the situation, though I suppose she didn't know how dangerous they could be either. Still, it wasn't unlikely that she also just didn't mind the danger she was in. "Allow me to make quick work of these foul creatures!"
The crusader with a one-track mind slid down the slope we were hiding above and activated her Decoy skill. Y'know, the skill that makes it so nearby enemies home in on the user? Yeah, that one.
Two seconds later, all the angry Unicorn Bunnies ganged up one the woman, their ravenous…uh, "bunny sounds" thankfully drowning out most of the older woman's erotic cries as she wildly swung her blade and failed to land even a single hit.
Why, Darkness? Just why sometimes?
"Okay, there's only so much that knucklehead can do on her own. Aqua, let's go down there and- -" I cut myself off when I turned my head beside me and found no water goddess. "Where'd she go!?"
A distinct, painfully familiar shriek clued me in on Aqua's whereabouts not a second later. I turned around and spotted her running like hell down the path we'd taken to get up to the perch, a sizable swarm of undead monsters trailing behind her as she swung her arms like a maniac. Must've woken them up from their dirt naps from the woods nearby…again.
"Oh for crying out loud…" I cupped my hands and yelled out to her, "TURN OFF YOUR DIVINE AURA! IT'S DRAWING UNWANTED GUESTS!"
"THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! NOW STOP YELLING AND HALP!" Aqua bawled as she continued to run away from the shambling creatures of darkness (not to be confused with the person currently getting the snot kicked out of her by bunny rabbits). Huffing, I tapped away at my wrist communicator and dispatched four JackBots to go help the demigod. Or at least get her shrieking on video.
I was just about to call for backup myself but I paused before I could ring up Sigma Squad. In all honesty…I should probably be focusing on getting experience points for myself. As much as I hated to admit it, Megumin was kinda right: letting my robots kill all my enemies for me results in wasted XP. All that time spent post-Destroyer? Yeah, I have nothing to show for it in terms of stat increases or level-ups. I was still at measly Level 14, and at this rate I would never meet the Level requirement to switch over to the Battlesmith class like I wanted.
I took a hesitant glance back down at my crusader friend, still on cloud nine and still missing the targets that surrounded her. Well…at least she'd be making the grinding experience easier for me I guess.
"Alright, I'm going down there myself," I huffed as I drew my short sword. "Megumin, hold the fort while I'm gone."
"Kay..." Megumin grumbled, obviously not in any position to refuse.
I slid down the nearby slope down to Darkness' level, gripping my short sword and swallowing thickly. Evil or not, I didn't feel fantastic killing a small horde of fluffy bunnies, even if they were murderous and bloodthirsty. Still, what had to be done had to be done, and I wasn't going to get XP any other way.
Well, there was always eating more monster meat and spamming my Skills, but those methods take forever. If I wanted to make fast, reliable progress, I was going to have to get my blade a little dirty…
I grimaced as I stabbed the last rabbit gnawing on Darkness, making a conscious effort not to look down at the pile of dead, no-longer white animals. To distract myself from the rising feeling of bile in the back of my throat, I glared at the woman before me who, despite having been scratched to hell and back, didn't look worse for wear.
"You couldn't hit the ocean with a beach ball if it had a laser guidance system attached to it…"
Predictably, she flinched at my sardonic words and hugged herself in shameful ecstasy. "W-why must you be so deliciously cruel to me?"
"I'm not being delicious, I'm being honest!" I snapped, too annoyed to get flustered over her usual mannerisms today. "I know you have a bad aim and everything but they were practically on you like flies to garbage, Darkness! Were you even trying to hit them back there!? Or did you just get too 'caught up in the moment'?"
"I-I am sorry, Jack, truly, I am! But I'm afraid it is simply out of my hands," Darkness replied, still flushed a bright shade of red and avoiding looking me in the eye as she sheathed her sword and pulled out her adventuring card, awkwardly thrusting it in my direction. "Here, I-I trust you can glean a proper answer from this..."
Truth be told, I was the only one of the group who never bothered to get a good look at Dark's stats and skills when she first joined. Aqua and Megumin seemed impressed upon first glance, so I took their word for it at the time. Clearly a mistake on my part, given the knight's track record for hitting stuff with her sword. I swiped the card from her and gave it a looksie.
As expected, most of her baseline stats were above average, save for her defense which was unsurprisingly god-tier like my intelligence. Aside from her Decoy and Passive Health Regen (take a wild guess on what that one does), all of the other Skills she'd chosen were simply things to further enhance her physical and magical resistance.
Actually, no, I'm mistaken. There was still one more non-defensive Skill she had listed: Two-Handed Sword. It was the only offensive ability in her arsenal as far as I could tell. But if she already knows how to handle a big sword, how can she still be missing this badly…?
Two-Handed Sword: Allows the user to carry a two-handed sword or other heavy weapons.
Proficiency Level: 1
…oh.
"Darkness…?" I hissed through my teeth, refusing to tear my gaze off the card. If I so much as looked at the idiot right now, I think I might blow my top. "Care to explain why you've only invested one, singular point into your only fighting Skill while everything else is in the HUNDREDS by now…!?"
"As a crusader, it is my sacred duty to protect those who cannot protect themselves!" Darkness defended, some of her usual spirit returning like it usually did whenever such topics came up. She was seriously committed to that stance, apparently. "Naturally, I put whatever points I received from leveling up into my defensive stats to achieve this goal easier."
Either this girl was fed a hearty helping of monster remains as a kid or she's abused Decoy and Passive Health Regen WAY more than I thought. Because there ain't no way she leveled up by actually killing something herself.
"Okay…but why skip out on your only method of attack?" I questioned in utter disbelief. "Wouldn't reliably fending off enemies make your job of protecting people a little goddamn easier? Like, I know I'm a bad guy and I shouldn't really care what you good guys do, but that's kind of a no-brainer!"
"A-ah. Well...as I stated previously, I was under the impression that the best way to defend others was with a sufficient defense, and, as such, I improved those stats exclusively..."
Darkness practically repeated herself like a freaking wind-up toy, though she did noticeably sound a lot less confident in her answer. As such, I crossed my arms and sized her up, my own theory brewing away, one that I was planning to be quite vocal about.
"You wanna know what I think, Dark? I think you have an ulterior motive for why you choose not to invest points into your only sword skill," I started calmly. "Now try and follow along with me: you're a masochist, right? Don't deny it because it's a rhetorical question either way."
Darkness flushed yet again, but for once didn't respond with a torrent of hasty retorts. Instead, she merely managed a weak, compliant nod, crossing her arms before motioning me to continue. Honestly, I wasn't expecting her to be so willing to hear me out.
"Correct. And as a masochist, you derive pleasure from pain and, more specifically, humiliation, right?"
Darkness released a whine of what could have been dual annoyance and elation over my assessment. As quick as it came, she shook her head and managed a quiet, "Perhaps, yes, your point please?"
"Right, so here's what I propose…" I continued in confidence, doing my best to walk casually around the crusader while not stepping into fresh animal carcasses. "I think the idea of being defeated by virtually anything is something that really tickles your fancy. So what do you do? You purposefully beef up your defense while leaving your attack to the wayside. That way, whenever you're forced to go in for the kill, no matter how hard you try, no matter how badly you want to…you just can't do it. Your sword skill isn't high enough, your best isn't best enough, and you end up with your ass handed to you every time. Bruised and humiliated, just the way you like it…"
To really seal the deal, I leaned slightly into her face with an all-knowing smirk. Her eyes were wide, her face was on fire, and she was sweating bullets. I had her number.
"And while that can be really inconvenient for me sometimes…credit where it's due, that's a pretty selfish motivation you got there; I'm kinda proud. It warms my greedy black heart knowing you have just that little spark of evil in you after all~!"
"T-that is not a fair assessment in the slightest – how DARE you!" Darkness squawked, the wall of tension that had been building up over the past minute finally shattering in a hilarious display as the woman suddenly flailed her arms. "I-I will concede that my t-tendencies may have affected my decision-making somewhat, but to say that it is birthed from a place of evil just isn't fair! I live and serve to protect others, I would never purposefully put them at risk!"
"Oh, don't try to hide it now~" I offered, playfully nudging her side with my elbow. "Your main motivation is selfish, and everyone knows that selfishness is the cornerstone of evil. Ergo, you are evil, and that's good! No, wait, I mean that's bad. Like, good-bad, remember? Or was it bad-good again…?"
"No, NO! I refuse to be roped into your confusing world of morals!" Darkness hotly retorted, jabbing a finger at me with an expression I imagine would be fairly frightening if the poor girl wasn't red enough to give Megumin's hat a run for its money. "I am good. Just good! I may not be perfect, but I am FAR from what you'd call evil! I do not do what I do out of selfishness...okay, entirely out of selfishness-STOP LAUGHING!"
What started as me trying to contain a snort quickly devolved into a full-blown laughing fit. Just something about seeing a perverted female knight bend over backwards to try and justify her obviously evil actions was too funny! Aside from world domination, it really is the little things in life that keep you going.
"Glad to see you two are having fun at least," An irritated voice chimed in from nearby, prompting us to turn around and face a visibly winded Aqua, who'd apparently elected to drag poor Megumin down to our position while the bots mopped up the remaining undead. "Y'know, there are moments when I really regret being burdened with holy powers. Being chased by a hoard of zombies tends to be included in such moments."
"Guys, perfect timing! You are never going to believe this!" I exclaimed, getting all giddy and hyped up over my latest discovery. "I just found out that Dark has a, dare I say, dark side to her: she has evil goals in mind just like me! Go on, girl, tell 'em all about it!"
"SHUSH, no! Don't say such things!" Darkness fumed, still desperately attempting to deny her true nature, which earned a few more chuckles from me in response. She could deny it all she wanted to, but sooner or later she'd accept the truth. "Uh, Jack seems to think he's made some kind of realization about my c-condition, but he's wrong, thank you very much!"
Megumin, who seemingly was content with being dragged by the cape, looked up at me blankly and sighed. "Okay, I know I'm going to regret asking, but what is this all about? What sort of 'realization' have you come to and why do you believe it makes Darkness evil?"
"Simple, my dearest M-Bomb," I replied, crouching down to her level with a broad smile as I elaborated on my genius sleuthing. "Now, we all recognize Dark's unusual habits and how they may stem from a more than likely selfish place. As such, her decision to put whatever skill points she earns exclusively into defense so she can tank more damage and get more thrills PROVES that she's got a little droplet of evil in her!"
Megumin and Aqua's eyes widened a bit after my explanation. Both girls turned to look at Darkness (who currently had her burning face buried into her hands while muttering, "It's not like that…") before coming back to me with funny faces.
"That's…well, that's a lot of things, really, but I don't think evil is necessarily one of them," Megumin said after a brief pause. "I feel like that's stretching it."
I huffed, "Ugh, you guys never let me have any fun...fine, we'll do it this way then."
Mildly miffed, I turned to Darkness and groaned. "Alright, Dark, here's the deal: you make a solid, logical argument for why you're not evil, and I will drop the subject...for now, anyhow. Hey, that rhymes!"
Peeking out between the cracks of her fingers, Darkness slowly lowered her hands and let out a tired sigh. Though her blush didn't fully go away, I got the sense that she was about to go into "boring-serious-adult-mode" again. She's a lot less fun when she starts acting her age. When I become an evil adult genius, you better believe I ain't letting go of my sense of childlike whimsy. Some of the best fictional villains out there have this constant playful attitude that makes them all the more charming and funny!
"If you insist on making me defend myself, then I shall do what I must," Darkness replied evenly, before clearing her throat in preparation for what I imagined was about to be one heck of a defense. "I understand that my bad habits may have had a minor impact on my choices, especially in regards to point placement for my Skills. However…I do what I do for the good of others, not for my own personal gain. I maxed out my defensive stats specifically with that in mind; to defend those who are unable to defend themselves. As such, I vehemently refute your claim that I operate with evil intentions."
Not impressed. I know there's a hint of bad within her that only needs time, patience, and most importantly acceptance to draw out.
Glancing back at the other two, I was disappointed to see a sniffling Aqua wipe stray tears from her eyes. Seems as though Dark's speech moved her I guess. However, hope was not entirely lost as Megumin still had this unreadable expression on her (unreadable to me anyway). Maybe she saw through the crusader's heroine act like I did!
"Darkness...while I can appreciate your perspective, I think I have to give this one to Jack for once. Just because you want to protect people doesn't justify putting them at risk by not having any offensive abilities," She eventually commented, honestly surprising me with how reasonable her retort actually was. "I know you mean well, and Jack's obviously being a big dummy over the whole evil claim, but you can't act like you're entirely altruistic either. That's just not fair."
While I wanted to make a rude counter-remark over that dummy comment, I found myself mostly content with the turnaround. Evil may not have prevailed exactly the way I wanted, but my apprentice and I blew the doors on that whole altruism crap wide open! There's no room for saints in Jack Spicer's Posse, and I was pleased as punch to find out that bad old Darkness did not qualify for one!
My moment of self-satisfaction was short lived, unfortunately, when I noticed how quiet my crusader friend had become. When I looked over to her, she had her head hung low so I couldn't make out her face. Despite that, I could at least gather that she was probably feeling sad about something…and seeing her sad kinda made me a little sad too, if I'm going to be frank.
"...perhaps you have a point, Megumin. I suppose my current position may seem a tad...self-serving in retrospect," She eventually managed after a few moments, still keeping her head bowed and tone soft. "It appears I have quite a bit to reflect on for the future. Perhaps we should start to head back to Axel, I'm sure the walk will give me plenty of time to think."
With a hum of confirmation, Megumin turned to Aqua and kindly requested she that she carry her on her back and not drag her across the fucking dirt. That snapped the blue-haired ditz out of her trance and she fulfilled the girl's wishes while mumbling an apology. With perfect timing, the four JackBots I dispatched came down to meet us after they got done mopping the floor with those zombies. I then ordered them to carry the dead Unicorn Bunnies for us as there was no way in hell I planned on touching those things, yuck!
With that, we started to depart for the trek back home, but I ended up stopping only a few yards away, patting my belt and sighing. Somehow, I managed to drop my darn sword post-bunny massacre. Asking the others to hold up for a second, I doubled back and found it after only a few moments of searching, grimacing as I knelt down to pick it up. Why did adventuring have to be so gross? Making robots was so much cleaner by comparison, and more fun too- -
"Ow!"
I quickly withdrew my fingers away from the blade, suckling on them to ease the pain a little. Damn static shocks, you never know when they're going…to…strike. Huh.
I took my fingers out of my mouth as I stared deeply into my metal reflection, genius mind churning away with a flash of brilliance.
"I think that just gave me an evil idea…"
Long after we got back to Axel, after turning in our bounty and taking another small chunk out of the large debt we owed the capital, I went straight down into my workshop to start toying with the idea that struck me when I touched my blade. Hopefully, what I had in store would not only prove me right but also help our party become a little more...efficient.
Because let's be real for a moment: while the fact that Darkness was selfish was fantastic progress on the road to corruption, her selfishness was admittedly a handicap to the party's overall success more than anything else. Putting yourself before others is great and all but it kinda becomes counterproductive when it also gimps your own evil team.
She fulfills the role as the party's self-appointed meat shield fine enough, great even, better than anyone could ever ask for (or even know they wanted for that matter)! But if she wasn't so adamant about not learning offensive skills, she'd well and truly become the single-most invincible thing in the world!
And that's why tonight I was planning on making that happen, one way or another.
After running a few painful but necessary trial runs, I finished up my little experiment, practically giddy as I plucked it off the workbench. Admittedly, I was kinda looking forward to this, strange as it may sound. It was oddly cathartic thinking about how I wasn't the only morally dubious person in the party, even if Darkness' sliver of indecency was small by comparison.
Hiding the present(s) behind my back, I made my way upstairs in search of the blonde not-so-good-doer. I tried knocking on her bedroom door first, only to be greeted with silence, letting me know she probably wasn't in there. I roamed the halls for a while, calling out her name like one would do for a dog, but no dice. Was she always this hard to track or what?
My search eventually led me to the living room, where I found Megumin and Aqua in their pjs playing a game of chess on the floor. Heh, Aqua playing chess, that's a good one.
"Hey guys, have either of you seen Dark recently? Got a bit of a gift for her, hehe!"
Megumin and Aqua both paused and glanced up at me, momentary confusion passing on both their faces before they seemed to respectively decide it wasn't worth their time and shrugged, with the latter ultimately giving me an answer along with a point down the adjoining hall.
"Dojo."
I blinked for a second. "I'm sorry, do you mean like a little green dragon or a place where you go to train?"
"The training place, Jack. You seriously didn't know we had one?" Megumin questioned in brief surprise, before shaking her head and returning to the game, which...still looked to be at a standstill. "Down the hall, hard left and then right. It's in the center of the hall, big doors. Can't miss it."
With a drawn out noise of confirmation, I awkwardly showed myself out and took the mage's directions. I was seriously going to have to ask the GuardBots later if they also knew we had a dojo. If they did, then…wow. No wonder people used to break into Spicer Mansion I all the time. I'm unobservant as fuck.
Following Megumin's loose directions, I did end up finding the room fairly easily. However, the process was assisted by the fact that I could hear Darkness training away inside, her shouts and grunts of...w-well, training, ringing out loud and clear as I stood outside, weighing my options as I clutched my latest experiment.
For whatever reason that I couldn't quite put into words, I elected to lean out behind the entrance and take a peek. Don't ask me why because I don't have an answer.
Activating Lurk for extra security, I peered inside and, sure enough, we had a dojo alright. Along with a Darkness doing an intense round of sit-ups…with no armor on…leaving her in nothing but her skin tight black bodysuit and- -
Oh my god…were those the outlines of, of…ABS~!?
I practically threw myself backwards, colliding roughly with the wall behind me as I desperately tried to catch my breath and stunt the near instantaneous blush that had undoubtedly formed on my face.
Abs...were a lot for me to handle, especially when I wasn't prepared to see them. I needed to pull myself together, remember why I was even here!
Slapping myself with one of the "special gloves" I made for my friend (emphasis on the word friend, hormones), I deactivated the Lurk skill and hid the gift(s) behind my back once more. Steeling myself, I walked into the dojo and made my presence known in the most casual manner possible.
"Jack is back and on the attack!"
God, I want to smack myself with the gloves again just for saying that.
Admittedly, I should have expected a bit of surprise given my random visit. That thought mainly occurred to me when Darkness released a shrill noise not too far off from a shriek and hastily leapt to her feet, raising her fists in what I assumed would have been a threatening gesture if an intruder didn't already know of her condition.
"Well that's a fine how-do-you-do," I snarked, partly to distract myself from letting my eyes wander down to her – damnit! "I drop by unannounced and this is the welcome wagon I get?"
"Oh – Jack! You scared the daylights out of me! Some warning would have been greatly appreciated you know!" Darkness huffed in reply, dropping her fists and sparing me a half-hearted glare, crossing her arms and (thankfully) obscuring her other…frontal features. "Pray tell, what exactly brings you here this late? I don't suppose you also feel like training?"
"Me, Jack Spicer? Training? HAHAHA! Yeah right! Next you're going to ask me if I plan to start eating healthy while I'm at it! PFFFT!"
"That is lower on the list of concerns, though not by much," Darkness admitted candidly, raising an eyebrow expectantly as she watched me. "Really, Jack, why have you tracked me down this late? Surely whatever you have to discuss can wait till the morning, or at least when I'm not exercising."
"Oh…uh, well, y'know, seeing as how you are my friend, I thought I would do what friends do and, err…hang out! Yeah!" I supplied in a faux cherry tone, suddenly getting unreasonably nervous about presenting a gift I made specifically for her. Then again, Darkness standing before me in nothing but a bodysuit which really accentuated those toned abs of hers did not make things easy- -
Wait, did she see me noticing them? Oh boy, here come the awkward comments like, "I see you are ogling my body with your beastly eyes~" or something to that effect. I know how this goes by now; I've become like a weather forecaster when it comes to her tendencies.
"Really? You want to…'hang out'...in the dojo?" Darkness questioned with a skeptical expression, fidgeting slightly as she tilted her head away from me. "T-that would be considerably easier to believe if you weren't staring at me so...intensely, Jack..."
"Uh, sorry! I just…h-had no idea you were ripped!" I blurted out, mentally facepalming over my lack of tact when it came to words. "Like, damn, I'd kill for abs like those! Nice, uh, n-nice work on them, Dark! Heh, heh…yeah."
Now, I may not be the best when it comes to deciphering human body language, but my time spent with Darkness left me with picking up on certain cues. Mainly, when she was "embarrassed" and when she was embarrassed-embarrassed. Surprisingly, this was one of those embarrassed-embarrassed moments when she suddenly looked away from me and tried to cover up her abs with her arms.
…wait, really?
"Oh. Well, um…t-thank you, Jack, but it's really not that big of a deal," She murmured quietly, barely managing a glance in my direction as she continued to cover herself. "Truthfully, I'm actually somewhat...ashamed of my physique. It's not terribly ladylike, after all…"
"Ladylike, shmadylike!" I blurted out of protest, not believing what I was hearing. "You have abs, so what? Be proud of them! They're the best things to ever grace the human body! Guys and girls alike have debated whether it's boobs, ass, thighs, or biceps. And while they're all equally valid in their own respect, I say abs trump all and…!"
My eyes quickly shot open once I realized what the hell I was even saying out loud to her. I got so swept up in the moment, I forgot this wasn't the same as debating with a faceless stranger on an internet chatroom. Better course-correct and fast!
"Uh, a-anyway, my main takeaway? Don't be ashamed of them. Like I said, I'd kill for abs like those…"
Darkness continued to fidget, but was now able to steadily meet my gaze. She even managed a small, hopefully thankful smile as she slowly retracted her hands, instead lacing them together as she seemed to gradually compose herself.
"I suppose you make a point, Jack. Perhaps...perhaps I should learn to take a bit more pride in my appearance. I do work quite hard to maintain it, don't I?" She admitted, before taking a long, deep breath and meeting my eyes once more. "Now then, back to the subject at hand, yes? You really tracked me down just to talk?"
"Huh? Oh, that! Uh…kinda?" I admitted lamely, stalling somewhat in order to work myself up to present her…well, present to her. "Actually, before I get into the real meat and potatoes, I gotta ask something myself: why are you up this late exercising? I know I'm not exactly one to talk but at least I have insomnia. What's your excuse for burning the candle at both ends?"
"...I was hoping to brute force my way through my current dilemma," Darkness replied after a beat, seemingly still a bit uncomfortable after the talk from earlier this morning. "Megumin's words struck a chord within me, but...it is so terribly simple to ask someone to change and so very hard to make said change happen, is it not?"
Ah, the sweet smell of selfishness~
Actually, that might be the sweat from her workout. Either way, it reeks of subdued evil, and I love it!
"Hmm…interesting," I commented, sporting a small but genuine smile as I braced myself. "Well, lucky for you, you have a benevolent evil teen genius for a leader. And I have something I think you and I are both gonna like. S-so, uh…HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!"
With that, I presented my latest project: a pair of shoulder-length gloves, black and white in color with familiar yellow accents dancing along the sides, along with a few circular conductors visible on the exterior, giving off the slightest cyan glow. I beamed proudly at my creation, and eagerly awaited Darkness' response.
"Oh. Uh…why thank you, Jack," Darkness replied slowly, making me irrationally upset on the inside. Didn't sound like she was super thrilled about it. "My birthday isn't until April but I appreciate the sentiment all the same. I was actually in need of a new pair of…these are gloves, yes?"
"Ah, ah! Not just normal gloves!" I replied, attempting to regain that spark of excitement that had simmered a bit off her initial reaction. "These babies are gonna help you finally hit something, while still getting your kicks in the process!"
As soon as I handed off the equipment to a hesitant Darkness, I began scouring the room in search of something that could be used as a training dummy. There had to be, like, a broom closet or something Sena and the Royal Guard overlooked when they ransacked our house. As I kept looking, I heard Darkness voice her concerns to me.
"Ah, Jack? I'm not quite sure what you have in mind here, but...well, I'm never quite sure what you have in mind, actually. Forget what I said then, I suppose."
She spoke earnestly as I continued to search, not finding anything particularly valuable until I reached the far end of the dojo, where a remarkably well hidden door popped out at me.
"That's because I like to try and keep things on a need-to-know basis if I can help it," I explained back over to her, hitting the motherlode when I opened the door and found five used training dummies perfect for the job. "AHA! Jackpot, baby! As in Jackpot Spicer, my old nickname back home!"
Well, my old nickname that I specifically coined for myself, but she didn't need to know that. Need-to-know basis, remember? For as naggy and two-faced as she was, Wuya was at least onto something with that way of thinking.
Dragging out the first dummy and setting it up nearby, I turned to Darkness and waved her over, noting that she still had yet to equip the gloves and was simply holding onto them as I addressed her. "Alright, so, as a baseline, I want you to just...try and hit this dummy. No tricks, nothing special. Just...go for it."
While she still looked a little unsure, a small spark of her true greedy nature resurfaced as she panted, "J-Jack! After all that has transpired today, you would have the gall to force me to make a fool of myself for your own sick amusement? H-how shrewd~"
Usually I'd take comments about my character like that in style. But the context in which this one was used here was a bit…much. Probably was going to have to take a cold shower after the test.
"Just grab your sword and swing at the dummy, dummy," I reiterated in a flat tone, focusing on the task at hand to prevent another blush from forming. "It's a stationary target so even you can't whiff this one."
Darkness shakily nodded and heft her weapon, taking a step closer to the dummy before bringing it up and attempting a simple stab with a proud shout...
And promptly missing by a mile, her sword ultimately ending up having not even nicked the damn thing. Somehow.
"Dark…" I uttered incredulously after collecting my dropped jaw. "How was that physically possible!? You – I just – what even…Gloves. On. NOW."
The crusader made a noise dangerously close to an aroused moan following my direct order, but quickly achieved what I'd demanded and equipped the gloves. Admittedly, my ego did improve a bit more once she'd finished as a small but recognizable amount of wonder was present in her eyes as she flexed her fists, seemingly getting a feel for my work.
"Alright, the computational bot embedded in the wrists should have had enough time to register the user and scan the environment," I said mostly to myself but still smirking slightly at the confused look Darkness gave me over my science talk. "Look alive, Stormtrooper, here's what I want you to do next: try hitting the dummy with the fanciest move you know."
Darkness quirked an eyebrow at my nickname, but didn't question me as she assumed a different stance a few feet away from the dummy. Before I knew it, she launched forward with another shout, moving a bit faster out of her armor. She brought down the blade…
And lopped the dummy's head clean off.
I audibly whooped, both from seeing Darkness actually land her mark for once and out of pride knowing my invention was a hit (in every sense of the word). The crusader, meanwhile, was panting heavily. Either overexerted or, more likely, aroused at having her arms suddenly zapped out of nowhere.
After taking a moment to graze her arms curiously, Darkness looked up to me expectantly. I gave a smirk befitting of a mad scientist and proceeded to fill in the blanks for her.
"Like 'em? I know I do! I call 'em Jack Spicer's Evil Electroshock GloveBots! Those glowing conductors you see running along the gloves? Well they're not just for show, they administer controlled shocks in specific areas of your arm muscles right as you're about to miss. There's a computational bot in the wrist compartment that runs constant calculations on the movement, speed, and position of your arms before predicting the optimal result and giving you a…let's say 'push' in the right direction. Genius, no?"
"I would certainly have to agree, yes! I...I actually hit something! Like a proper crusader!" Darkness practically cheered as she turned to me, thrilled and just a little hot-and-bothered. "Jack, this is amazing! I can barely believe it! I just...I don't even know what to say! Thank you!"
"Just looking out for my fellow do-badder," I said smoothly, feeling confident enough to walk right up to her and give her a pat on the shoulder. "With those gloves on, not only can you properly do your job while still getting your jollies, but you also don't have to worry about investing precious skill points into Two-Handed Sword anymore. You can just keep dumping them all into defense and further scratch that selfish itch. Win-win!"
And just like that, Darkness' bright smile faltered and she turned away from me, obscuring her expression. At first I was irritated since I expected this meant she was gonna try and get back up on her stupid moral high horse again.
But then the thought of how upset she'd looked when Megumin called her out earlier today crossed my mind, and I held my tongue. For once, I was going to actually think before I speak. If there was one thing I hated more than my evilness being put into question, it was seeing one of my friends sad.
So, just for her, I was willing to swallow my pride and backpedal a bit.
"Uh, you know, prolonged exposure to the zaps should help you develop muscle memory after a while. So, theoretically, there should come a time when you won't even need the gloves or a high sword skill to kick ass. Plus, it's a gift to you, so you can still keep them to do…'stuff' with on your own time, s-so there's always that I guess, uh…"
Should've put more thought into my words before speaking. When will I get better at this?
Anyway, since I was facing away from her, I couldn't help but jump slightly when I felt a hand connect with my shoulder. Thankfully, when I turned to face Darkness again, the smile on her face was enough to make swallowing my pride worth it. Sure as hell wasn't gonna turn into a habit, though. Gotta rebuild my rep somehow.
"All the same, I greatly appreciate the gift, Jack. Thank you," she said in a soft tone of voice I felt like I could sleep to. "Thank you for not only making me a gift at all, but for being so…patient with me as a whole. I am truly blessed by Eris to have you and the others as my friends. In fact, if I may be so bold, I would even go as far as to consider you all my family. Not in bloodline, of course, but in the way you consider your bots your family. I hope that doesn't come off as presumptuous of me."
"Ah...n-no, not at all…" I managed meekly, honestly surprised by the sentiment. Evil as I may be, it was really nice to know that, at the end of the day, I had friends – family – to come home to. World domination is fun and all, but it'd be awfully lonely without anyone else by your side, wouldn't it? "That's...really sweet of you, Dark. Thanks. I guess you're part of my family too, really."
"Well then, consider me honored!" Darkness cemented, slapping my back and immediately fretting over me when she forgot her own strength. I reassured her I've had worse, which unsurprisingly prompted an envious blush to form on her face. She may have been a weirdo, but she was my weirdo, damnit! Same goes for Aqua and Megumin!
"Right, well, you have fun with your new toy. I'm heading back down to the lab," I declared, stopping at the threshold of the door to cast a sideways glance back at the crusader, suddenly feeling inexplicably nervous again.
"Say…I know it's not my place to ask but…think you could still hook me up with that adamantite stuff later using your connections? I mean, misunderstood rich kids like ourselves gotta stick together, right? And you did kinda promise already, sooo…?"
"Oh, certainly! I should be able to reach out to my contacts the next time we go into town, no problem," Darkness replied eagerly, dispelling my nerves with surprising ease. Still, she did flush a bit as she continued, tilting her head away. "O-of course, being indebted to my party leader does have its advantages, doesn't it?"
I truly didn't know what to say to that, so I parted with a safe, "Yeah, sure, night," and took my leave. Once I was out of her line of sight, I released a breath of built up anxiety and wiped my brow. Jack Spicer, you really know how to treat your partners in crime. Shame none of the other villains back home saw it that way or they would've been less inclined to ditch me every five minutes.
Anywho, as I strolled down the hall, feeling extra chipper in that moment, I stumbled over my own two feet when I noticed none other than Aqua and Megumin leaning by one of the walls, seemingly waiting for me. Their expressions were…unreadable, I couldn't pin down anything too obvious. There was only so much subtlety I could pick up on in people, after all.
"Oh, hey guys. Again," I greeted, opting to play it casually. "Who won the chess tournament? I know who I have my money on, heh."
"Neither of us. Turns out, we were both lying about knowing how to play," Aqua admitted, her expression briefly switching to embarrassment before hardening once more as she threw a thumb over her shoulder towards the dojo. "So...what was that about, exactly?"
I scratched my head in confusion at what she was referring to when it clicked: they must've followed me to the dojo and overheard everything. Oh god, hold on, I have to be absolutely sure about something first!
"Y-you didn't hear the thing about the abs, did you?"
Aqua and Megumin both completely balked at that, sending me matching looks of bewilderment that clued me into the fact that they probably hadn't heard that part. Regardless, I powered on before they had a chance to recompose themselves.
"If you're referring to the gloves, I'm not sure what you're getting at. Feels pretty self-explanatory to me."
"Self-explan - !? Jack, you made gloves that fucking shock Darkness! The hell's the matter with you!?" Megumin cried after initially stumbling over her words. "I get you're the 'evil bad guy' or whatever, but that's just sick!"
"Yeah, I know! The gloves are pretty sick, aren't they?" I said excitedly, only to double back when I noticed how both ladies did not seem to exactly share my enthusiasm. "Uh, when you say sick, you meant it in the cool way, right?"
"NO, Jack! We meant it distinctly in the UNCOOL way!" Aqua retorted, wildly gesturing in the direction of the dojo while staring at me with a particularly judgmental look. "You can't just shock Darkness into fighting correctly! It's, like, the pinnacle of unethical!"
Unethical? I won't deny that; they're called Jack Spicer's Evil Electroshock GloveBots for a reason. But uncool? Nuh-uh, objectively incorrect. And I was going to calmly explain this to the naysayers if I had to.
"Aqua, we're talking about a woman who's survived two Explosions at point blank range and came out of both with a huge dopey grin on her face. Little controlled zaps to the arms are mild in comparison. Besides, she said she appreciated the gift I gave her and was delighted when they helped her hit a training dummy. Darkness is a masochist – a pain junkie – she consents to the whole thing. The gloves will recondition her muscle memory, she won't have an existential crisis over what to invest points into, and everyone will be safe and happy and winning. What's the problem here?"
Aqua and Megumin both continued to stare at me long and hard, and I could tell that they were trying to formulate a retort. Something to put me in my place, some wise, moral grandstand. And yet, as the seconds ticked away, my smile grew more and more as they visibly faltered, not so much out of irritation but more so out of recognizing that I wasn't gonna let this one go. Ultimately, Aqua was the first to sigh, crossing her arms and fixing me with an apathetic glare.
"Alright, Jack. Because you're my friend, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt just this once and trust you know what you're doing. But if this turns out to be you exploiting Darkness for some disgusting form of play, let's just say you're going to be making multiple visits to Eris for me. Clear?"
"Hey, HEY! Ease up there, Aqua! I'm a teenager, not a sex freak!" I shot back, a little offended even if her assessment was fair. I had my weaknesses, I'd readily admit, but being a horny bastard wasn't one of them, dammit! "I swear to...well, you, that my intention was in no way sexual. Okay?"
The water goddess stared deep into my eyes, making me fidget from the prolonged contact before she eventually sighed through her nostrils and softened her glare, leveling me a look that seemed almost like mutual understanding.
"Okay, I believe you. Just...keep an eye on her, alright?" She requested, a brief but important look of concern flashing in her eyes. "Darkness means well, but I'm a little worried about how much she wants to help people. If those gloves really help her out, great, but until we see as much...just keep her safe, alright?"
"You have my word as an evil genius," I stated with a smile, putting up my hands for them to see and wiggling my fingers. "See? No fingers crossed behind my back! That's how know I'm being genuine."
Aqua rolled her eyes at the gesture, but nodded in understanding and started down the adjoining hall, probably planning on winding down for the night. Megumin, however, held back and waited by me as I shot her a questioning look. Apparently, there was still something she thought needed to be discussed.
"Gold coin for your thoughts, M-Bomb?" I asked while trying to adjust some of my slang with this world's dialect.
"...do you think Darkness is alright?" The young mage asked quietly, catching me by surprise with just how serious she sounded, even if she dialed it back a bit as she expanded the statement. "I-I just mean over what I said today is all! She was really quiet for a while, and now she's got those gloves...is she really doing alright?"
I was left feeling…admittedly kind of scared over being asked something like that from the little pyromaniac. What made her think I knew the answer? I'm a mad scientist for badness' sake, not a shrink! Still, I should probably say something to ease Megumin's worries, even if I had to pull something out of my ass to make it happen. I just hope whatever comes out of my mouth next will be enough to make her happy.
Man, since when did trying to convert my friends into being evil get so convoluted?
"I think she's okay. Mostly. I think you gave her a chance from...introspection, I guess?" I admitted, stuffing my hands into my pockets as I shrugged, and slapped on what I hope was a reassuring smile. "You know how she is, Megumin. She wants to help people, even if it's in a weirder way than how most good guys would go about it. I just think that what you told her today gave her some food for thought. Nothing to worry over, yeah?"
I watched in suspense as Megumin lowered her gaze to the ground, seemingly mulling over my words. Just when it felt like the pressure of it all was going to crush me, my anxiety thankfully simmered when I noticed a ghost of a smile pass on the girl's lips, nodding her head to herself before gazing back up at me.
"Yeah, you're right. Thanks for giving it to me straight, Jack," She muttered, looking the slightest bit embarrassed over the whole thing now that it was over. "I was just worried that I hurt her feelings, or that she was super upset over it. Glad to know that I was just overthinking it."
"Welcome to my world then," I semi-joked with her, the two of us sharing a chuckle over it. Once again, relative peace has been restored amongst my closest (and only) friends. Let's try to keep it that way, shall we?
Just then, Megumin and I noticed a lone GuardBot hovering right on by. It was at that moment that I flagged him down to ask him something important.
"Yo, GuardBot-Paul! Did you know we had a dojo?"
"Of course, sir! In fact, I formulate my patrols around it since it's near the center of residence!" GB-P4UL confirmed, just a bit too enthusiastic as he noticed my grimace. "Wait, were you not aware of our dojo, sir?"
It was then that asshole mage beside me practically collapsed where she stood, holding onto her sides while she doubled-over laughing at my expense.
"SHUT UP!"
"So...how long do you think it'll take for them to find it?" Megumin asked me while we, and the rest of our party, stood on the edge of a shrouded forest waiting for the JackBots to lure out our latest bounty. "I mean, it is a One-Shot Bear...maybe they won't even make it back out?"
Yes, as the name would imply, it was a bear-like monster with an attack stat so stupidly high, it could more or less instakill anything that stood in its way. Naturally, with a powerful animal like that just roaming around all willy-nilly, the guild put an exceptionally high bounty on it, one that would knock off a huge chunk of our debt should we succeed. Also, I really hate using the word should in this instance. Even if Aqua said she could revive me, that didn't mean I felt like testing that out.
"They'll make it. I'm sure my boys can outrun one stupid bear, murderous as it may be." I retorted, trying to keep from showing how nervous I was. Really, this could go either way at the moment, and his confidence was wavering with every minute they didn't show up. "So, to be clear...we all know the plan here, right?"
"Wait for the bear to come out, buff up Darkness' stats with my Blessing spell, and let her and the gloves do the rest," Aqua recited bluntly, turning to give me a look. "Although, personally, I still think you're overestimating her defense. Explosions are one thing but…are you that confident she can tank One-Shot Bear of all things?"
Megumin and Darkness both sent the goddess withering glares for two separate reasons, making Aqua shrink back while I stifled a chuckle. It's comforting to know I wasn't the only one around who unintentionally offends their friends.
Still, before I got the chance to so much as think of a proper answer, a thunderously loud roar shook the trees before us as the sound of something very big and very pissed started to get closer and louder.
"WE FOUND IT!"
The leading JackBot frantically beeped as he and his team shot out of the clearing as fast as their propulsion jets would carry them. However, right as the last bot, J3NK1N5, made it out of the tree line, a gnarly black paw came out of the shadows and held the poor thing in place. It was then a bipedal black bear made of nightmare fuel stepped out into full view, its fur tangled and unkempt and its eyes deep and soulless.
The One-Shot Bear proceeded to, to…b-ball up my baby while he was still beeping, oil dripping out between the creaking metal and electrical sparks flying. There was no saving his emotion chip after that. Goodnight, sweet prince…
The monster threw the balled-up bot away as the others drew out their chest-mounted plasma guns in palpable fear. I turned to the girls…
"WHY DID YOU LET ME PICK THIS QUEST!?"
"Aqua, Blessing! NOW!" Darkness shouted, drawing her sword as her newly calibrated gloves hummed to life, going into a fighting stance with a legitimately fearsome snarl on her face. "Everyone behind me! I can do this!"
Not fucking around anymore, Aqua spammed her Blessing spell on the crusader, buffing up her already beefy stats while we all followed her instructions and hid behind her. Amazingly enough, it seemed the creature was intelligent enough to understand the concept of being cocky, as it snuffed and huffed at Darkness tauntingly. In one of those rare moments, the older woman did not take to vocalizing her self-degrading fantasies out loud as she bore holes into the bear.
"You shall go no further, beast! Your story ends here and now!" She practically growled, a ferocity shining in her eyes that I'd rarely seen before as she drew up her blade. "You have claimed your last life on this day! I will avenge...um..."
Darkness briefly glanced back over at the remaining bots taking cover behind her. "I'm sorry, what was his name again?"
"J3NK1N5. Jenkins, ma'am," the leader of the recon team supplied, tipping his helmet over his eyes. "New unit, fresh off the workbench, but a dreamer all the same…"
Darkness' expression grew serious once more, and following a simple nod to the leader, she turned back to the waiting bear, who's patience seemed to be weighing equally thin. With that, she drew up her sword once more and dug her heels into the dirt, preparing to lunge forward with one last resolute sentiment.
"For Jenkins."
One-Shot Bear roared, followed by Darkness as the two opponents charged head on at each other. The bear reared back its paw as it suddenly began to glow like Aqua's fist when she was about to deliver a God Blow on a frog. The gesture did nothing to deter the crusader as she homed in on the monster, and right as it went in for the punch…
She sliced its fucking paw off with a well-placed swing of her blade! The gloves were lending a hand (spiteful pun entirely intended)!
The Bear howled in pain, but Darkness did not give it another chance to recover. With a swiftness and fury I never could have expected from her, she winded up her blade once more, swinging it with an amount of force more than strong enough to take the beast's head clean off.
Which was exactly what she did.
I had to look away for a bit once it started spurting a geyser of concentrated blood, but as soon as the sound of gushing came to a stop, I took a cautionary peek. Darkness stood over the disarmed, decapitated One-Shot Bear in stoic silence, her shiny white armor coated in speckles of blood from her fallen enemy. Even though she still had that "I-got-zapped-and-I-like-it" blush, the rest of her face looked cold and reserved, much like when we first met. She unsheathed her sword and quietly took a knee before sending a prayer.
As Darkness prayed, I knelt beside the ball that used to be one of my precious JackBots, one of my boys. There was a small, desperate part of me that wanted to whisper a mental prayer to a certain luck goddess for a miracle...but there was nothing to be done. Jenkins was completely unsalvageable.
I could make another emotion chip, install it in a new bot and call that one Jenkins, sure...but at that point he would technically be someone else. Plus, this little guy was only built a few days ago, his chip had yet to fully compile a complete personality-memory matrix for me to dump onto the backup servers for safekeeping. So ignoring the philosophical implications of "cloning a dead person" (which I sometimes had to do for some of my more ruined bots), I just couldn't do it. Bye-bye, Jenkins...
A soft bump made me jump a little. When I looked to my side, it was Megumin, taking off her hat and staring down at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry for what happened to Jenkins. I may not have known him personally like you did, but…I'm sure he'd be proud of us."
"Yeah...yeah, I think he would be," I managed, hastily brushing my eyes in a sad attempt to prevent anymore tears from forming, resting a hand on the ruined chassis for a moment. "We're taking him back with us, giving him a proper send off. I-I know that might sound a weird, but- -"
"There is absolutely nothing weird about respecting a fallen loved one, Jack," spoke a certain crusader who must've finished her prayer and joined us. Despite the blood on her, she looked…fuck it, I don't care if it sounds creepy, she looked stunning with the way the sun shined behind her. "Family is who you choose to include in your life, so if Jenkins was a part of yours, then he was a part of mine. We shall honor his sacrifice however you see fit. He may not have been alive in the traditional sense, but that does not mean he was any less his own person. Do not be afraid to mourn."
I nodded in silent appreciation, managing to withhold my tears for a time. After dividing out the work, Darkness elected to carry the bear's paw while Aqua agreed to carry Jenkins, a surprising show of both strength and humility considering the level of care she provided for the fallen bot's remains. The trip back to Axel was long and mostly silent, which didn't particularly change once we turned in our bounty and continued on back to the mansion.
We held a small ceremony for Jenkins out in the front yard, complete with a eulogy and 21-plasma-gun salute courtesy of Sigma Squad (the leader of Jenkins' team volunteered to be the seventh shooter). A passerby or two stopped to stare inconsiderately, but the girls – especially Darkness – scared them off with nasty looks alone. Even though it was a sad occasion, I couldn't help but swell in happiness over my non-robotic friends.
I turned to the crusader/noble standing next to me and quietly asked, "You make arrangements with that contact yet? The sooner I get my kids coated in adamantite, the less likely this will have to happen."
"Indeed, I sent the message before our departure this morning. With any luck, we'll have the materials within the next few days," Darkness assured me in kind, patting my shoulder and offering a comforting smile. "We can afford a few days off until then. And this won't happen again, Jack. I swear it."
Aqua suddenly chimed in, a sad smile on her face. "Yeah, I think we've all earned ourselves a little break after today. Oh, and Jack? Sorry Megumin and I doubted you about the gloves. They really are sick. Cool-sick, that is."
"Thanks, Aqua. I'm glad you two think so," I murmured with genuine gratitude, before turning to Darkness and lightly punching her arm, offering her an ever so slightly brighter smile. "And you did great, by the way. Gloves or no, you really showed off today, Dark. Good on ya."
Darkness became normal flustered again before shyly turning away, murmuring some nonsense about how it was "nothing, really". She was such a bad lair. Maybe I could give her some pointers in the near future. Deceit was a more versatile trait to have over selfishness anyway.
There's always other bad traits, I think I can stomach giving her a freebie on this one. She's earned it.
Can I get an F for Jenkins?
Yeah, the "warning" at the beginning was japes. Sorry if I had some of you actually believe real character death was going to happen (even though Aqua would probably revive them anyway). I just happen to be uploading this chapter on Halloween and, well, I thought I'd keep the spirit of the holiday alive. Boo!
But seriously, Jenkins was a good (bad) boy. May he be remembered for his services...
