Man, I forgot how awkward it was working on FemBots…
Sure, replicating the head from memory was easy enough; I've become desensitized to the uncanny valley a long time ago. But for the rest of the body? Yeesh, that entire process was difficult before I got to adapting her existing programming with my own. Wasn't sure if it felt weirder to do it alone either, since the few times the girls stuck around for the process, I couldn't say I was any more comfortable (Darkness' inappropriate remarks certainly didn't help).
Of course, the fact Alexis' synthetic skin was soft and smooth to the touch didn't make working on her any easier. Whenever I made RoboJacks – or robotic copies of anyone really – I usually stuck with bad old fashioned metal bodies, while still making them realistic enough to the untrained eye. Comforting touches never was a top priority when making them as they were going to get into fights most of the time anyhow.
But given Alexis and her…former primary directive, the choice for synthetic skin made perfect sense. It just made my own skin want to crawl at the very thought.
Luckily, after getting past all the gross touchy stuff, I finally got around to introducing the emotion chip into her systems. It was surprisingly easy to install into the existing software. It almost gave me enough pause to wonder if the creep who worked on her ever considered a similar application himself...
Nah, probably just a random coincidence. Given that idiot's track record with machines so far, I highly doubt he had the foresight to ever consider giving his bots true feelings. It was either "push something out to meet a deadline" or satisfy baser instincts with that guy. Man am I glad he's dead.
Putting my hatred for Dumbass McGee aside, I asked some of my boys for help in dressing Alexis up in something a little more modest. I figured that, even though the JackBots had masculine programming, they would be better suited in "personal exchanges" with their kin.
Turns out, it was just as awkward for them as it was for me. Sigma Squad flat-out refused to do it since, to quote JB-514Y32, "it was the CheerleaderBots all over again". I had to ask the bots I assembled in this world to do it since they had no repressed experiences with that awkward phase in my evil career like the ones I brought over from Earth.
…oh, Christy, why do you and your girlfriends still haunt my brain…?
In the end, Alexis was clad in a much more respectable dress, not too showy or sexualized. Plus, the Fantasy World JackBots (I still have no idea if this planet has a name) managed to find one that matched her hair color: magenta with streaks of white. Considering how much worse they could've chosen for her to wear, I thanked my boys profusely.
After propping Alexis back up on the workbench, I did one last checkup on her newly installed emotion chip before hovering my index finger over the ON/OFF switch I added to the back of her neck. Because a certain somebody forgot to design one themselves. Just work your children till they break down, why don't ya? What a shit dad…
"Well…here goes nothing!"
I flipped the switch and took a step back as she booted up, sitting up a bit straighter as the light returned in her eyes. She blinked once, then twice, and slowly tilted her head to the side as she mumbled a single, confused word.
"...Hello…?"
No dirty talk. So far so bad (good)!
"Hey there, buddy," I greeted calmly and slowly, as I did with all robots I first activate. "How are you feeling? Systems nominal? I had to do quite a bit of jury-rigging with the components leftover from your last head. In fact, try to run a quick self-diagnosis to see if everything's functioning correctly."
She blinked again, before slowly nodding as her eyebrows furrowed and she kinda stared off into space for a few seconds. Eventually, she nodded again and answered.
"All my systems are functioning nominally, but...there's something about them that seems…feels different…? What happenedto me?"
"Well, that depends on what you mean," I said carefully, not entirely sure how fragmented her previous memory files really were. "Do you mean what happened to you before you got here or what happened to you right now since I can answer that one a little easier."
"I...start with what happened right now." She requested after a beat, raising up her hand and pinching the bridge of her nose, before drawing that same hand back and looking at it uncertainly. "Everything feels different. I'm not sure how else to describe it, but something about my code feels different from before."
"Right, that would be the modifications I added while putting you back together," I answered while nodding, treating the situation with the utmost reverence. This was my first time installing one of my emotion chips in someone else's robot, so things could get messy if I didn't keep my cool. "Aside from constructing you a new head and upgrading your hair…tentacle…thingies to allow for enhanced mobility, I also installed an emotion chip of my own design into your motherboard. Right now, you're likely coming down from the 'high' of having access to a wide array of complex, independent thought programs. In other words? You're more human than you were before."
She stared at me for a moment, photoreceptors squinting in obvious skepticism. However, as she took the time to literally process the information, those same eyes slowly widened with realization and she leaned forward slightly while gently brushing her temples. Suddenly being gifted with free will when you previously had none will do that to a bot…I imagine.
Again, first time installing an emotion chip in a creation that wasn't my own.
"I see…It's a strange sensation then," She muttered after a moment, drawing back her hands and holding them out in front of herself. "Everything feels…sharper. Clearer? It's as though I wasn't truly functioning to full capacity up until this very moment."
"Yeah, well, your original maker wasn't exactly winning any prizes, I'll say that much," I commented dryly as I casually pulled up a chair and sat in front of her, letting her know that she was safe here with me. "Speaking of which…how much can you recall from before I activated you? Some of your parts either got lost or damaged beyond repair, so I'm not super sure how fractured your memory files are. I'll fill you in on what I know if I have to, but I want you to try and see how far back you can remember on your own."
Tilting her head in consideration, Alexis was a bit slow to answer, considering the question carefully. "For the most part, my memories appear to be intact. There are a few blank spots, but it's hard to tell if that was from your handiwork or my former master's tampering."
"Well let's start with your creator then. What can you tell me about him? Please tell me he at least had the foresight to register his own name into your data banks…"
Alexis' eyes glowed for a second as she pulled up whatever information she had.
"His name was Nishiyama Hideo. He was an inventor of sorts, though I presume you gathered as much given my existence as well as the golem he developed to guard the temple you found us at," She answered diligently. Then her face scrunched up for a second in disdain. "Hmm…Seems like your emotion chip is doing its job alright."
"I take it you just remembered something weird and/or gross about him?" I cautiously pried. If she could recall his name and the golem – err, gundam he made, then I think it was safe to assume she could remember what it was she was originally designed and programmed for…
"Quite, yes. I can't say he was an entirely pleasant person to be around," She replied with her arms firmly crossed. Although she did tilt her head again and took on a more introspective expression. "However, I will admit that I am feeling the strangest sense of…well, I suppose you could call it melancholy. He wasn't always unbearable, of course. There were moments where he seemed more controlled, more mature if you will. They just happened to be terribly few and far between."
"I can imagine as much, yeah…uh, anyway, I guess this means you also remember meeting me and my crew?" I asked with a small amount of trepidation. "And that new name I gave you? Alexis?"
"Yes, I remember all of that, and I must thank you for the latter addition," She confirmed, cracking a small smile, the first one since her reconstruction. "It was nice to be provided with a proper name, even if only for a moment. That being said, however, it appears you've now registered the name '413X15' into my data banks for some reason."
"Hmm? Oh, yeah, uh, that's just leet-speak for 'Alexis'. It's like this outdated form of internet slang where you use numbers in place of certain letters. I just use it because I'm old school like that, and it's the same system I use when assigning my own bots with their serial numbers. But I usually just use their regular names in casual conversation."
"Fascinating…I've never heard of such a practice before," Alexis hummed in genuine intrigue, before glancing around the lab and adopting a more bemused expression. "So, if I may ask…where are we, exactly? This certainly isn't the lab I was created in."
"I'm glad you asked!" I chirped ecstatically. It was always a treat introducing someone to my rockin' crib! "Welcome…to JACK SPICER'S FORTRESS OF EVILTUDE!"
Alexis stared back at me blankly, much like how she did when we first met. Everyone's gotta be a critic, huh?
"…my evil lair," I awkwardly coughed into my fist after a beat.
"Ah…Naturally," Alexis replied slowly, tilting her head slightly as she continued surveying the room. "Well, it's certainly brimming with personality, I'll say that much. Though I would be lying if I said a bit more color wouldn't help make the place pop; lots of black and gray."
"I like to think my red hair and eyes keeps the place from becoming too drab, even if black and gray comes prepackaged with the villain aesthetic," I commented with a light shrug. I was already used to living with people who questioned my evilness, what's one more gonna do? "Anyway, before we get sidetracked, I think we should address a couple elephants in the room. Starting with your original sadism programming, which I intentionally left in. Do you still want it or would you rather I just purge it from your system entirely?"
Alexis didn't answer at first, folding her hands together as her lips pursed in concentration, and I couldn't fault her for her hesitation. This was a tough decision to make. Still, after a few more moments, she supplied me with a proper answer, and admittedly, not the one I was expecting.
"Leave it. Seal it away if you must, but I don't want it removed," She replied, shifting slightly upon the workbench while her expression became much more certain. "While I hold no lost love for my creator, I think I'd like my programming to remain whole. Who knows, I could have a use for it someday…still sorting my feelings on what I was actually built for, after all."
"Alright then, the old programming stays. Heh, hey, maybe it could be used as an intimidation tactic should you enter combat mode, eh?" I suggested, mostly as a joke. "I mean, one of my teammates kind of already has that one covered with her own 'quirk', but still, the more the scarier, right? Oh, uh…assuming you want to stay of course."
"I certainly don't have anywhere else to go. If you'll have me, I'd be more than happy to stick around." Alexis replied earnestly, cracking another subdued smile. "I do owe you and your friends a great deal. You've quite literally changed me for the better for no other reason than you could."
I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding after she said that and smiled back. "Don't mention it. I'm just an evil genius with a passion for robotics, that's all. Still, it means a lot that you're willing to stay, so thanks Alexis. Welcome to the family. Speaking of which…"
Twisting my neck as far as it would allow, I shouted behind me. "BOYS! COME MEET YOUR NEW SISTER!"
Right on cue, the gaggle of bots that had been waiting nearby practically swarmed over to our location, babbling incoherent greetings over each other as they properly met the newest member of the robo-family. While Alexis did seem a bit overwhelmed at first, both by the noise and the attention, once things settled a bit she seemed more than happy to converse with them.
"Glad to see you're getting along with your new brothers!" I chirped while affectionately patting the domed head of one of my precious JackBots. "They'll show you the ropes and make you feel right at home, I guarantee. You may want to keep a list though because I make, like, a ton of them whenever I can."
"Yeah, but don't let that intimidate you, rookie. As one of the oldest JackBot units here, just stick with us and you'll be fine!" JB-B2U1532 reassured as he gestured to the other five members of Attack Squad Sigma. "You'll like it here, trust me. Jack knows how to treat us well. Shit, he respects us so much, he doesn't even install obedience chips in us!"
"Well, there was RoboJack…" JB-C2U532 admitted as he tapped the bottom of his faceplate as though it were a chin. "But being a robot copy of the master, he was bound to be rebellious by programming. He's the only exception as far as I can tell."
"That SkankBot modeled after Wuya could've gone for an obedience chip for walking out on us…" grumbled JB-W23CK32.
"Was that the one modeled after her ghost form or the one with the sleek, space age design?" asked JB-CUPC4K3. "My memory banks are failing me right now."
"Space age design," JB-D3V4574702 answered before crossing his arms and letting out a digitized huff. "And yeah, what a total glitch. I know she had an emotion chip like the rest of us, but really, who just leaves the master behind while he's been turned into a cactus? Thinking about it still grinds my gears. Literally."
Alexis chuckled warmly, clearly unbothered by the bots' endless tirade of chatter (already she's a keeper). "Well, they're certainly an excitable bunch, I'll give them that. If I may ask, who is this Wuya they mentioned?"
"Hmm? Oh, her," I murmured in mild annoyance at the thought of that immortal. "Just one of my old evil business partners back home on Earth. Used to be a witch, then a ghost, then back to being a witch, then back to being a ghost. She was a witch last time I saw her before I died, but for all I know she could be back to being see-through and transparent again."
"Huh. I see…and this Earth you speak of, what is that? Another country perhaps?" Alexis asked idly, curiosity evident as she drummed her hands on both sides of the workbench. "The name sounds familiar, but my data banks are having issues placing where I've heard it before."
JB-B2U1532 broke the conversation he and the other members of Sigma Squad were having to answer on my behalf. "Earth is the home planet Jack and your original master hailed from. It's a Type I civilization located in a parallel universe."
"It's also the place where my squad mates and I were first built before having our memory files extracted!" JB-CUPC4K3 added with a light cheer before slowly winding down and looking at Alexis with concerned curiosity (even if his faceplate couldn't physically express it). "Wait…did your creator not fill you or your predecessors in about this?"
"Ah, no. He wasn't particularly concerned with telling me about where he came from," Alexis replied with a roll of her eyes, likely now properly processing how much of a putz her creator was. "But a parallel universe, you say…How did you arrive in this universe then?"
"Well, like I alluded to earlier, I died in my universe and was reincarnated into this one. Same thing goes for your creator," I explained casually with a small smile on my face, as is usually the case whenever I'm just making friendly conversation with a machine. "Funnily enough, it was actually one of my friends that gave us our cheating powers and sent us down here. She's a goddess named Aqua; y'know, the one with the blue hair you probably saw when we first met? Speaking of which, we should probably formally introduce you to her and the others now that you're up."
"Wait, you mean an actual goddess is your companion? That's…unexpected," The fembot admitted with a soft chuckle, though she seemed genuinely surprised by the news. "I suppose my old master did mention a goddess once or twice, but to actually be allied with one on this plane of existence…I-I don't know what to say to that, really."
Huh. Y'know, I was so used to bunking it with Aqua and seeing the worst side of her that I guess I never sat down to really think about the circumstances. I was somehow friends with a bona fide goddess. Or demigod since being cast down and having her powers restricted? I don't know. Either way, I guess I can see how Alexis would interpret that as grandiose in nature.
Boy, was she going to be in for a letdown.
"Uh, right, well, it's as true as I am a supervillain. Though, as you'll see, we don't always maintain our image 24/7. Sometimes we keep things casual, which is probably how you're going to see her today since we're all having a lazy Sunday. That said, you wanna go meet them? They should be hanging out in the living room right now."
"Certainly. I think I've gathered most of my bearings now; can't see any other reason to put off a proper introduction," Alexis agreed while hopping off the workbench and taking a few steps before suddenly glancing at her flowing hair. "The upgrades you've provided me, specifically my hair manipulators…what sparked such an idea?"
I blinked. "Oh, uh…I dunno. I just noticed how you used strands of your hair like tentacles to grab things. So I thought it would be…cool I guess to upgrade that particular feature of yours. Not only can they now sharpen themselves at the tip to be used as skewers for combat, but you can also use them to carry you around. Just like Doc Ock!"
While briefly flashing confused look over my reference, Alexis paused before activating the discussed upgrades, unfurling four tendrils of hair and stretching them out, lifting herself off the ground and releasing another soft chuckle in the process. "Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating..."
"Hey, how come you don't upgrade our hair extensions, sir?" asked one of the many non-Earth JackBots, prompting all of us to slowly turn to look at him as though he had suffered from a malfunction. Once he analyzed his mistake, he was quick to tilt his helmet down over his photoreceptors to avoid making eye contact with us. His circuits had to be heating up from embarrassment over his slip of the vocabulator.
"Forget I said anything…"
"Right…mercifully ignoring that. C'mon! Let's introduce you to the gang already!"
Barely a minute later, we'd arrived in the living room where the girls had indeed been relaxing. Aqua was taking up the new couch we saved up for, Darkness was sitting at the table nursing a cup of tea, and Megumin was playing with Chomusuke on the floor. Even the best like us needed to have our lazy Sundays. Whoever said evil never rests was talking out of their ass.
"Hey, hey, hey!" I announced, grabbing my friends' attention and gesturing to Alexis with jazz hands. "Guess who's fully operational and has no interest in violating me anymore?"
"Had I known that was what you were going to lead with, I would've requested a better introduction…" Alexis grumbled in deadpan, before turning to the girls and offering them a polite smile. "But I digress. Hello there, a pleasure to meet you all again. Properly this time."
"Woah…" Megumin breathed as she studied the new and improved android, the cat continuing to swipe at her splayed out hands. "It's like she's a completely different person now!"
"To be fair, having proper emotions will typically supply such an effect. Or so I'm told," Alexis chuckled, before turning to Aqua and bowing slightly. "Ah, your eminence. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Aqua-sama."
She was aware Aqua was sprawled out on the couch in her jammies like a slob, right?
"Well, I see my holy reputation precedes me!" the demigod smugly proclaimed as she stood up and straightened herself out before placing her fists to her hips. "Indeed, my child, it is a pleasure to meet you as well. Tell me, what can the fair, kind, and benevolent Goddess Aqua do for you on this blessed day? Just so you know, the Axis Order has its doors open to all, even those who are mechanical in nature."
"OKAY, nipping this in the bud NOW," I stepped in with an aggravated huff, patting Aqua on the shoulder to comfort her before smashing her hopes and dreams. "Aqua, you may be one of my closest friends, but I'm drawing the evil line at you indoctrinating Alexis into your cult."
"For the last time, the Axis Order is NOT a cult!" Aqua insisted along with a childish stomp. "If anything's a cult, it's the Eris Sect.! Even though I'm supposed to be her senpai, that…that…chest poser somehow becomes this kingdom's national religion! Granted, my followers' devotion is stronger even with the smaller numbers – but still! How come my religion's being compared to a smelly old cult instead Eris', huh!?"
"Well, to be fair, the Eris followers I've bumped into downtown haven't been all in-your-face about their religion with me. Plus, they've managed to make conversation over things other than their esteemed goddess," I replied swiftly, though an inkling of mocking seeped into my tone with those last two words. Eris had still shafted me luck wise, and the favors she'd done for me in the meantime were few and far between.
"Yeah, sorry Aqua, but I'm gonna have to side with Jack on this one. Your followers are all batshit insane," the batshit insane Crimson Demon commented bluntly while ignoring Dark trying to chastise her for coarse language. "I've run into a few before I came to Axel and they just will not stop badgering you about their cult, even when you get physical with them. It's just as annoying as it sounds."
"For once, I will elect not to partake in this discussion, given my bias as one of Eris' devotees," Darkness answered after a moment, turning to Aqua with a sympathetic look on her face. "That said, however, your followers do have a tendency to be a bit more intense than the average follower of Eris when it comes to recruitment…"
"So they're just a bunch of eager beavers, there's nothing wrong with that!" Aqua hastily defended before turning back to the mildly befuddled Alexis. Any preconceived notions she had about the water harpy thanks to Nishiyama must've completely shattered by now. "Don't let these simpletons dissuade you from joining my religion. Like I said, we welcome all, human or robot! Not that we've ever had any robot followers before, but still, we won't judge!"
"I'm afraid I'll have to decline for the time being. Religion is a bit of a tough topic for beings like myself to comprehend." Alexis replied, keeping her polite tone throughout our usual brand of madness. "Meeting literal gods is even more difficult to process, so, for now, I'm going to remain a neutral party in that particular field."
"Trust me when I say you get used to being around godly entities after a while. But so long as you're willing to stick to the evil side – i.e. us – then that's A-OK with me!" I reassured the fembot with a big grin. "We'll have to figure out what your role is in our federation, but don't feel too pressured; it's bad just having you around!"
I then realized how that last part could be misinterpreted by Alexis and quickly amended, "Oh, by the way, when I say it's 'bad' to have you around, I actually mean it's good to have you around. Bad is like the villain equivalent of good in most contexts. Just so you don't get the right idea."
"Your ideology is remarkably unorthodox, I'll give you that," Alexis remarked with a wry smile, crossing her arms with a light chuckle. "Morality is another subject robots usually have a hard time with, but this…this provides me with an intriguing experiment of sorts."
Having spent most of my time with robots instead of people, I've been able to read them better than any human. Case in point, when Alexis used the word "experiment" in that way, I was quick to be on the defense.
"Hey, you may be part of the crew now, but I won't stand you trying to turn me away from evil. It's cool, fun, and it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling I've come to love. It's like marriage, I've been committed to it for far too long to just drop out. Did it once before, regretted it almost instantly. The JackBots can testify."
"Oh, I have no intention of steering you away from your current ideology. I merely meant I was curious to see how it differs from my own calculations," Alexis explained while holding up her hands in a placating gesture. "Not many people share your worldview, after all. It'd certainly be interesting to see how this changes how you function accordingly."
"Yeah, well, once we usurp the Devil King and take over, we'll enforce our own worldview onto everyone else. Then the masses will finally come to realize that bad guys rule – literally – and good guys drool. Just as the universe intended~" I explained dreamily as I sauntered over to Darkness and casually stole a quick sip of her tea…
Only to grimace and set the cup back down on the saucer.
"Wait, I don't like tea, what am I doing…?"
Things only got more confusing on my end when I noticed Darkness blushing up a storm again. Only this time, it didn't seem like her usual masochistic blush. This one looked genuine, like she was legitimately flustered over something, though I couldn't put my finger on what.
It wasn't until Aqua started dramatically gasping and pointing that I figured out what all the hubbub was about.
"Jack and Darkness just shared an indirect kiss! I gotta tell someone about this!"
My eyes widened and I immediately went to wipe my mouth with my sleeve. "P-people in my country share drinks all the time, it doesn't mean anything!"
"If that's true, your people are disgusting, Jack!" Megumin commented, sticking her tongue out to emphasize her point.
"Oh, grow up you big baby! What's a few little germs gonna do? Kill me?"
Our in-fighting was then interrupted by the sudden laughter of Alexis, who was holding her sides despite not having a respiratory system as she experienced genuine mirth thanks to her new emotion chip. Eventually, she managed to simmer down and pretended to wipe a tear from her photoreceptor as she spoke.
"Sorry, sorry, it's just…I'm still adjusting to the whole 'having real emotions' thing, you see?"
I gave the sheepish android a knowing smile and a thumbs up. Nothing like breathing new life into a machine. It doesn't get better than this.
"Well, at any rate, I suppose we'll see what you have in mind for the world at large when such a time comes," Alexis replied after a beat, moving around to the side of the living room and taking a seat on the couch. Looks like somebody's making themselves at home already. "In the meantime, I'd like to know as much as I can about what you've all been up to before my reactivation, if you'll humor me."
Without objection, I regaled our story thus far, starting with my death in Hong Kong and ending with finding her in Dumbass McGee's old lab. The girls naturally threw in their own comments or told the parts they wanted to tell (namely their personal achievements), but I managed to cover most of the important stuff. While it definitely would've been more efficient to simply upload Alexis with the knowledge of our past exploits, I felt that would've been a little too detached.
Besides, getting to boast about your wins while skipping over the embarrassing bits was part of the fun! Even if Aqua was more than willing to bring to light said embarrassing bits…the glorified watering can.
"So, with no other way to get you out of…err, 'dom mode', I made the executive decision to hit you with a logical paradox to overload your CPU. Sorry about that, by the way. But on the bright side, with your newly installed emotion chip, you're now officially too self-aware to get stuck in another logic loop like that again!"
"Well, thank you for that. It was a…hmm, what's the best way to describe it? Ah, I know: hemorrhaging experience for me," Alexis admitted with a grimace, hunching over slightly in evident discomfort. "Having your brain pushed to its literal limits isn't what I'd call fun, believe it or not. An effective tactic all the same, but as I said, hardly fun."
Unable to resist the urge of making a cheap shot, I cast an all-knowing glance over at a suspiciously quiet crusader and remarked, "I think I know someone who would find that fun, actually. There's a good chance she's into mind break after all. But really, can one break something if it's technically already broken?"
"I-you-how dare…!" Darkness sputtered helplessly for a moment, before eventually crossing her arms and turning away in a poor attempt to hide her flushed face. "Unbelievable. I try my damnedest to act somewhat respectable for your sake and this is the thanks I receive? Honestly…"
I was going to make a snide remark on how she was so obviously not upset with me when I noticed a dangerously familiar flash in Alexis' eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that was a remnant of her sadism programming worming its way back in. My gut instinct was to run and hide in case she did something crazy, but my faith in my emotion chips overruled that traitorous thought. Jack Spicer never does his robots dirty like that, damnit!
Thankfully, my trust in the reformed fembot was rewarded when the flash in her photoreceptors left as soon as it came. Now Alexis had a mischievous, but playful, expression on her face as she looked at Darkness expectantly.
"Now, now. There's nothing to get embarrassed over, I assure you," She assured the crusader with a teasing tone. "If I'm gathering things correctly, you certainly seem like a far more respectable masochist than my creator. After all, at least you have the common courtesy to pretend to be decent."
"That's our Darkness for ya!" Aqua cheered, seemingly oblivious to the blonde woman slowly kneeling to the ground and covering her burning face in a rare display of true embarrassment. "She may like it a little too much when the enemy roughs her up on the battlefield, but she means well and does it out of love for her people! Though, I like to think those zappy gloves Jack equipped her with have helped mitigate some of her more, shall we say, 'intense' cravings. But we still love her for who she is! Isn't that right, Megumin?"
"This really feels like something I'm not meant to weigh in on, I'll be perfectly honest with you," Megumin replied with an exasperated expression, though not nearly as horrified as when Dark's antics first kicked off. "Not my kink, not my business."
Standing up almost robotically (I have permission to use the word like that by the way), Darkness walked over to the dining table and took the cup she'd been drinking back into the kitchen, muttering an awkward, "I am going to make some more tea," before exiting the living room. I shook my head and smiled in amusement before turning to Alexis.
"Future co-ruler of the world back there, can you believe it? A masochist helping me dominate a planet is a special kind of ironic. Enough to make me chuckle to myself at random sometimes."
"I can certainly see the humor in it, yes. Unintentional as it may be," Alexis agreed with a light chuckle, shaking her head in evident amusement. "This is certainly an odd little band of adventurers you call a family, Mr. Spicer. I do wonder just what the odds were for you all to assemble."
"Please, Mr. Spicer is my father's name. Just Jack Spicer is fine," I corrected playfully as I draped my arms over the backrest of the couch and glanced down at Alexis. "As for the family I do give a shit about, yeah, they may be weirdos, but they're my weirdos and I'm proud to have 'em. And I have Heaven's surprisingly sloppy bureaucracy to thank for that!"
"Hey! Easy there with the remarks about my home, buster!" Aqua sniped from nearby, jabbing at me with an agitated look before crossing her arms and grumbling. "It's not my fault paperwork is hard. We get so much of it too, it's natural to have some stuff get jumbled, okay?!"
Suddenly, Megumin decided to get affectionately clingy at that moment as she captured me in a decently strong embrace, her familiar having jumped atop her head now that her owner's hands were preoccupied. "True, but you can't deny that it's also what brought us together like this in the first place. If things were to stay exactly like this…I don't think I would mind all that much, y'know?"
Yup, it's official: disregarding the 3-second rule was the best decision I have ever made for myself. Hugs are great, man! Especially when they're backed up by heartfelt words like that.
"Yeah, suppose you're right…eh, might as well get in on this too!" Aqua chirped, before joining in on the hug promptly. Guess I really shouldn't expect anything less from her, right? "This is nice. Hugs are pretty great, huh?"
"Consider me a believer," I agreed with a small chuckle. Noticing a certain android silently observing us, I offered, "You can join in too if you want. I hug my JackBots all the time, even before I opened my heart up to these knuckleheads."
"You know, I've never had the opportunity to do so before. As you can imagine, my creator wasn't particularly interested in that brand of physical contact," Alexis admitted quietly, an uncertain look crossing her face as she folded her hands together. "Silly as it may sound, I'm not sure I'd do it right."
"Don't worry, it's easy!" Aqua insisted, temporarily breaking out of our group hug to guide Alexis off the couch and moving her over to me and Megumin, positioning her arms as she explained. "Just wrap your arms around and hold on tight. See? Easy-peasy!"
"Right…'Easy-peasy'," Alexis replied unsurely, slowly opening her arms with evident nervousness. After a few seconds, she managed to take the final step and wrap her arms around us, resulting in a hug that was initially, funnily enough, robotic. Slowly, however, she seemed to loosen up a little, and she became less stiff.
"Huh. W-wow," Alexis said, her voice only slightly wobbly as she managed to get the words out. "I guess I never knew how much I needed one of these until I received my emotion chip. Thank you, Jack, everyone. You're right, hugs are pretty great it seems…"
"Told ya," I reaffirmed earnestly as we all just stood there and basked in the warmth of each other. An evil genius really could get used to this…
Suddenly, a voice boomed:
"It can't be helped – NO CUCKQUEANRY FANTASIES FOR ME TONIGHT!"
"Wait, what?"
Tilting my head at just the right angle, I spotted a yellow and white blur charging towards us at what I could only estimate to be Mach 1.
Full disclosure: I may have screamed a tiny bit.
"Stupid, shitty, no-good, broken devil HALF-WIT!"
"Yee, yee, yee! I'm terribly sorry, Master Alderp! I don't remember doing anything to upset you, but I'm sorry anyway~!"
As I beat the snickering devil harder with my crutches, I contemplated the mess I had unwittingly found myself in. Years of deceit, manipulation, and careful planning…gone down the drain in the blink of an eye. I had to take my frustrations out on Maxwell, who I knew damn well was savoring the despair wafting off of me! Maybe a well-placed swing can knock out a couple of those pearly whites of his…
Things had started out promising enough, great even! After pulling a few strings, I'd managed to gain an audience with the one and only Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris at the kingdom's capital. There was a royal summit going on at the time and I saw the perfect opportunity to further my goals. All I had to do was maintain face, butter the princess up a little, and then bestow upon her a humble "gift" from noble to noble. That's when phase two of my plan would've come into effect.
What may seem like an expensive piece of jewelry to commoners and even most nobles was in reality a Divine Relic said to be wielded by the Ancients themselves. It cost me an arm and a leg to hire adventurers up to the task, but one of my mercenary groups was eventually able to track down and secure this legendary item for me. I could tell it was genuine too because of the indecipherable runes etched into it.
Well…indecipherable to everybody expect me. As luck would have it, the adventurer who retrieved the necklace for me – a real squinty-eyed fellow with a magic sword – could read the language himself! He even translated it for me, the fool! I paid him extra for that and sent the boy off his merry way. I couldn't care less about the historic ramifications; I'm no lowly scholar.
Anyway, the plan was simple. Once I gave the necklace to Iris, all I'd have to do was invoke the key phrase engraved on the relic, "Your things are mine, my things are yours. I'll turn into you!".
A dumb key phrase to be sure, but it would've allowed me to soul-swap with whoever happened to be in possession of the item! The naïve sword boy and I figured that out the hard way when he first translated the engravings to me. Thankfully, the effect was only temporary, so we were back in our respective bodies after half an hour had passed.
Still, seeing those two young sluts following him around faint when they realized he was in my body was simultaneously priceless and depressing…
A-anyway, once I invoked the key phrase, it just would've been a matter of killing off my old body before our souls could be swapped back. Then I, "Princess Iris", would be the rightful heir to the throne!
…at least I would've been if that big, scalding core didn't just teleport into the conference hall before I could hand the necklace off to her.
Things were a bit hazy for me after that, I'll admit. I know we all rushed out of the room to put as much distance between us and that damn fiery ball of death. I think we could all just sense that it was mere seconds away from blowing. It still amazes me that there were no casualties that day despite the shockwave from the explosion and the intense wave of heat that followed.
Most of us noblemen and women were pulled out of the rubble and rushed to the nation's finest hospital. We'd all suffered from major bone fractures and third-degree burns. The ER that day was filled with pained groans and vitriolic curses at the perpetrator responsible.
But the worst part? In all the excitement, I had dropped the Divine Relic when I was knocking over lesser nobles to flee the conference hall. My one-way ticket to the throne was destroyed in the blast…
And that was only the beginning of my unlucky streak. Imagine my surprise and anger when the princess returned from her personal trip to apprehend and execute the terrorist only to make a grand announcement that this "Jack Spicer" had merely been "punished" for almost killing me! ABSURD! Even the other nobles were outraged by Iris apparently going soft on this lowlife.
The only good thing to come out of that development was knowing that all of Jack's proceeds would go straight into paying our medical bills. So at least we didn't have to waste a single silver coin. Watching the brat's popular opinion of her go down the toilet in the span of a single afternoon also helped me sleep at night.
However, this silver lining didn't last long, for as soon as I was discharged, I come home to find that I had been robbed! Unidentified thieves had managed to incapacitate my all my guards (including my useless stepson) and made off with all my valuables! I was nearly broke!
And this wasn't just your ordinary coordinated burglary – oh no – this was something much bigger. The Summoning Talisman I'd used to summon and control Maxwell was stolen too. To say I was on edge would be the understatement of the century. That Divine Relic was my safety net in case this demonic amnesiac ever regained all his memories, including the fine print of the contract he made me sign…
N-never mind that, Alderp. Max's short-term memory loss is notoriously bad. Just keep making him think the contract hasn't been fulfilled yet and all will be fine.
I stopped my beating to catch my breath, arms easily getting tired from swinging my crutches. Despite being thoroughly bruised, the master manipulator never lost his inappropriately cheery smile.
Max always did unnerve me. Despite his irritatingly handsome features, he was still missing half of his head, a gaping void in the back of his cranium taking its place. He knew his deformity disgusted me, too, for his innocent smile quickly morphed into a smirk befitting a devil like him.
"My, my, Master Alderp…you are exuding some rather exquisite negative emotions this evening. I must humbly thank you for the gracious meal you've provided~"
"Shut up you fruity scourge!" I lashed out as I hobbled myself over to the chair I kept in my hidden dungeon along with Max. "Now listen up, it's time for you to fulfill your end of the contract."
"Really? Oh goody! I finally get to make myself useful!" He cheered ignorantly. With how crappy his memory was, he must've thought I was just taking a long time thinking over my alleged one wish. "Maxwell is at your service, Master Alderp! Please, tell me what your wretched heart desires so that I may get to play with you just as we agreed upon!"
I sneered at the disgusting blight before me. Despite the amnesia, Maxwell was still very aware of the details in that blasted contract. Must be a sixth sense for devils I suppose. No matter, this wouldn't be the first wish I hustled out of this one.
"I want to be rich again! No, twice as rich as I was before I got robbed!"
"It shall be done, milord!" Maxwell declared as he stood straight up with a rigid salute. "…what did you what me to do again?"
I slid my hand down over my still healing face. This short-term memory loss was a real double-edged sword at times…
"MAKE ME RICH, DAMNIT! I want money, how hard is it to remember something so simple and basic!?"
As I wasted the next hour of my life drilling Max on what he needed to do to get me back in the game, my mind wandered elsewhere. I was so close to having absolute power in the palm of my hands. If it weren't for that bastard, Jack Spicer, I'd be ruling this kingdom by now. I wasn't just going to kill that boy, oh no, I was going to make him suffer. That includes his merry band of misfits…
Except for Lady Lalatina, that is.
Like the rest of the noble community, I too was taken aback when word spread that the heiress to the Dustiness House was associated with Spicer. Some were quick to lambast Lalatina and her family, others were doubtful she had anything to do with the bombing; that she had been held against her will at the time. Regardless of the truth, it still didn't change my plans to have her by my side as my royal eye candy. Had my original scheme with the necklace been uninterrupted, it would've been so easy to make it happen…
No matter. The bombing, the hospitalization, even the theft of my Summoning Talisman – all just minor setbacks at the end of the day. I will get my revenge and I will become the most powerful man the world has ever seen. Because Big Daddy Alderp always gets what he wants~
Three months since I last posted a chapter? OOF. I am so sorry for the holdup, guys. I had forgotten how tedious editing by yourself can be, especially when you want to add an entire POV at the end without the aid of your writing buddy (once again, shoutout to my main man MegaPanda). But let it be known, we are still working hard on this fic. In fact, I've got a whole backlog of unpublished chapters which should theoretically be easier for me to edit than this one for some reason. So expect more regular updates coming soon.
Anyway, hope you guys like the inclusion of Alexis, the semi-reformed dominatrix robot! I promise she won't be hogging all the attention or fall into the stereotypical pitfalls of an OC (even though she technically isn't one?). She should make for a welcome addition to Jack's little robo-family. Let me know what you all think in the reviews as I get back into the swing of updating!
