Within a single breath, I was being placed on my own two feet in my room. The side of my bed pressed against the back of my thighs as I let myself sit back on it. I found myself staring directly at the door across from me.
My mind felt empty. Nothing crossed the front of my consciousness and I wasn't actually thinking anything. Just existing. I was breathing. My heartbeat felt entirely too slow for all that had just happened. I didn't feel numb. In fact, it was the opposite. I felt everything and it spoiled my body from my throat and down my chest. But no words or memories flashed to take control of a narrative. It was all just...there. One thing was for sure, I certainly wasn't tired.
Movement to my left caused me to blink, the torso of my protector interrupted my staring contest as he stepped right in front of me. His cape briefly tickled my calves as he repositioned himself, but my response was minimal.
"Saffiya." My name passing through his lips caught my attention, and I realized he'd been asking me questions all this time. Still, I couldn't quite find the energy to acknowledge his efforts. When even my name didn't garner a response for him, he knelt in front of me and his hands automatically placed themselves on my knees. He repeated his question, "do you want to talk about it?" My eyes flickered to his and my face must have been very clear because he sighed. I dropped my head away from him.
After a moment, his voice was soft, favouring a new tactic. "Tesoro." A hand left my knee to brush my hair from my face. It was tender and patient and I closed my eyes at the relief his touch brought to me. "Tell me what you need."
His thumb ran back and forth over my knee, the weight of his hand seemed to ground me more than the actual floor below us.
"I'd like to be alone right now."
He shook his head, "I can not do that." Did he really ask just so he could do the exact opposite of what I asked for? I couldn't catch a break with this guy.
"I'd like to be alone - please." Manners didn't seem to make a difference.
"No." As if to further his point, he moved to my side and fell back onto the bed. Throwing one arm under his head, he winked at me before he fixated his gaze on the canopy above us. I stared at him incredulously and it was the first emotion to stand out for me since we'd left the throne room. And it made me feel...better? As if the normality of his behaviour was somehow consoling in light of my loss.
So I said nothing. I'm not sure how long we stayed there. Empty minds and a single beating heart. At one point, Alec had begun to twirl the ends of my hair that hung messily down my back. I closed my eyes as a burst of light spread through my infected veins and I found comfort in the subtle reminder that I was not alone. Whether that was his intent or not, he continued the behaviour as innocently as a bug.
Now sitting on the edge of the bed, I must have changed positions at least three times. Alec, however, didn't move an inch except to return his hand to play with my curls after I'd settled from each transition. It seemed to be a reflex, an absentminded detail meant to comfort me. Like when you were consoling a crying friend and hesitated to change the pattern or speed in which you patted their back. Like you worried that the slightest change would set them off again.
That was me. A ticking time bomb. And he knew it. Not only was I reeling from recent events but the memories from our tête-à-tête the previous morning weighed heavily in the air between us. So much had happened since then. It seemed impossible to keep track of it all. However, one thing was clear to me. Alec had a lot of explaining to do.
It seemed that I was not the only one with heavy questions.
"In the library," he started, his voice gruff. "You were attempting to find evidence to convince Jane to hurt you."
I corrected him, "to use her gift."
"Never again." He repeated himself and the unsupported finality in his statement was practically begging me to challenge him.
"You heard Carlisle—"
He wasted no time jumping back in, a dismissive respect claiming, "I do not care what the Cullen said. It isn't going to happen." It was the protest of a child. Empty and insignificant to all outside forces with the real power. It made no sense as to why he cared whether Jane used her gift on me or not, let alone if it worked. Perhaps he was simply trying to protect Jane's image or even an innocence to his sister that only he could see.
Either way, I turned around to address him. His jaw was clenched and he was glaring at the fabric above my bed. The tenseness of his body didn't seem to translate to his fingers, which were still twirling the ends of my hair in oblivious zen. "That's not your decision to make."
Alec snarled and I actually jumped, "like hell it isn't."
"I'd have thought you'd have more faith in your sister."
I was receiving some serious side eye as he drawled, "Jane is not the impetuous variable."
I crossed my arms and stood, throwing my weight to one hip. His hand fell from my back and I'd forgotten it was even there.
He frowned and sat up to match my height. Our eyes met, and with him sitting, we were now on the same level. I attempted to control my facial expression, to keep it from giving any indication that he was increasingly pushing my buttons. Biting my lip, I retreated to the bathroom door and paused just outside of it.
"You should leave. Or you're not going to like what I have to say to you when I come back." He said nothing, so I stepped inside the in-suite bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me.
In the loneliness behind the closed door, reality hit me tenfold. The second I turned the lock, I pushed away from the door too quickly. I nearly tripped over nothing and my hands just barely caught the sink, gripping the edge to keep me from collapsing on the tile floor out of sheer emotional exhaustion. I could feel a wall somewhere inside of me begin to chip away at itself.
A subtle twitching in my hand spread throughout my entire body and I began to shake. No. I tightened my hold on the counter. While I would take the time to respectfully tend to a guilt and sadness for the life of a man I'd hardly known, I refused to mourn. This was merely a setback, not an excuse to give up. Not a reason to give up. Yes, I'd lost my only, last, and strongest lead in the case of my missing father, but I'd survived on hope with much less. This was a minor complication. It didn't mean anything. This was far from over with, six feet under or not.
Shit. I tore one hand from the sink to cover my mouth as I struggled to contain the cries that demanded a release from their prison. Their echoing rally ready to make an appearance before tears even had the chance to form. They weren't far behind and informed me of such as the silver faucet in my line of vision began to cloud over. I quickly shook my head from side to side in an attempt to force the physiological reaction away.
I caught sight of my eyes in the mirror and they became my focal point. Staring into my own eyes, I pulled myself from inside my head and breathed i and ou — hiccup.
Close enough.
I had to find some hope. Convince myself that I would find a new lead and I would figure out the full story of what had happened to my father. I had to remain positive. All I had to do was make it out of here alive.
This was a plan that would suggest I had no intentions of antagonising the one vampire who wanted to kill me and struggled to not do so every time he saw me. Only, I did intend to do so. I definitely did.
Apparently, he wasn't quite done with me either because Alec was still in my room. Despite the tensions we both still carried from the throne room, we still had dimes to split with each other.
He'd laid back down on the bed, his eyes now closed. He looked peaceful, as if lost in a dream. He barely acknowledged my entrance, though his body tensed as the bathroom door swung closed. The brief wind it created softly waving past me.
After the minute I'd taken for myself, I was well aware that I was in no state to engage in any form of conversation with him. The brewing argument I'd cut off mere minutes ago was proof that nothing productive could come from any continued debate. The contents of which were still fresh in my mind and just the thought of his audacity was enough to reinstall my frustration with him.
Because even if Demetri and Felix had asked me to be patient with him, the reality was that patience was a false virtue. Based on our scuffle before I'd left, he had some issues with my choices. Unfortunately for him, I did too. And I wasn't going to let him scare me off of them like he'd gotten everyone else to do. I had questions and I expected answers.
The only question — which one of us would break first.
"You lied to me."
He barely lifted his head. "Did I?" He drawled lazily, his accent peaking at the end of his question with an annoying, cocky timbre.
"Yes."
"Would you care to be more specific?" The question upset me and he absolutely knew it because he did sit up this time, watching for my reaction.
"Prosper." His eyes flashed. "You said you didn't hurt him."
The accusation immediately put him on the defensive. "The man made your father's friend into a midnight snack and you care that I may have damaged his ego?" I physically had to shrug off the harsh reminder to stay focused on my goal.
"That wasn't a no."
He snarled, "his mistake could've gotten you killed." Prosper played a minor role in my escape, it was hardly his fault. It was an overzealous statement. While it was dramatic, his insistence almost convinced me and I believe that he was at least under the impression that this had been the most likely scenario - 100%. "It is my job to protect you—"
I rolled my eyes, "I have plenty of guards."
"That is different." He shot me a look that should've shut me up and it would've. If I cared to trim his temper, which wasn't exactly a factor I even attempted to consider. Not that any of this had been meditated over, neither of us were speaking from the sanest places right now.
"How?"
"It just is!"
This was the moment I expected my brain to grow cloudy, as hazy as it always did when Alec drove me insane. Only this time, it didn't. This time, I was ready. "That's not good enough."
"Leave it be, Saffiya."
I crossed my arms over my chest, considering the risk if I did not, in fact, leave it alone. "No." He was leaning over the desk, hands clenched around the edges of its chair. Unnecessary breaths seemed to be delivered from his chest as I watched his body tense. "I think I deserve —"
"Damn it - will you do as you are told!"
His hand collided with the hard wood of the desk. The sound resonated around the room, bouncing from one wall to the next and lingering in the air. The table under his hand wobbled in response before stilling.
His eyes widened as he raised his head to me. Across the room, I had grabbed my chest in surprise, but I hadn't flinched away. Given no outward sign that I was afraid of him because I wasn't. And my curiosity hadn't faded, but rather something else had joined it. Something I couldn't quite place. I was just watching him and my gaze was nothing unique in my opinion. But whatever he saw on my face made Alec's entire body shift dramatically. He reached a hand towards me, but I raised one in response as if to tell him to stay back. It was as if I'd stung him, "Saffiya —"
Jane had been adamant that Alec would never hit me, never hurt me. And his surprise at his own actions matched my own. It had me wondering what exactly it was that we brought out in each other. And why. And just how bad would it get before we looked in the mirror and didn't recognise who we saw. It was dangerous and would continue to be if left unchecked, that much was clear.
Still. It was exhilarating — like nothing I had ever experienced before but I couldn't name it. Couldn't truly describe how even his name made me feel as if I could run a marathon. When he was near me, I felt sick to my stomach with the flittering of the butterflies inside me. Fear of what he'd do. Yet, in this moment, I entertained the possibility that fear was the wrong diagnosis. Only I couldn't figure any other possible answers. And while this was all running through my mind, another horrifying realization brought me back.
"Felix said it took Santiago ages to 'put him back together."
"If Prosper," he spit the name through his teeth, as if the word itself brought poison and misfortune to rest on his tongue. "Did as he was told—"
"Which would mean that he was ripped," I choked, "apart."
Alec answered my question resentfully, enunciating each word. He'd lost all care and caution to protect my mind from whatever horrors he was previously attempting to conceal from me. Anger misleading his good intentions and burn down the walls he'd built. His voice was coated with an ambrosial flavour, as if he derived pleasure from the bestial resolution, "he is lucky I didn't rip his throat out."
The marks on Prosper's neck. The ones that looked like he'd been bitten into.
"Oh my god." The exclamation flew from my mouth before I could cover it, my hand landing across my lips mere milliseconds after.
My knees buckled and I dropped, landing haphazardly on the floor. All at once, Alec appeared at my side, checking for damage on my body from the fall as if it were second nature to him. All signs of anger gone without a second thought.
There is was again. Emotion that he couldn't hide. That he was too distracted to catch and force it back down to hide it from the world. There was no immediate recovery, return to emptiness, and then a harsh reminder of my unimportance. No, this time, his eyebrows were furrowed and his lips tight. His eyes glittered with concern. His movements unfettered, driven by moment to moment thoughts instead of through a filtered dedication to being the evil guard.
He was vulnerable.
It was the most human I had ever seen him.
"Saffiya? What's wrong? What happened?" His hand went to the back of my neck, to provide a kind of balance. It reminded me that he was not human. That my neck was easy access to my blood. That a throat could be ripped out to kill even a vampire. That he was willing to do that to someone who he perceived had risked my life. I flinched at his touch.
"Why am I still alive?" He wasn't expecting that and even if he were going to respond, I didn't give him a chance.
"I just watched a man get the life sucked out of him by a vampire. A vampire. And the whole time, I was blaming myself. But it's not my fault — it's yours."
He frowned, refusing the responsibility with a wounded expression. "You shouldn't have tried to leave."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt your feelings? Trying to flee my kidnappers?" I pushed myself from the ground and away from him. "You understand that that's what you're doing right? It's a crime, maybe you've heard of it? Its illegal."
Alec copied my movement, standing to rise above me so I had to glare up at him. The dark had returned, but there was something behind it. A hint that he was portraying only false emotions, that he still had a reason to hide the real ones. "Would you prefer I left you to the mercy of those dogs?"
I laughed mockingly, automatically picking up the falsities of the facade he so quickly restored. "Right. So, you kill 3 people and I should be down on my knees, thanking the gods that you didn't kill me in a dark alley. Get over yourself."
He growled in warning, but I didn't care.
"My entire world was flipped upside down in the span of a single day and you can't find the decency to treat me like a human being. Or even pass off a half-hearted 'sorry I destroyed your future.'"
I reached out to shove him away from me, but he didn't so much as falter. I balled my hand up into a fist, pushing against his chest again and again as if I were knocking down a door. "What do you want from me?" He let me continue to hit him, without pause and lacking reason. Eventually, he caught one of my wrists when I started increasing the weight behind each hit — to keep me from shattering my hand against the invincible marble of his chest.
I pulled against him, but he refused to budge. I took my other hand and weakly wound it up for a punch aimed at his face. He caught it, and the momentum forced me closer to him. "You want everyone to be so afraid of you. They see the fury, the power of a god. I see a coward."
He clenched his jaw, a scowl darkening his features. I struggled to reclaim it my wrists but he held them in place between us. "Get off of me." He made no such moves to do so and I may have overreacted because I began to thrash in his hold.
A guttural growl came from his chest and he pulled me closer to him. "That is enough!" I froze once again, trapped as I watched an inky pool of black begin to devour the cardinal that had called it home.
"Breathe." He commanded.
The word mimicked a snap, as if releasing me from a hallucination and I immediately began gasping to fill my deeply deprived lungs of their nutrition. It was then that I ascertained another explanation behind his strong arming. A factor that he never had to account for before me: Air.
"One mistake cannot go unpunished. Because the next time could be the last." He loosened his grip on my wrists, but still held them close. As if the proximity would assist in his defence. "So, if Prosper gets a hundred more minuscule scars, so be it. You do not have to like it, but, I am only trying to keep you safe."
I bit my bottom lip, failing miserably as I attempted to keep it from visibly quaking. But with a sharp intake of breath, I lost the battle. "I hate you." I hissed at him. I began to adamantly shake my head back and forth, unsure of what exactly I was supposed to be feeling right now. How was he so calm? He'd hardly tolerated lesser comments from me before and now that I'd thrown the lot in he just didn't seem to factor it in to anything he was doing. Drops of water began racing from my eyes to pool at the corners of my lips, to fall from my chin and cover my cheeks in its salty liquid. "And I will spend the next thousand years of my life hating you."
I made the fatal mistake of meeting his eyes, as I'd done so often before.
I waited for another harsh word. A warning that I'd gone too far. His eyes were still dark as midnight and I almost expected him to just drain me dry then and there. Instead, he did the unthinkable. The implausible. The unexplainable.
He gently moved my hands to rest on the back of either side of his hips and pulled me into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and kept me there as I continued to cry. Without thinking, I tightened my grip around his waist, clinging to him with what was left of a quickly diminishing energy level. I collapsed into the embrace. My body was still shaking with tears that had barely begun and with a mind so exhausted it was empty of any conscious efforts to genuinely control my thoughts.
The emotions I'd pushed away in the bathroom came spilling out and Alec only tightened his hold on me. My thoughts were replaced with senses. His smell encompassed me in a buzz of relief and I could feel the tension begin to drain from my shoulders. A slow, careful rise and fall of his chest was empty of a heartbeat, but the subtle motions lulled me into breathing through another wave of sobs. Firm arms held me to him and I didn't think he would have ever let me go. I don't think I ever wanted him to.
He pressed his lips to the top of my head and muttered something that sounded an awful lot like, "so long as you're with me."
But that didn't make any sense. Did it?
